The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Allison, absurd! Problem with state systems, is that they forget there is a person that wouldn't be there, if they could help it, because they need medical attention!

What I mean is - they won't call it in until the exam is done because too many people would abuse the system? I don't know, that doesn't make much sense to me, but I did call several times and was told the physician would see the notes... but no Rx yet... I'm pretty miserable... and when you're full time caregiver to mentally challenged father where there is bad history, I DO NOT NEED to be feeling depressed. Too much to look around at and feel the pain of. Its unfortunate I had no warning about this. I literally went in to pharmacy to refill as usual and was told no more refills. Will try to fix that for future when I go to my appointment. Just to give you an idea of what level of state program this is I'm going through to get my female care, they won't even approve more than one month supply at a time. Typically, in the past, I could get several months' supply at a time...

Glad - thank you, I did try to call and request. Several times. They said the physician would get the message. I guess I can go visit the clinic, its very close, and I'm crying pretty constantly so maybe if I go in and they see how much its affecting me they will help. I get the feeling because its a state funded medical service that I'm getting, they don't like to do this kind of thing of continuing the Rx without appointment. Not like a regular Ob/Gyn. BUT - I haven't tried going in. I'll do that asap.

Glad- too funny... I need that..thank you!! My daughter was sent home. I felt kinds bad because I called my Fil telling him "L" was sent back to the hospital. By the time I found out what was going on and that she was released...Fil had called everyone in Ga. This is how it will gp until boys are delivered but I will make sure I have info before I tell my Fil. When many gather in His name....

SM! LOL! I thought you were going to tell me what I should be eating! Darn Kindle!

I mean good idea...I really should use my computer but the kindle is so convenient.

Food idea Glad! I know my Dr will do that for me.

I am waiting for my daughter to get blood work results back. Her Dr sent her to the hospital because she thought the amniotic fluid looked too low. So a specialist did an ultra sound at the hospital and said it is normal for twins. If her labs come back the same as last week, she can go home.

Alison call your doc, many will call in a 30 day prescription as long as you have an appointment made. Hope you start feeling better.

Something akin to depression is hitting me hard lately. I had an appointment to take my dad to Psych evaluation tomorrow but I postponed it. I'm in no frame of mind to speak concisely and clearly to a psychologist and try to tell her my father has mental impairment... she'd likely think I was the one mentally impaired by the end of the hour, lol! I have been making a list of very specific behaviors to be able to give examples, plus took pictures of him around the house and his room...

I hope everyone is doing ok. I'm not. I had no notice that my oral contraceptive - that I take almost entirely for the purpose of regulating my hormones - was suddenly not available to me due to an expired prescription that I had no warning of... and my appointment for annual exam isn't until August 5th. The last few weeks of moodiness/sadness I think is mostly stemming from the withdrawal from the hormones. Yikes. Getting blindsided with that just doesn't help, you know?

Hope everyone American had a great 4th of July. I did join my neighbor's backyard parties and had a great day. Even my dad got out there for a few hours. It was nice. (((Hugs))) to all.

My mother is in memory care. She gets excellent care. We did not give up or throw her away. We did what was best for everyone involved. I take her to Dr appts and out for hair appts have lunch and dinner with her. I advocate for her and visit her 2 times a week. I already was in the trenches with mom from birth as our childhood was extremely abusive due to mom having a personality disorder. It is not an easy decision and I still cry after visiting her mostly it is greiving because she can no longer take care of herself. A nurse comes out once a year from mom's. Long term care policy to evaluate her care needs and to make sure she is receiving the appropriate level of care. I got to go get haircut and visit mom...today is Basking Robbins day for us. Am waiting also for the nurse to call me so I can be there when she evaluates my mom.

Hugs to Camaryllis/Christine. You have a far longer fuse than I do. Bless you. Sounds like you have your hands full.

Something to think about - utilizing facilities is not giving up. Try reframing that idea around what your priorities are. The facility my mom is in is prepared for anything she can throw at them, and she does!

My priorities are to keep her safe from herself and the world, and to preserve my home as my sanctuary. There is physically no way in hades I can care for my mom's needs properly.

The care center mom is in has fresh staff that come on duty every few hours. They do the cooking & cleaning reagardless of how big her mess is. The place is purpose built for it. They have programming throughout the daytime for people with dementia like my mom. She wouldn't get any of that at my house. She is safe from herself and other people. She has a routine there. They can respond to any kind of medical incident with a direct hotline to the doctor for prescriptions and direction. If they need 5 people to come help with her, there are 5 people on duty who can respond, unlike at my house.There are nurses on the hall, unlike at my house where there are just cats.

This arrangement lets me preserve our home as a sanctuary for myself and my family. I can be in control of how much time we have together or apart. I don't have the burden of keeping her and her clothes clean all day & night, which is an enormous amount of work. They change her adult undergarments and keep her from falling. They feed her dietetically designed meals to keep her BP low, blood sugar low, and not tax her kidneys too much.

We all get our quiet/safe space in the house, we can keep up with our activities, and I do not ever worry about mom. They are taking better care of her than I can, and I would never dream of moving her. Her vile personality and angry abuse are contained. My kids aren't exposed to it. I am not exposed to it like I used to be. This is critical for my mental health.

I tried doing in-home care with her before she degenerated to the level she is at now, and it nearly killed me and destroyed my family. Some people can do it and make it look easy. I am not one of those people, and the care center piece is a critical must-have for all of our sakes.

Christine-
You write "But do you give up and stick someone in a facility just because they are unpleasant?" It is not just unpleasantness, it is effecting your family relationships. That effect is in an of itself enough! He will become increasingly difficult. How long are you going to wait, or when is enough, enough?

I am sorry, but to me, it sounds like it is past time. You need to do something that will help everyone and the method to do that is obvious to me. Are you waiting for someone's magic words to make you realize? Are you waiting for Charles' approval? Here is an idea, you take a vacation by yourself. Get away and really reflect on the situation. I think you know now, what needs to be done, but removing yourself from the situation helps.

Charles and MIL are in denial of FIL's disease. You are correct, he cannot control what he thinks or does. Sending him to his room will only be effective if FIL is able to remember what he has done. And he does not, is not able to process the information.

Hi Sandiw,
Ugh when my own mother was alive we had that with the siblings who tried to cause trouble from afar. Makes you want to scream. Luckily no siblings in the inlaws case. Shutting off the phone is a good idea.

Yes, that is a lovely mix, isn't it? MIL seems to have maybe mild or beginnings of dementia too, she can't think straight or talk straight a lot of the time. But mostly what she does is complain, so maybe that is okay. The borderline part is worst, I have trouble dealing with that on a good day. Charles is a therapist, and he knows how to handle that better than I do. So I let him. :)

Yes, I am finding that walking away is the best answer. For my sanity, such as it is, anyway.
Have a peaceful day,
Christine

Wow..great post- I am living in moms house and she has mild dementia, narcisistic personality and is a borderline personality also. Mix in insulin dependent diabetes and high blood pressure, depression amongst other conditions and there you have her. she s 82 1/2 and a pistol to say the least. S sh he can be very mean yet childlike..doesnt appreciate anything I do for her..most times
Likes to stir things up ... (I have a sis in Calif whom calls and tells mom bad things about me and likes to stir things up here in Florida...) I have to shut the phone off lots of times and only let mom talk to her once a week...But I know what you mean about the behaviors...only I cant put mom in her room as its her house so I just walk away...its very draining...all the best- sandiw50

Hello,
Well, a holiday of three days of nonstop talking, mostly nonsense, delusion and garden variety crazy talk. I left the room for a while, and came back with a book and sat in the living room and read for an hour. He was talking the whole time. Didn't seem to matter that I wasn't listening. Something I am noticing here, is that he wants to get into an argument. He is deliberately trying to provoke me, and the best thing I can do is not respond and just leave the room. I mostly can do that. Yesterday I lost my cool for a minute and yelled back. But then I realized that this is what he was going for. And I can't play that. Their family are yellers. I am not.

So, treating dementia patients with dignity. There is no way to do this with someone who is not present. Or at least I can't see a way? It seems like he needs to be treated like a child, since he can't function as an adult. I am really beset about this. Last night at dinner he looked at his food and didn't recognize it, and started spewing nasty remarks to Charles about the sh*t on his plate. So Charles did what you would do to a child who was being disrespectful and rude at the table. He sent FIL to his room. I put his dinner up, and in half an hour Charles went in to see if FIL was ready to be nice. He didn't remember any of what had happened, I guess, and came back out and ate his dinner. Was it not giving him dignity to do that? MIL looked ready to cry.

I know, I know, he should be in a facility. But do you give up and stick someone in a facility just because they are unpleasant? He has been unpleasant all his life. He and MIL are both narcissistic. And she is borderline besides. He has another dr. appt on Weds., and maybe there can be some change in meds. I didn't know men could get UTIs and I am going to ask them to check for that too. Charles and his mother believe that FIL is just faking it, because some days he can get up out of his chair, but when I am there he asks me to help him. I don't think he is faking, but they know he is manipulative and so they are suspicious. He has been diagnosed with severe dementia. I give them things to read and tell them about the symptoms but they don't really hear me. So frustrating. I don't believe he is doing any of this on purpose, but I do think he wants attention, and since I will give it to him he asks for it from me. Charles is much more utilitarian, he does the necessary things and no coddling. MIL is angry and won't interact with FIL unless it is really critical. And MIL is angry with me because she thinks I am paying more attention to FIL than to her. It is like triage, the most critical patient gets care first, right? She is functioning, and I pay attention to her. She gets cranky with me, though, if I do things she can do for herself, so I can't win there.

On top of everything else, I am trying to train their little yappy dog. That at least is going well. Treat training. Might need to try that on the old ones. Last night I got them all excited because I was making strawberry shortcake for dessert. Treats work, everyone was happy when they finally went to bed.

Yes, this helps me, to write things down and to hear feedback, both positive and negative. So thanks for listening...
Christine

just a drive by - surfacing again. I'll have to catch up later.

think I finally found the source of the headaches - had a doozy the other day. I checked side effects for the steroid nasal spray and headaches were listed along with some other things I have. Stopped using it and no headache since. Fingers crossed. Took me another day to just recover. In the middle of this got some bad malware and a Trojan on the computer so I couldn't get into AC for a while and then my browser kept crashing. Superantispyware to the rescue and then another scan with my resident virus detector which let this all in, but screamed that it was in the recycle bin, so ran all the scans I could and it seems to be OK now.

Meeting set up for G and I in a little over a week with the SW and psychiatrist. Most of mother's mail is not being forwarded despite the fact I paid for the service. Better look into that. Canada Post gets a smack! Can anything be straightforward??? The ALF is sending what has accumulated there, which I appreciate.

Re the basement, I sent a letter to the adjuster and the insurance rep before the end of June about the estimate. Still no action -no word from the adjuster or the contractor, and the insurance gal sent the letter for the adjuster to me by mistake, so I sent it back to her. I am decided as to whether she is playing games or just incompetent, and I pay for this service . Have to get G after them tomorrow. Unbelievable

My sympathies to the stress of dealing with dysfunctional parents and/or sibs. (((((hugs))))) and look after yourself.

Well, the holiday weekend is winding down. Hope you all got some rest, maybe some fun too. I'm psyching myself up for another visit next week. Will most likely have to take 1 or 2 more vacation days to make the drive down. My ,other's homeowner association inspected her front yard, after I did my best to make the corrections they stated needed to be done. It wasn't good enough, and her gardeners won't call me back, so I have to go back down and try again (it's at least 110 degrees there this time of year). I also need to see if she was telling me the truth when she mentioned thata neighbor of hers was interested in buying her golf cart. It's possible she made the whole thing up, or didn't understand whatever conversation took place. If the neighbor is interested, I have to handle the sale. I'll see if I can also donate the car at the same time, but odds aren't good. Last, I'll visit another AL facility. When the time finally comes (soon, please!), I hope to have things as organized as possible. My mood has been pretty angry lately. The only way my mother knows how to interact with me is to try to have me do her bidding, to try to manipulate me. I have such limited patience--really can't stand dealing with her.

I yslkec with my sis earlier today. She hes resorted to.turning to a friend of one daughter in her city. I am feeling torn because this woman she is turning to has has many issues...she lost a daughter to neiman picks ..a rare genetic disease. The man Dur was married to was not the father. He had gone through to be sn attorney. Lbut after several. Attempts failed the bar examines. Sorry for typos but using kindle and in a hurry. Her husband lost iit. They separated but he abducted her with intentions of bodily harm. She toy away and he was jarrested
She is now remarriex rather quickly after all this...my point is sis has no right to impose on this woman...(she is a high school principal) a Christian.. ut has her own life and issues. Just another tactic to not accept her own relality and impose on others.
She is scrambling.

Margeaux~Wow, your sister keeps on keeping on doesn't she. She asks you to come over to relieve her, but won't let go of the control...I would have left to the store anyway saying I needed something important. Your sister's attitude about the caregiver taking some time for her 7 year old daughter, sounds like my mother in law.

I hope my daughter does take it easy, she is on disability from here on out. I think the baby shopping trip was a way for her and her hubby to release some anxiety over the hospital stay and sil losing his grandfather.

I think my sister self diagnosis many times which is why I get conflicting information from her. The potassium issue could have been a result of her dr misdiagnosing her with CHF some months back. They put her on a diuretic with potassium supplement and other meds, but after a heart ultra sound and breathing test, they ruled it out. Possibly the diuretics, even with the potassium supplement, caused this...IDK for sure. I honestly don't know all her health situation any more because she recants diagnoses all the time.

Take care and many hugs and good thoughts for you!

I remember my mom being the same way Sandwich. Before the Alz took over, she, one way or another made herself the center of her grandchildren's weddings, graduations, and then complained about how much money the parents were spending on the wedding or the reception for the graduation...on and on...it was too hot so we would have to leave early...but oh NO, could she have just thought to stay home because of the heat so everyone else could go and have a good time...H#!! NO!! I hate Alz and don't wish it on anyone or their family, but the Alz has been a peace keeper within our family...sad to say.

Keep hanging on, take a dip in a cool pool.

Being the moon is no fun - Amen to that! the only thing you can do with a narcissist/borderline/cluster B person is get the heck away. Since they are usually close family (they don't have friends), it's so hard to do, but man...once you start to feel normal, you don't want to let that go for anything. It takes a lot of work to find normal, since it's a new experience, but it is so worth it.

My mom would "show her tail" any time there was another event or person who took the spotlight off her. No hissyfit is to big to pitch. No scene too dramatic, and the more public the better. If there can be police and ambulances involved, bonus points! These people invented "drama llama".

I just got off the phone with the care center. It's been at least two weeks I think, since the last momma-emergency. Momergencies. She's raising h_ll. Kicking the elevator, hollering, swearing, combative. Saying we are holding her hostage up here, and all she came up here for was pneumonia (um....hardly!!) I suggested they call the doctor and ask for a sedative since she's being physically aggressive. Give her some horse tranquilizers if necessary.

Sandwi50 They really ave no idea what they are doing. My mom is a narcissist and feels like she is entitled to 100 percent attention. You can only care about 1 other person in her mind so if I am for my grandson we are raising then I must not love her anymore, even if she is snoozing in her chair at the time. They mistake themselves for the sun, I liken them to the blackhole at the center of the universe...everything goes in but nothing comes out. They take all the love and care and it is never enough. Hang in there, therapy sounds like a good idea. I had no idea about mom for my 60 years, just realized it after getting on these boards. Make a life for yourself. Being a moon is no fun.

Argh!! Too many people in our lives that are just "no pleasing" but somehow it's become our role to keep trying to please. I'm so fed up. It's like there's no sincere, wholehearted, honest interaction -- it's all just being told one way or another what the latest demand is, by a person (or people) who are impossible to please.

Glad,
Yes, you are right! Going over there to do relief for her, always involves she in the beginning and end being at the helm of everything. Then she wonders why I am not forthcoming when it comes to being more available. She's tooooo much to deal with. She's higher maintenance than mother is.

Yes, definitely, I was wondering why she had this need to hang around all day, especially when I can't always do this for her. She doesn't value other people's time, nor input.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, strange indeed! Maybe she would have stayed all day if you hadn't said something! Had to make the cream of wheat?! I suppose she is one of those that just is not satisfied unless things are done HER way!

One of the things that my sister talked about was the fact that one of the previous caregivers who was there while the battle ax was alive is now working again 3-4 days a week for mom. So, I wondered about another younger girl they've had there caring for mom the last year. I asked my sister if she was still there. She said, "No, she's taking a couple of mos. off, because she wants to spend time with her little girl, who is 7 yrs. old."

This CG is very nice. She lives in another county and takes 3 buses to get to mom's. I had a conversation with her about the travel by bus. She told me that she does have a car, but w/gas prices she can't afford to spend so much on gas, I know what she means.

So when my sister was talking about her absence, I could tell that my sister had this tone in her voice as if this girl's wish to spend time w/the daughter isn't important. She also brought up the fact that she takes 3 buses, and added that she drives, (as in how crazy is she for taking the buses). I reminded her, that it's expensive for many people to gas up their vehicles at current prices.
Of course, my sister had to chime in with, I'm sure fares for the bus isn't cheap either. This CG is a single parent. I replied that not everyone is in the same financial circumstance, and for some people it may be the difference between being able to eat, and pay rent. My sister doesn't pay rent at mom's, so all the money she earns is either going into her bank account, or being spent. She really has such a demeaning way of looking at people who have less, and isn't shy about showing it. I don't think she enjoyed the fact that I stuck up for the caregiver, either.
She has a very superior attitude! I think this attitude comes from our mom,
because dad didn't think this way.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Well I went to mother's on the 3rd to stay w/her on the 4th, the entire day.
The reason I went the day before was because my sister asked if I could be there from 8-5:00. I didn't want to risk getting up late, then we just can't predict traffic.

So the night I arrived, my sister went to her boyfriend's to spend the night.
She told me that a rug shampooer was coming early the next morning, and that she'd swing by early in the a.m., since she had to pay him. He was to shampoo a portion of the rug, they had a plumbing leak in an upstairs bedroom.
Well, she didn't show me the area to be shampooed, and the guy doing the job arrived very early, 8:30 a.m. Now I had to call my sister on her cell phone, to ask the "where questions" and tell the shampooer. So there we started the cavalcade of my sister's webbing me into her house stuff. She arrived a little later to pay this guy. Mom slept through the whole thing, I couldn't believe it!

The rug situation was all taken care of by 10:00 a.m.
So now my sister started to do laundry. Now the original plan according to her was that I show there at 8:00 a.m., so I started to wonder what kind of plans she had for the day? I knew she was going to her daughter's house to be there w/her grandkids for the 4th.

She became involved doing several house chores. Watching her, just wears me out to no end. I asked her what I should feed mother that day. She has a new refridgerator, so things were changed up in the kitchen. I couldn't find things.
She told me that before she left.....she was going to fix some things for mom to eat. This irked me. Now she was making cream of wheat. Then she opened up a can of tuna, and left that prepared. What!!!! I can't fix mom something to eat???
She's such the micro manager. By now it was almost 12:00 noon. I thought,
why in China am I here? I'm not referring to taking care of mom part. But, I am talking about doing it, w/o my sister's interference, nor presence.
She's a neurotic, and I just don't like her energy. It's as if she's always trying to prove something, and look like a martyr. "Please don't do cheap theater for me."

I thought she was leaving after the food thing......but now she tells me she's going to shower. Oh boy!! Mom was still sleeping. So, I told her that I was making a quick run to the store to buy some things. Do you know that I no sooner made this comment, and my sister grabbed her purse, and said she'd just shower at her daughter's house? She was out of there in all of 4 mins., if that.
Why didn't I say that sooner, I thought! Interesting how at the mere thought of I becoming unavailable, she finally left.

Mom finally woke up, and I fed her the cream of wheat.
She was having a very sleepy day. Needless to say, I was glad to see mother.
This trip there left me exhausted. All I can say is that my sister can be such an energy sucker!

"There's no place like home."

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I too am dealing with 3 narcissists- mom, my sis and her daughter (my niece).
I didn t know what I was dealing with until I read it in the DSMIV online..they are very very nasty to me and I am starting abuse counseling to learn how to deal with it... (them) The funny thing is it doesn t even seem to bother them at all the way they treat me...like I am nobody and nothing!!! I do speak my mind when necessary, however, it does no good as its too late for them to change-mom sis and niece also are borderline personalities always wanting to stir things up with me in the middle...my famous words are I dont argue then walk away...sis lives in another state...I dont really bother with her but she tells mom things about me when they talk on the phone which has made mom not trust me and is against me at every turn..birds of a feather flock together...Hope this helps someone else..hope they aren t going through as much as I am...it is starting to affect my health, hence the reason for counseling...Best- sandiw50

Sharynmarie,

I'm happy to hear that they've released your daughter, and that she is being monitored. I once had a friend who had the same condition. She was 37 having a baby, w/very high blood pressure. They had her take a leave from her job at the end of her pregnancy, and was ordered to lie on her side.
How fun the baby shopping, but as long as she doesn't over do this kind of activity.

Sorry to hear that your sister had to return to the hospital. She sounds as if she really doesn't know much about her health conditions. This can be dangerous and then, if she was diagnosed with anemia.

It has been very hot. I drove that long distance to mom's. I had the AC on,
but I've an old car, so it's not the greatest. I got stuck in traffic for over 2 hrs., the day before the 4th. When I arrived at mother's I felt somewhat dehydrated.
I'd been drinking water, but probably with the heat, I needed more.
We do really have to watch it in this heat.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn, keep those babies cooking!