The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thanks, zoo. It blows me away that they really aren't getting it. I guess if it comes to that I will back out and give medical/personal POA to my sister. I can keep financial. I said that I am getting too old for this and I am getting to an age where I need help sometimes. They nod and say that they have people my age in their facility. and I should just hire someone.

It isn't that simple. There is a certain amount of sorting that you have to do yourself and there are no geriatric case managers here.

Thewy say out it on kijjiji - sure. I am 5 hrrs drive away and I am going to sell mother

Joan, I haven't been on this board much lately but did read a snippet to what you are facing once again. Words fail me, when I read this I thought dear Lord how could this be, you've been through so much already. I agree your mother was so blessed to have been given you as her daughter. You deserve the best and I believe the best is yet to come. You are one of my hero's here on this board. You are in my thought and prayers dear lady!

Yes, you do need to be close, Sharyn.

When I told them that the next move has to be it, the psychiatrist went all wide eyed and said she would try. I said you aren't getting it. It is not a matter of trying. It is a matter of doing it in a way that she will stay - making it work! We are agreed she will go into mental health care. Next meeting, I need to repeat that they have to make it work. I believe that meds are part of the answer.

They said hire a moving company. I said that does not deal with all the excess furniture and belongings that as soon as I dispose of any, will be exactly what mother wants. Tomorrow, I will check mother's closet for washable things, then go to the mall next door and buy some washable stuff and a comforter and have them delivered. I doubt she will wear any of it, but it is all I can do. What she may need will have to be stored, and the rest disposed of. She will likely go into a bachelor apartment with no cooking facilities, so she will not need much furniture. Most of the stuff she bought a few years ago will have to go. What a waste!!! So, I need to end the lease at her present ALF, and find a storage place. It will cost less than her ALF costs.

They want to keep her another few months for observation and testing. The cognitive testing has come back. There are deficits in her short term memory, nothing new, but the cause is - vascular dementia. Her executive functions are reasonable, but have dropped from where they were before. Her temper is showing. They are starting to see what we lived with. I am sure they will see more in future. She will likely be there at least 6 months, between the new psychiatrist getting to know her, and the wait list for whatever new place she goes into. I will have some say in choosing places. I suspect it will be more like 9 months before she moves.

I will say that at the end of the meeting that the psychiatrist looked me in the eye and said that mother was lucky to have me and the sw nodded. I told them I was very thankful for the support, as I had had little support and lots of opposition all my life and all I wanted was a little peace. They recommend no visitors for mother for now. Works for me.

Forgot the check for her incidentals, as I am not feeling well. Just as well as they need extra anyway. I forgot some of my clothing and makeup when I packed too, which I never do. Frustrating!!!

Walked back to the hotel - over 20 blocks and blew a few cobwebs away.

norrest - walking doesn't seem to have hurt my gut - some of it may be stress

alison - repeat with me - "we are NOT flying monkeys, or gophers, for that matter!"

Tonight I will treat myself to a nice dinner and maybe some time in the hot tub, or maybe just early to bed.

G's horse case was put over another month. He called it a gong show of ineptitude. lol.

A little hum drum for both of us would be nice.

Everyone – take care of you!

This why Joan, I need to be able to work local, so I have that extra hour of time to make sure they know my mom has supplies. I understand that they don't like to go through my mom's personal belongings, but I can't be there everyday. Hugs to you and hang in there, but take care of yourself first.!!!

You got that right, Sharyn. I don't feel that I was heard on the issues I brought up. They nodded and smiled and told me I didn't have to do any of it, then spent more time discussing how I should do it. I told them eventually she needs rto go into a facility that she will stay in as I cannot keep moving her. The psychiatr

Alison- complain and vent all you need!

Joan-it is amazing to me how sw.'s will pass the buck. The community mom is at called me Tuesday saying she was out of toothpaste, body wash, shampoo and conditioner. I said we just brought all that on Sunday. She said well we can't find it. I said my mom hides things because she things other people are using her bathroom and supplies.it is there just look for it!

It is so difficult that when a chapter of a life is closing, the dysfunction has to be at its height. WE ALL DESERVE A HUG!

Whipped- you are right your cousin has not lived this plus it sounds like she is about 20 years older than you.

Countrymouse...my cousin does know about the dementia...I told her yesterday when my mother was telling her we blame her for everything...l had just never mentioned it before because she never asked....we have not seen my cousin in 3 1/2 years...my mother was quite different then but I agree with all the posts...you have to live this to understand it....and my cousin has not lived this

So - complained/vented anyway, lol! Good, I needed to laugh, and reading here and posting accomplished that for me. :-) Love you guys.

Sorry, emjo, why does it seem like the crazy of "this" - this caregiving to family, DYS family at that - just spreads into so many unforeseen facets of life, like a giant weed…? :-( I hope you do "enlighten" SW and those at facilty, lol. Why does it seem like everyone in the world has started being unaccountable, inefficient, and wants to "delegate" everything and anything? Ok, thats a sweeping generalization, lol, but its what I'm experiencing today.

I'm feeling it today, too, just so many issues with making these new doctor's appointments (one has already called back to cancel/reschedule, and is now on hold for foreseeable future, then the newly assigned PCP for Humana - the newly assigned health care plan - is telling me in so many words that my dad needs to come to them, not the other PCP I found on website: healthgrades… geesh), the air purifier unit I ordered was lost in transit and spent an hour with Amazon today to sort that out, meanwhile I do not feel well and I have bloody mucus… do not have enough extra money to reorder unit out of pocket until refund has cleared… and on and on… and my father is completely out of food again and I'm realizing that he has zero intention of doing ANYTHING FOR HIMSELF while I am around. Its disheartening, for sure.

Deep breath. Getting on my big girl pants. (((hugs))) to all.

Constantnurse, thank you for sharing and venting about your situation. I got on here just now to complain about my non-problems and read your post. You hang in there and keep posting if it helps give you some support, and I'll go back to my day with a new sense of "Keeping Calm and Carrying On." :-) (((hugs)))

Emjo: Well, near us we have salvation army thrift stores.....I'd buy new outfits allright! Geez! What are they smoking? Oh fun fun she's off her meds...... No wonder your stomach is acting up. So frustrating for you! Hope it works out soon.

NOT a happy camper. Before the meeting with mother's social worker and the new paychiatrist today, the SW wants me to bring 5-7 new clothing outfits for mother which can tolerate hot washer and dryer, stamps, sox and a duvet/quilt. Oh, and a cheque for mothers supplements. Just how am I supposed to carry all this is one trip? I don't have a car with me. I do not think mother has bedcovering that will tolerate those temps, so I will have to buy her a cheap comforter, and frankly most of her clothing won't take hot temps either.

I told the SW I wasn't feeling well as I still haven't recovered from the flare-up. I think it is side effects of the meds. I am tired and somewhat nauseated, and I am a senior who could use some help myself. I have dental surgery that still needs to be done, have to plan a move for mother this year and disposing of some of her furniture, and looks like a wedding (mine) to plan. I have mother's taxes to do, as well as mine. I will do the things that other people can't do, but they can buy stamps and a cheap comforter, and they can get staff at mothers ALF to send more of her clothes over. We have paid over $3000 a month the past few months, and mother has not even been there, so they can do something for their money. Aaaargh. Oh well, they will get enlightened this afternoon or I will take a page from mother's book and threaten senior abuse. lol.

Mother is off her meds again -it didn't last long, so I will not be visiting her. My stomach feels bad enough as it is.

Hi to the newbies again. You have been getting lots of good advice. Hope I feel better soon and like posting more.

and hi to everyone else. I am reading but not up to grade these days.

Take care of you -what I am trying to do.

I have just joined this website and have been a caregiver for about 7 months. My folks were able to be in their home until my dad's hip replacement turned into a perforated bowel, sepsis, colostomy, etc. He has been hospitalized for 2 months now. My mom moved in with my husband and I after a car accident while driving home from visiting Dad in the hospital.
Dad is very controlling and Mom and I are still dancing to his tune. Anything to keep him from blowing his top!
I am very exhausted at this point and mom continues to escape reality through books and TV. She barely knows how to do the bills, and is very immobile. Usually sits in a chair until I do something for her.
As an only child, it all falls on me. I feel so selfish for wanting/needing some down time. I long to have one afternoon to myself.

Margeaux-I can relate to what you said about your brothers enabling your sister. My poor brother has enough on his plate already. He won't speak up when sis was hugging him to fix the toilets at mom's house. I tried to intervene by volunteering to call a plumber on my next day off but sis didn't want to pay the expense. If it were me and my brother didn't respond to my email after a week, I would have got a plumber. Not sis, she sent a second email to him. She is not very thoughtful of other people's situations.

It is funny how family will intrude with thoughts about how it may interfere with their life.

Whipped~I hope you have a back up plan if your cousin calls you after 3 months saying she can't do it anymore and she wants you to take her back. Just be prepared if this should happen. A care facility may be a good option. I hope for you and your family it doesn't happen as you deserve to get on with your life with your husband and daughters.

Whipped, um… This cousin who is taking your mother to live with her permanently in four months' time has no idea that your mother has dementia?

That is a car crash in waiting.

Listen, I completely agree and completely sympathise: you cannot continue to house your mother in your home, with only one bathroom, and your own and your husband's sanity to worry about. Your mother has to live somewhere else, and that somewhere else has to be somewhere where she will be safe and well looked-after - by people who know what they are doing. There's the rub.

You need to talk to your cousin about this. She then needs to find out about dementia. If she's still up for it, cool. If she's got the sense she was born with, though, she'll probably agree that you all together need to come up with a new plan.

A 92 year old with dementia living in a house with one niece and her two room-mates, states away from her own home..? To paraphrase Arnold Schwarzenegger: "she'll be baaack…"

Oh, and there is no law that says you have to feel warm and fuzzy towards your mother. I love my mother very much but there are an awful lot of things I don't like about her. Being sure it's mutual is some consolation..! :)

Austin,

How is your brother doing?
I remember you'd posted about his health, and been meaning to ask about him.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Ppodmama,
I just noticed your screen name, I'd written to you as Goodmama, that's what happens when my sinuses act up. So those posts were for you, of course.

When there's an enabler such as your dad, there's not a lot someone in your shoes can do. My brother's are enablers of the sort in that they never participate w/mother. Nowadays, the youngest brother who is named as 2nd POA, in case my sister can't do it, lives so far, and he never ever really does anything that would include the emotional aspect about participating w/mom. Plus, he's emotionally disconnected to begin with. Then, our other brother...the golden boy!
He also is geographically disconnected, too. He just comes by when my sister tells him things such as.....mom's now gone into Hospice care. Anyway, because of their absence......they''re enablers to my sister's control. I sometimes feel as if possibly the youngest brother, doesn't appreciate how much control my sister has, but it would take for him to speak up. That's too much work for him!
So I like you am alone in that camp. It just ends up being there's only so much we in our role in the family as the "scapegoats," can really do when there's a lack of support. The manner in which you've elected to get around this, is the most sensible way to handle it.

Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Countrymouse,

Glad to see you posting again. I was wondering where you'd been.
Before my sister moved into my mom's, I still had many things in the bedroom I used while I lived there during dad's illness and passing. Then I moved out w/then beau, who became my husband. I couldn't bring some of my things w/me because we live in a small space, and my husband has a lot of things, kind of like a museum of sorts. HAAH! Guess who gets to clean it? ME!

When my sister moved into mother's 3 bedroom home, to care for our battle ax aunt, and mom.......she moved in w/the two daughter's and the eldest's boyfriend.
O.K., I admit that I should have done something w/the stuff I had in that bedroom. Well, they moved all the stuff into the garage, w/a whole load of their things. They could have told me, when they were going to make the move, as I would have liked to pack up some of my things and at least know where they are, because I've tried locating them in mom's huge garage, but
now my things are all mixed up w/their's. My sister does her shopping at the warehouse places, so she has lots of supplies in there also.
I had two nice comforters, then found one on my sister's bed, the other on her daughter's. But my sister has always had this aggressive quality, in that she thought nothing of taking something from me, when we were younger and using it, or keeping it. What is it about people in families that do this

Each time I've been to mothers, I take a peek into that garage.....so that I might locate some of my mementos, especially, and a guitar I own. Well who knows where that may be, because my sis once braggingly told me that they'd had a garage sale, She said that her son in law was very good at this, blah di blah.
I couldn't help but cringe thinking.......yes you've probably sold some of my things, I'm sure.

How wonderful of your DIL, but this picture and the posting of it may come back to bite her.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks for your support and understanding. I realize when a family is dysfunctional a crisis magnifies those issues. I have already told my sister that I am checking out of the situation due to her behaviors. She told me she was sorry I felt that way. But I believe if you really are, then you seek ways to involve others. My dad is making all the decisions for my mom and enabling my sister to take over everything, so I guess, in his actions, he is giving her that role. So, I am completely free to do as I wish with my mom. I am a great encouraging person and I will send her encouraging notes every day and be at peace knowing I'm not needed nor wanted. So thankful for understanding folk like you all and for BOUNDARIES :)

whippedat56......Your cousin has no idea what she is in for. Let her go. You have done the best you can. What you are going through now, multiply that by 4. It only gets worse...... You deserve a "normal family" now!

Exhaustedmomma: I have a sisterinlaw who thinks she is "entitled" to possessions of her mother's. Years ago when we first noticed memory problems with my mother in law, we had a discussion about importance of a living will. SIL walked into the room. When explained to her what we were talking about, "Living Will." She went into a tantrum, screaming and stomping how dare anyone talk to her mother about "The Will". When mother dies I want it all! As it has turned out, my MIL has deteriorated since then. On Thanksgiving SIL was told by POA( my husband) not to remove anything from her mother's home. The next time we arrived to MIL's home, all her sterling silver and china were gone. SIL and boyfriend took all while MIL was sleeping. SIL rearranged and added things to china cabinet to make it look like nothing was missing. SIL admitted in text to POA she took it all and is not returning it. Her mother is still alive! I made Easter dinner at MIL's and we did not even have a serving fork for the meat! We had to use a barbecue fork! GREED of people is sickening! It is exploitation of the elderly. If someone would do that to own mother, they'd do it to anyone. I have not met my SIL face to face since this incident..... "Katie bar the doors".....someone will need to hold me back! SIL is a narcissist. We had bought picture frames and gave MIL memorable photos of times spent with her. When we arrived to MIL's home, SIL had taken our photos out of frames we bought and put in her own! Now she rearranges the photos and puts hers at the front. Over the years we had purchased jewelry as gifts for MIL. As MIL's memory was getting worse, we marked the boxes of things we gave her. SIL took all the boxes away. The drama goes on and on.........we look forward to the day when we do not have to deal with this nutjob any more!

thanks for this topic..this is my first visit to a forum and this topic is right up my alley.
Though I wont get into the specifics due to the length, my childhood at 10 consisted of my father hitting my mother, her chasing him with a meat cleaver in retaliation, the cops coming to my house at 2am taking him to jail, them using me and my late sister as go betweens for their ugly comments after they split up and so on. When their divorce finally went to court when I was 14, we are asked who we wanted to live with as he was fighting for custody so he could keep the house and my mother would end up homeless,and we said with her, so he cut us out of his life, moved to a different state, stopped working, ate in soup kitchens etc. During the separation he drained the bank accounts and moved the money to relatives. He didnt pay child support, alimony, the taxes on the house so he lost everything in the judgement. The fact is, he was good father up to the point of the divorce, but a horrible husband. And my mother is one who could nag you to the point of wanting to slug her, and with his short fuse thats what he did. He was an old time time italian and no picnic either. Though we did reconcile over the years and then fall out again, in the end we were estranged. When my younger sister was dying from cancer and i told him this, he said I have my own problems. She lasted 9 months and never called her.I did invite him to her service, where he cried and said she didnt deserve this. Well, no, she didnt deserve for him to ignore her when she was dying and on her deathbed asking wheres daddy. He outlived her by a year and a half.
Now I am the caregiver to my 92 yo mother. And the fact is, I have spent my whole adult life trying to get some space from her. She is another old time italian who was always in my business. If i didnt answer the phone, or if i left if off the hook by accident, she would call the neighbors, or even the police would show up at my door telling me your mother says your not answering your phone. She interfered in my raising of my kids, and because I was a smoker she told me she was going to report me to child protective services back in the 1990s when my kids were in grade school. This isn not a woman i feel endeared to and now I have her in my home 24/7. She has dementia , has turned the gas jets on by accident, leaves the hot water running the bathroom at night for hours, get feces all over the bathroom when she goes, using so much toilet paper the sewer system clogs up and my husband who is a plumber has to rent industrial equipment to clear the sewer line,and then denies she does any of these things. I took her in because of a sense of moral obligation, but after 3 and a half years of on and off and now a year and a half straight of having her here, my hub and I are out of our minds. She doesnt seem to care about what we are going through having her here, and would go to nursing home kicking and screaming only. I have 2 older cousins in other states, no other family. I heard her on the phone telling the 70 yo female one that we blame her for everything that goes wrong here. I told this cousin what we go through here and she says I dont want to see her in a nursing home so Ill take her. Well thank you Lord. She never once asked me how my mothers mental state was so I never told her. We are on the east coast and she will be taking my mother to AZ, when she comes down at the end of the summer. I have one daughter who is for this and one against. My cousin has 2 female house mates and my mother will have her own bathroom which is something we cant give her here as we have only 1. I told my cousin I hope you know what you are getting into, she says she does. I sometimes think I am a horrible person having no maternal feelings for my mother, but I dont know how I am suppose to reverse them. Thanks for a place to vent.

UNNN-believable!!! "Hey mother, you won't mind if I take this, will you..?"

You've reminded me of when I saw an exercise bike at my brother's house and said "oo! - it's just like the one I gave Daddy for his birthday oh it IS the one I… Oh." Their need greater than their parents', eh?

I guess if there's a useful lesson it's always to remember that when you 'ask' your parent if something's okay you have to remember too that he/she will almost never say "no."

Feeling paranoid (yes I do realise I am being paranoid): photographs up on Facebook from Lovely Nephew 1's wedding on Saturday, and the ones from the evening dance show my DIL draped drunkenly but happily over my sister's shoulders - did they bond over b**ching about me??? No of course not. Dunno what else they would have had to talk about tho', they've barely met… :/

ppodmama~I too have a sister that thinks she is the universal queen, she has tired to completely take over control of my mom's clothing choices based on what she likes...not what mom likes. So I arranged a clothing shopping trip where mom came with us to make her own choices. My mom has Alzheimer's and is mentally incapacitated. Mom also lives in a memory care unit that is part of an assisted living facility. She also receives excellent care. Sis tried to take over mom's hair style because she does not like it. Again, I was able to get sis to let me take mom to her regular stylist instead of the stylist on site who just didn't get mom's hair color right and she cut my mom's very thin hair in many layers which caused it to look stringy and unkept. My goal is to let mom be who she has always been regarding her style of clothes and hair. Sis has backed off on it even though she is the primary on the DPOA. I live in the same city as mom, so taking her out of the facility to get her hair done, is opportunity for me to spend more time with mom. We either go to breakfast before the hair appointment, or we go to lunch after. She lives a 45 minute drive from us and she only come down to visit mom on obilgatory days, b-days, mother's day, Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Please come back and let us know more when you are ready to share. We will support you and Welcome to the thread.

Goodmama,

No, you're definitely not alone. Welcome to the thread.
I thought I posted something last night, but at some point had to get off computer because I've been having a battle w/sinuses.

My situation sounds a lot like yours. I too have a very controlling sister, POA,
MPOA, who thinks that her opinion is the only valid one. My brothers are never called upon to do relief for mom.

My sister has become very defensive if I ask, or offer any kind of advice.
I'm only doing this when my sister has burned my ear about an apathetic doctor,
mom's constipation, etc. She interprets what I say as a personal attack about her. She's getting worse too. The other day after mom was released for constipation and a UTI, my sister was running down all the levels of what mom had been through in the hospital. The conversation was about stool softeners,
and I offered something in general. Her reaction was so defensive, I felt my blood boiling....I had to do everything to keep my composure over the phone w/her. But I held firm to what I was saying and ended it in a strong tone of voice, and told her to look it up on the computer. But yet....she'll still call when she needs relief. The last time I did this......she really overstepped the line w/me regarding my input. She has of lately also treats me like I'm one of her paid caregivers, and you can tell by what I'm saying here that she treats them w/a
sub-level of respect. She's very critical of them. The last time she needed relief...
I told her I couldn't do it that day. Yes, it's coming down to, I'm having to just separate gong to see mom, visit and not get involved in the care. That's too bad.
But I'm fed up w/her treatment, and inflated sense of self importance.
Congratulations is what I can say to you.

Does your mom live at home with your dad?
My sister does those hair and nail appointments. She even took mom last week.
What on earth, mom just got out of the hospital! Why is something like getting a 93 yr. old's nails done at this time?

Please come back and share whatever you want.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks, Countrymouse. I am getting ahead of myself, I know. It comes from living in my childhood home. You always had to be one step ahead. I appreciate your suggestion to make arrangements for someone else to be there if she does come to see my mother. I don't trust my sister any further than I can throw her, so I do not want her in my mom's apartment alone. My mom and I made arrangements for palliative and home health care advocates to come in to help her (the first steps of Hospice). She does live in a very good assisted living facility with nurses and care-givers I can trust.
My sister was having knee surgery and decide she'd need the walker more than my mom, I guess. I bought my mom a new walker when I got to AZ. After my husband called her to tell her to return the radio, she sent my mom a letter telling her she took the Bose radio because there were cigarette ashes on it...craziness.

EM, are you worried that you'll get a call from your sister demanding to see your mother? Refer it to your mother. If your mother says no, it's a no. If she says yes, it's a yes - but you don't have to be there yourself. A nurse or care assistant can be present, as it wouldn't be safe or kind to leave a very sick woman alone with an unpredictable personality like your sister when she's in a state; then if at that time you still feel the same you won't have to see her at all.

You are getting a little bit ahead of yourself. Talk to your mother about what she wants so you're clear about her wishes. Then when the time comes you'll know what to do, and you'll have had a chance to make any practical arrangements necessary (like somewhere for your sister to stay where you won't have to see her, for example).

What on earth did your sister want to pinch your mother's walker for?