The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thank you Glad that is very reassuring. I have looked back and now can't find any of it. Must have got as far as the dillusional stage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Veronica, I think the seizure in the yard is answry, but was her FIL, who just recently moved in with them. I have not looked back to see if answry has posted to this thread.

Just a little a funny...my daughter went for walk Sunday evening around sunset...several neighbors asked her if she was ok or needed help, LOL!! She said apparently a pregnant woman cannot take a walk at sunset in Idaho, hee hee!! I reminded her that she is carrying two and looks further along than she is...bless her neighbors for caring...I had a good laugh about this.

Margeaux~thank you for the info on magnesium. I will check it out more...so far what I have read, I do not have symptoms of a deficiency. I will add a multi-vitamin to the mix. I am not a big milk drinker but I do eat cheese and beans. I usually have a Greek yogurt and banana for breakfast. I like the Greek yogurt because it is higher in protein and not as sweet.

Tomorrow is my Friday...3 days off...I need to eat now.

Have a good Tuesday and Monday night!!

Thank You Glad for stating that about the unavailability of the POA....I understand it as you post since my mom's DPOA says if the primary is not available under any circumstances, the second is to step in.

CM~Thank you as well...Yes I do believe my sister needs to be told to stop this behavior of grandiose gratitude in mom's name. I will bring it up with her delicately so as not to offend her and hope she gets it in the end.

Sandwich~what I have noticed with the elderly is that there are those who have coping skills and accept what life gives them...so they do not complain or expect family members or friends to go to extreme lengths to make their life comfortable or enjoyable. Then there are those whose coping skills are broken, have always expected family or friends to take care of their emotional needs (instead of them doing it,...like a child).

The woman who does my mother's taxes is in her 90's...sharp as a tack...loving, pleasant, non complaining. She is very independent and wants to stay that way...but she also says...she would rather go in a NH or other facility than have her 70+ daughter change her diaper. Attitude is everything. Hugs to you!!

I'm going to Teepa Snow tomorrow and looking forward to it!

am continuing to deal with mental health issues for my 13 year old granddaughter. Today she told me she would love to return to the mental hospital where she spent two weeks...dealing with her mentally ill mother is too much...I need to tell my son it is either her daughter or wife...the wife is so rude and unloving to my granddaughter...my son wants to help both..he can't....but he is trying....my granddaughter doesn't want to discuss it with her mother, because he mother will fly off the hook...my son is trying to protect everyone..too much...marymember

Let me just add today that margaritas are fantastic. I don't think I've paid that much attention to them in the past.
I had a two-marg lunch on Sunday after a visit with mom at a little family owned restaurant nearby. Their food is so good. And their margaritas are perfect.

Today, I spent the entire day - over 10 hours - at mom's apartment to empty it out. Met the movers, cleaned, left it in move-in ready condition. I made myself a homemade margarita when I got home. I did the move by myself, as my husband was at work and is on call this evening.

I somehow found the strength to push a recliner into the dumpster - by myself. I'm 5 foot 3, so I don't have height on my side.
It was a heavy beast. I was going to have it put in mom's room down in the care center, but it was just too far past "odoriferous", if you know what I mean.

I put four - 4 - large yard bags of new, never used women's incontinence pads, pull ups, and bed pads in the laundry room with a sign. Free for the taking. There is probably $500 in supplies in those bags and mom still didn't feel she had enough. She uses the kind the care center provides for everyone now, so I am officially done shopping for all that, doing her laundry, and grocery shopping for her now.

What a day. The end of the independent living era. I ate lunch in the dining room and it was so yummy. Salisbury steak, carrots, potatoes & gravy, roll, and caramel banana cake. I can't for the life of me understand what my mom never liked about their food. (She was confabulating all along, saying they wouldn't serve her or only give her water with a piece of potato in it.) I suggested once in a fit of cheek that maybe if she were nicer she would get the same food as everyone else.

I got my order to go, so I could be ready for movers any minute, and as I waited, this really nice lady motioned for me to come over. She wanted to invite me to sit at their table. How lovely! These were not the mean old biddy hens mom described. Maybe because I am not a mean old biddy to start with....? ha!

