The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharynmarie,

Well absolutely nothing changes with your sister, does it!
I can't believe someone who must be recovering, since she just had a hospital stay, wouldn't just say, "I'll stay home, til I feel up to it."
You switching up days off, and she changing plans on you, must not make you feel good about this at all.
Maybe what you need to pay attention to, is how many times you feel as if you're having to turn down those Saturday's off at the deli. If I'm hearing you correctly too....you feel very loyal to the company. But always bear in mind that many times this has nothing to do with whether they would transfer you where you prefer to be, either. Certainly, if you want to work your days off because it's extra hours and want to, that's one thing. But you shouldn't feel so bad, I mean if it's a day off, you're under no obligation to do that each and every time you are asked, that's up to you.

She reminds me so much of my sister with different details. My sister always has 3 other things up her sleeve whenever she's asked that I go watch mom.
Two weeks ago, some of the extra things had to do w/their household issues.
I don't live there, so I feel I shouldn't be asked to participate in it. This has become my limit now.
It's back to the boundaries, so we don't feel as if we are being exploited.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

I had posted something to you regarding G's mother, the tacky topic of bringing up his ex. I don't know what happened to it. That's so terrible. I've had this happen to me. Hopefully she won't bring that up again. However, if she does, maybe you could say something such as, "His ex is his past, I'm his present girl friend/wife,
and you can be sure that one day I will make "poor G," a rich man/husband."
Yes, and I am aware how carefully you have to pick your words since it is his mother.

The pit bull story, oh my! Yes, they are definitely IMO, house pet kind of dogs.
Even when an owner knows their temperament, they can be like Chow's,
it can turn on a dime, especially when they are around unfamiliar people.
We have an ordinance regarding them, and it's in favor of keeping them on leashes and muzzled. But I live in a beach community.....and you always see enough of them w/their owners going for walks on the beach, even a popular populated beachside promenade area. That was brave of G, to go to the rescue.

I understand about your feelings towards the SW, and her desire to get your more involved. Well, you know how to handle it, so that's good. You do have a lot going on in your own life, and it's best that we take care of that first and foremost of all,
of which I know you do quite well.

Hang in there,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I don't know of any laws here re pit bulls other than the usual laws about owning any dog. I looked online and just the usual laws were listed.

Thanks for the feed back re work. I thinBook-k I am going to take a different approach this time.

Book-The last few days my neck and shoulders hurt quite badly. Headache the whole thing...last night I layer on the floor and had hubs apply pressure on my spine from my neck down. Myback popped in 3 places...no pain this morning. Have you considered see int a chiropractor for your neck? If your insurance covers it...give it a try.

G told the lady to report it and he called the police last night. They said unless a person was bitten and needed medical attention, they don't get involved. The woman was bitten - two puncture wounds - which would warrant a trip to the hospital, I would think, but they weren't too concerned. Apparently it is the animal control officer's area. Last I heard we didn't have one - the SPCA used to do it and they quit last year. Earlier this year my oldest grandson encountered a dog while he has on his job and called to report it and was told there was no animal control. Hopefully that has been rectified. Not a good thing in this city where many people have dogs.

cm - bears - they are wild creatures and therefore unpredictable. Yes, they are trainable, but can still be dangerous. Out at the plants this spring, a woman was killed and consumed by a bear - in full sight of others who were trying to help her and chase off the bear. It had been sighted wandering around the work camp several times that day and no one did anything. I believe her family are suing, which they should. As I mentioned, the police were not too concerned about this dog. That bothers me. It is dangerous.

Yes, the SW has things to learn One of them is to listen to the people she deals with. I will call her Monday with some concerns. I started feeling sorry for mother as she looks pretty pitiful, but then thought better of it as she has made a series of bad choices which have landed her in her current position, and as G has said, there is a healthy dose of pig headedness in the mix too.

hi chuck - I live in northern Alberta Canada where sighting dangerous animals is a common event. Perhaps that desensitizes us. We have bear warnings on the trail across the street each summer, (though none so far this year though) and I have seen bear a block or two away from the house. What a nasty experience you had with the pit bull!

G is on the phone right now with animal control. They got the report from the police this morning. No one else has reported it. They don't have enough to go on in terms of tracking the dog down, so nothing can be done at present. The owner would not give any information and disappeared as quickly as he could. I hope he has had a wake-up call and keeps that animal on a leash from now on.

I don't know where you live, but emjo is right that pit bulls are considered a dangerous breed and most cities and counties have ordinances for that reason. When I was attacked and bitten in my own yard by one of 2 bull dogs from next door, the State Police were very prompt, contacting animal control and hauling off the guilty animal. The dog was quarantined for 30 days, a court date was set and fines were imposed. Specific conditions were enforced upon these neighbors in-order for them to keep these dogs, and we live in the country. Fortunately, the bite was not bad, but it could have been. I shutter to think if I had been a child.They now avoid us at all costs, Oh well, but the dogs are penned up. Do not hesitate to call the authorities and press charges. People with dangerous breed dogs are committed to know all the rules and precautions to ownership. Most insurance companies will not insure anyone without clauses or will drop you if you own one of these breeds. No one should be afraid to walk down to their paper or mail box for fear of being attacked.

Emjo in the UK pit bulls are classified as a banned breed - once identified, they're destroyed, no remission for good behaviour even. There's a list of other fighting breeds too - tozas, for example. I think it's very sad, but I also think it's correct. You can't have them in populated areas, any more than you could keep a tiger and take it for walks. Or, indeed, a bear - though bears can be successfully trained, can't they? Or am I being sentimental?

I'm on dog-walking duty with Guy laid up for another few weeks. Zach, our Staffie, is wonderfully well-behaved - entirely trustworthy with elderly cats and cheeky chickens, for example - but even so I worry and won't let him off the lead in public. Bull terriers of all kinds are too strong, too intelligent and too lethal to take any chances with - if anything God forbid happened with another dog, even if he wasn't the aggressor, it would still be his fault and therefore mine. And with pit bulls the temperament is warped in the egg - there is just no way of making them safe to be around.

Did you report the incident to the police? I suspect they'd be out looking for that dog with a rifle.

Hm. I think your mother's social worker has a lot to learn, don't you? Time to pull the drawbridge up there. Why can't she look on you as she would your mother's accountant? - she wouldn't be expecting him to cosy up, now, would she?

Anyone got any thoughts on Christine Anne Lawson's book about BPD mothers? It's quite expensive - I'd like to hear feedback before I buy.

glad - G says in E'ton pit bulls are classified as a dangerous breed and must be muzzled when they are out and on a leash of course. I don't think there is any breed specific bylaw here. When the pit bull was running towards the other dogs, the owner was saying that he was friendly. He obviously doesn't know his dog very well. I know some of them are OK but some aren't.

And on another note - the candida infection flared again after I got home although I was on meds, so I have to rethink how much involvement with mother I can afford. I started another meds and that is working, but I have to be more careful. Found a scholarly article re stress and this infection, and stress is a major factor in upsetting gut balance, so I have to reduce stress. Been too much going on the past few months. Originally I told the SW that I would help at arm's length. She is working on getting me to do more with mother. I know it is her job to do that, but more contact has serious effects on my health. Also told G that if he wants to move mother again he is welcome but I will stay home and hire someone to fill in for me. I have too much I need to do here and can't spread my self that thin. I end up doing stuff for mother and not for myself and that is the caregiving trap we must all look out for. It brings stress in itself.

The insurance adjuster is coming again on Monday to take another look and "hopes to get this resolved". I hope so too. Still no estimate from the contractor. The adjustor has been trying to talk me out of making a claim, saying it wouldn't be worth it with the increase in premium. It is not his job to do that. Get me the estimate and I will decide what is worth it. Without a estimate from them I cannot approach the city. It was their sewer problem so I should be able to get something from them. Aaaargh!

Have a good day everyone - despite the aggravations in your life.

Emjo,
Many cities and counties here have disallowed pit bulls to be kept as pet. It is against the law and fines as well as removal of the pet from the premises are enforced because of potential for injury to pets and people.

re the accident - maybe I am clairvoyant. It wasn't G. He is an very good driver, not that that will always save you when there are idiots on the road. Maybe another thread.

re food - I get instructions of how to make pies. Dammit ladies - I am 76 yrs old. If I haven't learned how to make a pie by now, I never will. Actually, I mostly buy them as with the wheat allergy I cant have regular flour in the house and making GF (gluten free) is more expensive than buying. *Sigh* - used to make great pastry...

Christine - I am hallelujahing with you, though September is a while off yet. Hang in there!!!

Sharyn - control issues with sis again. Not being available is always a good plan with people like that.

Margeaux - you seem to be doing well with that one.

I remember at the beginning of this thread, I think, someone asked why they got stuck with the job of looking after mum when there were a number of sibs.
My answer was that it was because they were available. You read again and again on AC where family members make themselves unavailable and get out of a lot of work that way, so it is left to the one(s) who stay available.

Re being dependable and always showing being willing to go the extra mile, my experience at work is that it only got more work piled on me, until I said no. Other employees doing the same job got away with doing much less and were left alone and never asked to do extra. You get much further ahead by schmoozing the boss than by working hard.

Book - tough spot to be in. You are wise to be cautious.

On an entirely different note - I am sooooo proud of G. Last night we heard screaming from the street and G rushed out to see what was going on. He returned and grabbed a rake and disappeared around the corner. Seems people were out walking their dogs, and some guy had his pit bull off the leash and it went for a couple of other dogs (on the leash) and ended up locked onto the face of a boxer. The boxer's owner got bitten in the process, and G had to use the rake to pry the pit bull's jaws open to get it off the boxer. Some blood around. G told the guy he should have the dog put down and that if he ever saw that dog on the street again he would kill it himself. It could have been a child. There was a child being strolled by another lady and she was very upset by the whole thing. The guy who tried to get his dog off, but had no control over him, would not tell G where he lived and disappeared down the street. G called the cops and reported it. What bothered us, apart from the dog and his owner, was that other people were standing on their porches watching but they didn't do anything. The two ladies involved were screaming - literally and people just watched. I was concerned that it was a bear - not sure which would be worse.

You're dependable. No matter what happens, you're always there - even if it's your day off. They may have asked others, who turned it down. But you always came in out of loyalty to them. Out of appreciation for having a job. And thinking you were a member of that family. Then you got transferred, and got lip service from your own "family." Promises were made or attempted to be made - and nothing happened.

Reality has come to roost in front of you. You're not as appreciated as you thought. And now, you're seeing them as using you or taking advantage of your good nature, loyalty - to fill in - when you should be off. Disillusioned and Disappointed with your work/company/fellow co-workers.

That's how I felt when my boss was going to lay me off last year. Fortunately for me, his co-partner (the money man) stopped him from doing it. That was My Reality. Since then, I've mentioned it here. Saving as much as I can before I'm laid off. I'm working on not being resentful or bitter of them. Because they still were and are good employers. I think he's feeling bad. That's why he's offered to pay for my ticket to anywhere I want to go - last year - and now again this year. I have absolutely no desire to get on any airplanes. With the rate everything is going on, I don't want to become a statistic.

Sharyn would you be able to tell your manager what you've told us? I know it's incredibly hard to say that kind of thing without getting a lump in your throat, but if the company doesn't know how you feel they can't compensate you properly for everything extra you're putting in. Think carefully, in cash or time terms, about what you would like and offer them a proposal. If they can do so profitably, they'll be glad to work with you. Don't be afraid to ask.

I am feeling a little guilty because my b/d manager wanted me to come in tomorrow. Sis told me specifically on Monday...do no accept any extra work on Saturday so we can have lunch and go to the mall for the lotion. I have turned her down 3 times now about coming in on my day off,I know they need help..but I am just not wanting to knock myself out right now with commuting to work...however, the biggest factor in all this is...I have knocked myself out coming in on my days off, coming earlier than scheduled hoping to secure a place for me for the long haul. While being told I am reliable (I have come to hate that word), I am dependable and they can always count on me, I get things done!! Bam....I am transferred. I am struggling with...what's the point in all this? Yes, I get the extra hours and pay...but am I really getting respect? Does that even exist on the job anymore? While I tow the line, cover my tracks...is it worth it to invest more of myself when they will just transfer me again in 18 months to 2 years?

Camaryllis~ Happy to hear things are moving forward for you. Just hang in there until everything takes place, hard I know...been there and done that.

Another day and a $ worth of pay and trouble, LOL!! Co-worker called in sick, 2 people down already, very hectic even though customer service is very slow. Not sure corporate or the store really cares...but still trying to work in a manner that policies are followed without being hard nosed about it.

Sis called me at the tail end of my shift so I called her back after I clocked out. She did not sound happy that I called her instead of listening to the message...it was only 5 minutes later. We had made plans on Monday to have lunch with mom tomorrow and go to the mall since mom likes to browse the stores. I could have gone to the mall on Tuesday, my day off..but I postponed it for tomorrow since sis agreed. When I called her tonight, she wanted to meet for lunch with mom at noon. I mentioned about going to the mall and it being hot....she said oh...we have to go to the mall for the lotion?....Well, I haven't been feeling well, can we play it by ear? I was irritated and disappointed since I could have gone on Tuesday. So I said let's just have lunch at noon then and see what happens. She said, are you sure, we can have lunch earlier. I said no, noon is fine.

The way I am seeing this is...sis called me late thinking I was traveling home and would not answer the phone. She did not want to talk to me because she knew she was bailing on me for what ever the reason and she wanted to control the outcome. Sis not feeling well is not a problem, I get that...just don't try to control the situation to your advantage because you don't want to deal with me. If I could go to this particular store without going to the mall, I would. I am giving up a big part of my day off for this...so I will go to the mall to get the body lotion before we have lunch. Next time she wants to go the mall, I am not going to be available.

Well, hallelullah. The elder law attorney has the info to proceed with the POA, and the home health care lady says we should be able to get an in home aide in the afternoons while we are at work starting September 1.

Feels good to have things finally moving forward. It has only been two months, but seems like an eternity. Hard to get things done and work full time too. Now, to just keep my remaining sanity for a bit longer...
Thanks for listening
Christine

Maybe Emjo's G?

Sorry, Margeaux. Someone else, other than whoever it was. ;)

Glad,

What's this about me being in an accident? May this not visit my door, thank you.
Must be someone else.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Maybe you ladies read about an accident on another thread.

There is someone else recently in an accident. Maybe Margeaux?

My in laws never gave me any instructions about hubby's favorites. When we announced that we were getting married FIL just said "I don't think you two are in any position to get married" Oh well keep on 'sinning"

Joan~Your post about G's mother reminded me of my mil. While we were dating, she invited me over to her house for dinner with my now hubs. She made home made chicken and noodles, my hubs favorite. This was a test....1) if I like the chicken and noodles then I would learn to cook it for hubs because he should have what he likes. 2) she talked about his ex girl friend that he got engaged to. She was a picky eater...and blah, blah, blah...she went on about her and how she did not approve of her. Well I was flattered being only 18 years old that she approved of me because I was a hearty eater and loved the chicken and noodles, LOL!!!

I honestly don't know if I have posted about other accidents my husbands has been in...he has been in several since commuting over that last 25 years. 3 resulted in our vehicle being totaled by the insurance company and those 3 were not his fault. This one was his fault not that is matters, really!! Another vehicle was totaled out parked in front of our house as a neighbor around the corner (who had just bought a new chevy 4 door pick up) came around the corner too fast and plowed into the back of hubs truck, LOL!!! It bent the frame of the truck not to mention destroying the bed of the pick up. I keep telling him he needs to buy an armored tank to commute to work!!

Hi veronica - we cross posted. Frankly I think it is pretty tacky too, and my thoughts about her as a friend have been along the same line as yours. G has pretty much kept me from his family, though they know about me, and I have questioned that, but maybe he has good reason. He comes from a small town and everyone knows everyone else's business and he hates that. I am not too keen on it either. Thanks

Hi cm - G has told me enough about his ex and I have also seen, from his side, how she handles things. He has told me that I will never know it all and that is fine with me. From what I can see, she has a personality disorder - lots of anger and very controlling. I am uncomfortable with the "poor G" and with the references to his ex. from his mum. I don't think pity does anyone any good. "Poor G" made his choices too as we all do. You heal and grow when you take responsibility for your choices. Mil has shared stuff before, but this went further. I really don't need/want to know more, or to hear "poor G". There are two sides to everything. I have seen enough about G (who has many good qualities but a few bad ones) to know that and also about the ex. I think I will try to cut mil off at the pass - nicely. Just have to think of how to do that. His ex really does not factor in our lives very much and less and less as the kids develop their own lives. If (when) his son with the head injury gets ill again, there will be contact, but other than that and maybe baby christenings there is none.

Great that your G is doing so well. I have been wondering.

Let me know how the corn cooking method works for you.

You sound tired, cm. No wonder with appointments today. Hope you feel better after a night's sleep. Resentment? For me, accepting that that is how they are helps. Not that I don't have my moments of anger, but I try to deal with that and not let it turn into resentment. Other ways - getting the anger out by writing out your feelings, but not sending it, counseling, having a break that you know they will be jealous of, lol. You do need adequate breaks and maybe it is time to arrange for more. Is it possible?

Hugs to you. Hope you have a good night's sleep.

Emjo I think it is pretty tacky for your future MIL to be talking to you about G's ex. I would be very tempted to just cut her off if she started that. perhaps you won't actually want her as a friend.

CM I am glad your G is feeling better. He'd better be following instructions. I don't think remembering these things for him is in your present contract is it. He wrote it so he can stick to it unless there is some re-negotiation. resentment towards family members seems to go with the territory of being a caregiver. Write them each a letter telling them exactly what you think of them then burn it

"Poor G he's had so many hurts", Emjo? Is he doing a Joe DiMaggio reference his ex? I respect a man who doesn't kiss and tell, so to speak - perhaps he's operating an 'if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all' policy on the past, do you think?

In which case it would be better if his mother didn't drop hints. That sort of thing makes me itch, frankly: either say what you mean or shut up. But that attitude may not make your future MIL your friend, of course! If you can think of kind words to that effect, though, either you'll learn something you didn't know (or her version of events, at least) or she won't do it again.

Desperate to get to bed but mother is watching "This Week" and I'm reluctant to stop her (which would require having a hissy fit and stamping my foot). Yaaaaawn. Long day - visits to hearing aid technician and cardiology. Happy to report that both appointments were almost a complete waste of time: no news good news. Then she sat out in the sun all the rest of the afternoon. Why isn't she as sleepy as I am?

My G is quite a lot better, seems to be managing his self-injection anticoagulants and his catheter bag pretty well. Even asked nicely if I could change his quilt for a lighter one - I'm happy too, but mainly I was just impressed that he's actually listened to instructions for a change and didn't try to do it himself. Hm. He didn't know where the lightweight quilt was, mind you… maybe it wasn't just compliance, then.

That's a clever method for sweetcorn, Emjo! - very popular round here, I'll give it a try.

"Feeling resentment towards family members. Any ideas to help with these feelings?" I see in the margin to our right. Yeah. F*ck 'em. That's my big idea for today. Sorry, folks, I just need to get to bed.

loo - when I was in E'ton I watched a couple of Barbara Stanwyck movies but-had to leave before the second one was over. It was a murder mystery "Witness to Murder" with George Sanders and I really wanted to see the end of it. I love the old movies. You can find the full movie on YouTube, as well as others. I plan on watching it this afternoon. :-D

Emjo -- have they showed the Barbara Stanwyck movies yet? I saw something on my facebook about that this week, and meant to record some, but forgot! Waaaa :(

Sharyn - has your hub had more than one accident recently? Or was it someone else? You are right that many things can affect blood sugar. Complex carbs are best in general as the sugar is released more slowly and keeps bs more level, but when there is a bs drop, things like pop or candy are necessary to bring it back up again. Re the injections, I think they fear a confrontation every time she is injected and want to see if a "soft" approach will work. Despite the psych. saying a couple of visits ago that she did not want to conceal meds because of trust they did and started with a very low dose and it worked for a while, and then about a week ago, I gather, she stopped taking her juice. She must have recognised they were putting meds in it. Feeling better this morning, but grieving the changes I saw in my mother and what lies ahead. All things considered I should probably have stayed another day to rest up.

Margeaux - Sugary things are not for snacks for diabetics, but for emergencies. I think that protein combined with complex carbs are recommended for snacks. Protein helps to keep the blood sugar steady. I had a student with brittle (hard to regulate) type 1 diabetes and she was having trouble with her bs though she was consulting with a dietitian. From what I had read, I recommended to her that she have a protein snack at bedtime not complex carb, as protein is better at regulating bs. A few weeks later she was tested again and the dietitian was amazed at the results and told her to keep on doing what she was doing. Her bs (A1c) was much better.

Yes, they are crazy making. Mother was given a 3 day shot of antipsychotic on Sunday. I saw her Tuesday so I would think she was still under its effect to some extent. She still has delusions even when she is on the meds, but she does not obsess about them as much. You can distract her more easily. Before I go down again, I will be looking for ideas as to how to distract her - especially if I take her out and also to give some ideas to her financial advisor if he chooses to visit her.

G is a good man - too busy with too many things, but a good man and supportive. He understands mother pretty well. They are trying to find out why G's mum cannot keep food down. I hope they find some solutions.

Watching a Turner Classic Move right now. :)

Alison - looks like you have made progress in that what is needed is obvious now, I suppose you will have to keep on top of them re the HH nurse coming to change the catheter. Ooh , lunch with Julian. I like that name so am predisposed to like him already. Let us know how it went.

I have to remind myself that vascular dementia is a disease just as cancer is, it is not curable in mother's case, and not even easily treatable, especially when the patient will not comply. So I can expect her to decline. This is not just "old age", which does take its toll, but a disease which is progressing. The 12th anniversary of Gordie's death is approaching in a couple of weeks too, and I know that affects me.

On another note, last time I chatted with G's mum on the phone she wanted to talk about his ex and how hurt they both looked when they walked his daughter down the aisle at her wedding a year ago. Frankly, I think G was stressed, more than hurt, but in any case it was not a particularly comfortable topic for me. Earlier, he told me his ex did him a favour by divorcing him. He was being honorable and saying for the sake of the children, but the "marriage" had been over for years. I think, in retrospect, he realises that may not have been the best plan. In any case, I told his mum that we have our own lives and his ex does not play a big part for us. I talked to him a little about the conversation with his mum, and he really did not want to pursue it. Any ideas of how to answer his mum if she does this again? She tends to say "poor G", he has had so many hurts. Well, talk to me!!! So have I and I do not appreciate "poor" anything. I see G as a competent man who has managed his hurts pretty well. We all have hurts.

Have a good day everyone. Guess I better plan some supper for both of us - deli chicken probably as I don't feel up to cooking. I tried the new microwave way to cook corn - throw one ear in the mv for 4 minutes, husk and all, then cut the end off and pop out the cooked corn on the cob. Works like a charm. :-D

Margeaux-a healthy diet includes some sugar. Carbs are the big problem for deibetics because the carbs take longer to process so the blood sugar can be elevated for a much longer time than with sugar. This why it is best to eat whole wheat breads or brown rice as it is released much slower into the body. White bread etc is more harmful for diabetics.