The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Butting in, here, please forgive. Not sure what to make of this, or how/whether to do anything about it.

Letter from sister this morning, enclosing cheque drawn on one of mother's more obscure bank accounts, starts as follows: "I hope this cheque works, I have new cheque books from [Bank 1 and Bank 2] and they both require the signature of M. and me which is a little awkward particularly as I find it hard to get him to even email/phone me back, communication is not his strong point!" (sic)

So, sister is having as much difficulty as I am getting brother to get his finger out and do the minimum required of him, seeing as he consented freely to the FPOA ten years ago. Now sister is not given to complaining about other people. She either rips their heads off or keeps grudges to herself, one or the other. So what is this? A cry for help?

What I have done is send a hopeful but forlorn email to mother's solicitor, a distant family member, asking if anything can be done to vary the POA so that sister doesn't have to faff about getting brother to co-operate. I pretty much know the answer: no. It's a joint POA, they have to act together, and they both have to sign. Moreover, I think it's true that if one of them resigns, the whole thing is invalid. I'm hoping solicitor can suggest something but I have no idea what.

Tee-hee-hee…! Sorry, just getting my bitchy laugh out of the way there. So much for wonderful darling brother who is the most wonderful and brilliant person in the Whole Wide World, not like me who can't be trusted with sixpence apparently. Cackle! But I digress...

And actually it's not funny. It's a pain for sister, who to be fair is only trying to do her best. It also proves that brother's silence with me is nothing personal - it's not me he can't stand. Or it may be me, too, but it's not JUST me. And what the heck is the matter with him? - is the big question.

Brother is 60. He is a scientist by training and background, a chemist. He is self-employed and works hard, occasional international travel. He has Crohn's Disease, and a partial hip replacement from childhood Perthes Disease. His two beautiful boys are grown and gone, one married, one engaged, both to lovely girls, both progressing well in their careers. His wife, recently retired dietitian, has bi-polar disorder and had a very rough time of it last year.

He is not unkind. He is not stupid. He is not lazy. He is not uncaring.

So what, before my head explodes, is going on that makes him this averse to having anything to do with his adoring mother, who has never said a critical word to him in 60 years? And how do we communicate with someone who won't return calls or emails?

I admit I cant sleep on the hard ground anymore but I do still enjoy tent camping using an airmattress on a cot. I love to trout fish too.

Hope everyone has a good day our weather has cooled down with some strong delta breezes.

LOVE the outdoors, communing with nature. And then, going back inside, to my bed, shower, etc.! I camped as a kid and loved it, but now I like comfort too much.

Sharyn, I love the outdoors! Particularly when I reminisce about it beside a roaring fire in a traditional ale-serving inn with a hot bath and cosy bed waiting for me upstairs… :)

I am feeling better and stronger for not running to my sister's side. Of course if it was a life and death situation, I would have, but I had to compartmentalize it so I could think logically.

I did talk a little through texting with my eldest niece. Her biggest issue is, it is happening to fast..no time to digest it, organize it. I reassured her it would not be immediate, more like in the next few years once sis is 65 years old and of course, it all is whether my sis decides to do it. I am going to stress with my sis that We are still planning to move to Idaho after our mom passes away and hubby has retired. How could we not...our retirement will go much further there than it will here in California and the same for my sister by moving to Kentucky.I love my "things" too, but I will sell them in a heartbeat...the difference between me and my sister is that her identity is tied in with her "things"...her big house and yard, her silver collection, her '67 Camero. I say sell it all.... lock, stock and barrel... move to Kentucky and buy a smaller more manageable home and refurnish it with "reasonable" furnishings that she can afford...very little loss in my way of thinking. Get rid of the nylon hose with the seam down the back...they only mean something to someone like minded who is willing to pay what you think they are worth...be real about it, LOL!!!

i will go see sis on Wednesday, get a copy made of her house key in case of emergency, pick up some grocery if necessary and I told her I would there around 10 am. I am not spending all day there. I have to get my mom's glasses from the optometrist,, cook dinner for my hubby and have some down time for me, the introvert...I love people...but in small doses, LOL!!! No drama queen here...yes I do get overly emotional during times like this...but...I find a balance much quicker than I used to when it comes to family issues.Thank you everyone for the Hugs, I appreciate it!!

Brenda~Austin gave you good advice. Learning to detach with love takes some time and practice and you can learn more about it by googling detaching with love. I just had to do it with the situation with my sister.It was very hard for me NOT to leave work yesterday when I got her message that she was in hospital with pneumonia. All I thought about at first is...she is in a hospital up in Sacramento all by herself since Saturday, no one visiting her or calling to see how she is. But then I had to grab up my big girl panties and realize 1) she is not in ICU and 2) she will most likely go home on Monday (today) 3) she is already in a hospital so she is being taken care of and her needs are being addressed.

This morning when I told my sister that it probably won't be a good idea for our brother to pick her up, she said, "Why?" I replied, "Because he is taking that anti organ rejection drug (which works like a steroid without the side effects) for inflammation in his lungs, it lowers his immune system." Her response...."He doesn't have to come inside, he can wait outside and they can just roll out in the wheelchair!!" A true narcissistic response...all about herself!! Do some research on detaching and setting boundaries, you won't regret it.

Austin~You did what you had to do, your poor brother is in a situation where he has learned that his wife and her needs and desires come first so he supports it to keep peace. You did what was right and he probably knows that, he has no one with his wife and kids who are willing to back it up. So sad for you and your brother.

Sandwich and CM~ I am LOL!! at the two of you not liking the outdoors!! I absolutely love the wilderness in our Sierra Nevada Mountains. We slept in tents without air mattresses, had outhouses for bathrooms and we washed using warm water and a washcloth. My best memories of my father are of us camping as children. I know it is not for everyone but I will take a day in the mountains or more over a hotel or a beach side resort.

Coulditbeme~It sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders, I hope you are ok and please come back anytime!. Take care of yourself.

Oh, i wish i hadn't moved in, built a room and bathroom to stay in, gave up my mobile home, my life, and my health is seriously declining. Right now I can't see a way in or out. I am so proud of you guys that make decisions for there well being etc. Just wanted to say this thought it might make me feel better. not yet. Thanks for all your post and comments.

Book I do not regret calling my sister in law and her son my brother told me on the phone he was almost blind and home along while his wife was away babysitting the grandchild and he as so short of breathe and had heart disease and had to wait 2 weeks to have tests he needs to have done asap-this is his third time with cancer in 8 yrs. He is very sick and apparently confused also -he thought his wife was away -he has been confused a lot lately and was even out wandering not knowing where he was which I reminded his son so I had to act from what he told me-and now that 2 weeks have gone by I know that I acted like I should have and have no regrets-and the hurt has mostly gone.

Brenda you do need to learn to detach - did with my late husband -it is hard at first but when the sky does not fall when you take care of you and not let others dictate how you live your life-you get stronger and can build on the new you and you will continue to get stronger-you have to separate from them as you are planning to do and we will all help you pull up your big girl panties and get out of the black hole-been there -done that-others will not take you seriously until you can't not be pushed around-we need to believe in ourselves and give ourselves permission to be strong. And not let others tell us who we are.

Emjo, hope you are well. I like seeing your picture pop up in my email saying you replied to a post. You have a happy smile.
Christine

Sandwich, my family knows my views on camping and would never waste breath suggesting it. "If God had meant us to sleep in tents, he would NEVER have invented hotels."

Oh Sandwich I love you dearly. We once made the mistake of sending all three kids off to camp for a whole week to give us a break. They were 9,12, and 13 at the time and now in their 40s and still have not forgiven us. I should have kept the begging letter we recieved to come and get us. There were plenty of nice options and decent cabins but the most terrible thing was the fact that one of the horses died and it was left outside all day. They did not understand at the time how difficult it is to get a dead horse moved. I feel your pain

Thank you for your welcome, Sharymarie!

Austin, you loved your brother and saw how he was suffering and being neglected. You became proactive. You wanted your brother to have some real happiness before it's too late. Unfortunately, your brother.... there is a thread here that reminds me of the kind of relationship your brother has with his wife. I still remember how I felt when an aunty told me this at mom's mass of intention: that all of mom's siblings knew how our father 'treated' (did not say Abuse) us kids but did nothing.... I'm curious. Do you truly regret talking to your SIL? Or do you deep inside know that if your brother died tomorrow, you know that you did your best to help him because it was the decent humane thing to do for your sibling? That you did not stand by and watch him suffering? I think what you did was from your heart. And whatever regrets you get in the end will definitely not be as bad as standing by. I'm so sorry that you regret speaking up. {{{HUGS}}}

195Austin: I don't understand your comment. There is no father in this situation - The individuals caring for my mom is me, my sister and my sister's husband who is my brother-in-law. My mother was a widow as of 2005.

i will catch up after work tonight but i want to welcome Brenda to the thread!!

Sis get outs by 3 pm...my brother is leaving now to go get her. I told her I need a copy of her house key.

The above should have said her husband and his father

After being the primary caregiver of my Mom since last year, I've made my decision. My Mother is a wonderful lady - She is 90 and is suffering from A-fib and CHF - last year she was walking, could run and was driving. She is mobil now and very alert but cannot be left alone due to the blood-thinner she is taking. If she fell it could be a disaster. I moved in to help take care of her and that was when I found out (at 60) that my sister is a complete narcissist. I have had Mom every weekend since October. My brother-in-law who can work remotely and my sister (who doesnt work) are with Mom while I am at work. Actually my brother-in-law is with my Mom more than sis - and takes better care of her. They act like they're doing me a favor! My brother lives in Tennessee - no help. My sister's excuse for me having to do so much more than she does - that I don't pay rent !!! I am up 2 or 3 times a night every night helping my Mom get to the bathroom and then go to work in the morning and this has been going on since October - I AM TOTALLY BURNED OUT. Guess what? I'm moving out, a decision applauded by my grief therapist (lost my Husband in 2012). I have been suffering emotionally from all the head games my sister is pulling and now I have stomach problems - gee I wonder why. In fact tomorrow I'm having an endoscopy per my new GI dr. to see what the heck is causing me so many problems - is it reflux heartburn or an ulcer. Never had to see a GI doctor in my life - not even after Herman died. I finally realize that my sister does not love me because looking back at events in the past, its so obvious she doesn't care - its all appearances for her - the perfect narcissist. So I'm taking care of myself and sis and her hubby will be forced to help more. My mom took care of their kids for the last 15 years and now is barely allowed to see them. I had to drop out of school for Mom from sister's lack of care. I posted more details about this situation earlier in the year. It took me this long to realize that sis and her hubby will never change - we are not even speaking to each other. I have to change by moving and not being "so available" so I can have a normal night's sleep and some sanity. Thanks for reading. Hope this helps someone.

Thanks Austin! That is too bad you are now the bad guy. I talked a little with my sis's eldest, she is whining about how she is having to take care of her younger sister now, which is crap....her younger sister does not have a health issue, she is just irresponsible.They have not spoken in over a year even though they live just down the road from each other.I told my eldest niece that she can't take care of her younger sister, she has to make her own mistakes and learn from it.

My brother is going to get my sister when they release her late this afternoon. My poor brother is going to have to drive up to Sacramento during rush hour traffic. My sister really needs to think about things instead of just plowing ahead doing the same old things. She doesn't want to miss work all week, I told her there is no way you can work even sitting at a desk. She has on her rose colored glasses again.

No I not going to get too involved with this. I will go see her on Wednesday (my day off). I told my niece I plan on moving to Idaho after my mom passes away so I will not be able to help your mother.

Shary lots of luck getting her family to listen to reason I called my sil and her son about taking better care of her husband and their son and was told I was interfering and my brother forbids me to even call his house -I did what I had to to do with what my brother had told me abut his health and now I am the bad guy -so you may want to rethink how involved you want to get.

Sandwich, your depiction of your life with your daughter made me remember how much I used to laugh reading Erma Bombeck's books! You must have read her too? Sigh, I miss her humor.

Happy Monday! Or at least "hopefully neutral, do no harm Monday" to everyone. Pass the coffee.

I spent Saturday doing something completely unrelated to teenagers, old ladies, nursing homes, laundry, house chores, paperwork, or my job. I worked at a local German heritage festival. It rained on us so much I started watching out for Noah to sail past. One of our tents was obliterated in the wind. The big tent was doing a boogie-woogie to the point we had to evacuate everyone to go inside our heritage house. We never stopped serving beer or food though! Hard work, good fun, and good food. And a great DJ party in the basement after dark.

I was so beat on Sunday, that I just took it as an R&R day with my husband. Isn't it amazing how one can look forward to a do-nothing day with the same zest we looked at going to a big-name concert when we were 20? That's true for me at least! Darling Husband's father's day was quiet, and exactly what he wanted. He even got to sit in the garage, in the new recliner we moved out of mom's place, while drinking a beer and enjoying the post-storm breeze. Ahhh. And then...

My 13 year old came home from camping in the North Woods near Canada all weekend. I was reminded how very alike snotty 13 year olds and grannies with moderately severe cognitive impairment are. I was also reminded I’m a drooling idiot who should probably be the ward of the state due to my stupefying level of incompetence as compared to all the other parents out there. It’s amazing I can find my way to work every day.

She was immediately accusational and surly with us because "You [idiots] NEVER go camping!!!", as if this is some kind of personal failure on our part. "YOU [imperialistic ogres] *always* make me stay in a hotel when we go anywhere!" The outrage! The righteous indignation! Someone notify the authorities! Help, help, I’m being oppressed by clean towels and small packaged soaps!

She was in a royal snit all evening, snarling and growling. I’ve also gotten the rants about never going to Disney, never going to Europe, and never going to the coast. She has a worrisome habit these days of saying “we have never ___ and probably never will because you won’t let us.” I just say to her “if wishes were horses beggars would ride.” And “I’m really sorry we can’t just flit off to whatever thing sounds fun. Dad & I have some pretty heavy responsibilities these days. If I had my druthers, I’d be sipping a strong adult beverage in an Alpine hot tub, somewhere near the Tyrol, with a cute Austrian accordion player performing happy little laendler nearby. Yet, here we are. Did you empty the cat litter yet?”

Honestly, I hate camping. I'm allergic to the outdoors. I grew up in the city. I will go hiking like a billy-goat if my asthma will allow it, but I need to come back to civilization at the end of the day. You can’t plug a nebulizer into any old tree last time I looked. The grown up stuff that takes all the money, time, & energy isn’t happening in her world. Just mine. She has no comprehension whatsoever about the scarcity of free time and how many things there are to squish into that “free time”. She’ll learn. It will hit her sometime a couple days after she has her first baby. Then I’ll get some phone calls I’m sure.

Anyway, we always let her go with her outdoorsy friends, and we send her to a cabin-camp for a week each summer. It’s got no A/C, a shower that hardly trickles out water (whee!), lots of steep hills to climb in both directions to go to the lodge and back to the cabins. All the bugs. All the heat. All the humidity. All the sweat. All the sunburn. Gee, how wonderful.

Hi everyone, hope the weekend treated you well! So, Friday afternoon, when I got home from work, I received the letter from the DMV with the revokation of my mother's drivers license (sorry if I'm repeating info from previous posts). First thing this morning, I called a home health/companion aid service in my mother's area that I'd spoken to before but couldn't move forward on at the time (mother refuses all this assistance), and arranged to meet with them this coming Friday afternoon (taking another day off work, arranging for pet care, the whole shebang). The agency won't be meeting my mother at this Friday appt., since I'll be breaking the news about her license to her on Saturday, and it'll be too much too soon for her. I wish I knew that I could physically take away the car keys, but the act of doing that may alienate her to the point that I can't oversee her care. So I read a bunch of inspiring 'let it go' themed quotes from wise people throughout history, lol, and will hope that the message that she is no longer allowed to drive is received loud and clear.
I'll probably need to take another day off early next week though and go back down there to deal with the assessment meeting between her and the agency, since she'll need transportation lined up asap.
Re-her car -- I downloaded the DMV's own POA forms, and requested duplicate copies of pink slips for her car and golf cart (she can't drive any vehicle). I've looked through all the files and can't find them. Perhaps when I receive the pink slips in the next month or so, I can get the keys then without her noticing. It's my goal to donate the car, and I'll unplug the golf cart.

Book-the agitate is for fathers day. My dad is in the middle. They are wearing kilts but no bagpipes in the picture. They are part of a bagpipe band which my dad played drums.

By the way, Sharyn, I noticed your new avatar photo. Did you already explain it and I didn't see it? At first, I thought it was 3 civil war soldiers. But when I looked harder, it's 3 men in a kilt blowing into some kind of long musical instrument. I've seen how the bagpipes look in the TV shows. That sure don't look like the TV bagpipes. Is this in reference to your ancestry?

Sharyn, I learned my lesson well. I will give you my viewpoint via your Wall. Sad about your sister. Thank you so much for the loud shout out and Hug. I actually smiled and chuckled - despite this ongoing headache. If it's okay with you, I will write to you when this light from the laptop is not adding to the pounding of my head. I will take a sinus-allergy pill. Hopefully this will help since the Tylenol did not.

Alison it's always sad to see the end of a tree; but there is a case for being ruthless, especially when space is limited. It's not like you're being a tree-hater! - but removing the spruce (sniff! sniff!) would make room for something that would suit the garden better even when full grown.

I was off Wed-Fri this week. I decluttered more drawers and junk out of one closet. I still have more to go through...Christmas decorations we no longer use, OMG..too much. This next week, I may not get to continue as my days off are split.

Thank you Alison and Joan for responding regarding my sister. She went to work Friday and was fine. Came home and fell asleep on the couch which she does everyday. When she woke up, she was too weak to walk to the bedroom to go to bed...so she crawled, then she woke up again and was on the floor in the bedroom on Saturday morning. She tried to hang in there hoping she would feel better and eventually called for an ambulance.

I totally lost it at work when I got her message...I had to listen to it 3 times to understand because she was in tears. She couldn't tell me the address or the phone # so I had to google the # that was on my recent call list on my cell phone and track her down. She said she would call with address and phone # later, but I could not wait for that considering how weak she sounded. I talked with her, and she sounds very weak...but I decided that since she is not in ICU and may go home tomorrow, I would not leave work today as I may still have to call off tomorrow if they release her so I can pick her up and take her to her house. She is in a hospital in Sacramento, a 65 mile drive from here. Hospitals don't release patients by 12 noon like they used to so it could be an all day event.

My sister has been diagnosed with early stages of Intrestitial Lung Disease, CHF and she has stage 4 diabetes type 2. I am the only one here who can help her. I have made it clear to her that I cannot be her DPOA or POA (her eldest daughter has a PD and is trouble), I don't want to deal with trouble from her eldest daughter. Her daughters both live in Kentucky. I have my hands full with seeing to my mother's needs right now because sis won't visit with mom unless it is a special occasion like a birthday, mother's day, Thanksgiving or Christmas. She Is the primary...not me. I am willing to everything I can for my mother, however, I still have to work and sis lives 40 minutes away. I can't do both, work part time and try to keep my hubby on a healthy diet since his stroke last September.

I sent a text message to my brother w/the phone # to the hospital and I informed both sis's daughters. Sis has not told her daughters she has this lung disease or CHF. Sis is in denial and thinks her employer will hire her back on full time when the economy gets better, but the true is, the reason they reduced her hours to 20 a week is because of her health.

I am off Wednesday, I am thinking of figuring out how to have a conference call with both her daughters and telling them they need to step up and put pressure on their mom to move to Kentucky. I have told the youngest daughter about the CHF and told her not to let her mother know I told her...but I think the time has come for a little intervention. I need my job even though it is only part time and sis takes it for granted that because I am married, I can lose a day of pay.

Any suggestions is welcomed...I will appreciate it.

Camaryllis~I don't know what your in-laws financial situation is, but maybe assisted living or a NH (not New Hampshire) would be best. Falls are so dangerous for the elderly, broken hips (however, I have read that the fall results because the hip broke not the other way around), broken wrists, and arms. My neighbor recently fell, resulted in 4 broken fingers that required surgery to reset plus 15 stitches in her hand. I agree with Alison, get rid of the opened toed shoes...all of them. A caregiver who can come in to provide help with them during the day would be beneficial and MIL is not to go outside to smoke a cigarette unless someone can be with her...too risky.

Alison~I had to laugh at your post about the tree because my first thought is....add more herbicide to make sure it is dead before you contact the Trust to have it taken down, LOL!!

Joan~Happy to hear the swelling is going down and you are having minimal pain. I had to have some peridontal work done some years back that required 2 skin grafts from the roof of my mouth to the lower teeth. I had the same thing done in my twenties for one tooth...so I told them to do both at the same time. They thought I was nuts. It only required a local...and the only thing I regret is that I went back to work afterwards. I did have some pain that required a 1/2 of a Vicodin around 2am but other than that, I was fine. I have a high tolerance to pain too, I think it is a result of my childhood, LOL!!

A shout out to CM, Glad, Book (hugs and a big HELLO!!), Austin, Bunnyrabbit and everyone else.

Sharyn, I hope your sis is feeling better? I guess one can get pneumonia any time, even spring/summer.

Emjo, hope teeth/face is feeling better and better.

Camaryllis, don't even know *what* to say except good idea to make those slippers disappear. My grandmother and father both had/have solid slip on shoes that they can wear just to putter around... slippers, no. Do you have regular hired caregiver help now? Or was it just for a day or two? I'm so sorry FIL is at the place where so much is confusing to him, like getting into and out of bed. My grandmother never experienced that, at least that I saw. She was declared incompetent over 10 years before she died, so she didn't remember much except a little about her childhood, but she never seemed to have issues with mobility, like what you're describing, although they could have happened during a time when I only saw her for visits a few times a year, and I wasn't aware. I wonder if FIL is confused to be in a new bed and that's part of it. I do hope you get assistance soon, for both of them. Hang in there!

Everyone else, "Hello!" Hope you had nice weekend and are ready for a good week. I want to be "productive" this week. I feel like I haven't quite gotten all the way back from so much illness and being in bed so much. You get used to it, you know? Used to just not doing much... but now its time to "make hay while the sun shines" and get some things dealt with. :-) Good luck to all of you in having the kind of week you'd like to have.