The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

sharyn you have a concussion.... seriously. if your pupils are even, go lay down. If they are not, go to the ER.
None of us are perfect. Why should you be any different?

I have to confess something. The realizationof it bit me hard today. I went out. In yhr back yard calling for Tiger. I tripped causing the yard waste. Can to fall on splitting my forehead in 2 places. The wounds are not gaping open so I used butterfly bandaides. My confession is that I started drinking beer on OCTOBER 31, 2009. It was a fr3dom.thing for me... not hiving the responsibilty of children. I have fallen 3 times in the last 6 months due to drinking. I am an alcoholic. I am so ashamed because of my family history. How am I to advice another? What Mindoro grandmother am I?

Sharyn ((((hugs)))) Do you wear support stockings? They might help your legs. Sounds like you are speaking up and it is paying off, Keep at it! Have a long hot bath to soak away the aches and pains.

cm - class or not I want the rings back!!! The worse I heard of was a dog who ate a large knife (handle first) used for cutting a chocolate birthday cake. The xrays showed it and they had to do surgery to retrieve the knife. The vet was more concerned about the chocolate than about the knife!

margeaux - wow, that is great When we change our behaviour, others change too. It is much better if other sibs could help out once in a while. These controllers play so many games.

Talked with the social worker this afternoon and clarified some things. Mother is saying she does not want any of us to know where she is. It is the dream of my lifetime lol. She does not know that I am doing things for her and she is not asking who is bringing things for her. That is fine. The SW was surprised that my sis has not contacted me to find out what is happening with mother. I am not. Sis's agenda is strictly for herself, and if she has nothing to gain then she is not interested. I don't think she has ever had any particular interest in mother's welfare, but rather what she could get out of mother in terms of material things or using mother to get at me. There has been lots of triangulation all my life and I am glad and relieved that triangulation isn't happening right now. Long may it last.

I do need to look for a new black turtleneck sweater for mother, or two and the sw suggested one pair of elastic waisted black pants - washable - and she will try to get her to wear them. Holt Renfrew had nothing like that on line. I will check some other places. The sw does not want me to bring dry cleanable clothing. Oh well, I can only do what I can do.

Feeling more relieved not having to contact people.

Going to buy deli chicken for supper.

Have a good evening and to something good for you

Joan- wow! The rings missing. I know with my dog, everything in her site that I use, is a target for her to take. Dogs have been known to swallow rocks and other things that result in surgery.

Margeaux -my sis did the same thing....turned to our nephews but they now turn her down. It is not quite the same but similar as my sis was expecting me to do all the grunt work which I could not do (most of it was beyond reality). The nephews have their own lives ..children activities,work, and a wifeto have a rek
lationship with.

Halleluyah! I spoke to my sister yesterday. She's taking mother to visit our youngest brother, he's the one who w/never have mom, alone w/our SIL, (in their home).
I know in part he just never thinks he has to offer to do something of the sort, because that is just the way he thinks, being the youngest hombre in our sibling line. So the other brother, "golden boy," yeah he has lots of problems, but at the very least I can say he once in a blue moon has had mom w/him, watching her.
So I guess because of my unnavailability lately, my sister asked our bro to take mom over the entire day Sun. Finally! I always have said this, when someone is only relying on one person for back up, and we can't do it......eventually they'll start or have to look elsewhere.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo, your dog swallowing a diamond ring - I have to say, that is class. All our stupid (albeit now late lamented) spaniel ever ate was hearing aid batteries and dishwasher detergent tablets.

I wish I could think of some brilliant technique for retrieving the jewellery, but I'm afraid...

Tomorrow my sis will sign final papers on the sale of my parents home.I guess it will go into escrow after that. Our real estate agent never got a report of the inspections, but they said they only get cop

ies if the buyer wants the seller to take care of any issues.

A co-worker had a 1 yr old son who has been very sick. A horrible rash from top to bottom with spiking fevers. The rash would develop into blisters that pop open and ooze. Not chicken pox. It is hand foot and mouth virus. I never heard of this before and she showed me pictures and I teared up. She has a 16 yearold son who now has it too.

I am off today and tomorrow I work at my old store. I b!(ced about the hours I was assigned last week which is something I normally would have sucked up. 28 hours with 5 hours of commute time a week. This week and next week I am getting more ...32-35 hours. Really gas is $4.00 a gallon?

The Dept at this work site is about 3x the size. I am doing much more walking from one end to the other to perform closing duties. They have gotten better about cooking more rotissarie chicken in the late afternoon so I don't have to continue cooking chickens until 8:30 as my schedule is I get off at 9:00pm. They frown on overtime as all stores do. At least they are working toward making the work they want from me feasible. Cleaning the hot case cannot be done until 8pm. This is all our fried food. Cleaning the hot case and the rotissarire oven at the same with their expections of cleanliness is impossible. The biggest problem at the store is customer service is lite, and management does want to have the personel or give the hours to perform to their expections.

All other stores have a bakery closer and a deli closer. This store has me doing some bakery duties such as packaging cookies,etc. This is where the extra walking comes in, bringing all the dirty dishes to the sink as everything is so far from point of origin. My point being...I hurt. So much today..my lower back just aches.., my knees hurt.


That is my vent today, LOL!

roxie - horrible situation -another controlling sis. Can you pull a switcheroo and haul her RV out and put your backs in? Margeaux is right about POA. It needs to be established. I hope you can work out something better that you have now.

glad - I have enduring POA financial - it is active, The medical one is supposed to be activated once mother is designated incompetent which has not happened. She is just below borderline and they don't want to take that step, yet they have told me she could be declared incompetent any time soon. She has been declared as being incompetent only to make medical decisions in her own interest, but not incompetent in general. This puts me in a difficult position. Theoretically and practically she is capable of letting people know where she is, I do not want to take over from her anything she wants to do herself. She may not want many to know where she is. The worst comes to worst I can see after her birthday if any flowers etc are delivered to her apartment and take them to the hospital. I have picked up her mail accumulated from February and there is nothing personal in it. I think I will get it redirected to my address as she does not deal well with business stuff anymore. These transition times are difficult.

Have a good day everyone.

wantingtime - am sorry your sis is so unappreciative

"well I am DPOA and I will spend the money to care for my mother...if I can save some for the funeral costs then yay but I am not going to 'save it' and let my mother suffer...NOR put myself into a bad financial situation."

Good for you to all of that. It is what you have to do. Sometimes we just have to get a thick skin with regard to our siblings. My sis wants mother's money too, and she will get her share when the time comes if there is any left, but she wants it all. Don't think that is going to happen. What mother has in $$$s should be spent now on the best care we can get for her. (((((hugs)))))

Roxie,

Welcome to the thread.
If I may politely ask, about what ages are your parents?
In your situation, it is going to be paramount as to who has DPOA, and MPOA.

I think it is completely unfair to you having been the daughter who's been looking out for both your parents, and then your husband being involved.......that other circumstances end up separating you from your own husband, first of all.
Although I realize that you want the best care for your father......the fact that your husband is doing this, should never make you the outsider.
Anyway, if you give us more information about your situation, possibly we could send you more advice.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

It is so strange that 3 rings have completely disappeared. G and I and J (dogs owner) have looked and we will look again tonight. I have moved furniture, checked down the sofa creases, swept under things...

margeaux - I HAVE to keep distance between me and my sister. Yes I feel like it is opening the door to more abuse from her. Gary suggests that mother can and probably already is communicating with sis, so to send a note to relatives in general who might want to send her flowers for her birthday, keeping it very short and only noting the change of address and that updates will follow if needed. I have no intentions of telling sis all about what has been happening. Mother can tell her what she wants her to know.

veronica - mother is capable herself of letting people know where she is and has asked for stamps, and can make local calls, and long distance if they get her a phone card. Or the sw can call my sis and have her call mother at the hospital. The sw did this for friends of mother's already.

