notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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She may have passed a tiny kidney stone or "gravel". A little blood goes a long way in the toilet so unless she really passes a lot it is not an emergency. Has she had this before? is she sure it is from her bladder and not vagina? Has she been having sharp pains recently in the kidney area just above her hips. If you are really worried by all means go to the ER. save a specimen at home before you go. Wash out a clean jar and rinse with boiling water and after it has cooled have her pee in that. make sure she washes her genital area well first and then use a wipe before she collects the specimen. label with her name ,date of birth and the date and time collected.
Alison - glad your bro and you are managing better. Getting through it. The rings and camera will either be found or they won't. If they are not found I will buy another camera and say good bye to the rings. I don't need them anyway. The lads have moved much stuff from the basement into a trailer for storage and cleaned up and bleached the floor in the basement. The insurance adjuster comes Monday. He will be busy in this street, and I will find out what they will cover. Some drywall is wet too. It could have been worse. I have been going through photos etc. we found in the basement - something I needed to do in any case. In some ways it is a blessing in disguise. All is well with my soul!
book - BIG ((((((((Hugs)))))))) You have so much to deal with. I don't know how you do it, but you are doing a great job. As far as I am concerned vent about your sis here all you want to. It is part of the caregiving package.
glad - wonderful that the sw sees how things are and knows what a good job you are doing. Detaching is the only way to go. I can't do it all the time either, but keep working on it.
Good night all -hope tomorrow is a good day.
I'm about to vent about sis. Please skip the next paragraph if my venting irritates you because I refuse to do something about it.
I've just posted a long vent about sis. I didn't hit the Submit button. I just needed to write down all my pissed off, angry words of all the things she's Not doing and how I have to do it, on top of changing his darn pampers, full time job, etc... Today, I cleaned the toilet, unclogged the bathroom sink and cleaned a filthy kitchen sink (for a month) waiting for sis to maybe say, "hmmmm. the toilet is filthy (cuz She made the mess, not me), I should clean it." Or...."hmmm... I'm clogging up the bathroom sink from food (throwing up????), I will unclog it since I made the mess." Or... "hmmmm, instead of me dumping all the opened small milk cartons for K to clean up, I will just quickly do a rinse and dump it in the recycle pile." Or... "the sink is getting black and moldy, and since I'm home all day, and K is doing all the filthy caregiving stuff, the least I can do is clean the kitchen sink and clear out all those expired foods that K keeps trying to throw out but I keep telling her to leave it in since I will eat it ...eventually." Which - she does NOT!!!! This is a much tamer version of what I originally was going to post. I am so tired today. I cleaned the toilet, the bathroom sink, and the kitchen sink, cleared out the fridge... If I don't do it, it can get really really gross. Trust me. I've seen the apartment where she used to live. VENTING... I cannot confront sis. I tried therapy on this and I just cannot go there. Therapist cannot force me. One day, hopefully, I will reach the stage. .. I try really really hard not to vent about sis, here on AC. But, I cannot keep holding it in. Because I'm seriously struggling with "death" in my mind. And so I need to vent it out. Gosh, I'm crying... I close now. I hate crying. It makes my sinus clog up my face, and I can't breathe thru the nose. Later.
Emjo - you are experiencing the kinds of things that can really throw me off track in life. The dog presumably eats some of your rings, you've lost your good camera, and your house is flooded with sewage. Yikes! I'm just very sympathetic and hope you get through these bumps sooner rather than later. Yes, this too shall pass, but not before it has its way with you and causes lots of grumpy chaos. ;-) Hugs. Please do remember to take care of yourself and not do too much.
Camryllis - I'm reading and sympathizing but don't have much to offer in way of advice. I've yet to care for a combative elder thats going through dementia. My grandma would get fussy at times but was pretty easily soothed. My dad does get rageful (is that a proper word? lol) at times and I do exit stage right, like you said. But he doesn't have dementia, really, so its different. Its just a temper tantrum and I feel absolutely zero obligation to entertain him when he gets like that. Good luck with sorting out your household. I'm glad you're here and getting some support.
Juju - nice to see a post from you. Its been awhile. Hope you and mom are as well as can be expected.
Glad - can relate to feeling like you are seeing sibs true colors coming through… its not a good feeling. I try to have kind and harmonious relationships with my brothers, however the reality has been quite different. The only "good thing" (if you want to call it that) is that older bro and I seem to agree to disagree more and more - meaning we will both just STOP interacting/conversing and "walk away" when we start to get into it. I honestly see that as a positive step for our relationship, as it has been really ugly between us, at times, in the past. I don't want to engage in a destructive way with anyone, least of all my family, if I can at all help it. Good luck with your sisters.
