The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Didn't accomplish much today - sinus headache and kept drifting off to sleep. I suppose after last week that is not surprising. However, if I can do that much clearing up for my mother, I can do it here too. Raining gently now which is good for the lawns and the forest. Hopefully tomorrow I will get some clearing out accomplished.

lily welcome. What family members will do for money is shocking. The others have asked the right questions.

What do you think lies ahead for your mum? You say she is extremely forgetful. Has she had an evaluation recently? Loss of short term memory can signal the onset of dementia. It is important to know if she is still capable of making sound decisions. Also, has she appointed anyone POA - medical and /or financial. At her age and stage those are an important things to have in place, as well as her wishes regards end of life treatment. Another thing to consider is having her allow her doc to discuss her health and treatment with you, even if you do not have POA medical ad are at a distance. I see from your profile you are in NC And they are in Fla. It seems the others are only interested in money. Some one in the family needs to be concerned for her health.

In all of this take care of you. The stress can get pretty bad.

Countrymouse,

I'm sorry to hear about the diagnosis your ex got recently.
It's so admirable of you that you can put aside whatever things you have between the two of you, and be there morally supporting him, and also making him some curry. Ummmm! delicious, sounds so good.

Well, hopefully he'll do some research about any kind of surgery a doctor may be suggesting. There's plenty of information out there. My brother had this about 2 years, ago. Oddly enough, he at that time was living w/the wife. They'd been living under the same roof, but not speaking to one another. How in the world do people do that? Anyway, the day he had the surgery she and their grown kids were at the hospital. When the doc came out post surgery to give them an update, he asked her whether she wanted to go be by my brother's side. She said, "no." So my sister the controller who was there, went in to see my bro. That must have been a last straw of sorts for him, because 2 mos. later, he threw her out of their home.
They still haven't spoken to one another, and she didn't return. So dysfunctional.
Anyway, I mention this because it reminded me of his situation.

It really takes some mature people to put whatever past conflict they've had aside when someone is in need of moral support and attention.
Congrats to you on that. You and your ex are in my thoughts!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Lily,
Welcome you are in good company most of us have seen the extremes dysfunctional families/siblings will go to. Check out the website AVVO to ask questions and receive responses from attorneys at no cost.

The big question is does you mom have dementia? When was the will changed? Are you caring for her in her home? How long?

So your mother owns these two individual properties and has c. $500K in cash. The original idea was that the properties' value + remaining capital would be split evenly five ways, so c $140K before tax each. The new idea is that each sister retains her house, worth c. $100, and that all five of you receive a one-fifth share of the capital, i.e. about $100K each at the time of writing (it's likely to be quite a lot less if your mother, God willing, stays in good health).

And your mother, you reckon, over the years, has in addition advanced or given them c. $250K each?

Just making sure I've understood what you said - is that about it?

Well now. Is it lawful for your mother to change her will like this? Unless you have any reason to believe she does not have the mental capacity to understand what she is doing, then yes it is. And, to be really blunt, unless there are other factors at play that you haven't mentioned, it's none of your business. Your mother can do what she likes with her money.

As for the money she has already given them, unless you have reason to believe that there was extortion or deception or any kind of skulduggery involved, then that again is not your business. Lucky them to have such a generous mother. The only thing that would change this is if her life expectancy begins to look as if she will outlive her funds. Your sisters need to be aware that if, within five years of the gift, she begins to need that money she gave them to live on, they could potentially have to give it back. I hope they haven't spent it all.

I imagine that your sisters consider their - how can I put this - "enhanced" entitlement to a share in your mother's estate fair and reasonable on the grounds that what she is leaving them is their respective homes. Presumably they have lived in these houses for a long time and do not wish to move. And presumably they cannot afford to buy their three siblings' nominal share in the value of their houses (four siblings, I know, but the money they owe to one another would cancel itself out). And, at a guess, they have some kind of bond with your mother that allows them to believe they can accept this additional favour with honour.

And I expect that you and the other non-housed siblings are thinking "oi. How is that fair?" And so would I, probably with a deeply puzzled frown all over my face.

But honestly? Really? For $40K, do you really want to go into battle about this?

If you do, and you want to risk spending most of the money on lawyers' fees, you could explore the possibility of claiming that your sisters exerted undue influence on your mother in persuading her to change her will. But the admirable and constructive thing would be to put the numbers down on paper, make sure everyone is clear about what is being done, and then agree to it. The one and only thing you have any right to be combative about is seeing that what your mother wants to happen, happens.

So, if you've just skipped to the end: assuming your mother has capacity, which she does unless it has already been proved otherwise, then yes it is lawful.

Lilyloooo see a lawyer.There also could be problems with this gifting if they dont recieve at the time of her death. Just don't know but the IRS might be interested if the houses have always been in sisters names.
Pam Steadman any input?

Just found this site, and this thread...thank God! Not doing so well...my family is as dysfunctional as they get! My mother (now 87) was married twice to 2 alcoholics. 5 kids 1st marriage, me the only one from the 2nd. I just turned 47. The first time I met my dad was at his funeral! Anyway...could use some advice...Several years ago, my mother purchased two of my sisters' homes. (approx. $100k/ea.) Her will states that the money given to all of us kids would be evenly split. Found out yesterday that now my two sisters have convinced her (at 87 and extremely forgetful) to change her will so that the houses, along with all the money she has given them (approx. $500K) would not be deducted from the pot, and the money that is remaining would be divided by 5 (children) Mom started with about $1 million, $500,000 remains. Is this lawful? I live in NC, my mom & sisters live in FL...thanks for any and all input :)

Humph. Bit of a communication setback with sister. It didn't result in a row, but I'm annoyed with myself for not being more assertive.

She rang to ask if she could visit mother this weekend. I suggested we go to a local hotel - it's just up the road, not brilliant but it's there - for lunch and without pause for breath she said God! - no.

Well now. The food wouldn't be wonderful, but it would get mother out of the house, she would like 'taking us out' for her treat, and I wouldn't have to shop or cook. Not that I mind cooking, but it's still work whether you enjoy it or not. But there was that automatic No; and I can't decide whether sister hated the idea most because of the food, or because of the expense, or because of the embarrassment of eating in public with mother, or because it's a potential drag and she wouldn't be able to leave as soon as she can't take another moment. Or because she's planning to bring her dog and she doesn't like leaving him in her car. Or all of the above.

Oh well. It doesn't actually matter. I can take mother out whenever she'd like to go. And strictly speaking when sister visits I could always go out for a couple of hours and leave them a plate of sandwiches. But I'm irritated, without really knowing why.

Veronica~LOL!!

Sharryn they are certainly asses and I'd add a cavity to that but there is no reason you should feel like one

Thanks Veronica and CM. When I first started in the work force I learned about an old saying...when you assume, you make an ASS of U and ME. I sure feel like an a**. I doubt they do, I take it more personally.

CM don't ever loose that good old British sense of humor - it got us through two world wars, well that and a little help from the Americans "Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile"

Yikes. Ref the B12, I have a little mosquito buzzing round the back of my brain squeaking "you need to check the folates too…!" So, please people check folate levels. Even better, just refer the whole thing to GP and get a full blood screening done!

I keep telling myself four small but square meals a day, that's what mother needs. Get your finger out, woman, plan meals properly and then you won't be chewing your fingernails worrying about whether all the trace elements are covered.

But oh dear. I am no domestic goddess. I love cooking, and especially baking, and I'm not terrible at it; but the home economist side of things… I'm afraid I used to sit in classes thinking "blah blah blah - can we do the cooking now please?"

Glad - it amazes me that people will NEVER learn how expensive the law is. Send your ***delightful*** relatives each a copy of Bleak House. Or don't bother: it might be a bit of a waste of yet more paper. Is there any way of extricating yourself from this suit? And focusing instead on what's going on for you and for your mother in the here and now? I realise there probably isn't, and that you've been entangled in a horrible mesh; it's just that if there's a glimmer of hope of any alternative - mediation, arbitration, anything - this would be such a weight off your mind and out of your life.

Sharyn, no wonder you're feeling depressed - nothing like being told after nearly 3 months that some pretty crucial information got left off your job description. Now they tell you. Terrific. So good of them to let you know. Oh well! - at least now you do know, and now you can start organising those tasks properly, which quite clearly they haven't been until you got involved. Just show 'em how it's done, then you'll feel better.

Lull before the storm with the party. We're up past 30 guests with my dad's side of the family - never noted for their rapid response approach to deadlines - yet to reply and a few more stragglers to round up. It'll be around about 50 all told, I reckon, respectable but not unwieldy. Mother's still happy and excited, except for the mornings when she wakes up afraid that it's been and gone and she's missed it. Imagine even imagining that your family would allow you to miss your own birthday party, and tease you about it afterwards. It's at moments like this that I think very harsh things about my late aunt, the oldest sister who died nine years ago, and the kind of lessons she thought it good to teach my mother.

But there! - she won't be coming, may she rest in peace, so we won't worry about her.

Sharryn closing bakery and deli was not mentioned 2 1/2 months ago because this is their way of punishing you for the chicken fiasco. You are too valuable to fire but they sure can make your life h*ll and they know you can't afford to quit. Next job you get and there will be another remember not to share any personal information so someone can't use it against you.

Glad I can only offer support and echo what everyone else has said.

My mom is holding somewhat steady but sundowning is creeping in the afternoons with speech becoming problematic, confusion and obessezsing to great detail. I may seek advice from her PCP regarding increasing the anti depressant


My niece is holding her own as she undergoes post surgery chemo...bouts of sickness and some issues with the colostomy bag.

I don't talk much with my sis unless it is mom's business issues.
She has all kinds of things she is working on regarding her home inside and out.

The b/d manager told me today that I am expected to close both deli and bakery???? Why wasn't this stated 2-1/2 months ago??
just getting through each day...without sarcastic respones to my questions. Depressed and dealing with it. Hugs!

Time to catch up!!

CM~The plans for your mother's birthday sound great...except for all the interference with sil and brother's lack of interest. You will get through this and your mom will be happy in the end.
Glad~Lots going on with sibs. Such a shame they are spending mom's money to pursue their own needs instead of mom's. Their greed will get them in the end... hand in there.
Alison-Great info from Veronica...I hope all works out for dad...your goals sound great and your questions and concerns need to be addressed by the staff.
Joan~PP and identity theft!! I hope you get it all resolved. All the moving is very strenuous work. Glad you have G to help and the nephews.
Book~Your sister's issue with PP..glad she got it resolved quickly.
Christine~You have your hands full but are handling it all gracefully. Love the saying.."it aint help unless asked for"!!! I will remember that one.
Jamie~Welcome to the thread..You seem to have a system that is working. Good for you!
Bunny~Tough situation for you but glad you are in therapy. Detaching from the situation may be in order to help bring some peace for you. Continue with your therapy and I hope we hear more from you.

Hang in there everyone, our time and energy gets exhausted so remember to take time out for yourselves. Hugs to everyone!!

Not in mum's interest is it! I hope she gets expelled.

They would not spend their money, I know! Yet Sib is granted right to retain attorney as trustee if in mom's interest. And the big question is how trustee transferred, we all know how this transpired and it was not in compliance with the trust. That is grounds to expel her from the trust.

glad ((((((hugs)))) that is so crazy - they are spending their own inheritance on lawyers fighting about it - and also, let us not forget, the money intended to look after your mum. I hope it does not drain her resources too much. Yes, greedy, selfish, entitled describes them. Wonder if they would fight so much in court of they had to use their own money. Doubt it.

