The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Glad everything wemt well Emjo. You are one tough lady. I was going to say "old bird" or "old trout" but that would have been very rude as you are such a lady

CM's right and some elderly get very thin skin that tears easily especially when they have lost a lot of weight. Well done with the fattening up. Don't celebrate too soon Chris there is not a dressing in existence that FIL can't pick off if he works on it long enough or you bandage mittens on his hands.

Movingup,

Our thread is strong and quite relevant!
I don't even like the thought of that!

Margeaux

Christine, are MIL/FIL on warfarin or aspirin or clopidogrel or anything? They're both pretty, er, slender - glad you're fattening them up! - and they're old, and both of those tend to go with bruising easy anyhow; but if they're on anti-clotting or anti-stroke meds then just one little bump and it looks like you've left them in the tumble dryer overnight.

Thanking every deity...
I got home from work tonight to find a house full of nurses. HAha. MIL has one and FIL has a separate one. They don't seem to check schedules, so both were here this afternoon plus a trainee. The great news is that MIL is at a whopping 94 lbs. and FIL is at 111. Woo hoo., Can I cook or can I cook? This is just amazing, both have been downhill for the past few years. The other good news is that the nurse fixed up FIL's arm where he had an ugly cut from banging against the door frame, where the metal piece is from the doorknob. I was worried about that, afraid he would get an infection or gangrene...this seemed above my pay grade. He is so bruised and awful looking, big scabby messes on his arms. MIL is bruised too. It hurts me to look at them. That is funny, I seldom bruise even though I am forever banging myself up. Different kinds of people. Anyway, the nurse put on some kind of bandage that held the skin together and has an antiseptic in it. So FIL can't pull it off like he has the last two. Yay.

Anyway, a lovely start to my weekend. I am looking forward to going to the grocery store alone tomorrow, and maybe to the library too.

Thanks for listening, and have a peaceful evening
Christine

Thanks for the hug, Emjo. I hope I will soon transcend the anger periods that reinforce the Narc connections. Yes, you are so right. Hatred and love are karmic bonds.

For physical impairments: try Feldenkrais. It's super, relaxing, and it works to free up spasms, and chronic pains. Better and gentler than chiropractors.

Emjo and others with dental woes: I have found coconut oil (they call it oil pulling online) helps draw out bacteria from the mouth. You let it swish in your mouth for as long as you can (10-15 mins). Spit it into a lined garbage can, not the sink. Don't swallow it. Rinse with salt water. I have been amazed how fast the mouth will heal, gums tighten up, infections lessen or disappear. So many natural cures work very well. Baking soda and salt, hydrogen peroxide for toothpaste and rinses are still tops. I had a bone graft and couldn't afford the implant. It's still doing fine.

It is the realty not enabling. I think the anger keeps us tied to them sometimes. The more I get rid of the anger, the less guilt and the easier it is.(((((hugs))))

Picking apart the guilt: dutiful daughter not being loving? Or is the reality daughter not enabling neurotic behavior of the parent?

movngup - other threads have over 20,000 entries. have a long way to go.

cm - don't know about the alcohol. I suppose it could relax you which is a good thing. Not sure how well the dentist would like alcohol breath in his face lol. Last time looked at my face, I think it is a little less swollen - I can hope.

Movingup - dunno, let's find out!

Emjo you are a brave woman, well done. Thinking about the prophylactics, though, I have heard that if you are sloshed then you survive falls much better, something to do with the alcohol making your body think "oh sh'allright, li'l bump ne'er hur' anyone…" or something and going floppy. Do you think a modest measure might also have a place in the dentist's chair?

People, isn't it time this thread finished and Part 2 was started? How many thousands of entries can fit in a single thread?

glad - they think they are special and exempt from the normal rules of human interaction.

cold pack - 30 mins on and 30 mins off. Hard to type with the cold fogging up my glasses.

the procedure went well - no probs and would do it again if necessary . Had a very interesting chat with the dentist. His mum has Alz. We shared about family not accepting how things are, and causing family tensions, about the ongoing grieving as they go down hill, the sadness of these diseases... He is a nice man, I had to laugh as they drew a bit of blood to mix with the bone granules and they couldn't find a Band-Aid to put on the site. I found one in my purse, so they used that. I have a mini drug store in my purse. I applied cold till bed time. Took a couple of Ibuprofens at bed time and slept well. This morning I took a decongestant/pain killer tab and am fine. The sinus on that side tends to block up and I don't want infection setting in. I can't really say I have had any pain - a little discomfort maybe. I have a trick. Before I go to the dentist I take a decongestant to stop the post nasal drip and a NSAID, as painkillers work better if you take them in advance. I also take some Ativan if I have it, reasoning that being relaxed is better. I rarely need any painkillers after and even if I do, very few. He was going to give me a prescription for a strong one and I said I never used any after the implants so I didn't take it, nor did I take the antibiotic. Rinsing seems to work. I was quite tired this morning, but picking up now. I will be quiet today and continue with the cold pack. There is some swelling, and I gather it may get worse yet. But that will heal . No bruising so far. Could have been a lot worse. My middle son had all his impacted wisdom teeth removed under full anaesthetic. I went to the city with him to drive him back to the hotel afterwards. He didn't take any painkillers that evening to he could drive himself to a movie. The next day no painkillers and he drove us home and had a hamburger and fries for lunch, so I guess it runs in the family.

However I am happy to have this part over and done with. In 4-6 months I should be ready for the implant and then 4-6months for the crown. I also have to get the adjoining teeth crowned some time in this process, as the one being replaced is part of a bridge. Where a wedding will fit in with all of this I don't know. Oh well - life!!!

Have a good day, everyone! Do something good for you.

Emjo, yes it would be nice if she could apply her learning to her own behavior! But, then there would be no excuse for the narcissism, would there? Sis is just so full of herself, always has been, always will be. World should revolve around her, or so she thinks.

cm - I wear bifocals with no problems. Enjoy the freedom without your daughter. You are allowed to! When mine visits with the grandkids for a few hours I am always glad to see tem leave

Christine - you had quite a time. Glad no one was hurt badly

sandwich - I still get enough requests from the hospital that I feel the cord has not yet been cut, but I give a huge sign of relief about not getting any more phone calls and that mother does not want family visits. I feel like a sandwich with my mother and also my daughter's issues. And I got grill marks to show for it. Then figure in a narcissistic sis as well. My hide it growing thicker all the time.

bunny - you are very welcome. keep coming back. Recovering from childhood abuse is a long and painful journey. I have read John Bradshaw and found him very helpful. Yes, dysfunctional families protract their dysfunctions and want to perpetuate them

alison -7 lbs??? wow! I had Gordie when I was 40 and the gyn said I could have more if I wanted. I had a friend who mother was 47 when she had her. But, you need to get dad sorted soon if you want to go that route

veronica- sorry about all your health issues - do you think retirement had anything to do with it? I exercise because I know it is good of me and I feel better after. 30 mins a day, 5 days a week + 150 mins. which is recommended. I just walk - often around the house.

Marg - I was pleased to find the Health Information Act which laid things out well, and also that mother gave the SW clear direction about what she wanted conveyed to my sister. That leaves me out of it, and they have no grounds for blaming me for not sharing, Not that they may not try anyway, but I am on decent ground, I think.

mama - you are definitely not alone. Sibs can be very difficult.

glad - Don't you wish that your sis who like mine has training in counselling. would apply what she knows to her own behaviour.

locascio - I am glad you were able to straighten that mess out. Too bad for the relative. We have to develop tough skins.

book - your sibs deserve a good smack around the ears for not being helpful!!!

bone graft surgery next post...

Sandwich I'm feeling sooooo disloyal (hangs head in shame) - beautiful lovely daughter has just gone back to London after a month at home. I will miss her terribly, and so will her Granny, and so will the dog. But oh! - access to the shower! an empty laundry basket! freedom to have an opinion! and the eerie stillness in the house...

Teenagers and elderly parents are NOT for sissies! I also have a 15 YO son. I read somewhere that God makes old people and teenagers ornery, mean, and cranky so you don't miss them so much when they go. Oh, if it only worked like that in real life.

Now you know why I picked the name Sandwich! I'm in the panini press between those two generations. You can recognize me on the street by my grill marks.

Christine "cuteness" and "teenager." Hmmm. Don't remember seeing those words so close together before… :)

Locascio - thank goodness your mom still had her wits about her! Imagine if she didn't, it would have been very difficult to undo what the relative did.

Bunny – I like your comment on what John Bradshaw said on the difference between a functional family vs. a dysfunctional family. I’ve never heard it described like that. Based on that, I have a dysfunctional thinking. We were never taught as kids on how to solve problems – just do what they tell us to do and don’t question it. I’m going to copy and paste that into my file. thanks! Your second comment is something that I have no desire to investigate. To me, in order to find happiness that is Not outside of yourself – means you must learn to love yourself. Learn to have Respect for yourself. That really boils down to – Self Esteem. I’ve been struggling with that for decades. But John does know what he’s talking about.

Veronica, I smiled as I read your comments to CM about her mom exercising but you don’t. The phrase that popped in my head was: Do as I say but not as I do. ;;;; It sounds like you’re in constant pain. I don’t blame you about not being gungho with exercising. When I do my stretches, I have to constantly remind myself not to baby my aching body. If I don’t use it, it would become stiff. Imagine trying to drive without turning your head left/right or behind as you reverse?

Mama – I know what you mean. I have 7 siblings. Dad and I spent 23 years caregiving mom. He asked repeatedly for help with my siblings. He finally gave up. He said that he hates begging for help. Then about 2 years ago, he had a stroke and became bedridden. Now it was just me and 2 bedridden parents and a full time job. I cannot quit my job because we have bills to pay. Yet NONE of my siblings stepped up to help.

Country mouse, my mother made that mistake once, thinking that a nearby relative could handle POA responsibility. When he manipulated her will, tried to reinvest her money & attempted to put her into a home, she fought back & asked me to take her to elder care lawyer. Thankfully, she was able to instruct this attorney clearly regarding her wishes, including living will, health care proxy, etc. The changes did not sit well with the previous POA & he is still angry about it. My mother is happy & that's what it's supposed to be about.

Mama, welcome! A social worker from a family that has so many of the same issues we have?! You have come to the right place. Myself, the most dysfunctional of my bunch is a Sib that is a professional counselor, and a very narcissistic one at that. She has been cut from my life. Too much energy required on my part to try to keep her pacified.

Veronica very good point about the glasses. My mom only has reading glasses but often forgets to take them off when she walks. If I do not remind her to take them off, she gets dizzy. Try it sometime walking looking at the ground with just reading glasses on. I've nearly fallen down the stairs before.

Mama,
Nope, you are definitely not alone! I, too, am so grateful for this website, for the advice and support and comfort from other people in the same kind of situation.
Be well
Christine

What the heck happened to that post, it got separated.
Margeaux

Sandwich,

This is too much your last visit to see your mom.
I always say, anyone who's been a racist when they were young.....when they're older it just gets more pronounced. My neighbor is Dutch. She married and Dutch/Indonesian many years ago, and they had a daughter. She obviously has issues with her daughter. I noticed some time ago my neighbor saying anti-Asian remarks. I definitely don't like hearing them, either. It occurred to me one day, when she started to talk about the stereo types she manages to bring up, and thought, "wow, you say you have an issue w/Asian people, yet your own daughter is from Indonesian culture." She even admitted to me that she's never mentioned these feelings to her daughter, so she appears to know that it's wrong. I told her,
"Well, I hope you've never let your daughter know, these feelings." Must admit,
I was rather shocked on several levels about this revelation. I even wondered whether this plays into the friction they have.

It could be an adjustment period for you. You used to do so many things for your mother, now you are not having to do that anymore.
Oh! A thirteen yr. old! Well, that age group can be demanding, isn't it when it's all about them time?

Go have that Margarita!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux



This made me feel very uncomfortable, and I couldn't help but think, that even if she's never said this to the daughter, maybe the daughter feels some of this.
This to me is real proof that sometimes people are so brainwashed by their racist views about certain cultures.

I just found this website today and am flabbergasted to see that I am not the only one in my situation!! I quit my job as a Social Worker for 30+ years so that I could care for my Mom...I remain grateful for each day with her but the shock of realizing that three of my four sibs want nothing to do with our Mom...or me...just totally, and literally broke my heart. I was certain that all of us would care for her together, for HER benefit, but when the time arrived to talk to all of them as a "family", the result was that they now refuse to speak to me, and just barely speak to our Mom! What?? Surely not US!!! ...it's been a couple of years totally on my own with her and I STILL cannot quite believe it. Thank you all for being there, this was a BIG blessing to find this website and this way for me to somewhat "vent". Blessings to all.

Emjo,

Good for you that you are making sure regarding the rules and privacy about your mother's updates. Given all the parties you are dealing with, it's really a preventative measure against unwarranted opinions hopefully, and just some dignity towards an elder, (even if sometimes we feel that elder isn't deserving).

I hope you get the estimate on the damage to your basement soon so this can be taken care of.

Oh!! Dental.....yikes! I hope you get through that, and you can just rest some.

Big hugs,
my friend,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

CM I am really idle about doing exercises. movement for me has to have a purpose like right now working in the garden. It is the muscles that hurt for me rather than the bones. When I get up in the morning I am upright and think I can do anything but an hour later..................What relieves me is to either lay back in my recliner or lean on a counter with straight arms. Right now I am in the middle of investigations for pretty much everything you can think of. I never and I mean never went to a Dr for years and years and now I am full of appointments. I was fine till I retired seven years ago then everything fell apart. I do think you should encourage Mum to do her exercises she needs to keep moving. Start with a few minutes and work up gradually as she tolerates it. I am sure you will have to stand over her with a whip or better yet do them with her. Just going for a walk will be good enough. Do it by time rather than distance

Sandwich - what I "hear" from you is that you did, and are still doing, what can be done. Boy do I understand trying to get that anger out of letter you're composing. Well, if I can give you a bit of advice, just take out the anger and the blame and send the short, sweet facts. There's always the likelihood, sounds like, they will call you anyway and may make statements that will put you on the defensive... you can have at them then. ;-) Maybe for just today, you can set your rightful anger aside. And I understand about not getting support from docs. I'm seeing this more and more. Hrm. Your post made me realize I might have to be very firm when dealing with new health care plan and new doctors about getting services - that he obviously needs - arranged for my dad.

Cm - made me laugh about your mum being "clutter magnet." I suppose that's an elderly trait, I think its also a lifetime habit/mindset of some. When my father was getting weighed at docs the other day, the nurse spied his fanny pack, fisherman's vest, and two bulging back pockets where he keeps the fattest wallets crammed full of every biz card, membership card, credit card, and scrap piece of paper he's ever received - pretty much. She had him take the extras off/out and he dropped 7 pounds, I think it was. I just was happy for the opportunity to have a chuckle with the nurses about his pack rat nature... I've tried very hard to convince him he doesn't need to carry All That around with him, but... there's no changing him. That's ok.

Veronica - just want to thank you for all that knowledge about what many on here are dealing with in that brain of yours, and your input is very helpful to me and many others, I'm sure. So don't go getting any Real senility, please? You do make me laugh when you make jokes and suggest it, though... ;-)

Camaryllis - like others have said, I think you're doing great handling all this. I agree that its better with less drama made about normal situations the elderly face. Anyone going over the top just doesn't understand that its perfectly normal, if momentarily frightening, that MIL will misjudge her chewing/swallowing abilities on occasion, and at least she still brushes her own teeth!!! That's great! I hope FIL heals up ok, I know it takes their fragile skin so much longer to heal. I find A&D ointment helpful once the broken skin is healed enough. There's some better ointments out there made specifically to heal cracked elderly skin or diaper rash skin (Medline Remedy brand) but A&D seems to work well enough, imo. And I don't know that this will be helpful info or not, but I ordered baby wipes by the carton box for very cheap on Amazon for my grandma before she passed. I got the ones for sensitive skin. I could use those to clean her anywhere/everywhere and anytime. I liked them so much I got a nice-looking box to hold them in and still keep them on bathroom counter even now. Useful. :-)

The topic of children... I don't think I can really understand. I always Thought I'd have children and a family of my own, but hasn't happened so far and I'm 39. I am also open to adopting if I find a nice guy and finally have a good home and stable situation to bring child into... and I also think I might just go off oral contraceptives and find out if I get knocked up... KIDDING! Sort of... this biological clock thing is interesting. I have enough to think about without bringing that loaded debate into my mind. I do love children, though, and I did always assume I would be a mother. I know I still can be, even years from now. Being a mother doesn't just mean giving birth, right? But sandwich, I like your description of your 13-yr-old. I can only imagine. But at least she will outgrow that "center of the world" mentality eventually, right?

Hugs all, I'm having a good enough day. And you're right, sandwich, its just fine considering the possibilities. ;-)

Tomorrow is another doc appt, BP evaluation, for dad at good ol' VA. But soon, hoping to get all his issues (except Urology) handled by new PCP.