The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi bunnyrabbit. Yeah, I come from what someone here called dysfunction junction.
It helps me to meditate, step back, observe, and try to see the Divine stage: what roles will I play today? How will I handle this script? What are the potential paths for MY spiritual growth here (not changing anyone else)? I am determined to find the hidden blessings in all moments. I am determined to step back and see the humor. I chant all day long, "God is rooting for me. He is blessing me." When I am angry with the elder parent: I think, "Lord, I am having trouble accepting this. I can stand up for myself, I can kindly make boundaries, I can offer help, but YOU are the doer. Let YOU speak more through me. Take my pain away. It doesn't belong to me.

We all must find our way through the dysfunctional jungle to emerge out of it with love and compassion. But I had to take a plastic bat to my couch, rant and rave in private, and here first! It is getting better. I see my mother's mental problems and realize they don't have to be mine anymore.

I've sought help through many therapists over 30 years because I find that the church doesn't address well the issues of abuse and dysfunction. Issues like this call for a different perspective which I find pastors have no experience of training in unless they have lived it and have gone through a process of inner healing themselves. Art therapy has transformed my life. I am now starting a new program called Acceptance, Commitment Therapy which emphasizes living in the present moment and being an observer rather than taking on our negative feelings. All of this helps so much in dealing with the family war that is going on currently regarding my 95 year old mother's estate planning where my brother wants total control and my mother is giving him what he wants regardless of her financial planner's advice. It's good for his ego, she says. This moment, this breath, this moment, this breath...today is all I have. I need to be here now. Blessings, Sharron

Veronica,

No, to the first part. "May no negative/energies visit my home, and may peace prevail." He just doesn't have good listening skills, whatsoever. My husband has a big ego too, he's a fire sign. Then once he has an opinion, he feels like he has to advertise it. He doesn't understand the concept of, "silence is golden." Especially when only understands something in a very superficial way.

Thank you,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie You just had to put him in his place about his opinions.:( Really ?

Book,

Yes it could be denial.....however in his case it's a real lack of awareness.
No...I really don't think that he has an issue w/my going there to help my sister.
Even if he doesn't know all the webbing my sis does to me (I don't tell him details),
but he's encouraged me to go see mother, regardless. His mother died years ago,
so he does have that awareness. So that's a good thing!

About the part about.......according to you, he thinks I may get it.
There's a saying in one of the languages he speaks, which translates to "May no negativity/energies visit my home, and may peace prevail." So that's what I think of that.

Thanks for your input,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

How exciting a wedding. The way you want your's is very good. I'm all about keeping it simple. When my husband and me took vows we didn't have a big anything. We had one of our personal friends who could perform it, and just did it one Friday afternoon on the beach at Sunset. We only had two other people there who would serve as witnesses, and that was that. It sure caused an uproar w/some of husband's friends. They behaved and became offended, when my husband sent them some pictures of us. But these so called friends of his, some are actually acquaintances. The really used the fact that we didn't spend $$ on a big wedding, as a comparison, of the show and tell they like to do about occassions. They like to think they're rich, and all of that. My friends, and family didn't have an issue w/it whatsoever. Besides, I'm w/you, a wedding should be as intimate as possible. Many times I think people end up inappropriately inviting too many people that shouldn't even be there anyway.

Oh, If I lived out your way, I could do those alterations for you.

Congratulations!
Hugs, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

DaveIFM,

Thank you so much for you post.
I'm definitely going to read this article.
I go through this constantly, with some of the people I have to deal with
constantly. Yes, many people just do not have any listening skills, whatsoever.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

You hit the nail on the head about our husbands.
My husband doesn't want to hear anything bad, and actually in his case.....he was a favored child in his own family. He had a stay at home mother, when he was a kid. I was the little mommy in my family, so he doesn't have a clue on that front either. Then in my husband's case.....he just doesn't really know enough about ALZ, the caregiving. This is why I come here, w/like minds and spirits.
But usually, I don't just come out and respond to him in this way......but that day my nerves were a bit on edge, and I just had to put him in his place about his opinions.
I had a conversation w/him last night along those lines. He can get assuming at times thinking that because I live w/him....I think like he does, or react to issues in the same way he does. Last night I politely explained to him, that, "No." I mean we are married, but we're not siamese twins, my darling. But much of this for me,
stirs up invalidation of my own feelings......something I'm very familiar with from my own parents.

Thank you so much for understanding,
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

WOW! Now am I understanding correctly? Are these ALF's supposed to be doing some of the things they're trying to make you feel that this is your responsibility?
Like passing the buck? How wonderful this person that told you that there are people your age in the ALF. I'd say that by saying something like this, they're basically implying that you're not up for the job. A job THEY should be doing.
You hear this a lot, of NH's, ALf's falling way below the standard of care.

Honestly.....it's like your between a brick wall also, since it appears that they are dragging their feet having your mother go through long periods of diagnosis,
and really beating around the bush w/the fact that she does need to have some attention paid to some workable medications. Needless to say.....there's a lot of lack of cooperation going on here.

Hugs,
You're in my thoughts! Margeaux

The complaining co-worker does not listen to me. That is what ticked me off as she would interrupt me and complain to the manager. I work around the complaining and I will let her know when she isnt listening.

I think the psychiatrist suffers from that mode of communication. I may try reflecting back to her and/or asking her if she understood what I said Thanks, Dave.

Dave, I do that all the time about not really listening because I'm too busy trying to formulate an answer. I don't think fast. That's good advice. Difficult to do because if I'm not formulating an answer, I'm busy "assuming" I know what the person is going to say. I tend to confuse people when I respond back to them.

A article “Learning How to Communicate with Someone Living with
Alzheimer's”{by Bob DeMarco at 10/21/2012 12:13:00 AM} got me
to think about my conversation skills.

I read so many posts in discussions where folks are having problems
with families not communicating with each other.

I am trying to make myself validate the person words and reply, “If I
understand you correctly, (and repeat my statement and ask is that
right)?”

Words of wisdom paraphrased on Retirees NewsBasket blog.is a model I
am trying to work this in to my own speaking habits.

While the other person is talkin Do not formulate your answer while
the other person is talking.

People who don't listen decide how they are going to respond before
you even stop talking. Don't be afraid to pause for five or ten
seconds to consider the what the person is saying

Doing so demonstrates that you listened carefully and that you are
giving them the courtesy of a thoughtful reply. If you actually give a
thoughtful reply, no one will remember that it took you nine seconds
to start talking

Validate what the person is saying before you answer

Try not to make the mistake of taking five minutes of a {person's} time
answering a something s/he did not say. First, paraphrase the point by
validating.

Allow the other person to clarify what they are saying.

Try to start your answer when you are 100% certain you understand what
the person is saying.

thx book - yes, the new psych has her own agenda and seems to want to jump through hoops. She and the sw were the same. The previous two psychiatrists were not like that. Mother's problems do have family repercussions. Re your hair - time to bring out the dye bottle I guess, or are you still thinking about wigs. Thx about the wedding too. I can't let mother's issues dominate my life, as her narcissism dictates.

Sharyn - sorry abut the work issues. I hope you get back to your old store. That dream was quite something. I used to have a lot of dreams about houses. Your sis really is in denial about her situation!!!

glad - too bad you had so many interruptions on your break (((((hugs)))))

having brunch with G this morning - when he can tear himself away from the horses. Oh well - keeps him fit and healthy. Didn't take pics of mother's place yesterday, as I was tired, so will try to do it today. I did have some sadness when I went there. The way of life she has lived for years is over She cannot cope with it any more. I am glad she is going into a mental health facility -she needs it, but sad that it has to be, Even having to have washable clothing as opposed to dry cleanable is quite a change. She loves her silk blouses and pure wool sweaters.

I am still not over that flare up - have some sweating at night which is a sure sign. Probably should go back on the pills. I will check with the specialist. Better try to get a bit more sleep.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you.

buggasmom, a few weeks ago, I finished the latest books on some of my favorite vampire series (no, not into the dark ones.) For the past week, I've been reading the latest books on a supernatural ghostbuster series. I'm not crazy about the series but since I started on book 1, I feel obligated to read it to the end of the series. On book 4, I wrote a note to stop buying the series. But being OCD, I still bought books 5 and 6. Since I spent $$, I forced myself to read book 5. Oh! I finally like a book on that series! Anyway, I'm now on book 6. Hope it meets up to par with book 5 and Not like book 1-4 which disappointed me. After I'm done with this series, I will read the latest on a psychic detective book (#9 to 11.) I'm soooo behind with my books. When I found this site 2 years ago, I put aside my books and came here - vented, vented, vented. This site was my lifesaver. Now, I can relax a bit and go back to reading my books. I'm glad to meet another book reader. Gladimhere and Countrymouse are also a book readers.

Emjo – sometimes with medical/psychological professionals, they think they know best since they got a certificate on it. They may have heard you but it’s not applicable to the situation. Their number one priority is your mother. I guess they will need to jump through the hoops with your mother – and let’s hope they catch on that she’s pulling a fast one on them. Otherwise, your mother wins – and gets what she wants.
::: As I was growing, my red hair turned brown and then dark brown. Now, at my age, it’s changing colors again. This time to gray.
::: It’s so nice to read about your upcoming wedding. I was trying to visualize it in my head. I like to read some good news here on AC.

Austin – too bad about SIL. I like your brainstorming ideas on how to see your brother. I hope you succeed.

Glad – yay! You got time off. And to be able to spend it with your children and grands. Too bad you just had a stressed out night.

Sharyn,I don't know which is which. But, I'd be careful also around your Dept manager. About your dream, don't you hate it when it's so real, and then to wake up and realize it was just dream? {{Hugs}}

Constant, would it be bad of me if I pray really hard that Karma visits your pastor? I think he needs to learn humility and what it’s like to be one of the “downtrodden” that Jesus sympathized and comforted. Yet, the Pharisees and Sadducees did not. If he had said that to me, I would have felt whipped and ashamed. But in the privacy of my home, what popped in my head was the example of Jesus on earth helping all these “poor” people which the religious ignored. Jesus encouraged his followers that faith without works (action) is dead. Your pastor knows that you need help. Instead of shaming you, he should have tried to find a way to encourage you. Example, “So and so has experienced something to similar with her parent, let me see if she is willing to meet with you and share notes, tips, etc….” Or, “There’s an event coming up, let me see if we can find a volunteer to be with your mom so that you can attend and de-stress.” Is he the only pastor that you must deal with? Or because you started with him, you or the church won’t want to change pastors because it might cause strife from within?

With my example, my religion doesn’t believe we should seek therapy. This was told to me over and over when I was about age 23. That was about 25 years ago. If we need help, then we seek it from within. 2 years ago, I became seriously suicidal. I came on here asking for help. At the same time, I spoke to my caseworker about my suicidal thoughts. She helped me to find a therapist. I did not tell my spiritual this at all for over a year. My conscience bothered me and I finally told him. Oh, he frowned. And I knew that even now, 24 years later, my religion still was against this. I got angry and told him everything – what I wanted to do. He realized how bad it got. But… A year later, as in this year, on one of his visit, he finally told me that if I still need to seek therapy outside of our religion, then it’s okay. It’s still frowned upon, but it’s okay if I must.

YOU know where you are at with life, the stress and your mom. If you need a better source of therapy than what your pastor is providing, then you are at a crossroad. Just as I had to make that decision. You do what you need to do. If you cannot find it with your religion, then it’s time to seek outside help.

Because my mom's dog is prone to yeast infections on the skin around her private area..I did some research about probiotics for dogs. Sure enough, it helps with yeast infections for dogs and the people version helps women as well. I am going to a probiotic from petsmart to see if it helps prevent her infections. May do more research to see if it helps with UTI'S.

My earlier rant regarding work got worked out but it left me wondering about my new Dept manager such as is she an over reactor by running to my co-worker like she did, a stirrer of the pot, or was she trying to let my co-worker know that she needs to not flip out without pissimg others off?

When my dad was in a NH, he got to the stage where he sat and slept most of the time. During one of my visits, he would not wake up after 20-30 minutes of trying to get a response out of him, I leaned over gave him a kiss and said "Dad, I am going to leave now, I will be back in a couple days". As I walked away from my dad, he said,"Don't. go!" I was so touched by his reaction. I.sat down immediately and we talked for about 20 minutes before he started withdrawing into sleep again.

Last night I had a dream about my parents house. Both my parents were there and both had Alz. This dream house had an attic that I snuck into. My parents were there...laughing saying we knew you find your way in here. As I looked around the attic, I saw everything my parents ever had over the years of growing up in this house. I started weeping and my dad held my in his arms and we seeped together. Very significant dream

Glad- sorry you are having a stressful night. Take care and rest.

It's been a stressful night. That response should have been to Sharyn, but then what am I thinking, it is really to all of you. My good friend's that understand how difficult this job is.

Thank you!

Margeaux, my mom is gone as well. Sisters have a very difficult time with that.

It has been an absolutely crazy night! First mom's hubby called to tell me he was going to send the caregiver home. Why? Because mom was mad at him for not making her leave. Wrong thing to do, mom is a lot stronger than he is. Told him do not do that, he didn't but then it was followed up by three or four phone calls from mom, that he had to help her with because she cannot use the phone any more. Then he tried to explain to mom (wrong thing to do) that the caregiver was there to help her. Naturally, she thinks she is perfectly fine and doesn't need her help. Boy oh boy, is she angry with me. She tells me THIS IS MY HOME, DON'T YOU EVER DO THIS AGAIN, and on and on. She usually goes to bed about 6:30, caregiver says the voices in the bedroom finally stopped about 9. Mom will be exhausted tomorrow for sis to take her to church, may not even go would be my guess. But that is sis's call. Tomorrow night back at home, and mom should be absolutely exhausted.

Here at work. Complaining coworker at it again. She was off yesterday and i did her job and mine. I never filtered the type of fryer they have at 5his store. I guess i did it wrong! Complainer is pitching a fit, "whoever did this broke my fryer"...i said," the whoever that did this was me, i never filtered this type before so i did the best i could. A customer wanted a card with phone # for future cake orders. I go in the bakery/deli managers office and ask if she has a business card that a customer wants it. Yes i am pissed about complainer so i give card to customer tell the manager i am going on a break. OMG!! When i came back, complainer is oh Sharyn, i am so sorry, i didnt mean to upset you and T the b/d manager told her i asked for a business card and walked out to make a phone call!! I said no, a customer wanted the card and i took a break...good GOD, peple get a grip

Margeaux~Your hubby sounds similar to mine. I think it is that they really don't want to hear bad or what they feel is negativity or complaining. Usually my hubby just tunes me out. It is frustrating to say the least.

Joan~My sis is truly convinced that her employer will hire her back full time. I think deep down she knows they are fazing her out slowly, but holds on to the idea that if she goes to work everyday and works hard, they will see her benefit in a full time position again. Her situation is similar to mine with 5 hours of commute time a week but she gets less hours than I do. She has the option of working her 20 hours anyway she wants.

Glad~The beginning of dementia can be scary. My hubby denied it when his grandmother was showing signs. It took a long time for him to accept it and I don't think he did accept it until she had been placed in a nursing home and a year later, she quit talking. When that happened, he quit visiting saying she was already gone.

Have a good day everyone.

Happy for you, gad. Enjoy!!!

NOT GRANDPARENT! Grandbaby!

Enjoying the first day ans NIGHT away in a year and a half! Friend is letting me use her condo on Lake Dillon, with two of my children and one grandparent joining me. Even with them here it is so quiet and peaceful.

I was going to arrange a meal with friends here for G and I, but I am tired today so giving it a pass this time.

I went through mother’s closet and found only a few things that may be washable. The rest is silk, pure wool etc. and definitely not washable. Bought a warm looking plush type throw instead of a comforter - not as bulky - and dropped the lot off and a cheque at the hospital. Signed papers and gave a cheque to the Hearing Aid people so that can proceed. I took a pair of old slacks of mother's so I can measure the inseam, in case I buy some for her and have them shortened. Wish I had had a tape measure on me. Frankly, I very much doubt she would wear anything I buy, anyway.

Found a problem at the store where I bought the throw. They don't like taking cheques, and I think that is pretty universal now -especially for POA and I have an out of town address. Maybe I can get a second credit card on mother's account for such things.

Mother forgot that the hearing aide person had come and raised a major fuss, so they brought the person in again - at additional cost. I don't like that as mother is manipulating with her anger as usual, and they are falling for it. It means she can get mad, and they will jump and ask how high on the way up. Hopefully that will get old for them fast. They are so concerned with keeping her calm. I call that codependent. She is unable to stay calm - due to the BPD. It really makes me wonder about their training in this area. Yes, do what you can to keep her calm and feeling safe - within reason. This concerns me, as if she gets into her "emotional state" again at the new place she goes to - and she will - you can count on that - their answer may be to pacify her and move her again. I will have to meet with them again, and point this out and ask whose problems they are solving by doing this? Not hers, really, and certainly not mine!!! It is like a geographical change for an addict, which just postpones the problem. I did point that out to them and will again. Does anyone else see this or is it just me?

I have decided to take pictures of mother's apartment, so who ever consults with her about the move can have her point out/mark on the photos the furniture etc. she wants with her. There are a few larger pieces that I can dispose of already as they will not fit. I know she will not be happy with what I do, regardless, so I just have to proceed with common sense and caution. I will get rid of what I am sure she cannot use, and then store the rest, and dispose of what she doesn't want when we move her.

I cannot see how I can sell stuff from the ALF. You cannot have people wandering through a ALF looking at things, I wouldn't think. I will ask my contact there about it. So all extra may have to go to charity.

Any suggestions about this two-phase move are welcome. I am trying to look at the bright side. She has less than she had the last time. We have the experience of the last time, so I am more ruthless than I was. Gary will help, of course and so will the lads staying with us, if necessary, and probably my godson. If it is easier, I will hire the elder mover and a moving company, and mother will pay for it.

Now to contact the ALF about terminating mother's lease, and her financial advisor about adjusting how many $$$s he puts in her account monthly. And they wonder why I don't want to move her any more. :p I suppose I should cancel her cable and at least suspend her telephone and set them up again once she is moved. Think that covers the bases for now.

Have a good day everyone. Do something good for you!!!!

Hi all - no hot water here there morning! Aaaargh! A cool shower is NOT a good start for the day. I suppose I will have to move to another room.

Austin - hope the aging office doesn't get worse. Sometimes you wonder what they do. Sorry about your bro and sil but glad you can see him sometimes.

Sharyn - thanks about the wedding - seems a long way off in the face of dealing with mother stuff. I shouldn't be arranging a wedding around my mother's needs once again. Good for you for pruning the roses. Watch out for Allegra. Some people have a really bad time coming off it. I did and switched to Claritin. I am glad you have clarified with your sis that you will not take care of her. That would pretty well ruin your life. They have such a sense of entitlement!

hi bugga - thank you. Missed your story along the way. I have worked with challenged kids - very rewarding. So many were very loveable. We can use more of that quality in this world.

book - hope you are feeling better and the diluted stuff still helps (((((hugs)))) sore sinuses are nasty. Mine have been bad and I walked for blocks the last few days and they are better - go figure. You are right about the denial.

Margeaux - frustrating when you are not understood/accepted. Some people will just not accept the truth. Sis says mother has a few emotional problems but after all she is over 100. Mother's emotional problems have been there all her life. She would not be in a psychiatric hospital if it was just a few little problems. Rarely G does that about other things - mostly he is pretty good but I set him straight fast when it happens.

Veronica - I am sorry denial is part of your daily life. You are wise to mention the other factors. At our ages, Alz or other dementias can be showing.

glad - your sibs as with my sis - denial all the way, which enables the dysfunction. I have a child with it too, (who is actually doing well these days but who knows for how long) and had an aunt - passed now. Had a few run-ins with her. What you mention about your dysf sib could easy be the beginnings of dementia. Scary thought.

the laptop is behaving today so I will not stretch my luck and continue on another post

Margeaux, Veronica and Book have offered something for any of us that struggle with relationships. My sibs are in denial as are some other family members. As long as they deny the disease, they do not experience he guilt associated with not helping, it is their survival mode. Initially in my situation only one sister was exhibiting rather bizarre behavior towards the situation, now lucky me it is both sibs and an aunt, oh and don't forget a child.

I had a discussion with another family member two years ago probably about the possibility of dysfunctional sibling may be in early stages of dementia. And it isn't only behavior as the indicator, but showing up at the wrong hospital to visit, forgetting about picking mom up to go somewhere, and other things. I know the start of this disease scared the heck out of my mom, to say nothing of the rest of the family. I'm sure it is the same for most everybody. Thank goodness, I do not seem to have a problem with memory, so far.

Margeaux. Is it possible that your husband does not want to know more about ALZ/dementia because he is begining to feel the early stages himself? or is he simply the self absorbed older male who des not want the surface of his small pond to be disturbed? Sorry if you are having to deal with this I so recognize the feeling of instant pain and frustration when faced with these negative comments. Daily life round here I am afraid. Is there also depression and memory loss involved followed by frustration and blaming?