The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I finally got all the meds squared away for my mom. I can totally understand how my sis thought the new script for namenda would be sent to the facility pharmacy instead of mom's pharmacy here in town. It has to go through the pharmacy here first then the facility takes it from there. ?

Hi Me1000,
His doctor said he can eat ice cream for every meal if he wants, doesn't matter as long as he eats. I wish someone would say that to me! :) I offer three healthy meals a day and snacks, but he eats or he doesn't, no way to make him. The other thing he will eat is hard boiled eggs. I make them twice a week and always have a bowl in the frig. Sent the baby gate back, apparently the duct tape strips are working...he hasn't been out wandering around all week. Which means Charles and I have gotten some sleep in the past couple of nights. Yay.

Went to visit one of the NHs yesterday. It was really nice. I observed one of the aides redirecting a lady and she did it with firm kindness. This was not part of the 'official' tour, just something I noticed. So that was good. And there was no smell of pee, for which I was grateful. They have some kind of bracelet that alerts the nursing station if a patient gets near a door to the outside, and we will need this to prevent FIL from trying to escape. Anyway, there is a short waiting list and we will put him on it. We can bring the dog to visit him too, which will make him feel better I am sure.

Onward...
Christine

Im sorry for your loss of Gordie emjo23, I know its still hard for you. His smile is amazing, and yes, as JessieBelle mentioned, a very sweet face. Very Handsome.

Im also sorry about your loss of your cat and I will keep you and Rocky in my thoughts.

What a beautiful man he was. My heart is with you today and everyday, my friend.

I was wondering who that beautiful young man was. I know the loss is still fresh, though you have gotten through it. My heart is with you. I'm angry that such a sweet face was taken away so cruelly.

I hoping good things for Rocky. Wish we could just think it and he would be all better. We can try!

Tough day. 12 years ago my Gordie went to heaven. Missing him always. Two days earlier he was assaulted and sustained a head injury. They tried all they could in the hospital, but he did not survive. Losing him has caused more pain by far than the nearly 77 years of having/caring for a BPD mother.

Yesterday my oldest grandson called me to take him and my daughter's cat to the vet.. Daughter and fam. are on holiday. Rocky the cat seems to have eaten poison and they were not sure he would make it through the night - kidney damage. His kidneys are performing better today but he is still not out of the woods. Grandson was feeling so bad. Daughter is trying to change flights to get them back by tomorrow. Vet is doing all she can to keep the cat going, yet we may have to "make the decision" that we made for my youngest son 12 years ago. Somehow it doesn't seem fair - but then, life isn't fair.

Put my old cat down a few months ago - surely not another one so soon...

Had to change my profile name to emjo23. They needed a number. That was my son's age when he left us. I changed my avatar to a pic of him. Some days life is harder than other days.

I'll get back to normal posting and avatar soon. Got to honour my feelings right now.

camaryllis, Sorry your having a rough day too. That was a good idea about the baby gate and duct tape, Im glad its working. Its amazing how he can still get hurt, sounds like you all are trying everything you can.

Medicaid is a long process for any type of service, any government help overall I guess. On his foods, Im sure there will be something besides Donuts he will eat. His taste buds are changing, but definitely double check with his Dr.

You had the perfect reply to him when you said "we were all crazy at this address and not to worry about it. " I think that was a perfect answer!

Get some rest today and try to clear your head. Tomorrow you can get back to Medicaid. Hugs

Countrymouse- Thank you for agreeing, I think its wrong too!

1) I am in charge of the Dr Diary, which I put it in the book when we got settled in from the previous Dr. Plus I reminded grandpa for two weeks off on and ( sometimes he asked to double check) AND I wrote a note to the lady picking him up the times and which place and even what to ask at the one that was at 9:45am.

2) My grandfather is blind with blurred vision in one eye, so he gets verbal reminders from myself, dad and the call system. But yes, they should of doubled checked with the clerk what they heard when she signed him in. They give a print out with his appts on file when signing in..which listed it!

Yup so they came home and called after the appt for me to come down because she needed to ask me some questions. I was in the middle of an acid reflux attack and couldn't go down, my grandpa got upset with me. My dad can answer her or his questions, why me? I love that lady, I really do, and she has been wonderful all these years and would still welcome her back if she came back to work for him. She is actually my first choice to come back once he hires someone again.. if he does. She has health issues and couldn't keep up with all the appts either.

Countrymouse all I want to do is cry Im so burnt out..well. then again Im too tired to cry. Between my sons all day tantrum today, my grandfather, my acid reflux and no news from any potential employers yet.. ugggh! Im to the point because Im at grandpas usually 12 hours a night, I love him but thats it.. I cant give no more than that.. 8 hours a day is more like it because my kids need me and I need me!! Yes I said It I NEED ME!!! I know my extreme overweight is slowing me down too, Im trying to lose it tho.