Hugs to everybody else!!! Its Saturday night, I've considered going out to meet friends in the city. I'm definitely more social lately than in a long time… that's a good thing. :-)
trying to make her see I have my own needs and don't exist for her control. I listened to my friends and saw a social worker counselor. Third year: learned to control my mouth, my anger, and to let things go. Think of Japanese wrestlers: take opponent's energy and firmly but without anger or attachment set it aside.
Meditate, walk in nature, make phone calls to friends, and learn to emotionally detach: I am letting go of having a mother. I am letting go of the good times I had with her in the not too distant past. I am setting boundaries without fights. I am not someone she can lean on emotionally now. I support her needs as necessary and find others who can take my place. I have more of a life than in the beginning. Mom's behavior is improving: more respectful, more detached, often puts me down but I don't allow her to have power over me anymore.
Ask yourself: do I love myself? How can I give love to myself when someone else is putting me down or trying to hurt me? Can Mom really help her actions and words? But wait, does it matter? Nothing can change really except how I feel inside.
After a while I have begun to feel more compassion for Mom but I still must keep my distance. She tells me she appreciates things I am doing for her now.
Best wishes for healing. I know how tough it is.
This was brown water. It has affected the whole block. We are sorting and the lads are carrying stuff out into a trailer in the driveway for temporary storage. It means I am throwing things out too, which is good. Found some old cards and pics I want to keep, but lots are getting tossed. The next room to be sorted is the laundry room. If I do too much, I will be out for the count for up to a week with the fibro. The lads are doing most of it, but I have to check for things that need to be kept as one of them tossed a $1000 Persian rug of mine 5 yrs ago when he was working here. He travels very light.
With this and moving mother, I won't want to pack up anything for a long time.
On top of it all I can't find my good camera and am afraid I have lost it. Another aaaargh!
Marg - that is my sister and my family experience with her pretty well exactly. I really understand now why the psychiatrist from years ago said he was more concerned about my sister than my mother. Sis used mother all these years. Lordy, I am blessed to not be a worse mess than I am with all that dysfunction. My father was alcoholic but he was kind and affectionate a lot of the time which helped enormously.
glad - TWO sisters -oh my goodness - well I have a mother and a sister and they play off against one another. How do we survive???
Extra laundry to do now - and I am behind from my last trip. Oh well, this too shall pass.
Have a good day everyone. I am taking a break as the fibro fatigue is coming on. (((((((hugs))))))) to all
Thank you. I know, I don't want to engage and have to find a way to take myself out of the equation in my mind, at least. Today I tried something different, I engaged him in a conversation about his past life. He had fun talking about his glory days. And probably, I can do the same thing tomorrow, as he will not recall that we had the conversation. If it makes him happy I will be glad.
Thanks for caring
Christine
Yes, he is doing it too...we work opposite shifts so I am home with them in the evenings and he is here in the mornings. So it is up to both of us.
Better day today. I made a point of asking him about his earlier life, and got him talking, that was good and it worked. Fingers crossed.
Hugs
Christine
Sewage backup? Been there, done that numerous times, probably 40 years ago in Mom's house. As it turned out, the city had leased excess flow area in sanitary, to neighboring suburb. Well, too much development upstream overloaded the the system for a number of years until suburb constructed their own system to handle their own household waste.
In this area grey water is sewage that has been treated, I'll be it minimally, for irrigation systems to golf courses, parks and large commercial developments.
Still alive here, plugging along! Joan, you are in my boat, pun intended, but worse as it is "grey water" as they call it here. oh what a mess. So sorry!
Just want to say hi to everyone. Been working very hard at pulling this house and our life back together! Making a bit of progress here n there, seeing a light at the end of the tunnel!!
I sure would love to catch up but so much is past! Hope everyone is coping well with all the drama and stress of caregiving life!
Peace,
Juju
Please disregard those first words, "of my car."
I edited my post, so doesn't have anything to do w/the rest of it.]
Margeaux
This article about "The Narcissist in Your Life," brilliant!
I can definitely see my sister in there. In her case.....she didn't play the "poor little me." but definitely her lies, jealousy.....then my parent's dysfunction played into her ploys. She never got along w/mom back in the day. Yet......she thought nothing of asking mother many years ago, to co-sign for her and the ex on a loan through mother's credit union. She's derived many financial benefits through the years, as well as golden boy from our parents. She loves to feel so powerful, and above people. What she doesn't stop to think is that in many instances she's in good financial shape, because of other people's help. She even rented a 3 bedroom house from the battle ax for over 15 years, way below market value. Thank you for posting this. I'm definitely going to look this up,
because I can see my sister in this. On top of all that......she loves to look down upon people, when it comes to their money. Recently, when her daughter had the Baptismal event in mom's home, she complained about an aunt on the daughter's dad's side of the family, who didn't attend. I told my sister I'd heard she couldn't attend, because she was asked to work, overtime. My sister's response was something like, "Oh yeah, she has to work, because she's hard up for money, these days." This attitude for me is so repugnant. She's always made comments of the sort about many people, I'm sure even about me behind my back.
Have you had any success finding those rings?
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Try not to engage w/you in laws when they get this way. I know that is easier said than done, also. But.....really in your FIL's demential condition, if you're saying he makes a fuss then forgets about it, that says quite a lot, about his cognitive thinking. I think it only makes it worse when one engages, thereby only making it a mass confused dialogue between you and him. It's like one has to disarm the aggressor, and the only way for that to happen is to, yes I think leaving the room is a good idea.
Maybe this taste of having them in your home is good in that it's a window what it could be like. Since you've told us that there's a social worker involved, maybe there could be a way to see if they could qualify for a NH, ALF, etc.
But don't get trapped in something like this if you feel that you aren't going to be able to handle this either. Other's here have given you great ideas as to how to handle those times when they get out of hand.
I've a sister who takes care of mom, w/ALZ. A few years ago, it was also our aunt, mom's sister. My sister moved into mother's home to administer care.
She hired paid caregivers, since she works full time. Our aunt was a very difficult person. My sister always got too caught up meeting resistance w/resistance.
She's not an easy personality either. But when she'd call to endlessly complain,
and she'd tell me stories of the arguments, or struggles......many times I felt,
"If my sister could only take herself out of the equation if only in her mind, when my aunt would act up." No, instead my sister unfortunately inflamed many situations, and much of it was the reaction my sister had to the aggression.
Anyway, I do hope that you and your husband are able to find some assistance with regards to the care of his parents.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Sharyn, thanks for the info, too. I also copied/pasted it. Very hard to not argue or show doubts of their words.
Examples: Statements such as “I don’t want to take a shower!”, “I want to go home!”, “I don’t want to eat that!” may escalate into aggressive behavior.
Explanation: The most important thing to remember about verbal or physical aggression, says the Alzheimer’s Association, is that your loved one is not doing it on purpose. Aggression is usually triggered by something—often physical discomfort, environmental factors such as being in an unfamiliar situation, or even poor communication. “A lot of times aggression is coming from pure fear,” says Tresa Mariotto, Family Ambassador at Silverado Senior Living in Bellingham, WA. “People with dementia are more apt to hit, kick, or bite” in response to feeling helpless or afraid.
Ann Napoletan, who writes for Caregivers.com, is all too familiar with this situation. “As my mom’s disease progressed, so did the mood swings. She could be perfectly fine one moment, and the next she was yelling and getting physical. Often, it remained a mystery as to what prompted the outburst. For her caregivers, it was often getting dressed or bathing that provoked aggression.”
DO: The key to responding to aggression caused by dementia is to try to identify the cause—what is the person feeling to make them behave aggressively? Once you’ve made sure they aren’t putting themselves (or anyone else) in danger, you can try to shift the focus to something else, speaking in a calm, reassuring manner.
“This is where truly knowing your loved one is so important,” says Ann Napoletan. “In my mom’s case, she didn’t like to be fussed over. If she was upset, oftentimes trying to talk to her and calm her down only served to agitate her more. Likewise, touching her–even to try and hold her hand or gently rub her arm or leg–might result in her taking a swing. The best course of action in that case was to walk away and let her have the space she needed.”
DON’T: “The worst thing you can do is engage in an argument or force the issue that’s creating the aggression,” Ann says. “Don’t try to forcibly restrain the person unless there is absolutely no choice.” Tresa Mariotto agrees: “The biggest way to stop aggressive behavior is to remove the word ‘no’ from your vocabulary.”
Common Situation #2: Confusion About Time or Place
Examples: “I want to go home!” , “This isn’t my house.” , “When are we leaving? Why are we here?”
Explanation: Wanting to go home is one of the most common reactions for an Alzheimer’s or dementia patient living in a memory care facility. Remember that Alzheimer’s causes progressive damage to cognitive functioning, and this is what creates the confusion and memory loss. There’s also a psychological component, says Tresa: “Often people are trying to go back to a place where they had more control in their lives.”
DO: There are a few possible ways to respond to questions that indicate your loved one is confused about where he or she is. Simple explanations along with photos and other tangible reminders can help, suggests the Alzheimer’s Association. Sometimes, however, it can be better to redirect the person, particularly in cases where you’re in the process of moving your loved one to a facility or other location.
“The better solution is to say as little as possible about the fact that they have all of their belongings packed and instead try to redirect them–find another activity, go for a walk, get a snack, etc.,” says Ann Napoletan. “If they ask specific questions such as ‘When are we leaving?’ you might respond with, ‘We can’t leave until later because…’ the traffic is terrible / the forecast is calling for bad weather / it’s too late to leave tonight.”
