notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Re: The Troll Letter,
"Oh brother!"
Margeaux
FYI, they also hack into your email, then send a HELP, I'm in the Hospital and my wallet/purse was stolen, and I don't have money to pay for my medical expenses. Because they hacked into your email, you might think that the email is legitimate. Do not believe it! We got several of those from our clients. Now, we email them and tell them that their email address is compromised and forward to them a copy of their Help I need to pay for the Hospital letter.
Thanks for the heads up x
sarah48 commented 6/10/2014 at 10:27 pm
Dearest one,
I do sincerely apologize for my intrusion of your privacy here in this wonderful site, I have a serious concern with which I believe you might be of help and for this reason, I cannot but reach out to someone. My name is,
Mrs Sarah Duke. A Nationality of Finland
I am married to late Mr. David Duke, who worked with the United Nation Office in Iraq for 18 years before he was killed in a Car bomb accident along side with my daughter Helen when they went there for a visit.
We were a dedicated Christians (Catholic) and decided to serve mankind to the best of our ability. Since his death, I have lived with ! the memories, fighting effortlessly to live a normal life but all to no avail.
I suffered mentally and psychologically and shortly was diagnosed of Cancer. I lived with the scourge praying earnestly for divine intervention. Just 4 days ago, the doctor informed me that I have just about two weeks more to live. I was not shocked. I accepted the news in good fate.
My dear beloved, it is in this regard that I write to you, having sourced you after fervent prayers. Before my husband died, he deposited a sum of $8.3Million (Eight Million, Three Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) with a Bank.
I alone have the deposit details and they will release the deposit to no one unless I instruct them to do so. They are simply awaiting instructions to release the deposit to any party that I may direct. This is the situation. I will simply nominate you as the next o! f kin and have them release the deposit to you.
I have wholeheartedly decided to donate the entirety of this fund to any devoted believer or organization and to achieve this, I need an individual that will utilize this funds adherently for these purposes:
1: For the sick, less-privileged and destitute.
2: For the Widows and the motherless babies e.t.c.
3: orphanages, Research centers and widows propagating.
4. To adopt children and give them good future
These are the wishes of a dying woman. They are the desires of my heart, hence my decision as I do not have a child to take over my inheritance. Please, understand that I am not doing this because of fear of death as I am certain where my place already is.
When I receive your response, I will direct you at once to an attorney who shall assist you with the deposit portfolio transfer of ownership procedures.
I wish to state here that! my communication with you will seize once I have given you the attorney contact and of
course a letter of authority mandating the bank to entertain your claims of right of ownership.
All I need from you is Truthfulness, Honesty and Sincerity assuring me that you can in all honesty and obedience utilize the funds for the purpose with which it is meant.
In any a case, a quick response from you will be highly appreciated as I am already on a count-down and may not have ample time to finalize the procedures. Any delay in response may compel me to source for other measures or perhaps choose the alternative which I will not be happy to. Please, do not see this as a strange possibility or an unbelievable Opportunity to make wealth, rather see this as a rare chance to assist the less privileged in truth and in spirit with a substance.
I insist that you reply me via this address.
I await your immediate response.
Thank You and Bless You richly!
Mrs Sarah D.
By the way, my siblings don’t respond when I send email updates about dad. I still send it. Because later down the line, they cannot accuse me of keeping things a secret or that no one told them about it. I have my email to prove that I did email them. My baby brother has this habit of saying “I didn’t know… I didn’t know..” I told him that I emailed to him. Obviously he wasn’t reading it. I feel no guilt since I did tell them.
Glad - I'm so glad and full of envy that you were able to see Teepa live. Wow! I mean just her YouTube videos are so powerful. I can just imagine what she's like in person. For me, scary because she would go up to you and just choose you to be an "example" of her lessons. Did they also videotape her talk and gave you the option to purchase it? That would be soooo neat!
Sharyn, I hope you enjoy your 3 days leave. You need it with all that's been going on.
Broken1 - depends on what you and hubby want. Do you still want to continue to caregive grandma? Is she living in your own home? Your husband/family comes first. If Grandma is forcing you to choose, then choose. Depending how able she is - there is the option of Independent living where she lives with others of her age. See the right side, just below "My Account" is a Blue Box "Find Housing & Care". Maybe you can scroll around and see what options would best fit your grandma. There is no guilt for Not being able to no longer provide care for her. If that is her home and she has Not been declared incompetent, then you can set up services for someone to visit her weekly to make sure she's okay. The thing is, the government will not step in if grandma is doing fine. They will only step in if she gets hurt. Then they will find a place for her - nursing home, etc... Perhaps you can give us more information on how she is and her health situation?
Alison~I send my long lost brother and my sister's daughters a group email. I highlight all the positives and only say mom/grandma is fine physically. I tell them what my hubs and I are doing, about our children then I end with if you have any questions about mom/grandma's health contact me, I will be more than happy to answer your questions. No one responds. In my case, I send this out in December, LOL!!!
Veronioca~Mystery solved and you have not taken a major decline down the dementia road, LOL!!
Joan~I know you have your hands full with planning a wedding (happy planning) and then planning how to deal with your sister, organizing the move for your mother, dealing with dr's and SW (not so happy planning). Take care of you and I know you will find something good to do for yourself..as you are so good about that.
Thank you for all the responses regarding my sister gifting in mom name along with what she can afford to gift. I agree that it is not necessary to keep "up appearances" for whatever the reasons because none of us...sibs, grands, or great grands expect a gift from her.
I am off tomorrow for 3 days, YAY!!! Tomorrow I will work in the house and make a big dinner w/left overs for Thursday. Visit mom and take her out, and on Friday, I told hubby we can go out for dinner and handed him our anniversary gift from his father back in April, LOL!! Too much going on at that time with planning the genders reveal.
More decluttering tomorow and Thursday...I should just rent a truck to haul it all away at one time, LOL!!
Have a good night everyone!!
One thing I found especially interesting was the reason those with dementia walk so numched over is what happens with peripheral vision as we age. By the time you are in later stages of Alzheimer's their eyes see as if they were holding binoculars around their eyes. No wonder Mom screams sometimes when I put her hearing aids in. She does not have any idea I am there! LOL. I suppose those could also be the case when changing their diapers. If they do not see you in their center of vision they may think they are being attacked. Their sight even if they can see well, is severely limited.
She said she just finished up some presentations in Canada, and that Wisconsin is next on the list. The fee to attend for a family caregiver was only $10.00. A bargain and learned so much. Will post more about it tomorrow when looking at my notes.
I think it might be too late for the POA, as FIL is not competent. So hubs is talking to a lawyer about guardianship or something. But there is a possibility that MIL is still competent so might be able to be signing things. The legal part is too much for my poor brain to handle right now. You're right though, I need help.
Add to this that Charles and I are planning to get married, after 13 years of shacking up, haha, although that has been derailed a little with all this other stuff going on.
It was my FIL that fell outside and couldn't get up. He was having a lot of trouble with getting up even out of a chair or his bed. Since I have been giving him the vitamin B mix he seems to be doing a little better with that. Still sundowning, and doesn't know who anyone is most of the time, except for his wife and his dog. I feel like he is declining really fast. Charles took him to the doctor last week, and the doctor prescribed an antipsychotic for the aggressive episodes. He is out of one of the drugs he has been taking for decades, and the new doctor would not refill the prescription. I was worried about withdrawals from it, it is some kind of anti anxiety thing that is supposed to help him not have nightmares. The more I listen to him and hear him get so distraught and crying about being in the Navy in the war, the more I think he has PTSD and never has been treated for it. I am not a doctor, but I don't feel that he was getting much care at the VA clinic he was going to. Of course, no one was probably telling the doctor about his problems, and he has had dementia for a few years now, apparently. I have been keeping a diary and gave it all to the new doctor. I am hopeful that he will get more care, the other thing the doctor prescribed was a visiting nurse. MIL gets a nurse and has had a Physical Therapist the past three weeks. So that seems to have made a difference, even if it only in that she feels that someone is looking after her. This week a niece has been visiting, so she took MIL out for lunch and a pedicure today. MIL was so thrilled to have all this attention showered on her.
Ah well, things will even out. Charles and I went on a drive over to the nursing home over the weekend, just to look at the outside, not ready for a tour yet. One thing I am fretting about is if we end up moving him there soon that it will shorten his life. It is his greatest fear, to be put in a nursing home. Heck, I am ready to sign up for one myself right now. But somehow that is terrifying to FIL. So when the time comes that Charles and I can't handle the care of him anymore at least we have a place in mind, and there are beds available. So I am breathing easier for that.
I am working hard on making some space for myself. I have a bad tendency to give more than I have...so I have been making some time alone at night, sending the old ones to bed early and spending some quiet time reading. I have not been in my workroom in a month, another thing that I put aside for this situation. I make dolls honoring the goddesses of ancient cultures. I love doing that, but lately feel too exhausted to create. I know it will settle down, one way or the other. And I can do this for a limited time.
Thank you so much for listening to me ramble on, and for being here, sharing your stories and your advice. Hugs to everyone, we are all doing an amazing job.
Christine
You do seem to have your hands full, like most of us here.
My mother's family has abandoned her purposely, so that she will
see there's "nothing up here for you. Your brothers don't need you" This came from my cousin- the same one who'd taken my mother to have a new will drawn last July-without a word to the rest of the family. He had put himself & his family in the will & had my mom sign for him as a beneficiary on a substantial brokerage account.
Last Dec. when I was in town for the holidays, I got hit with ”help me, they're trying to put me in a home. I need a lawyer” This was cousin afore mentioned, another cousin/business owner & his wife. They had told me they'd take my mother to have will rescinded & put ending back to the way her will was writen in 06. This had not been done yet, but they took her to a lawyer who was borrowing an office in an investment firm, where a son of these cousin's works! My cousin's wife told me no investors would be there when she went with them. They even assured me of this on way home from attorney. Mom hadn't signed the attorney, as she didn't like him. They underestimated her- she told me what they failed to mention: 3 or 4 strange men in suits came in & sat with her at the table- had the family leave the room. My cousin had plans & didn't think I'd find out about them... He underestimated me as well.
I have been working diligently on my mother's affairs. We've discussed possible future alternatives with an elder care attorney I found. She did not have a trust in place, nor any Medigap.
That was going on between Oct & Dec of last year. The people who were "so concerned about her welfare “ were networking with the companies they took her to- one of which was a very high end adult apt center. Mom didn't like it or hear about it any more, much less mobs in. Now I see that although the majority of the family lives within 30 min from my mother, none are even calling to see how she is, much less stopping by. Occasionally they invite her to showers, weddings, showers, birthdays. My cousin even took the time to call all the family, including my daughter, to tell them she did not have a brain tumor- it was just dementia!" He went to the surgeons office with me & Mom, heard what doc said, & saw the same MRI. This same cousin offered to get my mother to a neologist so she could far medicine for the dementia. When we were all moving her to a downstairs apt he showed me the letter from this doc, which said she feels it's Alzheimer's & she should not be living alone... Was a danger to herself (No explanation of this). She is the Dr who called to tell me that Mom had the brain tumor.
Sound like there's allot of manipulation going on here doesn't it?
My cousin says he doesn't want responsibility of my mom. Last year he kept telling everyone how close they've always been--& that he's been "taking care of my mother". That's not true as Mom still takes care of herself. She says she wants no part of this nephew-that he's been trying to put her away for years". It feels like he wants control, to take over, have power, & do what he wants with her money. Many times over the last year he's said ”i can't do anything for her without power of attorney " She wants me to do this as I'm her only child. I don't talk about it with my cousin- I notice he always brings it up.
I've set up a follow up visit with a social worker who visited my mother in Jan. She couldn't find any needs or problems, so closed the case. I wonder if Mom really has Alzheimer's. Her vision & eyeglass presciption changes frequently; ie, double vision, blurry vision, watery eyes. She has visual/spatial problems, Her gait looks a bit like Parkinson's. She complains of severe fatigue. The neologist only saw her once. Maybe this is dementia plus another undiagnosed condition.⁉
Glad - how was Teepa Snow?
Sharyn - that is funny about your daughter. When I was late in pregnancy with Gordie, I was BIG! In a store one day, a lady looked at me sympathetically and told me that she had had twins. I answered rather shortly that I wasn't having twins. At the time I didn't see the humor.
Christine - marg has a point about a serious talk with your hub.
Marg - the first psychiatrist said they would inject the drug if they had to. That hasn't happened. If it had happened mother could probably gone back to her ALF. Thx for the kudos.
ReneaP1960 - hard for anyone who has not walked in or shoes to understand. Your phrase "difficult to visit difficult to understand" struck a chord. That is where I am at. Fortunately the psychiatrists and the social worker accept where I am at. My sister doesn't, but that is another story. We certainly don't need to be judged. ((((((hugs))))) We understand.
Alison, looloo, cm - the email and info question needs to be another post for me - I am in a situation right now. Will share in a later post.
