
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
My daughter is home on modified bed rest. She has dr appt 2x's a :week to monitor her bp and bloodwork w/ ultra sound once a week. So far she is staying stable.
Turns out my sis was not dehydrated but dangerously low on potassium that when she arrived at ER,. they were waiting for her with orders of STAT on her condition. A nurse was suppose to call me as her emergency contact to let me know they were admitting her overnight...never happened. So this morning I was texting her daughter to see if she knew whether her mother was sent home yesterday, but she knew nothing. I finally called the hospital at 2:30 during my break at work...they said she was being discharged right then. Sis has to get bloodwork done on Sunday and a follow up appt. on Monday. Her eldest daughter and I are both on her about moving to Kentucky...sis will have both daughters plus her grandchildren who drive to help her...not just me.
Sis said, how can you just leave California after a life time here, I said...I have a lot of good memories..but they are in the past, not longer a part of my present or my future...Yes, I will miss the Sierra Nevada's...nothing compares to the diversity of the beauty of the Sierra Nevadas...but..I want to be near my daughter and grandchildren...not to take over her life as I know she has a life in Idaho and friends, but there is little holding me here in California plus my retirement will go much further there than it will here. She said, it is too soon and I am not ready. I said, you tend to wait too long...don't make that mistake with your health.
Christine, your in-laws' situation, still so new to you and your husband, is changing so rapidly that you surely must call on professional help - otherwise what chance have you got? We've all admired how hard and intelligently you've worked to welcome them into your home, but at this point what he needs that additional, professional expertise. And no one should feel bad about that, any more than if you suspected he had pneumonia or a bad tooth - why would you try to deal with it all in-house?
Thanks for listening
Christine
Well, sis is in the hospital again...dehydration, I guess. Her lab work from yesterday came back with everything low including anemia. She is currently getting an "infusion" of fluid IV's to bring up potassium, sodium etc. I have not gone to see her, but did let her daughter's know. She drove herself to the hospital so I or my brother won't need to pick her up. Nothing overly serious...it has been hot and humid here, I even had to start drinking Gatorade because I felt a little weak and light headed the other day and that was still after I drank 2 2liter bottles of water...I guess it flooded my system flushing out potassium and sodium. I am not taking any chances with this humdityy (which I can't handle well)..a dry heat is much easier to tolerate.
Happy 4th of July and Happy Canada Day...I have to work tomorrow but I am off Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday...Yay!!! more decluttering.
This reality came to our island. I'll have you know, that they have it on footage of the shadows moving, of heat thermal pushing a crew who pissed off the spirit. We passed their test.
When I say that the night spirits don't like me, I mean the night spirits don't like me. And when you 'trespass' on a spirit that doesn't like you, they CAN hurt you. We have soooo many foreigner or non-locals who used to scoff at us. Until they did something to upset the spirit. Then they became sick, and the white doctors couldn't heal them. After resistance from the locals, they go back to where they offended the spirit and apologize. And then miraculously got better.
My anger against my nephew's manhandling his gf over-ruled my damn fear of these spirits. I YELLED out loud at night. A big No-no since that will upset 'them.' I ran into their territory - because I felt 'unease' being there. I reached the limit where I wanted to cross before they hurt me or follow me home. One could say that my family has the '6th sense'. Others would just say we're superstitious. sigh... I'm sorry. I keep forgetting the culture differences here.
I agree with Veronica! He is going downhill fast there, may be even faster in a facility. But stop and ask yourself, would he want to be causing the distress in the family that he is? I doubt it. Not many would want to cause this amount of disruption. If it were me, I would rather be dead. My Mom has told me she would rather die than live the way she is. She does not have a clue about most of her history. She does not get violent, but we are going that way. I am beginning to wonder if she has some vascular dementia as well.
Book, you didn't overstep any kind of boundaries. It must be very difficult for you given the fact that just from what I realize from your many posts, there's so much gender bias in your culture. In mine also, believe me. Women are so relied upon to do the work, yet they are subject to tons of criticism. When there's physical abuse to go with it, what a pair that makes. Anyway, this makes for lots of archaic psychological control all the way around. Your sister, as Veronica stated is numb.