“You have to figure out what’s going to make the person feel the safest,” says Tresa Mariotto, even if that ends up being “a therapeutic lie.”
DON’T: Lengthy explanations or reasons are not the way to go. “You can’t reason with someone who has Alzheimer’s or dementia,” says Ann. “It just can’t be done.” In fact, says Tresa, “A lot of times we’re triggering the response that we’re getting because of the questions we’re asking.”
This was another familiar situation for Ann and her mother. “I learned this one the hard way. We went through a particularly long spell where every time I came to see my mom, she would have everything packed up ready to go–EVERYTHING! …Too many times, I tried to reason with her and explain that she was home; this was her new home. Inevitably things would get progressively worse.”
Common Situation #3: Poor Judgment or Cognitive Problems
Examples: Unfounded accusations: “You stole my vacuum cleaner!”
Trouble with math or finances: “I’m having trouble with the tip on this restaurant bill.”
Other examples: unexplained hoarding/stockpiling, repetition of statements or tasks
Explanation: The deterioration of brain cells caused by Alzheimer’s is a particular culprit in behaviors showing poor judgment or errors in thinking. These can contribute to delusions, or untrue beliefs. Some of these problems are obvious, such as when someone is hoarding household items, or accuses a family member of stealing something. Some are more subtle, however, and the person may not realize that they are having trouble with things that they never used to think twice about.
According to Ann Napoletan, “There came a time when I began to suspect my mom was having problems keeping financial records in order. At the time, she was living independently and was very adamant about remaining in her house. Any discussion to the contrary, or really any comment that eluded to the fact that she may be slipping, was met with either rage or tears. It was when she asked me to help with her taxes that I noticed the checking account was a mess.”
DO: First you’ll want to assess the extent of the problem. “If you’re curious and don’t want to ask, take a look at a heating bill,” suggests Tresa Mariotto. “Sometimes payments are delinquent or bills aren’t being paid at all.” You can also flip through their checkbook and look at the math, or have them figure out the tip at a restaurant.
The Alzheimer’s Association says to be encouraging and reassuring if you’re seeing these changes happen. Also, you can often minimize frustration and embarrassment by offering help in small ways with staying organized. This is what Ann did for her mother: “As I sifted through records to complete her tax return, I gently mentioned noticing a couple of overdraft fees and asked if the bank had perhaps made a mistake. As we talked through it, she volunteered that she was having more and more difficulty keeping things straight, knew she had made some errors, and asked if I would mind helping with the checkbook going forward. I remember her being so relieved after we talked about it.” From there, over time, Ann was gradually able to gain more control over her mother’s finances.
DON’T: What you shouldn’t do in these circumstances is blatantly question the person’s ability to handle the situation at hand, or try to argue with them. “Any response that can be interpreted as accusatory or doubting the person’s ability to handle their own affairs only serves to anger and put them on the defensive,” says Ann.
Are you a caregiver or family member of someone with dementia? Do any of these situations sound familiar? We want to hear your stories, too—please feel free to share them in the comments.
Dementia Care Dos & Don'ts: Dealing with Dementia Behavior Problems by Sarah Stevenson
Now I know it is not that simple with FIL but you are not going to make anything worse by taking yourself out of the line of fire. He will soon get tired of yelling at himself and hopefully will have forgotten all about it when you come back - and don't hurry. i like Sharayns idea of telling him he can go home when the Dr complets the paperwork or the house is rewired or whatever.
i read an article on Borderline personality disorder nd both Book and Emjo deal with that. What i took away from it was that the peron fixes on a person close to them in this case the two daughters and are hateful to them, refusing to co operate in any way down to not wearing clothes selected and worse smearing poop on the bathroom walls, refusing food prepared even if it is their favorite and ordering something from take out. An experience professional caregiver may be able to gain their confidence. Ladee m is an expert at winning the demented elder over but it does take time and skill and as others have said they never settle down and accept things. I think a few months Christine may be more than you can tolerate. You may have seperate quarters in the house but before long they are likely to invade your privacy too. SO is free during the early part of the day so send him out to start finding alternatives. If you have an Office on Aging that is a good place to start. He should also consult an elder care attorney to try and get POA lined up. They should also be contributing to household expences too. Neither of you is required to support them financially.
I have a very short temper which I was able to control at age 23. Now.... father yells at me, I yell back. I agree the situation worsens. Oldest sis responds calmly, father treats her like dirt. When father yells at me, I still revert back to my childhood, and become terrified inside. Fight or flight respond. I'm embarrassed to say that I automatically fight. I'm still trying to figure out a way, too. {hugs}