Thank you and hugs back.

Hello all,
Well, went to look at a NH today for FIL. It looks nice, but has a waiting list. Only three people but it might be a while. Still have to go through the hoops of hospitalization then Medicare then Medicaid, I guess. POA in process. And we put his bed and box spring on the floor, and he has fallen out of it even more than when it was on the frame. Banging himself up in the process. How does he manage it in less than a foot with nothing sharp or hard on the way down?? He is all over bandages right now. Aaahh. I ordered a bedrail kind of thing like you would use on a toddler bed, that might keep him in the bed. Also got a gate for the hallway, to keep him from wandering at night, but Charles thought it was too much so we made duct tape strips to go across the doorway to the kitchen from that hall. That might be working, he hasn't wandered out, which is safer. I also got some babyproofing baffles for the doorknobs to outside, because I caught him trying to go out the front door the other night. So things seem safer, except the falling out of bed thing. As soon as we get the rail in I am sure it will be something else. He has been saying he can't swallow lately too, but has no trouble swallowing things he wants to eat, like little sugar donuts. So might be he is not interested in the food on his plate sometimes. I am trying different things. Poor thing, he looked at me the other day and said I'm crazy. And I reassured him that we were all crazy at this address and not to worry about it. Haha. So true.

Also heard that Medicare is not going to pay for the home health nurse after mid August. Not sure what that is about. I don't have the energy to figure it out right now though.

Thanks for listening,
Christine

Me1000, I don't know what to say. That series of events was so unacceptable on so many levels… Where do you start?

Who's in charge of your grandpa's appointments diary? If it's not you, this is not your problem.

Who was in charge of collecting and chauffeuring him today? Not you, not your problem.

Who was in charge of making sure he was wearing his glasses so he could read straight, and his hearing aid so that he could communicate with the hospital clerk? Not you? Then guess what?

So this, any of it, was your fault how? Oh that's right, it wasn't.

And anyway they got it wrong, and yes too bloody right an apology was in order. So what happened there?

I'm glad the vent has helped, but oh boy. I think I'd still have steam coming out of my ears if it were me. And that's not even counting the point that they're acting like they were doing you a big favour not expecting you to drag your son to a four hour session at the hospital - er, NO. You were quite reasonably declining to something that was hugely impractical. Not imposing on you beyond reason is not the same thing as doing you a service. Sheesh. Big hug.

Well, instead of me making my own threads, Im adding again to yours :) So I am not in a mind frame to read other posts.. not sure where to pick up on reading but Ill go a few posts back when I get back on.

Anyway for my day today - I made a post the other day on if I should cancel on my grandpas appts because I cant handle my son there with grandpa.( Been asking him for 2 weeks for someone else to take him. ) Son is hard to handle alone. I got great advice what to do, and I told my grandfather that a volunteer there would have to help him or a nurse there. Well, he got upset and my dad talked to him again and he agreed to ask his old caretaker for a favor. She agreed and they went this morning. The two appts and getting a prescript would be almost 4 hours and grandpa called right after his first one ..from home!! What???

I got blamed from both her and grandpa for having the wrong date for the appt! Umm excuse me, but I was there when that appt was made and called in on the first he had. They got a printout and they "heard he had no appt". Well, while Im being blamed I read the printout and showed them where it said his appt was today at 9:45am for the one I said he had!!!! THEY were SPEECHLESS!!! No apologies were made to me, and they left again.

Wow, always my fault even when its not. Thats why I have no confidence! Yes, people make mistakes and I read things wrong too, but it ALWAYS happens to me. So, thats why I always say Im sorry even when its not my fault :) GRRRR

Ok, thanks for the vent!!! I am feeling a little better now!!!

I went to the pharmacy today to get the new script for lexapro for mom.....i was given 2 scripts....1 for lexapro issued yesterday and 1 for namenda xr issued 7/24. Apparently sis was not aware this script needed to be picked up. The dr office called her about it and she only told me yesterday.

After taking Midget in today I know it id not her absence. I really think there has Bern a decline for my mom.

We tried my Mom on the XR for a few months last summer. Went back to the 10mg because of cost. Now they have brought XR down to the same tier. I noticed a very slight improvement in Mom for a couple of weeks, then back to normal. Whatever the heck that is!!

Thank you glad! I just wondered because I have some complaints about Namenda on here but wasnt sure if it was the XR they were complaining about.

SM the only difference between XR and the old 10mg Namenda twice a day is supposed to be convenience of administering once a day. We will all see, we are a couple of weeks out.

Margeaux~sounds like your sis has a very co-dependent relationship with this guy. Maybe she is afraid to be without a man in her life. Just a thought. Hugs to you!!

Thank you CM! I agree with what you are saying...the resident nurse told me yesterday that there is no judgement because life happens. Because I am so emotional....I always feel sad when I am not able to do all that is expected of me at certain times.

I took Midget over today and mom does not remember her!! She does not remember her being her dog, didn't know her name. She was happy to spend time with her, walking her through the halls and sharing her with the residents. I will work on bringing Midget more often and who knows...it may spark some memories for her. I don;t believe this is what is causing my mom's mood issues.

I found out that the manufacturer of Namenda quite making it, but there is another version called Namenda XR. I am wondering if this may have something to do with my mom's mood changes. Does anyone know anything about this version and has it been less effective for the dementia patient?

Alison~Thank you! I am not going to worry about what happened at work because I am busting my butt but just like CM said re: my mother...there are only so many hours I am scheduled to work and I can only do my best. I say this because "A" has made it clear that she does not feel I am doing enough. The problem with "A" is that she is devoted to this store....she is so devoted that she has made herself overly responsible for this dept. I have been there and done that....what happens is you get to where you think you are the only one who works hard, you set yourself up for burn out and that is what is happening to "A". This is what happened with my big mouth, LOL!!....I told a co-worker that on Saturday a customer came in to pick up a cake they ordered and prepaid. The order was for Saturday July 19th. The customer did not come in to get the cake on the 19th. She comes in a week later to get it. It was still in the walk-in refrig and the dept manager gave it to her!!!! I said this and a district supervisor heard me...this was very wrong of our dept manager to give it to the customer when it was a week old. This is typical of the type of stuff happening at this store and I am very uncomfortable with it and so are the others who are working in our dept but no one is saying anything. I was over heard by someone from corporate and he will report this to my dept managers district supervisor...what happens is anybody's guess. I did not do it on purpose or with any malice intended. Legally I am protected under the whistle blowers act...even though my intentions were not to be a whistle blower. If the dept manager suffers repercussions from this, she will know it was me who said something because I was the only person there and she took me in the back after she gave the cake to the customer and told me it was a week old. She asked me if she should have given the cake to the customer. I said...I don't know what to tell you...it must be very dried out by now. Keep in mind,. I will do everything I can to make her look good and because she is only 27 years old, it is hard for me (my emotional personality) to not feel something for her. What she did was wrong especially when this store is suffering with customer loss. She should have told the customer and offered to remake it even though it would have been a loss in money to the dept.

Alison, if you go on line and look for POA templates, you'll probably find there's a government-written "layman's guide" to the rules of drawing them up, which you can then fwd to your bro and (if you wish) tell him to put that in his pipe and smoke it. And if he thinks the rules don't apply to him then he DEFINITELY is not the right person to have POA and you should strenuously object to any such move. The elder care attorney is a very good idea, meanwhile; go for it.

Sharyn I know I sound like a broken record but there is only one of you, there are only 24 hours in the day, and you cannot be everywhere and do everything. I'm sorry, I know how horrible it is to sit through one of those tests and think "oh my word…", but you have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for. Taking Midget to visit next time is something to look forward to, but it's not right that you're feeling guilty for not having done it before - when have you had a chance to?

Hi all,

Sharyn, sounds like you're having ongoing tough time at work. We've all yapped a little too much when we weren't meaning to say THAT... whatever it is... so I hope you can give yourself some leeway to be human and make a mistake. (((Hugs))) to you.

Looloo, good job on getting the car. It isn't easy to do these things, it doesn't feel very fun, but you knew it was necessary and you did it. Here's my pat on the back. :-)

Margeaux, I really appreciate your detailed descriptions of interactions with sister. I somehow feel very comforted, like I can learn the tricks to deal with dysfunctional older bro. Actually, I have learned many, but it doesn't stop him from crossing the line on regular basis. I never know if I'm going to get a hug from him (that happened once, I'll never forget it!) or a scathing lecture about what a worthless person I am. Your description of sis's tendency to complain, complain, complain about the same things but never actually do any action to "fix" what she is complaining about reminds me very much of how my mother is. :-) Just... strangeness. :-) One of the things that has driven me NUTS about caregiving to my dad is my inability to fix the things that I complain about. having actual option to remedy a problem is a wonderful thing. Definitely should not be taken for granted.