Yes, mom will be paying all these attorneys. Sisters have been spending moms money for theirs, I have been paying for mine. Had to ask for a loan from a friend to keep my attorney working when conservator said she would pay mine. Greedy, selfish, entitled sibs!

gladimhere - UNbelievable - at least it should be, but unfortunately personality disorders and money are an explosive mix. I was just thinking that we had not heard much from you, so things must have quietened down. Guess I was wrong. Is your mum's money paying for the attorneys? I didn't remember that your mum had both a guardian and a conservator. I thought they were the same thing. Must be spring and the weirdos are coming out or somethingl

OMG this thing has exploded all because sibs were concerned about inheritance! Now guardian and conservator both have retained attorneys! So, four attorneys working on this crap! Just cannot believe it!

Welcome Jamie - looks like you have found something that works. Great and very good for you for taking care of them. Do I gather correctly from what you signed that they are your ex in laws? Some of us here have a parent who is mentally ill, and that is another ball game. I have a lovely ex-mil. We are friends and I treasure her.

bunny - there is the reality and there are the fears. As you do not have POA, there is not much you can do, unless bro starts doing the kinds of things that you fear. If I were in your position, I would find out what recourse a family member has if the sib who is POA is abusing their position. I tend to look at what is the worst that can happen and figure out how to deal with it. Then you have done what you can for now and let it rest. Is it comfortable? No, obviously not, but the more you can detach, the better off you will be. I am in the position where I have POA and my sis has accused me having a vested interest in my mother's demise. I suppose she thinks for the inheritance. I suspect she has looked at ways she can get at me. I have to largely let go and let God as I cannot control her - just me. I and others know that her accusation is ridiculous, not that that would necessarily stop her from trying to cause me problems.

***sigh*** I knew the quietness could not last. Got back home to voice mail from the social worker and a call from a "friend" of mother's. The "friend" (frankly I think they use one another - long story) says mother wants to know if she is still paying for her apartment, as she thinks she should not be. As POA, I cannot discuss mother's business with anyone, other than the professionals looking after her, even if mother requests the info through people. Frankly, I wonder why mother did not ask the SW to get that info from me. Maybe she did. I will talk with the SW on Wednesday and the "friend" after that. I got an email from the SW with a scanned paper with mother's last wishes written on it. She wants no funeral in the Cathedral in E'ton, as the bishop has not been good for her. Just a funeral in our old home town and burial of the ashes with my father. What a relief!!! I was rather dreading a funeral in the Cathedral, as mother always wants pomp and circumstance. Our old hometown church is small and it will be a easier event and likely very few people there. All the locals who knew her are probably dead.

Oh well, mother has been fairly quiet since February. I must be thankful for small mercies. I suspect the action will heat up now and I will get more practice in detaching. I have to get her taxes done and then we are clear till the next move, other than whatever mischief mother can think up. If she is unhappy about us keeping the apartment for three months, she can take it up with the psychiatrist - it was his recommendation.

Good to be home again, even with the mess. Have a good night all.

Before I left, I picked up 5 hanging baskets of pink petunias at a bargain price. I thought they would be dead, but it rained here and I got one of the lads to water the ones under the over hang, and they are fine. The house looks like a hurricane hit it - piles of stuff from the basement needing to be sorted and stored. Hopefully I will be ruthless in doing this. I need to get the clutter reduced drastically.

Things will change and get better for you I hope you find peace and strength bunnyrabbit. Try calling her momma instead of mother it may touch something that was forgotten. Idk best of luck

The main thing I learned today from my therapy session was that the fact is: that my mother with her enormous estate has handed complete control of it to my brother who has been unemployed for years, is bi-polar and has a history of financial irresponsibility, mother's money is his "bread and butter" he says.

All the rest of my thoughts: "You're doing what?!!!! Do you realize mother he can pick up the phone as POA and liquidate all your investments. Do you realize mother that he can take years as executor to settle your estate and has no accountability unless I take him to court etc etc...." These thoughts are all fiction. They may or may not happen. Mother could decide to change her will again. My brother could become ill. Lots of things can happen in the future.

The fact is clean distress, the thoughts based on fiction and projections of what may or may not happen is dirty distress where most of my suffering lies for sure.
So much to learn from all the distress.

