Follow
Share
Read More

34K Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
911 912 913 914 915
my computer is acting up today again.

Christine -the distant relatives are thorns in many sides. - armchair experts who wouldn't lift a finger to help but who criticise freely, and even threaten to get you in trouble. Greed seems to be a motive for many. What do you do? Vent as you are, work at detaching and chilling, as you are. Recognize them for who they are, ignore a lot of what they say - which you are working on. It makes a difficult job that much more difficult and stressful. Welcome to the club. I wish there didn't have to be one, but it helps knowing you are not alone.
(1)
Report
ah tqh
(0)
Report
Warning, slight rant ahead.
In other news, speaking of dysfunctional families, we now have some new players in this mess, Charles' son, who hasn't been speaking to him for the past year, upon hearing that the parents are now with us, is emailing with his list of things we 'must' do. Son's wife went to college for social work, but didn't ever practice and is not licensed. Just demanding and bossy. Oh brother. I fully expect to be visited by the Elder Abuse people if we don't comply with his demands. And then a grandson of theirs has decided that he wants their property, and is saying the MIL said he could have it. She is not the one with dementia. Ah. Not bad enough, now this. The son is coming next week to 'visit his grandparents' and I am planning on being elsewhere. Because I would like to punch him in the nose. My first thought is that if he is so interested in their welfare maybe they can come live at his house and his stupid wife can take care of them. I am angry and have to chill. What is wrong with people? On my side of the family I have another relative that is living with her daughter's family, and one of the aunts has a lot of criticism for how the daughter is managing. When she complains to me I suggest that the relative come live with her, as she has room and time to deal. She always has an excuse. My patience is at an all time low...I am sure this is not uncommon. But dang, what can you do? Besides ignore any idiots that cross your path. Grrr.
Thanks for listening,
Christine
(3)
Report
lol cm - I prefer plans made well ahead, though he usually manages to pull things off. He is getting better with travel/holiday plans. I have insisted that I don't want surprises. Plan B only comes out if absolutely necessary, but it makes me more comfortable knowing we have that option. Pa

Re ex I gather there is a question now how useful the PSA tests are. However I also gather he has had more tests than that and they show a cancer that needs to be dealt with. I hear you about his ex.

I find that just when you think you have one issue pretty well in hand, another comes along to upset the apple cart.
(1)
Report
Hello all,
I want to say thank you to all of you, reading your posts and hearing your caring and advice has saved my sanity, what there was of it. I don't feel alone, which really helps me. And it is great to know that other people have survived this process.
Thanks for listening,
Christine
(1)
Report
Thanks, Shilo, I will give it a try. He doesn't like cocoa, or tea. Difficult patient! :) but he will take his handful of pills every night. So adding another one.
Thank you
Christine
(0)
Report
Glad, I think it's true that one of the problems of relying on PSA levels is that they can zoom about all over the place - if it's up it's up, but if it's down it might still be up, kind of thing. I can't remember the recent numbers; he had an isolated 24 six or seven years ago and saw a urologist then, too, but it all seemed to settle down with some short-term medication and at the time nobody was inclined to do anything further about it. He's always been really good about regular check-ups, though (just as well!). I'd love to snatch the file out of his hand and have a good read - but if he wants to keep his business private then of course I won't do that. He knows where we all are if he wants moral support. Hmm. Ex is 65, you see; and his younger brother has been having a rough time over the last couple of years with the same thing.

[Veronica, you'd know: did I read something about molecular similarities between breast and prostate cancers, or am I imagining it? It's just these men's mother died of breast cancer fairly young, you can't help wondering about the genetics of the thing.]

Glad, I'm sorry your s/f is having a frightening time of it. Yes, you'd have thought that if you've got to 87 you'd feel reassured that it couldn't be too aggressive or it would have got you by now; but on the other hand it's not something you'd choose to deal with at any age, I suppose. I hear lots of (usually male) doctors jovially telling men "you'll die with it, not of it." Well. That might be a consoling thought for the younger age groups; less so for those who are - how do we put it - nearer the front of the queue.

