The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I had a very strange outing with my neighbor the other day.
She's the one I've written about who likes to drink.
So she asks me the other day, if I'm going to make a trip to a warehouse store
of which we both are members. I told her, "yes," I needed to go as we were completely out of some supplies. She asked if she could come with me, since her driving is becoming very iffy these days.

So out we go to the store. When we're walking in, one must show the membership card. She informs me that she's forgotten her card. Not a problem we go in w/mine. But when we were done and were now coming over to the cashier area,
I told her it would be a good idea if she just allowed all her groceries to be tallied onto my credit card, w/my membership, and we'd figure the bill out later.
I couldn't believe it! She took me through a whole number, in front of the cashier, a guy. She wanted for me to hand her my membership card, after my purchase and she would pay cash for her items. The reason I didn't want to do this was because one has to give the cashier the membership card before he starts the transaction.
I'm unsure whether something like this is against store policies. She became so stubborn about it, even asked the cashier whether this was o.k. Much to my surprise, he said it was. I just didn't like the fact that she became argumentative, while I was doing this whole trip not only to get my things,
but to help her sorry little a** out!!

So this wasn't the end of this confusion. I'm now standing there, waiting for the guy to ring up her stuff. He does, she now looks at him w/a stupefied look on her face
and says, "Oh, I think I've forgotten my cash." Then she turns to me. Oh boy, I was still boiling from the fiasco at the register to begin with. The guy now asked whether it's o.k., w/me to ring up her items on my credit card. How do you like them apples? So, we actually reverted to my original plan. As we were exiting the store, she informs me, that her money was there in her wallet. I wanted to slap her at this point. She also wanted to repeat the story about how this happened, since she changed purses. I didn't want to hear all this nonsense, any more, so I changed the subject.

Anyway, she seems to be having these kinds of episodes more and more.
Her daughter who works in our town, and really does not live that faraway,
has pretty much been very uninvolved, unconcerned w/mother. She's a nice lady in many ways, but boy is she ever stubborn, and I'm sure the alcohol plays into this. Wasn't it Emjo, who wrote about the dry drunk?

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book- you are right about them edging out the employees who have many years of service. Usually the people who get fired are the employees with 20+ years. There is too much drama for my liking at this store. "A" has one personality when the manager is not there...bashimg the manager, complaining about the company, yet...when the manager is there, she is laughing and taking all day with her(the manager). I think it is all politics and really don't want to hear it.

Judda,

I think for many of us we never had that kind of relationship with a parent.
In my case.....mom was very neglectful in her responsibilites as a parent, since she worked full time. Then once the weekend rolled around, she would be out the door with her sister shopping all day long. This mean a lot of responsibility fell upon my sister and myself, since we were the eldest of four kids. I stopped longing many, many years ago for some kind of genuine relationship with her, because of this. Mother in those days did have a mean streak, ordering and expecting for my sister to do just about anything that had to do with babysitting and cleaning her house. We were kept in order so to say, by mom's control. When I was a young adult, I challenged that order of things w/mom, I had to or I would have never ever had a life of my own. She would of loved for me to join in on some kind of cling on relationship w/her and the entire family. It took for me to really be detached, as in moving out of our country for 3 yrs., to break this cycle. So even though mom as the years have passed doesn't behave with so much bravado as she once did, she's lost her fight, w/ALZ. Nowadays, when I go see her, I do treat her very nicely, and show her some affection. But I know I would never ever get the reciprocation some of us crave from this dynamics.

Well, all in all it sounds like you know all the issues. Hang in there, and just take the middle road.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

thx Sharyn - that was insult on injury, and really surprised me as nothing like that happened with the 2 implants. It prompted me to get the Nasacort which I think will be soothing and helpful for my sinuses.

No sw does not rely on her. I think sw is just being cautious, and she does not know D as I do. Possibly D could be helpful for mother at some point - at a price, but I don't want her soliciting work from mother. I will tell sw about D giving the family in Scotland the impression that mother had virtually nothing with her. That was manipulative and designed to get them going. I also asked sw if she thought mother was up to a shopping trip or if it would be too disturbing for her. I can always look for someone else to do it. I really would prefer not to and think it would be less stressful all around for an impartial party. Possibly I will have to shop and deliver.

Re sis taking action, I hope she knows she hasn't a leg to stand on with 3 psychiatrists involved, the case worker, and also the observations of the staff at her Alf and where she is now. However that sort of thing did not stop my first ex from trying to get the boys from me. It ended up that he was soundly told off by the judge not to try it again and we moved forward. So I will leave it be unless my sis takes some legal action. I know I can expect abusive words from her and have to thicken my hide. I shared that last email from sis with mother's lawyer and she said I would have to get my own legal counsel if In wanted to deal with it, as she represented mother. If sis attempted to move mother she probably would get involved. I have decided that I can't let the stress of sis wear on me too much. It will continue until mother passes and the will has been executed. After that, I think there will be little she can do. I looked up the life expectancy of a 102 yr. old woman - it s about 2 years. Vascular dementia cuts that in half. I do expect mother to live longer as her physical health is so good, but the vascular dementia will progress and eventually take her if nothing else does. It is a horrible thing to say, but it does give me some hope. I know mother wishes she was gone. She really didn't want to live much past her 100th and is suffering from the effects of the VD and won't take meds. to help herself. It is sad and her life is very restricted.

Looloo,

Regarding this news for mama, it's as they say, "It is what it is!"
On the one hand any caregiver can feel sad for them, however when it comes to their safety and others category, well there's no compromising about that decision.
You handled it brilliantly, too!

My mom too, when it came for that time, taking the car keys, my sister broke the news. Mother who'd never really been the driver throughout her life, dad and her older sister were. Dad died. Then when she and her narcissistic sister started to lose grip power in her hands, driving for the sister ended. Mom was well into her eighties, and was only doing very local driving. All signs were pointing towards,
it was time for mother to give this up. Heck I went there one weekend prior to this,
and she'd gone out to get some milk. My aunt was at the house by herself. Mother took so long to return from the store that day, I was so concerned. I'm know now that she'd already was diagnosed w/ALZ, was on some med for that. Her narc. sister was the only one who knew that, yet between the two of them, they didn't tell the rest of us. Needless to say, I'm very sure that day mom could have been having a hard time remembering how to get home from the market.

I can't say I blame you for not wanting to see her til her birthday.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Joan-glad your headaches have calmed down, very painful. It sounds like D is behaving rather unprofessionally and I agree, I would stop her from visiting. Does.....the sw rely on D for some help, is that why she is hesitating?

Your sister finally found out about your mothers situation. I hope she doesnt get too nasty about this and stays away. She wont be able to visit your mom but I guess she could still stir up a hornets nest by getting an attorney. You may want to talk with your moms attorney ahead of time to discuss some plans if it comes to pass. Having to live with waiting for the bomb to drop is stressful.

Take care of yourself.

Sharynmarie & Glad,

I logged in sometime yesterday a couple of times, and I noticed a lull here.
So I guess we kind of miss one another! That's good.
I laughed when I read your posts.

Having my morning joe, will dock in later.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

D is the first letter of the nurses name -usually I use dd or DD -(dear daughter) to refer to my daughter - like sil, dh etc

No, no cm. Sorry miscommunication. D runs a senior caregiving service and has done things for mother off and on over the years. She is a nurse.

It is my sis who has found out where mother is, my daughter is not involved at all. Her daughter (my niece) is involved as go-between because I have cut contact with sis due to abuse. Hope that clarifies.

And if she's a nurse hadn't she better brush up on professional standards?

Emjo, sorry what - your daughter charges an hourly fee for going to visit her grandmother? Really??

Boy, am I owed some back pay...

should say close to 300 miles one way - about 550 round trip.

Thanks loo. It is better today and no pain meds last night. Yes, lots of nerves, and my sinuses are often inflamed due to allergies, which doesn't help.

Running at some point is a perfectly decent way to handle things. Last time I stayed with mother, I found endless reasons to "have" to run down to the mall, and then spent hours walking around burning off stream.

As long as some progress is made. There are "critical points" like getting the POA established, preventing them from driving, getting the right professionals involved, getting them into the right facility - that move things forward. Is there resistance - of course, and lots of flack, arguing etc., but if you can get things moved past one of those "critical points" you are making progress, even though there is a lot of tension and confusion. Keep your eye on the ball, and let the flack fall where it may. As much as possible, don't engage in the flack. Think of a balloon that you blow up and let go without tying off the end. It flies all over the place, emitting noises and causes a short spectacle, but eventually runs out of air.

We have some things in common. I live close to 300 miles away and cannot handle my mother except in very small doses either.

Hi Emjo, hope your headache's completely gone. I had dental work done, and didn't have tooth pain, but did have a lingering headache for a while. Lots of nerves in our head/face/mouth...
Your driving and car situation sounds like it worked out well! Good advice too, thank you, about having answers ready. I'm still pretty new at putting my foot down. I was doing fine but it required a lot of focus and patience. When she wouldn't stop and actually started getting more insistent and pushy, I literally ran out the door!
I do anticipate an Armegeddon of sorts on Tuesday. I think CM said something about "one step forward, three back" and this May end up being another one of those instances, sigh. I am keeping my fingers crossed that her home care us in place when I leave. I live way too far away to drive her around (300 miles round trip), and I can't handle her except in very small doses.

cm - forgot you in my post above. - horrors!!! Hope something can be worked out with bro. Very frustrating.

Well, it doesn't stay quiet for long does it? The bone graft is doing well, but a few days ago I started getting ferocious headaches - like someone driving a sharp nail or nails into my head. The dental work was nothing compared to that. I figured it might be rebound headaches due to taking Tylenol or ibuprofen, though I had never taken the max dose on any day, and when I had a dry socket I took max dose without any rebound. Usually the only headaches I get are due to my sinuses. Or, it could be because I forgot my F/M meds for the last few days. I am quite sensitive to reducing even the small dose I am on, though it never gave me headaches before, but its possible. My sinuses were raw on top of that. So I took my F/M meds this morning as usual and my head was better today, so hoping that was it. I had a bit of a headache this afternoon, but more like dull nails being pushed in as opposed to sharp nails being hammered in, and it is gone now with no pain meds. I also got a steroid nasal spray, and hope that will relieve my sinuses. I haven't used it in years.

As well, my sister found out that mother is in hospital and not in her ALF any longer so I got demands for information messaged at me by my niece. The sw fielded those nicely. I am grateful. She told sis things were fine without telling her much. Mother still does not want visits or phone calls, or info passed on, but she will receive letters. Meanwhile, D, who has done some shopping and errands for mother over the past years, has already visited mother and was in contact with sis. D is not fully informed and is getting involved and passing on misinformation. I believe she is trying to get some more business out of mother. She charges for everything including the gas to get to mother and back, as well as an hourly charge. The sw spoke to her, told her not to contact my sis, as she (sw) was in contact with my sis, and to contact me and herself about anything mother wanted done with an estimate of what it would cost mother. O-kay! Next thing, more messages from my niece that D wants to get clothing for mother and how do we arrange that. No contact with me, no contact with the sw. Hmmmm! I told my niece that mother had lots of her clothes, enough till she moved, and the rest was un--washable silks and wools and was in storage and not accessible . I also told her that D had been instructed to contact me and the sw. I emailed D Wednesday and no response yet. My niece said that D had given her the impression that mother had nothing with her but a jigsaw puzzle!!! Hmmmm! If she had checked mother's closet when she visited she would have seen what mother had. All she is doing is stirring up trouble in the process of trying to get herself some business. She is a nurse and understands mother's condition quite well. I see this as her trying to take advantage of mother and I am NOT impressed!!!! If this continues, I will have the sw ban D from seeing mother. In fact, I am about ready to do that right now, but the sw wants to give her more time. I don't need more time.

Meanwhile, as observed by the sw and the church friend that visits mother, she is more delusional. I have asked the sw if she can, while still respecting mother's need for privacy, help my sis to understand mother's condition better. My sis, last winter, said the mother has a few emotional problems. Apparently, despite her training, she does not accept the BPD diagnosis, nor did she perceive the paranoia. Mother is telling people that she is in a locked place with mentally ill people and she doesn't belong. If she tells sis this, sis may try to rescue her. Thankfully 3 psychiatrists have been involved in having her committed, so there is good back up.

Mother's new Visa arrived in the mail and I need to find out if she can use it still. She can't use her access card as she forgets the PIN number. She has sent me her cheques. I wonder if they will have resident accounts (like in the hospital) where she is going. It would be best. I doubt mother will be going out shopping on her own any more, and maybe not at all. She is physically fit enough but mentally deteriorating, and quite possibly would not be appropriate in public.

Like other dementias, it progresses and I know some on here have noticed a decline in their parent in a fairly short period of time. G suspects, after mother is moved, that she will not settle in well, and will spend more and more time in hospital. I think he may be right.

Still no estimate from the contractor. I am about ready to throw a stick of dynamite at someone. I need to get on the phone or better still get G on the phone to get things moving. He is pretty forceful over things like that. Horse case again Tuesday. I hope that is it. Who can plan a wedding in the midst of all this. I would rather wait and hope things settle a bit for both of us. I don't want to be rushed or stressed by outside things., or in the middle of dental work!

So that is it for here for now. Nice rain today -the garden appreciates it and so do I. Have a good one everyone and do something good for you.

hi all - Sharyn - more cancer. - so sorry. Can't believe those babies are coming so soon. Awesome!!! Hope you get more work at your old store.

Christine - more crises, Oh dear. Did you have a good night out? I am afraid that the crises will keep coming and may get worse. :(. as the disease progresses. Glad Charles is gong for guardianship etc.

glad - sorry to here about your step dad. That adds to the worry and work you already have.

judda - you certainly have experienced a big change in your relationship with your mum. Mine was never a friend, never really interested in much about me, and always wanted things centered on her, so I cannot identify, but can see that you are grieving what was and I know that that is painful. I think as our parents decline, it is inevitable that they will have less and less to give us, in terms of a satisfying relationship. It becomes more and more one sided, and needs us to adjust to being the helper and not to expect much benefit from them.
I looked up chemtrails at discovery.ca and they present it as a myth. An expert said that "We measure the suite of pollutants in the atmosphere down to the trillionth of a millimeter. If an aircraft were intentionally polluting, we would notice it."

loo - sounds like you did well with the driver's license. Fortunately mother gave hers up when she moved here 16+ yrs ago, as she found driving in a different city too difficult. When my father was developing vascular dementia, he needed to stop driving. Finally the car needed some repairs and I think it was beyond him to arrange that. I told mother to let it sit in the driveway, as he loved that car, and it was good it was not drivable - leave it that way. I told her to get her own car and keep the keys from him. It worked. Re Tuesday, I tell myself those situations, "So she will be angry - what's new?" You know how she is going to respond to care arrangements. Plan your responses before you go. It is alright to say "NO". A good one is, "I couldn't possibly do that." or, " I could do that, but I don't want to." Or "No. I have thought about it and I don't think it is a good idea", and so on. Be prepared for arguments and anger. You don't have to justify why you will or will not do anything. Mother wanted to be moved to another ALF. Finally, I told her she could move anytime she liked, so she asked me when. I said I didn't know as I was not going to move her. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea, but I did not get drawn into arguments. I told her she would not get as good service/care as she was getting where she was. That was it. Did she like it? No, not at all, but it was in her best interests.

Marg and Austin wondering how your bros are.

alison - I read somewhere you have critters!!!! Aaaargh. Raid to the rescue. Well done doing more of your dad's care. Not easy.

book - u r becoming a cook!

(((((hugs))))) everyone. We all have our challenges. I will update on my saga in a separate post

I read tonight that chem trails are causing record numbers of Alz cases as well as many other diseases. No one knows who the heck is flying those planes spraying chemicals in the air all over the world and why they want to kill us with diseases and polute the earth. But Alz is one result. Wow. You can google chem trails and learn. Pretty depressing.

Boy, Looloo you have tough situation. Does she blame and attack you for her lack of abilities during this time? Is that what makes it hard?

My mom bought a brand new car in Florida on her own. She kept telling me it would be mine when she dies. Two weeks later she totaled it and she realized that she didn't even have insurance! At least no one was seriously hurt and Mom volunteered never to drive again.

When she was in her 80's she insisted on driving my sister and I somewhere instead of letting me drive for her. She drove the wrong way, and ended up on a median! We were terrified. Thank God for her subsequent accident and came to the conclusion herself not to drive.

My Dad finally stopped driving at 92. His step daughter convinced him to sell his house and move into an independent living place, which was great!

Go to shoeloverscare to vote for DSW Shoes to donate $75,000.00 to the Alzheimer's Association. Voting end tonight.