I met them when I was 13 years old, I am 47 now. Dang the stories I could tell, He was my dad's coworker at the nuclear power plant, and she well she was just her being her. Stuck up rude and rich. Our family was tied together, as time went by I gave birth to 2 children which they've always been there for.I was very close to him and loved him like a dad but never got close to her I always looked at her as just a mean woman. Time went by I had another child. My momma had long since passed. My dad remarried and then he passed away . After divorces and marriages I always held on to that little bit of family that's been there for most of my life. Yes I'm getting to the point, they started failing in their health about 6 years ago. Him with cancer ,depression, hip replacement, knee replacement and her with anxiety, depression, dementia and early alzheimers remember that she wasn't very nice to begin with. One day she called me and said Jamie we can't do it anymore. Would you please help us. So I did , I moved in and starting cleaning cooking and making sure they took their medications and went to appointments. I got a job here so I can still pay my bills for my husband and I .he is disabled now. It's been a rough road on all of us involved but the thing is if you don't give up on ppl they won't give up on you. Signed:
The ex daughter in law ( me )

Alison - great information from veronica. I sympathise with the different stories from different drs. Having the same here with mother's psychiatrists. Would be nice if they got the story straight. - or coordinated anyway. Sounds like you have a plan.

Chris you survived the meddling step son very well. Hope B12 continues to boost fil.

The sugar debate is a big one - and the balance between enough calories vs quality of calories has to be case by case and even time by time with any individual, I think. I suppose it depends on, at least, length of life left, though we don't always know that.

veronica -your expertise is great -also mention of an automatic jam maker - hmmmm

cm - great info about B12 too. How is the party planning going?

Sharyn - haven't heard much from you recently -hope all is as well as can be with everything going on in your family

On the bus on the way home. Survived the moving reasonably well. Thinking if I can go through my stuff pretending that it is some one else's, I might be able to do a good job. I didn't get to the hot tub. There was a weird guy in the restaurant who got entirely too friendly/invasive and I didn't want to run into him in the pool area without my "body guard".

Hi to everyone else - have a good day!

Hi Countrymouse,
I didn't know that about B12, but that is good info. I am hopeful that at least things will level out at some point. FIL's behavior has been better the last couple of days. Not holding my breath, but it makes me think that maybe I can do this. :-}

I am sure boy and wife think they are helping. Insufferable know it alls. There is a phrase here in the south, "Help ain't help if it ain't asked for..." Which applies here. The china chamberpot is a good idea too. :)
Have a peaceful day
Christine

B12 deficiency is a reversible cause of dementia, Christine. And if FIL and MIL have been a bit undernourished… well, who knows. No miracles on offer, of course, but it might be worth getting their bloods checked out.

I expect Boy and Wife think they're - groan - "only trying to help." Famous last words, those are - most often heard immediately before guilty party gets his head bashed in with a china chamberpot.

Ah, you witty, clever, sweet-hearted bunch of saints... :-)

Thanks for the giggle reading last few posts. And I'm always stocking away little tips in back of my brain. Jam maker? That's pretty neat.

My grandmother ate whatever she wanted, all the medical people concurred if she wanted ice cream all day, every day, then that was fine. I think that had to do with her being so elderly no one expected she would live too much longer and so nutrition just didn't matter anymore, but getting enough calories in her did. I don't know at what point that type of "switch over" is made... from being concerned with proper nutrition to just intaking calories. I used to give my grandmother calcium chews that were like little fudge chocolates and caramels, plus lots of vitamin C drops, herbal candy, sugar free candy. There is a line of Gerber toddler finger foods that are fortified with vitamins that I used to stock up on and just give them to her all day. Its stuff like cheese puffs and apple puffs... I forget what else, but there's quite a variety.

I'm going to compose a letter to Urology docs at VA about me and dad's experiences so far - emphasizing the differing plans of action and some of the points Veronica made in her post - and see what kind of feedback I get? Right now there is an appointment for Urology mid June... I think I'm going to cancel it and just wait until I'm sure of what direction to go in.

Hope everyone is having good start to the week! I appreciate all of you wonderful individuals so much.