I sent my older bro some text messages basically telling him that I will not help in "making him" our father's POA. I told him that he was welcome to contact our dad and work it out with him, if he wanted to. I also told him I did not think he (older bro) would be a suitable POA, in short because he openly describes our father as being "in his own world" and "basically retarded." I do think my dad deserves someone more sympathetic to his unique personality than my older bro. :-/ So, shots fired across the bow. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I want older bro to understand WHY I'm not going to be doing up POA docs for him. Otherwise, older bro would just ask me repeatedly why I haven't done this for him yet. I think the most logical course of action at this point is to take my father to see a local elder attorney who can explain POA, or I can try to, but I think my father would put more importance on the matter if he hears from an attorney's mouth. And then once dad is more informed, he can come up with short list of people that he thinks would act in his best interest...? That's my best idea so far.

Hello and (((hugs))) to all, its very late here, I'm going to get to bed.

Monday, Monday....and it's almost over!

Took the teenagers/wolfspawn to camp yesterday. They'll be gone for a week, which makes a perfect time to strip their bed linen, air out their rooms, and do typical parental nosy snooping. Thankfully, the worst thing I'm liable to find is an empty box of cheese-its, chip bags, and contraband pop cans. So that's where my 10-calorie pepsi goes...Durn kids.

The house is so quiet. It's just me & the hubs. We can eat what we want. We can do whatever we want. So of course it's early bedtime and chores that are behind! Whee! The freedom of being an adult - ha ha ha!

Went to a care conference for mom last week. I think we're in a period of stability - finally! Her crazy has calmed down with the new Seroquel. She still gets pretty angry and yells at the social worker about the place being a "s_ _ _-hole". (Hint - she did not say Sugar-hole.) Her weight is stable, her BP pills got adjusted up, but she has a buddy on the hall for now who will go eat with her & gets her out of her room. Slowly but surely mom is adapting in her own way to being where she is. I explained what kind of food she's used to as an elderly southern lady raised on cornbread, and turnip greens. Not as much fried food as you'd think. Actually her mom boiled the holy snot out of everything she came across. Everything went into the pressure pot for hours on end. Even canned vegetables. I was over 20 before I knew green beans were crunchy.
;-)

Sharynmarie,

Oh, I definitely agree with you, that my sister should be able to share about the grandkids. As I said, that on the face of it If it were me, this guy would be 86'd!
But in my sister's case.......this very situation has been going on for quite some time now. Really if you ask me......many times for the way my sister complains and describes her beau, she's just constantly criticizing him, which leaves me wondering why on earth are you still with this guy then!!!! She's made it very known to me specifically about this issue that he shows distaste w/anybody, the daughters, the gkd's, etc. and he not being good w/them, for whatever warped reason that could be. Yet, I already know my sister's method of operation, she'll relay this to me, express tons of hurt & boohooing, but get this one......exactly yesterday evening she was still going out w/him to some county fair. I'm for, well if one complains enough about something, then do something about it. This is why at times I don't take my sister very seriously. I'm sure even when she feels whatever is ailing her between her and her man, even there she still will control it, even if it means gong against a healthier choice to get away from this relationship. I already know for a fact, say if she were to end it, I'd be hearing things to the tune of, "she can't be w/o him." Yes, sick! Thanks though, I do agree w/you entirely. My husband had a great time, he doesn't know about all of this, which I prefer it this way.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

It has been a day from the twilight zone. I met the nurse to reevaluate my mom for her LTC policy.It was very extensive since it was a reassessment and she was very thorough.

My mom could only tell her that she lived in Cali...she identified a pencil but could not say the watch to identify a wrist watch. was asked to write a sentence about anything...my wrote...keeping my animals. She was asked what she would do if there was a kitchen fire on the stove...my mom answered...I would run away, LOL!! That was really funny!!!

I found out from the nurse that my mom is sometimes weepy and then quick to anger. I told them I would talk with her dr. Her dr agreed to stop the Citlapram and start her on Lexipro.The resident nurse said that Lexipro was designed for older people with depression and is very good. The resident nurse also told me (I feel so bad) that she thinks part of my mom's problem is that I have not been bring in Midget....slap across my face (at least to me it is). Tomorrow I will bring in Midget....

Too much going on right now...I am in tears most times...seeing my mom not doing so well with the mini mental was hard....I don't want my mom in distress...I want her comfortable. With everything going on with my sister's health, etc...we have all slacked off the 2 months in keeping up with mom's care. I feel really bad about it...we can only do our best with the circumstances we are dealing with. Hugs to everyone...take care of yourself...no one else will!!

