The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharyn - Is it pain throughout both legs or just one and is it pain or cramps? Do you drink tea?

Glad,

I'm a bit confused. Based on many of the things you've posted about your two sisters, why would you expect any apology from them?

Much Love & Light, Margeaux

Countrymouse,

Sorry for those horrendous grammatical errors.
Margeaux

Countrymouse,

I guess we have our own brand of frustrations with our sisters. Your last post about suggesting having lunch, and she not wanting to do any of it....this is the similar behavior my sister has pulled on me. Many times when she's rounded me up to do a relief caregiving day to cover for her, for she can have some time off, I go w/all the good intentions to make it run smoothly for her, because I do value the input she has over there with mom, on a full time basis, and all of that.
But as time has passed.....I've realized, "Wow! How naive are you," (me).
She then reverts to Ms. Power controller, doing/saying things to me that indicate she thinks she's got me in her clutches. The last time I was there, it wasn't a scheduled relief cg, only a visit. The paid CG was there, and my sister still managed to get me to cover half an hour for the CG, so she could leave work early that day because she was going to her grand daughter's birthday dinner.
I did it, really more for the CG, she's real nice/harding worker. But I too left.....and felt irritated, at first couldn't pinpoint why. I think that in my case, it's just that when we feel we do put our good intentions out there for these scenarios, because we know they're previous behaviors w/us, of exploitation, lack of acknowledgment, appreciation, the list goes on, maybe this is the reason.
I pondered this the next two days, so I know what you're feeling.
I think also, maybe these type of characters in our family just like to pull the stops constantly, because this way they always feel in control.

Anyway, I'm so happy, that you feel this could be close to an apology.
Have fun at the carver's lunch.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

CM, thanks for the giggle, about the bacteria. If life were only as simple as it is on the bacterial level, haha.
Another crazy day. I took the day off as a mental health day and to shuttle MIL to the eye doctor, but my mental health is not any better...wah.
Thanks for listening,
Christine

Sharyn, until things start ticking along nicely it is much better to say things three times over to those people and worry they'll think you're taking the mickey, than just to say it once and risk it. Maybe A and wotsisname are being a bit "funny" with you, but in terms of things getting communicated and getting done at least it works. They'll cut it out once they've stopped having to pretend this situation wasn't their fault to begin with. Stick to doing things properly and methodically, as you do, and just you wait - they'll be grateful to have you there if they know what's good for them. Hope this phase is over quickly.

Emjo - young people never think their parents know anything. There's a wonderful, wonderful Mark Twain comment on it that I always end up misquoting - I'll see if I can find it. But they do value wisdom and experience: it's lovely for this young man (how young??) that he can seek your advice. And I hope to goodness his former colleague hasn't done a runner with the trailer and your stuff - maybe it'll turn up safe and sound where it's meant to be in the morning.

Ex came back from a regional volunteers' awards ceremony tonight in happier mood. He works very hard organising our local youth rugby club, and all prejudice aside he is incredibly good at getting people to do things without putting their backs up. Typically, he'd nominated three people from his club for awards and they all won in their categories. And did anyone nominate him? Nope. But that's not what he does it for. It's one of the things I really do love about him.

He's joined a men's forum - wonder where he got that idea?! - and of course there's a mixed picture there, but I think he's got the sense to weed out the hopeless sad cases and listen to the fellows who can give him helpful advice. He had vasculitis some years ago, now not a problem but apparently it will mean he'll have to inject himself for a couple of weeks post-op to prevent clots. Again I volunteer to get some training in this; again he says thanks but no thanks. Oooookaaaaay. I'm sure he knows what he's doing.

Transactional relationship, eh, Sandwich? Thank you, that sounds much better than "selfish b*st*rd" next time I need to explain why I don't want to see certain people. I remember, around when "The Selfish Gene" came out, my ex-husband showed me a computer programme that explored co-operation and exploitation among virtual bacteria, I think they were. Anyway. You run this programme many times, and every time eventually the co-operative organisms learn which members of the group don't give back, and shun them, and then the exploiters die. Serve 'em right. I wish I was as quick on the uptake as a bacterium, sometimes...