I will talk with the social worker and get her views. I need to discuss the clothing, hot water washing and dry cleaning issues with her anyway. I can take mother more clothes as long as they promise not to wash them. I would think that dry cleaning would be arranged once on a while.

Emjo,

Wow! I do hope that you find those rings.
Yes, you certainly don't need this.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

thx looloo - this is about the last straw. Miss the Yiddish-isms. I lived in Montreal for a few years and there is a sizable Jewish population there, had a couple of jewish boy friends and colleagues, and was often thought to be jewish. I think it was dark blonde hair and brown eyes. I miss that culture.

Re your mum's comment - very familiar. Some of them are backhanded compliments. Whatever it is, whatever you do, it isn't quite good enough. I have had "Yes, Joanie is smart - maybe too smart." ???? Arranging to visit is always difficult as she wants to know EXACTLY what your plans are RIGHT AWAY, and you get phone calls until she gets her answer. Now, since her memory is worse, she has called me after I left the house leaving a message saying, "I guess you aren't coming", as she has the time and or date mixed up. BUT in her eyes she is never wrong, so, again, you have messed up, as it couldn't be her.

I like this current "no visitors" rule. Makes life easier, though it wont go on forever.

The dog has been relegated to the basement and is whining and yapping behind the door. I think I will spend the day in my room on the second floor. I have some sorting out to do up there anyway. Then I can't hear him. My blood pressure needs to come down.

Emjo,

I completely understand you wanting to maintain the distance between you and your sister. Do you feel a bit as if you send the email, this would be going against that? I do know this feeling, believe me. I think that the idea of a group email would be the best way for you to approach this. This way, everyone knows,
and hopefully you won't get any complaint's at least w/respect to knowledge of her move.

Hugs, hang in there,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Oh, geez, Emjo!

Aaaargh - had some old rings out showing G, left the boxes on the dining room table, and when I got up this morning stuff was scattered on the floor, and one set of 3 gold rings and box missing. Checked the dog and he was cuddled up on the sofa with the chewed ring box and no rings in sight. I have checked out the sofa and the floor and no rings so I guess he ate them. One had a good sized diamond in it. Guess his owner will be checking the dog's poop the next few days. My blood pressure is up!!! I don't need this.

Countrymouse, I cracked up at your joke! :). No kidding, I'd be speechless if my mother was ever sincerely pleased.

Looloo, it's like the cake joke -

"Would you like the chocolate cake or the lemon drizzle cake?"
"Ooo, yum, chocolate please."
"You don't like lemon drizzle?"

There's no pleasing some people. WHY isn't your mother just glad you're going to visit her for the whole day? If your mother is as much like some mothers I have known as she sounds, the answer is - because we'd all drop down in a dead faint if they ever actually just sounded pleased!

I just used "ask a question" on this site for first time. Something tells me it won't be my last. ;-) Thank goodness for AC! VA is driving me nuts today...

My sister came for her ONCE a week visit, immediately complaining that I am not 'doing anything' for mother as far as getting caretakers or nursing home arrangements made...like I am just sitting around on my thumb. I call DAILY looking for someone to stay with mother...but even if we find someone, it's going to cost something and my sister views my mother's money as 'hers' because 'she will be responsible for the funeral costs'...well I am DPOA and I will spend the money to care for my mother...if I can save some for the funeral costs then yay but I am not going to 'save it' and let my mother suffer...NOR put myself into a bad financial situation.

Just a quick 'kvetch' (if you know a little Yiddish, you understand!) -- called my mother for a very brief check-in, and to confirm my upcoming daylong visit next week. She sounded pleasant on the surface, but her comment "so you won't be coming the afternoon before then?", which seems benign, is actually code for "So, you won't be giving me what I want, which is for you to extend your visit by staying overnight." She is so terribly forgetful now, and yet, is still a champ at being impossible to please.