Sharynmarie, I let my mother's doc know I was concerned about her driving, and he followed through with the DMV, which I was very appreciative of. My mother is so difficult. I feel badly for her but do not want her driving. I came home so fried and exhausted. She kept saying "maybe I'll get an attorney...do you think I should find an attorney? What do you suggest? Any suggestions? You'll help me with a letter."
more to come on Tuesday. I anticipate real fireworks if/when she realizes that they'll be looking out for her safety and welfare at home, not just providing transportation. I think I'll commit to myself to make no more visits until her birthday in August after this last round of developments.

Today was pleasant: took Mom food shopping. Everything goes fine if I just let her talk on and on. I started to share some of my week with her when she asked, but she cuts me off. I can't tell if she can't hear, can't process, or is just so self-centered that she isn't interested in anything but her own monologue with an audience: any audience. I never feel anymore that she is happy to share something with me. She is also reluctant to because she's been so mean and nasty and bossy to me over the last 4 years that I have given up being totally present for her when she is talking to me.

I try to make my voice sound convincing: "yeah, that's nice. No, I am listening.." I see that it is a struggle for both of us. If I try to be real I get hurt, manipulated or used up. If I am with her and try to be neutral she gets like a drama queen, makes sarcastic comments, puts me down while I am there to others, and so on. I don't enjoy being with her anymore at all. I still love her and know she may not live like she is now much longer, but it is heart breaking no matter what I do.

I try to enjoy myself while we are driving, or shopping: tune her out, enjoy the weather, and so on. This is not a satisfying relationship and it is sad: because for about 2 decades she was my best friend. It kills me inside to not have that anymore, not expect it anymore, and to struggle how to be with her.

Anyone else have this?

Cam, I hope that when your hubby goes to the lawyer, that his parents are willing to sign whatever documents are required. It would make caregiving soooo much easier. The only reason you would go to the lawyer is if they need your signature. But if it's not needed, I would be like you - stay home or do some me-thing day off.

Sharyn, office politics are terrible. I still see it as a way of edging out the older employees, and hiring younger new ones who would be working at Minimum Wage. Bottom line for most companies: profits and loss. We see it a lot here - in hotels, restaurants, etc... I think you made the right decision to just not get involved and take whatever extra hours being offered.

Glad.. {{HUGS}}

Glad-sorry you had a rough week...I hope you have some relaxing times at least this weekend....caregiving can suck...hang in there!

Looloo-when my got got notice of her license being revoked, she was angry...actually shedding tears which is unusal for my mom. She want to fight it but I knew she would not do it on her own. My sis and I are responsible for reporting her and I dont regret it. My mom did spiral downward with the dementiaafter losing her license so be aware of decline over the next month.

Hi everyone, maybe most of you are enjoying some peace and quiet? I just got back from my 3 hr. Drive to my mother's. I broke the news to her that her driver's license was revoked (I told her I had not such great news, but it wasn't the end of the world), and gave her a copy of the notice. She was upset of course, but since she's in complete denial about her dementia, she thought it was "outrageous." I stayed calm and remained the impartial messenger, but left after an hour. She goes round and round anyway with her comments and questions, and this was no exception. After the first 30 minutes, I realized that she was trying to pull me into "fixing" it for her. I practically bolted out the door. Have to come back on Tuesday though to deal w/the home care assessment, which she will flip out over.

I'm ok, just kind of kidding, but it was a ROUGH week!

Glad~It tends to slow down on this site over the weekends. I hope you are ok...I am thinking about you!!

SM, I am here, also wondering where the heck everybody is, just when I am at my height of dysfunction, almost like going through withdrawal.

Hey!! Where is everyone?...I know it's Saturday. Kinda of humid and overcast here today.

Picking up some extra hours at my old store tomorrow 12-3, then heading to Tracy to work 4-9. On the 29th I work again at my old store. One of the ladies I work with at Tracy was bent out of shape on Thursday saying she was calling the union and complaining because my old store had called the Tracy store 3 times this week asking for help next week...the tracy store cut her hours and only let her have one day at my old store. Her complaint is that there are people working at my old store who have less seniority than she does who are getting more hours than she is and because they called asking for help....she is entitled to make a complaint and the union has to issue her a check. Well, she was encouraging me to do the same...my hours were cut too, most likely because they hired a new cake decorator. Anyway, I chose to stay out of that drama and my old bakery manager called me asking if I could work tomorrow 12-3. So what the heck, I have to work anyway so why not get 8 hours out of it.

Thanks Margeaux,
Yes, was thinking about that. Also thinking about football helmet and body padding! Thanks for the smile...
Christine