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Glad,

Yes, you are right on! I'd written in the past about this brother and how that's all he's done concerning his kids, is coddle them to the hilt. I just found out actually from hearing this saga that the three sons are now employed. I think in the past only the eldest was, and I think he works for the same company as his dad,
but different location. The 2nd son....just finished an occupational school. He's now a welder. The youngest...don't know the company but he's also working.
Thank the cosmos......w/in the last year his daughter finally moved out of the family household w/her two kids, w/the father of them. She and the eldest son,
had their kids there at bro's all the time, for baby sitting, of course by none other than their dad.

At least though......the welder son after hearing of dad's job stuff, told my sister if the worst happened.....he'd pay the bills. So, that made me feel good. As I told Sharynmarie, the youngest got him in touch w/Teamsters. The eldest son, he's a nice guy. Actually the son's are nice guys. I think because my brother just hasn't made some rules, they're sometimes in la la land. I have hopes they're growing up. A lot has happened in that household, in the last 2 yrs., when bro threw their mother out. Yikes!

Anyway, I just hold out positive hopes for everyone concerned.

Thank you, It's so good to know other's feel as I do, because sometimes since i know we're in the minority, it could make us feel a little loco, for thinking as we do.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,

The post about my brother, was a reply to you.
I don't know what happened to the first paragraph.
But, let me remember what I wrote......I think it was that I agreed w/you, and looked it up about employers/employee rights. He should go to HR, and file,
and yes....."harrassment." He needs to do it also while still in their employ, or if he ever wanted to take it to court it would have to be documented, or no go!
One of his sons, youngest is working for a company, (don't know which one).
Anyway, to that end the son put my bro in contact w/some Teamster's.
He had an appt. today, so hopefully they'll refer him to an employment attorney.
He worked at this company for 15 yrs., so I think he should try some kind of action, no matter what the condition is. Interesting, how the golden boy is feeling like such a victim, but it relates to how he neglects important matters.

Again, Thanks!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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it's too bad that our parents brought him up thinking he was like a little king, golden boy.

He's even spilled some beans to her w/regards to his attitude w/in the circle he works with. He claims that it's a clique. That other employees, "kiss a**," to proper parties. These guys end up getting the less demanding assignments at his job. This in turn leaves my brother w/the worst of the work. But he also apparently, expressed that "I don't kiss a**." I had to point out to my sister,
that in any job there's always politicking and yes....unfortunately we have to be willing to play the game a bit, if you have this environment which you've chosen to be in. WE KNOW our brother too, so here's the other side. He has an enormous ego, and has a penchant towards expressing himself in very brash and glib way. I can't disspell the fact, possibly his own contributions to some of the conflict.
So I'm waiting for a call from my sister to see whether he spoke to this rep.
I can just really see the dysfunction at work here.
Thanks so much for your suggestions,
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Have discussion that I started back in 2011 or 2012: Frustrated with my mom! I am at the end of my rope. I will post the last update here. Cause this is how I am doing.

Last time I posted anything was in 2012, has it really been that long ago. Feels like it was only yesterday. The last 4 weeks have been pure He** for me. I slipped back in the mode of running everytime my mom calls for help. Mom had a really doozie of a trip to the hospital last week. She wanted to go to the hospital! She has been on an oxygen concentrator since April 2013 and was only suppose to use it while she slept. But she didn't, she wanted to use it 24/7. We have all tried to explain to her that she will get hooked. She claims she doesn't remember it was only for sleep. Anyway. The trip to the hospital was due to her claim she couldn't she wasn't getting any oxygen and was in pain and she felt like she was gonna pass out. She wanted an ambulance to be called. Two hours after arriving in the ER she is wanting to go home. That was 7 day hospital stay, which she was not ready to come home. She was mean and ugly and verbally attacked my dad and I and even the nurses. She even called 911 and the police came out there. Needless to say she claims she doesn't remember any of this.

I am just so frustrated right now that I don't even know how to put any of this into words. They gave us 4 options on what to do about mom. (1) hospital stay for a month, (2) a rehab, (3) a nursing facitlity, or (4) take her home and have home healthcare come in. My dad on the ride up to the hospital to meet with the doctor my dad told me what he wanted to do if it was a choice. So I don't know why he needed me there. He chose the last option and I told him he should only bring her home if there was already something set in place as far as home health care. He didn't of course.

She has accused me of not wanting her home, of wanting to put her away, of stealing from her, and all kinds of threats. I don't want to see either of my parents in a home. Then when I went down there a couple of days after she got home to checkn on her. As soon as she saw me she started screaming like a 2 year old and was trying to hide under the covers. I told my dad, that was it I can't handle anymore of this.

Then she calls me a couple of days later, asking for my help. I asked her where is dad. She gives me a vague answer, so I go down there. Talked her out of what she was wanting to do. Then she asked me If I had talked to my sister, cause she has been calling her and my sister won't return her calls. My mom and my sister has not spokening in almost 3 years cause of some nasty things my mom has sad and a done to her. She still runs my sister down to her kids. I am like OH I SEE you can't get no one to your side of things. I did not tell her that. But she used to do that all of my life. When she was mad at one of us, she would call the other and talk bad about who ever she was mad at.

I could go on on and on about this situation. But I just needed to vent. I miss everyone here! I feel ashamed of myself for not keeping in touch.
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Book-i had a good talk with my sister about the genders balance thing. She tends to block out negative info so she did not take the infertility issue with mu son seriously. Now she does. It is hard for my son since his wife's father is an identical twin so she always wanted twins. Her condition is called premature ovarian failure. Skyping is a good idea. I may wait until the boys are born for that since my daughter is opposed to putting pics or videos of the boys on facebook. I want to see how they grow and change especially the first year.
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gladimhere- your right, teenager with a side of spoiled...but for many years she is quite and doesn't show facial emotion- well it does happen sometimes when its at home. ( quit when she was around 5years old) no abuse, but family has history of mental disorders. She has a couple other issues too, but we don't live with my grandpa. We live nearby and she is with other family when I'm at my grandpas. I tell her to come with us but she wont. I used to only care for my grandpa lunch/ dinner- once in a while breakfast but its turned into over 18 hours total a day.

He always says my kids first then him, but then he gets upset and denies it when I am running errends, too long with my kids , at my house etc. He denied it all this morning but I told him, I need and will be here for my kids and you need someone here besides me all day to help you.. I need a job. Well, same ol answer. Thank you for advice :)
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My older brother (age 51) lives in the states. He still pays most of the bills. When I tell him that his children should help out, he gets so defensive. They are ALL spenders. No savers. I wonder who he thinks will take care of him when he gets old? By paying for most of the household expenses is no guaranty that they will take care of him in his old age.

Sharyn, the next time sis/niece brings up "evening" up the sexes of grands, you can be just as forthright as them. When they mention your son, you can always turn around and say that niece can just get pregnant and get 2 more girls to even it out. Since she is so concerned about "evening" up the sexes. Maybe this would hush her up. If not, every time they bring it, throw it back in their faces - since they are so concerned about it. Since you miss your daughter so much, have you tried skyping? You can just do it on a weekly schedule. And just update her with your projects for her boys. It will help keep the closeness between you strong - for both of you - you to help with advice on pregnancy, and her to help you be strong with your drinking. {{HUGS}}
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Curie~I am here to say that you need to set definite boundaries with your sister. Tell her she is welcome to come over but there will be no drinking in your home/mom's home and if she berates you, you show her the door. The same with drinking. It really is as simple as that. Your mom may get upset with you for it, but you do not have to put up with kind of treatment or behavior. Who has DPOA? What control does your sister have over you other than she is your sister? Your mother will get over it. I kicked my mother out of my house on Thanksgiving Day, this was before the Alz and my mother has borderline personality disorder. She started berating my husband and his family...the issue was my issue with my in-laws...but being BPD, she cant separate the issues as not being her issues.I had to tell her, if you can't say anything positive about my husband and his family, then you need to leave. So she did. I never regretted it and she never did it again.
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Margeaux-
Those nephews are certainly old enough for your brother to sit them down and tell them it is not a free ride any longer. Those three boys should be contributing to household expenses! Brother has coddled them long enough. Are they working? What kind of toys do they buy with their earnings?

Brother should check with HR, or an attorney. It could very easily be some sort of age discrimination to reduce their salary expenses by hiring younger inexperienced people. There is so much of that going on but it is disguised as magnitude things. Following him around to write him up, is hard to swallow, but if it is actually occurring, this is harassment.
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Me, daughter sounds like a teenager in the throes of hormones or just spoiled. Living with grandpa is taking a toll on your children and she is acting out. A game console? What does that have to doo with caring for Grandpa? You need to make a life for your children first, and perhaps everyone would be better off if Grandpa were to go to a facility. You children are your first responsibility.
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Oh, I did fail to mention since Im new here, yes, I come from half family who puts money and racist remarks come before family and love among various issues, other part of my family ( some) has mental health or alcohol/ drug issues,but at least this side attempts to love each other...
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I will be reading as many as I can when Im in a relaxed mood. Thank you for this venting topic. I overstayed my welcome with another forum for my kids issues and am just going vent today and thats it. ( Since this is about us care giving for our loved ones)

Raising a difficult child with issues as well as the other child possibly having issues, its hard to please everyone and have a semi stress free life. My daughter blames me for not buying a game console calling me a lier and breaking my promise, but it was my grandfather( who I am caring for) who actually promised it and now has told her to wait.But its my fault and Im the one who broke my promise she says.And shes constantly letting me know this :( My youngest has ADHD and anger issues and its hard. Any who, on my families ideas of caring for my grandfather is for him to hire people to be there if he doesn't want a NH. Again today, he didnt agree, but I have to get a job and as much as I don't want to leave my grandfather alone while I look then I pray when I find one, I have to or I will loose custody of my kids and if anything happens to him, my home for my kids. I love him beyond words, and Im no where near perfect but I am losing the bonds/time with my small kids and am having trouble balancing everything! And everyone!
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Margeaux~Can your brother go to HR? It sounds like harassment to me. He should document everything...I hate when employers do this in order to force you to quit. Your brother needs to check into his retirement to see if he can financially handle retirement or look for another job online while he puts up with this behavior. From what you have posted in the past, his kids were not very supportive when he had surgery, if that is still the case, they probably are too immature to realize the severity of this situation since dad has always taken care of everything. Sending out prayers and positive thoughts. Hugs to you and the family.
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I am aware that I wrapped my whole life around my children and now that I am almost completely retired I am really feeling it. I can't teach piano and be travelling as much as I do. I love getting away. It's coming back that is so painful. My heart goes out to all who are primary caregivers. I would have to care for my mother at a distance if my brother wasn't financially dependent on her and running her errands. His wife has borderline personality disorder and I have just recently realized my mother has narcissistic personality disorder - the way of dealing with these people is the same apparently so my brother has already had over 30 years experience which gives him a huge edge on dealing with the queen mother. I'm praying to take one day at a time and remember this too shall pass. Fourteen years in Al-Anon has been such a blessing. I keep praying the Serenity Prayer which helps too. Your posts make me laugh. I will stay tuned. Thank you.
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I finally spoke with my sister today. She told me that our brother, "golden boy," is having some major problems at his job. He's 58 yrs. old. He's been at this job for about 15 yrs., now. They're non-union, and basically from the story.....it sounds like his manager is just making it so hard, by writing him up, and riding him continuously. We think they just want to elbow him out. He's freaking out!
Then, apparently he's just been putting up with this scenario for quite some time, as he described it to my sister, "They're following him around w/a clip board, doing the neg write ups." Of course I know I've written about him here w/respect to how he's dealt in the family, which at times wasn't the best way, when he was the POA for mom and the battle ax. But I am saddened to hear about this nevertheless. I want to call him, and I don't know what to say to, quite frankly.
He's the one who threw his wife out 2 yrs. ago, and hasn't really sat down to talk with her at all. Three of his grown sons, 24, 27, and 31 yrs. old, live w/him.
So my sister started to tell me that my brother told her he had no one to really talk to in his family about these events. Of course, my sister told me that she knows how he feels because many times she doesn't share all of her problems w/her kids. I thought about this later, and it occurred to me, "Yeah, but they aren't kids anymore either." I know my brother more than likely covers all bills in his home, mortgage. I doubt it that these sons of his pay any rent. Anyway, what do some of you who have grown kids say about this. Do you think someone in my brother's shoes should just be honest w/his kids about what's going on. I tend to think, that yes he should. They're not little kids anymore.
So I gave a big chant for him, that he has the strength to maintain some perspective about his situation.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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I said before that I was going to have a "come to Jesus" talk with my sisters that Mom cannot take care if herself. My sister came over with pizza and wine a few days later then started berating me that Mom should come live with her. I pointed out that Mom would be alone all of the time. Sis works two jobs--mail carrier for which she leaves at 3AM and secretary which starts at 7AM. She gets home at 4PM then drinks the rest of the night. She often calls Mom around 8 or 9PM to complain or cry about something. She has 7 dogs who are also alone. None of them are fixed so the usual happens. Sometimes she sells them or gives them away. Sometimes they are just added to the group. Guess where they relieve themselves? Wherever they want. She doesn't make a habit if cleaning it up promptly when she gets home so her house stinks and her clothes often stink of dog and urine. The dogs have never been groomed and those with long hair are matted. She feeds them by emptying a bag of food onto the kitchen floor. And she wants mom to live with her. We got into a big fight then she turned to mom and said how bad I am for her. We are going to try to move. A few days later was MD and it was tense. They came to the house--ate, drank wine, and left me to clean up. I give up.
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Judda, not Judah, I really hate this spell checker!
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Judea,
If you want energy try B-100 Complex. Mom's is in a white bottle by Nature's Way. When I first started this with her I was giving it to her at night. WRONG thing to do, took me about a week to figure out what was causing the late afternoon and evening spurt of boundless energy.Since then she takes it in the morning.
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On our side of the family we have maintained a gender balance with grands and great grands. My daughter having 2 boys throws the balance off. Well my Narc shark sister and Narc shark niece decided we need to jokingly put pressure on my son/dil and our nephews to get going to produce girls. Thank goodness she does not have their emails to forward the message on as my son/dil have fertility issues and so does one nephew and his wife. My sis has been told this but she lives in strawberry fields forever world.
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Veronica and Loo thank you for your notes-I called the animal hospital this morning and the vet needs to call me back-still waiting for tests of the pancreas but they did give him meds to stimulate his appetite last night and it worked he ate his dinner -hope to get him back today. My granddaughter is doing cleaning for me and I am cleaning the utility room-will call my brother later because his wife would never think to call me herself her mother and her furniture are her priorities unfortunately and that will never change-it turned out to be a nice spring day.
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This weekend was such an interesting adventure. We went up to SD for a family funeral and took my 74 year old mother with us. ( it was her car so....) I knew it would be tiring, but I am new to being the caregiver for my parents. On the way up, we stopped frequently. At one stop, I noticed that the back of mom's pant were wet. I have suspected incontinence before, but never to that extent. I dug through the bags and found her dry underwear. We were able to discuss the issue and convinced her that if we could find her Depends that were large enough that there was no shame in that. She agreed. I also found chucks pads from my Dad's hospital stay and put those on her seat. Dad is now in a rehab facility following sepsis and a hip replacement surgery. The next day was the funeral, and all was going well until my cell started buzzing. I silenced it, but then Mom's phone started ringing. She looked at it numbly, while I took the phone. I opened it and could hear my dad's voice. I was so embarrassed and angry and many other emotions. I have been unable to cry for weeks and was just starting to let myself feel something when the interruption occurred. Later we got a message on Mom's phone from Dad berating her for not answering her phone. As I watched my mom cry on the day before Mother's Day, I was furious with him for putting her through his emotional abuse through the years. It is so hard not to wish he had died. I know how wrong that is, but then I think of the times when he has been there for me, and know that it is now my turn. I can do this!? i think!
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Marge you took the power away from your mother and gave it back to yourself-that is good and you did while young-it took me 70 plus years to take the power away from my mother to hurt me-but I did before she passed away and the same with my husband wanting you will do the same with your sister we tend to do that -give others our power-learning to detach is a good trait and when the sky does not fall we get stronger and stronger son nobody can take our power away from us and we become healthy.
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Hey everyone.. just a heads up.. vent post right here. very thankful that an active, supportive forum for us who are our family's support is there.. :o)
Today was alright, there have been worse days. Mom's first day with new care giver. What frustrates me is that they all seem to want to have a conversation with me... you are here to take care of mom! Iwould love for an aide to involve my mother with conversation. Mom has some really challenging cognitive setbacks, but she still loves to chat about current events. Finding a care taker who can just physically take care of her is tough. We've been going thru homecare for almost a decade, now, and still can't find the right individual or agency. I don't mean to sound picky when I say this. But we have been through people stealing from us, to just negligent, rude, and mostly unreliable individuals. Still, there are also agency limitations where they are not allowed to physically do everything involving their care - it'd pretty much be impossible for me to leave the house with just caretaker and ma.
We'll see how tomorrow goes...!
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Hi austin. We had a diabetic german sheperd years ago and she developed diabetes. We had to collect urine to do the test in those days then calculate the dose of Insulin.
I just used to grad her by the scruff and stick it in. She was never any bother but if she refused to eat we had a problem so I actually fed her then did the shot. She did get cateracts but must have retained some periferal vision becaus she managed just fine when we moved. She lived 5 years on the insulin which was a great achievemnt as the vets knew little about it in those days. hope you get your kitty home soon, they are such good company. Mine is sunning herself this morning. Unless your kitty was drinking excessively it is unlikely to be diabetes or kidney failure.
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Dear Glad,
Thanks for the observation on sugar and coffee with elderly behavior. Very helpful!!
My guess is that the thyroid is off balance, the diet is not optimal and thus the need for energy: so what do we do? Grab coffee and sugar. Also include carbs: breads, bagels, and pastries: always abundant in especially stressful places like schools and hospitals, which ironically should be the last place that stuff should be consumed. Right now I had my lovely homemade salad but crave a cup of coffee before heading out on an errand. I got over the wheat and flour cravings but coffee is my favorite vice. Sigh.
Humus dips or nut butter with fruits or veggies are good but have to consider what they can chew. Homemade date balls and other solutions on the internet abound.
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Hi Austin -- I once pet sitted for a diabetic cat, and the shots he needed were subcutaneous, meaning it was a very thin needle that went into his skin only. It wasn't a big deal. Took a little practice, and that was that. I'll keep my fingers crossed that your cat is doing better, and doesn't have any drastic health issues.
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Wantingtime - sounds like your sister is projecting her massive case of insecurities about her own self onto you. Don't take these words personally. If you step back, and imagine that she is talking to a mirror instead of you, it sure does make things seem quite different. She probably has a lot of "stuff" to deal with around mom aging, her own aging, the care situation, and her own life that she may not even be totally conscious of, so it comes out as all this emotional barf at the worst times.

I learned from a really helpful therapist that when somebody comes at me with that much aggression or passion and unloads like that, it is absolutely NOT about me. I just happen to be the one standing behind their dump truck when it unloads.

You hold your head up high and pat yourself on the back that you are doing everything you can, and you have nothing to feel bad about. As far as help goes, can you call your area on aging to find out how to get some respite care at home? Nobody can do this job 24/7/365 without suffering greatly.
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Called my sister this morning to tell her how much Mom seemed to enjoy her day out yesterday. She responded by jumping down my throat for telling my mother something that upset her. I am not supposed to tell Mother anything that might upset her...how I am supposed to know what is going to upset her? Anyway, she proceeded to tell me just how sorry I am and how much easier I have it, living with Mother, being primary caregiver...she comes twice a week for about five hours and insists that is as much as I do (or more because at least I am in my own home). "Everyone is doing as much as you are so you are not some martyr".

And apparently I am hyper critical of everyone and power hungry and 'love being in control'.

Basically I am a horrible person that complains too much and whines. I wish I could kill myself. I wish I could just walk away. I hate my life. I hate everything. I wish with all my heart I had SOMEONE to lean on..I am so blistering tired of it all.

I can not WAIT for my mother to pass so I never ever have to speak to this sister ever again.
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Sharynmarie,

I didn't find your post about the babies at all a call for attention.
Your just the proud grandmother, and have every right to be.
I have written about how my sister talks about her grandkids, and really her tone talking about anything that has to do with her is always the same. She thinks everything revolves around herself. You are not like that. Besides, we want to give you the grandma attention also.

Oh, you're terminology, what was it? "Mark shark, narc shark. That is too funny.
Maybe we can refer to our narcissistic sisters, moms, family, etc., as such.
The when we really get p****d at them, we can "Mark the shark." That's it. HAAH!
Anyway, it gave me a good laugh!

I still can't get over what your sister said at the shower. This reminded me of the old days w/mom. Sometimes in a social situation, she'd ask people how much money they were making at their jobs. I remember being a kid, and getting it on my own, that this was so rude. When I became older and she tried that, I mustered up the courage, to tell her it was. It was at a time mother started to lose her control over me.

My great niece is celebrating her first birthday the end of the month.
This is my sister's grand daughter. So we received an evite for that yesterday.
But I haven't heard boo about any of this from my sister. That's fine w/me.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Marge thank you for asking my brother did go to the ER yesterday and told to by his primary when I called him they had done a ct scan and he was waiting for the results it sounded like they were going to pawn him off on his heart doc whom he has been seeing and he was discouraged I will try him on his cell later today, My cat still is not home the blood work they did did not show what the problem is more test were being sent out-I will call the vet later he may have a problem with his pancreas which could mean he has developed diabetes which I hope not can not see giving him shots -I do miss him so much also she said he may just need an appetite stimulant which sounds funny to me he always lived to eat with everything a glum this morning .Last evening my two kids took us all out for dinner for to celebrate Mother's day-my granddaughter my boyfriend me and the two kids we had a nice time wen the husband was alive it always had to be all about him-I could not even order what I wanted to eat so I really enjoyed this time-it was so normel.Good news I put my hummer feeder u yesterday and had my first humming bird partake I was really excited they have made their 2000 mile trip back up north.
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