Reading and absorbing, I continue to be grateful for all of you sharing your experiences, giving me perspective on mine. There are doctor's appointments this week for dad, plus more coming as I try to get baseline for overall health, plus neurological and psychological evals. Plenty of time in between for me to put effort into juicing/exercise to regain strength and get immune system boost - assuming no drama-bombs drop unexpectedly… and that is assuming a lot in this caregiving life of mine, ha! Spring clean out needs to happen at this house (to put remediated basement back together) but I'm genuinely too scared to do it at this time based on getting sick so easily when I mess with dust here… so will do it down the road when I'm stronger and all windows are opened and dust mask is on. Reordered air purifier and can't wait for it to finally make it here. Trust continues to ignore me and my requests for help from them to do their part in keeping up house - since its Deed In Trust, and they are supposed to keep house in good working order… but they don't. SSDD. I'm reading everyone's posts, don't have much to contribute past week. But I send lots of hugs to all and best wishes for you, your lives, your challenges. Have a great Wednesday! :-) (((hugs)))

Emjo, you could have some 'new address' cards printed for your mother (or desk-top publish them at home) and send them out by good ol' snail-mail. It's only a mental trick, but if you're sending your sister a printed card, and any reply isn't instant, there's a kind of cordon sanitaire in your communication with her but you've still done your need-to-know duty.

Have just read the Medscape article and found it invaluable information for all caregivers not just hospice nurses. It describles so many of the relatives that caregivers have to deal with. Understanding why there behaviours are so difficult will help everyone to better understand the necessary boundaries. I will certainly be exploring the FOG article later in the day. Never was exposed to psychiatric education and want to learn more as i deal with mental illness at home. if you understand the reasons for certain behaviours it can take some of the personal hurt out of situations and greatly assist in setting boundaries

Emjo I think you have to take responsibility to let your family know Mum's current and new addresses.
Solution #2 would be my choice.
Do you plan to tell the family of your upcomming nuptuals?
If you do I would take this opportunity to tell them the news in general and mention that you don't plan to tell Mum about this news.
At the same time in as few words as possible let them know Mum's details.
If everyone knows each others email address I would send it CC otherwise send evil sis CC with the people who'se contact information she already knows.
I don't think it is fair to involve Gary at this time. This might fuel resentment against him however unfounded. He is not actually family yet although he is to you. Delicate!

Book,
I have also used the saline irrigation, this will clear me out when nothing else will, even if temporarily. Was a bit uncomfortable at first. I am very sensitive to antihistamines. I take the 4 hour dosage in the morning and I still have a difficult time sleeping at night.

Emjo- I understand what you are saying, a couple of very important differences in our situations, if your mother can communicate with others and has the addresses she would need to do that then let mom do it. In my case mom would never be able to communicate any sort of reliable information. Also, you have POA, I don't, so I had been at the mercy of what sis said on everything until guardian was appointed. Sister had made all the preparations to move mom. It was a very good thing it was a new facility and didn't open until January. Without guardian, my mom would have been moved against doctor's recommendation.

Do you have standing or springing POA, or is there no such designation in those north lands?

Emjo – antihistamines? No, I don’t recall trying those. I will put a note on my cell phone. If my body starts rejecting this current pill, I will then try the antihist. I try to limit the pills because eventually my body will start rejecting it. I’ve been taking one pill in the morning at work – hoping it would carry me through the whole day – if I can just avoid the cigarette smokers which is at all the exits to reach the restroom.

Emjo, to answer your question, I would do #2 – send a group email to the family. If you want, you can send all of their email address under “BCC” instead of “CC”. This way, each person sees only their email – and it looks less impersonal. Or, if you send as “CC”, everyone will see it as an impersonal update (and yet you will reveal everyone’s email address to everyone…which I detest. I once wrote a sender that I did not like people knowing my email address and that next time to please send mine under ‘BCC’. He apologized and since then, mine was sent as ‘BCC.’)

Buggasmom, thanks. I’ve copied and pasted your’s and your son’s advice to my Sinus/Allergy file. I’ll also check the website. I’ll also try the dryer sheets. I’ve never done the nasal irrigation. I finally got the neti pot. All I need now is to boil water. Most of the stores here on island don’t sell it. If I boil water, this yucky white froth comes out and clings to the side of the pot. Do I scoop out the froth first? Then use the water for the irrigation? Kind of scary. Maybe better if I keep looking for distilled water at the store.

Sharyn, I never used saline nasal sprays. Another good tip to try. I tried to imagine your sister as one of mine. I would do my best to mind my own business. But in the end, I would have caved in and told one of her daughters. So, I would have eventually done what you did when you told your niece about her mom.

Back to drinking the ACV with honey despite tingling of my lips. I'd rather drink that than keep taking the pills. This time I lowered the dosage to 2 TBS ACV and 1 TBS honey in 16oz water.

Roxie, did your father and mother give you POA (power of attorney) over them - financially and medically? It seems your sister is poised to move in once your father dies. It sounds like she will take over the house/land and mom. And when mom goes, all that possession will be hers. She will most likely persuade your mom to make her POA or the beneficiary of her Will. The things we read here on AC..makes one very cynical when it comes to siblings/relatives. I hope you and hubby have some back up plans. Sorry, sis will make it known far and wide how she and hubby took very good care of your parents. {{hugs}}

I have a controlling identical twin sister who hasn't had ANYTHING to do with anyone in our family for nearly 10 years, she unfortunately reappeared after learning that my father was diagnosed with terminal Glioblastoma Brain Cancer. My husband and I had moved an RV into my parents back yard and had been care taking for my father for about 3 months when my Evil Twin decided she wanted to move her travel trailer into the back yard, even though she works full-time for the Oregon Department of Human Resources and there wasn't enough room in the back yard for two RV's anyways, so her solution was to have a FALSE report of ELDER ABUSE filed against me with Adult Protective Services! The Elder Abuse charges were False and therefore went nowhere, so the following day my Evil twin called the local police department and made a bogus report against me. She was hoping to have me arrested! Needless to say, under the advice of the police I left for a few days to let the situation cool down and my sister used the opportunity to swoop in and move my RV to a vacant lot down the road from my parents and move her RV in ..... so now my husband's staying at my parents house, sleeping on the couch and care taking for my father by himself while my sister stays in her fancy RV doing absolutely NOTHING! I'm angry and frustrated! I believe my sister abused her position as an employee at DHS by filing a False Elder abuse report against me, among other things ....
My mother, who has lost about 40 lbs and is extremely vulnerable - she is after all losing her husband of 52 years - has always been more like my best friend than my mother, has completely been brain-washed by my Evil Twin or something because she no longer calls me or speaks to me, in fact the bizarre thing is that she almost acts resentful when my husband leaves my parents house for a few hours to come spend time with me, at the home that we share together. She doesn't seem to recognize, nor care, that because of what my sister has done that my husband and I are now living separately! It has been over a month since we've been living apart and it's taking it's toll on both of us ..... to make matters worse I have two other siblings who live in the same town but who have stopped speaking to me altogether, I'm assuming because they DON'T want to have to take on the responsibility of caring for my father and so if they just ignore the obvious injustice going on, then they won't have to step up and do the right thing! I want nothing more than to be caring for my father, but because of my dog and other circumstances, I'm unable to live inside my parents home. My husband is much stronger than myself and since my father has lost mobility of his legs, my parents depend on him a great deal, which is a blessing and at times a burden when you have NO ONE to relieve you for even one night! It has been over 4 months and my husband still hasn't had a night off! I think that's shameful, especially considering that my Evil twin and husband #3 have been living in the back yard for over a month .... you would have thought they could have at least learned how to help put my father to bed! Talk about DYSFUNCTION!