Margeaux~ In defense of of your sister, she should be able to show you photos or videos of her grandkids even if her beau does not approve. This is big important part of your sister's life and should not be denied because of him. Just my thoughts. Sorry the rest of dinner did not go so well...I hope your hubs had a great birthday regardless. Hugs to you!!

Countrymouse,

Excellent topic you brought up about learning about boundaries and how they apply elsewhere. My last post brought this up to me. On the one hand I try to cooperate, and be gracious now matter about some of the boundaries I've set even with someone as difficult as my own sister. You know kind of like going with the flow, and sometimes even in that case, I had that stressed feeling just wondering what could transpire during the dinner. I guess my gut is working right on. Then again, I say to myself when I start to feel this way, "don't be so paranoid."
Yes good boundaries, getting over anger is a great thing for all of us.
I'm happy for you that you've been able to do this with your mom. It's good to hear a story like this, too!

Hugs,
You're great!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Oh Sharynmarie,

I really understand, especially under the circumstance.
Yeah, well I've done this, where I feel like I've said a bit too much.
All right, have some dark chocolate or something you like. Take a deep breath.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks, Sharynmarie :). Pam and Margeaux -- yes, I do have the pink slip. The car is 9 years old, paid off. I have the DMV's Power of Attorney form, as well as regular POA, so I can do this transaction for her. The proceeds will go right into her account.

Margeaux~Thank you!! I have not called the union yet...I am trying to play it cool because I don't want to make unnecessary waves. However, things are heating up at work with stress for others because of being 2 people short (actually we need more that 2 ). I post again on this drama because I opened my big mouth and accidently threw my manager under the bus....when I realized what I did...I started to cry at work because I had not intentions of doing that...I never do that!!!

Thats, "trickling down."
3'd paragraph from bottom: "why would she pull out a video of one of them, right in front of HIM.

Margeaux

So this last week was my husband's birthday. My sister called two days later, and when she found out she'd missed his actual "B," day, she was very apologetic to me.
I told her no big deal. So she called about half an hour later, to invite my husband and me that evening to go w/her and the beaux......they wanted to invite us out for dinner.
I thought it a very nice gesture. But here comes the but! You all know how I write about how controlling she is, etc. So first of all I asked my husband, and I could tell he'd be interested, but didn't want to have to drive their direction, preferred they both come our way and we have dinner close to home. We do have a distance to contend with. I called her back, and told her we'd go. So of course, she immediately stated we meet somewhere in the middle. Had to ask the husband again, and he said olk. So we met at a restaurant that evening about 7:30.

It was nice, food very good, nice bottle of wine. Then my sister took a picture of me and my husband, and said, "Oh, this pic came out very nice." So now she and my husband spent about the next 15-20 mins. fussing she sending it to his IPhone.
The chatter between the two of them monopolized with the typical, "did you get it."
He wasn't receiving the picture.

She then turned to me, and handed me her phone, to have me watch her little grand daughter on a video. Her beau was sitting between us. Now I know that there exists tension between her beaux and her two daughters. It's become in the last two years that they don't even speak to one another. I don't understand any of it, nor really in a big way do I care nor do I want to engage in.

Well, my first thought as she passed the phone to me to watch the video was,
"Oh brother, here we go even further w/the cell phones, and pics monopolizing the dinner, which I really don't like!! " I feel this is rude. She did something similar on my birthday to this end.

Well, I not knowing what to do, I started to watch it, but didn't watch the whole thing. I definitely noticed some bad energy coming from her beaux, (as in he glanced at the video and made a face). THIS made me feel SO uncomfortable.
Now my sister has told me about some of their dysfunction regarding he and daughter's apparently even truckling down to the grandkids. My sister noticed it also, and started to give me those looks from the end of the table, making sure I was noticing this. Oh boy! I by then had returned the phone to her.

So the next morning, she called me, early. I thanked her.
She then boohooed to me this aspect of last night's dinner, about how she feels so hurt by the fact that she knows her beaux shows that he doesn't like her grandkids. I know he has issues. But I also have to admit that my sister's daughters seem as convoluted to some extent just like their mom.

I didn't really know what to tell her. But in all of that, I touched upon the issue how knowing what she knows about her beaux, and that he doesn't care for the grandkids, why would she pull out a video of one of them, right in front of them.
I also told her that it made ME feel very uncomfortable.

I think this is horrible on the face of it, and if I were in my sister's shoes, I doubt very seriously I'd want anything to do w/a guy who behaves this way.
But I've heard this story before, it's a repeat. So I just listened, not going to get involved, I reminded myself, because my sister also will complain and then do the exact opposite.

I've also decided, that I'm going to have plans on my birthday, no dinner invitation w/her, thank you.

Margeaux