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Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for all of your support. Your words helped me find peace. No I am not getting paid for what goes on here. There is no money. I am here (with my husband) because we (I) didn't want to see her alone, as physically and mentally she started to slow down. We are doing the best we know how. We honestly did not know what was going to come our way. I knew she was "difficult" (leftovers from the past), but some where I decided time may have softened her heart. Well, we all have dreams :) but to read your words, I started to feel better about what is going on. My mother can and does test our patiences (spelling is bad) I know we don't always cook things she likes but we don't like tomatoes that much. We work at keeping her safe, we have caught at least 3 different events where there would have been a fire due to electricity shorts. I can't tell you the number of times we have walked up over the stairs and she had let something on the stove cook down to blackened food and that is not what it was suppose to be. She can still take care of herself in a limited form. We are trying to keep her dignity intact. But when there is a goof up on her part, and we have to tell her what has happened and why she can't do that "thing" anymore, she takes offense and pouts. I understand that as we age we become "children" again in our reaction to life. Oh, well. We care about this woman and how she lives out the rest of her life. Because one day it will be our turn to be the old one. She seems very afraid of this aging process and my heart goes out to her. She has basically out lived her body and she can't do anything about it. She was always a very controlling person, this is something that is out of her control. I don't say this with any disrespect for her, I say this in pity. Thank you all again and thank you for listening one more time. I will be back again soon. Thank you for the invitation to this thread.
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You all know I have posted about my lower back pain, leg and knee pain. Anyway, when I got off work last night, I stopped at Walgreens to buy Mineral Ice. This is not recommended, but I have never had any ill effects from doing this....I rub the Mineral Ice over my lower back then apply the heating pad. It provides a deep penetrating heat to the muscles of my lower back. When I got up this morning...no deep bone aching in my back or legs. People who have thin skin with no fatty tissue or have sensitive skin could actually receive burns from doing this so again I don't recommend it for everyone.

Taking mom out for a haircut and color late this afternoon and out to dinner after. I also have to take her eye glasses in as on of the lenses has come out of the frame. I think they will need to get new lenses because it looks chipped in a couple places. I also have to get her some new eyebrow pencils...she will look all dolled up by the time I bring her back and well fed, LOL!!

Next week, I actually get 2 consecutive days off!!! I am so excited about that...all the things I need to catch up on here at home. Sad to think I get excited about catching up at home, Hahaha!!
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Book~Thank you for the info, I did all of it but it did not help. It is really strange because it only happens when I go onto a thread to read the posts. I can read the first post with everything on the right side as it should be, but once I scroll down to the second post on the page, the ads jump over to the left side blocking me from reading, as I continue to scroll down, the ads jump back to the right side when I reach the last post on the page. Anyway, Ashley, the community moderator, sent me an email and said they are looking into it. It only started doing this the last couple days. I will stick to my computer when reading AC. Thank you Ashley, you are always so great about responding to our little issues with the site!!
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Hello everybody, I want to catch up on some reading on the thread and see how you all are doing. I've been on Facebook more and more and more lately, which I see as a good thing since I'd like to make friends/connections in my area. I've reconnected with old friends, made some new acquaintances, and my social calendar is full of things I could do every single day, if I wanted to. My energy level seems to be coming up slow and steady. I find myself taking notice of simple things, simple feelings, that are positive. I have tried to think what is causing the positive direction of health and I think it may be largely new air purifier and then maybe I'm just getting back on track after so many illnesses in March/April. I am juicing green veggie juice here and there, and the HVAC ducts got a thorough clean out… so… just feeling better in general than I have in awhile and I'm very pleased. There's a local job fair next week on 20th, I figure I will go and check it out. I don't know exactly how I can commit to a work schedule with still so many medical appointments ongoing for my dad, but doesn't hurt to just go to job fair…

And would you believe it snowed in Chicago today?!? Where is global warming when you need it? ;-) Happy Friday, everyone, will get caught up on some reading and be back later.
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Camaryllis - do I understand you correctly that you are trying to ascertain medical history info for your FIL and he gets care through VA? If that is the case, the VA has a website that's fairly new, they call it the My HealtheVet site, when I clicked the link just now to verify URL it popped up differently, so looks like they are making some changes to the site, but just search for it and you should find it easily. You have to set up login credentials to use the site, and you might need to call someone or go into VA for assistance for that. BUT - once you have access to the site, it has all medical history, meds they are taking, doctor's care they are under, etc. You can make appointments and order Rx refills directly from that web portal. (I think "portal" is proper term for that type of website…)
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Ladydi,

I meant to say......maybe you were on the wrong thread.
Margeaux
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Ladydi,

Welcome. Maybe you were on the wrong site! No one has the right to judge a caregiver, especially for being paid. This attitude of not acknowledging the $$ value a person w/in the family doing the caregiving is wrong. Actually, in many instances I even find it to be exploitive. Just because you are a relative of the person who needs care, and if situations make it impossible for that CG to work outside the home, there's nothing wrong about receiving a paycheck for this.
But overall, it just goes to show you how society views this. Unfortunately, I also think this invariably affects women. Besides, it sounds like you're doing 24/7, so yes.......it merits a paycheck, in my book. If I were doing that for my mother, I have to admit I would be in a position, financially speaking where I would look into this kind of arrangement. I've often read about CG's that go through so much stress who aren't paid, all until the time of death of a loved one. It's dog gone hard enough, just making sure all their needs get met, but what about a CG's??

You're doing the best you can by your mother. I can tell by your post also that you can see both sides of it. Congratulations.
Come here and vent anytime, and share all you want. There's nobody making judgments here. This is safe territory.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Austin,

Poor kitty. Have you tried rotating on the brand of his food?
I know that when Vanilla was alive (cat shared by my husband & neighbor),became older he started to have stomach issues. She started to change the brands of food he was eating. He ate better with some brands.
I do remember he becoming extra picky. He didn't want to eat wet food for awhile, too.

It's hard when our little pets are having a difficult time.
O.K., try giving him some little kitty massages. They really love it when
you massge their heads.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Margeaux - Thanks for responding. My mom called 911 during the hospital stay. No I do not live with them. I live three house up from them. My dad is the in charge person there but I help out ALOT with my mom. I have talked to my dad about health issues dealing with my mom. My dad feels bad for mom and think he is helping her. Dad and I both monitor the oxgyen situation. More so he cause he is there all the time with her. But it just gets to the point of have to tell them repeatedly about things that needs to need to be done and my dad saying you can't maker her do what she doesn't want to do. I totally get that! It is just so frustrating cause I am not trying to harm her but help her.

I am sorry to hear about your mom and dad. I know it is hard on all of us! I will look into what you suggested.

Thanks again! Hugs to you!! Kim
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You sound as though you are coping very well with your new guests. It is so good that you are ready to educate yourself for what will be a difficult ride. FIL has what is call 'Sundowning". it happens when the patient becomes agitated from as early as mid afternoon till literally when the sun goes down and this may continue all night.
As you have realized you need to get both in laws to see an MD and sort out their medications and if necessary add something for FIL. numbers are not as important where weight is concerned as long as they are willingly eating a good diet and appear to be in good health. Rest assured that you are doing a good job.
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LadyDi,
Sometimes people hit 'send' too soon. I hear you about trying to take care of your mother without support. You are doing the best you can, and that you are doing it all is amazing. Not everyone will do the caregiving. And I am glad you are at least getting some compensation, as you are giving up your life to do this.

Peace,
Christine
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Hello again,
Well, things are settling down a little. It has been a full two weeks with my inlaws living with us. At first, my FIL was angry and upset and kept demanding to go home. My MIL would argue with him that this was his home now, and he would get mad and say ugly things to Charles and I. I started managing their meds, my MIL was not able to see enough to get the right pills for each of them at the right times. Since I have been doing that, they have settled down a bit. I think that was a problem, that they have been taking this handful of meds for decades and not taking them was affecting them. Anyway, that part is better. I have also been cooking for them, and also providing them with baked goods, which they love. Both are severely underweight. My MIL was 80 lbs when she arrived. Went to the Dr. with her yesterday and she is 87 lbs. Most she has been in several years. So I feel that is a success. Haven't been able to get FIL on the scale, Charles might be able to. Even underweight he is too heavy for me! I am starting to feel a bit less stressed about all this.

I did notice something over the past few days. At night my FIL (who has mid to late dementia) has been getting agitated. He wanders around the house looking for my MIL, who has slept in a separate bedroom for decades. And looking for his wallet, which he hides inside his pillowcase. I was reading something on a website that this actually has a name, and is part of the dementia/Alzheimers mix. That is actually a relief, because I was worried that he was getting worse. Well, he is getting worse but the confusion is happening more at night. I am also wondering if the meds he takes at night are causing some of this. He gets his meds from the VA, I think. I am trying to figure out their situation, but neither can give me much info. Anyway, one of the things he takes is called Milltown, which is for anxiety, I think. I read some info on it, and one of the things that can happen when it is taken for long periods of time is that it stops working. It should be relaxing him and making him drowsy, but maybe it isn't. I need to figure out how to get him transferred to the VA here and see if I can ask the doctor then.

This is the hardest part for me, ferreting out the information when they are not able to give it coherently. And figuring out how to deal with state and government agencies for care. I think there is a caregivers class that I can take somewhere, has anyone else done this?

Thanks for listening, this group is saving my sanity.
Christine
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Lady-welcome to this thread. No judgements here. You will get support, you can share safely or just vent. What you are doing is hard enough without someone accusing you or judging you. Come back anytime.
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LadyDi-
There are some on this site that will say things without thinking about how it may impact the person actually providing the care for an aging loved one. And sometimes they come from where they are that day. They may be having a particularly stressful day. Some do not provide the day to day care which is a very difficult job. In a facility, family caregivers have delegated care to others and I'm sure have issues as to whether things are being handled appropriately or not. Whether your loved one is in a facility or being cared for at home there are challenges, though very different.

I have seen some things said, that could be easily taken as attacks. Sometimes people write things and they are not interpreted correctly. Most on this site, especially if providing day to day care will agree with the concept of being paid. It is permitted by Medicaid to the extent of what care agencies charge, though few receive that much as payment and many are fortunate to receive any compensation at all.
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Hello everyone, I don't often get on this site. But when I do I always seem to say the wrong thing or maybe I am on the wrong thread. who knows. Anyway, once someone responded to my "venting" with "you are only there to get the money and pad your checking account so "buck up" or get out. The next time I made the mistake of talking about my aging mothers behavior, eating odd stuff, we make sure she has the "right" stuff in the house, which she eats.....but she loves her sweets, eggs and tomato anything. She doesn't sleep well anymore she just naps but she is safe we live in the basement and can hear when she is up. But I was told on this site that adult protection should be called in or someone will be calling them on "me". This person never asked me any questions about our situation, just passed judgement on me from my words. I was venting and left out the details. My childhood was scary and I ended up with PTSD as result. I feel my mother deserves love, compassion, and peace in her life now. I moved here because my brother and sister couldn't be bothered. I felt sorry for this woman, my mother, and decided it was time someone cared about what happened to her. I am not feeling "special" just trying to do the right thing for my mother. We have always clashed, but we are finding our way. She is confusing, but she is doing the only things she knows how to do. She is who and what she is. I respect her for all that she did do that was good in her life. she is a strong woman, she is going deaf and slowly going blind. And there is nothing that can be done to stop that. She is terrified of the aging process because it something that she can't control. I understand that. I try to show her kindness and caring and most of the time she accepts it, but every now and then she will say or do something unkind. that is her way. She makes me smile and cry, but that is my mother. I only want her to be safe, warm, and cared for at this point in her life. I am not perfect, I never was. I am going to make mistakes along the way. It is the beauty of being human. Thank you for listening I pray the angels will guide you all in what you are trying to do, I want all of you to find peace in your efforts to keep your loved one safe. Thank you
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195Austin: Try finding a natural vet in your area: http://www.ahvma.org/
Good luck.
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CORRECTION: Hard Shut down is that you hold the Power Button down for about 10 seconds. When the pop up window opens, IGNORE it. Continue to hold the button down until the kindle shuts off.
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Sharyn, I don't have the problem with my kindle. But when my kindle freezes (quite often), I do a hard shut down.

First, make sure it's fully charged. Unplug it from the outlet or computer. I'd close down all the sites you have open. Wireless on. Hold the OFF button down, until a pop up asks if you want to shut it down. Yes.

Turn it on. Now let's clean your cache. Go to the Agingcare website.
On the top left (or right or bottom - depending on your kindle), hit the white icon that looks like a paper with 3 white lines.
Click on SETTINGS
Scroll down to CLEAR BROWSER DATA ( or to some kindles: Clear all cookie Data...Clear Cache... Clear History) and check mark all or just the cookie.

Hopefully this will work. If not, there is a complicated instruction on how to check your settings from your computer with the kindle connected. I never tried this so... hopefully the above works. =)
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Book- I need some input from you regarding the kindle. Lately with kindle, the advertising on the right side has jumped to the left side blocking me from reading the posts. ..are you experiencing this? AC...if you read this do you have answers or suggestions to stop this...very frustrating.
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Thank you both of you sane people! I know it's my own problem, but the problem I have with this is the instant childish gorge rising so that you want to say "fine! Do what you like! Just DON'T expect me to come!"… Very hard to remember that actually we do all just want mother to have a nice time.

AND, just in the nick of time, mother has woken up! She came with me to our local venue this afternoon - we had tea there, as 'mystery shoppers', and it was lovely. Very good service, good menu, sister's happy with it (haven't heard back from brothers), and best of all mother has begun to get excited about her party. She's even chosen the dishes for the buffet for her guests - I'm delighted, but astonished - she hasn't taken any interest in entertaining since I don't know when.

So even if it's just the two or three of us sitting down to lunch with Champagne and cake to follow at least we know we'll like the food! And it won't be, anyway - people always do surprise you with the trouble they're prepared to go to, I know her friends will be there come hell or high water.

Deep breath and relaaaaaaaaaax - otherwise it's going to be some tough going!
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Great tips Veronica. I had automatically thought weekday - because not everyone can attend. I also figured that since it's mom's bday, then it should be where her friends can attend. By going where SIL is, her friends won't be able to go. So, maybe you do the weekday with the friends. And the family can do the weekend celebration. Just tell mom that she's so special, that you're celebrating it twice. Money may be a problem when you split the party like this.
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Oh CM when you get up go ahead and book something in central London (more expensive than the local pub but---------------) then tell SIL to cancel her booking. I realize she is shall we say medically compromised but it is not her call. Make it a lunch and a buffet. these old gals will tire quickly and want to go home Invite one caregiver for each if they need assistance, but have a seperate caregiver table. Those that need feeding should not be invited. I would suggest a group of about 20 so mom does not get too confused. Make this for Mom's friends not family. Let SIL host something just for family or do a little "do" for family at your house at least a week later or maybe on the actual birthday - you know most of them wont come.
if you do one part at your house arrange a mini bus from the closest station to meet a certain train from London. Have the whole thing catered again for a limited group. There must be some enterprising farmers wife who would do it for you. All delicious, home grown and home made. Delicious I might just invite myself. I am not 94 but could pass on a bad day.
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Ohgodohgodohgodohgod… mother's 90th birthday is six weeks away and it's time to get the invitations to her party sent out. We have to decide: whether to have the party on the day, which is a Thursday, or the following weekend; where to have it; how many people to invite; and what the budget is.

ENTIRELY predictable: I sent round an email yesterday asking for input. Sister replies straight away saying not Central London (where all mother's elderly friends can get to easily). SIL, two hours later, rings to say she's booked a pub near their house (but with no public transport at all, and it's miles from anywhere - including us!). From now on I am naming this SIL "Deputy Dawg" on account of whenever I try to contact my brother we get her on the phone instead. And other brother? No answer is the stern reply.

I just want to tell them to sort it out and go and lie down in a darkened room. Actually, I think I might do that...
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Austin thinking of you and your cat.they become members of the family it is hard when they are so sick. I have wondered why when all hope is gone for our sick and demented ones there isn't euthanasia for them. It is just so terribly emotional to watch our loved ones die bit by bit and the loved one wouldn't want it this way either.
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Oh Austin, poor puss. Is he thirsty? - drinking more than usual? How old is he? Thinking of you x
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my cat is home the problem is his not wanting to eat-I have to give him meds -one to stimulate his appetite -which is liquid and have t get into his mouth using a syringe without a needle which he takes pretty good and another paste for hairballs which I put on his paw-he ate a very small amount of dry food and almost no canned food-all his tests came back neg.so the problem is no appetite -I am not sure he is going to make it.
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Well back to the family dysfunction. My Narc shark niece and her pleasantly sweet husband had taken in 3 addition children when his mother passed away in the 90's. My niece had good intentions, but she was ill equipped to deal with and resented their intrusion to their family of 4. The eldest child they took in is actually her husband's step sister. the middle child is also a step sister...both these girls have different fathers who died before they were born. The second girl has developmental problems is probably at a 6 year old level at the the age of 20. The third child is actually a niece of my niece's husband. Her mother was a hooker in the LA area at the time they took her in. Because of too many difficulties with this child, my niece sent her back to her mother after she quit being a hooker. This niece is the one I say is a Narc shark too. The eldest of these 3 girls is around 23 years old now. My niece had little to do with her while she was in college, would not allow her in their home during routine breaks from school. This girl has supposedly been diagnosed with a disorder where she cannot attack herself to others in a healthy way due to lack of nurturing as a child. A PD? Probably.

Here is the kicker...:

Suddenly my niece and my sister are a grandmother and a great mother to this woman's baby who was born today...Yes, thats right...they want the acknowledgement of this honor. OH H#!! not from me...when zombies can love without their skin peeling off their face...then maybe I can acknowledge it....Maybe all that Merle Norman cosmetics my sister uses can prevent the peel, but really??? And my niece....suddenly she is a grandma when she wouldn't allow this girl in her home for 4 years.

The camouflage of being perfect...
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Kim,
What a hard circumstance! That's pretty bad your mom calling 911, and she had the strength to do this after a hospital stay. Whoah Nellie! It's unbelievable what a narcissist is capable of doing. Do you live with them? Who's the in charge person there? If your dad is cognizant, maybe it's time to have a long and hard talk with him.

I remember dad was almost sent home from the hospital after his stroke.
Medical services people showed up w/oxygen tanks for him. I was living there watching out for both he and mom at the time, since he had cancer, then he had a stroke. But even I, freaked out at the thought, now we (unqualified people) would have the job of monitoring dad w/the oxygen. Can your dad handle something like this, if they're living alone? Something went south, if she started to have the oxygen 24/7.

Maybe it's time to speak to DPSS, for some advice.
Mom's currently in a Hospice situation, and nurses and bathers come to her house. In essence at least there's some kind of outside monitoring of some delicate health situations. Try looking into this, it's called Palliative Care.

My very best,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Braziliansun,

Welcome to the thread. What kinds of needs does your mother have?
Maybe they are the type that demand higher care, and the people/agency you are using is not capable. Mom has caregiviers. She's had her share. Some are just not the talky kind of folks. Maybe some think that a less than cognitive person, that they can't have conversations with them. I've never heard of this being a requirement (unfortunately) by CG's. It would be nice.
Mother had this one CG who was very affectionate w/her, and tried talking what ever little mom communicates nowadays. Others, they are just basically babysitters, and do whatever things that need to get done.

If you feel as if the level of care is becoming too demanding for in-home CG's to handle, maybe it is time for you to look for either specialized help, or an ALF/NH.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,

This is unbelievable what your sister and her daughter are talking about.
What instigators, and busy bodies! Honestly, time to mind their own business.
I know you've written about what a pain your sister can be, but I didn't imagine this. Are they aware about your son and DIL's infertility issues? Maybe it's time to have a serious talk with your sister. This is really a case of messing with people's emotions! Boundaries!

You're in my thoughts.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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