The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

The dying tree: thank you for the input from several of you, I think it has to be something that sod was treated with or something to do with sod being put down around July last year, and this Spring the tree - which is a Colorado spruce/blue spruce standard evergreen type - is losing a lot of needles every single day. I am inclined to think, Sharyn, you may be right that it will recover next Spring, or in a year or two. Thing is, its overgrown for the small front yard... this might be my only chance to get assistance from Trust to spend the money to get it cut down if I tell them it died due to the sod... we shall see. Not an "important" issue but an interesting one. That tree has been here since before I was born. I came for many visits to this house as a child and watched that tree get bigger and bigger. While I would be somewhat sad to get it cut down, its too big for yard now. I pruned it way back in the last 2 years (using prune paint on all cuts), cut all the dead under branches these types of trees can get, and it was doing great. Yes, would seem something on the sod seeped down into soil and made tree sick for awhile, if not permanently. Thanks for the input.

LadyDi - any topic is appropriate - just jump in with whatever you want to

I think family reporting things to the professionals is key. They would not have know that mother expressed suicidal thoughts if I had not reported it. This is what got her into the hospital. I called the mental health nurse and mother's case manager a few times last year, reporting to them the things mother said that disturbed me. It helped them to take the appropriate action. The mental health nurse was snowed by mother, but the case manager and the community psychiatrist weren't. Of course she (psychiatrist) only became involved after mother, at 101, tried to fly east alone and without proper ID, then refused to return to her ALF. Crazy behaviour. The staff at the ALF reinforced what I said as they saw it too.

Christine, I hope that moving fil to a facility is truly under way. I would think that is it not safe for him and mil to be alone - as Marg says. Falls are a major danger for seniors and they can be seriously injured. I got off balance on the stairs last year, carrying too much, and gave myself a minor concussion. Sharyn tripped, at work I think it was, and also gave herself a concussion. Fortunately it was not serious for either of us, but it could have been and could be more serious for someone in the condition that your fil and mil are in. On the other hand I know it is hard, and they are Charles's parents and he has to take the lead. More help in the daytime would be good, so they are not alone.

Sharyn - sorry about your sis. I know her health is poor, and that is a worry for you.

Alison - you sound very organized - good for you.

re dental surgery - swelling going down. I slung a knitted winter head band around my face so it provided a little compression to my lip, and wear it sometimes. I figured that when ankles swell you use compression stockings and that this would do the same thing. It works. I can't say I have had any real pain, Today, I am feeling more tenderness in a front tooth, but nothing that one OTC painkiller doesn't fix. The lip is a bit more swollen in the mornings which is to be expected.

Feeling a little more energetic. Heaven knows I have enough to deal with here. Still have not gotten an estimate for the basement, but am starting to sort that stuff, and need to work on the papers of mother's that I brought up here. I was a little concerned about the candida flaring up as I went off the drug before the surgery becasue it causes bruising. I had a couple of nights with sweats, but, last night I was cool as a cucumber. Woo Hoo! Praise God!

Hope everyone had a good day. Many of us with memories of our fathers. Some with activities with their fathers.

My sis called me at work a bit ago. She has been in hospital since yesterday with pneumonia. I cant leave work there is no one to come in to cover me. She said she may go home tomorrow. She sounds very weak.

Camaryllis,

You're at work during the day, aren't you?
Given all of the recent cuts and falls, you and your husband may want to look into some outside help, during the day when one of you can't be there.
This is sounding quite dangerous, especially if you say you're MIL goes out to have a cigarette. It may be time to consider the what if's.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

A primary Dr may not have all the experience in dealing with everything they are presented with but it would be nice if they recognised this deficiency and refered to some one who is an expert in the field

Ladydi,

Before I knew of mom's official diagnosis with ALZ, I went to visit her.
She and her older sister were living together at that time. I'd noticed several times when I'd call her landline, and if no one answered......the answering machine was not turned on. So on this visit, I though I'd check into this, realizing how important a working answering machine is for two elderly women still living independently. I tried to see how it worked. Then, I asked mother how it works. The first thing I noticed was some confusion on her part.
Mom having been a scatter brain all her life however, I didn't give it that much importance at that time. Then, I took her through an instructional of sorts trying to show her how to retrieve old messages from the machine. She was having a very hard time. I'm afraid I may have over done the instructional, poor thing. I say this in hindsight. We as their children become so used to their previous behaviors from the past, that when they either are losing their abilities to make those necessary connections whether it's to follow instructions, forget words, etc.. As caregivers we really need to watch, observe.
I know in my mom's case, since I didn't know she already had been diagnosed, she tried hard to keep up a front with me that day.....that everything was o.k. Her sister who was very difficult was calling all the shots there with mother.
She knew mom had been diagnosed a year prior w/ALZ to which the doc had already prescribed her some anti-depressants. They were both keeping this info. from mom's children. I couldn't believe that part, and in this instance I blame our aunt.

If you're noticing that she's becoming word deficient, it's important for you to speak up. I understand, that you want to still consider the respect, the dignity, but she may be even having trouble describing what she's feeling if she's at a loss for words, even to you. I agree with other posters too, that a geriatric dr. is probably a better choice. Sometimes I think with doctors, (I'm not making excuses for them either),
but many aren't specialized enough. But the first step definitely is to tell the doctor what's happening, in order for her/him to make an initial diag.,
I understand your mom's pride, and fears but any doctor is going to need some clues or symptoms, or they won't be able to assist.

I encourage you to observe, and become her voice!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

It's nice to know that coconut oil is good for more than the memory...didn't know about swishing it in mouth....it is also good for the face and skin....even conditioner for hair---maybe I can make coconut popscicles...(just kidding) marymember

Thanks, Susan. I'll follow up directly w/the DMV this week. My mother also has Auto Club (AAA) insurance, and there's an office just down the street from me, and they'll also probably be able to help.

Dear Dad:

Last year on this day, I was too numb from your passing to really "feel" this day.

This year, I'm not. I wish to God I was.

Happy Father's Day.

Looloo - if by pink slip you mean vehicle title, getting a duplicate shouldn't be difficult, especially if you have a POA for your mom showing you have responsibility for her financial matters. I don't know about where you live, but here in Michigan, I did have to have Mom sign a form with the Secretary of State (our form of the DMV) saying I had her permisison to sign documents for her with them, even though I had a POA. I was able to go in, transfer registration from one vehicle to another, get her handicap plates..the whole deal. She hasn't driven since I moved in over a year ago, and I don't think she wants to anymore - she's never once asked to drive. (Which is good, because she is no longer able to react quickly enough to drive safely.)

Oh good grief. I was reveling in some quiet time this morning, and hear a thump and yelling. FIL fell out of the bed and couldn't get up. I don't think he can remember how to get up, not really a question of strength? He doesn't remember how to get into the bed either some days. I tried to get him to a sitting position,but he kept sliding on his butt and not getting a grip. I eventually hauled him up, got him fed and now he is sitting watching the tv with his eyes closed. Haha.

Another day,
Christine

Well, this past Friday I finally received the notice from the DMV for my mother. Her license is now revoked. They even specified 'dementia' on the notice. I am relieved that this part is done, but now will have to deal with her. This coming weekend I will make the trek out (3hr drive) and will do the best I can with handling her. And during the week, I will hopefully line up an appt w/a local companion aid agency.
My husband asked if I had the pink slip for her car because I want to donate it as soon as I can. I completely overlooked this detail! No, I don 't have it, and don't remember seeing it in her files either. So I need to see about getting a duplicate, and hoping that's not a big headache.

LadyDi, my MIL also refuses to admit that there is anything wrong with her mind. I went with her to the dr. and gave him my diary of things that had occurred since she arrived, he read every word, for which I was grateful. I find that keeping a diary gives me reference points, as my brain is fried right now and I can't remember details well. I have kept one for FIL as well, and it seemed to help for his dr. too. They are both in denial of getting older and losing ground, it is a pride thing too, and while I want to be sensitive the medical professionals need to know, and since the old ones can't always tell them it falls to us, the caregivers.
You are not crazy, just between a rock and a hard place right now. Good luck.
Hugs
Christine

Whine ahead...
Last night when MIL was coming inside from smoking her stupid cigarettes, she was carrying the stupid dog and not holding the handrail, and tripped in her stupid open toed slippers, and peeled a couple of layers of skin off her hand. She was bleeding buckets, FIL was out there screaming for help, oh, major drama. She has no meat on her bones, so the veins are sticking out, I thought it was just a scrape but was worried so Charles carted her off to the ER. I stayed with FIL and tried to console him, he was hysterical. They were gone for a couple of hours, nothing was broken and basically all she got was a big bandaid, but OMG. This is the third time she has fallen on those stairs. I have told her not to wear slippers outside, but she doesn't listen very well. So today the slippers will magically disappear, and she will have to wear shoes. And I will get her some closed freaking slippers. My decree is no flimsy footwear in Crazy Town! Both of them arrived with only slippers. No shoes. I had the cousin bring shoes, but she only brought one pair for MIL, and at least FIL wears closed toe slippers.

The ER gave us papers about fall prevention. So did the visiting nurse. I had thought that the reason for the elderly falling so much was loss of balance or standing up too fast. Little did I know it is also from poor reasoning, and poor choices. Something new to fret about.

Thanks for listening,
Christine

Sharyn is correct the only was to confirm Alzheimer's is on autopsy after death. In my mom's case she did not have an MRI until three years ago, right after I started caring for her. She has had issues with memory for 20 years at least. Now the damage is significant and can be read on an MRI. Why did doc wait so long to order the MRI? He may have, I recently learned when mom was first diagnosed, she became outraged, so probably never asked questions, if MRI were ordered ahe would not have made the appointment. I think this is a fairly typical reaction and actually part of the disease.

Thank you, everyone. We will be more diligent in keeping the journal about behavior, mood, activities. And we will take this with us on the next DR visit. We know this situation is not life threatening, but simply unsettling for us. I can only imagine what it must be like for her. She has always needed to be in control of everything and everyone, the aging process must be very frightening for her. I am 65 years old and I have body parts misbehaving on my own body, and I too am starting to feel frustrated and sometimes a little sad I can no longer do things like I use to. So I have a lot of respect for this old woman and her struggle with aging. Thanks again.

LadyDi and Locascio~Not remembering words is a normal part of aging especially if they remember the word within an hour or so. We all do that to some extent. There is Mild Cognitive Impairment: Mild cognitive impairment is a "clinical" diagnosis representing a doctor's best professional judgment about the reason for a person's symptoms. There are currently no tests or procedures to demonstrate conclusively that a person has MCI. It's also not yet possible to determine the underlying cause of MCI in a specific person.
My mother started out with this, however, by the end of the first year, she progressed into confusion. I am not suggesting that all people who display signs of MCI develop dementia, but many do. When the confusion set in, we knew she had dementia...confusing entrances into a business she has been to over and over again for many years, confusing info given to her regarding up coming procedures. I suggest you both read up on MCI and discuss it with her/his doctor. If you don't find her/his doctor receptive, look for a geriatric specialist. Most PCP are not as experienced with dementia or dementia like situations and because they are concerned about violating a patients rights, they tend to say things that you have to learn to read between the lines. That was my experience with my mother's dr...he had experience with dementia as he was the physician at a NH home until his practice became too demanding. Document what is going with your parent, the changes in their mood, the time of day it happens, any changes in personality....obsessing, not able to handle daily mail, phone calls, hygiene habits, paying bills or trying to cancel insurance policies, wanting to purchase anything that they normally were not concerned about.

A memory test from a qualified dr. can help to document progress...I personally don't find MRI's of the brain that supporting as Alzheimer's damage will only show up in the very latter stages when it is already obvious there is a serious problem. A good neurologist can diagnose Alzheimer's 90% of the time today with current testing. Of course, a definite diagnosis can only be done by autopsy after death.

Keep your eyes open and observe what is going on...it may only be MCI. Do your own research online. Hugs to both of you!!

About 6 months after I started taking care of my mom I wrotenher doc a letter stating I was disgusted with the care she was receiving. I was nice about it and approached it from the standpoint of family concern. Told him we would like to know about research opportunities. Also told him what was going on with mom. I was very new at this and it was frightening for me. The letter provided a good outlet for my frustration as well. The next time I took mom to the doc, he actually thanked me for giving him a swift kick in the rear.

Try writing him a similar letter before her next doc appointment. And if doc is receptive, you have a good one that needed a kick. If not, find another doc, make sure it is one that specializes in geriatric medicine.

My mother is very similar. Don't approach it like a life threatening condition but talk about it in your everyday conversations with your mom. Eventually it won't feel so abnormal to hear it. Let her know you'll both be describing this to the Dr. If he's not a neurologist, he'll have to refer you to one so she can get on something to help her brain keep going strong. Meds they use for this treat symptoms & you can sometimes see big improvements in as little as a week. Your mother will notice it too....mine did.

Hello everyone, this LadyDi here. just checking to make sure I am not completely going crazy. I know what I have to say is not on the current topic so I am sorry for butting in here. Taking care of my mother has not been easy as you have listened to me whine about from time to time. Now we are noticing her losing her "words", when do we talk to her primary doctor about this. Her doctor is not very in tune with his patients. he takes the pulse, listens to the heart and lungs, reads her chart then we are off and out of the office. I know this sounds very foolish. but when do we bring this up? She is so afraid of growing older and she is a very proud woman she always has been. She will not tell him anything is hurting or "off". I do not want to take away her dignity but we feel concern for this situation. Any feed back would be great. thank you everyone

Alison, did the tree have nematodes? those are little subsoil critters that kill the roots. And if you used Preen or any other pre-emergent weed killer, they will kill trees. My MIL killed a 30ft hybrid elm by applying Preen at the base.

Alison-my guess is as CM suugests...thesoil had a pre-emergent herbicide in it. Depending on how bad the damage, the tree could recover but you. Wont see that until next spring. If the damage is only on new growth, it could be frost damage.

Joan-glad you are recovering well.

Judda and Margeaux-never heard of oil pulling...interesting...will have to look that up.

Take care everyone...sit in the shade and relax with some ice tea and a good book.

Judda,

I have tried the oil pulling, it is beneficial.
I did it with olive oil. Must get back to it.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hmm, Alison, strange about the tree. When you bought the new sod to lay, had it been pre-treated with anything, do you know? I'm just wondering if it perhaps had some kind of selective herbicide on it to get it off to a good start. If the tree is dying from the ground up, rather than the tips down, then it's nothing to do with lack of water or nutrients; it must be something it's taking up. I suppose it could be water logging - it's not a monkey puzzle tree, is it? You'd better find out what's going on before you replant, because if it's beasties or toxins to blame then they could also damage something new that you actually like!

Camaryl, I remember my mom’s skin being very very sensitive. She bruised so easily. If we changed her bedding and did not make sure that the bedsheet beneath her was straight, the next time we changed her pamper, she had a bruise where she laid on top of the wrinkle. And this would last for about a week. I always worried that the gov’t caregiver might think we hurt her. After so many bruises and torn skin, I figured that as people age, their skin becomes thinner, so that they easily bruise and tear. And well, when I would touch her skin, it felt soooo fragile. I was actually terrified that her skin would start tearing open at any slight movements. (I’ve read that happening at least with 2 different posters here on agingcare when I first found this site.)

ABB, I actually love that last minute evening gown. It’s so delicate looking, feminine and hid my tummy! I washed it and every time I pass by it, I wonder when I can wear it again. I hope that the next business dinner function is months from now. You just reminded me of my goal to read a few pages at a time on that book on how to carry on conversations with people. I will keep that book near my bed – as a reminder. This is one self-help book that I need to complete. It's work-related. I need to learn to be an Asset. FYI, I just had lunch with baby bro's girlfriend today. We talked over an hour on the phone. But once I was with her in person, I shut down. She did most of the talking. ... Thanks.

Oh 10 minutes a few times a year. My mom has a guardian and sibs told her that I was causing problems with allowing them to see her. Their plan by lying was to try to manipulate guardian into deciding mom would do better in a facility. Both sibs are really whacked out!

Mama, very similar, for sure. My counselor, narcissistic Sib lives about 10 minutes away, and will stop by to see mom, yes, for maybe 10 minutes, but only if I am not here. About four years ago this Sib stopped by to pick up something mom had on the "LIST" for her. I asked what list? She then got in mom's face yelling and screaming at her "where is the list?" Naturally, mom had no clue what in the world she was talking about. Sis had mom in tears. The way she treated mom that day, I do not even want her around. If she treats mom like that when other people are around it is frightening to think what she would do if she were alone with her.

Hello all,

Hi mama3111, welcome. So sorry your siblings aren't there for you and Mom. I think many here can relate.

The topic of racism/prejudices came up in our thread. It made me think of my grandmother and father and how amazingly accepting and loving they were/are towards all kinds of ethnicities. Strangely enough, there was problems because a previous caregiver who was Afr American was telling the police that my grandma and dad were "loony white people"... thought that was interesting. I only know that bit of info because its in a police incident report that dates shortly before I got here and was part of the overall problems my dad was having and why he called me - they had a caregiver that was prejudiced against them, it would seem. I realize it would most typically be the other way around but the geographic area I live in is predominantly Afr American.

Emjo, glad you've come through your procedure ok. Hope you're healing time is fast. And yes, my father is really strange with the amount of stuff he wants to carry around. I guess we all know women (or ARE those women) who carry big purses with everything we could need in them... my dad does same even though what he carries around really isn't things he could need, imo... but I've mentioned before that my father's thinking isn't rational. He wears a fisherman's vest (sometimes called photographer's vest, too, I think?) with something in every pocket, a bulging 3 compartment fanny pack filled with 3 different checkbooks, some pens, some lighters, some fingernail tools (that he never uses)... and two bulging wallets. Its really something. I've tried to assist him in whittling down to a few less pieces/things, but he wants to carry it all around and so I let him. He is a hoarder. Its a mental block with him. :-)

Hi book, I hope you're doing well. Sounds like your dressy dinner function went over well. Was reading about your escapades over on YOU thread. :-)

Sandwich, the stress studies that I read about back when I was going through extreme anxiety about a year ago all used "sandwich caregivers" as the study subjects... due to the extremely high stress caused by such a situation of caring for children and having to care for aging parents. I can't imagine.

Judda, I think I'm going to try that oil pulling. I've read about it. Seems like it is beneficial. I noticed that I got a bit of gum bleeding that I attribute to the previous mold problem in the house here. Well, it said online that gum bleeding was one of many, many symptoms one could get from constant exposure to too much toxic mold in the air. And I already have coconut oil, use it as moisturizer, mostly, cook with it occasionally.

Camaryllis, yay, glad you got professional reinforcements! That has got to be helpful! And congrats on putting weight on MIL/FIL. You've done really well by them, be proud of yourself for surviving such a sudden taking-on of them and now you will have help, I'm very glad for you.

The only thing going on right now on my end is more and more doc appointments. There will be more before there are fewer, it would seem. So going to 3 different places right now. Next up - dad gets prostate needle biopsy next week.

And I think the big tree - the only tree - in the front yard is dying. Its turning brown and needles (its an evergreen) are falling off. That tree has been here since before I was born and I can't think of a reason it would suddenly die. It was an extremely long cold winter, and sod was put on front yard last year that required a lot of watering... neither of which seems extreme enough to kill a well rooted evergreen tree... Oh well. Just kind of makes me raise my eyebrows. I keep looking at it, have been watching it all this Spring as it loses more and more of the needles, now brown and dead for the bottom half of tree, working its way up... Funny thing is - I would love to get rid of that tree. So, even though strange and sad that its dying... I'm kind of glad. Now I can get it cut down. Its too overgrown for small front yard, but certainly didn't expect it to DIE. ;-)

Have a good weekend everybody. (((HUGS)))

camarylis-thank you for taking time t o make me feel welcome....blessings to you.

gladimhere-you've no idea how well I can relate to a narcissistic sib! I am also thinking of cutting him out of my life, only it's tough since every few months he comes to see my Mom (for a whole five minutes and he lives ten mknutes away)-- so for her sake I must be civil even if he doesn't deserve it...anyway, it feels good to know others can relate, thanks!

bookluvr-I know all too well about the financial strain and t he ex a speration of knowing sibs should help but instead are apathetic and hostile....my prayers are with you, and thanks...

judda -good tips. I use baking powder and peroxide quite a bit

Christine - sounds good The weight gain is awesome.

cm - good point about blood thinners.

hahaha, Thanks, veronica. Old bird or old trout would be fine. I once had a root canal without anaesthetic - by choice. I don't like anaesthetic. I don't know that I would do it again, but it was bearable. Now a dry socket is bad, up there with child birth, only it goes on longer. Think of 10 days in labour. I probably should have taken the heavy drug, but stayed with Tylenol and Ibuprofen.