notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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How sweet, twin boys! Congratulations!
How terrible of your sister to say this. I can really see and understand why you have described her at times being a phony snob when it comes to money. My sister does the very same thing. She lives at mom's house for free, (in terms of rent). Then, she works 40 hrs a week. So I'm sure she's doing pretty well financially speaking, it gives her extra money. But at her own grand daughter's Baptismal, one of the great aunt's on her ex-husband's side didn't attend. When my sister brought this fact up.....she said something like, she didn't attend, because she was asked to work over time. She also added, "yes, I guess she's hard up for money these days." It's always something negative, a put down,
and very catty. By saying this.....I guess it makes them feel rich and of course superior to whomever the negative comment is against. Your sister definitely fits into this. These are the Bourgeousie! I know my sister inherited this attitude by both my mother and the battle ax. They were always that way.
Your daughter handled it very well. How embarrassing. But usually other people who are aware catch on to the fact that someone such as our sisters are tactless, and it's a display of ignorance, but also malicious.
Well I'm happy that the shower went well, despite your sister.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Hope you had a great birthday dinner with C and that his gall bladder issues are over.
I am going to try to get some sleep. Hope your kitty gets better soon,
Hi everyone - between the sewer back up and clean up, insurance adjuster, and then a chest cold, or mould reaction, I have not been great. Laying low and dealing with one thing at a time. Contractors will be coming in to give me quotes for the work. Gary wants to do it himself. Justin (who owns the dog)wants to do it - and he would get at it fast. I doubt it is worth claiming on insurance, because there was some previous water damage from a year or so ago we hadn't repaired yet, so they won't give us anything for the walls except in one room. It would just put my insurance rates up. Aaaargh. The "independent" insurance adjuster is married to the manager of the insurance office. That doesn't seem ethical to me, and he was asking questions about us and a past claim that were none of his business.
amount. My sister was disappointed... she remarked "is that all!" That is only so much per baby! I responded gee Kathy what do you want? Of course my sister combined her gift with my mothers so it looks like much more.after that remark...my daughter had the foresight to not reveal the amount of peoples gifts cards or checks. Of course my brother had left before this happened...but my sister had gathered an audience with her remarks up to that point when she definitely crossed boundaries. God Bless my daughter for taking control and ending my sisters reign of being the center of attention.
Well best thing to do is keep on shining your light, even when others want to blow it out! Hold it even higher so they can't reach ya!
My mother received another antibiotic for the second UTI. I don't think she's doing well. I took her somewhere special Thursday. She was ok. She definitely is diminishing every year in energy, more hunched over, fatter belly, can't walk far, feels like she is falling and all of that. She should be thinking of moving to assisted living maybe next year but no, she can't even talk about that. Instead she wants to fool herself a bit longer and think if she moves to another apartment she will be her "old self" again. The Narc has a million impossible dreams where they star in all of them.
I am learning to feel compassion for her inner pain, but happy to see that it is only herself who is responsible for her own mind and happiness, even if she is crazy. Until the day comes when she really cannot take care of herself anymore there's nothing I can do.
Meanwhile my business is picking up and I have had some wonderful adventures meeting people and shooting video.
Happy Mother's Days to all you wonderful mom's, grandmothers and on the the line!!
Well this week......she presented the project no less at an organization my husband has been a member of for over 30 yrs. It was already a real blow for her to rip him off for his idea. But now......she was coming to a group, where my husband has many collegues and friends. I was so angry at the idea that she'd do something like this. Of course she's a narcissist and whenever we are in her presence, she behaves very phoney, sweet, and she always does this in front of others. She behaves as if she's done nothing wrong. Such a hypocrite! I really didn't even want to attend this presentation, but since it had to do w/one of my husband's groups......I felt I had to, to support him, and we basically felt as if we had to go to save face.
This situation, made my arthritis really flare up, like it had not in a long time.
I'm not sure if it was the stress, but I'm so glad that last week is over.
This is why I hadn't posted here a few days.
Anyway, this narcissist really did a betrayal. Since it's of the kind, where one has to run into someone like this....because she's associated to some of the same groups my husbands linked up to, I was at a loss as to how to deal w/something like this. It's a bit different from dealing with a narcissistic relative. Anyway, I had to really give my husband (and myself) some real pep talks. I told him, "No matter what, we should just behave w/some kind of integrity and dignity instead of the opposite. Anyway, I just had to get this off my chest. I think I'll have a salt bath later. It get's rid of negative energy.
Hope you are all having a great day!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
How are you? I read the post about the progress you've had about your situation.
It is great. I think that in the beginning and in the end.....there's just no use in explaining, arguing, nor justifying anything to a narcissistic personality type.
We just have to make the decisions for ourselves, which hopefully will be beneficial for us, and move on. You've done that! Congrats!
How is your mother doing? I hope she is feeling better.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
You must have had a good week, with your daughter.
Is today the shower? O.K., I'm here holding my breath, w/total suspense.
Have a wooooooonderful party!
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
You did have quite a week!
I'm very sorry to hear that it was something suicidal that took your mother to the ER. How terrible that there wasn't room for her.
But....the good thing is that finally some serious issues are being addressed.
I have noticed that in instances when it's an elder who has diabetes, they always seem to be very anxious. Our aunt was this way. She was in complete denial about it. She ate whatever the heck she wanted. Then I've a friend who isn't in touch w/her mother also a narcissist. She treated my friend very abusively. My friend was a total Cinderella in her own family of seven. She keeps her distance, as a result of it. But now her mom sounds as if she is headed towards the same path as your mom. She lives alone, isn't eating, or at least not on top of her diet as a diabetic. This lady is addicted to eating in restaurant's w/her 86 yr. old boyfriend. He's now having some serious health concerns of his own. So at times, he's not up for leaving his home, to go take her out to eat. Plus, now his daughter moved in w/him, to look out for him. Of course, now there's some monitoring going on having the daughter there. So my friend's mom lately has ended up in the ER too,
since she's been experiencing fainting and disorientation. There's got to be a co-relationship w/low or high sugar levels, with regards to the fainting especially for diabetics.
Well, I'm very glad for your sake that finally she's someplace where her needs can be addressed. So do you think that she'll eventually be placed somewhere?
You are both in my thoughts.
Big Hug,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I'm glad your visit went well. You made me laugh when you said, that you
"turn your head and mouth F*** Y." I've done that, not to mother, but I used to do it to her sister, who was beyond horrible. Oh, the pity party! Some people really have a penchant for recanting their stories over and over again.
Has your mother had help in the past? I guess she doesn't like the idea, about that.
Well, I hope you'll have a better time to bring that topic up, as I understand the picking and choosing, especially when you've been there the entire day.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I hope you all have someone do something thoughtful for YOU tomorrow, Mother's Day. I'm not a mother, but fave sis let the cat out of the bag. Her daughters view me as their 2nd mama. I'm going to have a mother's day present tomorrow. I just need to act surprise. =)
Does anyone have POA yet. let brother have it but do not let him make promises to give you money to care for Mom because he will be "saving it in case she needs it"
She really went downhill mentally in the hospital probably due to this mini-overdose. She had the nurse help her call me, and she was asking about my father. He died 30 years ago. Come to find out, she also had help dialing her apartment manager, Jason (did she have his card in her purse or what)? Apparently she asked Jason if he could please take her to the bathroom. At least she was nice to the hospital staff, other than recounting her life story repeatedly.
So since last week I've been spending every day at the old apartment continuing to go through the lifetime of stuff she hoarded there. I have an organizer helping me but even so it feels daunting and like it will never be over. So much hoarded stuff and so much dirt and dust. I'm still caring for two cats over there, and need to sell a grandfather clock, some Wedgwood china and some antiques. I'm also running down to the new place with stuff, handling every bill and making a zillion phone calls, trying to make sure she's somewhat settled, and running her to some prepaid dental-work appointments (that causes me to drive 50 miles round trip). Wow. I am a stay-at-home mom to a nine year old, so I'm lucky I don't have a job, because THIS is a full-time job. I still have to make time to pick up my child from school on time and take care of my own family.
When I see mom, she complains that she does not like the new place at all. Every comment begins with either "I want" or "I don't like." "I want all of my lamps." "I want my plants, you ARE watering them, right?" "I don't like the food here." "I talked to a woman but she didn't like me." (hhhmm, wonder why?)
All this said, it is going about as well as it possibly could. There have been countless miracles along the way. I'm trying to keep perspective. But I'm so tired! I need to remember that once this is complete, I can really lower my amount of contact with her. Her advancing senility has really lowered the amount of depressive narcissism, while she is still nearly 100% self-absorbed, it is almost like she has forgotten to be so depressed, and this is a relief. I hope she can find just a teeny bit of happiness there. I intend to find a bit more happiness over here.
The biggest thing I contend with is the personal criticism. I get called on for being 'short' with my mother. I will admit that sometimes I am. I can never get through to other people that day by day, moment by moment you are faced with not only the repetitiveness but the cognitive decline and the increasing demand on you for your time, your soul, your body. Getting 'respite' care is not always available. Family certainly isn't and it's expensive getting outsiders to come in. I am worn to the bone. I am not only weary of the personal and emotional demands but having to constantly defend myself and the choices I have to make.
I have full power of attorney. I can I suppose make the choice to have mom go into a care home and be done with it but the last time I brought it up, family came out of the woodwork to say, "no...don't do that"! Does anyone want to step in, in my place? No.
People who support me would say that I have to do whatever I have to do to take care of myself. If I don't find a solution soon, I may go into full blown depression.
Yes, you are so right that my sister played her narcissism against the b.a.
But I've realized that she and mother have had their own brand, variety of playing off one another. They never got along when my sister was a kid. My sister was the defiant one. She used to complain to me about....I guess she didn't know the proper way to call it, how she was feeling mother. But she'd definitely feel things mother did much more so than I ever did. I guess I decided to back burner the hurtful things mother did to both of us, and that was by trying to get over things.
I know now, that deep inside I was hurting to, but I've always been more compliant, so maybe this had something to do w/how I would let things go. Not my sister. Then.....I do remember mother complaining about my sister to me.
Since mom was so passive aggressive she'd make comments like, "my sister was too much, disobedient, stubborn." So mom used me as a soundboard big time, for everything. I have to admit too, that it took me a long time to realize mother was using me in her ponzy scheme. My silence I guess tantamounted in her eyes that maybe she had an ally in me. But, that was when I was still dreaming naively, that I could have a mom on my side. When I got to be pre-teen, my attitude about a lot of things would change. It's a slippery slope for a young child....when the parent's messages to them are that they just break our spirits and try to use us to their advantage.
But in any case.......mother and my sister have always butted heads well into adulthood. Things are just basically different now from mother's end, now that she has ALZ. I say, "Birds of a feather, flock together." HAAH!
Well I glad for you that these lads seemed to have help you and G out.
I'm amazed at your great attitude, Emjo because you have had quite a lot of things happening which require work.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Don't worry, the social workers will be listening even if they seem to sit there like Buddha and go all inscrutable on you. Best wishes to you and your mother for them to get her fighting fit (if that's not an unfortunate turn of phrase).