The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

My daughter totally stressed out. Can't find daycare for the hours she works...11am-8pm. She is a supervisor for a banks call center, makes more than her hubby who is a dispatcher for Idaho State Police. Plus she works Saturday and hubby has rotating shifts. I wish I could help her.

Pi fall for it everytime. IAD.

I fell a few weeks ago causing the yard waste can to fall on me, splitting my forehead open. It was a big wake up call for me. I did fall off the wagon on May 12 after I took my daughter to the airport after her visit. We had a genders reveal baby shower for her with family and friends as she is having twin boys.

Thank you Sad1~I have developed a drinking problem so am currently on the wagon.

sharynmarie - I didn't go back far enough to read what you had done to yourself....blood?? Hope you are ok!

bunnyrabbit - I have taken a well deserved and needed break from my mother - going next week - AFTER my brother finally going after over 2 years and asking her for lots of $$$ - should be interesting! Enjoy your break - if you are on this post - you need it!!

I am spending this day off decluttering some closet. I also decided to tackle the blood on the shirt I was wearing when I fell the last time. I did not want to deal with it as it was a reminder of what I have gotten myself into. Anyway, I bought laundry detergent ERA 3x's the power. I applied it on all the stains, rubbed it in and let it sit for 30 minutes. It has removed all the dried blood after I filled the sink with cold water and more detergent. For fresh blood stains you can use hydrogen peroxide on your clothing, bedding etc. It is good to know with having to use IV's or other situations where our elderly may have blood stains.

Management said nothing to me yesterday. I did hear though that the chicken situation has been resolved. I am being very vigilant in checking the department for anything that has been left out by other co-workers worked earlier in the day. However, I am finding it difficult to deal with the co-worker I posted about who constantly says I am doing 10 things at once and no one will help me. She gets rattled easily, is only 30 yrs. old but has 10 years with the co. Some days she is laughing all day and talking, talking, talking...then other days she is raging, complaining. So I just listen, take what she says that I can improve on and let the rest go. I wish I could transfer but have been told the district supervisor says she will not transfer anyone right now as all stores are full. She told me this before so I am going to fill out a transfer anyway and see what happens.

I am off next Wednesday and Thursday. Hubby is going to see if he can get Wednesday off...I really need a day in the mountains...get away from all this drama!

Thanks for all your sharing on this thread. I am back on antidepressants due to my reactions to my mother. I would love to let her behavior just roll off my back and not react. Then I could sleep without waking up in the night and having enough stuff reeling in my head to write a book. I've been led to the book "Mothers Who Can't Love" and am working on writing a letter to my mother which I won't send her but can share with a safe person in my life. The letter consists of what happened, how I felt at the time, how it has affected me and what do I want now. I've been realizing the effect of all the put-downs, criticism, not be loved, cared for or protected, shamed etc. I've been identifiying all the patterns from my mother that continues to this day. The gaslighting has been so bewildering I was too confused and shocked to ever be angry I now realize. Right now I'm taking a time out from her. I'm very grateful for the section on the tea party relationship that I would like to aim for with my mother, surface, unemotional, boundaried, guarded, quick to change the subject. It's all quite the journey and ending on a positive note a real learning experience for sure.

For me it's the AL. If I haven't seen that in a while, when I do read it again, I automatically read it as Alabama in my head. I need to put a marker on that thread as a reference point. Quicker than googling the acronym.

Glad, I know, that is what I wondered! New Hampshire...maybe I can send my FIL there...haha.
:-}
Christine

Christine, you didn't know that New Hampshire has the most and best nursing homes in the country?! LOL!

And thank you again for listening to me...this really helps and I feel like I am not so alone...
Christine

Man, this just keeps getting more convoluted. Yesterday one of the grandsons of my inlaws declared that he was taking their house. Charles is the heir, so this is just crazy talk. But I don't need vulture relatives on top of everything else right now. What is wrong with people?
FIL was quiet last night at dinner. He did eat, though he had refused lunch. Good news, MIL weighs 89 lbs. From 80 when she got here two weeks ago. That is such a relief. FIL, however, has lost 3 lbs. He eats nearly as much as she does, so don't know why he is losing weight. He is much more disturbed than she is. Yesterday was up and down. He was yelling at and threatening Charles again during the day, but he was quiet at dinner. Charles told him to quit talking like that, and went to work. FIL went to bed and I heard him in there talking to himself and fussing at the top of his lungs. I decided to ignore him, I was trying to take a nap, I am so tired! I tried to put a chair outside so FIL can go sit there. He wants to be outside. Probably planning his next escape but he cant't get far so I am not too worried. He is mad at MIL and not speaking to her, except when he says ugly things. Didn't want me to put the chair near her outside. He has been sitting on the side deck. It gets hot there, so MIL was fussing at him that he would get sunstroke. Sigh.
I am very hopeful that the new doctor he will be seeing in June will help us get him into the hospital so we can start the process for the nursing home. I am so hating this. I wish there were some magic way that he could settle down and just relax and let me take care of him. But no flipping way, apparently. I feel guilty about wanting him gone. MIL is enough by herself, she is needy. But I think she will be happier if he is gone. I can just imagine what visits to the NH will be like. :-} And I love the thread about abbreviations. When I first read someone's post about her mother in NH I thought it was New Hampshire, and wondered why that kept coming up in other posts. Hahah.
Have a peaceful day,
Christine

Scarlet what helped me was visualizing taking my power back from Mom she lost her power to make me feel bad and cry -it felt good to tell myself she can no longer hurt me it is detaching which is what emjo is talking about at first it seemed strange but as you do it it becomes easier and feels normal.

Sad - I wish could see your yard too, It sounds beautiful. A new attorney might be the ticket. I don't understand why your mother's wishes do not supercede the CPA's. Who complains? Your bro or any interested party who thinks they see irregularities, I believe and they all have to go through a proper process. That is the case here anyway. There is no problem paying you for your work as long as that is stipulated in the document.

Marg - I don't know if you could look into it. I think it would have to be your sister who is POA, though you might be able to challenge his performance as POA. I think you would need legal help for that. If your mother is competent, she can give what she wants to whoever. Otherwise her assets have to be used for her care only, in any POA document I have seen. I think you could challenge your sis on that, but again may need legal advice.

cm - I think the principles are the same here and overseas though there may be variations from place to place. I saw one document for Alberta that says you (the attorney) do not have to disclose any financial information to family members, as that would infringe on the individual's privacy. Considering how mother has cut herself off, it speaks loudly to keeping everything private. My sis got her daughter to ask me about mother, as sis has not had any contact with mother for a while. My answer was that my information was that mother wants no contact. I agree about the exam. Your mother was quite the traveller - and only a few years ago. Nice idea about the animals. I would think that edible inks would be easier. 2017 is not that far off, but lots can happen in that time. (((((hugs))))

This morning, I had a good chat with the Health and Wellness Coordinator at mother's place. We like on another so we will stay in touch and do lunch or whatever sometimes when I am in town.

I am wrestling with being a bit hyperthyroid. Hope it drops down to normal levels. It takes up to 6 weeks for the synthroid to get out of your system. I am hoping my thyroid will kick in and keep the levels normal. If not it is back to a lower doses. Autoimmune conditions can recover. The synthetic hormone is a life saver if you need it, but I do not feel "normal" most of the time I am on it I have "brain fog", fatigue and so on much of the time. This past week the brain fog has lifted and it makes a huge difference to my quality of life. :-D

Have a good evening everyone

Seconded, thank you Emjo for the POA notes. I idly think, sometimes, that people should be made to take an exam before they're allowed to accept POA - the more I see of the hot water well-intentioned people get themselves into the harder I realise it is to do.

Yes I know it should make me be nicer to my sister. Tchah.

Thanks for the comforting words about the forthcoming party, too - we'll get there. And wonder of wonders I had an email from my brother about it, as well, saying there wasn't anything he didn't like on the menu, so that was okay (oh good?!), and no we wouldn't provide a bar - he admitted he was biased about that, because he'll be driving. I don't think he expects us to take him too seriously. I emailed back and said if he'd do an iPod compilation of mother's favourite music I'd let him off writing a speech and corral either my other brother or my son, as senior grandson, into doing it instead. No reply to that one so far.

Internally debating the cake now. Mother wants sponge, not fruit, tricky for large numbers of people but I reckon I'll bake squares and then cover them with rolled out fondant icing? I used to be a decent-ish baker, made my own wedding cake, I guess it'll all come back to me. I have in mind a carnival of the animals theme, reflecting mother's love of wildlife - she travelled the world to photograph them. Last major trip was to a tiger reserve in India. Went horribly wrong when she slipped in the shower at the safari lodge and broke her collar bone, hours being bumped over rough terrain to the nearest (excellent) hospital, then she rang me high as a kite on Tramadol and started telling me what time she'd be landing at Heathrow like I already knew all about it. Three years ago, that was. It seems time immemorial. Anyway: anyone ever heard of commercial confectioners making snow leopards, tigers, lions, cheetahs, elephants, polar bears, koalas, orang utans and penguins for cake decoration purposes? Not to scale, naturally. I have in mind that each animal would hold a candle, one per decade. Or maybe get photos on rice paper in edible inks? Someone on the internet must do it, surely?

And another intimation of mortality, second one today, from my other loving daughter. She sent me her training rotation schedule, which will take her up to September 2017. Imagine confidently planning out your life to September 2017. Three Christmases running she'll be on a neonates ward. And where will I be? And how many of them will her granny be around for?

Oo dear feel very peculiar about it.

Emjo,

Thank for the heads up about POA. These are questions that come up every now and then, given my "golden boy," bro's tenuous circumstances when it comes to money. He recently, seems like on the verge of losing his job,
(hopefully not) since it w/put him in a hole financially. He has a mortgage. So my sister on occassion, has mentioned about possibly liquidating some of mother's assets (property). I know she thinks that then......she'd just give some of the proceeds of a sale of property to my brother as a way to help him. But when she hinted at this, I wondered whether this was legal for her to do as mom's POA. Personally, I think these kinds of arrangements just invite trouble in the beginning and the end.
But, of course I didn't say boo to my sister on that note.

A side bar to this situation w/golden boy, is the fact that our parents owned some property, they never did anything with, out in the desert. So they owned a piece of land. Well, during this brother's reign as the POA, this property was sold, and since he didn't keep any books, (accounting), it's a complete mystery as to when this happened and where that money went. My guess is it went to his pocket, given to him by mom. Into adulthood, my brother managed to play the complete victim with her, and she bought it! I have this seeping in the back of my mind, when my brother's financial dilemma's surface, I must say. I'm wondering if there's a way for me, the (unnappointed of the siblings) to find out when this property was sold. That had to have been a good chunk of money.

Anyway, thanks.
Gives me something to think about.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I wish we could post pictures on here - our backyard is so pretty - have to brag...we went to a garden viewing down in Sacramento for mothers day - and I think our backyard was nicer than any of those! LOL! braggy! We just finished turning our front lawn into a courtyard with a deck and fence for privacy - it has a koi fountain and Japanese maple etc - not too many plants - but enough easy care ones.

ahhh - well - my CPA - who is very good - and has read the trust said it was perfectly fine for us to have the trust be a business and pay for some of the services that I am doing above and beyond my mothers needs - property management etc - and we have been doing that - not excessively - but I put in at least 40-50 hours a month that has to do with other items.. Fortunately - I was jointly on my mom's account for years before she got sick. She is with it enough to tell me what she wants to do for gifts - she wanted to gift money to everyone - except my brother and his wife - attorney told me I couldn't do that - so I send everyone the same amount. So - here is a question - if it is just he and I - who complains about the way things are handled?? I just don't really understand how it is really enforced. I guess I could google it - just tired...Thank you for the list - I will save this and see if either of those attorneys contact me. I believe this is the 2nd time my attorney hasn't called me back. Great.

sad - you might send some of this kind of info to your bro - even a note from the lawyer to back you up. Sounds like mum can afford to pay for a lawyers note!!!

thx sad - your yard sounds lovely. Solar lights!!!

regardless of the amount of money, the principle is the same. This is your mother's money and to be used for her. Once she passes and he, presumably, inherits some of it, he can do what he wants with it. Look up the conditions of your POA financial. I think it will be clear.

Here are some "Do Not's" from a website. You should consult with the lawyer who drew up the document.

DO NOT

1. DO NOT give gifts from the Donor’s property or finances unless the power of attorney specifically permits you to do so.
2. DO NOT place the Donor’s assets into joint ownership with yourself. If you already have a joint account with the Donor, you should review the purpose of the joint account and consider closing the account to keep the Donor’s share separate.
3. DO NOT manage the Donor’s affairs for the benefit of anyone other than the Donor. The Donor’s best interests are your sole concern. You cannot profit from your appointment as an attorney under any circumstances. Even where the Donor’s property is being sold for a legitimate purpose at fair market value, an attorney’s purchase of such property may still constitute a breach of the attorney’s duty to put the Donor’s best interests first.
4. DO NOT sub-delegate your responsibility as attorney unless the power of attorney specifically permits you to do so.
5. DO NOT borrow money from the Donor under any circumstances. -

I think it is pretty clear that the money is to be used only for your mother - unless she is competent and she OK's giving a gift to some one. I am in Canada and have had ample warning from mother's lawyer regarding the use of her money - for her only!!!

Got some packing done, headache gone - wonderful!!! but - still no phone call re the extra night aaaargh!

Hope this helps. Being firm with a greedy sib is not easy I know ((((((hugs))))))

Emjo - so excited to hear about your upcoming wedding! Too bad you are so far away - our yard still looks nice from our sons reception! Still have all the solar lights up!

Ok - so - have to say - there is PLENTY of money in the trust - plus 3 properties all paid for and worth quite a bit. There is no way we could use it all on her care. Plus there is a separate checking account that I am on jointly with her - that has enough in there - and unfortunately he knows enough to be dangerous. ugh.

thanks margeaux - the shopping has been fun. A nice diversion. I am thankful I got what I did here, as it is not always easy to find the right size etc. I found some ballet shoes which fit too and were on sale, so I bought a couple of pairs as my last pair is about 20 yrs old and wearing out. I don't have an easy time with shoes, so grab a pair or two when I find a style that fits. I finally threw away a pair of Nikes that must have been 25 yrs old and I bought them for $25 on sale.

Having an aggravating day. I extended my hotel bookings for this and next weekend an extra day through website: booking.--- and got email notice to call a number to confirm it. Then the fun started and no one knows how to confirm my request, not even the hotel. I had slept poorly last night, so had taken something to help me have a nap this afternoon, which I normally never do, but G comes home tonight and we have to look at the basement etc, and do lots of things and I need my wits about me. Then the hotel fiasco. They said they would get back to me by phone, so I thought I had better not try to sleep, but I fell asleep sitting up for a bit anyway. Now, as well as no hotel confirmation, and no decent nap, I have a headache, so I will take some caffeine and an aleve, hope for the best and start doing what I have to that does not require me leaving the house so I miss the call. You would not think it was that complicated.

I think we will set a wedding date once we are further along in these other events like basement renovations, major dental work and moving mother. Not that mother may not cause a ruckus any time, but, at least, we will not be moving furniture. I now have several outfits I bought online to take down to her and hope she will wear some of them - her belated Mother's day and birthday gifts. If she gets wind of any "special events" she will create an emergency for sure. I may not inform family, except my kids, about G and I, (strange I know, but all part of the dysfunction) until after the event. I don't want my sister there, there are no cousins close enough to come and I want it small anyway.

I asked my daughter if she would like to be matron of honour if we go that way and she said yes. Oldest son will give me away. I think I would like other son up there in some capacity too - man of honour or something. Apparently that is not unusual these days. I need time to discuss these things with G, as he does not realise how much time it takes to plan stuff like this and seems to manage to get things done at the last minute. I can't operate that way. Other people need some advance notice too. He hasn't even started moving on the rings which he wants someone he knows to make.

sad - a sib with $ signs in their eyes is not unusual. I would not open the door to that one. You are responsible for keeping your mother's money for her.

Christine - glad your fil is settling down for now. Hope you can get the process of moving him into a facility going. I know it is complicated, but many here have done it, and I believe you may be able to get some help - agency for aging perhaps. The application takes some time to process, and who knows how he will be by then? Don't want to be a wet blanket, but they can decline quickly.

marg - hope your bro survives the write ups

happy day everyone - off to start being productive, headache and all. :)

Sad1- my sister is DPOA for mom. She wanted to use moms money for a new ac/heating. She said she would deduct the cost from her inheritance when mom passes. She talked to moms elder law attorney and he said absolute NO! the money is for your mothers care only.

Margeaux - thank you...So - just called both of them again - and left messages. Yes - I am the POA and always the one that was practical and together. Think I need a new attorney - but really want advise on how to do this. My husband is freaking out - as he feels (and I do too) that this is just opening the door to a new ATM machine for them. I guess they wouldn't need the money if she didn't buy new red convertible corvettes, or get new living room furniture every few years (mine is 16 years old!). They have never lived within their means and have just been waiting for my parents to die...such bad Karma. Anyway - if anyone had a similar situation - would love to hear your experience - and advise....

Margeaux,
Yes, apparently this morning he kind of knew where he was again. Still doesn't like it. And he keeps hiding his wallet and checkbook. When he has them he fondles them, kind of a 'my preciousss' thing going on there. Weird. Luckily I know the usual places for him to hide them. So he thinks I have super powers for finding things, haha, which of course I do!
Have a peaceful day
Christine

Sad,

Welcome back. We missed you too.

So you aren't getting you phone calls returned by the attorney?
That doesn't sound good at all. Remind me, are you the POA?
In any case do try to get some legal advice about this "loan," your brother is asking about. You are right! I'm sure your mother's care is quite costly, and one never knows what other expenses may be incurred. What about how long the care may be, etc. $15,000 is no chump change, no matter for what your brother thinks he may use it for.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Camaryllis,

Your FIL has been making some adjustments, no matter the Dementia, too.
Possibly, he's getting used to the idea of being in another environment?

Poor things, yes I'm sure talking and describing their bowel movements especially in great detail doesn't serve for the best of conversations for a caregiver.

Hug,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

So glad to see you back here. You certainly have a lot going on right now.
I'm so glad for you that it sounds as if you will be able to get your mother moved in before your wedding date.

So she turned 102? Whoah! That's amazing! Sure, minus the chicken stories and phone calls.

This is wonderful to hear about your wedding plans, the dress, the undies, everything. How sweet that your grand daughter wants to be a flower girl.
Well, I hope that G finds that camera again, sure he will.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad, I am sorry about your mom. I know, I can't imagine how it must feel to be so confused. I am really glad my FIL didn't get combative with me, I don't think I could have handled it last night. I am so tired. And I feel so sad for them both. Charles has better boundaries than I have. I let things affect me. And I know it is not good for me to do that.
Hugs
Christine

Sandwich, I get blow by blow descriptions of my MIL's bowel movements too. Amazing how big a thing this can be to a person. And i have noticed a higher sanity level in her too after this event and the telling of it. She is so much more sane than my FIL it is great, but there are downsides there too.
Remember when your kids were little and they wanted to proudly show you their potty? Well, I am grateful that we are not there now. Sigh.
Have a peaceful day
Christine

Mom called last night and my hero husband took the call for me. I'm battling strep & an ear infection and just didn't have a call with her in me.

They had a lucid and sane (for her) conversation. She insisted on talking to me anyway with "really big news" that I got the blow by blow detail on.

Now I know two things:

1. Really big news in the NH = "I pooped"
2. Her recent bowel disimpaction = higher level of sanity today. I knew this, but I forgot I knew this.