Thanks for the Mybetriq tip, I'll make a note - being "up and down like a whore's drawers" (his expression, not mine!) all night needing the bathroom does drive him mad and make him very tired. He's not a keen pill-popper (who is) but maybe he'll give it a try.


Ugh, Emjo, spontaneous seat-of-the-pants type people make me very twitchy - even if they do always seem to pull rabbits out of the hat in time. I like exhaustive lists and minute by minute schedules, then I know where I am. But, there it is. Very wise to keep the Plan B up your sleeve - it would only encourage him!
(2)
Report
CM Thank you, every back rub helps!

Out of curiosity what is his PSA level? Mom's hubby's is all over the place, he has been told he has prostate cancer. But at the age of 87 now, he doesn't want to do anything about it. In the past three years I have seen it as high as 34 and as low as 17. Bizarre! He sees the urologist twice a year and keeps track of it. Cancer in him is progressing very, very slowly, possibly due to his age. Just a guess. He does have trouble with incontinence and urgency, but at this point manages this himself. He is taking a drug call Mybetriq, I think, that helps a lot with the urgency. There are currently ads for it on TV here.
(1)
Report
Camaryllis, there is a thread on AC about melatonin if you haven't read the posts I have tried to copy the link below. My mother uses it with success after trying other drugs that had not helped and side effects were involved with the drugs. Good Luck.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/melatonin-for-mom-with-alzheimers-168704.htm?cpage=0&post=1&cm=352837&z=1#352837
(1)
Report
cm - I know the feeling. I used to say 96, but that is only 20 years away now, so it will have to be 106 for me.

Christine - I know someone who swears by melatonin, but they do not have dementia. She says once she takes it she has a "window" to get to bed and fall asleep. Is he sundowning? There are drugs that help with that. His dr could recommend something.

Austin - thinking of you and you missing your kitty. (((((((hugs)))))

well, we have a free van for today and a reliable guy to help for tomorrow. G is always last minute with arrangements. He usually figures things out, but has several major issues at work to deal with as well. I told him if he can still get the reliable guy to go ahead and rent a van for tomorrow, but that being the end of the month, it might not be so easy. As a back up, I have arranged that we can still do it Sunday, but we will have to pay an extra day at mother's place. After them collecting rent while it was sitting empty, and not providing any services in that time, you would think they could stretch it, but no. Boy, they get their lb. of flesh and blood too. I haven't told G about the back up yet. So I am sitting and waiting and trying to relax. This will be over in the next few days.
(0)
Report
Camaryllis, I'd try a nice warm mug of cocoa on him first before splashing out on the, er, what you said..!
(0)
Report
Good morning,
Well, last night was peaceful. MIL decided she needed to help more with FIL, which seemed to help him settle down. Whew. She has been a stress cookie, has been doing the caretaking for him for the past few years while hiding it from everyone how bad he was getting. I can relate.

So, has anyone had any experience with using melatonin to help with sleep? I have been researching this, and thought it might be useful to calm FIL down a bit at night, when he is most agitated. There seem to be few side effects, and no major drug interactions. He takes a handful of pills twice a day already, wouldn't notice if I added one. I also read that vitamin B6/B12/Folic Acid might be helpful. Although he now eats a nutritious diet (apart from the occasional sandwich supper, haha) so maybe not needed. But, wondering if anyone has had any experience with this, or if all I would have as a result is very expensive pee? :)
Thanks for listening,
Christine
(0)
Report
Sorry Veronica, our posts crossed - thank you for the signposts. I offered to go with him to see the consultant, and I would have liked to, but he said no and it's up to him. The consultant sounds like a goody, though, which is something; and at least for now we're blessed with district nurses (no I didn't know there still were any either). I won't mind doing the necessary - good practice for mother's future! - but I think he might mind, and anyway he does follow medical instructions fairly well so he should manage ok. We'll work it out.

I can just see his ex volunteering to care for him. Out of common humanity and respect I won't let it happen if I can help it. Yes I am aware of how fantastically hypocritical this will sound (actually his leaving her was NOT my idea, but never mind all that, it's too late) but given their history she would be out of her mind to sacrifice any of the new life she's built without him. She's approaching retirement on a career high, she's worked her a*se off for it, and in those terms being left was the best thing that ever happened to her after decades of having her profession sneered at because of its low pay compared to his. I imagine he is having wistful thoughts about having let her go - but what can you say? Yes, well, you should have thought of that before.

And in fact he might have thought of it by remembering the time when she was caring for his dying mother and he was too much in pieces to help. Well. "Don't it always seem to go…"
(1)
Report
Emjo the way I feel at the moment I'm 108..!

Glad, you're absolutely right: once you've both established you'd rather not be together, why make it worse? But I'm sorry you had to go through that experience yourself. Divorce is always hard for children no matter how much care you take; an acrimonious, long-drawn out divorce must have been horrendous. Sending you a back rub to help those memories...

I'm cutting ex some extra slack on top of allowances for his stress and his feeling generally unwell, because I do have an edge on him: which is that if there's one useful skill boarding school teaches you, it's how to live in day to day harmony with people you don't much like. Also he is a good man having a difficult time. It's hard to know what to recommend, though - he starts talking, which is good, but then he gets self-conscious and clams up again. We've got medics of all descriptions for him to talk things through if he likes, and I've suggested he look at a men's health forum and get some peers' opinions. But this is the kind of issue that makes his brain hurt - he really hates hypothetical dilemmas, much prefers to decide-and-go. "This is doing my head in" as he puts it.

I could point out that thirty years ago his symptoms would have been put down to 'what do you expect at your age' and he wouldn't have been around for long enough to worry - but I won't do that :) Not helpful.

I'm keeping mother in the loop, after some internal debate about it. Decided it would make life easier, since she picks up on unspoken issues very quickly and it's so much simpler just to tell her what's really going on. Recently she's been fretting about having caused us to break up - you have to laugh, don't you; the arch non-believer in Freud displaying perfect oral fixation - but physical health matters she finds much easier to process and be sanguine about. She's not being callous: she's just as matter of fact (or possibly in denial?) about her own disease. Rogue cells she can cope with. Emotions, now…

After my recent optimism about her mood, she's been confabulating with a vengeance for two days straight on subjects from her bedside clock to the rules of the Lawn Tennis Association to the steady stream of passers-by outside her window (lots of old friends on parade!): I may have hoorayed too soon. Oh bollocks to it - since I'm stuck with thorny issues today I might as well go and dig out some brambles. At least that way I get a nice tidy hedge out of it.
(1)
Report
CM sorry for ex thats a big worry. if he does do the radical see if he can get the De Vinci proceedure. it is minimally invasive and very rapid recovery. One night in the hospital and little pain. He will have a catheter for ten days which he can manage perfectly well on his own. Just make sure he keeps it firmly connected.
Maybe ex wife nursie would like to undertake the care? lay in a good supply of Depends. You can get them now that look like regular underwear. Hubby says the incontinence does not bother him at all. It's more like leakage than all the time but some days are worse than others.
You don't need to worry about providing care unless he does not get a complete surgical cure than it's a whole new ball of wax. If his PSA re sts to zero you are in the clear, otherwise ?????????????????? ship him out real fast it will be a long unpleasant haul for you both. Mum is still #1 he has made that clear or do I hear a change of heart and renewed appreciation creeping in? Mega hugs
(1)
Report
cm - I am so sorry about ex partner. You can't ignore him, nor are you. Is this going to throw a spanner in the works re selling up and moving? It is good that his ex is taking an interest. He can use all the support he can get. Don't forget about you in the meanwhile, and, as you say, your mother still needs care. Oh dear! Deep breaths, one thing at a time...will get you through it all. Thankfully you are still young (compared to me) which helps. ((((((hugs)))))))
(3)
Report
CM many people just want absolutely nothing to do with ex's. It sounds as if you and he had a cordial splitting, maybe even friendly. That was the same with me and my ex. When I was a child I went through the extremely nasty divorce of my fooks!, and when it finally finished after a four or five year battle I was all of 12 years old. I and ex swore to never put our kids through that.

Best wishes to you and ex.
(4)
Report
Oh dear.

Ex partner back from doctor's with not good news. Could be worse, but not good. Aggressive type of prostate cancer, but still encapsulated so that's something, and his bone scan was clear. He's been offered a range of options including radical prostatectomy scheduled second week of July which he's inclined to go for. He's very stereotypical male in that he likes to make a decision and have done with it. I've suggested he sleep on it until after the weekend and call the doctor's office first thing Monday.

His ex-wife called; she's a nurse and - where are we? - seventeen years down the line she's beginning to forgive him and forget me, so it's good that she's taking a sympathetic interest.

Made him a good hot curry last night to cheer him up and blast his nasty cold away. I think he appreciated it - it's a bit hard to tell when they've got such a lot on their minds, isn't it. The other advantage of curry is that it's a great way to get fresh vegetables into them without their noticing.

I think I'll start worrying about how to provide care for someone who'd rather not be living with you when we get to it. Meanwhile it's not like mother is miraculously healed or anything...
(2)
Report
"Maybe I can rope in accountant daughter to figure it out." - Excellent idea! Delegate for all you're worth… :)
(1)
Report
Christine - you are no wimp, not at all. Amen to what countrymouse said.

Connie - (((((((hugs)))) you sound exhausted. I think your gram needs some meds and maybe you do too. Litteton and shilo have some good suggestions. Absolutely you need to look after yourself and sleep is a basic. Every day try to do one thing for you -even something very small. Try not to engage with your gram at her level. Leaving the room till she feels better can work. Take care.
(1)
Report
cm - sounds like you have some good plans - I am glad your farmed out the cake. Senior grandson will do a great job

How many weeks - of what??? Tomorrow and, I suspect part of Saturday, is moving the furniture into storage. Who knows how many months before she is moved into a facility. They are very vague. I continue to get dribbled in requests for mother's tear gel, etc. If I had known sooner I could have included it in yesterday's packages, but from now on things will have to be purchased as it all will be in storage. My ride turned up after all. We had crossed messages, so he came and I delivered 4 largish bags of goods for mother. That will have to do. I started the thyroid meds again as I was feeling under the weather, the candida is subsiding again...Today was a quiet day. I asked for an accounting of her monies spent and received a messy accounting that is going to take me sometime to figure out if it all balances. Surely they can do better than that. For example I noticed one receipt had $8.06 change, but nowhere could I find that amount returned to the account. Maybe I can rope in accountant daughter to figure it out. I think we need another holiday, but doubt that is going to happen for a while. When I get home, the basement estimates have to be arranged, then the repairs started. I think my breaks will be a day I take here and there to escape the responsibilities and/or maybe I will go visit someone somewhere. Hope your G is OK. Let us know . Fingers and toes crossed.
(1)
Report
Connie, Sounds like you and your grams needs some sleep. I would ask her doctor if melatonin (over the counter supplement helps promote sleelp) may benefit your grams. Suggested by a neurologist, melatonin has helped my mother's sleeplessness which in turn has helped her moods and health during the day. There is also a sleepytime tea she drinks sometimes too if your grams like tea. I understand the tears, been there more times than I care to admit. As I have been told, since there isn't anyone else around for her to take out her anger or frustration she takes it out on you. Try to realize that and (I know it is difficult) not take it personally. It is not you she is angry with but the lack of independance she has.
(1)
Report
Hi Sandwich,
Great recipe idea, thanks. They do like kid food. My stepdaughter lives in Minnesota, so I am familiar with the 'hot dish'...
Have a peaceful day
Christine
(2)
Report
Countrymouse,
OK, good point. I sure wasn't expecting all this!
I have done pretty well, no big meltdowns till last night!
Thank you
Christine
(1)
Report
ConnieSO - Not enough sleep is one of the worse things for anyone, caregiver or not. Have you talked to her doctor about available Home Services? Check with Senior Services about part time sitter or maybe a local chuch.