On a positive note...many years ago.......Lol!! when I was a young 30's something...I was having leg pain...it would go away upon activity just like what I am experiencing now just worse. Back then, I came across some info about vitamin B complex for this problem. I started taking B complex about 3 weeks ago...and, it is resolving 70% of the pain in my legs!! My lower back is still an issue, but not like it was before I started the B complex..any one have info on this?

The problem at work is because the b/d manager and "A" think I should know to do this stuff. However, every store is different in how they do things or what they expect. For example, I found out yesterday the b/d manager wants me to slice all the baguettes in the evening, repackage them and put them out on the floor. In almost 6 years with this company, after working at 4 different stores...this is the first store that does this.

Those of you who are more familiar with me know that when I am being berated I go into survival mode due to PTSD from my childhood. "A" is being very difficult because I know she and the b/d manager have talked. Both are being very sarcastic when I ask a question. Anyway on Monday "A" told me that a customer wanted a carrot cake and we only had them frozen. She pulled one out, put it in the back of the bakery to thaw and the customer would be in at 6 to pick it up. No problem...was that too hard to say for her? My thoughts are that her communication to me was keeping me in the loop...am I wrong, expecting to have my hand held? Well she did overkill...she wrote it on the daily activities sheet (DAS), then on the bakers rack she left another note with the cake.

Yesterday "A" was off, as I was putting a deli load away, I ran across a box of broccoli cashew salad...the dressing for the salad was crushed and leaking. My thoughts are that they would need to get a credit from the supplier. I left a note on the deli counter for "A" about this box. Then in the walk-in I taped another note to the said box!!! I wrote on the DAS about the box. Puttin a note on the box in the walk-in is overkill...but all the stores I have worked at communicate respectively without overkill. I really think I am not a good match for their particular politics I am not a combative person. I am not manager material...I am a worker bee. Yes, all of this is causing situational depression for me. Sorry to unload.It is what it is right now.

Christine~I know you are having some bad days. I hope you can get the prescription filled...that is frustrating enough.

Glad~What you are going through with your sisters is such a shame. Sibs and their greed for money. I was thinking about you yesterday when I heard on the radio about Casey Kasem (he has Alz), the bitter battle over control between sibs and his wife.It is just so sad when these issues come into play and rip the family apart. I know that there were problems before as well. Big hugs to you!!
Looloo~I hope your brother was not able to get money from your mother thinking you would be none the wiser. Yes, getting toxic people out of our lives becomes necessary for our mental health. Glad you didn't answer that call, not worth it. Keep your eyes and ears open to what is going on with your mother and her money.
CM~I don't know if I could continue to have a relationship with an ex on good terms like you. Kudos to you for being able. I take things to personal (a problem for me to work on), I do get over it eventually...oh the hazard of being raised dysfunctional...I am way too sensitive to words. You seem to be very well aware. Again Kudos to you...you are a strong person. Hugs!!

sounds familiar sandwich - I will remember that term. Fits mother.

Came home to a mini crisis among the lads in the basement - like I need more drama in my life. Spent this morning discussing his future with the lad (J) who I have known for 5 years now. He seems to think of me as family. While we were away the other lad (C) did some serious drinking and probably more and J tossed him out on his ear. J was on safe ground, as he knows I will not abide that in the house. Their business partnership is kaput, C needs to remove some stuff from our property, but he is out of the house thankfully. I saw it coming a while ago. Now J is rethinking his future and I encouraged him to get work here at the plants, and pay of his debts, then think again about going into business for himself, once he is solvent. He looks to G and I as surrogate parents, though he has a perfectly good set back in Ontario. Or maybe not or he would be on the phone to them. He mowed the lawns when we were away - nice touch.

I sorted through some old photos and will put them away now for a more detailed sort later.

What has this to do with caregiving? Well, today was the day I am supposed to talk with the SW about mother's end of life wishes and her expense account with them, and so on. I find as I get older I can't switch from one task to another as quickly, and need to let my brain settle in between. Someone came this morning and hauled away the trailer with the basement stuff stored in it - don't know if it was the good guy or the bad guy, so I am wondering where my stuff went and will I get it back. The bad guy had some of his things in it, so hopefully he has taken them and the trailer which belongs to the good guy will be back soon. If not I have probably not lost much except my tax returns for the last 7 years, and the company who have been doing my taxes has copies.

None of this is as bad as what many of you are gong through but it is rattling my senior brain.

Think everyone who has come with a problem has had excellent feedback.

glad - the chickens ARE coming home to roost. "eliminating these dysfunctional family members from your life" YES!!!!! Never was any possibility of a collaborative relationship - as with my sis. They are not able - just transactional relationships.

cm - lots on your mind too - ex may need caregiving????? Enjoy your lunch with your sis. Mum is having groundhog days.

loo - asked for money - I don't think so!!! And be as lengthy as you like in your posts.

veronica - good insight about cm and her ex

Sharyn - you have taken the high road with your sis - good for you. Hope your niece does as well as possible with all these procedures. Sorry that you see your mum declining. As far a work is concerned, do your job well - I am sure you do - and cover your butt. Hope you are able to avoid "that" person.

chris - sorry about your impossible day. That sounds pretty heavy. I hope you can get fil back on that drug. Also hope your hubby can help with the va. Your inlaws will only decline, so having options is good. Big ((((((hugs)))))) and take some disconnect time for you. Maybe a cry or a scream would be good.

hi to everyone else - marg, austin, cmag, sorry if I forgot anyone

Going to have a hot bath and compose myself to call the sw.

CM & Looloo - it's called a transactional relationship. There are people out there who only put energy into a relationship when it benefits them.

:( Looloo, people who are that self-centred… I wish I could think of something encouraging to say, but I can't. You just have to take a leaf out of his book, on this particular occasion, and concentrate on what matters to you. After all, that is exactly what he's doing, isn't it?

I can't abide bullies; they're one thing. Your brother doesn't sound like a bully, but he does sound like a people-user - someone who's only interested in you when he wants something from you, and is utterly unreciprocating. Them I put on the back burner until I've got absolutely nothing else to worry about - which may be some time hence...

CM you are a witch!

Heh heh heh Veronica I know this is evil but if I ever get backchat about my driving I just sweetly ask him what his insurance premium was this year? He worked in the Lloyd's insurance market for forty years and knows that those actuaries never lie. Flutter eyelashes...

Thanks, Countrymouse, I appreciate the support, and your perspective on things. While I was in the grocery store this morning, my phone rang. It was my brother, and I let it ring, then tried to answer but it went to voice mail -- which I was glad for. I felt like I 'weakened' by trying to answer it. Anyway, he said "Disregard the earlier call, sorry...I was just panicking, I think I'll be all right."
How did I react to that? I got enraged. All I could think of was how he has NEVER just called or emailed to say "How are YOU?" And this time, he didn't ONCE ask me how I was doing ("oh, you know, husband's income has been in the toilet for the past year, and I've been busy MANAGING THINGS FOR OUR MOTHER, but other than that...") -- he just needed money.
And I was thinking that instead of giving my mother's car to charity, maybe I would just transfer it to him, and he could sell it or whatever would help him. But I don't want him to think for ONE minute that there's more where that came from (not until it's all said and done, and per the will whatever's left will be split). I don't want to open that can of worms. I really am so angry that I want no more contact.

Christine no advice for you today just hugs and sympathy and the same for you Glad, at least the chickens are finally comming home to roost.

CM if it is any comfort to the resident ex my husband had the prostatectomy with the De Vinci procedure several years ago and his tests have been zero ever since. His was an agressive type but luckily no lymph nodes involved so a surgical cure.
No excuse for bad behaviour. So he's bloody minded and"says' he doesn't need your help 'thank you very much" Well less trouble for you and he'd only critisize your driving "Bloody h*ll didn't you see that car" "For goodness sake I've told you a million times that is the high beam switch" "Keep on your side of the road this is not a bloody police car" "and don't forget there is a 30 comming up"...........in four miles!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well keep making the curries especially if you and Mum like them too. Otherwise it's day old toad in the hole for him. doubt they will want to put him under the knife till they track down the arrythmia. (I've got one of those too). Keep smiling and look forward to that lunch - at least you don't have to cook it.

CM, I am a stubborn old broad! The more difficult they have made it for me, the more motivated I become. I think they were actually hoping I would just walk away. I think that is what APS was about, maybe them even hoping I had done something unethical, which would have sent me running. I came into this being very careful every step of the way, knowing that this might be the end result. So, I am good, my anxiety has decreased substantially, thanks to the guardian! Sleeping better, and even dreaming, though they are usually really weird and probably rooted in all of the crap.

Hello all,
I am not doing too well today. Work is stressful, then I come home to more stress. FIL had a bad afternoon/evening yesterday. He was going off about having to go clock out or he wouldn't get paid for his work. Finally I said that the girls in the office would take care of things, and he would not have to worry about it. That seemed to settle him. But I don't always know what to say. And he doesn't just forget about things in ten minutes, he gets all wound up and starts yelling. Added to that he is out of some drug he was taking for the past three decades, for nightmares'. So there is screaming every night. I can't figure out how to get him this prescription, maybe when he goes to the doctor on Friday. But it came from Workman's Comp or something. I am feeling so stressed I just want to burst into tears all day long. Yes, I need a break. Or help. But can't figure out how to get any. VA is impossible. And I work all day so can't call. Charles should be calling, but he is having to work in the mornings before going in too, so he is little help. I am taking it too personally, of course. I need to just step away.
Today I took MIL to the doctor. She complains. Constantly. As if she is not 85 years old, she thinks things should work as they did when she was 20. Her vision is deteriorating. But somehow she now believes that with the new eyeglass prescription she will be able to see again. I am trying so hard to be sympathetic but sometimes I just want to say, darn it, you are old, what do you expect? And I have been patient, patient, patient. They have a pile of bills that need to be paid, too, but I can't get their checking accounts online, because I don't think they have ATM/Debit cards, so it is difficult. As in nothing is simple or straightforward.
Wanting to scream, or cry, or both.
Thanks for listening, I know I will figure this out at some point.
Christine

Looloo I also meant to send sympathy about non-participating brother. I think you just have to let them be, you're right. I've got one brother who dillies around at the edges, thinking he ought to do things, not doing them, half doing them, feeling guilty, resenting feeling guilty, blaming mother for making him feel guilty (she's never said "boo") and generally being as much use as a chocolate teapot while mother continues to worship his image. And another brother who might as well have left the planet; but since that doesn't seem to hurt her so much, and his issues are his problem and nothing I can help with, I just try to let it be. Not very successfully! - but I try.

Looloo, that must have been a bit of a sideways blow, hearing from your brother like that. I won't pry. Hope he's not in the kind of trouble that's going to stress your mother out, though.

The driving process sounds GOOD, though. This way it's the system, it's not you, taking her car away. Sit tight and let it all happen.

Veronica you're right, of course, and especially I've felt a bit rejected about it, having offers to take him to appointments turned down, even lifts to the hospital - he doesn't want me involved, on any level. But then I remember that feeling rejected is not really on the same scale of things as having a tumour in your undercarriage. And yes of course I am worried about him, and I can't help - try not to, but can't help - thinking "ooooooohhhhh boy what if he gets seriously ill and needs caring for…?"

But some uplifting words from my cousin in Canada earlier today - her lovely husband had the exact same type at the exact same stage 18 years ago, opted for prostatectomy, never looked back and is here to tell the tale; so that's a nice story to be able to pass on. Mind you, mostly he's here to tell the tale of a rogue arrhythmia his cardiologist is having trouble running to ground - but that's another matter. As Walt Whitman said, "what we call progress is merely the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance."

I did allow myself one short and to-the-point protest about how bloody rude ex was being. I understand why, but he can find another outlet for all the tension, thanks. I'm not volunteering to be the stress ball. He hasn't done it again.

Margeaux, thanks for your kind thoughts. I know our set-up looks a bit odd from the outside; I've never been great at falling out with people and generally do stay on good terms with exes (once I've got out from under them, so to speak). Mainly because I've been lucky enough never to run into some of the low-lifes, bullies, misogynists and general rat-bags that can happen to anyone, and I count my blessings. I do occasionally think I should clear out some of the clutter (?!), and for example not be remembering the birthday of someone I went out with when I was 14… But, hey, auld lang syne. As long as they're harmless, of course.

And the one who wasn't harmless, who would have led me like so many other people up the garden path thinking "oh, sigh, people can change…" (like h*ll they do)… well, he's dead these ten years. I miss him every day. But I am grateful to have been taught that when someone seems unable to ditch someone who is toxic, it's because it just isn't that simple.

Oh Glad… I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. I don't know how you're not fit to be tied. I had a boss once who, when he was frustrated about something, used to mime tying a noose and hanging himself - cross eyes, tongue hanging out and everything; the man had no sense of his own dignity but he was fun to work for - well, you must have been through far too many moments like that. How many years did you say? Lordloveusandsaveus.

This isn't pertaining to any thread, it's just a response to the "how are you doing" part -- I've been going on with my regular life (working f/t, long-distance caregiving for my mother) for the past month or so. I had submitted the paperwork for the DMV to review and hopefully revoke my mother's driver's license, so I've been rather tense for these weeks as I wait for the response in the mail. A lot of tossing and turning, playing 'war games' in my head over how to handle things with my mother. I had decided what to do with the car, I called a companion assistance company to get the ball rolling w/visits and transpo. On Monday afternoon, my husband sent me a message w/a picture of a letter from the DMV. I got a sick feeling, but braced myself to begin this next stage of things. Then, on my way home, my brother called.
Some background (sorry this is lengthy): He's a year older than I am. I don't have a relationship with him. He's a recovering alcoholic, which is great, but.... he did a LOT of damage in when we were in our teens and 20's (criminal, violent behavior, lots of drug use, jail time), and I honestly didn't see him for years, until my first marriage when I was almost 30. Then, I probably didn't see him again for over 10 years. No calls, emails, no communication -- no hard feelings (well, maybe a few), I wish him well, but this is my preferred way to be now. When my dad died almost 5 years ago, I saw him again, and he seemed to want to re-establish a relationship. This has consisted of an email on Christmas, and email on birthdays, and swapping e-gift cards to one another for the same small $ amount, lol. Ok, fine. I can do that.
With my mother's increasing issues, I mistakenly thought that my brother would want to be more involved, more 'there' for me/us. WRONG. He has 'limitations', and I understand that. And he may need to distance himself from the family crazy in order to keep sober, I get that too.
Which is why I was so upset, as I was heading home to deal w/the DMV letter, that he called out of the blue.
Asking for money.
Not a loan.
Just....Money. A LOT of money.
I think I handled things pretty well. I was kind, I think -- although I told him I couldn't make that decision (my mother is still lucid enough, I think, but we'll see). He said he would talk to her. I'll monitor the bank accounts to see how much, if anything, is given to him.
And, last, I will add my brother to the list of people who will now go straight to voice mail.
Oh--the DMV letter wasn't a revokation of her license, it was a notice that her license is due to expire on her birthday this year (August), and she'll need to come in for a written and vision test. So I'm holding onto it for the next several weeks until the other info arrives.

CM, I too wonder if there will ever be apologies. I have apologized for my part in all of this a number of times. I actually sent e-mail to sisters asking for an apology from them. No response because in their warped minds they have not done anything to apologize for.well, they are about to find out differently! The shock of that will hit them and any hope of an apology from them will be gone. So be it.

Maybe they will watch Part 1 of Teepa and Pizza Gibbons Caring for the Caregiver. They actually talk about eliminating these dysfunctional family members from your life. How much easier this job would be without their involvement in any way. In fact they told guardian that I was keeping mom from them. Guardian has seen so many bizarre behavior, heard bizarre accusations and told so many bizarre lies. Guardian/Sw told me that this was the reason for her demanding I have breakfast here Christmas eve and then spend more time with them at my daughters house. All went as she wanted, not what I wanted, but it demonstrated to her that I would do anything to have a collaborative relationship with sisters about mom's care. All hope of that is lost now as well, but I will continue to do everything needed in Mom's best interest.

