The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi there - it's Monday, almost mid July. I count down the summer months, and then give a little cheer when I make it through Labor Day. I'm not sure when this happened, but summer feels like a huge grind. Lots of pressure to cram in house repair and projects, social stuff, and vacation??? What's that??? Haha...
I spent the past hour and a half at work catching up on 'mom' stuff (being able to do this stuff at work is a lifesaver!). Paying a few bills, calling her pest control company to explain why it looks like a payment's due when I already paid it. I paid for regular pest control, not annual termite inspection/control. So got that straightened out.
Going out to my mother's this Friday afternoon -- not to see her, but to visit an AL facility. I need to call her long term care insurance company this week, and have them explain her coverage to me (I'll ask them to use simple words and speak slowly, lol -- insurance stuff takes me a while to get my head around).
I doubt I'll be able to arrange for her vehicle donation this weekend, so will need to go out again in the next several weeks. I'll also have to coordinate her termite inspection, and maybe a dentist appt too.
Since she's becoming less able to understand things in general, I need to be there when the termite guy (or gal!) shows up. They need to come in the house, I wouldn't put it past them to try to sell my mother something she probably doesn't need.
A LOT more involvement this year than last. And so it goes. At least I was able to confirm that her home care person is actually coming twice a week as planned. My mother told me that she was only coming once a week, per her request. But that isn't so. Which is good.

Everytime I read a post on here I am so thankful I don't have dementia. Will I be like your Mom in another 18 months?

Iwent-hope you are getting some rest. Hopefully she wont have any issues from the fall.

Lwen-
Get some rest. Something with the way Medicare has changed that if she is readmitted within three days of a discharge the hospital will get dinged for it. Iwith the UTI she may not be able to process pain like she normally would. There may be an issue with the fall that is not being diagnosed either. They are very hard patients because of the lack of complete cognitive skills.

Our 87 year old fell earlier today after tripping on a box in a produce store and was sent home from the ER only to return 45 minutes later...Arg.........with a UTI, boy was she out of it, but she had no pain only when the Dr. pressed on her belly, we thought it was impaction, because of the water she doesn't want to drink...they gave her antibiotics and observation, it is almost 3AM, i hope they won't send her home before I can get some rest...

Beer in a margarita?! Sounds like the stuff great hangovers are made of!

Hi hi! Mom was 77 on Friday, so we loaded up the teenagers and took her cake, flowers, baloons, presents, etc. to have a little party i the visiti room. I have to say that you can assemble a darn impressive balloon bouquet from the dollar store nearby. 3 balloons, one glass vase, and a $9 bunch of grocery store flowers, and there it is for under $15.

As expected at 2 pm, mom was in her pajamas, asleep in bed. She didn't want to go have cake or open presents. She only wanted me to help her in the bathroom, which is big fat NO on my end.

I called an attendant to help her, but mom shooed her away. It "had to be me". And the attendant started giving me crap over the fact I wouldn't go in there. My final answer was that if mom didn't need her help, she sure as h-ll didn't need mine. Mom came out finally, griping that I wouldn't come wipe her. Lord have mercy. After half an hour of complaining, listing all the stuff "I gotta have...", all the things supposedly stolen, everything wrong with her life, and three threats to down the hall naked, she FINALLY had clothes on. Glory hallelujah.

She hated everything, complained about the sweater I bought her, never acknowledged the flowers or balloons. Her highness did eat some cake. We also brought her another case of pop which triggered ten minutes of how it gets stolen. No, it doesn't. She sees them clean up her half-drunk cans that have been sitting there for days. My God Almighty that was depressing, tedious, and life-sucking.

There is no "visit" going on. Never will be. Meanwhile, in another corner of the visiting room, there is a lovely lady who can't speak anymore who was so happy to see her new 3 week old grandbaby. Oh my gosh was she happy to see that baby, and that whole family just seemed warm, calm, happy. And there we are, looking like "Momma & Eunice" from the Carol Burnett show. My husband gets all the thanks and appreciation for everything...of course. He's the good one. At least that's done for another year. I was so glad and at the same time depressedhat I had to come home to have a Radlerita and lie down.

What is a Radlerita you ask? It's a Radler (beer + sprite or lemonade or grapefruit jucie) in a Cuervo grapefruit & tangerine margarita over ice. It's fantastic on a hot day.

But, things will get better. Thursday's my birthday and I have a massage. Friday, we are going to a music fest for the weekend. Hot dang!!

Alison does Dad realize that if he has a TURP he will most probably or more likely be incontinent to a greater or lesser extent and need to wear Depends? He WILL have a catheter for about ten days immediately after the proceedure because they have to cut through the urethra and the catheter protects it while it is healing. Once the catheter is out he will be able to pee normally but incontinence is something he may have to accept if he chooses the surgery assuming the biopsy is negative. Surgery is not the only option even if they do find cancer. But make sure he is fully aware of the incontinence he may fancy that less than the catheter. It does not bother my husband one little bit as long as he can buy the Depends he prefers and he takes care of everything himself.

Alison,

I hope your father can go this alternate route, regarding the catheter.
As I think I mentioned to you before my husband had to come home w/catheter,
when he had the hernia procedure, gee I can't believe it's almost a year ago.
The requirement before he left this outpatient appt., was that he pee. Many hours past after they did the procedure, and poor thing....he didn't pee. Surprise! Now you get a catheter. He apparently didn't know about this aspect of this. That meant I didn't either, and just the idea of it, scared the crap out of me, because I'm green in terms of being like a nurse for someone, in case things go awry. You know stuff like that. One has to be very careful about infections.

I'm glad that you're feeling better, too.
This must have put your body through some changes.

Hug,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo, a few days without a crisis, haha. Miracle.
Everything is about the same. We had a deck built and so the old ones can go outside without any stairs. So that is good.
Sorry for all my whining. I feel very sad and helpless.
Have a peaceful day
Christine

Watch NBC Nightly News tonight on the underreporting of Alzheimer's deaths on death certificates. The immediate cause is what is normally listed. Pushing for more information on death certificates in order to increase research funding for Alzheimer's.

Glad~Yes the baby's are still in the oven!!She is now 30 weeks and counting. Your sis sounds so much like how my mother was before the Alz took over. It is impossible to have harmony with someone like that. They cause so much pain and turmoil for themselves and everyone else but never can see they are the problem.
Joan~My sis did go get a will made naming her eldest daughter as executor and primary on the DPOA. She does not have enough to get a trust made but she is moving in the right direction. I am glad she put her eldest as DPOA. Her eldest told her "Do not put me in a position of having to go out to California and make decisions for you, Please have your wishes known in advance." The reason she told her this is because she (eldest daughter) and her husband had to come out here when her husbands mother died suddenly from an aneurysm. They had to make decisions for her such as removing her off life support...it was very hard for both of them plus they got custody of the 3 small children she had, 2 were her own and 1 was the granddaughter. My niece does not want to have decisions like that again without it already having been decided by the person involved. Joan, hope you are feeling better soon.
Book~Hopefully your nephew will get over it in time. Just try to avoid him for a while. Glad the typhoon wasn't too bad.
Alison~Glad you are feeling better....happy you got a good chuckle out of my feral grandsons, LOL!!

My cat finally got enough TLC so I can go to bed now. Have a good Sunday everyone...well in your case Book, I guess it will be a Monday.

Lol glad - thanks. Probably having been an instructor for years helps. You have to know each student and what is happening with them - and in college new ones each term. Getting the names right was a challenge at times especially if you had, for example, three blonde girls, late teens with similar hairdos and names starting with D. It happened one term I read on other threads and remember some of what is going on with others. Sometimes when I am writing a post, I open another browser window and read back to when I Iast posted to see what has been going on. I forget a few inevitably - not intentional. I am interested in the challenges of others and how they deal with them. Lots to learn here.

Off to bed and hope I have more energy tomorrow.

Emjo, I have to ask how in the world do you acknowledge everybody? And do it so well! I am doing good to remember one post to respond to at one time!

Hi all

Glad your sis is a total case - not healthy. Sounds like mother - it all must revolve around her. Really none of her business.

book - look after you. You did the right thing speaking up to your nephew. I understand about the spirits.

Alison - happy you are feeling better. It takes a while when hormones are involved. Thanks for the kind words. Let us know about your dad's results.

looloo - seems like your mum's place is being very picky. Too bad bro won't help. There are words for people like him...

Christine - hope you have a few days without a crisis of some kind

Sharyn - praying for the babes to stay put a while longer. Your sis has some hard decisions to make in the future I think. Her health is deteriorating. Glad hubby is OK from the fender bender.

cm - it does sound, from another thread, that your bro has some issues... Hope the party went as well as you hoped, and that your ex is managing OK. and that you are also.

sandwich -how are things? Do they ever settle down???

Margeaux - keep those boundaries.

Oh well. Never quiet for long.

Got a call from the SW with a heads up for the meeting on Tuesday. Mother said she was going to take control and has gone on a hunger strike. She has lost some weight, but is well hydrated. She told the SW not to bother about getting her any new clothes, or treats (she likes to have cashews and hard candies around). She is still taking her vitamins. Doesn't sound too self destructive to me. SW said they thought she had settled down enough to put her on a list for a facility until this happened. Gimme a break! Also, again they want more clothing for mother (actually the nurses do)

They don't get it. She will never settle down and why should we buy more clothing for her, as she is there temporarily, when she has more clothing in storage. The nurses want to wash her outfits daily. Mother is very clean and doesn't need that. not does she have or want much washable clothing.

My sis had sent two sweaters for mother, but the SW thought it was better not to give them to her for now, considering her frame of mind.

What they do not understand is that mother is narcissistic and looking for attention and will go to extreme lengths to get it. I don't think for a minute that she will see this through, but she WILL get some excitement and attention out of it - and it does put her in control of something, which as we all know is a big issue.

So what is new. My only question was could the type of place where they are going to send her to handle this kind of thing? I need to convince them that mother will never "settle down" in their terms and that either they should plan on keeping her there, or to move her to another place and let the staff there handle her. The SW said that the hospital is acute care and that mother cannot stay there. Well, put her on a list then, as she is not going to change and get manageable without drugs. Really, it isn't rocket science.

Meanwhile, I am exhausted - don't know if it is low thyroid only or low thyroid and an infection flare up. I suspect the stress of the last year has something to do with it. I upped my dose of synthroid and seemed like it will help but it will take a while. Will see the doc when I get back from E'ton and feel up to it.. Travelling tomorrow, so have to summon the energy for that somehow. I can sleep on the bus. Had a burst of energy yesterday evening which was great, so I am getting there, but today I am wiped.

This too will pass. Have a good evening everyone and do something good for you!!!

SM, the babies are still cooking! that is wonderful!

I dont mean to sound negative...I just don't have time today to post on individual thread, LOL!!!

It's been a rough week for all of us. I hope everyone is getting some ground work established.

We are have having home made spaghetti sauce ( I know, this is not the what's for dinner thread...but who cares), I am feeling better after this virus I had. Hubs was in a fender bender on Thursday and has a rental car...no injuries...and life goes on.

Hello friends,

I feel better the past couple days than I did for couple weeks before that. Was crying a lot and I know it was due to suddenly stopping taking the hormones. But seems like it might be calming down - although I'm still unusually sad and short fused, more than "normal" - and I will still work to get in to doctor sooner than Aug 5th but hopefully worst is over, no matter what. Thanks for all your support and understanding.

Emjo, I'm sorry you are not feeling so hot yourself. Just seems to me you've had a lot going on, still do, and it takes a toll. You're amazing to be able to offer support and kind words to others even when you're not feeling so fabulous yourself. I admire you for that.

Margeaux, thanks for asking about my dad's prostate issues. We go early this coming week to find out results of biopsy and go from there. I'm hoping biopsy is clear and we can move forward with discussing what procedure would be best for my dad. It sure seems they are going to go the way of doing a TURP. A lot of that is based on my dad's very verbal, very adamant statements that he doesn't want a catheter. Well, they are trying to give him an alternative. This does seem to be the only way.

I want to bring up Medicaid/Medicare because I saw iwentanon's post and it made me wonder ... in Illinois, Medicare/Medicaid were switched over to varying levels of health care plans. For example, my dad was assigned Humana Gold Plus plan. I could've researched other plans and chosen 1 of the other 6 plans offered. I assumed this was a national switch-over but I might be wrong, of course. Did this only happen in IL? Any other input from any of you about it? I'm wondering because then the correct move (and especially because she lives in IL, too) is to contact the health care plan and see if they will cover the adult diapers. ... Just some of my thoughts as I was reading that post, I did send her a Hug about that.

And sharyn, Maternal Feral Medicine had me laughing because, yes, I pictured your wild-child grand babies! You're kindle is good for some laughs. It might cause a little confusion at times, but I read between the lines, lol. I figured looneu was "looney"... funny, I can't even make that word "looneu," the auto correct for me wants to change to looney. But I have a brand new phone (yay!) and I've never seen anything like how crazy this phone's auto correct is. It absolutely insists that "cannoli" be "Catholic" ... "boo" becomes "bookends" or "doorknobs," can't remember which ... and other really OUT THERE word changes, all in the name of "correcting" my typos. LOL! I'm working with it for a few weeks now and its getting easier with time.

Glad, camaryllis, others - hang in there. I appreciate each of your tough situations. Hope you can get some movement towards bettering/resolving some things. I know it does my heart so much good to just have something, ANYTHING, improve because it seems like it rarely does. (((((HUGS)))))

Book, so glad no typhoon there. Ya know, I haven't had to interact with my siblings and other family in some time. But I'm going to Indianapolis around July 19th for probably a week... I'm expecting some friction but also expecting I'm going to stay a cool, detached cucumber and allow all their own space to be as dysfunctional as they do or don't want to be. ;-) We'll see how that plan works out...

Oh, that reminds me. I had a strange call at 10-11pm one night from my female first cousin on my mom's side. R and I have always been close and yet not close. I was nerdy growing up, she was popular and cool. Her and my older bro were closer. They both fancied themselves quite cool. But I guess my older bro's very condescending and hateful ways were directed at her a couple weeks ago. And she calls me out of the blue, I haven't spoken to her in 6 months, and she wants to cry on my shoulder for an hour about how poorly my bro treated her. And she even SAYS to me "I know he treats you like this, but he never treated ME like this before..." And I did have sympathy for her. She isn't a crier (and she was crying) and she was clearly hurt. I listened to all of her hurt feelings and just got off the phone shaking my head. She never bothered to defend me, or call out my bro's actions/words as wrong, as long as they didn't affect her. She knows my bro has bullied me all my life. But as a 40-something yr old woman, when it finally reached her, she calls ME for SUPPORT. Hah! These family members, I tell you what... :-P

Have great weekend all!

Her excuse for not helping three yearsbago was that she dealt with "dangerous clients". Most recently it has evolved to she deals with " caregiver clients". Whatever best suits her excuses.

Just part of the narcissism. Everything as far as she is concerned is an attack on her. Not keeping her in the loop. She said no harm in openness. If I felt safe being open with her, and I would be stupid to do so, then I would. This family dsyfuntion is unbelievable she should practice what she preaches!

No, sorry, Glad - I didn't think there *was* a problem, I was just checking in case I'd missed something. It's nice when steps get on, I'm happy to hear it confirmed.

I'm still feeling irritated by counsellor sister's silliness, though. "You didn't tell me such-and-such!" in that accusing tone, when all you can say is "er, no, I didn't - why would I?" Why can't they tell the difference between people keeping sneaky secrets, and people just going about their own business in the ordinary way???

Perfect Book!

Got it. Narc sis is counselor, used to people looking to her for answers, approval, self-reinforcement by their therapist. POA sis is not the counselor. Comprende!

CM. No, there is not a problem between mom and step sis who is very supportive to me in every way!

It sounds as if you misunderstood something I wrote. You are correct, when his family visits it is none of my business, nor sissies. Their plans on how they spend that is entirely up to them. My only responsibility is to help in any way I can so they have a pleasant visit.

I did not agree to notify Sib of the nest visit, instead told her she would have to seek the information from steps is.

This is the counselor sis, other sis has POA. And funny, she knew about the visit since L told her, she too could have shared the information with narc sis and didn't, evidently. Guess she does something right.

Lastnight, while bro and his son (the nephew that I yelled to stop it or I call the cops) were putting up the typhoon shutters. I asked nephew if he can change grandpa's hospital bed remote control. Nephew completely ignored me and continued talking to his father. My bro looked at me and kept nodding while his son continued with his story. Well.. . I guess I will no longer be able to turn to him to help me with dad. The Consequences of stepping in - when most of my family looked the other way.

Today, his older brother came over. I was struggling trying to assemble the $30 computer desk I bought. All by pictures with no written instructions. Even with his expertise, it took us over an hour to do it.

While we were putting together the computer desk, I said, "I guess your brother holds a grudge!" He looked puzzled. So, I mentioned what happened that night. I then told him that you all need to understand this. Do Not abuse your spouse in front of me. You will be forcing me to choose between my loyalty and my conscience. I gave a shaky laugh. Then said, "My conscience will always win. Look where I am at now (referring to caregiving.)" My nephew said that he has repeatedly told his siblings that they need to keep things inside the house. To never bring it out in public. It's his bro's fault. He should have known better than to do that in public.

I told him that I was so scared - torn between stopping it and the 'bugaloos' (my word for the spirits.) And I said, "You know how they don't like me - the night ones." He laughed and nodded. When I mentioned that I was glad that his bro stopped when he did, because I had reached their home boundaries and felt their spirits. I told him that I couldn't go further because of 'them'. He nodded and said, yeah we have our own spirits.

I also told him that I was scared of his brother. I felt that if I interfered longer, he would have turned against me. Hurt me. He said very firmly (so that I believed him) that his brother would never do that. ... Pause... and then he added, "And if he did, I would beat him up!" sigh...He looked at me and then said quietly, "He is scary." ... My fave niece told me that every friend of his (aggressive nephew) that pissed him off, he no longer is friends with them. My niece told me that he holds a really bad grudge.... That means, knowing my family dynamics, that I can now never ever trust or rely on him. That I will need to watch my back. That I have just made a quiet enemy. sigh.....

Glad, there's no actual problem between your mother and L's daughter, is there? Just wondering. Your mother's okay with her visiting?

Glad...From what I read so far in your posts with sis, your latest post is the clincher for me. It's all about power. Power control. This is the sis with POA for your mom? Does she believe that there is also an "understanding" that this extends to your mom's husband? To me, in my mind, it sounds like she doesn't want you all to get together without her being there. With her and you going through court, having stepsis there visiting is an Unknown. She doesn't know what's going on.

All I know is that if I had POA, and I'm trying to put my mother in NH and I'm already going through all that lengths to discredit my own sister, I would not like it at all that stepsis came to visit sis, mom and stepdad - and I was never told of her visit nor invited for dinner. Why? What are they up to?

Oh... CM, while I'm still typing this, I'm just reading your post. We're thinking the same thing "behind her back." =)

Glad, it's this phenomenon when a person seems to think, seriously, that they're entitled to have their approval, if not actual permission, sought before anybody does anything that tickles me. WHY would you agree that she should be 'informed' about L's being visited by his daughter? What business is it of yours, let alone hers? I suppose she feels that if she doesn't get these plans run past her in advance then people are doing things 'behind her back.' Well, what of it? Let her hold her breath, I should.

Glad~I am so sorry, your sib is a real manipulator. It is a shame when a family comes to town to visit a certain person and the rest of family can't accept it and they want to be included. It is all about them...I can so relate to that. Just keep doing what you are doing. Hugs to you!!