No one can provide care like this 24/7 and not suffer side affects. Takes more than talking to yourself about the good work you are doing to be physically and mentally up for the challenges. Not being a smartie but it is the truth.

I learned quickly the best way to take care of Mother was to take very good care of myself first. I know your Grandma appreciates all you do for her.
(3)
Report
Today I am overtired. A week of my grams not sleeping, talking out loud, carrying on about someone picking on her and not ruining her life, etc. Then in the mornings, picking fights with me. I did find until this morning. A week of 3 hours sleep if I am lucky, exhausted. I spoke to one of my uncles, he says get use to it. Easy for others to tell me what to do, they are not hear 7/24. I am to blame for everything wrong with her, picking on her, being mean to her, etc. I fed into this morning.

I cannot get any help with her, no one will come pick her up and take her out for the day, spend quality time with her or call regularly. When her knees hurt or she is not feeling well, she works herself up into a high state of anxiety. Won't sleep. Up all night. No one in this family gets it and they don't have to. I have one uncle who keeps pushing her to go to church and it is my responsibility to make her. So she adds that to the mix and takes it out on me.

I am angry at myself. I was doing so well, then sat there and fed back into her crap. When I tried to apologize she just kept on. I made my apology, finally, then left the room.

I am tired, crying, and frustrated, feeling hopeless. I do not know how much more I can take without sleep. I cannot take a nap when she does because she does not nap long. Then I cannot sleep at night either. Plus I have a business to operate and clients to answer to.

Thank you for listening. Glad I have this to come to. Bless you all. May we each find a resolution to our own situations.
(5)
Report
Camaryllis, you said "And I am feeling like a real wimp, falling apart after only three weeks of this. "

Couldn't you turn that round to "I should be feeling incredibly proud of how well I'm coping, considering I've only had three weeks to adjust to this."? Lucky, lucky man your FIL is to have you. Brilliant, well done.
(5)
Report
Thank you for the kind wishes, Margeaux - btw my son, mother's grandson: the thought of 'my grandson' making a speech gave me quite a little jolt! :) - and I'm glad you don't think I'm being a wuss about the cake. Ex would do the same for me, I expect (?); anyway, you can't just ignore someone when they're feeling poorly. Unfortunately he's just an hour ago had a telephone call from the hospital to say the consultant wants to see him first thing tomorrow morning. He's had no letter about his test results. As you can imagine, he's rather alarmed. I'm hopeful, knowing the hospital quite well, that there has simply been a cancellation from another patient and the consultant had an unexpected gap in his diary, hence the call - this seems better than thinking it's become urgent because the tests have shown something serious. Well! - tomorrow he'll know, it's not long to wait. Easy for me to say, of course.

He won't hear of my driving him to the hospital and back - it's about ten miles away, and my daughter could mind her granny for a couple of hours. I've told him the offer is there if he wants it. No way of insisting, is there, that anyone can think of? I don't think it's a good idea for him to be driving if it does turn out he's going to be given bad news, but I'm not going to hide his keys or anything.
(2)
Report
Sandwich42 -- "look away Julia Childs" -- LOL!!!!! You're a hoot! And that recipe is probably delish!
(1)
Report
CountryMouse,

Parties are lots of work. Glad to hear that your grandson will be doing the speech.
Interesting in families how one group is the one that has spent more time with her. But you'd be surprised that many times one can get interesting anecdotes about a person, just for the unique ways different people have related to one another.

That's a great move on your part about the cake. It does minimize the stress for you, this way you can enjoy the party, and dedicate some time for your self.
That is very nice of you taking care of your ex, while he isn't feeling well.
I hope that his results are positive.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
(2)
Report

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter