The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Going to spend some (maybe all the) time today just for me. My guts/the candida infection are flaring up and some night sweating. Probably due to stress. I will get some more probiotics, and coconut milk yogurt. Yesterday afternoon I came back to the hotel in the rain. Today it is not raining, so I can go out and wander a bit at a leisurely pace. There is a great bookstore about 2 1/2 blocks away. . The storage unit and the moving van are secured, though the van only for Friday, but G will adapt. Tomorrow my ex will drive me out to the hospital to deliver things for mother.
cm - not teething problems, it is a lost cause. Obviously, the hospital is run for the convenience of the staff when they require that a 102 yr. old woman change her mode of dress to suit them. However, I must insist on proper handling of mother's money. The horse case is that G has been charged with keeping animals in distress because a couple of half Arabians are skinnier than the rest and their ribs show. They have always been skinnier - the nature of the beast. G told them his ribs show too, but he is not in distress. One other charge was thrown out and they are scraping the bottom of the barrel to support this one. . Someone is gong into his pastures and looking for things to report to the SPCA - to the point of being ridiculous at times. This is the third time it has gone to court, as the other times they did not have their act together. I hope it gets resolved this time, as it is a cause of much stress. Truly, he has too many horses. Most people could not manage as well as he does. I can agree with that, but they are not in distress. If court requires him to reduce the size of his herd, and keep it smaller, I would be happy.

Time to head off to the bookstore and find another Malcolm Gladwell book. I just finished "Blink" and found it very interesting and thought stimulating.

I want to spend some time later getting caught up on the new people/issues.

bunnyrabbit - I identify with much of what you write, and GraceofGod too. Honouring one's parents does not extend to taking abuse. Love yourself as you love others.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you. :)

Sandwich-Thank you! Don't you just love it when someone has such grandiose entitlement of actually personally owning equipment!

Sharynmarie - I used to be a secretary/"Admin Assistant". We hired in a new person to the admin pool. She sat two cubes away from me. Previous to her hiring, the ONE person she supported basically did most of that work for himself. Some of the tasks, like processing expense reports, faxing, and sorting his mail came to me. Once in a while I'd have to make travel arrangements for him, but he did it himself 80% of the time. It was really no big woop. I supported the VP of the division and was already doing this work for her and the 5 direct reports anyway. What's another person?

When this new person came in, you would have thought she was supporting the entire building of people by herself. She was always in a fluster. Her cube was full of giant sliding piles of paper. She was working overtime to catch up. She looked dissheveled and harried all the time. I never bought it. It looked like bad acting to me. She also referred to all the office equipment as "hers". Funny. She was rude to the rest of us, treated us like second class poop, and did not think twice about putting her burden on somebody else for convenience.

When anyone higher in rank was around though, she was telling them all about her strenuous work load and how her back was going to break under the sheer weight of it. She also cast dispursions on the other admins in our area. She would make side comments about how they were disorganized (said the pot to the kettle...) or had bad phone skills, didn't pick up mail on time, etc. This was a smoke screen to throw people off seeing how thoroughly incompetent she herself was. These things were not true about the other girls, just her. She never tried to take me on because I outranked her in a way and my VP loved me.

She NEVER was willing to let anyone roll their phones to her to take a break. But we had to take her phones all the time for her to scurry off to do God knows what for 45 minutes at a time multiple times a day. Quite frankly, I didn't really want her answering my phone lines. I didn't trust her to take a simple message correctly.

She was eventually downsized and magically all that work went back to what it had been. The office was just so much more calm without this troublemaking stress puppy running around like a Jack Russel Terrier, making so much fuss over the smallest piece of work.

With some people, you have to look past the act. Past the smoke screen. What do you see versus what do you hear out of them? I saw a woman who had no organizational skills, no people/phone skills, and was completely untrainable. I always wondered how she got past the hiring committee other than having a really great show to perform. I think in the end she must have ticked off the wrong person to be downsized in the first round. I guess she wasn't really all that critical after all!

Long after it was all over, we were talking about her. My boss said something to me to the effect that the really busy people in the office didn't have time to talk about how busy they were.

Not listening AND panicking - she's just a delight to work with, Sharyn! But there you are you see - you got through in the end, and the problem got fixed. I'm becoming increasingly convinced the company put you there on purpose :) x

Margeaux~Thank you, I am glad you are seeing this situation more clearly. Today, "A" was cackling and carrying on...the b/d manager was here today. She did give me a sidebar...telling me that she was talked to by the store manager and b/d manager about her hours...going over 40 hours in a week. Of course, her defense was that she has to prep chickens...etc. Well, this is part of her responsibilities as the "fryer" shift. I prep for her the majority of the time anyway.. What I am seeing is that when the b/d manager is at work, she is laughing, cackling and carrying on. I am sure that the b/d manager is passing work onto her before I get there that puts her behind...this is normal. I agree, I really think she is looking out for herself.

GraceofGod~Welcome!!! We understand your pain and confusion. I don't know what you may think about this...it is referred to as "detaching with love." What this means is that you can work on yourself to emotionally detach from the chaos going on around you so it is not nearly as hurtful. Google the above term. In order to detach, I think we must grieve the loss of our childhood and not having loving supporting parents who were not there for us as children. There also Christian sites on the net that deal with detaching and setting boundaries. Hang in there and come back again as we will support you as best we can. Hugs to you!!

Here I am listening to my 90 year old father press the same emotional notes on my 57 year old heart... bittersweet notes, bittersweet arguments, familiarity and contempt rearing its venom on my struggle for faith in times of adversity. I question all that is good and holy in the family relationship underscoring the "is this normal".... It isn't good enough to believe we always hurt those we love! Why my father and I battle to the death when my mother doesn't react to his taunts..
I read the bible and in it there are stories of "dysfunctional family dynamics". God help me as I sort through my own self absorption and narcissistic ways (the apples doesn't fall far from the tree) which have magnified in my psyche now after living with him 2 and 1/2 years. Being true to myself is "not nice" in a dysfunctional environment and I can't pray away the feeling that my only sibling and I will be resentful for the lack of control I displayed around my father .. my part in all of this is I fight back with the devil as I battle to save my soul.... yet how can I win if the commandment is to ""honor thy parents"... In the years I lived apart, they were good memories but some old wounds have reappeared. I am trying to sort through it all while they are here to not learn how to repeat the same mistakes... only I am here complaining aren't I that says it all about me. I just can't accept the truth. My father said so many things tonight but what I feel is this... no matter what my heart offers it is like throwing pearls to swine on a bad day.... overshadowing any good I may do... and that is what makes me strive to say to my father I feel like the devil is in the car with me.... just pure strife and bitterness. His hatred is real....
My younger brother says I am "just like him".... as he gets on the plane to fly 1400 miles away after a 4 day trip home ever 4 to 6 months. We were close always laughing at our dysfunction until now.... I am trying to work on it.... he accepts it....but says IT WON'T BE LONG meaning the time we have left..WHY DO I NEED TO BE REMINDED OF THAT FACT UNLESS HE FEELS I NEED THE REALITY CHECK...OF COURSE EVERY DAY I CHASTISE MY CONSCIOUS WITH THE ANY DAY COULD BE THE LAST I HAVE WITH EITHER OF MY PARENTS AND I FEEL PRESSURED TO GET EVERYTHING RIGHT BETWEEN MYSELF AND GOD IN THE HOPES THAT I CAN GET RIGHT WITH THEM.....the last thing I want is to grow bitter yet I am creating bitterness by trying to face the dysfunction...but I seem to push people away when I worry... I seem to perceive things no one else does yet I am here shouldering all of it not very well it seems.

Tonight I left my mother alone and afraid in her hospital room... that lead to my wanting to return early in the morning... I have an appointment with a counselor at 11:30 am... I asked dad if he wanted to get up early and go stay with mom early.... please tell me why he had to "challenge" my appointment , and then my going early to the hospital.... the battles are always getting in the way of the victories of loving them and myself through this.... God helps us find the good in those who work according to his purpose... I pray this caregiving is God's purpose for my life because I can't live or make it through this alone. My only living brother and I will lose each other over the bitterness I have battled and the pride that rears its ugly head whether I am right or he is right.... always pride gets in the way of love... greed... always about the money.... spent not about the money saved having me here.... and for me the biggest battle of the flesh as I have gained 20 pounds stuffing to avoid negative emotions at times and other times the anxiety that has caused me to choose avoidance rather than to face the giants...I am battling...

Thanks for the post...Godspeed

Sharynmarie,

O.K., now I understand better what you've been experiencing with this very difficult employee. This defect, shall I call it, "not listening," is a terrible trait for anyone having to deal with when really it should take cooperation on several people's behalf to make things run smoothly.

Well, you are so considerate, and honest to be trying to explain this to this idiot!
But you know what, sometimes say when someone isn't listening, and from what you've described here, this is more serious than just not listening. She sounds like she's in total aggravation mode, and just cuts you off. I've been in that situation before with people very close to me. Nowadays when I've come up against this type of hostile resistance, I just back off. There's no sense in trying to explain away to these kinds of people. All this does is take you with them down their angry path. I'm learning that boundaries doesn't just tantamount to what you are preventing the other party from doing, but also applies to ourselves and our reactions to some bizarre scenarios.

I am truly sorry that you are currently working with someone like this.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Have never heard of ACT but it sounds like a very useful program. hope it helps you Bunny

I went to my first session of ACT today. Acceptance Commitment Therapy. What I realized was that I have allowed my mother's behaviour to take over my life. She is actually 5th on my list of what I consider the most important relationships in my life. So I realize I need to step back and detach. My mental and physical health are more important than she is. She's lived to 95. She's had a long, amazing life and doing exactly what she wants. Why should I allow her to destroy my health, my marriage and my relationship with my daughter? I need to get off this merry-go-round.

"Like" isn't the right response, Emjo - what I mean, of course, is that I'm sorry you're having more teething troubles with the SW, and more bits and pieces of hassle. Oh my goodness won't it be wonderful when we get to that oasis in the future where everything is just sorted out…

I must have missed it: what's the court issue ref the horses?

Thanks for the advice...yes, that is just another thing to deal with. It upsets me that he doesn't know who Charles is, or his wife at times. He never knows who I am. Yesterday he called me ma'am. In a few years this will almost be funny. But not today. I am feeling really stressed. And I have to not feel that way. Stressed goes quickly to depressed. And then I will be no good to anyone...
Thanks for listening and have a peaceful day
Christine

Aaargh!!!! Vent.

I packed up mother's toiletries and clothing yesterday. I had already told the SW that I was doing that on the weekend, and also what I was bringing for mother. In addition, I asked her not to OK any more money expenditures without running them past me. I got no response.

This morning I wrote again, and said I would deliver stuff a few days later than I had thought, as I was staying on town and asked if there was anything else mother needed.

The SW gave me a list - all of which I packed yesterday and are at the bottom of boxes. Like when was she going to tell me this? After we had moved things into storage and I had gone back home? She has made no mention of the money she spent without my permission, but said if I wanted to see her to discuss anything, Wednesday would be best. I don't particularly want to see her or discuss anything. I want her to assure me, in writing, that she will make no more unauthorized expenditures. There is just no "tactful" way to say it to her, that I can think of. Also I am asking for an accounting of expenditures to date. There does not seem to be any regular reporting of this and that makes me uncomfortable, as I am responsible for any of mother's money that is spent, I gave the hospital, $2000, at her request, for mother's account, as mother's drugs and supplements are quite costly. Thinking about it that amount seems rather excessive, so I am asking for an accounting every 2 months.

Not sleeping well - thyroid still too high, I think, but it is coming down or I would be more pi**ed off.

Nice dinner with friends, but no G, who had horse issues and was hauling a couple of them around the countryside. Oh well, it could be worse. Back to court tomorrow over the horses and I hope it is done this time whatever the outcome. I know he is stressed about it and this off and on is stressing him more.

Raining today, better most of the rest of the week supposedly.

We too started probiotics about three or four months ago at doctor's suggestion to help control the D. It has worked wonderfully! Used to have multiple explosions each day, and hadn't had one until yesterday. I think that was the result of some food I brought in for dinner. Will never bring that food in, every again! It was a new chain that evidently does well, but not in this household!

So, Christine, try the probiotics to control some of that. My mom has had chronic D for probably 60 years.

Christine~You are such a good person doing all this, I know it comes with being married, helping your husbands family. You are doing such a great job with his parents, kudos to you!!

When my dad was ill with Alz, he would hide his wallet and of course forget where he put it. My mother had a piece of chain cut at a hardware store and attached a clip on one end of the chain to clip the chain on dad's belt loop and had a grommet put in the wallet to attach the chain. It worked well in cutting down having to spend time looking for his wallet and he was in style with the younger men who all were wearing these chains attached to their wallets and belt loops, LOL!!

Cleaning up those "accidents" are always gross, Depends or not. With my Dad I gave him a daily dose of Citrucel which is like Metamucil but doesn't cause gas. Now, I am giving my mom very high-quality probiotics. This has made a big difference and I think she has only had one accident in six months. Probiotics have no other side effects other then introducing good bacteria into the digestive tract.

Margeaux~When I was first transferred to this store, the woman "A" was always complaining, "I have to do to everything and nobody helps me", (boohoo). When someone talks like that, I can't help but feel, she was directing it to me. Her complaint was with the fryer...it has to be filtered everyday. This fryer is different from the fryers I have used and filtered in other stores. I told her I have not filter this type before so just show me how.

Anyway, "A" was off one Monday, so I decided I would try to filter the fryer for her. I apparently put it together wrong and when "A" tried to filter it the next day, it wasn't filtering right. She, of course started in complaining. I tried several times to explain to her that I filtered it and could have put it together wrong...but alas...she would not "LISTEN", interrupted me several times saying, someone broke "my" fryer!! I finally said very loudly, "That someone was ME!! I filtered it yesterday and I did the best I could!" Then I walked over to the b/d manager and told her I was taking a break.

When I came back from my break, then she apologized for pissing me off and that the fryer frustrates her because there are always issues with it. She said she expected the other woman who knows how to filter it to do it, not me. She said I put it together wrong but she fixed it once she understood what happened. Geeze...if you would only LISTEN to what I was trying to tell you, it would not escalate to anger!
It is what it is, I try really hard, but her dumping, complaining gets to me and wears me down.

Anyway, she works today, is off tomorrow...then I am off Wednesday and Thursday...YAY...3 days of not having to be around her, LOL!! Hubby asked for Wednesday off...a day away from the house will do me good...a day in the mountains to relax and view beauty.

Camarylis,

Wow! That's a hard aspect of caregiving, for sure. Over a month ago, my husband and me were there for a visit w/mom, where my sister lives and is in charge of her care. My husband, who always will let's say downplay the ALZ, or any ailments mother has. I know he does this from not knowing enough, and I guess some kind of denial. My sister, somewhat bragged to us, "Well mom is 93, and other people tell me that she's in good shape for her age, etc." She also added, that at least mom could still take herself to the bathroom, and wasn't in diapers. Well, one week later mom started suffering from constipation. This landed her in ER twice. The second time she was admitted to the hospital.
When she was sent home, of course things had really changed, because a frail woman, was even more frail. So now the diaper situation was in. This must be a difficult moment for any elder, no matter the age, gender. His poor wife, since you've said that she's confused, and I do know she's a very small person. How does she manage that part of it? Must be very hard, physically!
Given the many challenges it seems are growing and you're currently facing,
maybe it's time to really start looking for some kind of care outside of your home for him.