Austin - you must have been very good at your job, and I bet the oldsters loved you
Alison - sorry today's visit didn't turn out as you hoped. Ii would have thought that your dad's behaviour warranted an evaluation. Obviously, he cannot live completely independently and needs some help. I am a bit puzzled by the PCP.
More later on the sharing of information. I am getting grilled by my niece, and spoken to rather sarcastically. I don't respond well to that, as she will find out.
sad - I don't think it is odd, that we have other family members who are mentally unhealthy. I think it is amazing that any of us are "normal"
Sharyn -I agree about your sis and mum's finances. A few years ago, before mother got as bad as she is now, she called me and said that it was just too hard for her to send gifts - even money gifts. I said that was fine and we understood. Then she said that my sister still wanted gifts, and not money but presents. I said too bad, do what makes sense to you and that it was reasonable at her age to give up giving gifts. In short, I supported her.
Glad - shocking about the hearing aids - just shocking. But then from other things you have posted...
veronica - I read it somewhere but don't remember where. You are allowed some senior moments :)
cm - struggling a bit these last few days. The summers are hard as that is when Gordie died. I tend to grieve in advance of dates. The long weekend in July, 12 years ago, Gordie took mother and I to the Rockies. Other than mother and her incessant complaining, it was a great trip. I enjoyed his company so much. A few weeks later he was dead. I still find it hard to comprehend. Pam Stegman's (who posts here sometimes) daughter died a couple of days ago from a brain tumor. I think it is affecting me.
bunny - the use of money to manipulate is horrible. Your parent's behaviour is shameful. I see the same games in my family - my mother and my sister doing such to their children. One Christmas my sister got a shearling coat and I got a bottle of vitamin pills. They are spiteful. I pray for a peaceful, loving relationship with your husband too.
sandwich - mother too is at the end of the independent living era - even of the assisted living era. She will likely now stay in closed units the rest of her life. I wish it wasn't so. I met some lovely older people at mother's ALF and wouldn't mind seeing them again. One asked if mother was happy in her new place. I thought that was telling.
Today's appt with PCP was somewhat disappointing, somewhat encouraging. The doctor and I spoke about my dad stopping taking his medications, that dad is extremely sedentary, that he needs someone to look after him, that he seems forgetful, he doesn't clean and change his catheter like he's supposed to, doesn't keep up his hygiene, doesn't make rational decisions... and doc said he sees nothing to warrant a neurological/psychiatric evaluation at this time. (My dad has had psych treatment in the past, as recently as about 10-15 years ago he was hospitalized for a short time... I'm not exactly clear on the details, but my dad does have some "episodes" occasionally... mostly just a couple hours or so of incoherent, blind rage once in awhile when he doesn't get his way about something. As I've learned to better communicate with him and have accepted his way of doing things more and more, he doesn't get like that very often anymore. I also learned today, for 1st time, that my father attempted suicide at 18 by drinking bottle of iodine. It was a situation brought about by his father's treatment of him. I felt/feel very sad for him. His father, who died years before I was born, was by all accounts a somewhat mean man.)
I guess I was hoping that my dad's behavior was extreme enough to at least warrant further assessment. PCP - who seems very competent and was very thorough - says no, its not a medical issue at this time. Which means that dad is in the clear to declare that he wants to stay in this house for the foreseeable future. And that's ok... if I want to leave, it means that services have to be arranged. But I've learned that my father falls through the cracks a bit on both home nursing services and transportation services with VA, both of which would be basic needs if he were to remain living here and I move away. So... just need to keep getting through one day at a time for now and learn more about what new resources might be available to him through his new health care plan, Human Gold Plus, which the Humana rep (who happened to be at the new all-in-one geriatric patient facility we went to today for 1st time) said is really excellent and does offer those things - home nurse visits, transportation services. I just have to investigate and learn more about what's available through them.
Whew. Long day, long appointment. Great new all-in-one facility, though, 10 mins away, good doctor. I'm thankful for that.
Hope everyone is well. I'm worn out. :-) Be back soon, thanks for the support, advice, and caring.
He does genuinely think I'm being obstructive, I think. Perhaps, rather like his mother, he thinks that if he ignores or evades all the test results, symptoms and medical updates, they won't count and we can pretend she's fine.
And I've found it's no use encouraging them to ask: they just won't. "Didn't want to bother you" is the usual excuse. "Out of sight, out of mind" is my version of it.
I did learn something valuable -- which is that if people don't seem interested, or don't seem capable of participating, then it's easier to accept it. Don't involve them. If they want information at all, let that burden be on them.
Margeaux - your post to me about who I was emailing and such really got me thinking about the role I am playing in keeping dysfunction going in my family. The people I updated are my 2 brothers, and then I also copied a cousin in Dallas who is the only one of my remaining 3 cousins on my dad's side (dad's nephews) that has consistently sent cards, made phone calls, and shown interest in the well being of my grandmother and father. I had been out of touch with this cousin for some time due to illnesses, both mine and dad's, so decided to copy him as well as my 2 bros. Interestingly enough, he replied just as emjo said the "good guys" will: he said thank you for the update and that he hoped for the best. My brothers have said nothing/not responded at all. My older brother, especially, seems never anything BUT critical of me, and there is a history of him physically abusing me even as recent as a couple of years ago. He is arrogant and controlling and while I respect his right to run his own family as he sees fit, when it spills over to me, I get very defensive. And that's where I messed up: instead of just sending a simple update, I put in one paragraph at the end of my "update email" to bros that was me reminding them that I'm doing all of this for free. Carting dad to doctor's, getting him on track medically, constantly cleaning and fixing up this house, etc., etc. I let loose with one short but defensive paragraph basically saying what a saint I am for doing this, so they better shut up with any criticism already.
Well, in hindsight, I wish I didn't do that. It plays into what my family criticizes me about - that I'm such a victim, that I feel sorry for myself. So, anyway, this situation has made me more aware and I think going forward I'm just going to keep my head down, get business handled, and keep it to myself. If they want to know, let them inquire, like emjo said.
You also gave me pause, Margeaux, about the type of medical info I'm sharing. My dad has never seemed embarrassed by his catheter, but thinking about it more I can understand that maybe no one outside my 2 bros needs to know about this info and his upcoming procedures - which will likely be either the TURP or the prostatectomy, according to new doc in charge of his case. Like I said, in hindsight, maybe I shouldn't be so free with dad's medical info... let me bros ask if they want to know. Who I am really serving here is ME by sending out the "look how much is going on and what I'm dealing with" email. I don't want my bros approaching me as they so often do with their attitude of me getting some sort of "free rent" situation by being at my dad's house. It's ludicrous and it makes me see stars when they suggest anything like that. But I need to grow up. Its been 3 years now and I know that sibs will not understand nor appreciate the amount of work I do. Oh, schwell.
And Margeaux, so happy your couch hunt is over and you found something nice. I managed to find a thrift store sofa/loveseat for $65 to replace my grandma's old couch here. I'm sure what you got is much nicer, but I do think its possible to find nice, clean pieces at those kinds of stores.
Sandwich - kudos on getting mom's apartment cleaned out. You deserve a few margaritas for that alone. Also nice that you were able to meet some of the nicer elderly people in mom's new place. Maybe in time she'll make some friends there.
Sharyn - I love Greek yogurt in the morning, too, for exactly the reasons you said: lots of protein, not to sweet.
Later today is doctor's appt for dad with new Primary Care doc. I'm hoping it goes well. Its not my first try to find him a local PCP, but "try, try again," right?
I feel your pain regarding the fact about the psychiatrist thinking she'd get your mom on the proper meds. Well....just goes to show us that no matter what the professionals believe, or even our own well intentioned plans for our elders, if there's absolutely no cooperation on their part, even by some divine intervention,
other factors end up coming into play.
I saw mother decline physically speaking, from not walking, and lack of stimulation. Part of this was the fact, that my sister was so busy taking care of both mom's and the battle axes needs, then working f.t.
I'd suggest maybe a daycare center could be an option for mom, during the day.
But mom being so co-dependent on the sister (homebound elder), never wanted to leave the house after her sister became homebound. So just there, there would have never been any cooperation on her part.
I realize.....just having to deal, especially for you being at the helm of decisions to be made concerning your mom's health, well need I say that it's no easy task.
You have a lot of courage, and endurance! Kudos to you.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Yep, and communications snarl and computers choose not to work when Mercury is in retrograde... :) A fun couple of weeks to look forward to.
Hope everyone is having a peaceful day,
Christine
Thanks, Margeaux.
I completely agree with Emjo. It really does sound as if an NH would be the best place for your FIL. You still have your MIL, to contend with, which I'm sure is way more than enough.
If your husband is not actively seeing to getting the POA, in place maybe it's time you have a very serious talk with him.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Mercury being the planet starts making it's backward motion, and all matters concerning communication gets strange. I think it's definitely affecting some people.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux