notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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WOW! Your in laws are certainly the restless type!
You may have to pad the inside of your house at the rate they're going.
Yikes! I hope you don't mind the humor, just trying to make you laugh.
I'm so happy for you that you will be getting together w/your friends for dinner,
for a much needed night out! You deserve it, have fun!
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Another trip to the ER last night. FIL fell, again, third time in two weeks, and did the same thing MIL did last time she fell, peeled a whole chunk of skin off the top of his hand. My house looks like the set from a slasher movie, he was bleeding everywhere. I panicked, and got them into the car and halfway to the ER when I remembered that I had put a pie in the oven before this happened. So we had to turn around and go back, because I figured the way things are going I would burn the house down. Back to the ER, and MIL started getting belligerent as it was taking 'too long' and she was tired. It is always all about her, and she gets cranky when anyone else gets attention much. Charles met us at the ER, and took over his dad, and I took MIL home. They got home at 1 am. I get up for work at 5:30 am. Not much sleep last night, I feel like Zombie Caretaker. At least neither of them broke anything.
Today Charles is supposed to take them to an elder law attorney, to see what can be done about a POA or guardianship. He wanted me to go, but I got all the paperwork filled out and got their papers together for the attorney, and I think that is all I can handle today.
I am determined to disconnect from all this stuff this weekend. I am going to a meetup on Saturday night, 4 women and dinner at a restaurant. I am shy and not that social, but i do know one of the women so will manage. Anything not connected with the inlaws or work is what I need right now. Wah.
Thanks for listening,
Christine Amaryllis
Cm~Thank you as well. My daughter has already made arrangements so she can take a day or 2 off work to help her hubby through it when the inevitable happens. His parents are in North Dakota and his mother will be coming out here as well, she is having a bit of a hard time with it....losing parents is not easy.
My daughter has approximately 10 weeks till delivery of those 2 beautiful baby boys. Coming up too fast, I am not ready, LOL!! She informed me that hubby and I must get vaccinated for Whopping Cough next month so it is effective when we get to Idaho, LOL!! No problem here, we will do it!!! She also said we need to make sure we get a flu shot...Hahaha!! I told her the flu shot will probably not be available until Sept. She said as long as we had the flu shot last year, we will be ok. I am getting a big kick out her motherly instincts kicking in as she always struck me as the type who would just grab up a baby and throw it over her shoulder and keep on going, LOL!!
ming out week after next to say good bye. His grandfather was diagnosed last Sept and it had already spread to the lymph nodes. My daughter will keep me updated.
CM- that is very frustrating when 2 signatures are needed. How do you deal with someone who is unresponsive to emails or phone calls? Other than your brother signing the checks and returning them to your sister...I hope something can be worked out. We agree to do these things for our parents and think it will not come to the point where we actually have to do it. Think hard about it before you agree to it...especially when when 2 signitures are required.
I'm really sorry to hear about this news concerning you son in law's grandfather.
As you know, my dad had this. He was about 81 when diagnosed. They immediately did surgery on him, the colorectal. After that it was rounds of chemo, then localized radiation. As a result of what I witnessed dad go through, I just hope for this man's sake, given his age, he and the entire family consider how much of the aggressive treatment he's willing to endure. Besides, I've been reading lately about aggressive treatment for colon cancer in the elderly. Some researcher's are of the opinion that by the very fact they get lots of toxins via the chemo and radiation, according to statistics it just makes better sense to leave it be. In other words....not so much invasive treatment for an elderly patient.
Well, your son in law is having some new babies soon, so hopefully in the midst of all this it will give him hope, dreams in the midst of some difficult challenges!
You and your's are in my thoughts!
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
My sister is like this relative to our youngest brother who is the 2nd in line as far as POA is concerned. She doesn't need my brother's participation as far as I know when it comes to signatures. Thank the cosmos for that, because he has helped out when there needs to be repairs done on mother's rental properties. He does drag his feet about this, though. But once he starts the job, does get it done.
I realize in his case, he does have great responsibilities at work, and he lives probably 75 miles from mom and my sister.
In any case, we can see how important it is for POA's to stay on top of their responsibility's. Well, we can be thankful that at least there is some sort of POA in place. It's very difficult when there is nothing to this end, as we know all too well.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I know there is something going on with him, I just don't know what it is. We're ten years apart: there's been no huge falling-out, but we're not close. From my point of view he is just being a pain in the behind! - but of course there will be more to it than that. It's a shame he won't share it so that I have something to tell mother about what he's up to, is all.
I was hoping the solicitor would have some bright ideas about how to make everything work more smoothly; but as I suspected the choices are extremely limited. If the Enduring POA gets wound up, we'll be in a proper pickle and have to start new applications for guardianship - which takes forever, costs a mint and is a pain to operate. This whole thing is such a lesson in life: Think Things Through before you sign them!!!
This must be a difficult position for your sister to be in concerning your brother.
If your saying that she either rips into people, or holds grudges.......this style does not appear to be the best manner of trying to communicate with someone either.
I do realize there has to be plenty of frustration on her part. Is there some way you can get the solicitor to be the intermediary?
Your brother sounds very emotionally disconnected, too and then given his own health and his wife's I'm sure he has his hands full. This still however should not be an excuse as to why he doesn't communicate.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Brenda, I work full time and was still able to caregive 2 bedridden parents – just the 3 of us in this house. I “paid” oldest sis to come Monday-Fridays to babysit (she doesn’t do pampers, or clean the house), on Saturdays (I also work in the mornings) 2 of my siblings paid for the caregiver. Money was and still is tight. When mom was first diagnosed with dementia, my dad retired to be a fulltime caregiver. But he had worked for the federal govt and his retirement money was sufficient to live on. Still, he made phone calls. He was able to get a 4-hr a week caregiver’s respite services. What he did was fought for it to be a one-hour increment a day – for them to shower mom. This way, mom showered 4 x a week. He also got for mom the Meals on Wheels. Then he fought for them to include him since he was mom’s FT caregiver. He also found another program that sold supplies at a discount. So, a big box (100 ct?) of liners in the store was $85.00, he got it at a discount of $60.00.
But I think first thing to do is figure out if your mom can live by herself. Maybe try those retirement communities. Or even Assisted Living…if your mom has money.
Glad – sorry about your mom’s bf. I hope it’s not as bad as you think. How will your mom handle this? I think my dad is terrified to find out if he has prostate cancer or not. He just absolutely refuses to see the urologist on his prostate.
Sharyn, I’m not sure if you downloaded some music in your kindle. But, today, while I was playing dad’s Used-To-Be-Favorite-Song and singer, my kindle wouldn’t let me play it without going on the wi-fi. When I did, I Think it updated the music. Because some of the newer songs have captions now. Neat! I find myself singing along very off-tune.
The worst thing about this is he should have been called for an appointment with this doc 6 months ago. But they changed their computer system and lost the callbacks. Instead he got a certified letter in February telling him he had not made the appointment! Geez, what next?!
Isn't there some way for you to take that vacation by getting mom into respite, or bringing in an agency caregiver? Would she need someone 24 hours? It does not sound like she has dementia so at least it would be easier on her.
Welcome to the thread. It's too bad when there's an elder who needs a high level of care as your mom does given her health conditions. I think that as well intentioned the decision may be for one of the siblings to move in and take care of mother initially.....usually changes over a period of time.
I feel that for many reasons a live-in caregiver can never see whether even a sibling who offers to come and be with a parent during absences will always be available to do this. This is why I think people who move in with a parent should really weigh some of these factors.
Well, I hope you first of all take care of your own health.
You sound to me as if you've made a decision already, and that obviously, you cannot take care of your mother, anymore. I do understand also, it isn't an easy job, by no means. Is placing your mom in a facility possibly an option for you?
I say this, because it really sounds as if you've reached your limit. Your situation has truly taken a change with the news that your sister will no longer do this.
Take care of yourself, first and foremost of all,
It's better to be honest about this, looking at the bigger picture.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
All I have to offer is that you must now think of yourself as a only child and seek out other resources for help, respite care, adult day care (if affordable). Big {{{{Hugs}}}}!!
I did talk with her eldest because she is overly responsible as opposed to her sister, who is completely irresponsible. With her eldest, it is the hyper vigilance of being dysfunctional and of course, the opposite with her sister but the same reason.
I can see that her eldest does care and she does have a sense of responsibility toward her mother even though she comes across as completely cold and uncaring, self centered. She got the impression that her mother was needing 24/7 care right now from here on out. I reassured her that is not the case, and what I am thinking (this is just what I think not what my sister would probably want), my sister could sell her house here, have an estate sale and use this money to purchase a smaller home in Kentucky (cost of living is much lower) and refurnish it. The problem is that my sister has grandiose desires, grandiose attitude about who she is as a person....she has to have solid oak furnishings, solid wood doors, windowsills, and real hard wood flooring. Yes, real hardwood flooring is much more durable than laminate, reasonable people will buy what they can afford. My sister will do without completely if she can't get what she wants.
Anyway, I told my niece that we need to keep communication open between us and work together. I was only thinking that her mother could move there in about 4 years when she reaches 65. Sis needs to down size her possessions and her living situation so it is something that she can actually afford to take care of.
Sis's youngest daughter calls her but again, no answer and we get tired of calling her and she doesn't answer. I don't even bother calling my sister anymore. I send an email to her at her work computer. Her daughters gave her a laptop and paid for internet service for 1 year...sis would not use the computer when she was at home...said she doesn't have time, yet she complains she has no contact with her grandkids,etc. She just is not willing to get in their world by being on facebook so she can have contact with them.
Anyway, I am going up north to sis's house tomorrow and I hope I can plant seeds in her mind as well. She has some groceries to get and wants me to take her out, she wants to get outside for a little while. BTW, sis told me this morning she did not want to talk to her eldest daughter...I asked "Why?" She said, "She is hounding to make sure I am taking my pills!"...LOL!!! I said, "She is worried about you." Some progress made.
Hugs to you Margeaux!!
You've made a good judgment call here......for all the reasons stated.
You are so right, that she's being cared for during her stay in the hospital.
I remember when my brother back in Jan., had his gallbladder act up.
No other option besides surgery. My sister became swooped up into being his advocate at the hospital. When she called me, she boohooed, she reiterated to me how my brother didn't have his wife around any longer, blah di blah. Anyway, must admit, it pulled me to be there. I drove 70 miles to the hospital. Then, when he came out of the surgical procedure, we thought we'd be able to see him. No, since there was an infection that had set in, they sedated the heck out of him,, so he was knocked out. Truth be told I never did get to see him, on account of this.
But I thought about all of this later. What I came up with was, well look at that!
Here his own grown sons, who live with him didn't seem to become as involved during his hospital stay. By my sister becoming so involved, I figured, "how lovely, this really takes the pressure off his sons." Hopefully there won't be any more of these episodes, but I can say that in the future, I'm really, really going to consider whether I need to go to the hospital. Later, when things calmed down, I remember my sister saying that my brother had mentioned that he wasn't sharing certain things w/his kids about his health, especially that week, when he was in serious pain from the gallbladder. He waited until the pain got so bad, then finally told them, which resulted him being taken to the hospital. He also said something like, "there were just some things he didn't want to bother his kids with," (meaning his sate of health. I told my sister, "Well,
too bad, I don't think they are in some special category where they should be protected from this kind of news, and participation." Of course, saying this to my sister was met w/resistance. But after she'd made more than 5 trips during her work week after work, she finally got tired of this, and I know she finally got what I was saying.
I'm wondering, I know her daughters are in KY, but do they call her?
Well, good idea you're planting a seed with them. It is THEIR mother , after all.
Stay strong,
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Good for you! I think it's better in some cases just to tell the parties who are supposed to be caring form someone something, where it appears the patient is being ignored, or not tended to. What on earth are your SIL, and her son thinking leaving your brother alone, when he cannot see. I sure as h*ll say something too!
I'm glad that you're good with this decision.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux