The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I think there was some really great advice/perspectives thrown out to me by you guys... I appreciate all of you so much, even just a "sorry you're dealing with this" statement is much appreciated. I've been mulling over why the conversation with older bro, C, went the way it did. I'm going to take more time and soak up the really good ideas you all have put out here.

In the meantime, boy am I glad to be back home. It all went pretty well until the last day.

Sharyn, I have to believe that your employer will work with you to get appropriate time off for birth of the grands. Seems everything about your work environment is drama. I feel for you, but really don't have any advice. I've worked in places before where coworkers always created drama in one fashion or another, so I think I understand... and unfortunately, I think it is fairly common. Hang in there and hope your finger is healing up?

Emjo, sorry you have to kick out the slacker tenant. You made me realize that, unless you know someone very, very well, things can change and they can begin to take advantage of you. I mention this specifically because I've thought about having a friend (really just any acquaintance of mine, no one in particular in mind at this time, just an idea) come to stay in one of the extra bedrooms here just to get help with some of the heavy lifting and clean out of remaining items in the house here. But, you made me realize that unless I know them really well, all of the "agreements" we make beforehand could be useless. Hm. Sorry you're dealing with someone like that. Sounds like you're getting it handled, but its unfortunate he couldn't just complete his end of agreement.

Camaryllis, you just keep hanging in there! You're getting hit with something new every day, it seems. But, you're smart and creative. I sure hope things get figured out for your situation soon. I may have missed some posts. I thought you were putting FIL in nursing facility where he could be adequately taken care of, but maybe things have been changed? Its not an easy, or quick, decision to make.

Looloo, lastresort, I sympathize. And looloo, I can't speak for anyone else, but I think it takes as long as it takes to work out the lifetime of regrets that we have that things aren't a different way. I think we can accept what is, and still have sadness and regret that it isn't/wasn't different.

CM, your post has been catalyst for me to analyze some things... you and book... and I am realizing I likely can't just go ahead and railroad my father into taking my older bro as POA. My father feels much like I do about my older bro - that bro is narrow minded and too controlling of others. I will discuss with my dad more about POA and ASK HIM (what a concept!) what he wants to do. I'm just afraid he will say he wants me to serve as POA. He's pretty much said as much already. My family seems to think I have ulterior/money motives at times, which is ludicrous, and I just... I just don't know... about any of that right now. Discuss with dad first, explain options and meaning of POA, go from there.

Love you guys, "hello" to anyone I missed, and (((hugs))) to all. Have a great weekend!!!

looloo, I really feel your pain, and my mom is not even diagnosed with dementia, just narcisissm. She keeps telling me she trusts me then has the 92 year old dad listed as POA so I won't take her money. What? I am an only child. If I take her money now I will have to take care of her later, she can have the cash, I don't need the aggrivation. Huggs!

Is it weird to feel a little bit of sadness along with relief, when you realize that your actions will most likely kill the last shreds of a civil relationship with your mother, whom you don't even like anyway? Knowing that my mother will be so outraged, and feel so deceived and betrayed by me taking her car away. She's always played the victim, and now she's so terribly confused--there's no way she'll understand, and I really doubt she'll accept and adjust. It really stinks to be in a position where you're supposed to be trusted, and you ARE trustworthy, but it'll never be recognized -- or appreciated. And it keeps getting worse. I'm becoming even MORE of an enemy to her. I thought I had put this issue to bed, but evidently not yet.
I promise, I'll be onto a new subject as soon as this is done!

Well, a little progress...FIL fell out of bed two nights in a row and of course has bloody gashes on both arms now. My house looks like the set from a slasher movie. Every time I think I have cleaned up everything I see another spot I missed. I have a horror of blood so Charles has to do most of the doctoring. Anyway, took the bed off the frame last night and put it on the floor in the corner, so he can only fall off one side about eight inches. And I put quilts on everything in the room to soften any edges. Most of the furniture in that room has rounded edges, anyway. Last night we had a peaceful night and everyone slept through. Whew. I feel almost normal today. Also put a piece of duct tape on the doorway to the hall to their bedrooms. To discourage FIL wandering, which is not safe. He gets into everything. I am going to get some drawer latches and childproof doorknob covers this weekend. We were going to put a gate across the hallway, but Charles was worried that that might be restraint, and so he tried the duct tape instead. I don't really see the difference, as long as it keeps him safe. I have childproofed everything I can think of, but he gets into the weirdest things. Anyway, the visiting nurse said she was going to recommend that the dr. prescribe Namenda. And something to help FIL sleep at night. I have been doing everything I can think of, to try to keep him awake during the day so he can sleep at night.

He has been eating a lot less too, says it is hard to swallow. But he will eat things he likes, with no problem. So maybe it is a nice way to say he doesn't like some of the food. I made an apple pie last night, that is always a hit with them, and has some nutritional value, as I don't use much sugar and apples are good for you. That ended the night on a happy note.

MIL has been pining, she read some things about dementia on the internet before she became unable to see, and thinks that FIL is near death. She is pretty conflicted, part of her wants him to be gone, and part of her feels lost already. I am thinking that at some point I am going to get her into a day care situation, she is extroverted and would be happier if she could talk to other people. Wish I could get her in it now, but can't leave him alone. Maybe when the afternoon person starts coming, we'll have to see because he is likely to try to get out of the house and wander around looking for her.

Home health nurse says he will no longer be eligible for services per Medicare after August. Not sure why, and I am not up to fighting the system right now. :-}

I have been reading the posts here, and am sending you all a hug...
Have a peaceful day
Christine

Alison, I am sorry about your brother. I agree with the consensus, that he is an AH. My youngest sister recently said to me, after I was upset about something, "you don't need another man making you feel like sh*t about yourself..." That really stopped me in my tracks. Seems to be a tendency. I am sure you don't ever roar back at your brother...hard to do that with a bully. And because you are sensitive and likely exhausted from caregiving, you are vulnerable. Something I used to tell my son when he had bully problems, was to imagine a glass bell jar over you, made of unbreakable material, and know that you are safe inside, can't hear anything from the bully and nothing can stick to you. If that makes sense. Seemed to help him at the time. I do it sometimes too...I am at my least right now, exhausted and weepy. Anyway, just wanted to say {{{hugs}}}
Have a peaceful day,
Christine

Alison, first thoughts on your brother not repeatable in polite society. Or even on the forum ho ho ho. I will just step outside for a second and say them in private.

Okay done that.

So. Second thoughts, sigh. "All behaviour has a positive good intention" is what NLP tells us. I used to think 'horse poo!' to that, but it irritated me enough to reflect on it a fair bit, and in the end I decided it's one of those maxims that is mainly true if you make your definitions stretchy enough. And on the plus side, it is a prod towards understanding what the silly sod is trying to achieve.

So. What is your idiot, hurtful, self-satisfied brother trying to achieve? If it's a lifelong habit (is this an older or younger brother, by the way?) then making you miserable could indeed be the aim: there is a satisfaction to be gained for him by proving to himself that nothing has changed between you. Now the thing there is, that you don't have to co-operate. Step outside of the scene. Here is a man saying hurtful (and demonstrably groundless) things to a woman. What do you make of what he's doing? What is a good way for her to receive what she's hearing? How can she most effectively reject and rebut what he is saying? Advise that woman, the one you're objectively observing.

But there are other possibilities, not necessarily instead, could be as well. Are there any specific outcomes your brother wants? The POA thing is a nonsense. POA is not 'got' by anybody; it is given, and must be given with free informed consent, by the competent person for whom it is held, i.e. your father. Anything else? What does he think would be a good situation to work towards? Do you agree with any of its aspects?

The point of being as analytical and unemotional about what exactly has happened as you can bring yourself to be (at the same time, you can always pin a photo to a dart board and fire at will) is that it makes you think in different terms about where to go next. It can change the way you're seeing it. What about the outcomes you would like? Speaking for myself, I know I usually start out thinking "I would like X to f*** off and die" but then work up to more practical and realistic ideas. Not to mention better karma cough cough.

But I'm really sad to think how unhappy your brother's attitude to you makes you. WHY does he think it's ok to be such a vicious, poisonous bully? How, and for whom, does he imagine it serves any purpose? Because whatever he is hoping for, he's picking a really stupid way to go about it. Consider him slapped. Now, what do you want to happen next?

Sharyn, don't give up. You're brainstorming ideas might come to fruition. I agree, try the other stores. At least you know that you tried all avenues.

Emjo - I'm beginning to understand about fatigue. Except mine is not complicated as yours. Mine is so easy to remedy. Sleep! I only do 5 1/2 hours a night. It's just that with full-time job, come home late like 630-7pm, eat dinner... I don't have much me-time left. I just don't have your self-control and instinct when it comes to your health. I read yours and Jeanne's and anyone with regular health issues and the ups and downs of it, and I cringe. (terrible grammar, I know...) I chuckled when I read that granddaughter got new glasses - that looks like grandma's. =)

ABB, I'm so sorry. Your brother is a ruthless person. I don't know if he would make a very good POA for your brother. He might be just as ruthless to him without being bothered about decency, compassion, empathy, etc.... Kind of scary, actually.

Your brother said those things to you for a reason. Were you showing happiness? Proud that you accomplished something? He said this On Purpose, ABB. He wanted you to be where you are now - Broken, Unsure, Worthless and Blaming yourself. ABB, you are a wonderful, loving daughter. Look, of all your siblings, who is there for your father? YOU. Screw-up? Do you really deep inside believe you're a screw-up? Look around, ABB. When you see people in the news, in prison, etc... compared to them... are you a screw-up? I Don't Think So!!!

ABB, you're brother is messing with your head. He KNOWS those words would hurt you. Why, ABB? Once you know Why he said this, you will be able to put it behind you... And in the future (like I did), avoid this brother as much as possible. I rarely go anywhere with my oldest brother. He's very very toxic when he wants something. Broke me to pieces just so that I would sign the mortgage loan. (I called the loan officer the next day and told her that my brother forced me to sign it. He did the same thing to oldest sis. She also called the loan officer and told her what happened. Needless to say, his mortgage loan for an apartment was denied.)

Aww Sharyn - too late to say much, but big(((((((hugs)))) to you too and prayers for time off to help your daughter and healing for your finger.

Alison~I am so sorry your brother has spewed his toxic ways on you. What Joan has told you is very right on. ((((hugs))))!!!

Joan~Good you are standing your ground with this young man.

Today was a bad day...had to lsten to "A" flapping her lips about how she is taking her vacation to go see her parents in San Diego...she hasn't seen then in 4 years . She is only taking 4 days and has requested Sat.Sun (the last 2 day of our work weed which will be her days off for the week and requested Mon/Tues (the first 2 days of the next work week which again will be her days off for that week. Hint Hint to me...so I said, I guess I am expected to do the same as you? After all the birth of my twin grandsons is not a big deal to anyone but me and my family.The only grand children we will have because my son and his wife have fertility issues and my daughter has been told that her chances of getting preeclampsia again are high...she does not want to go through it a second time because even though she is stable...her bp could spike anytime, kidneys could start pouring protein in her urine and go into kidney failure or have a stroke. They are doing their best to ruin this for me.

I cut off the tip of middle finger on my right hand around 8:30 tonight. I finally got the bleeding stopped...no point going to ER...nothing to stitch to.

Good night everyone!!

Getting a handle on codependency is very valuable. We do tend to get sucked into the lives of others and neglect our own lives.

If I were you, I would tell bro very bluntly that if he wants POA he has to work that out with your father. It is not your job to do that and you can tell him so. Who does your father want as POA? That is what is most important. Your bro is an a**hole and a bully of the highest order. That, in my view, is the biggest problem. Don't make excuses for him. His accusations went further than caregiving.

I have had to deal with helping vs enabling with the lad who is staying in the basement. I have given him to the end of the month to get out. I wanted to kick him out a month ago, but G wasn't ready. The lad helped the first couple of months, but hasn't done what he said he would since. I'll help anyone, but don't take me for granted or start using me. He sold his truck and had the nerve to ask to borrow my car, when he has done very little recently. No way, Jose'!!! Just take your stuff and go. I may find something of his that has some value and hang onto it until he pays me the rent he was supposed to be working off. Wouldn't be the first time I have sent someone packing.

Alison, you need to accept that your bro is hurtful, self centered, short sighted, ungrateful, unhealthy person, and expect that he will not change. My sis is like that and I cut her off at the pass now when she starts at me. I wouldn't stay under the same roof as she is for all the tea in China. She is toxic to me and I don't need that. We need to protect ourselves from these toxic people.

Thyroid results back and they are not what the doc predicted. He is going to be surprised. Oh well, life goes on. Hard to know what the fatigue is due to, but I am no stranger to it, and know what I have to do to build myself up. Been there done that many times.

Getting my nails done tomorrow and need them shorter. I have some mending to do. Got the crowns on my implants Yay!!! The next dental session is in 4 months. Took myself out to lunch today. G is away, so I am treating myself to very easy meals, some out etc. Gotta take my granddaughter out for her belated birthday lunch. She got glasses recently and guess what - they are much like grandma's. :-D

Alison - and everyone - do some good things for you!!!

Thanks, emjo. We "cross posted," but thanks for your SUPPORT!!! YES, he's an a-hole of highest magnitude, that one!!! :-)

Thank you so much, lastresort. Those are good words. :-) And maybe that is the biggest problem of all - that if you haven't done this, you just don't know how difficult it can be. It does look so easy from afar.

The incident with older bro 6-7 hours ago has been the catalyst to non-stop crying all day, pretty much. I think if I had any balance in my life, anything at all that was "going my way," then it wouldn't be such a big deal? But, like other caregivers, I've completely lost myself inside of doing what needs done - or what I THINK needs done. I heard a talk on the radio during drive back to Chicago about codependency, and I contemplated the idea that I've worked myself into a corner where I cannot win?

All I can do tonight is get some rest and see what I think about it tomorrow. But I'm really tired of giving so much to this situation and getting mistreated in return. Love you guys, thanks for "being there" on a tough day like today. (((hugs)))

What an a**hole he is, Alison. big ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))). He would get the sharp side of my tongue!

Hang in there Allison, as my therapist used to say "Don't let the bastards get you down." We realize how hard you have been trying, but it takes one to know one even in caregiving...

I just got a not-nice speech from older bro that left me in tears. I walked away and just went outside and tried to rationalize the pain away. He's always been like this - an emotional poison to me - why would I expect any different?

I've been trying to read a little while away from home, its been a whirlwind with non-stop activities. My dad mostly sleeps away the days in the guest room unless I get him up to take him somewhere...

Just... really effing mad and hurt at bro. Nothing new. It was a matter of time, I suppose, until he told me what he REALLY thinks of me and my efforts on behalf of our father. Its a story echoed countless times on these forums: I'm such a screw-up at this caregiving thing, he doesn't understand what's taking so long, yes he wants POA but I'm supposed to actually do THAT, TOO for him...? He has no clue. Just accusations. And he dipped deep into recent hurtful past, saying that "no one" in my family was surprised I missed Christmas holiday in Indianapolis - even though it was FIRST TIME EVER in 15 YEARS I didn't go - but basically the gist is that I'm just such a weirdo and screw up. Darn him. He's just a jerk. He's so biased and doesn't ever call out his own b.s., just that in others. I'll be back. Need to dry up these tears...

I had a female boss who prided herself on being on a conference call half an hour after giving birth. She expected every other woman in the office to be as detached from family and our own humanity as she was. She bragged about not crying when her aged pet was put down. I think she felt really insecure next to men, who all had wives at home to take care of that icky life thing. I always wanted to tell her that bragging about being soul-less was nothing to be proud of.

Sandwich-somehow I don't think people like that ever understand. He probably treated his wife like he owned her too.

I will go ask at other stores myself.. I know if I got hurt and was off for a couple months, they would get someone to cover me.

Sharynmarie - I hope your time off request gets approved. Sometimes these companies act like we're their property (and first priority). I'm of the mindset that who do these people think they are making employees ask for time off like it's a gift from the company, when it's not.

My husband & I have had some spectacularly callous and clueless bosses over time. One of them wouldn't give my husband time off when our son was born. It was a long, difficult delivery, lost a lot of blood, and our baby had feeding issues. We had to go into the hospital to be seen and this jack*ss wouldn't let my husband take me - as if it was his decision whether we go to the hospital or not! My husband took us in anyway, since this was a baby emergency bordering on failure to thrive. Years pass, and we find out this jerk boss & his wife ended up having a special needs baby of their own. Maybe he finally understood.

I would rather spend time with ex's family than my own. Posted about my pride in my children on their Facebook pages so they know. Also wanted sibs to see how families should be. They would not have seen it on my page as they unfriended me two years ago, almost. Because they are friends with my kids they saw it. Brats!!

Glad, that's so nice, that you felt welcomed and not uncomfortable - in what most people usually do in that situation with the ex. They are obviously a very kind family to let bygones be bygones and still accept you within their circle.

Oh, and ex's gold digging wife! She is something to behold!

It was refreshing to be there to just see how families can cooperate with each other. I didn't even feel uncomfortable, instead welcome.

Went to see MIL today and am very happy I did! It was a wonderful visit, my ex (a very kind man), his brother also a very kind man, my three children, and a cousin of ex were all there. It was absolutely heartwarming to be in such an atmosphere of love, support and respect for one another! I was very proud of my three, and the love that they show for their grandma! They have been fortunate to get to know grandma all their lives! They are all in the same town and get together frequently.

I am so glad I went! Grandma was moved to hospice this afternoon, ex had to find her advance directives and he was quite busy dealing with everything else for the last two days. Now just uncertain what to do with my three day weekend.

My brother and I went to see mom today. It has been a while since my brother saw her but he did notice the decline. Mom is much more quiet as she can;t follow any of the conversation. When I first arrived, they had all the residents sitting in a circle with a person in charge doing different body movements such as lifting your arms or legs, etc. I joined in doing the exercises along with the residents.

My brother said he could take care of Midget during the week of August 18...if and only if my vacation is approved. He is hanging in there as his wife is still having lots of emotional downs with losing her son and her mother within 2 months. Their daughter who had radical surgery due to cancer is holding her own right now...set backs have been having to have surgery due to intestinal blockage.

Just trying to keep positive right now in spite of everything going on.

CM-I am glad you got a chuckle...I am on a roll..maybe I will go back to the Roosevelt admin and work forward.

Got an 'ok' night's sleep, and am figuring out my game plan for today. Reminding myself that all I can do is my best, and the chips will fall where they fall. I'll call the home care agency and schedule my mother's aid three times a week, up from twice a week. I also need to talk to them about how the aid is intimidated by my mother and needs to be more assertive and take-charge with her. And if this person can't do it, then they need to find someone who can.
I might try calling my mother, but am not sure right now. It might be best not to, but if I can get any info at all, even if it's not fact, but just her perceptions at the moment...I really don't know at this point if it's worth it to call her. I feel like she's really pushing my efforts aside, and the tough love part of me thinks it might be beneficial in the long run to just let her fall on her face--figuratively or literally, at this point I am not able to clean up every mess she gets herself into.
Also not sure if I should even mention that we're coming on Saturday (to get her car). She will probably not register the information anyway. And I know that all this drama and excitement is very fulfilling for her, in her twisted way. She's loving the attention and seeing everyone get upset. She's always been that way.
Anyway, hope everyone has a good day today. Hugs...

Sharyn I don't see how you can be bigoted when you despise all parties equally! Thank you for making me smile - I share your frustrations with the political classes. Not enough of them have done a day's work or worried about an electricity bill, if you ask me.

My son did his degree thesis on democracy in America. When I told my young American cousin about it he said drily: "did he find any?" :-0

I don't like the way your company is making excuses about your vacation. Is there anyone you can say to: "I feel I am being taken advantage of. Please make sure that cover is arranged and approve my request for leave." Otherwise they'll sit on their hands and do nothing about it.

It's very hard! Especially for conscientious women. I try not to make things worse for my daughter, so I don't generally say anything, but the hoops she has to jump through to take the leave she's entitled to are just ridiculous. HR sit on their fat behinds whining about how stressed they are and expect her to make all the arrangements, then turn round and say she can't take x days whenever because it interferes with their payroll systems or something stupid. I wish I knew where their office is so I could go and slap somebody. Hope you manage to get something sorted out, hugs.

So let me see if this sounds just a little dysfunctional... Dad (which passed away when i was 11) beat My Mother and my sister. He was an alcoholic. He treated me as if I were an angel that could do no wrong. This scenario built up resentment and a lot of it. Mother says that I was always Daddies girl but this was because she pushed me off on him out of resentment. It's a natural feeling. My older sister (passed away in 97) resented me as well. I mean who wouldn't when they are getting beaten with wire ends of fly swatters and your little sister is getting new bikes and days out of school? I always felt from as far back as I can remember that Mom amd Sis didn't want me around and they didn't but then I didn't see why. Long story short Mother and Sister were like the best of friends, two peas in a pod for years and years. I was bipolar, undiagnosed and Daddy was all i had then he was taken away and Here i was left with the two people who resented me most. I always assumed it would be sister who took care of Mother but she passed away. I was a drug addict for 11 years after that and Mother took care of my 15 yr old daughter for 2 years. I wasn't absent but i had no home or stable enviroment for her. Well to sum it up here i am , i lost my husband, my job, and everything to move in here to take care of Mother and as long as she breathes I will NEVER be good enough! I have no help from anywhere . Noone to give me an outlet of any kind and no money to pay for a sitter. But I am blessed to be able to care for her and will do it to the best of my ability. If i don't lose my mind first.

Do you know that the US is one of the only countries that does not have federal paid maternity leave for women? My daughter, who lives in Idaho, is on FMLA leave because they do not have state disability for maternity leave. She is getting paid through a benefit from her employer, however, if the boys have to be in NICU for an extended period time, once they are born, she has a limited time to recover and go back to work....no bonding time is extended once the boys are sent home.

No, I am not done venting, LOL!!! If this company keeps it up...there will definitely be a strike when our contract comes up again. I know I am not entitled to anything...but when did compassion for your workers go out the window? Lets see, during the Reagan administration when they stomped out unions, or maybe during Clinton's administration when you smile a wide toothy grin saying, I did not have sex with that woman....or G W Bush's admin of don't ask and don't tell!! I won't even go into Obama because then I would be a biget!!