Oh CM I was about to say time for another cup of tea but of course it is lunch time for you. how about a glass of wine with that.
Shaking Mum will only make her dentures fall out - you know that.
As far as sister and lunch are concerned. accept gracefully and she may pay the bill.
You won't admit it but that upcomming surgery for the ex is eating away at your feelings and his too. The future will take care of itself. Oh how I wish I was able to listen to my own advice. Hugs

At about the same time I posted about being irritated with myself for yesterday's conversation with my sis, sister was typing this: "Hi I was being a little selfish , if you want to go to a carvers for lunch on Sunday that's fine with me x "

I cannot tell you how weird this feels. That, I think, is dangerously close to an apology, isn't it? So, credit where it's due? And NOW what do I say to her..???

So that's the good bit this morning. The bad bit, left me seething with frustration, was mother's first words on waking, I quote verbatim: "Sorry, I should have been getting up myself."

I know, sad, right? Apologizing for being woken and helped to get up. Like she has no business to expect anyone to care for her.

And at the same time I feel "FOR F**K's SAKE, mother! I have helped you out of bed every morning for more than two years, this is nothing new! And snap out of it, will you? The world does not consider you a waste of space! It is seventy years since anyone last told you that!" It makes me want to shake her.

It also makes me think that a crash course in NLP would do her a power of good. But since I couldn't get her into even rudimentary therapy, not for want of trying, and her vocabulary is teetering on the edge as it is, there's not much hope of that. Oops buzzer - back in a bit.

Lily~Welcome to the thread!! I can relate to what you are posting...fair is fair, right?
My sis who is the primary on our mother's DPOA has always been in need financially. She got pregnant at 17, married her sweetheart...2 kids and 6 years later she divorced him because he was involved in drugs, controlling and abusive. She immediately tied up with a neighbor 2 doors down who was 13 years older than she. My now husband and I saw a side to this man that was very concerning at a Halloween party my sister hostessed. This man woed her with lavish trips, expensive gifts, etc. So she married him 4 months after I got married. He turned out to be the most abusive person, physical abuse and emotional. Again...6 years later my sis was in need of financial help and my parents rushed in to rescue her...again. Immediately upon her husband leaving and filing for divorce...she tied up with another man from a work situation...he again, was another 11 years older. My sis was drinking heavily at this time and so was he. My parents filled her freezer with meat, paid for other things...now my sis never asked for any of this.but our mother was always fighting to win my sister over to her side (much dysfunction due to personality disorder) as sis and mom clashed ...too much alike.

My point is that my sister knew she could always count on our mom for financial help and she used it her advantage. There were many years that my children and my brother's children got less because sis's kids were in need and came first (they were the first grandchildren for my parents).

I could hold all this against my sister due her bad choices and never having to deal with the outcome because mom and dad ran to her rescue. (BTW... the last man she was involved with for 15 years..turned out to have schizophrena.)., but I chose not to. She is the one my mother favored, mom made all the financial decisions and dad went along with it.

I am far from perfect..I have my issues as well having been brought up in a dysfunctional family. I guess my point is...take the high road, grieve your losses and pray that your mother (no matter how she mothered you) is taken good care of, Hugs to you!!

CM, I would love for all of this to be over, close to three years now. Attorneys for almost two years. Unbelievable. It is about to come to a head. Court date in early July and meeting among conservator, guardian, their attorneys, me and my attorney. Seems like I am leaving someone out. Sissies and their attorney are not allowed as they agreed to stay out of the care agreement in mediation. All of this started because sissies wanted to pay me to care for mom. Then met with mom's attorney and did not like how much it costs to care for a person with Alzheimer's. So, fired mom's attorney, and called APS accusing me of financial exploitation. Nothing could be further from the truth. That is when I realized I needed an attorney, and if the care agreement came, that would need to be reviewed as well. Got tired of their games and avoidance so I retained a different attorney, one with significant amount of litigation in her practice. Yes I am deeply entrenched in this and with luck conservator's attorney will now explain to sis and her attorney just what they have done, and sissies could be out completely and required to repay all they have spent on attorneys and my attorney too.

Emjo conservator is for finances, guardian for medical stuff. I suppose it could be the same person if they had fiduciary skills as well as geriatric management experience. Because this involves a care agreement, even if we could find one person, it would not have been appropriate because of negotiation necessary for the agreement. Guardian is my #1 advocate! I absolutely am so very relieved to have her in the picture! Conservator is another story. But I think she has finally finished up going through mom's finances and now knows what sisters have done, some could get them in BIG trouble. It is about freaking time!