The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharynmarie,

This is so unfair about your vacation time! I know it hurts you too, since this would be when the babies are born. Is there anyway your union could do something for you? I'm happy to hear that your daughter and the babies are coming along.

Hugs, hang in there!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Loo~Yes, what an ordeal and so stressful for you and husband. I know how hard it is so just keep doing what your doing and be kind and gentle to yourself during the process.

Judda~Kudos to you!!! I did something similar with my mother back in 2012 when she started to decline rapidly. Because my mom has a personality disorder but also has Alzheimer's...I decided to start treating everything as though it was Alzheimer's related (in the beginning both issues were similar). It made a big difference in my relationship with my mother. You are doing great!!

Emjo,

I'm really sorry you have to experience this type of tenant in your home.
Definitely......one must be so careful to allow just anyone into our own space.
Even when I've gone to spend the night at mom's, and my sister & youngest daughter who live w/her, boy when I leave, I take a big sigh of relief that I don't live there w/their dysfunction. Quite considerate of you to let the dog out too.

At times I've noticed that mother's hair seems a bit unkept. Not always, usually when she's had say a UTI, or something of the sort. Then I do realize that I hear stories from my sister about mom giving them a harder time when it comes to showers, and the like. I can only imagine what washing her hair must entail.

That was a wonderful acknowledgment that the social worker made about you and G. Truly, hiking up a hill to make a phone call, he's a real galan! (gentleman).
O.K., Emjo you do deserve a rest, and I know you will see to it!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Looloo,

Gee, what you had to go through. This seems to be always a big ordeal.....taking the car keys, taking the car away. Well, so glad it's done, and you and your husband did a great job. I was just getting ready to also ask something in the vein of Pamstegman's question. Do you have the pink slip?

Listen, when it comes to our elder's and other people's safety, at some point whoever has the daunting task of getting this done, there's no compromising about it. I think if we keep this in the forefront, it will lighten up the stress. Happy to hear that it's more valuable than you thought.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

looloo , you do have the title for the car, right? and she signed it, right? and there are no liens, right?

It's been almost a full 48 hours since we took away my mother's car. After the barrage of phone calls from her on Saturday, it's been silence. I love not having to interact with her, but am anxious to put this behind me. Her car is worth more than I realized, after looking at the blue book value, and we've already heard from one very intersted party, and one 'maybe'. I would truly feel rotten for selling it without my mother's definite understanding that she's not getting it back. Which is NOT rational. SHE's not able to understand, and yet I still am in knots, feeling like a snake, when I'm just trying to handle things efficiently and capably. And hey, getting rid of an unnecessary expense isn't a bad thing either. Nor is cramming some of my OWN life and my OWN responsibilities into the mix! I'm so stressed. It's silly, but there it is.

Glad and Emjo, I met Charles online thirteen years ago. Also after some funny dating experiences. I might write a book about it one of these days, after I get my life back. I am glad to hear what the SW said, Emjo, that feels good, doesn't it?
Have a peaceful day,
Christine

From reading all your comments sounds like it sucks to get old!!! Expecially when your grown children are aruging over taking care of you. Sounds like a burden ! I know its not an easy responsible but both my parent's have past and I wish they were here everyday !!! I find myself asking the question at their graves sites ( How come I loved my parent's so much ? This generation my kids love me so little ? ) My husband was killed in a truck wreck 2007 prior to that I lost my Mother after 10 yrs of care giving..I wouldn't have traded those yrs I had with her for anything...I wish she was still here with me today.. I could go & get her the cup of coffee & make her breakfast. ..My three grown children didn't want to be bothered helping me with Grandma..well I should say the boys.. They don't like being around old people.. they want to remember her being with Grandpa..Mom lived to be 90 yrs old..I miss both of them everyday..I praise all of you who are taking turns being a care caregiver.. I am 65 now my daughter lives with me at this time.. I am retired..your column gives me lots to think about.. I don't want to be a burden to my grown children..I bought a mobil home after my husbands death..I want to be able to keep my independents...I don't want to be a burden to my children..God Bless all of you. Take a break & share your love for your parent's.

He didn't take me away from all this, but he is with me through it, which is worth a lot.

Yeah, glad, I met him online after about a year or more of some pretty strange online experiences. Fortunately he lived in the same city. Maybe you could find someone!!!

Emjo, did you meet G online?! Maybe I can find someone to take me away from all of this!

glad - condolences re your mil. Great that she passed peacefully. Glad for you there was no fam dram.

loo - whew!!! You got the car away. Now to deal with the fall-out, but one major step is accomplished. I find prepared answers really help. I am not sure, considering her condition that you will be able to "convince" her of anything, but you can stick to your guns that the car is gone. If you can "blame" the DMV or doctor it might help. Re stress - some one on here a couple of years ago had dealt with both alz and a personality disorder in different people, and said they would take alz anytime. Shreds of a relationship will survive I think, but it will take time to get past this. Enjoy your day off. "Leave me alone" echoes in my head quite often.

lastresort - from what mother's lawyer said to me, my mother obviously told the lawyer that she was concerned about me taking her money for my own use when the POA was enacted. I set the lawyer straight, but it is not nice to hear these things.

Alison - be cautious about bringing anyone into your house.. This young man, who I have known for over 5 years, promised he would do certain things, but obviously had no intention of doing them despite my direction and Gary's very firm and clear instructions. It sounds like your dad wants you to have POA. Think about that carefully too. A third party might be something to consider. Your bro is a bully and trying to keep you manageable by his put downs.

Iwent - sounds like the disease is progressing. You need ME time Can you get some help in?

flash - it all does sound very dysfunctional. There is a book by Dr Karyl McBride called "Will I ever be good enough", Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Picking favourites is part of the dysfunctional family scene. It does not reflect on who you are. It helps to detach emotionally from the family drama.

judda - happy that you have found a place of more peace and freedom. I can concur that learning how to deal with the dysfun fam helps me to deal with other areas of my life - being more proactive, detaching, valuing myself more...

Christine - sounds like your mil would benefit from day care and more socialization. Fil is another matter. Hope the Namenda helps. Sounds like you need a break.

book - so glad you are working on your self esteem, and self confidence. Something we all could benefit from and especially with the dysfun family background and yours was a doozy!!! Great quote!!!

Sharyn - wow -32 weeks Your daughter is doing so well! Prayers for time off for the birth.

hi to cm, margeaux, Austin, anyone else I forgot

Going from exhausted to tired to sleepy, so getting better. The tenant's dog is being neglected right now poor thing - the guy is out all the time. I let him out this afternoon, but he came right back in for the attention. I let him out again just now to do his business - he was yipping frantically. Only a few more days till they both are gone, thankfully.

Had a good chat with the sw and clarified some things. Ordered more clothes for mother and told the sw to book a perm for mother (if she agrees to it). Mother's hair wasn't as good as it should be and didn't look like it had been washed for a while. Mother's financial advisor wants to visit her (mother called him), so I gave him a "heads up" about her obsessing about her delusions, On a good day she may be better. Hoping that they get into a good routine re meds injections every two weeks, then she can be re-evaluated, a facility selected and her name put on a waiting list. Told the sw I would not be down for a while as the candida has flared up and I have to get better before I make another trip.

G is camping up north this weekend, near where he has business this week and next. He climbed a hill to get phone reception to call last night - good man! The sw said she reads people and watched the two of us at the last meeting and said the love between us showed. That touched me. I gave her some hints about online dating. lol

Have a good week everyone. I hope I am coming out of the fog.

See if I can remember
Thank you, Margeaux, Judda, Sharyn, Book, Emjo, Last, Alison, and everybody else. It was a stressful week for sure. All are feeling relieved that she is now at peace. My son had stayed with her last night, at 5:15 am she was still breathing very noisily, son said. Then he fell asleep, finally, when nurses came in to check her at 6:15 am she was gone. This is the first death my children have had to encounter so closely, but made me realize what wonderful people they are and not children any longer oldest 37, youngest 30. I haven't been involved with one this closely either, now that I think about it. They handled it extremely well, I couldn't be more proud of how they were there for her, each other, and my ex.

glad, sympathy on the passing of your MIL

Good news for daughters of dysfunctionals: I am experiencing a better relationship with the queen mother after years of learning how to carve out my own peace, set firm boundaries, overcome my own anger, let go of the painful past, and try to enjoy what's good about Mom. In doing so, I am so surprised to find she is showing more signs of respect for me, able to find her comfort zone within my boundaries, and more love is seeping through our torn and tattered relationship. I am feeling more relaxed and less on edge and defensive. The more I seem positive and caring and ignore any behavior I don't like, the more relaxed she is and the better time we have. She also has expressed appreciation of whatever I do for her, which she didn't do before when she was demanding and I was angry, passive, and resentful.

So now we gals have to ask ourselves: perhaps I can take responsibility for my part in dysfunctional families now that I am an adult? I can't change anyone but my own attitude and behavior in this present. The more I set my boundaries without anger or revenge or any muddy feelings for her to react to, the happier I am, the freer I am. Way to go!! At long last...My own fear had held me hostage all my life.

With the help of my daily and constant introspection, detachment, distancing, boundary setting, and trying out how much compassion and kindness can I now try on for size, I find I am moving on to learning about other areas of my life I might claim and improve upon. For example: boundary setting with clients, charging more for my time, taking charge of my work life...

What kinds of things have YOU discovered about how dys. family patterns affect your life outside of the caregiver relationship?

Hugs to Glad who worked hard for the benefit of her MIL with so many obstacles. Now your MIL will rest in peace in one world, and you in ours while still here. You will once again express your handle name, won't you? Well, we are glad you are here, too.

Glad,

I'm so sorry for the passing of your MIL.
It was a good thing that you were able to see her when you visited, and that went well. May her spirit soar very high!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I am feeling very grateful right now, for having the entire day to unplug. Just housework to do, no one but my dog and me at home, it's very nice.
My husband and I successfully got the car away from my mother yesterday. Without her consent, because she would never give it. I let her know we's be coming by "very briefly" because we'd be in area, but had to get home ASAP. She comprehends very little--any disruption is confusing for her. But in less than 5 minutes, I gave my husband her car key (without her seeing), I distracted her while he went into the garage, and he just drove the car away. Then I told her that he took the car to get it serviced, and I'd call her when it was ready, but it would be "a while." She didn't accept any of this easily. Questions, confusion, more questions. I just repeated my prepared answers and bolted out the door, to my car, and drove off.
She called 3 times yesterday, claiming to be worried about me-but she's never called unless she's upset about something happening to her. I knew she didn't understand what I told her, and repeated again, but I was so exhausted from the stress that I ignored her subsequent calls.
This week, I'll have to hammer home the fact that she CAN NOT legally drive EVER AGAIN, and that the car will be sold or donated. She's been lying to me for weeks, claiming she has a 'restricted' license, and all sorts of other stories since she's been obsessing over this (and therefore, so have I). I haven't called her out on any of it, but will have to this week, and hopefully put an end to this latest saga.
I know so many of you deal with so much worse, but the stress of this is incredible. Being able to have no interaction with any other human being for an entire day today is such a blessing.

Glad-iam sorry. Your mil is now at peace and that is some comfort inspite of the loss you and your children are feeling.

MIL passed this morning. So very proud of my children!

Thank you, Alison. Your brother is something else, isn't he! He does his belittling of you to relieve his guilt. And geez, if your Dad gives him his POA's he will make your life miserable. Do not help your Dad get that done. Do you want his POA? That would make the most sense. Or is there a friend or other relaive that would do it? These things need to be taken care of before something happens. Or find a geriatric care manager that will make decisions, or an attorney, anyone other than your brother.

Glad, I hope for your MIL's sake and family's sake that her struggle ends sooner rather than later. But it does seem that, for some, the body's natural impulse to keep itself alive keeps working long after it "should." It could be a lengthy dying process. I hope and pray that it will not be. (((Hugs))) to you and family.

MIL still hanging in there. She sleeps most of the time with only minutes of eyes open. Breathing has become very slow. Just cannot believe she has not passed after a week in hospice. Makes me wonder if there should be more aggressive ways to end this for her. It is obvious she will never come out of this it is extending her life while everybody waits for the inevitable. Everybody is exhausted.

Did get away for two days of my three day weekend. It is nice to have some ME time though MIL is hanging heavily. Back to Mom tomorrow.

I haven't had time to read...any, sorry...
they are asking me to feed her every two hours, she is doing breathing exercises, exercises in the bed, exercises at the counter-top, among the other things of daily living, she does not need the oxygen, her follow up is this Tuesday.

I ordered a fingertip measure of her oxygen content and quite frankly, I am over exhausted by the time consumption, there is no more ME time, and I have my own recovery to do.

I am going to ask her asthma doctor if he would recommend rehab, the teaching of breathing while walking is in through the nose, out the mouth, it looks like she holds her breath instead of breathing and she is not having an asthma attack, I just do not know,what to do. Whether she is eating this way or the other almost makes no difference quite a bit of daily time just spent eating...it is like watching paint dry.
On Tuesday i will be going to the craft shop, I thought getting her into a new hobby would be good idea, because she will have to do something she has not done before. I thought she could go through the steps of turning an unfinished box into a jewelry box, complete with sanding, felt and decoupage. She would certain;y have to use her body in a different way, then sitting and knitting...although she only does this for an hour here or there it is one of her OCD's.
Thanks everybody, her family is MIA.

Flash you are in the right place. We understand the toxic family thing. Lots of good advice and love on this board, Hugs and hang in there, don't let the turkeys get you down!

I just found this thread, so I hope it's okay that I post here with my story:)
I am 28 years old and living with mom and brother (23) until next July, when I should be engaged and living with my boyfriend. My family is the definition of toxic. I no longer speak to my dad (emotionally abusive, physically abusive to mom, and a severe hoarder), cousin (is living on the streets and wants no help) and step brother and sister in law. I can get along with Mom when my brother is not around.
My mom is a "stable" stage four breast cancer patient, she has been stable for about two months and has had cancer four years. She has almost died multiple times and has had multiple surgeries. My brother has a girlfriend he won't dump who calls Mom the c--- with cancer and calls me fat Voldemort. He steals and lies.
I have memories of my Mom hitting me with a newspaper telling me to go find a job when I was 15, but my brother has never stayed too long with a job. I have never been as "good" as he is to anyone in my family. My cousin who was on welfare and him were treated much better than myself, and I feel like it was always due to my weight. Even though I have a masters degree, a good job, and my boyfriend has a phD, I am still not good as my brother according my my mom.
My brother does not accompany her to any chemos, surgeries, or appointments. Two surgeries he actually left the state for. My boyfriend had to sit in the PreOp with my mom until I could get there. My mom is nice to me when my brother is not around, but yells and screams at me when he is home...like she's trying to impress him.
I am terrified of being alone with her when she dies. I always thought my brother would help but I know now I can't expect that. I know he will come to her funeral crying the loudest too! I am so scared I will be alone when this happens, and I always thought all sibs should help out and be there for each other. I guess I just asked for too much:(

Kindle is acting up.

Thank you Alison-I think they will too. My manager said she cant approve it unless there is someone to cover me and she wanted to take her vacation the week before me but cant because there is no one to cover her. I have to d'estaing myself since my emotions take over and I am sensitive. I am just working at not letting my emotions go overboard.

My daughter fired her original Dr who hositalized her. She has been seeing an associate Dr since...the reason being the original Dr was using scare tactics to get compliance and my daughter wanted none of that. Her Dr told her yesterday she is very happy with how far my daughter is now at 32 weeks(the boys are over4lbs now). She wont let her go longer than 37 weeks but the boys could still come sooner depending on the preeclampsia.
LTC. Not OTC.
I have an appt with the Otc nurse to evaluate my mom on Monday.

Alison,

I'm really sorry about this scene with your brother????
What a royal jerk!!!!! You have been given great advice by many here.
In years past my mom didn't bully me, however she did put a lot of pressure to always that my sister and me jump through hoops for her, doing any and all domestic chores, while she was working full time. But she sure had us under her control. Her narcissistic sister was much worse than mother ever was, and she was the bonafide bully. Before I ever knew what bullying was, or even knew what to call it, I must say I was always thrown for a loop by the things my aunt would say, to me or others in the family. But finally, in both instances, first with mom, I just point blank came out and told her where it was at with me, and that I was an adult now, and her need to control my life was just not going to work anymore. After that....she backed off. She every now and again may have thought she was still going to get her way with me, but it didn't affect me anymore. In the old days, it affected me quite a bit. I always felt guilty towards my parents, and I just became very tired of it. So one day I asked myself, why in the world are you giving your power away to these crazy people?????
Concerning my aunt, well that was a different story. As she got older, she was always aggressive, only hadn't aggressed towards me. But when I was a young adult, she started in on me. Anyway, with her it was something rather new for me. Heck that old bat threw shoes at me on my way out of mother's house one morning at 7:30 a.m.. I was on my way to work. So with her I really had to stand my ground, and one day I even had to get into a fist a cuff's of sorts with her, I couldn't believe it!!

Anyway, I know you feel vulnerable and sensitive right now.
But somewhere, somehow please don't give into the "he's always been this way, is never going to change." That goes without saying. Really in these situations I'm afraid that the ones that need to change are we, who are unfortunately their victims.

Never doubt in your self,
Courage!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

ABB, I'm working on my self esteem, self confidence. I have a book titled The Language of Courage and Inner Strength. It applies to me. But I also thought of you as I read it. I think the first 2 sentences fit all of us caregivers. If you really think about it. Every new thing dealing with caregiving, we had to learn quick on how to deal with it...despite our fears and disgust and stomach-heaving moments. We still did it. I'm not exactly crazy about the 2nd sentence. For me, every new gross stuff, I wanted to still avoid the next gross stuff. Attitude.

Example, when mom got her trache installed, I refused to suction it or clean it for a month. Because older sis was going back to Colorado, I was forced to learn. I hated it and all those years I never got used to it. But, I got efficient in it that I could do the deep throat suction.

You have gone through this - with the house, the mold, finding and fighting the trustees to do something. So, remember, we're all growing one way or another. Something that we never did before, we're now doing it. You did Great, ABB. You've made so much progress. Unfortunately, you didn't have the feedback from your family to help you see it.

-----------------------------------------------

This is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt:
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this... I can take the next thing that comes along."

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.