As we waited for the dining room to open for lunch, I sat with a 98 year old lady who was sharp as a tack and had just gotten her first glasses & hearing aids. 98!
And Mr. Wilson who is over 90, is just so cute! He tells the same story over & over, but he is always turned out neatly and clean, and is still as good looking today as he was in his 30s. You can easily see that he was really something in his youth. I love sitting and chatting with him, even if it is the same story every time. Anybody annoyed by this can have my Cluster B & ALZ Mother for the rest of the month!

I was kind of sad to leave. I will visit mom down the way in the care unit, which is technically in the same building, but it's not close by because the building takes up two city blocks.

It gives me hope that not every older person is bitter, mean, miserable, ugly, and awful. There are a lot of really awesome folks out there doing their thing every day. I hope I can be like that. Maybe they are slower. Maybe they need more helps, but you can still see they were fun people once, with lives, interests, hobbies, and relationships. Maybe I will volunteer there sometime, so I can see what these folks have to offer. I will be sad when Mr. Wilson goes.

I have a similar problem as my husband is the major breadwinner throughout our marriage of 40 years this month. Now with mother dearest, handing complete control of her estate over to her golden boy son while I am cast into her needed role of scapegoat, I realize that having money from my mother's estate means freedom from my husband's control. Wouldn't that be nice after 40 years! But I have to let go and surrender to God's will in this. As I look back over all the difficulties with my parents over my lifetime I realize again and again how I was devalued by them. So why now would I think my mother would ever choose to treat me fairly? Of course she would hand huge amounts of money to my brother and my children and nothing to me. That's how you treat a daughter that you don't value, who is a huge disappointment to you because she doesn't measure up to what you think she should be, according to mother. It's only money and money can't buy happiness or peace or any of the things that really matter in life. I have meant several people lately who have been disinherited and they have survived and life goes on. Forgiveness means cancelling a debt. I think she owes me for parenting her as a child, for supporting my disabled sister all my life till her abuse became a severe threat to my mental health. My parents didn't care. They said "forgive and forget" and "sign these papers for the Hansen fund so that you'll be responsible for her financially, we don't hear or see the fact that you have absolutely no relationship with her". I pray to embrace and learn all the lessons God has for me from my mother's negative example. I pray to let the money go and I pray for a peaceful, loving relationship with my husband. I pray that I will love, respect and represent God's love to my two adult children and their families and not repeat the destructive patterns of my parents. These are the final gifts. Blessing to all from Bunny

Veronica it wasn't FreqFlyer, was it? I can't find anything about a seizure, but the parents are in their nineties and keen on mulch (and cheap goods, apparently).

Sharyn, I whistled when you mentioned your sister's sleight-of-hand with the "joint" presents. Plain naughty, that is. It's not her money to be generous with, and she needs to get her head round that pronto.

I'm sorry about everyone I haven't caught up with - Emjo, how are things going? - bit it has been a long day and I need to go to bed. Wish you all peace, quiet and co-operative families hem-hem xxx

Margeaux clearly the dementia has more that caught up with me it has over taken me.
You have a husband not a SO.You did not find him in the yard unresponsive having had a seizure.
He did not have a bad reaction to a mixture of pain meds and muscle relaxants following an injury earlier in the week.
So who has parents age 92 and 96 and a dad who needs vast amounts of mulch collected from Home Depot and you are now beyond unloading 20 bags of same.
These parents are considering assisted living "in a few years" dad was also an expert programer but now is so cheap he won't upgrade from dial up.
So someone put me out of my misery and tell me it is not hallucinations and nothing to do with the count of 22 of eosinophils in my oesophagus. normal is 5 I am clearly horribly allergic to some food and it is curdling my brain.
Good bye dear friends if you don't hear from me again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sharynmarie,

I think most of your B vitamins are necessary for nerves, muscles and many other functions. They help with fatigue, too.

Now what I've read about Magnesium.....is the fact that we do need it, especially when it comes to Calcium. Magnesium works in assisting the Calcium to work in our bodies. It's good for muscle cramping, relaxation of the muscles. One really needs it also in terms of the stomach, since it helps in the action of bowel movements. Anyway it's a very important mineral the body needs for bone health, and muscles. Of course.....;.people with kidney problems can have a problem, but this would be in the case they are going over the daily recommended dose. You can look that up. I found some great information regarding this very issue.
"Do You Need More Magnesium?" 10 Signs to Watch for, on Ancient-minerals.com.

Another factor to consider possibly, are the things that can rob our bodies of any vitamin, whether it be a B, or mineral. This would include: Any and all stimulants, the coffee, teas (not herbal), alcohol, tobacco. Also to this end ......tobacco is an inflammatory alongside with the nightshade plants. In the case of stimulants, including sugar it robs the body......because it dehydrates, thereby depleting our bodies of a much needed nutrient. If one spends most of their time inside, w/little to no sun exposure, isn't good, because then we lack Vit. D, also a very necessary component to bone health.

Anyway, do try to read this article, I found it to be very informative.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Veronica,

Have you mixed up a post to someone else, this doesn't apply to my husband.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn-
If the POA is setup that sister is not available, then, YES! Finally guardian told me as much, notified sister by e-mail, no response. It will all come back, gotta believe in Karma. My Mom's POA has a section Successor, that states, if first listed is unavailable, then second is POA. Most dys sister is third..

Mom's DPOA is setup the same.

Oops...and as you said ..they want the inheritance.

I also am second on my mom's DPOA if sis cant do it. I have always seen to my moms care when she got sick even before the dementia sine I live in town. I continue to do that now. The only time my sis took it over was after mom gave us the copy of the DPOA and sis got on a power trip would not let me do what I had been doing all along plus mom was not having any Alz then. So I backed off. In a short time sis could not handle it, didn't like taking the time off work and had no patience for mom. I went back to doing it. Mom's. Dr works with me even though I don't have MDDPOA. the care facility calls me first as well. If it came to a major emergency... I don't know if the hospital would work with me until sis arrives. Since she very seldom answers her phone..has no cell phone...does that mean that sis is not available and being second..I can step in and make the decisions? That is a question I have in the back of my mind. Well get to get ready for work..have a good day.

Glad-that is appalling to say the least! If mom needs new hearing aids, she should get them. If sis has qiestions, she should be willing to go the the appointment and talk directly with the technician instead of refusing to cooperate with you. I have seen it so many times on this site where sibs are DPOA but doing the hands on care and they refuse to give money for the care of the parent or give very little. I think it is partly a power trip

Sharyn, you bring up an interesting point about, what I think is recognition, that POA's want. Maybe it is praise, appreciation, whatever it is, or carrying through on a responsibility that they accepted years ago when the situation with parent was very different. As an example, 15 years ago my mom put the trust together, had POA's drafted, etc. At that time my sis was helping mom with many things, and she lives in town, so at that time it made sense. I understand why, especially in my situation, I should not be DPOA, I am second in line. But the medical POA is also sissies, and she does not feel that since I am the one that cares for mom on a daily basis, that she should have the MDPOD. That line of thinking I don't understand and think the child doing the most caring should have the MDPOA. My mom's POA has a section "Successor Agent" that also lists me second. As Successor if sis is not available, then I become POA. Sis has never taken Mom to the doc that I am aware of, and when Mom is in hospital for a few days she may come to see her once for a few hours. Now I've gone off on a freaking tangent.

POA responsibility is first and foremost to provide funds for care, this responsibility becomes even more important if that person is also successor trustee if there is a trust. They have sole power and control over the finds. But they are to request withdrawals on a monthly basis for care. They also control what gifts are given and to whom. I can see where the POA would experience appreciation from recipients of the gifts. One really screwy thing that happened here along those lines was when I told sis that mom needed new hearing aids. This was almost two years ago now and sissies response when I told her was that mom's current hearing aids should last the rest of her life. They we're about 5 years old at that time and the volume adjustment in them had been maxed out and mom's hearing was progressively getting worse. Sissie instead wanted to take the hearing aid money to distribute gifts to each of three sisters. I really came back on her on that one! Told her mom needs new hearing aids, the house needs maintenance, you are concerned how mom is going to pay for care, and YOU want to distribute gifts?! Well she turned her back on me and stormed out. Good riddance! But the selfishness, to deny mom the things she needs and in the same discussion plan on a gift distribution?! Absolutely appalling! Six months later mom finally got those new hearing aids thanks to a breaking one, which naturally Sissie wanted repaired/replaced. Even called and complained to hearing aid place that mom should not need new hearing aids and she will run out of money, etc....

She has done things that are absolutely unbelievable to say nothing of illegal. If this ever gets to hearing she will not look good at all. There are many incidents just like this, has told numerous people that she has an inheritance coming, so mom should receive free care.

Margeaux. How is your SO? Having a seizure is very worrying even if the Drs think the cause was mixing meds. Did they check him out for a stoke? I don't want to frighten you but a seizure at the begining of a stroke is not uncommon. if they did not keep him in the hospital you need to watch him very carefully for signs of a stroke for the next few days and don't hesitate to take him back to the ER. Time is off the essence here. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but this is very important

just read my post - we have to evict our son's girlfriend...not our son! yikes!

Glad,

You're welcome! In Spanish we'd call someone like your sister a '"sin verguenza,"
which means someone with no shame.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~I can understand how you feel about looking for furniture with your hubs. I dread looking for anything for our home when hubby is paying for it. His attitude is that it is his money so he should have the power and control. I have 4 more months to pay off my car...when that happens, I will have an extra $350 a month from my paycheck to save for what I want in our home. Hardwood flooring for starters, LOL! I give him some choice when I am paying, but hey...according to his family....who ever is paying the most or making the most has the power. Hubby like everything beige, I want splashes of color. Our home is small, the carpet in the livingroom is very dark brown...hubby was taught you never change anything and he applies that to furnishings as well...it makes everything so much darker and smaller where I want to make the space look more open and larger...so we round and round all the time...once hubby even walked out of the store we were in because I would not give in to him. He also wants everything very masculine...that is how his parents house was/is even when his mother was living. I find that for us, it is easier for me to save up my money so I can have some say so as well and it works.

Glad this is behind you now and no more stressing over it. It sounds like what you picked out is a very nice piece. Enjoy it!!
Hugs to you!!

CM~I can see how frustrating it is for you as the person caregiving for your mother. The money is for her care...how much your mother has, I don't know and I'm not asking, but it makes you wonder what is in the POA's head when they err on either side.

I can't help but think with my sister, it is more about making herself look good to the family as she has grandiose ideas about herself. By gifting $50 for a shower gift and adding what she can afford, makes it look like it all came from her since my mom will never know or understand and all the thank yous go to my sister. In other words, it puts her in the lime light which she craves. I have no problem with sis giving what she can afford (which is minimal) but it comes directly from her and I see that as being real.

I think I may mention to her that it is not necessary to give gifts to family members at this point from mom. No one excepts it due to her illness.

When I take mom to get a hair cut and color...I pay the tip because sis will only give me enough for the cut $20, plus the $55 for the color and a $5.00 tip...I give 15%, $5.00 for $75 worth of work is rather insulting. I tell her not to worry about the tip.Heehee!!

Hugs to you as you struggle with your sister♥

Margeaux, thank you for your message. Yup, when this all started nearly three years ago now sis says they would pay me $50.00 a day. I don't remember any discussion about an amount, but I would have laughed at that. I did tell her I would care for mom for several months but wait to see where this goes and revisit in a few months. About a year later was when she saw moms attorney for an agreement until she found out this would cost her inheritance money.

Sharyn - you're right about the gifts. I can see what your sister's trying to do: you know how it is, the classic comedy when Grandma hands the hulking teenage boy an old sixpence and tells him to treat himself and expects him to be thrilled… Your sister's trying to make your mother's presents meaningful in today's inflation-infested world. But she's wrong. If she were still handling her own money, your mother would be HORRIFIED at the price of things and would snap her purse shut before you can say "cost of living, dear Mama." And we're supposed to carry on as the incapacitated person would, aren't we? Just don't forget to tell the little ones not to spend it all at once!

I have the problem in reverse, my sister errs on the frugal side and I do have to zip my mouth shut about it. Actually, between you, me and the forum I think she's a total meanie, but I wouldn't say so to her face. Thinks: sometimes there's a reason why rich people stay rich...

On the other hand, my mother's spending was - well, not crazily out of control, but definitely eccentric. So my sister can argue with some reason that she is acting in mother's best interests by licking things into shape.

Cmagnum,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your stepmother. May her spirit soar very high!

I am also very sorry for your step dad, and how he is taking the death of his wife.
It must be very, very difficult for someone with the kind of health conditions he has to understand all of this, then the transitions he will be making.

Yes, this thread is still alive and it has served many, thanks to you.
I will keep you in my thoughts Cmag, to assist you in any and all the challenges you are facing with your stepdad. I'm sorry that such sad news is what brought you here, however, I do hope that you come here and give us an update, whenever you want to.

Big Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

The last few weeks have been nutty for me. We got rid of a very old sofa couch.
We'd looked in furniture stores, and even on Craig's list for a new one. I had no idea how much work it is to select a new piece of furniture! So here were were going on week 3 w/o a couch.

In the interim....we'd moved our beat up Futon bed from the bed room to the living room, and folded that up into a couch to use. But then, of course since we sleep on that opened it up. This was driving my husband crazy, as well as myself, since the Futon-couch style is very uncomfortable to watch tv on. All of this, plus some indecisiveness about different couches we've seen had been causing tons of stress between my husband and me.

My husband was being impatient and pushy about getting a new couch.
So we took about a week's break from looking at furniture. Yesterday, he says
he wants to go look at furniture. I was dreading it! We stopped by the Salvation Army that we donated our old couch to, to look whether they had it out on their showroom floor, curiosity. Well Salvation Army also has a smaller storefront next to a big one. The small one is a bit higher priced, w/antiques. We thought we'd pop in before going to some other furniture stores. My husband saw a couch. We measured it, measurements were good. The color is neutral. Anyway, he was really liking this couch. At first......I had some doubts. But what I like about it, compared to new ones we saw.......this piece is more classic, and the construction of these pieces IMO, are better than some new couches I've seen up to now.
We bought it! It cost us $325 + $35 delivery. This was great......the new ones we'd seen were all climbing over 1,000.00. I'm so happy that this furniture hunt is somewhat behind us. It's just too much for my brain!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Joan~I hope that my mom's finances are such so that my sister has no say when mom passes, I don't think she does. My concern with my sister is she is too eager to spend my mom's money such as in gifts that my mom would give in small amounts like say $10 or $20 check...sis is wanting to give $50. Should I tell her not to do that because mom would not do that, it makes me very uncomfortable with what she gave my daughter for the babies shower. To be honest, I feel she should not be using the money for gifts at this stage of where our mother is at.

Alison~From what I understand about B complex, is that B1 and B2 help with muscles and nerves so I am thinking that may be why I feel some relief. I have not tried the Magnesium, some concerns from what I have read..saying to consult your dr as there are serious side effects...I am a little afraid to try it. I am thinking of trying glucosamine/condrotin (sp) as my dr did say that it works but not with all people and those who are helped have good results...I could have arthritis going on as well since I have osteoarthritis in my neck, it could be in my lower back as well.

Have a good day!

Glad,

It looks like you have several layers of dysfunction going on with the conservator, attorneys and then your sisters. The fact that your sister would instigate the issue of you being paid, then after being told by people in the profession how much caregiving costs, "Oh my!" It sounds a bit schitzophrenic.

You continue to be in my thoughts, Glad, and know that you are doing the best job possible.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

CMag~I am sorry to hear about your step-mother. It must be very hard on your father dealing with her passing and his own decline.I hope you are able to help him see what he should do for his benefit. Getting back into caregiving for your father is another journey and one you probably would like to avoid given your step-sister has POA. Hugs to you and your family and hope to you hear more from you.

Looloo,

Regarding your brother, don't fall for it. We've often heard here on this thread about the sibling who has issues with drugs/alcohol. Many have also posted about a co-dependent son/daughter who can't seem to dis-engage financially speaking from their relatives. This happens unfortunately because families keep enabling them. So, stay strong and don't fall victim to feeling guilty.
Boundaries!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux