The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Rehab, Day 3. Mom wants to go home. I'm not sure if she means her IL apartment, NC, or heaven. The OT, PT, three scheduled meals with other people, and human contact is doing her a lot of good.

I have told every social worker that calls me that I am afraid that if she goes back to her apartment, it will be back to 23 hours of sitting in the dark, not eating, and neglecting herself. She does not comprehend the limits of her abilities. But fortunately, it's not up to her.

There is another woman on this unit who is in the verbally mean as a snake/bully stage, and it makes me laugh for some reason. Maybe because I am used to it, and I've seen it done much better than she can. I hope she doesn't pick a fight with my mom. There can be only one.....

In his dreams they'd move in, Veronica. DW brother adores his sons and loves their company. They're both pretty domesticated - good cooks, know one end of the washing machine from the other, for example; but not ironing. Ironing not something that gets done in that house unless it's essential to some kind of engineering project, like deforming plastic. Lovely Nephew 1 and new wife are both engineers and have just got back from 18 months' working in Shanghai - ex-pat salaries and tax breaks, plus a "getting married at an advanced age" present from the Chinese government (!) - at 30, they caused much delight and merriment when they announced their engagement - mean they've been able to waltz into the overheated housing market and have bought their first bijou flat in what used to be a fairly cruddy bit of North London but is (I'm told) on its way. I would say lucky kids except they've both worked their little socks off for this. Not sure they'll have room for any housewarming presents or I'd chip in a toaster.

Looloo I LOVE idea of the Miss Am. wave! Cartwheels and a can-can too, maybe?… the possibilities are endless...

Countrymouse -- lol, well, honestly truly?? No, I do not hope it continues! :) Yeesh!
Your sister -- what nerve! Kidding! Next time, I really hope she waves like Miss America!

Hi CM what bro dearest does not know but his esp is leading him to paint son's room is that newly married son AND wife will soon be moving in with him!!!!!!!

Camaryllis you sound like a kind sweet lady who has taken on a lot and make the best of it-getting them to talk about their earlier life is so nice very few people think to do that-I was a nurse and took care of an elderly man and after he died his obit. was so interesting from then I on I would ask people about their life as I was bathing or caring for them-I learned so much and was always tell my co-workers little things like one lady entertained servicemen in theUSO on day my boss said how do you know all this stuff I said I talk to the pts' and listen

Joan thanks for asking I did not see my brother for a while-I had a bad fall last Wed and that slowed me down a tad -his wife did go to the chemo with him but did not ask the doc who had to see the pt's. before the infusion is started about his shortness of breathe-unbelievable . She is more concerned about her mother and driving 4 hrs and staying over night to see the new grandson-some day she will be wailing about losing her husband-I husband was a bad man but my priorities were taking care of him. I will call him when she is working and try to see him another day that she works-that should be my husband above.

Hope so, Looloo! - that it will continue for a long long time, that is. It's that funny quirky feeling you get when you think dear mother, may she live forever… Don't mind me, I'm only pulling my own leg there. I do love her really. Sigh.

"Darling wonderful" brother called last night "to see how Mummy is." Bit of e.s.p. at play, maybe, since I'd been thinking evil-vibe thoughts about him earlier in the day. This is the whole second time that he's managed to pick up the phone this year, on top of seeing mother twice - once at her sister's funeral in January, once at his son's wedding last month. And it's mother's birthday in July, which he seems to think quite soon enough for their next encounter. I asked (because I knew she would) when he was thinking of coming down for a visit. Not soon. Oh? Well, they're redoing their bathroom and there are things to finish off. And they've got to paint the just-married son's bedroom. The bedroom he will no longer be using, i.e. What's the rush? Do they know something I don't know about the bride's health :)?

Be that as it may, the update I now have for mother is that Darling Wonderful son is too busy to come and see her because he would literally rather watch paint dry. I cut the conversation short and didn't say anything unpleasant to him. All of this is only important to mother, and only because she loves him dearly; from my selfish point of view life is much more peaceful when he's not even on the radar. And saying "you are a useless twat with the lamest excuses this side of Network Rail," while gratifying, would not improve relations, possibly.

But Looloo going back a bit, you'd have felt a sympathetic twinge for my sister last week: she came over for lunch, talked mother through her mail, sat with her for a full hour, then set off home with all duty done. Two hours later I noticed mother had a face like a little black raincloud. Turns out sister didn't wave as she went past the window on her way to her car. Tsk, fancy that.

Very glad I got my daylong visit over with yesterday. All in all, it could have been worse. There were several snarky sarcastic comments to me, which I ignored. Well, I'd turn my head and mouth the words " F--- YOU!" Which helped, lol. And there was her usual pity party of course. AND, reminiscing about traumatic events in history (which she had no direct experience of, but wanted to go over it again just the same). I got a few things done that I wanted to get done (letter updating her neurologist delivered to him, removing a cancelled credit card from her wallet when she wasn't looking) , so that was good. I chickened out on having another discussion about maybe her allowing in some companion aid service--it was the end of the day, and I was exhausted, and I was afraid of getting her all defensive again. Her smoke alarm is chirping (probably has been for a while now) so I found her 9 volt batteries--which I hope she doesn't misplace again--and will call someone out to replace them today. Evidently she paid a plumber $50 to "fix something" but she can't remember what. I can't get too wound up, because this is bound to continue for a long LONG time.

The JOYS of dysfunctional families!

Glad~My mom and sis and now sis's eldest daughter used the guilt, "Do you know how much it cost for us to get this for you?" "How selfish of you to ruin this toy or spill this on a carpet we spent lots of money on!" Kids are kids....

EMJO,
You bet, narc sister playing off of mother! And she was the golden child, could never do anything wrong, sis just had a way of manipulating from early in her life. Started when mom first brought her home from the hospital, and I had been playing on the floor with some of my toys. And mom told me this, she told me I better pick up my toys or she would give them to the new baby. Talk about starting out on the right foot!

4 in 1 cribs -great gift!!! but X 2 a little expensive. Good to hear you are doing well Sharyn. The reveal sounds like a lot of work. I am sure you will be glad when it is over,

also Christine - sounds like you are gaining the right skills with the in laws

sandwich - keep us updated on what is happening with your mum

Alison - had some moments of crabby last night and this morning, but started doing my floors and it wore off. One set of phones went dead, but seem to have fixed it - loose connection. Still no sign of my camera :( or the rings. Strange. Need to get back to my floors. Still lots to do, but I am a bit tired. This house is too big for someone my age unless I had help or it was kept very well organized and belongings pared down. Neither is the case. Fortunately with just G and I it is not too bad, but with the lads going in and out I notice the difference.

glad - I am sending that info about the narc sis to mother's social worker. They have no idea, but are beginning to see about mother, BUT it was not just mother all my life, but sis playing off mother as well, which more than doubled the trouble.

marg - you know the scene when one narc plays off another with your aunt the battleax and your sis

susan - what a night mare of dysfunction. That comment by your sis rubs it in. I rather my sis just stay out of the way. Her way of helping has been to step in and take over with no consultation. I feel fortunate when she stays away from me. I do not do day to day caregiving, but it would be the same if I did. The first time we moved mother my sis sat in a chair and watched us work, and went home with the most expensive piece of art work mother had. She also had the nerve to lay out some things of mother's she wanted and tell me to mail them to her. She was retired at the time and could have done it herself. Gary and I were working and had limited time. I could go on... Selfish sibs...It is good you are getting the house secured in your name.

Austin - have you managed to see your bro?

juju -so glad to see you surface again. Hope things are getting done.

hi everyone else -whoever I have missed - take care and do something good for you today! ((((((((((hugs))))))))))

A 4 in1 crib is a fantastic thing to have. Lucky!

Glad-I think retailers only give free items if you have quads +.
Sandwich-the cribs I ordered are the 4 in 1 convertible cribs. In the expresso color they the original price. My daughter's in-laws are buying a twin stroller for them and car seats are on my daughter and son-in-law. No bassinettes or cradles. They should have everthing to start them out.

The Google told me this: website: probate-estate-planner/lady-bird.html

Good morning,
Better weekend with the inlaws, thank heaven. Kept doing the old times talk. And Charles found some music his dad liked, really old C&W, and was playing it for him and that seemed to help too.

Funny how when I tried t get them to talk about the old days, FIL talked about good times, MIL talked about disappointments and bad times. Oy vey. And FIL told me the same stories a few times during the day, which was okay. I can be patient with that. What made me sad and start to unglue was when MIL went to get him off the couch for supper, and he said where are we again? He also couldn't remember where the bathroom was. But then he couldn't remember in his own home either. Charles talked him into the depends for overnight. I am doing a load of laundry every night with his peed on clothes. So maybe this will help a little.

MIL has a lot of drama, she gets jealous when the attention is on FIL and gets this throbbing tone to her voice. I want to slap her. But I wouldn't. So I hug her instead. But wow. She was always like that though, this is just drama on steroids. :-}

Finally got her to give me all their meds. She kept hiding them and trying to tell me I was dispensing them wrong. She has not been taking hers regularly, and that is half the reason for her being more crazy than normal. One of the handful of pills she takes is an anti anxiety pill. I checked and she can take more of those as needed. And boy are they needed. Poor little thing. If she could just relax she would be a lot better.

Good news is they are eating like little piglets. Since they are both severely underweight I am so glad about that. I will cook three course meals every night if that would help! A cousin was bringing them plates of food and putting them in the freezer before, but I think it was too much for them to microwave them. So me putting food on their plates is working. I was teasing MIL that she would scrape the flowers off the plates! Anyway, one bright spot in the crazy new world I live in.
Thanks for all the advice and support...I would have been crazy myself without you.
Hugs
Christine

Susan what is a lady Bird Trust? I have never heard of that. Just got done researching a Miller Trust which I also was not familiar with. I learn so many new things on this site or even just new things I need to follow up on. I am interested to know what your freelance business is. Best Wishes

Sharyn - one of my friends had twins. Far as I know, nobody gave them any second item for free. The diaper companies run a program for parents of multiples, but nothing is free. My friends have a teeny weeny itty bitty house that's crowded with two people in it, and one crib barely fit. They had to put it in the den, as that was the only place that could hold it! The babies slept in their car seats anyway, to keep their head elevated for gastric reflux. Both car seats fit in one crib. Then as they got bigger, they just slept in the same crib, or one in the crib, another somewhere else like a pack & play. My friends only had two car seats, and two clip-on high chairs instead of the free-standing ones.

My only demands for new baby items were car seat and crib to make sure we had the ones meeting newest safety standards. Our crib ended up being a great place to store diapers, onesies, and towels. My son and daughter slept in the swing more than the crib! God bless battery operated swings or I would not have had a shower for a couple years. At one point, I started to wonder why we had a crib in the first place. It just seemed like one of those things we just do. Same for a bassinette & cradle. I had all 3 and it was all just in the way. I got babies that would only be put down for the swing I guess! If I had it to do again, I'd get one of those cribs that converts to a toddler bed.

Sharyn-
In the good old days, families expecting twins were able to get a second matching of whatever free from various stores. I know Penney's used to do that, wonder if anyone still does...

Alison-I got in over my head on the crib situation because when I offered to get a crib...we didn't know she was having twins.

Thanks, Veronica -

No, the computer isn't going anywhere - I need it to work the 60+ hrs a week that I do for my freelance business to keep us afloat and to pay for the work on the house!

Good idea on the pastor - not sure he'd be open to that idea, but I'd sure like to tell him. I'm in agreement with you - it really took the biscuit. I was floored when she said it and all I could respond with was, "thanks....".

I am in the process of having a Lady Bird Deed drawn up to handle the house issue - siblings are all in agreement that it should come to me, and none of them wants it anyway. They see it as the place where they were abused and could never live here without having flashbacks. I see it as 4 walls and a roof. I have flashbacks and dreams, but I can deal with them. It's over, he's gone, and the house is no more defined by what happened within its walls than I am.

Susan I wish I had an answer for you but I don't. This is so common in many famillies one is left wondering just how many children are affected and why the other parent either does not know or chooses to ignore it. Can't believe it is love for the other parent. Fear probably plays a very large part but I simply don't know enough about the psychology to offer insight.
As far as the uninvolvement of siblings that seems to be rampant and your sister asking her pastor to pray for you and Mom took the biscuit. Maybe you should contact her pastor and request that prayers be offered up for your sister in her ignorance and any other non caregiving siblings in the congregation. Perhaps he could even base a sermon on it.
On a different subject has the house actually been signed over to you? Make sure you keep detailed records and bills for every expense you incurr if not. When mom dies siblings may not be so inclined to be praying for you. Now you have got that off your chest have a good evening. Don't sacrifice the computer we will never hear from you again.

Good grief, Sharyn, for that difference in price, buy any color that's cheaper, take into back yard, and spray paint any color you like! :-) I painted so many pieces for grandma's house that I picked up at thrift stores or give-aways, and they turned out nicely. But a new baby deserves a fresh new crib, glad you can buy one for the MUCH less expensive price.

SusanA43, can you tell your sister what you just said here? "Thank you for your prayers, but I could use your earthly assistance more." Will your direct request get you anywhere? I'm sorry there is much abuse and dysfunction in your family. Have you ever sought any counseling/therapy to help you deal with those things? And you can always just rant/vent away if it helps you… :-) That's allowed here, encouraged even.

Emjo, was happy to read that you are not terribly upset about jewelry/camera. I was thinking that this jewelry had more meaning to you, and losing the rings would be very hurtful. I've only lost a few pieces of jewelry in my life but they were some of my most sentimental pieces. I still have regret that they are gone because they were heirlooms. So, I think I was projecting a bit, haha. Yes, things are just things. Hope you are getting through it all ok.

Happy Sunday! Until next time. (((hugs)))

Some other company bought all the black cribs that were priced at $175.99. Since they bought them all, they are charging $503.99. Seems like scalping to me and should be illegal.

Hi everyone!

Joan~Thanks for asking. I am doing ok. Not drinking!!
The reveal is next Saturday. My daughter arrives on Tuesday. I am stressing today because I am trying to order the cribs for her, but the color she wanted has increased to over $500 a crib. Wow, oh she said to order expresso which was her first choice, Thank God. I am breathing normal again, LOL!!

I ordered the cakes yesterday, costco doesn't make fruit or veggie trays so I will probably have to make my own. I am looking forward to seeing my daughter, but I will be glad when the reveal is over. Too much with everything else going on. It looks like we will have around 30-35 people with 7 of them being children under 10 years.

Have a good day everyone.

Ok...I have a question.

What do you do with siblings that just won't help....but offer to "pray for you, because you have so much on your plate caring for Mom by yourself"??

I almost threw my computer through a window when I got that message on Facebook today from one of my siblings. I guess I should be happy she offered to pray for me, because that's more than the other 2 offer to do. Brother will occasionally help get Mom in/out of the van when we meet for breakfast - but usually doesn't, and when he does, I'm supposed to be appropriately grateful for his help (!?!) - yet he can haul his MIL all over town for her appointments, snowblow her driveway & shovel her sidewalks, make home repairs for her, etc. I have to PAY someone to make repairs to Mom's home. Yes, I live here too, and the house will eventually be mine, but why shouldn't someone else help too?

I guess today was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back, when sister told me she asked their pastor to pray for both Mom and me. You've GOT to be kidding me. Not that I don't appreciate or believe in prayer - of course I do - but I don't need your prayers, I need your HELP.

Our family dynamic is anything but normal - there's sexual abuse in our past by our father and 2 other male relatives, and our mother stayed with our father, even after I told her what was going on (and I was the youngest, so at that point, it had been going on for years, and the others were too scared to speak up). So I totally understand that there's probably some deep-seated resentment, etc. towards Mom ....but they can act all loving and kind to her at breakfast or on holidays....but if I need help, it's not there. It's like she doesn't exist outside of those Sunday breakfasts or holidays. It's like they're just waiting for her to die so they don't have to deal with her anymore. (Wow, that was hard to type...that thought just hit me and it was like a sledgehammer.)

Not sure what I'm looking for here...I guess just needed to vent/rant. Some days I'm so tired of acting like our family is "normal" when we're anything but. Unfortunately, that's the position our mother put us in when she chose to stay with the man who abused her children. I've tried so hard to understand why she did it - but I simply can't. She tells me one time she did it so he would know she was always watching, and he would never have the opportunity to do that again - to anyone - and another time she says she was simply fighting to keep her family together.

Ugh. Not a great day. I'm going to escape for a couple of hours tonight to get groceries....yay.

sandwich - I am so glad you are getting some positive action from the professionals. Hurrah for the doctor who was horrified your mum had been released after her suicide ideation. Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better. I do hope that she does not go back to her apartment. Like mother, it sounds as if she is past a point where she can care for herself or even take proper advantage of the care that is available. Mother really needs nurses around keeping a eye on her all the time, and as far as I understand, that is the case where she will be sent. Sounds like your mum needs the same - and tat includes nurses trained in dealing with mentally ill patients. I hope they come up with a plan soon. They found vascular dementia in mother and even though she still tests pretty well - she was/is very bright - there is a disease process that won't stop, but is gradually bringing her down. Finally the professionals are recognizing this. They will try to give her antianxiety meds, which I doubt she will take, but it makes sense to try.

Marg - mother is one who is definitely addicted to raging -and the adrenaline rush of that. Everyone else would be wiped by her rages -she was energized.

Book - how are you??? Know you are loved and appreciated here.

Sharyn -reveal time soon I believe, or was it yesterday. I have lost track. How are you doing?

judda - hope your mum is OK. UTIs are pretty common

hi sweetness -sounds like you are on the right track with your dad

Christine -reminiscing was a great idea. Distraction from whatever is bothering him may work, if not just removing yourself, or coming up with an explanation/comment that satisfies him - like you can go home when the doctors OKs it, as Sharyn suggested

Stiff legs from going up and down the basement stairs so often, and a bit tired, but nothing else so far. A good soak in the air jet tub will help that. I don't want to think about the repair work that has yet to be done in the basement, but the results will be good. Loads of laundry to do today, and sorting some photos if I can get myself together enough.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you. (((((((((hugs)))))))

Camaryllis,

Bless your heart. This kind of engaging I always think is wonderful.
It's good you are trying some approach, so that your FIL feels good about something, and the two of you can find some meeting point in the midst of the caregiving. It doesn't have to all be doom and gloom, is what I say.
We just have to really be aware when to pull back and not allow it to affect our emotional state, or have uncontrolled reactions to the drama.
We can feel bad for our elders, and everything that that stirs up to a point.
But when we need to make decisions and be involved in the daily care of them,
the roles do change. You really demonstrate fairness. That''s a good thing!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Bookluvr,

I agree that it must be hard to as you've put it, "getting up close and personal,"
w/someone such as your dad. But......this is where detachment comes in.
In other words, you have to become the observer of your dad so to say, and really try to refrain from losing your temper w/him. I saw this happen time and time again through the stories my sister recanted to me about the battle ax, (our aunt).

Our aunt's mobility was very compromised, because of diabetes and major heart problems. She walked (very little) if that....w/use of walker. At mother's home,
where my aunt resided w/my sister, there are some huge Italian dining room table chairs. that are very heavy. When the battle ax was worked up, in a bad mood.....she'd get up w/the walker ahead of her. She'd attempt to plow through the kitchen and behave as if she could just push those chairs out of her way w/her weakened body and the walker. It was so ridiculous to watch, and pathetic. My sister's reaction was getting very angry, and I'll call it what she does......."infuriated." My aunt knew this, thereby got her jollies each and every time my sister would succumb to this reaction. It fell upon deaf ears, when I'd make suggestions to my sister that instead of going that route......to just move the dog gone chairs. She lives there,
I thought suggested to her, "get rid of those chairs." For crying out loud....this would be a way to minimize the problem. Duhhhhh!

There are psychologists who have studied the topic of people being addicted to the emotional feeling of anger. My sister is definitely in that camp. Anyway, my point is that I in no way am assuming your situation is just like my sister's.
However, maybe we can look at it as homework as to how we react to it.
When I was visiting......and my aunt tried busting loose w/her walker,
I would get up and push the chair out of the way. Of course she'd manage to say some sarcasm to me, because she noticed I was ruining her opportunity to drag me into her muck. When she'd start to say things, my response in my situation was, "You can injure yourself by trying to do this." I'll never forget the look on the battle axe's face the first time I tried this. Believe me too, don't go thinking that this didn't yank my chain whilst she attempted this. But that day I tried this approach......I can say, I had an AHA!!!! moment. It stopped her dead in her tracks, because I turned the tables on her pointing out some kind of concern, which was she not get hurt. At the same time, I detached and became the observer of the situation, and honestly I did notice a change about the tricks this sick woman would at least try to play on me. There came a moment in that she knew that I was on to her game.

You will find your own ways that suit your situation.
I also want to add, that you do a more than A+ job with the challenges I know you face, and you have my highest respect, too.

You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

What a week! I feel like I was sucked into an alternate timeline on another planet. I need to go back & read posts to catch up.

Last Friday mom was sent to the ER for suicidal ideation with a plan but was discharged because there were no beds for psych patients with dementia. While I was trying to find a geriatric psych nearby, an oral glucose lowering drug was added to her long list of pills. She won't/can't comply with insulin, so we all thought an oral med would be better. One of the med nurses/health aids can give it to her.

Great, except she wouldn't eat after. No food reason, probably because she knew she had to eat. Mom's been like that forever. This pill wasn't playing games with mom (and hadn't gotten the memo that mom knows better!!) and she had a couple days of very low readings where staff had to give her OJ and a sandwich. Wednesday she actually blacked out, fell, and hit her head. Good thing the med nurse found her. Glucose level was 29.

So it was back to the ER. They did CAT scan, ultrasound, chest xray, and a ton of bloodwork on her. In addition to the many other problems, she sounded like she was coming down with bronchitis too. She was admitted, and I finally got to speak to a doctor who was appalled she had been dismissed after the suicide thing. Ultimately, mom was put on the neuro unit. She couldn't "pass" the psych eval or the OT eval for tasks of daily living. As bad as this sounds, I am over the moon that these problems are FINALLY getting the right professional attention.

They had her work with a respiratory therapist to learn to take deep breaths again. OT, PT, and getting her up and into the restroom to toilet. Sitting in the dark 23 hours a day, in a chair with your feet dangling down is apparently bad. (I say that facetiously.) She won't get up & walk around just to see what's going on no matter how we try. She doesn't believe that everybody there gets lost, and staff will take you back to your apartment.

She's being moved to rehab (TCU is the term now I guess) today. She probably won't ever go back to her apartment. She did really well while people were bringing her 3 low salt, low fat meals a day, actually putting it in her face, and while PT was taking her on what I call "forced marches". Go figure! The swelling in her legs went away, the color came back into her face. They jacked up her anxiety meds, and for a couple days, she was a lovely and polite person. The nurses would also rub her down with lotion for this mystery itch she has, so the contact and endorphins helped her a lot. If I tried to do it, she would jerk away from me and howl, so I'm off that duty I guess.

Every person that saw her noticed her scratching, and I would explain we have explored dermatology already, and we don't know where it's coming from. Side effects, an unfound allergy, OCD. Nobody knows yet. Her other problems demand more urgent attention.

She is still super confused and is probably going to stay like that. But the old mom is emerging from the shell because I got 2 phone calls within a few minutes of each other this morning to rip me a new one over the fact she can't find the bathrobe or her comb that I brought her. She is confabulating too. She swears somebody stole her robe and was eating food off her tray at mealtime.

I thought I'd go over for a short visit in her new room this afternoon, after they get her settled in some. And maybe begin the boxing up process in her apartment of stuff she won't notice if it's gone.

Oof. It's a step, but how to know in what direction? It will be good her for her to be in rehab. It's also a very outward sign of some decline and the future inevitable. All I can hope for is a gentle landing, whenever that is to be.