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My guess is that they have plenty of blankets but mother is insisting she needs her own.
Emjo you and I are of the age where we need some TLC and can not continue to give to others all the time.
As far as boundaries are concerned you have learnt to set yours so it's up to you whether you send a blanket or not. It won't be right whatever you do.
concentrate on the wedding and keeping fit for that.
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Oh dear, post in triplicate. Better take a break and let the computer cool off or whatever.

one point - phoenix - I agree with what everyone said - my mother does the same. It is narcissism where they want your life to revolve around theirs. They will drive you nuts asking for this and that, changing their minds, playing one off against the other. You have to establish limits as suggested above, and detach emotionally. Don't get sucked into the FOG - manipulation by fear, obligation and guilt. ((((((hugs)))))
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margeaux - don't think they were implying I could not do the job. I was the one that made the point that that others my age were being helped, so that they would not assume that I could do this and that and the other. They asked for another cover for mother's bed as she was cold at night. It is a hospital, not an ALF or a nursing home. I find it very hard to believe that they do not have more blankets there, but they wanted me to get one. Doesn't make sense to me, nor the long period of diagnosis, as you mention. Gary couldn't believe that they would keep her another 6 months. The psych doc said she wanted to get to know mother better. The diagnosis is clear - BPD, paranoia and some vascular dementia. I think she, the p doc, is trying to develop a "therapeutic relationship" with mother. I don't think any of mother's conditions or the short time she will be there will allow for that to any useful degree. They will try another meds, but I can tell you that mother will not take it, or not for long once she senses that it affects her mood. Mother will use her and the social worker if they do not establish boundaries. Once mother is moved, she will have the staff where she lives who can work wiand the community health team again and, I hope, the same community health psychiatrist. She was very good.
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margeaux - don't think they were implying I could not do the job. I was the one that made the point that that others my age were being helped, so that they would not assume that I could do this and that and the other. They asked for another cover for mother's bed as she was cold at night. It is a hospital, not an ALF or a nursing home. I find it very hard to believe that they do not have more blankets there, but they wanted me to get one. Doesn't make sense to me, nor the long period of diagnosis, as you mention. Gary couldn't believe that they would keep her another 6 months. The psych doc said she wanted to get to know mother better. The diagnosis is clear - BPD, paranoia and some vascular dementia. I think she, the p doc, is trying to develop a "therapeutic relationship" with mother. I don't think any of mother's conditions or the short time she will be there will allow for that to any useful degree. They will tryanother meds, but I can tell you Mother will use her and the social worker if they do not establish boundaries. Once mother is moved, she will have the staff where she lives and the community health team again and, I hope, the same community health psychiatrist. She was very good.
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margeaux - don't think they were implying I could not do the job. I was the one that made the point that that others my age were being helped, so that they would not assume that I could do this and that and the other. They asked for another cover for mother's bed as she was cold at night. It is a hospital, not an ALF or a nursing home. . I find it very hard to believe that they do not have more blankets there, but they wanted me to get one. Doesn't make sense to me, not the long period of diagnosis as you mention. Gary couldn't believe that they would keep her another 6 months. The psych doc said she wanted to get to know mother better. The diagnosis is clear - BPD, paranoia and some vascular dementia. I thin she is trying to develop a "theraoeut
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Phoenix, I agree with Glad and Austin about setting particular times when you run errands for your mother and telling her that's when you're bringing in any little bits of shopping or things that she wants. But, as Austin pointed out too, the important thing to remember to stop guilt creeping up on you is that NOTHING bad will happen to your mother if she hasn't got her small address book, or a particular vanity case, or whatever. It'll wait. She'll be fine.

My aunt always used to tell my grandmother to get lost (when she needed to) cheerfully and light-heartedly. Which meant she never got pushed into doing anything that didn't suit her, but my grandmother never gave her a hard time about it either. So: "did you bring my purse?" "Not today, no, you'll have to soldier on 'til next time."

It's always struck me - for those who can pull it off - as the ideal happy medium between getting run ragged and resenting it on the one hand, and being too hard on a perhaps forgetful or anxious older person on the other. My other aunt used to say no too, but she was never quite so nice about it. Whereas my mother couldn't have said no to her mother to save her life, and avoided her as much as possible - which wasn't ideal either.

Say "no" nicely. I think that's the moral?
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Margeaux, and thank you for the congrats!
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Margeaux,
Thank you. Yes same thing, no wedding party, no graduation party, no housewarming party and all the narcissists think they have been intentionally left out when there is nothing to get upset about. And keeping up with the Jones, interesting thought, maybe sis is trying to set an expectation on how all parties should be? Who the heck knows, she always had to be better than everyone else, and made sure they knew it.
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Phoenix, Austin's idea is a good one. But make sure mom has paper and pencil to make out a list! Tell her what day you will stop by there and to have the list complete when you are going. With my mom this would happen because of Alzheimer's. She wouldn't remember she was to be making a list. She would not know what she needed. Probably the only thing she would worry about is that darn purse which I hear about 20 times a day. Did I leave it somewhere? Have I lost it? Where is my purse? She hasn't carried it in seven years because early in the disease she was afraid she would leave it somewhere. Strange how those brains work, or don't
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Shary that sounds like a nice dream-I never have good ones but after 5 yrs. the nightmares have stopped but that is probably because I am so happy with my sweet guy now.
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It is good to thank God every day-it is he who gets us through each day-and without killing those we care for-tha t should say without us killing them-I was in the black hole often and you guys and God got me out-he sends good people to AC..
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Buggasmom,

Oh.....I didn't see the post to Austin,
O.K., w/dock in later, as I've some things hanging in the wings over here.....
chores.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Bugasmom,

No problem. I gather several people maybe didn't understand by their posts.
I'm glad I got you thinking, and that's what's exciting about coming here.
We all come from different backgrounds. So it would make sense that we see things differently, so that can be refreshing. How's your daughter?
How's your mom doing, I hope she's calmed down some.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Bug I had a light bulb moment with my mom the last vacation we took with her-I had told her that if anything bothered her in the motel room-tell me and I will fix it-well I had the ac on and she went ballistic about that as usual and I just turned it down and said to myself-she does not hurt me with her verbal abuse I do not deserve her treatment when all I and others do to accommodate her wants and needs and from now on she will lose her power to hurt-it feels like when I was a kid and she beat me-and now she will not have her power to hurt me anymore-she can yell till the cows come home and I will not care-she got sick on that trip and died soon after.
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Hi Everyone,
Marqeaux ~ I'm sorry, I misunderstood your post about your husband's words. I understand now after reading your last post. I don’t know what I would do/feel in your shoes, but I like how you express yourself. Your posts get me thinking from a different perspective.
Austin ~ It is hard to know when to step up or how to step up in the right way. Especially in public. I feel I look like a jerk. My mom shouts things like, "I'm old! Don't be mean to me!" Out of the clear blue, leaving me dumb-founded. (This is mild, I had a lot more, but it was long.) When I start, it takes over the day. I am tired; misery loves company. I find my "fear of offending" transfers to other people in various situations. Yet, people don't seem to care to if they are rude or hurtful. I get snotty remarks, & dirty looks all the time over my mom’s antics. Any suggestions is most appreciated.

I really liked the article on communication. Helpful every day in many ways!

Have a Great Day & good lunch!
Good news! My boy is coming home in June!!!!!
Bugga's Mom
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My family is also dysfunctional. At this time, though, I am taking care of mom and she is a blessing. My sibs are anther story. Mom was sick several times this winter and ended up getting run down. When I took her to the dr this last time she ended up in the emergency room, observation overnight, then to a skilled nursng home for rehabilitation. My sibs blame me. They somehow don't think I was caring for her--and I am a nurse! When I would ask for help my sibs and nieces ( they are in their mid to late 20s) no one seemed to have time. The last time I asked for help my sister said she would come the didn't do it and mom was really sick. They didn't seem to understand that she was sick and needed help. She is 85 and we get along well but how is it my fault when I have to work and can't get them to help me? I am so frustrated. Now they want her to live by herself without me. She isn't really capable of doing that. My sister wanted mom to move in with her but she has steep stairs that mom can't negotiate. Mom came up with a plan that we would get two separate apartments but next door to each other. I just don't think she is capable of being by herself. I don't know what to do. I just might have a "come to Jesus" talk with them meaning I will point out how ridiculous the reality is of what they want to do. In the mean time, mom and I are looking for another place to accommodate her needs. I am old eough to move with her to a senior tiered community. I am thankful I can sound off here since there is no where I can do that safely and keep my temper! Please pray for me. Thanks.
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Once again I am not getting posts from AC members in my email
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Thanks Austin, good idea.
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Phonix that is the time to employ detachment and learn to say no set up a schedule that works for you like going to her house say for example once every other week and it is her responsibility to let you know what she needs and stick to doing it your way-the husband learned before he passed that I grew a backbone and the nastier he got the less I did for him and the sky did not fall and his behavior improved
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Constantnurse,

This pastor does sound very insensitive, and definitely someone who hasn't been there and done that. You may want to find some other place to get real support for what you are going though, such as a group of caregivers who have the opportunity to share face to face in your community.

I hope you can figure out what is going on with your sink.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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My mother fell and ended up in the hospital and rehab twice in two years. She was in rehab for several months each time. The entire time she was there, she constantly expected me to run trivial errands for her. Go to her house and pick up a few small items. Shortly after I did one errand, she'd come up with other small items she needed from her house, that I had to pick up. A couple of articles of clothing or a few papers at a time. It was like Chinese water torture. She needed me to pick up her small address book. I pointed out that she already had her big address book in her room at rehab. No, she needed the small one too. It's a two hour round trip drive and half a tank of gas for me to go to her house each time.

She'd ask me to go to her house and get something only a couple of days after one sibling had already been there picking up something else. I asked her why didn't she have him get these things when he was already there. "I didn't think of it." And she'd also say "your sister wants you to go to my house and pick up this thing, she can't do it, she's busy", then, " your sister wants you to go to my post office and pick up my mail she can't do it, she's busy." So I was taking orders from my sister too. (my sister lives halfway between me and our mother's house)

A couple of days before Christmas, she asked me to go to her house and pick up a few small items, that she "needed". My brother had been to her house picking up some things a couple of days earlier, why didn't she have him get the other things too while he was there: "I didn't think of it." I didn't do it the day she asked, so she spent Christmas week asking, are you going to my house and pick up my things? She told me my other brother went to see her, I said why didn't you have him stop at the house and pick up these things since he had to come that way anyway. Again, she didn't think of it. I went to her house to pick up the things the following week. One of the small items was in her purse. I said I'd bring the purse itself, she said no, don't bring the purse, she doesn't want it, there isn't anything else in the purse, she just wanted that one small item. So I didn't bring the purse. A couple of days later my brother told me that she asked him to go to her house and get her this purse. The same empty purse I said I would get for her only a couple of days earlier when I was there, that she insisted she didn't want.

Has anyone else experienced this? What is this? I feel like a performing monkey for her. It has brought me to tears sometimes.
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Glad,

I'm very happy to hear that you got this time away.
But I am sorry that your calm got disrupted w/the phone calls from your mom's husband and everything going on there.

Wow! Your sister just doesn't let up does she?
What you wrote about she assuming you'd had a party when you graduated,
well something like this happened in regards to what I wrote to Emjo, about people in my husband's circle assuming we'd had a wedding......and they not being invited to it. HAAH! Well at the center of your sister's ideas, that she wasn't being invited to something, and even these nutty people (friends of my husband), at the center of it is THEM. It's not, "Congrats, to you that you graduated, and how hard you worked on your Master's." It wasn't that for my husband and me, that we were married. Boohoo, we didn't provide a party for these people. In my case we didn't provide a party for them to gossip about, because truth be told, that's what they're all about. They compete w/the Jones, and I just don't participate in any of that. That's telling that your kids didn't attend her son's graduation.

I hope for your sake that your mom is exhausted when you come home, that way you can rest.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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wow,
I just found time to read all of your very helpful responses. I actually did tell my pastor that I was hurt by his comments. and that I don't feel I have a church family.
I am thankful that I have a group of people who are walking the same path that I am and understand the struggles.
Mom was not badly injured in the accident, but she had multiple myeloma a couple of years ago and has never come all the way back mentally.
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Bugg I was thinking of chicken little when I say the sky did not fall-that story made such an impression on me as a young child and after I started standing up to my husband letting him know it was not all right to treat me badly I said to myself the sky did not fall so I can continue making sure no one treats me badly anymore .
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bunnyrabbit – I agree about trying to seek therapy with a pastor or religious leader or spiritual friend. It tends to aim more towards it’s in the past, pray to God to forgive them, etc….I needed to go see a therapist who will help me and tell me like it is.

This is embarrassing. My dad marvels how fast I fall asleep every night. He says that I just lie down, and then I’m sleeping. Bugga, I, too, find that reading in bed knocks me out. BUT, if I was to read my regular books, I get so carried away with the story, that I do Not want to sleep. I think last week, I was reading up to 2am. I needed to get up at 630am to go to work. My “sleeping pill” to fall asleep instantly is …. to turn on the Kindle and read here on AC! If I wake up at 4am, I turn on the Kindle, hit news feed, and just reading one or 2 paragraphs, and I’m knocked out.

Our tastes in books differ so much. I would love to read Dean Koontz but I find it too scary and violent. Then I’m scared of my shadow for a week. And I get nightmares. I read the more lighthearted books like Ilona Andrews, Patricia Briggs, Annette Blair, Stephanie Bond, Chloe Neill, Madelyn Alt, Juliet Blackwell. I don’t read romance unless it’s humorous or has some supernatural in it.

Glad, I guess your sister is thinking everyone’s like her – have a party for every stepping stone completed.
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Dave~I am confused by your post to me. My situation was a female coworker not listening to me....not a "he" with options I had to set straight. Maybe you could explain your post to me so I understand better what you meant.
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Today was a good day. Mother watch a movie and shh'd me away. She didn't yell about anything. I read, wrote out my bills. stopped in here, and thanked God.
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Interesting info from son today regarding counselor sister. She was hurt because she thought I told him to not invite her to his housewarming party. Guess what, she was also hurt when I didn't invite her to my party when I completed my master's two years ago. And I bet she never thought that maybe there wasn't a party! Well there wasn't in either case and not a single card from anybody. Did I care? NO, not in the least. What a buffoon, getting upset over her own assumptions that have absolutely no basis in reality. Oh and also hurt because my kids were invited to her son's graduation and did not go. There goes that narcissism again, and again, and again....
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Allergies: I took some Sebadill, a homeopathic remedy that I bought at a health store for my allergies and it worked like a charm!
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Hi Everyone,
Sorry to hear about allergies giving some of you grief. Sometimes a little rain fall is good, maybe it will wash away some of the pollen.

Co-workers can be total grumble-dorfs. There's gotta be at least 1 bad apple in the bag. The good apples make the difference.

I don't think people can truly understand unless they have lived it themselves.
I found no one believes my mom can turn like a mad dog. Then there are those people who tend to believe everything they research explains it all. Boy howdy that's not so. Everyone is different, I would think that would be true of Alz. patients symptoms &/or behaviors too, as it is in other disorders/diseases.
All patients are different.

Book lovers unite! I don't sleep if I don't have a "something" to read. Anything will do, TV Guide, or an Archie comic out of desperation. Now I can download books on my tablet from the local library anytime. I even like audio books. I like anything except romance. Right now reading another Dean Koontz. I read Temple Grandin, and Tom Sullivan's books are good too. Clive Barker is one of my favorites, he is also an artist. The last series I read was the "Hunger Games" series, and John Saul's "The Blackstone Chronicles." I read to Bugga all of the time. She just finished "Old Yeller," & "Island of the Blue Dolphins." She is reading off the MENSA reading list.

DaveIFM ~ Hi, & thanks for sharing the article to read in your post. Am heading over to read it...

Had a question to ask, but put of time. I want to read that article while I can. Early to rise & all...

Hope to all, the sun shines on you tomorrow and warms your day.
Hope my phone doesn't ring tomorrow.
Hugs 2 U All!
Bugga's Mom
Bugga's mom
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