The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I have a niece from my youngest brother's first, (preganancy marriage), that didn't last. She's been nothing but a lot of trouble which has included, drugs, dealing them,
bringing these problems especially my parents (her grandparents), which resulted in jail time on several ocassions. She's was estranged many, many years from the family. She's hardly had a relationship, her dad, my brother. This is partly because over the years, he just didn't participate in her upbringing. Maybe just for a very short stint, when her own mother couldn't deal with her delinquent daughter. But she was so uncontrollable.....eventually he and his wife threw her out of their house. Can't say I blame him either.

I have never ever had any kind of relationship with her. She was a very manipulative, spoiled individual, even as a kid. So as she committed the disrespect upon our entire family, especially her grandparents, you can all imagine why I've never liked this girl.

Well the day our dad was buried, we were all at our parent's home......there was an post funeral reception. My niece caught me upstairs by my bedroom, said she wanted to talk to me. I allowed her to come into my room, as the house was filled w/people. She became so aggressive with me, asking me why I never speak to her, etc. She then brought up some things from my past, I'm sure her mother told her about my history (small trouble). She had to have been told about this, as she wasn't even born. Anyway, she was trying to use this almost as a defense of sorts, against me as in......."you haven't had such a clean past." She was putting me on her level. Given the fact I was so beside myself w/grief, from having participated in some ongoing caregiving w/dad's cancer, and really I thought to myself, "WTF......I now have this estranged person getting in my face, about herself." Boy did I let into her, I brought up a slew of sins committed by her upon my parents, one of them being having brought drugs into their home. I also told her, the conversation was over, and I had to now become aggressive w/her, just to get her out of my room. It was such an awful feeling for me to have to do this, since I'm not the aggressive type to begin with, I was running on empty.

So, that was 12 yrs., ago. The entire family hardly has seen her in all these years.
She went to jail again in that time, and later shacked up w/a guy who was beating her up, at least that's what we heard through the grapevine. Estranged.
Very recently, I've been hearing she's trying to re-cpnnect with my brother.
She's married now, and really is trying to put out all energies, her life has changed.
That would be great, although w/her history there's too much dirty water under the bridge for ME to believe this. I'm not so naive to think either just because you have a man to dangle on your arm, this is the case either.

Well as you can all imagine my sister has her own stories about our niece also.
My sister has had words wi/her, and pretty much banned her from mom's home about 2 yrs., ago. But as of late, I don't know what's going on in my sister's brain.
My niece has managed to connect w/her. My sister invited niece and her husband,
also of course my brother and wife to mom's on her birthday weekend.
I'd been there the day before, as that's when mom had the two visits to ER, then hospitalization. I for that reason, told my sister I wasn't going to be there on mom's "B," day. I just thought it was TOO MUCH, that my sister even decided to have all those people there, right after mom was released from the hospital.

Anyway, my sister knows about the story......the day we buried dad.
It's really making me so annoyed, lately every other time I speak to her.
She keeps bringing up this niece, and how she and mom were invited about a weekend ago to her house for a BBQ. I don't know whether my sister is doing this to recruit me to her camp. I'm afraid that I can't just take this posture, where my niece just behaves as she has in the past, and we're just to act like she's done nothing wrong whatsoever. This is more than just a case of let's by gone's be by gone's. I was already detaching from my sister, but now I'm really detaching.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Cam-you are doing wonders so be kind to yourself as well. We all have a bad moment from time to time.

Oh Glad....my kindle replaced cakes with vales LOL! I didn't notice and I had to go back and read what you were talking about. Luckily the customer had a good sense of humor.

Glad, thank you, I have a place that has beds available, just have to navigate the process for getting him there via medicare/medicaid. This part is taking forever, and Charles has to do the legal stuff, as he is related and I am not. Charles is not able to manage much of this and work too...so it is taking longer...sigh.
Veronica, thank you. And I hear you about being respectful, I have been stepping back from the personal care stuff because of this. MIL can do these things, and FIL is accepting help from his son, so it is one thing I don't need to do often. I do realize that whatever he is thinking feels real to him, I feel awful about losing my grip with him yesterday. But yes, a learning curve and thank heaven for you and the others on this group that so patiently and kindly respond. Thank you. I worry that moving him to a facility will shorten his life. He is terrified of the idea. MIL says that the husband she had is no longer here, she is trying to process her feelings and I can't imagine how hard it must be.
Today the deck is being built, by tomorrow they can go outside more easily and be warm (they are always freezing), I live in Texas so it is usually broiling here.
Sharyn, yep, think we are already on Plan C, :) But it will all work out somehow. I am tired and stressed, and have a hectic job and am having some trouble concentrating at work so that is causing me some problems at the moment.
Thanks for listening,
Christine

OK, Sharyn, I have to ask, what the heck is a vale? Or is it one of those crazy acronyms, that nobody knows?!

Christine, I'm on board with everything Veronica said above...and I'll add a note. When doing the cleanup of an elder or anyone you're providing care for, keep talking. Talk about the weather, talk about something they enjoy (fishing, travel, tv shows, etc) to distract them from the fact that you are cleaning areas of their body that they'd prefer you didn't - and the next thing you know, the cleaning is done and they really haven't noticed.

Christine you are still so new at this caregiving busines and it is very difficult to be on such a steep learning curve when you are hands on. Whatever FIL complains of real or not is very real to him. You saw no evidence of his itching but he definitely felt it. You absolutely did the right thing taking care of it for him embarassment or not. Try not to strip an elder naked, even if they are used to it it shows lack of respect. Keep the family jewels covered.Leave the underwear on and if necessary wash him with a towel over that part. What is OK for a wife to do is definitely taboo for a daughter or DIL and even male children even if they are professionally trained. MIL has been dealing with this caregiving for more years than you can imagine and with her own aging problems she just can't manage a double load anymore. You and Charles have been very compassionate in taking them into your home and being prepared to become caregivers for which there is no training. there is the constant worry about not doing the wrong thing but you know there is no wrong way when it is done with love. We all make mistakes but as long as you are prepared to learn from them it is merely a learning experience.
Christine you and Charles are doing a wonderful job and even if FIL needs placement you will not have failed. failure would be keeping him home when you were no longer able to provide the care he needs. This is an ugly disease so don't expect caregiving to be easy or pretty. the best analolgy i can think of is someone learning to knit which of course not many people do these days. If you drop a stitch it becomes a mistake in the making, if you continue and ignore it it is a mistake for all to see, On the other hand if you find someone to show you how to pick it up again, no evidence remains and it becomes a learning experience. Blessings

A customer came in the store today with 2 little girls. One of the girls ran to the bakery deli asking are you the person who makes the vales? The decorator said yes I sm. Pointing at the cake table, the little girl said..there is a dead fly in a cake over there. I looked at the mother and said..don't worry, there is no extra charge for it.

Cam, have you started looking for a facility for FIL? If not I would suggest that you start looking. Many decent places have very long wait lists. If you are on a list and something happens many times you will be moved to the top of the list.

Camaryllis~If that is what is happening then you and hubby can plan for a plan A,B,C...of course with dementia...it will all change around and no long work.

Sharyn, You might have something there...he does seem worse when she withdraws, or maybe she withdraws when he gets worse. She can't hear him when he is mumbling, and so keeps having to say what? and then he gets mad. So she gets away from him. She is exhausted, and it must be really hard to see your husband of 68 years in this condition. Waaah.
Thanks for your thoughts...
Hugs
Christine

camaryllis~Have you noticed if your fil has these bad spells when his wife takes a vacation from his care? I am just wondering if he notices his wife's lack of attention so he acts out in other ways to get attention. This is not to say that you can control this, just that maybe he misses his wife being involved. It almost sounds like their relationship is closely tied to have how his wife feels from day to day and what she can handle from day to day and when she has had enough and takes to her room, he may notice this absence.If this is what is happening, it may be helpful to you and your hubby to be able to predict when fil will be having bad days. Just a thought and blessings to you!







`

OK, one more whine...
Yesterday when I got home, FIL was screaming in 'pain' that he had a rash all over his back and legs. I looked, no rash. Asked if anything hurt when I pressed on his back and legs, nope. MIL said he does this when he wants attention. I thought maybe the fact that he laid in his peed on depends until morning might be causing some chafing. So I got MIL to get him out of his pants and depends, and gave her some cornstarch and a powder puff. Best thing I could think of. She couldn't see, she said, so I had to do it. I wanted to pour bleach in my eyes after that. He was so embarrassed that I saw him nekkid. I just passed it off, saying I had a husband and a son, so nothing new to me. Anyway, I have not had to do personal care for him, he usually refuses to let me, although lately he will let Charles.
I know I am whining. Feeling discouraged tonight. MIL has been skipping meals again, and smoking a lot, so she has lost five pounds. FIL hasn't wanted much to eat either. So I feel like I am failing. Although logically I know I can't fix this.
Thanks for listening,
Christine

Hello,
Whine ahead, get some cheese... :-}
I get to take care of everyone in the evenings. FIL is particularly nutty then. Tonight was bad, after a week of near peace. He seemed coherent and knew where he was. Tonight he was really out of it, and started with the accusations and saying he was being held against his will, that I stole his keys, the usual nutter rant. I had a really difficult day at work, and after trying to redirect him for a while, finally just yelled at him. I feel so bad that I snapped. I said that Jesus would not like him making accusations, (he has been exceptionally preachy lately, and kind of smug about how he was going to heaven...makes me mad when people don't act like christians when they claim that they are. Anyway, that is my problem) I told him that I could not handle his crap tonight, and that he needed to get a grip. Of course, I know he can't. MIL went to bed, she has been avoiding him the past couple of days. So I had him to myself, and kind of gave him a lecture about how he had a loving family that was taking care of him, and what was so bad about that. I usually can be patient and redirect, but tonight even a brownie didn't work. He asked what a brownie was. Aaaaahhhh.
Poor Charles has daytime duty, and every day this week FIL has peed all over himself and all the bedding. I can't figure out what he is doing, unless he is pulling the depends down? But Charles has to change the bedding and give FIL a shower every morning before he goes to work.
I feel bad that I yelled. I apologized to FIL, but I don't think he knew what I was talking about. Another weird thing is that when I helped him up off the dining room chair, his legs were bouncing. He couldn't stop them and he couldn't seem to figure out how to walk. I wrapped myself around his waist and kind of pushed him forward a bit with my foot behind his foot, and got him to the bedroom. I was thinking of a wheelchair, but it would not fit here. I had bought him one of those four point canes, and the PT was trying to help him use it. I tried to have him use that too tonight, but he couldn't manage it. I could see that it was mostly cognitive.
Anyway, thanks for listening
Christine

I think I liked typing all those steps. LOL! I posted about my brothers step daughter (my niece).

One of the guys at work put a cardboard silhouette of a man (an advertisement ) in our backdoor window of the bakery...I kept feeling like someone was watching me....so I looked up and there was this blond haired man looking in the window wearing a race car drivers suit...scared the he!! out of me for a second until I figured it out.

Oh sharyn, not to worry, I love this site and all the people here, well most of them anyway, misunderstandings usually brighten my day and provide a well earned chuckle.

Glad-sorry about step daughter. I knew in my head she is your step dads daughter...not your step daughter.

Alison ref the BPA, maybe they're collecting data for a study and meanwhile using it as a marker. It does sound as if it's of serious interest, don't you think?

I guess I better start studying the abbreviations thread as I used SD, which was thinking step dad, funny I am the step daughter. It is hard to use these terms at all. Mom was 80 when they married. It is very hard for me to consider him step dad, much less stepfather. Maybe I will just start using a single letter.

Reminds me of a email MD (most dysfunctional) sis sent to everyone a few years ago that referred to mom and P as "our parents", actually made me sick! MD is so freaking needy, narcissistic, etc. Just cannot stand to be anywhere near her any more.

I speller that wrong..Irs. preeclampsia.

My daughter had an OB appt today. The boys are 2lb 10oz. I don't know if this their combined weight or their individual weight. but for twins at 6 months, I think this is good either way. Their heads, however, are the size of babies one week older, LOL!! A couple of egoists on our hands!! I asked my daughter when her next appt is, she said Friday...her bp is up a bit and there is protein in her urine. They will do further tests to rule out preclampsia. This is a complication of multiple births and for women who are obese prior to pregnancy (which my daughter is), women who have a history of high bp prior to pregnancy (which my daughter has had but she has been able to manage it with regular exercise) and it can happen with a first pregnancy. I am not too overly concerned at this point, we will know more on Friday.

Margeaux~Thank you for the information on retirement. I know that we are vested with the union after 10 years. I need to look into this further just so I know what is what.

Alison~Keep us informed about the results. All I know about prostrate cancer is that it is slow growing (but maybe not always). My bil's ex wife lost her father to prostrate cancer back in the 90's, he had it for many years...what treatments were available then, I don't know...I just know that he was not treated.

Speaking of cancer, my niece will be receiving chemo for 1 year...so many weeks of chemo, then a week or 2 off, then so many more weeks on...for a year.They are taking aggressive action to hopefully make sure the cancer does not return. My nephew got to where he was allergic to the chemo, he would break out with blisters all over his body. My brother said there are like 250 different types of chemo and they tried several different chemo's with Chris but he could no longer tolerate it.Hang in there and take some time for yourself.

Glad~My heart goes out to you and your step daughter. You both are doing a great job with caregiving. I hope as this progresses with your step father, some positive treatment will be available to help him. You and step daughter can get help and support with in home care. Take care of yourself.

My thoughts about my comment regarding young doc "looking a little strained"... After posting I thought about how my father reacts to pain and needles (he's the most extreme fraidy-cat that I, personally, have ever seen, and very jumpy) and this young doc-in-training had to stick a bunch of needles up father's back passage to numb him and take the 12 biopsy samples... it couldn't have been any fun for anyone involved.

I mentioned BPA to PCP doc today during follow up visit. PCP doc was also surprised to hear that terminology instead of the typical PSA. I have no idea why the VA Urology Department would choose to test BPA in my father's case. If PSA levels were tested previously, I have no knowledge about it. Well, results in about 3 weeks...

Would like to give more feedback and go into other things but I'm so tired. So good night to all and be back soon. (((hugs)))

Sharynmarie,

First of all I just want to say that I'm no lawyer, so just want to throw out the disclaimer here. Apparently from some research I've done about retirement plans, there's something called the Employment Retirement Security Act of 1974.
(ERISA) Generally speaking a retirement plan is not supposed to be taken away, not even in the case of termination. This is protected under federal law. But of course, it depends what kind of retirement plan one has. Some plans do require an amployee be at the company for a specific amount of time. Then there's something called "vestment." This happens after an employee has been at a company for a specified amount of years. Then the employee can apply for "vestment." This would mean that the retirement fund cannot later be rescinded.
Anyway, specific laws that some people seek out labor law attorneys for expert advice.

Anyone can give subjective opinions about people they know, and what they've experienced, but better to be sure about something like retirement plan rules.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Our 87 year old's husband died with prostate cancer and RA, the couple kept it together for the whole time until he passed, which made the manifestation of earlier stages of Alz/Dem. diagnosis attributed to stress...

I also worked in a nursing home where couples were not in the same stages of anything but one clearly needed to be there, as long as they were together, they made it through...

This is a tough one, I agree have Plan B and Plan C in place, once talked about can help you work through this tough decision.

Sandwich, do you want my siblings? They are on fire sale this week! But SD daughter is wonderful, so appreciative, helpful, supportive!

===GladI'mHere - hugs and serenity vibes from here to you! My goodness.

===I am blessed. I have no siblings to deal with. I hear horror stories from colleagues, friends, and on this site. I've seen the angry disputes with my mom & her sisters. No. Thank. You. Me, Myself, & I are enough on this committee.

Even though mom swears I was a twin and during delivery the other one died and they wouldn't tell her about it in some bizarre delivery room conspiracy. She wasn't even conscious at delivery. I was a c-section with general anesthesia. They had never predicted twins at any of her previous doctor visits due to her size or heartbeats. There was no death record. My dad never mentioned anything like this. I would think that he would have had to sign something - even if it was 1971.

It wouldn't be a story from my mom if it wasn't loony as Lake Superior.
But she is the one who SWEARS that 90% of doctors are fake and unlicensed and all the nurses are being replaced by Nigerians. She's on an anti-Nigerian streak this week.

Very rough times for you and the family, Glad, I'm sorry. Check in often!

Glad a lot can happen between now and the fall. but you are thinking ahead before the you know what hits the fan