When anyone has been a victim of this kind of abuse.......in some way it no longer affects them, as in a reaction.
Your brother's gf, oh my!!! You can be sure she's been abused by your nephew.
If she's as you've described "silently struggling," this is certainly not a reaction of a woman who thinks this is wrong behavior. When an ex, even suggested to me there was going to be physical abuse, I fled the household. This is a statement of fact, too! To this end.....have there been any feminist movements, or awareness about physical abuse against women in your culture?
Even though, it's something you endured as a kid, it's wrong and you as an adult woman realizes it. The only thing for you to do is to call the police.
About the spirits and the dark......we also in our culture have some spirit stories.
It's up to anyone about how much credence you want to give to any of that. Try your best to break free of this kind of thinking, Book, because it is a form of control in the way you would act without hesitation, for the good of someone, especially yourself from being enslaved by this kind of thinking.
"Feel the fear, and do it anyway."
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
You have come here often enough with detailed stories about your in laws, and the difficulties that just keep getting worse. I realize that venting really helps you.
However, I'm getting the feeling that for what ever reason it may be.....both you and your husband are dragging your feet about getting this man evaluated. You've said, "I am fairly sure that it w/shorten his life to put him in a nursing home." Also,
you're saying that "what's the point, since there's not much of him left." These as far as I know are judgment calls on your part. No one knows whether in fact this would be the case. This is really based more on your opinion. We don't have a crystal ball here. Try to move beyond some of this thinking, or you will never address the REAL issues.
Anyway, my question to you is......are you going to be a someone who comes here and just tells us about what's been happening to these elders? Or are you and your husband going to do something that in essence will really benefit all of you?
I watched my sister go round and round when she was taking care of our battle ax aunt, (mother's sister). I was completely frustrated w/my sister after I heard about all the endless escalation of events w/our aunt's behavior's. My suggestions to her fell on deaf ears, because she got too caught up in fighting w/the woman.
There is light at the end at the tunnel, but one has to be willing to be open to find it.
I encourage you to have the strength to put your situation in it's proper perspective.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
a few points
- as you say he doesn't have much of a life anyway, he lives in fear/distress often and the disease is progressing. He is in emotional pain. If he was in this kind of physical pain would you not get him the right treatment?
- quality vs quantity - at his age and with his disease quality is usually better
- an NH will get him the care he needs and should improve his quality of life and may therefor lengthen it or may not
- what about your and your family's quality and length of life. This is very stressful for all of you.
- what about mil? This must be very hard on her too.
- when is it bad enough? If you are asking that question it is bad enough.
Hugs and blessings
Oldest sis is not well and numbed by a life time of these observations. If you stood behind her with a gun she would take the bullet first. You know better and maybe one day you will be strong enough but not until you are truly independent and possibly off the island.
Glad, I know, I keep thinking it is not bad enough yet to call the ambulance. This is why I feel crazy. How bad is going to be bad enough? I can't even think straight right now, between being upset and sleepless. I am fairly sure it will shorten his life to put him in a NH. And while I think that, I also think what is the point of him living, there is not much of him left. And it has only been a bit over a month since they arrived, he has gone downhill fast.
Breathe...
Christine
I started to get sooo angry. Vicious cycle. Seeing his father, using his pregnant wife's stomach as a punching bag and father uselessly telling him to stop, while we younger kids stood there with horror while he was trying to kill the baby inside.
I look at oldest sis. She's just sitting there, smoking and watching the scene of nephew pushing gf out, manhandling her. I cannot just stand there and PRETEND nothing is happening. I started running towards them, with real fear, because if he's like his father, and my father, he can turn against me - aunty or not. I started yelling at him, despite it being midnight, and my brother's 2 renters (families) might hear me - I yelled, "Stop it! Stop it! Or I'm going to call the cops!" The struggle ends, and he goes back inside. Gf is sitting outside, recovering.
And I find myself in the middle of the darn yard at midnight, and the spirits don't like me - and I'm in their territory. Plus, when I approached their home, I felt 'uncomfortable'. I'm not welcomed there - at night. So, I backed off, and went back to my porch. Stood there, staring, trying to see. It's so dark in their area. But no more yelling. Doesn't mean anything. He will use his gf as a punching bag. Like all abused people, like us kids, we learned to not make noise when being 'punished.' We learned to have a high tolerance for pain. I'm so upset. I cannot sleep. I hate this vicious cycle!!!! (I can't believe that oldest sis can just sit there, silently smoking, watching the scene unfold - and do nothing!)
Have you found that place for FIL? When he exhibits the behavior of last night, that is the time to call 911 and have him taken in for a psych evaluation. Do NOT agree to take him home, you need your life, your work, your family, your SANITY!
Well, things in crazytown are getting crazier. Yesterday I took MIL to the dr., her hand is infected. FIL fell and got a similar wound on his hand, but got antibiotics and a tetanus shot and is healing. MIL didn't get anything from the ER. Anyway, while we were gone Charles had to stay with his dad, and dad was very restless. He was going on and on about having to cash a check to get money to go get fried chicken. He was trying to go out to the car. We just had a nice big deck built onto the front of the house, so they could walk outside with no stairs. He hasn't tried to get down the stairs yet, but I am getting a baby gate this weekend to prevent escape. Last night he was still restless, and wouldn't go to bed. At 10 I finally dragged him in there. At 1 am he started yelling at the top of his lungs. He had gotten out of bed somehow and was sitting on a chair in the dining room. He said we needed to go to the hospital right now, that we all had cancer. I tried to reassure him, but he was just wild eyed and I could not get through. All the commotion woke Charles up, and he finally picked his dad up and put him in his bed. And told him to shut up, we had to go to work in the morning. FIL was still ranting this morning but more quietly. He has a dr. appt. next week, and I am going to ask about a sedative or something for nights. It is difficult enough to deal with him but on no sleep it is getting impossible for me. I have been crying for the past couple of days.
Do I sound crazy? I am beginning to feel like I am. Wah.
Thanks for listening,
Christine
Glad~Yes, I agree about the fireworks being set off for several days in our neighborhood. I guess it shows my age because it gets so overdone and annoying. I do enjoy the fireworks the city does because they are pretty.
I am off tomorrow, but we are gearing up starting today for the 4th. At work, any Holiday is a 3 day event, even an all month event.
My daughter was release from the hospital yesterday after seeing a specialist. They decided the toxins were stable for now, but she has to see her dr 2 x 's a week for bp, and once a week for blood work and an ultra sound. She can still deliver early but we are hoping and praying she can reach 32 weeks if that should happen.
My sil's grandfather passed away on Sunday whick added to his anxiety about everything but he is doing better now. I texted my daughter today and asked if she was enjoying her freedom. She said YES!!! Hubby took her baby shopping and they bought tons of sh!t, she said, LOL!!! I asked her what they bought, she said highchairs, a pack n play, car seat and extra bases so both cars have the bases in them, bottles, a nursing tank, etc...more LOL!!! She has the pressure off her as she is now on disability (no working until after the boys are born).
She apparently wants to take advantage of the 3 day weekend. I told her I would.
I have been down to see her, although it's been some time since I did relief.
Maybe we'll blow some firecrackers, just kidding. That might scare her.
When I told my husband I'd be going there the 4th, I could tell he kind of didn't like it, as in I would not be around for who know's what plan. We really don't have plans. But he understands, too. I'll probably be back here at home w/him, in the evening, because I'll spend the previous night, as I'm needed from 8:00 - 5::00, then a paid CG shows up.
O.K., I hope you all are not stressing, fretting about the 4th.
I wish you all some calm and peace.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Mercury Retrograde? I had to google it, never heard of it, but yes, things are crazier than normal here! Now that explains it, and I am not even talking about Mom!;)
I thought I was going to have to look this up in the abbreviations thread.
This is funny, and I'm looking for my chocolate right now, dark chocolate!
Yes, it's been rather quiet here. Well I think many of us were on that wild ride with Mercury Retrograde. I sure felt it. But Mercury went direct on July 1st.
Hope things start moving in a positive and forward motion for all of us here.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Happy IVGLDSW Day!
Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn out and screaming 'WOOO HOOOOO what a ride!'