The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Interesting, sandwich They did not mention the genetic basis for some cases of BPD but other than that good article I could see it happening.

Lots of good stuff in the tool box!

Thanks!!!

Hello Personality Disorder Toolbox! Where have you been all my life?
This is from the Out of the FOG website. I may be making flashcards for myself tomorrow.

http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Toolbox.html#NonPDToolbox

I found this article very interesting: End of Life Care for the Patient with BPD.
It describes what end of life is like for BPD patients and a case study with a hospice nurse/psychiatric nurse team who provided the hospice care for an elderly lady (Sara) with BPD.

"... At Sara's funeral, her children remarked that the only special intimate relationship they ever saw her have was with her hospice nurse."

website: medscape/viewarticle/505595

glad - thanks - I did that up until my sister tried to move mother into a cheaper but unsuitable facility - with no consultation with me though I have POA - and then, after I told her I disagreed with the move, she accused me of having a vested interest in mother's demise. I have not communicated with her since that email from her, but have kept all emails.

I have communicated what has been happening recently to my kids, her son and her financial advisor, but not to her and my niece (they live together). What mother has told her I don't know. They had been in regular communication and still may be. I guess I could ask the social worker, as she would have to arrange for long distance calls, mail etc. for mother.

Mother is still quite capable of letting my sister know what is happening by letter or phone, so I so not feel the same pressure to do so. Apparently. mother is writing her psychiatrist at length letting her know her concerns. It puts me in a difficult situation as I am now wondering if it is my business to let people know where mother is when she is capable of letting them know herself. I did not know she could still write at length till I saw the psych last week. It surprised me. When she was using the computer her emails were getting pretty short.

Seems the simplest things become complicated!

Emjo,
I certainly understand the more distance between you and your sister the better. There are times, many times I wish I could do the same. But the way I handle it is let sisters know what is going on with mom whenever appropriate. Mom is receiving excellent care and it does not matter from whom. Mom is their mom too and while they cause me significant stress, I have to separate that from my feelings about those two. I do, however send a group e-mail to sisters, auntie dearest and mom's guardian. It is interesting that I rarely receive any sort of reply, and if I do, the guardian hasn't been included. Sisters and auntie dearest, are quite angry with guardian. They were certain that she would decide to move mom to a facility. They thought guardian may even make that decision based on family dysfunction while relieving sisters guilt. I am doing all I can to keep them informed, and must not change that. I have done that all along for almost three years now.

So, my suggestion, build the group, send the e-mail to all. I know it is a bit impersonal for sister, but that is what I do and makes it somehow easier. And another thought, you may need documentation of these communications at some point down the line, and replies may be helpful as well. Just do not delete anything.

brandy -missed your comment. So glad that you saw your mum and she is doing well. 200 miles is quite a bit. Mother - by her choice - is a bit further than that and I don't want to drive it any more, so it is bus or plane.

marg - not speaking with the dysf sib really helps doesn't it? Yes dam*ed if you do and dam*ed if you don't - familiar territory! It is so hard to disengage from the dysfunction. I think it is good to do your own thing.

thx Sharyn - the professionals who care for mother give me good feedback as do you all and that helps. I think somewhere inside herself mother knows I am doing a decent job. My sis is another matter. I do think you did the right thing re your sis by telling your niece. Dysf fams keep secrets which end up hurting people. I think your sis is not telling people because of her denial, and denial does not make for good solutions to problems. Yes, others need to know -

which brings me to my next problem

Mother's address after the end of May will no longer be the same, and, practically speaking, it isn't the same now. Mother's Day and her birthday are in May and I think family should know her current address at the hospital so they can communicate with her if they wish to, and also that the staff are not allowing visitors. .
This, of course, has to include my sister. I do not wish to open up communication with my sister, but know I need to pass on such information and also, when the time comes and mother moves, her new address. Now, mother has asked for stamps, so she will be writing some people and probably telling them where she is, but I have no idea who.

Here are some options I have thought of.

1) I could send an email to her daughter (my niece) and ask her to inform the family in Scotland.

2) I could make up a "family group" in my email and send the message to this group. It is a little less personal that including my sis's email address.

3) I could ask one of my kids if they would inform the Scottish family. My middle son has already said he does not want to be more involved and I respect that. My oldest son or my daughter might do it.

4) I could ask Gary to do it. My sis and clan are not aware of the recent developments with G and I, but will become so eventually and need to accept that he is a family member who will be helping me with mother's business at times.

What do you think??? The more distance between me and my sis the better.

brandy, glad to see you again. That's why you posted on the dysfunctional page.

I'm back, however, briefly. Mom still in the NH. I drove there recently and found out that it is 200 miles away, not 150 like I thought. Ugh. Who puts their mother so far away from them, like my relative did. Mom doing great.

I had a conversation earlier today with my sis's youngest daughter. She is the one of her 2 daughters that while dysfunctional, is the most less self centered. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut, but I told her what is going on with her mother's health, the CHF, the job situation,etc. I told her that I will not be able to take her mother and that her mother is in denial about her situation, her pride is an issue. My niece not aware of the CHF, I told her that is progressive and not death sentence tomorrow as it can be controlled diet and meds. Maybe I did the wrong thing telling her the truth...but others need to know what is going on. Feed back is welcome..Hugs to everyone!!

Margeaux~I totally get the d@mned if you do or d@amned if you don't. My sis tries hard at presenting this front that she is willing to compromise if my bro or I don't agree with her,...but I do know if push came to shove, she would pull her rank over us.

Joan I am happy you were not offended. You are doing such a great thing for your mother, unfortunately your mom and sis will never see that. We see it though and so do many others. Hugs to you for all you do for your mother.

I haven't spoken to my sister, in over a week. Ahhhhhhh! So nice and peaceful, not having to hear all her convoluted stories about who she's having disagreements with lately. That's always an ongoing event for her. She did call on Sal., and I let it go to voice mail. Then I received a call from my cousin. Apparently, my sister called her, (they've both been distanced from one another).
My cousin feels as I do in that she's grown tired of my sister trying to web her in,
to see if she'll be available to watch mom every now and again. This cousin also said, that in the conversation w/my sister......my sister was of course complaining about moi and my brothers, and how she has all the load of taking care of mother.
So, there you have it! She'll never ever give me at least some amount of credit,
"No," she just lumps me in w/my non-participant brother's, and that's that. So it's really a damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

I will be going to mother's probably tomorrow. I'm just going to show up over there,
not telling my sister of my plans as I have in the past.

Hope everyone's sinuses/allergies are calming down.
Just about everyone I know has been hit by this in some way.

Hugs to all!\
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

thanks marg and austin - I know I have to compromise to some extent to how he needs things. I am sure we will work it out. Thankfully my kids are very flexible and will fit in with whatever. We will see when we talk about it.

Sharyn - no offence at all. lol Mother's clothing may be one of the few things that can remain the same. The other thing will be having some of her furniture etc around. I think it is important too. We need to talk with the social worker about it.

Joan-i think it is important to keep somethings that ate important for parents. As difficult as they can be...they do need to háve some things so they feel more comfortable with everything else changing. I hope my poking fun regarding the hospital gown was not offensive.

Time to start speghetti sauce and work on a craft project for the reveal.

Joan I know the two of you can compromise about the wedding -for me it is so nice to be able to talk things through not like with the husband his way or know way. I know at our upcoming 55th HS reunion we will get questions about getting married but we will deal with it as it comes-most of our classmates who are still alive will be there from all over the US-we are lucky. because we live close to where we went to school. I did leave for college and for a while after and he was only away for the armed services.

Emjo,

I had a good laugh with those three posts. Oh, I misunderstood your post.
What on earth is so hard about getting someone a blanket in a hospital?
In any case, just wanted you to know that you can do the job.

Oh....wedding plans! It was not easy when I decided that we were going to keep it very simple. At first.....my husband was the one who got al in a fuss, because he does love events. Someone, really that I had recently met, offered her place, which is a ranch, out of our city. I don't know why this woman did this, honestly, I think she just became swept up in the moment upon hearing we were engaged. My husband of course had the idea of having a bigger wedding. I do know that he I guess felt some pressure from his circle. But, his crowd is rather large. My family isn't exactly a small one. When I had to start beating my brain about who I was going to have to leave off the invitation list, this got too much for me. The cost of what my husband was thinking about was also too much. Anyway, at some point I decided that we just couldn't invite anyone, this way it would eliminate, who got invited and who did not. Even then....his circle got all in a huff, assuming we'd had a huge wedding, and they weren't invited.

I hope you can get around all of this, because it can become rather sticky.
But your plans sound absolutely wonderful, and so long as you can keep it really along the lines of what you and G want, great!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Austin-the dream I had was so vivid. Being able to hug him in my dream was really amazing. I am happy you are not having bad dreams anymore. You are so happy with your new man and deserve it. I am happy for you.

glad - I'm sorry it didn't pay off for you. Is there an chance you could use it in future? Mine did pay off as it qualified me for an instructing position at the college here and I worked for over 25 years at it.
Mother had a couple of hip replacements and the help needed was only
temporary. I was working, and my sis backed out at the last minute for the first one, so a cousin's wife came, but mother was OK after a few weeks. The second time she went to rehab for a while then had home care. I would/could not go and stay that long with her. The stress would have been too much. She would have wanted me to stay and look after her for ever! Sounds like your mum needed help too from about then on. Life choices!!! Hindsight is 20/20.

Sharyn - I think it would be very hard for mother to change her style of dressing. At some point she may not have a choice, but we will work to keep things as they are for her as long as possible. At her ALF she had someone do her washing for her and she knows what can be washed and what can't. Her clothing is important to her and she is not flexible. This is more for their convenience as far as I can see.

Book-today our temps are high for spring so allergies are worse. I am very congested today too. I am allergic to seasonal grasses that only grow in spring and again in the fall. When my son was young, we had to get a plastic matress cover and pillow cover. It just zips up and you put the sheets over the cover. It helps with dust mites too. I keep saying I am going to get a cool mist humidifier to try at night but I havent done it yet. Using the saline nasal sprys helps soothe the sinus membranes keeping them moist and is not addicting like the others can be.

Joan-I can understand G saying let your mom wear what she likes. Silk would not hold up well but if you can arrange dry cleaning that would be great. My mom dresses more casual so it makes it easier, but I prefer that she have the choice over her clothes as long as she can. I think it is good for her to make what little decisions she is able to at present.

It is 9 am here which means it is 10am in Idaho. I will know the babies genders in about an hour,YaY!!

A shout out to Glad, Buggasmom, Margeaux, Phoenix, Countrymouse, Veroncia,Curie, and everyone else. Hope I didnt miss anyone. Have a good day.

Emjo-
I too just breathed a sigh of relief. Now I think I never should have spent the money, student loans and all because I had been laid off more than five years ago with a short 6 month stint with a company. That position was eliminated three weeks before I came here to help mom because her hubby had to have a hip replacement. When he was released from rehab he would not have been able to come home unless there was help here.

Quick stop to check on everyone~
News has me worried...prayers for those in path of tornado / storm cells.
I really do not like this time of year. Mother nature sure can be furious, storms do scare me. Hope everyone & your loved ones are safe.

Book ~ Hope you feel better soon. I read an article that may be of interest to you, it is about allergies. I hope I'm okay posting it here, others may wish to read it too.
website: webmd/vitamins-and-supplements/lifestyle-guide-11/allergies-allergy?page=1
I asked my son, he sends his best wishes & says he understands your pain. He said to tell you he still uses the nasal irrigation. Even though he had the shots, he said, his allergies still will kick up, just not nearly as bad.
He said make sure I tell you about dryer sheets (unscented). Place them in your pillow case, & hook them across your air vents. I guess they help catch the other pollens as well as dust mites. (I didn't know that. I use them for dust mites & they work.)

HUGS!!!!
Bugga'sMom

curie61 - do you have POA financial and medical for your mother? If not it would be a good thing to put into place asap. Then you can decide where is best for your mum, when she cannot decide for herself. Unfortunately in dysf fams it often becomes a battle between sibs and no one benefits from that. I have been going through the same. I have POA and my sis decided she would move mother to a facility with poorer service, but which was cheaper. I intervened and mother is now in hospital being assessed and will be placed where her needs are best served. I understand your frustration. I do not expect any help from my sis and hope for no obstacles. Can you get your mum's doc to back you up that she cannot live alone anymore?

glad - my congrats too. I know how much work it is I was pregnant with my third when I completed my masters. How narcissistic of your sis to be offended by not being invited to a party that didn't exist. Amazing! Never occurred to me to have a party. I just breathed a sigh of relief.

Sharyn - I already ought her a plush "throw" for her bed and gave it to the sw. Mother will not wear anything I buy for her.I am convinced of that. And even if she would, pants would have to be shortened. She is 5'2" or less now, She wears dress slacks - dry cleanable - all the time. G says let her be and wear what she wants and is used to. She is very careful and does not soil her clothing in any way. Things could be sent for dry cleaning once in a while. We can bring that up with the sw. I hope in her new facility such things can be arranged. This is the problem with her getting more care. They want to do the same with everyone to make it easier for them. She is already wearing her own clothing and just wants more outfits, but I am reluctant to take in more good stuff for fear they will ruin it by washing it. I don't trust that they won't wash things.

book - sorry about your allergies. I know they are a nuisance and worse. Glad the meds are working. I take antihistamines all the time. Have you tried them?

Margeaux - a small beach wedding sounds wonderful and is what I really would like - told G years ago - barefoot on the beach with only a few people. He just looked at me. His parents couldn't handle anything like that, so I will go for a honeymoon with a beach and a wedding in a more formal setting and as simple as possible. I am concerned with him having 4 brothers and all their families in the area, that it may turn into a bigger "do" than I would ideally like, but I cannot refuse to have his family there. My "family" will be my kids. His family will be his parents and bros. and likely not his kids, Dysf fams - aaaargh!!!! Wish you could do the alterations!!!! Thx for the offer anyway. :)

Lots to do here at home - car service, dental appointments, alterations, drs appointments for my BP. I figure at my age if I have to go on BP meds I shouldn't feel bad about it. The poor dog was so happy to see me yesterday when I got home, he was doing "circles". I took him out for a walk later in the evening but he is quite big and lunges, so either I will have to train him or leave the walk to someone else. He wants to run free!!! I let him play in the back for a while. The lads don't shut the gate so he headed for it right away but I had closed it. G said he came home one day last week and found the gate open and the dog out wandering.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you.

Thanks, Sharyn. Sinus pill worked a lot. Still stuffed but the headache is gone, neckache is gone (Salonpas worked). Now, I'm going to wind down before bedtime. Later..

Book-I hope ypu feel better soon. Take care of yourself.;

FYI, if the air is muggy, and you're sensitive to cigarette smoke and freshly mown grass, the natural remedy of apple cider vinegar, honey and water don't work at all. Today was bad. I'm now going thru full blow sinus/allergy.

I just remembered something today. After my first surgery, the hospital served apple juice. I haven't drank that since I was in elementary. I loved it. So, when I was released, I had sis buy a whole bunch of apple juice. After day 3, I was itching all over, and getting these big bumps on my thighs. I noticed that I would start scratching viciously after drinking the apple juice. Stopped drinking, it went away. Because I really do like apple juice, after months later, I tried drinking it again. Yes, after 2 days, I broke out again. That was the last time I drank the juice. I Can eat the fruit with no reaction - maybe because I only eat one apple and not several juices.

I have noticed that when I drink the apple cider vinegar mix, my torso starts heating up. I thought maybe I was going thru menopause. So, I googled ACV and heat. Yep, it does increase the body's temperature. It increases your metabolism, lowers your BP and cholesterol, etc...

I'm so miserable. It's only 825pm. I'm going to change dad's pamper early, shower in very hot water (unclog my stuffed face) and maybe sleep early. I've read all your posts with this pounding headache. It's mango season, typhoon season (several tropical depressions have gone by) and all that is working havoc on my sinus/allergy. Later...

Curie61~Prayers for you! We are here if you need support.
Phoenix03~agreed-boundaries and limits are needed. If you decide the item mom wants is not a vital necessity and will get it next time, don't worry if mom asks your brother to get it. It is not personal and really, she told you she didn't need it, and then went to brother for it...shows that she didn't want to bring it up to you after she already told you no. Let it go and set the boundaries to once a week or twice a month for running mom's errands that are not life threatening.
Joan~ I am wondering if it would be helpful to order the blankets, clothing online and have it sent to the facility your mom is living.Don't worry that it is not the quality she wants. Once she sees this is what she is going get, well, it is her choice to wear it or a hospital gown with her behind showing, ...(last part is for some laughs to reduce the stress)!!

Hang in there everyone, tomorrow is another day with new challenges, set the boundaries, Hugs!!

Good evening...Ha! Remember Alfred Hitchcock? I used to love that show!

Marqueaux,
Yes, my mom has calmed down some. Thank you for asking. Her blood pressure is a crazy thing. It goes "way" up & then drops "way" down - like a roller coaster. She gets those purple marks on her arms & hands, but I noticed they are starting to come on her face. I'm sure the beer she sneaks isn't helpful. She isn't suppose to eat leafy veggies, seeds, nuts are hard on her crones - she eats them all & a "ton" of greasy fried foods. Without her teeth.
I cooked her meals, got recipes from the Mayo Clinic, Living Well, etc. She threw them away. She does good as long as she takes her meds, eats, and doesn't drink beer. She only veers from that if she doesn't get her way. All her Dr.s (5 of them) say she should be doing okay right now medically, other than she needs a psy.

Austin,
I hope at some point my heart won't ache anymore. I get angry at myself for letting bad behaviors hurt, or embarrass me. I am sad you lost your mom. I know how my mom is, but I love her. I know at some point I will loose her; I will still miss her.

A day in the life of Bugga girl...still pacing. The dog is growling, so something is off outside. God Bless Thunder, he is a good dog. Bug cried today because of math. She has little long term memory. Most of what she learned in 1 Semester is gone. She is being tested on it this Friday.

Buggasmom,

About the "fear of offending," and transferring to others......well yes.
I think this happens because you aren't an offender, you're polite and the other people also. I'm sure you probably take into consideration her illnesses, and I do mean the narcissism here.

Yes, unfortunately there are the other kind of people, who probably fall into the same category such as your mom. People ought to have the sense and I think that people who are more aware would not behave like snobs, nor give the dirty looks, either.

We had an aunt, mom's sister who used to go off in front of people, too saying bizarre things. It's best to try to ignore them as much as possible. I think they'd like a reaction out of us.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

thx Veronica. You may be right. I bought a plush throw that wasn't expensive and looked like it might survive high temp wash and dry. It can be her b'day present (May). I know there is no pleasing her.They wanted me to find 5-7 outfits for mother, from her closet, which would survive hot wash and dry. She hardly had one, which I took to them with the throw. No point I buying anything, as she wouldn't wear it. Yes, we need some TLC - that was my point. G went to her old apartment with me and said he would do the packing up and moving. All he needs is one other guy to help. He asked for mother's scooter when she doesn't need it any more to give to his parents who will need one soon. Done! We will move all her stuff to a heated storage unit. When they find a placement for her, we (G) will move the furniture she needs there and dispose of the rest. He said an estate sale/auction is a good idea and knows how to arrange that. We can bring down some things from here e.g. excess fine china to sell at the same time. G also wants to go to the next meeting with me to set them straight on a few things - like not to arrange anything that costs money without my approval. They had the hearing aide person come twice because mother forgot she came the first time and raised a fuss!!! They did not OK the second visit with me. My solution would be to deal with mother, but not bring the person out twice. G is a blessing with regard to the move. We need to set a date for us, and work around that. Priorities!!!