But for today, please do as your husband does, forget about it for awhile
and enjoy the movie.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I must say.....I'm a bit confused about how your are dealing with this co-worker.
On the one hand I think you wrote, that she just wants to dump. Then, if I'm understanding correctly, if you say something work related, that she doesn't want to give you the opportunity to say your piece.

Now that you have also indicated that you overheard her talking w/the manager
this could be your big clue that she is an instigator. She sounds like a baitor for sure. Why is it that you are explaining to her about a fryer? Did she ask you about that, or are you volunteering this aspect of your dealings with her?

I hope you don't mind my asking these questions, just trying to understand.
I still nevertheless don't feel that you can trust her, irrespective of how responsible you are.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Looloo,

I so understand what you're experiencing with the husband.
Mine, has been very high strung last two weeks, also. It's causing a lot of tension for me. Yes, definitely good to leave the house for awhile just to get away.
I'm going to do exactly that this a.m., to go see my mom ALONE.

I can relate to your feelings of anger, too. Mother just was always too concerned with other people, like her narcissist sister. When mom was younger and in her prime she manipulated everybody, to get what she only wanted. So unfortunately, sometimes all I feel with her is cordiality. There was a lot of anger caused for sure back in the old days.....and I'm sure I still harbor some repressed anger towards her. I try to forgive, but it's hard to forget. Your situation must be different in the sense that it sounds as if you are more in charge of your mom, I'm not. That makes a big difference, also.

I'm sorry to hear that she's possibly having the UTI.
Good idea not to think about it too much for now.

Big Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks, CM. The universe is trying to tell me something. And yes like courage.
Have a peaceful day
Christine

"I am finding that real kindness is being kind when you don't want to be."

Yes, like courage. Beautifully put, C.

Good morning,
Warning, some gross-ness ahead.
So FIL is the one with severe dementia. He is also a narcissist. MIL is just a little confused, but functions on a daily basis. She is a borderline. Perfect combination for insanity.
Finally got FIL to wear the depends. Charles just took all his underwear so he had no choice. But, he keeps having accidents and the other day I came home to a giant mess and the house just stank. Yesterday too, but both times he would not let me clean him up, thank every deity, only wanted his wife to. He was ashamed. I had to wash everything washable in two rooms. Both times this happened at night. They both go to bed at 8:30 and sleep till at least 10 am. Which is a blessing in a way. Although it is probably not good for them to sleep that much, with additional naps during the day. On the other hand, I know she is exhausted from trying to care for him for the past couple of years.So I am trying not to worry.
FIL is increasingly not there. He doesn't recognize any of us, except occasionally his wife. And their little annoying lapdog. :) He talks a lot about a time when he was 20. Regrets marrying his wife, says they are getting a divorce. (after 67 years) Says he is going to get a job tomorrow. Keeps his wallet like it is his 'precioussss', carries it around, sleeps with it under his pillow, loses it at least once a day. He fondles it, and takes out his money and counts it all day long. This is the part that kind of upsets me. He has never been a nice person, it was always all about him. Charles had a pretty upsetting childhood, with his father's rages and his mothers meltdowns. I am finding that real kindness is being kind when you don't want to be.
Holiday weekends are beginning to look like they will be hell. More time spent in the swamp. Charles and I are going to escape and go to a movie this morning. But I will be worried about what will be happening here. He won't. He keeps saying that they are adults. But they are not. They are lost children. This is harder than I ever expected. Once when I was younger I got married and we were trying to get custody of his kids, who were in a bad situation. The judge asked me what I thought the kids needed, and I naively said Love and Limits. I was wrong there too.
Thanks for listening. I am exhausted. Kudos to everyone that cares for their parents, whether near or far. It is something you just can't be prepared for.
Hugs
Christine

And seeing her...will probably be us going to Idaho once a year...better than nothing and worth it.

My daughter found a home daycare that operates from 6am-12am. They will take 2 infants together...it will cost them $160 more a month than they budgeted for...but it is doable and brings peace of mind for my daughter. We will probably only see our daughter once a year now...this is understandable as they prefer to fly out here...paying for seating for 4 will be expensive.

CM~You dont have any reason to apologize to me. I always bend over backwards to keep things flowing positively. Today was better so no need for me to say anything. I am going to pay more attention because I am thinking her real problem is that she that she gets overwhelmed during stressful times like this holiday weekend (Memorial Day Weekend). I will watch, learn, listen...this will help me to understand her better. I have learned at my age, that when things at work become overwhelming...tackle one thing at a time, take deep breathes,continue to move forward. Sometimes we still get done on time, others times we don't...but when you start to panic, obsess and feel that you are the only one who does everything...it all falls apart.

Thank you everyone for your responses and support. I have vented about this enough now. Hopefully, she will have a decent day tomorrow again. I hate to walk on eggshells around someone, time will tell. Hugs!!

Thanks Sad1: Your brother sounds like a piece of work! But what can we do? It's up to my mother whether she enables my brother to stay unemployed for years as he depends on my mother's money for his "bread and butter", his words exactly. So I keep praying the Serenity Prayer and my CD's on relaxation and stress relief. I have a lot of anger and resentment still going on. The last time I talked to my mother I asked her why she considers me worth less than the rest of the family. For Christmas for example she gave my husband and I old used ornaments and used toiletries from my Dad who died 3 years ago while my daughter right in front of me was given a diamond silver necklace and my brother was given a check. The whole family has been given large sums of money while I have been given nothing. I am treated as the scapegoat and the black sheep of the family. My sister died 3 years ago and the book she had published after she died is all the validation I should need for my mother's unloving behavior. I really need to let go. Blessings from Bunny

Sharyn - that gal sounds like a real trouble maker. I think you are right about boundaries.

cm - I am proud of you!!! a level headed discussion with your female sib!!! Out of sight, out of mind indeed!!!

Made a decision to stay here the rest of the week. It will mean changing rooms a couple of times to get the cheap rates, but that is not a big deal. I didn't pack much anyway thinking I was coming for just 3 nights, but I can manage, and maybe buy another pair of slacks cheap. I want to get some white summer ones anyway. G is not going to be here in time tonight to get to the storage place. Then he suggested doing that and a bunch of other things tomorrow morning and still getting me on the bus at noon. I don't think so!!! I got the room cheap enough so it basically is the same as a cheap flight back and forth. Even the bus costs $200 plus taxis, and I have energy issues to deal with. I will get G to water the indoor plants and nothing else really needs my attention that he can't deal with. I have to eat anyway and can cook at mothers if I want to, so that works. This gives me time to do more sorting and packing at a slower pace, find more boxes, buy packing tape, some garbage bags for the shoes etc. take stuff out to the hospital and so on. Breathing a sigh of relief. This feels much more comfortable and I won't be doing it much more often. I will arrange to see the social worker, too, while I am here and maybe get my eyeliner done. Need to change my bus ticket - that is all.
Just call me flexible lol.

I agree, Sharyn, I don't think you can ignore it - I had in mind more, killing her with kindness? - (metaphorically speaking, of course!)

Emjo be proud of me! I consulted my sister on the diplomatic point of whether there could be anything to gain from asking brother to try, at least, changing his travel plans. We had a level-headed discussion about it, and agreed that no there wasn't. So, when mother has forgotten his existence on more than the odd fleeting occasion (as sadly has happened once or twice), he'd better not complain, nor wring his hands, nor take it as proof of mother's advanced dementia. Out of sight, out of mind.

I overheard heard her talking to the bakery/deli manager yesterday about the decorator not doing her job...the b/d manager asked her, what time did she come in anyway. My point is, they were discussing the decorator about not doing her job, yet she does not talk to the decorator like she is to me.
Yes Margeaux, some of it is her venting negatively and over doing it, and yes, as I posted a while back, this woman walks away when I try to ask a question or tell her something like I was trying to tell her how I filtered the fryer for her and put it together wrong..she would not listen. I need to set a boundary with her regarding this, and I just realized that maybe...she is being so hard with me is because management may have said something to all of them regarding the chicken fiasco...putting pressure on them and she is taking it out on me.