The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Countrymouse,

I had to backtrack to your post about the ex, and your concern for his health.
When my husband had an Inguinal Hernia procedure back in Sept., 2013, he was sent home with a catheter. Of course, I was doing everything in my power to help him. It was rather a surprise to him.....he was sent home w/the catheter, so adjusting to it was hard for him, as well as for moi! Then, just keeping him on the couch making sure he was tended to, was difficult for me. He's a whiner, "oh did I say that?" "Yes I did." HAAH! He got quite rude with me, and although I did take it a few times, I finally spoke up, too. Unfortunately, I guess whenever we've had history with someone, they somehow think we do become their stressball.
You have a great attitude about your ex, and it looks like you want to help, but I'm sure have your limits, too.

Yes, my sister thinks she can divvy up mother's assets, before she's gone.
I completely agree that it is very disrespectful. This is one of the main reasons that I was asking about the legal implications. Thanks a bunch for the insight, I really appreciate it.

Walt Whitman was on to something!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison,

You've been going through quite a lot with your dad with the prostate issue he is having. I really feel for you. I think I wrote about the fact that my brother had this.
He did have the prostectomy procedure done 2 yrs., ago and up to now I have not heard anything else about it. This was after he'd had two rounds of having a catheter in, too.

Who are these people that you are emailing regarding your dad's condition, if I may so politely ask. If you feel paranoid, or that they will gossip about it......
why give them details. Unless, it's really people who have had the same issue, and you are trying to get some information about the procedure, or are genuinely being supportive of you, IMHO.....it should be none of their business. I realize that current day, many people have no problem talking in great detail about the colonoscopy they've just had, etc., but sometimes I think this is just too much information. Maybe it's time to set some boundaries about this matter.
I remember when my brother was going through this, he thought one of our closer cousins to the family found out. I could tell by his reaction that he felt embarrassed about something of such a personal nature.

Anyway, my point is to protect yourself, try to be very selective of who, you will share this information with.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Ok lots of POA talk and executor responsibilities - all trusts are different - this is what I learned with my parents - if there is no will - it is stickier as if is up to the executor to distribute. Usually a POA can't get paid, but if you are the trustee you usually can. Get an attorney to read your responsibility of be the "chosen one". Which btw is not a blessing! In my case - I will always be my brothers keeper, I can pay myself within reason per as trustee, the trust in our case is to go on and on in the family, perpetual trust. If you do misuse funds you can be sued - and in my case, loaning money etc while my mother is alive. Funds are for her and her care. It is not a fun thing to be us. My parents trust is 50 pages and my durable POA is 12! Good thing tho - the trust can pay for attorney fees. Looloo - get a new attorney. Mine didn't call me back. I have a great CPA and asked her for a recommendation - expensive - but worth it!

I am once again fallen off the grid and just read looloo's comments about her brother. Odd that we with narcissistic parents also have alcoholic/drug addict sibs...well not really - we all cope the way we cope. I have had a heck of a few weeks and trying to catch up with everyone. Funny how things go good for a while then the flood gates explode. I have been so crazy busy with work the last few months and haven't been down to see mom OR my daughter and grandsons. So a catch up - and would love some input. Haven't heard from my brother in 6 months - he hasn't seen my mother in maybe 3 years. She was mad at me and emailed his wife, who she hates (calling in the flying monkeys) and he finally decided to see her. Oh by the way - also wants to borrow $15,000. Told him he had to ask her and I would talk to the lawyer and for them to write out a payment plan for the attorney to see. In the mean time - oldest son (31) decides for sure to get on a cod fishing boat in Alaska - so prep for this. See mom after 5 months - ok for 20 min then she gets mad - wants OUT of there and ends up tossing her lunch I brought her in my lap. Bye bye! See the lawyer (no word from brother dearest) said absolutely NO way - it is a misappropriation of funds and they could sue me later even if they are the beneficiaries - so be careful out there all you trustees.

So last week - lawyer on Tues & find out son leaves wed for Alaska. Send out text to all 4 kids that dad's bday BBQ ( on wed) is on hold and get about 4 frantic texts from daughter - she is going to rush up to say goodbye (3 hrs) and is drunk and crying (???). Thinks it is the deadliest catch. I call her - ends up a fight - calls me worst grandmother ever and I am too busy spending all my moms money. Wow - really? I hang up... Take son to airport, have bday BBQ for hubby with other kids, have to evict son who left girlfriend who he broke up with. And now we have 3 houses to take care of and 4 dogs. Needless to say...called my counselor again. Sorry this is so long....

Hrm, I learned a new word. "Confabulation" is a good one, sandwich, accurately describes something my father does too, from time to time.

Locascio - I wish I had advice. Let me sleep on it. And I'll bet others will have something for you very soon.

Cmag - sorry about loss of your stepmother. I guess its true to say that none of us make it out of this alive, and I'm glad her suffering has ended. Good luck going forward with getting dad to be open to a move when the time comes very soon. I do realize its so hard on these elderly to be open to such big, unknown changes... they just want to hold tight to whatever it is that they know, even if the move/change will be better situation for them.

Emjo - your words about how if only your mother would take the antipsychotic meds, she could live out her life with some dignity... that made me very sad for your mother and for you. The destruction that PDs cause in relationships and in the person themselves is awful. For all the hell and hassle she's put you - and everyone - through, still, in this place of old age in her life, anyone would want a dignified existence for her. You're good to try to advocate for her but nothing more that you can do. Its unfortunate. Its also reality. Its why detachment is so critical, methinks.

Waxing philosophical because I'm sleepy. :-) G'night all. (((((hugs)))))

Comic Relief: The charge nurse on my mom's unit at the care center called me yesterday to let me know mom had found a permanent marker and drawn all over her arms. And somehow cut herself with it. Marker. Just like a kid.

Mom had an interesting week aside from the new "tattoos". She decided not to talk to staff anymore. Refused meds and refused to go to meals. Her BP went up to 235/86 at one point, so she got a carriage ride to the ER. She loves riding in the ambulance. Of course she was sweet as a peach there, ate a meal, took her meds, put on a real show. When she got back to her room, she went right back to the silent treatment and refusing everything. Fine.

I told the nurse to ignore childish behavior that isn't dangerous, try to treat the cut, and good luck! That's mom - the pickled peach. Or pickled prune.

The oh so helpful doctor from the ER told me that maybe I ought to just move mom if she's not happy where she is. I was dumbstruck. I should have asked this doc if she knew what the word confabulation means. Or suggested back that maybe she just stick to the medical part of this whole thing. Grump!

Hello!
I'm pulling my hair out :(
We, as in another oddly functional family, just moved my mother 86, to a downstairs apt.
While this was going on I read a docs note stating she has dementia/Alzheimer's type & should not be alone. I live in SC & she's in N.Y.where our extended family has been trying to get her into Assisted Living for years.
I questioned if the relative who took her to the Dr asked her to note that. Up until 2 mos ago mom's sister was still living, I'd visit as often as possible, staying a week at a time in a motel.
Each day, I'd pick her up to shop or visit relatives. She'd be dressed & waiting on time, door locked, etc.
However, even though she's in same apt complex, she's forgotten her phone no.
We were out when her Dr called to say she had a brain tumor!
I extended my stay to take her for 2MRI's & to see a neurosurgeon. He didn't feel this tumor was affecting her memory or her eye problems (she has occasional double vision, blurry vision & watery eyes) I've recently taken her to ophthalmologist who said her eyes were "awesome" & corrected to 20/30.
I considered moving to N.Y.part of the year, judging from how independent she's been till now.
However, that's not an option any more. She refuses to leave N.Y. & her brothers who are 84.
I could see she would need extra help at her new apt, so I called in a nurse to evaluate, a social worker & hired an aide for several hrs a week.
Her money will not last forever & we were told by elder care att. to put in a trust. The trust is only 6 mos old.
Am also getting her local chapter Alzheimer's get involved as well as meals on wheels.
I came home sick, but haven't stopped long enough for my head to stop spinning!
Any advise (or comic relief) is appreciated.

Hi, this is a drive by update. My step-mother died two weeks ago and I went to her memorial service yesterday with my dad. I went up the day before so that we could visit. He kept forgetting who I am and would talk to me as if I was his only living brother. He even introduced me to others as his brother. However, he did not have such confusion with others. He is very defensive about his meds in that he will not let his helpers assist him with his pill box or with making sure he's had his meds.

My step-sister is my dad's durable and medical POA. She has arranged help to be at the home during the day, but dad is home alone at night. His wife's death from a 5 year battle with pulmonary fibrosis has hit dad hard.

While he knows on one level that he needs to move into assisted living and has already picked out a place, he says that he is not ready to move. I can understand that for to move now would be one more loss after a very big loss.

My step-sister informed me that she wants me to talk with my dad in a few weeks to help talk him into moving. She's not sure how long this living at home with help will last and she can't spend the night over there. She would rather that my dad listen to me and be wiling to move to assisted living than her forcing him to go as his POA.

While I'm sorry that my step-mother is dead, at least her suffering is over and I am glad that she died before my dad did. So, with her dead and my mother dead, it looks like I will be a bit more involved in my dad's life than I have been.

I'm glad to see this thread continuing to do so well and that more and more people find this thread to be helpful.

Take care. Love, hugs, prayers for all.

Alison - glad your dad made it safely home. Maybe he will be more active now.

As long as I can get my stuff moved from the front, the rest can stay where it is. I thought we could use the trailer for storage till the basement was done, but there seems to be some confusion as to whom it belongs.

Busy day! After sleeping in, I made soups and chili, washed the kitchen floor, cleaned out the frig veg bins, folded laundry, disinfected the waterpik, and am burning mother's old bank statements etc. and sorting out one of her annuities. They want to know if she is still alive!

I have had another call from a church lady acquaintance of mother’s who said mother asked her to call me to get a list of the clothing I brought, as she didn’t get it. I suppose she thinks someone stole it. The other day, the social worker said that some of it was still being labelled with mother's name. I can see that, predictably, mother is finding more things to be agitated about, and the ripples are spreading. This lady also said that mother told her that she was in a closed unit with mentally ill people and she didn’t belong there, as she was not mentally ill. I suspect I will be getting phone calls from various church people now – easier than phone calls from mother.

cm - wouldn't it be nice to have cooperation from sibs instead of antagonism or indifference - sigh

I am sad that the plan of the community psychiatrist hasn't panned out. She wanted mother to get the drug one way or another as she knew it was the only thing that would settle her. Then she could have stayed in her ALF and, as the psych said, "Lived out her life with dignity." I am afraid that is not going to happen. She is, and will be when she is moved, in a closed unit with people who, mostly, are more physically disabled than she is, and are also mentally ill. Her freedom is restricted, and her environment is much less desirable. Unfortunately, as she will not take the antipsychotic, that is her situation. I know if I had moved her where she wanted to be moved, the same thing would have happened, as the dementia will progress. When my sister finds out what has happened, which I suspect she will eventually, you know she will blame me and say if only I had moved mother she would be fine. Oh well, denial is great.

I don't recall situations like this when I was a child. People got older, and then got physically ill and died. The ones that I knew even 20-30 years ago that lived into their 90s retained their minds.

Hard seeing this happen.

Well, my father made it home ok. But he said he tried to call me and no one answered. I asked him, are you sure you called me? He said yes. But there is no record of a call on my cell phone. So... he likely got the number wrong. Its a small problem since its not often he is out of house or away from me, but makes me realize I can't count on him remembering the number.

Hmmmmm. Lots going on here in DYS thread. I spent last couple hours to read and catch up. Lots of discussion around POA/MPOA and what those responsibilities entail. This is a relevant topic for me, too, as my older bro stated a couple of years ago that he would like to be "dad's guardian." What my father needs at this time is a POA/MPOA. I'm all too happy to let brother - who has always felt himself to be most able/competent of us 3 siblings - to have that role. But the thing is - he hasn't done it! And I keep reminding him, nicely and gently every 6 months or so, that it is something he needs to do ALREADY.

Camaryllis - so much going on in your home and with regards to FIL and MIL's needs. The POA docs aren't hard to do, you could likely do a DIY version by downloading form from internet, completing, and taking to notary. The better way is to find Elder Atty in your area and have them do it since they would know state laws, etc., better. But the DIY version would be something... it may help you get proper access to their checking accounts so you can do the finances. And I completely sympathize and echo that there is nothing about caregiving to elderly that isn't without 10-20 complicated steps. Its very time consuming, it does seem like it takes so long to accomplish the smallest of tasks... when you're first starting out... you're in the toughest place right now. Its all so new and you're figuring it out. Hang in there!

Glad - I echo the part about weird dreams. I've had them a lot in past several years I've been caregiver. I read online its related to stress in some way.

Sandwich - thanks for that term of "transactional relationship," that's a good one. And thanks, Countrymouse, for making me ROFL with your follow up that it does, indeed, sound so much better than "selfish b*st*rd." I concur.

Sharyn - I found your post about taking B vitamins for pain very interesting. I always thought Magnesium was taken for muscle pain. I got that bit of info from a masseuse lady years ago plus if you look at what is in Epsom salt for baths, its magnesium salt. And then you said something else about the sciatica pain you get, and I had a lightbulb moment where I said to myself, "maybe the pain I get is also somehow contributed to by nerve pain, not just muscle pain..." Anyway, just went in kitchen and took some B complex vitamins... ;-) I hope things at work smooth out for you soon.

Jacqui - I agree with emjo, that maybe you should consider calling local elder social workers about conditions your mom is living in. They will likely go in and appraise your mom's living situation. If they feel its unsuitable they can then tell your sis what needs to be done. Also, you said there IS money for caring for your mom? What about getting a hired caregiver to come in 2-3x per week to do mom's bathing and keep her on track with medications? These visits from hired CG can be only a few hours, and not a big expense, just something to help with mom's needs right now. Another thing: how is your mom's mind? Can you trust what she reports to you as gospel fact or is it possible she's getting confused? It sounds to me like she isn't being looked after very well, either, but when you have an 81 yr old who is forgetting her meds, its likely she doesn't remember exactly when she is fed, either... rather than you trying to determine situation, maybe time to call in professionals to have a look.

Emjo - you've been through a lot. Sorry some young dude decided it was fitting payback for your kindnesses to dump furniture and assorted things around your house. That person isn't very nice. I'm glad they aren't in your house anymore. Hope your drama settles down to a tolerable level. I have to pack up and haul out a bunch of random items from basement here, too. I'll use you as my inspiration. You had much more than I do to go through and you got it done. You deserve a medal. (((hugs)))

Hugs all around. Its a gorgeous Saturday here. I had the SHOCK - THE SHOCK - of my life when I got up at 9am or so and found a note on kitchen table that says - "Hi - Went downtown (Loop) to look for some books. I'll call you later. Keep dancing... Love, Dad." He wrote time of 8:30 in corner of the note, so I just missed him, but still... Who IS this person and what have they done with my dad who never gets out of bed? I'm not too worried about him, I've quizzed him many times about "what is my phone number" and I have him recite it to me, so I know he knows it and knows how to ask kind strangers if he can call me using their cell phones. But this is the first time in 3 years he's shown this kind of self-motivated action... I really don't quite know what to think. But at the end of it all, as long as he makes it home safely, its a great activity for him to flex his independence and mind, of course.

Groan. Margeaux, what your sister is planning sounds a lot like divvying up the estate before the passing of the person whose estate it is… which is just… revolting. But sadly not as uncommon as you'd like it to be. It's as though people think: well, so-and-so will get this once she's gone, so he might as well have it now, what's the difference? And some otherwise quite nice people seem to fall into that thinking-trap, too. You wish you could get them to see what they're doing; it's SO disrespectful to the parent, quite apart from the legal issues. Sigh.

Christine - if your FIL's mind is truly not in working order, at all, then POA is a lost cause: you'll need to think about applying for guardianship. Others can advise better than I can on that. Honestly, please give yourself more credit. It takes most people years to get the hang of doing the caregiving job well and you have got off to a brilliant start. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't all go perfectly.

Jacqui kudos to you for supporting your sister. Expect resistance on issues where she fears criticism (even if there isn't any coming from you); but you're absolutely right that the living situation sounds too risky. Your sister might feel that change involves admitting defeat, or letting them down in some way; but the way you're rolling up your sleeves and getting in there in practical ways sounds terrific. I wouldn't mind my siblings' 'helpful advice' so much if they actually took part!

Welcome ag8080 - sounds like you do have a lot of dysfunction in the family. Trouble with sibs is common here. Unless you are very obviously ill, or incapacitated, I find that some people do not believe that you are. I am sorry your husband is not more supportive of you, but it sounds like he is helpful to your mum. Have you kept any kind of a record of the money you have spent? Maybe keep a record for a few months and share it with your bro. It sounds very unfair. Might be an idea to get your mum in for an evaluation to see if she is in early dementia. Could you get a statement from your doctor about what you are and are not capable of? I am not surprised you are angry, all things considered. Try to let the guilt go – you have gone above and beyond for a long time and have nothing to feel guilty about. I have a feeling that all these negative emotions are hurting your health. Do something just for you – every day if you can, even if it is something very small.

Hi marymember and welcome. I saw on your profile that your wife has Alz. I am sorry. I also am sorry about your son’s situation. The baby may have been affected by the drugs her mother took during pregnancy. Has your son taken his daughter to counselling? Cutting is a serious business. Does his wife have any medical/psychiatric help for her mental illness? I know it is not easy as my mother has suffered from a personality disorder all her life and has rejected help. The mother’s (your dil) illness may have affected the baby too in terms of their interactions. Your son has a big load and I can see that it concerns you. I can only emphasize that professional help for all concerned may bring some relief. It sounds like both mother and daughter are quite depressed.

Alison - good insight. The continual put downs do wear on us. Rant away. I am so glad that you are finding that the new doc is making sense and the two of you are on the same page. Re the updates to family, I have found that the dysfunctional family members – my sis in particular, eventually use what you send them against you. The “good guys” in the family say thx for the update or give no feedback at all. I have drastically cut down the updates. If anyone is interested they can ask and I may or may not answer, depending who they are.

Loo – keep up the good work. You are doing so well!!!

Cm – re POA and will - exactly!!!

Jac – it does sound like a far from ideal situation, in fact possibly not safe or at a good enough standard for your mum and bro. Are there no resources for someone to come in and help your mum daily with bathing etc.? It does sound like your sis is doing what she can. I know it takes a toll. I am 76 and have to look out for my stress levels and health in general. The adult day care for you bro sounds like a great idea. Can you talk to your mum’s doctor about getting some aid during the day while your sis is at work? Maybe the local agency on aging or social services would have some ideas. I think that is too long for you mum to be alone with no help. Bless you for looking out for her

Chris – it really is getting out of hand, isn’t it? I think the changes are just the disease – maybe with some triggers, but you can’t anticipate/avoid everything that may be a trigger. Sounds like an NH is in order. The POA is just a document that usually a lawyer draws up. The person has to be competent to sign it. Do you think fil is? You and/or your hub need to get this done asap. One should be done for mil too in anticipation that it will be needed later. There is medical and also financial POA. I believe there are forms on line, but they may have to be notarized. Check your state laws/regulations of post a question about it on this web site as others here may know. Hope things get moving soon. This is very stressful for you. I know.

Marg, I believe that your sis would be seriously overstepping her boundaries – in fact, abusing her role as POA. Boy, that bro is sure being enabled isn’t he? Some dysfunction there!!!

(((((((((hugs))))))))) to everyone –and remember to do something good for you

Emjo,

Thanks. This is exactly what I thought, that if a my sister's attempt to liquidate property, it would have to be for my mom's benefit. The way she put this idea to me was more in the flavor of.....something like since she anticipates a portion that our brother would be inheriting-$$, then in other words whatever dollar amount given him say before mom passed would just be deducted as his share later. But you see, this is where IMO, my sister oversteps her boundaries.
She's of the thinking also, since she lives w/mom as a the one who caregives the most of the siblings, she's saving the money that would have gone to placing mother in a nursing home. She also seems to think having made this decision has saved us some money in the long run. However, I think she's jumping the gun a bit. One can never know even having an elder at home, what other costs one could incur. I'm not sure if she's figuring in the paid help, of which she has all week long, while she's at her job. My gut instinct, is I smell cluelessness, and arrogance on her part. My own feelings towards my brother are that he's already taken enormous amounts of money from our mother when he was the POA.
So, I do feel for him that he could lose his job, but not so sorry at times for his dilemma as to how he's going to get out of his debts.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Ah, another bad night. Charles took FIL to the doctor today. FIL has been going to the VA for care for the past decade or so, and has not gotten consistent care there. So while he is physically fairly healthy, his mind is just gone. He has been peaceful for the past couple of days, but tonight he is aggressive. Maybe because of the change of going to the doctor? The doctor recommended a NH. (in New Hampshire, haha) I have to figure out how to accomplish this, and how to get the POA thing. Charles is supposed to be taking care of that but is not making much progress. Anyway, I want to hide my head under the blankets, but can't. I just bought some new drapes for the dining room, figure if he can't see that it is daylight maybe he will go to bed earlier. Wah.
Thanks for listening,
Christine

Emmo ~ Mom is now 81, going on 82 this July. I guess because I come visit every six months or so, things always look worse than before. My sister is doing the best she can, but I'm just not happy with the living arrangements. Mom & my brother need help with daily living activities. When I come, I'm giving all I got financially, physically & mentally to make her & my comfortable. I'm 61 next week & this is taking a toll on me. I'm only here for 2 weeks. I'll need to find a way to come back again, sooner than 6 months from now. I found an adult day care for my developmentally disabled brother that's not too far away. We're going to check it out tomorrow. He seemed excited. Mom has been out of hospital for 1 week this Saturday, hasn't bathed, just goes to bathroom, eats, sleeps, moans. She forgets her meds, breathing treatments & doesn't drink enough water. I know she's tired & wants to give up. That's OK. I just feel as if she could live better, if she had more supervision. It's tough seeing her like this. My sister leaves at 630 am, gets home around 7 pm or later. My nephew is in & out. Most times, it's just my mom & brother at home. It scares me to know they are here alone. OK, well venting time is over. Thanks for everyone that understands. I really appreciate your kind words, thoughts & mostly your prayers! Have a blessed day, Jacqui.

glad it helped loo. Absolutely, you are doing the right things. Good for you and don't beat yourself up about it. I am about at the same place with my sis for somewhat different reasons. I will give her notice of significant changes, possibly indirectly through her daughter with whom I am still on speaking terms. That is it. When the time comes she will get her share and, as you say, I will be done with it.

Margeaux whether or not to tell somebody the contents of the will is entirely the decision of the person making the will, the testator. POA ends on the death of the person who has given it, and has no connection with the estate.

Having said that, a child who is entrusted with POA will very often be the same child who is trusted to act as its parents' executor. And the executor will know what's in the will, because he has to agree to act as executor.

But other than that, no one has a right to know. Often parents may choose to tell, but they don't have to.

Emjo, your first paragraph was so wonderful to read, especially this week. My brother who is barely around and has been this way since his teens (we're late 40's now), and also seems to constantly be in financial crisis, called to see if he could get money. I'm pretty new at this whole POA thing, and had been dreading the moment I knew was inevitable, when he would be asking for money. I was incredibly stressed out dealing with him, and then about 24-48 hours later, I had a delayed reaction of absolute RAGE. I did do the ethical and legal thing and said 'no, sorry, I can't, it's not a matter of Dad's will, this is Mom's money, yadda yadda,' but my head felt so clouded and overwhelmed, and I was beating myself up for not being able to help him (which is ridiculous, I know). I reflected later on my deepest intentions, and realized that although of course it's my intention/responsibility to protect my mother's assets, it is my ABSOLUTE refusal to take on the burden of my brother that actually motivated me in that moment. This is one of the unspoken things that is now rearing its ugly head: my brother may not be a textbook case of evil, but he is still a sh-t head, and I will NOT be responsible for him.
I'm at the point now where I the only contact I'll have with him is to give him notice when our mother's status changes. I'll handle all the affairs after that, give him his share of whatever may be left, wish him well, and be done with it.

I just came to some sort of epiphany moment where I realized so much of what makes me unhappy about caregiving to my father is that I get so much CRITICISM from other family. Or even if it isn't present criticism, its my fear and paranoia that they are being critical and gossipy because thats how they've been in the past. So instead of feeling the least bit appreciated or supported by this family for taking care of an elderly, needy member, I feel like I have to do the actual caregiving in spite of them.

I guess this really isn't an epiphany at all that I'm feeling. Its just a realization that nothing has really changed in that area. I dread family interaction and questioning, like they are somehow trying to hold me accountable for my time here at this house and how I'm living my life. Its one of the reasons I was fine with just leaving the geographical area 15 years ago. "The more things change, the more they stay the same"? Something like that...

Rant, rant. ;-)

This is all emotion coming from composing an email to various family about my dad's newest plan-of-action regarding his catheter/prostate issues. I talked with the new doc who spun my head around a bit a week ago with her change of direction, but this new doc and I spoke on phone at length on Wednesday and I feel like she is the most competent of the bunch - and she was able to communicate to me in way I could understand why the other medical verdicts were given, why my dad isn't a good TURP candidate but should still likely go through the procedure, and it all has lifted the weight and I feel like I know what next steps are to take and why. Yay!!!

And I need to do some reading on this thread and catch up with all of you...

Started a post before, lol, here's what I had saved on that one:

Camaryllis - the "help ain't help if it ain't asked for" quote is a good one. I will stock that away. I'm so glad you are on here and posting. It does help to just feel supported at a time when we really need it. You have had a lot put on you out of the blue, it seems like. You are handling it all really well if you haven't "snapped" yet, haha. Hang in there. (((hugs)))

Glad - boy can I relate, somewhat, to the escalation of dysfunction surrounding trusts, guardians, conservators, sibs (in my case it was cousins), and attorneys. I wasn't on AC yet when I went through some issues when I first came to help grandma and dad in July 2011. Immediately I was accused of some ulterior, money/house grubbing motivation when in fact, I only came as a direct response to my father calling me and asking for my help when I was living in California. I had to go through being looked into by social worker, paying for attorney out of my own pocket to fight to protect my father and grandmother, and in the end, a couple hundred thousand dollars of my grandmother's trust money was spent to do things she would've never wanted, never approved of, were not in her best interest, etc. That is just one of the unfortunate parts. I hope your situation can be resolved sooner rather than later, and that you get some assistance from some no-nonsense civil/social workers. Hey, I can wish it for you, can't I? (((hugs)))



I was somewhere in middle of reading from a few days ago, will go back and see what everyone is up to. Happy Friday, its such nice weather here in Chicago, hope everyone is well.

When my son married my daughter-in-law I thought it would be a wonderful marriage. She was able to hide any dysfuntional traits. But as a few years went by, it became more evident.
They tried to have a baby, but all the methods and expensive medical tests and techniques didn't work.
A friend from their church knew of a baby available to just the right family..a baby whose biological mother could not in any way care for the infant, as she had been on drugs during her pregnancy, and actually tried to give the baby away....a baby we all thought were be the perfect solution...and this sweet infant was a God send.....BUT.....as time progressed, my daughter-in-law could not handle such a responsibility.She started signs of severe mental illness which we noticed....then the baby, as she grew, started showing signs of severe attention deficieny...her mental health became a real problem...her ability to concentrate...her desire to be the attention.....her lack of maturity...
Now this baby is 13...maturity level very low....mental health severe...she is cutting herself....
My son is being a father and mother..shows outward love for the child...is trying to do what he can...
marymember

Dysfunction is unbelievable. One brother is troubled and in denial so he can't do much. Another is pushy and controlling and he controls all the medical information, meaning he doesn't tell me things, doesn't answer my emails, and gets sarcastic with me. He tries to push me around and I feel kind of afraid of him. But he does get stuff done. I will give him that. My dysfunction is that I cannot do too much to help my mom, who suffers from advanced congestive heart failure and possibly early dementia (differing opinions on this one .. in any case, it is mild at this point). My dysfunction is due to the fact that I am quite ill. My husband, the son-in-law, I encourage to help her and always have for many, many years. She is now 87. We have been a main financial source of support for her, gotten her on various programs, etc ... all this before she got ill. We have been supporting quietly for 20+ years. In all fairness, she has done a lot to help us, including helping to raise my two daughters. My one brother (the pushy one that gets her to doctors and gets things done better than anyone can) believes that I try to stop my husband from helping my Mom. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I ofen feel guilty asking him to go over there and we both have been there in more than one emergency. I was good for doing quite a bit the first 5 years, but the last two years, illness has taken me over. My brother, the "dooer" says I am a phoney and making it up. I have tried with him, apologized to him for whatever I did that I know not about, and gotten nowhere. My husband does things, but then he takes it out on me. He plays Mr. Nice guy in front of them, but I know an entirely different man. Of course no one believes me. I don't tell my brother about the fact that we have contributed a lot of money, shopped for food and continue to since she got ill 7 years ago , at our expense of course, and that I get her her other needs like Depends, toiletries, and various and sundry things as she asks for them. I know he buys her things too but no where near what we have done. It all feels unfair and today I feel especially angry about it all.
I see changes in her (early dementia I think) because I talk with her daily; they do not see it and/or are ignoring it.
My mother will not have public services come in and help her with food preparation and other things which she is starting to really need as it is getting increasingly difficult to function. We hire someone privately once a week to clean. This bill is one we share with my brother. My other brother is totally broke.
I don't want to tell the pushy brother off and say "look we have been doing for 20+ years .... long before you stepped into the picture. He will do things like call me and tell me to get over to My mom's house and clean up the mess. He also asked me to cook. At that time, I was so ill I could not prepare a meal for myself. Of course I was a liar. Recently I cooked for Mom and she doesn't like my food. We ordered meals on wheels and she hates their food. She can no longer cook. She wants food from the restaurant now .. once a day. Im angry.
My husband already buys her bring in Chinese once a week. Don't know if its the dementia, but she used to be a very sweet woman. Now, all she does is complain to me and yell at me and defend my brothers. They can do no wrong.
Sick and tired and angry today ... and what follows, of course, always, is guilt.

Marg - I don't have the accounting set up properly yet, but have the info I need now. I can do this kind of stuff, but don't like doing it - it's a pain! Excel spread sheets!!! I need to sit down for a few hours and get it set up, then it will be easier to keep up. Re your sis and bro and him needing money, the POA -whatever they do with the money, which can include liquidating assets, must be doing it for the care and benefit of the person involved - in this case your mum. Her assets are for herself only, not for anyone else. Your sis should not be doing anything to help your bro with your mother's money. That is financial abuse of the elderly and abuse of her position as POA. No trust between sibs seems to be pretty common with the posters here anyway.

How did I do it. I packed like a mad w****. Went into the mall a few times to get boxes, collected newspapers from the hotel, got cardboard boxes from the recycle bin in the basement of mother's ALF. Then sorted papers, some for me some for her, some for trash, then started with her clothing, then bathrooms, knick knacks and finally the kitchen. Gary moved the big stuff and then packed up the frig to take the food to the friend where he stays, as it would not survive a trip back here. Now I have to start on the computer room here to get some of the basement stuff into it - e.g. bookcases. Some things can stay on the back deck in boxes as everything there is covered by a tarp. My friend in BC had a water leak about the same time as our sewer back up and their repairs are all done already. We are still waiting for an estimate. Aaargh!

Sharyn - forgot to mention - Glad Vit B is helping your leg/back pain.

Glad - your sibs must owe your mum a pile of money for the lawyers. Makes me shake my head that they think your mum should pay for their lawyers. I can see that the conservator may need legal advice to sort the mess out and I suspect she may charge it to your mum. Good thing your mum has you to advocate for her.

book - I agree re cm.

cm - look after you. If he wants to deal with things himself, so much the better. I know you want to help as you care. It is hard to see someone we care for going through hard times.

loo - good advice - it takes a while, and I am still learning too. My financial advisor is also mother's and he has been a great support and I know I can turn to him.

Got to get at stuff. Next week after the bone graft I will have to be quiet a few days, I believe.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you!

;Margeaux~What I meant to say was that my sister at one time did have the authority to distribute the inheritance to us, but mom changed it after I told her what sis said in regards to our brother's share. This was back long before there were any signs of dementia.

My sister had authority to liquidate only my mother's house (mom has no other properties, which we did and the funds were added to my mother's accounts with the financial planner. Sis can use that money for mom's care when the LTC policy runs out in 3 more years.

Upon my mother's passing, my sister will no longer have access to the money with the financial planner. In mom's savings account at the local bank, is $10,000 set up for her funeral expenses that sis has access to as her name is on the checking and savings account.

I know all this because my mother explained it to both of us after she set it all up probably in 2005. She gave us both a copy of the DPOA after her last update with the attorney back in 2008.In 2009 was when mom started declining mentally and it became clear to us by Dec of 2009 that she had dementia. Official diagnosis was in Jan. 2010 and incapacity was in April of 2013.

Joan~LOL!! I am glad the SW is understanding that enough is never enough for your mother. My mom was the same way until the dementia took over.

Book~{{{{Hugs back}}}}!! Glad you enjoyed yourself at the dinner.

Happy weekend to everyone!

Looloo,

No problem. This is how we all learn. Besides the legal issues are really so convoluted and specialized, just like the medical profession!
There's been much interesting conversation going on lately on our thread.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Yikes, Margeaux! Sorry I didn't understand the story. It sounds like you're actually the lucky one in some ways. You have the worries though, of course, which is not easy. Hugs...

Looloo,

That's thee problem......HAAH!!!!, should I say?????
I am not the POA. My questions about all and any of this come from the angle
that as I posted to Sharynmarie my sister holds that spot, then our youngest brother. They were both named POA's for mom's assets, after golden boy held that spot for about 8 yrs., after dad passed away. But it got revoked by our aunt, now deceased 2 yrs., who was in charge, since her assets were intermingled w/mothers assets, to add to the mix. Golden Boy also held MPOA. Something similar to what someone here posted very recently happened, in that my brother was ignoring mom's and our aunt's care at a time when it became critical, and they were deemed by doctor's they could no longer live independently. He was too irresponsible, incompetent. Instead of hiring caregivers, so mom and aunt could remain in mother's home, he took them 60 miles away to his home. He had/has tons of dysfunction in his home. So our mom and aunt spent the next 5 mos., living neglected by my brother, his wife, and their 4 grown kids. When my sister visited them, she called to alert me as to how these two elderly women looked unbathed. Finally our aunt..... (more mentally functioning one at that time) complained to my sister that they were only being fed junk food. Our aunt and golden boy had it out. So that's how his POA got yanked. POA got re-assigned to my sister, and has since been a micro manager of just about everything concerning mother. But nevertheless, I'm really out of the loop. I am still interested to know how it works, since at times I wonder about my sister's need to control everything. Bottom line......there's no trust going on between the siblings.
My parents employed lots of favoritism, so I know this comes into play now.

Thank you for the explanation. It really helps me understand, more than I do now.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, getting familiar with the rights/responsibilities of being POA is a process. Just get your feet wet, and take it day by day. I still don't feel 100% confident about what I know and don't know, but I'm learning all the time. The people at the bank helped me, just by telling me straight out that, as POA, I'm able to make certain decisions. And based on their advice, and my intention/responsibility to safeguard my mother's finances as much as possible, I did make some decisions re-where to move funds, etc. I've also found a financial advisor, and she's been a great help. My mother's trust attorney happens to very unhelpful, so I've stopped contacting him for most things.

I totally agree Glad. Please ask your lawyer if thee's a way for them to Not be covered by your mom's expenses when both the Conservator and guardian had already deemed that your mom is being taken care of. So, this 2nd round of going to court should NOT be covered by your mom's money. There has to be a way to put a stop to all this. Otherwise, your sisters are going to finish up your mom's money, blame you, and then abandon her to you completely - now that your mom no longer has money (inheritance.)

Sharyn, {{hugs}}

CM, you have a bigger heart to be able to do what you are doing for your ex. Kudos to you. But please know when to step back and when to step in. Juggling ex and your mom and yourself.... there's only 24 hours in a day. =)

Margeaux, the conservator retained an attorney that will be, hopefully, getting her back on track. There are a few different theories why C retained attorney. And it probably is a combination of things. My attorney told me that C's attorney is a no nonsense and good attorney. One of the first tasks is to meet with siblings and their IC attorney to explain the implications of all of this to my sister(s). Not sure how much one was involved in all of this crap but attorney will find out.

If C is hiring guidance in an attorney, I sure hope my mom is not paying for it. But you better believe that I will push for that. And along those lines sibs owe mom plenty for taking this to extremes to protect inheritance. How could they even think that this would be justifiable expenses my mom should pay?!