The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Okay. Piggy-backing on my original question: How do I possibly deal with her getting the chance to clear her conscience at the last minute? I guess I need to ask my mom what she wants when the time is closer. One of the things my sister did was to drive from NM to AZ the day my dad died just to steal stuff out of the garage, my mom's Bose radio and her WALKER - then left my mom alone with no food in the house and no funeral arrangements made. I live in IN and my dad's death was sudden. I have two small children, so It took me a few days to get there. Frankly, I never want to set eyes on my sister again.

okay, guess I am all alone here.

So I met this woman a few years ago, who lives 2.5 hours away from me.
I met her through our neighbor next door. We've been in touch off and on for about 3 yrs., now. Our face to face meetings have been few. But I have seen her at our neighbor's, where she stays if she's in town.

This weekend, she came down and stayed a night next door.
She called me the day before she arrived to say she'd be visiting, and wanted to get together possibly for dinner, of course this was going to be that I prepare dinner for her, our neighbor and my husband. Before she arrived I also knew that she was going to visit 2 other people during the day, before arrival.

Anyway, so I was busy making some chicken thighs w/potatoes.
We heard from her in the early a.m., and I was a bit unsure as to what time she was actually arriving. Well dinner was getting done, she arrived/w/her Russell Terrier in tow, and a guy. He was a very nice young man, and she had offered to give him a ride to the airport, as he'd just finished a one month vacation in our city.
My neighbor and me noticed that she was extremely hyper. Again, since I've had few face to face meetings wi/her, she's been more of an email friend this behavior seemed new to me. So we finished dinner, she took this young man to the airport, she returned, my husband and I returned to our apt.

Next morning......I joined her and our neighbor out in his patio in the a.m for coffee, which was Easter. I spent about 2 hrs., talking to her, so it was pleasant.
I then told her I had to leave, so I was going to bid my farewells, as I didn't think she'd be at the neighbors later that evening. She had too many plans across town, catching up w/friends. My husband and me had another commitment, so we went to that.

So Monday goes by. We don't hear from her.
Tues., she rings me early in the a.m. She's still across town, her plans sound real iffy....she still wants to meet up with 2 more people in one day. On this call she made it sound as if she was going to spend Tues. night at our neighbor's, so wanted to see if I'd be around. I told her, well I'm moving around, so just call my cell, blah di blah.
She called me once more about 7:30 p.m. She's still across town, and sounds as if she hasn't caught up w/those two other friends she wants to see. Now she's saying something like, she doesn't know that she'll spend the night at our neighbor's. But she'll be in the area, and whether she could drop by, to say goodbye, (something I'd already done, Sun.) and......"I hope you guys aren't going to bed early," because I think I'll just wait for the traffic to die down, then I'm going to hit the road." O.K., I was saying uhuuh, o.k., to most of it, then we hung up.
After that, I started to think, "Oh no," I hope she's not going to ask me whether she can stay here. I'm already on to the fact that she rubs my husband the wrong way.
I can't say that I blame him either, because on this visit, she had this bouncing all over the place kind of energy, and she's rather on the aggressive side too. Again,
things one doesn't get to see unless you are with someone face to face.
Then she comes w/her dog, so that's already a big problem to begin with.
Anyway, 3 hrs., passed. We'd eaten dinner, I was on the computer feeling like I got sucked into something, and I was getting annoyed at that waiting around for people who have you waiting, according to their schedule. I went through moments, of how dumb I was, why didn't I tell her, or put a time limit as to when she could show up.

So round about 10:00 I headed for the bedroom, and was listening to a radio show, still thinking wow, she'll show up and I'll be sleepy, all of that......guilt! Well you all know what? I dosed off. About 10:45 p.m., our door bell rang. It was her. I heard the hubby go outside and she just started to tell him a slew of details about where she'd been, who she saw, and sounds like she got into a fight w/someone, also.
I stayed in the bed, but before she had appeared, I'd decided that I was just going to bed, and if some traveller is so inconsiderate as she obviously is......she doesn't deserve my consideration!

Next morning......hubby asked whether I'd heard the doorbell last night.
I told him yes, w/o hardly any talk about it at all on my part. He then said,
"she's a total drama queen." He also told me he got the feeling she was trying to see if we'd let her stay overnight.

Also, I thought it was interesting......she likes to do some travelling.
She told me she's joined something called, "Couch Surf." You join this website,
and people list where people can come stay in different cities, on their couch for free. Well she can't do couch potato in our place.

Some people have a lot of nerve!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Isn't it interesting how dysfunction has the trickle down effect?
Here you have your sister who by your descriptions......drags her feet w/when she needs to be on top of matters w//mother. Her health needs lots of attention, and I'm aware that she doesn't address it. Then, she doesn't sound at all realistic about her job. In summary she's lacking in a lot of areas, then she somehow behaves surprised that you wouldn't want to be her DPOA. Then her daughter, what can one say about that! I think dysfunction has a trickle down effect. The more dysfunctional the parent is, the kids w/probably also be.

Well, I'm happy to hear that you are distancing, and that you're not too involved in your brother's dysfunction too.
Yes, this does affect us at times, but this is when we must be focused and reminding ourselves of the tools available, to get around it. We all have bad days,
then when other stresors appear in our lives we feel vulnerable, that's normal.
The thing is, not to stay in that too long, because that kind of thinking is counter productive.

I had an interesting situation come up the last few days w/a visitor.
I'll write about that in a post, because it could get very long.

You're doing well, my dear.....keep at it! It's a work in progress,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I agree with Sharynmarie, be the better one. My mom just had surgery and my brother who shares a POA with me did not inform me at all. I found through moms checking account. do it, make it short, and you'll have no regrets or bad feelings down the line. good luck.

EM, as your mother's POA you have an obligation to carry out your mother's wishes; I'd extend that obligation to her wishes concerning her other daughter, too. Ask her, at each stage: do you want me to let X know what is happening?

If her answer is yes, the next question is: do you want to see her?

You have an obligation to get as close as you can to what your mother really wants here, and to do your best to arrange it. That's all. You don't have any obligation to your sister.

But, by the way, you mention your sister's lack of concern. Well, you know her and I don't; maybe she doesn't call because she's not bothered, you should know. But I think you might bear in mind that another reason it's hard for her to call is that she gets a hostile reception. If you think your mother would benefit from any kind of reconciliation with her sister, you could think about working on that.

Exhausted-I would call her when mom is near the end so she has the option to say goodbye. If she doesn't do so, you at least have done your part and what sis does or doesn't do, she has to live with in the end. She is an adult and is responsible for her own choices. Hugs to you and your mother.

Here's a question only adult children from dysfunctional families can help me with: My mom has lung cancer and is now at the stage where we are talking palliative/home health care. Not quite to the end of life, but Hospice is the next step. My sister has been estranged from my mom and I since my dad died
2 1/2 years ago. She has had a history of drug/alcohol addiction, stealing from my mom after my dad died, and general nastiness. Mom essentially cut her from the will 2 years ago (leaving her very little, not that there's is much anyway). My mother also took my sister off of the POA 2 years ago, which resulted in my sister threatening to sue me (which she did not). My mom moved to the city I am living and I've been her primary caregiver, so the POA only makes sense. Mom is very cognitively engaged, some short term memory issues, but that's it. Anyway my sister has rarely called my mother. The last time she contacted me was the week before Easter (via text, that's the only way I will communicate with her). I told her mom was not doing well, but is out of the hospital. My sister knows mom has lung cancer. She didn't even call my mom on Easter. Only asked if she should come up once when I thought my mom was going to die. There is so much more I could go into here, but I'll stop. My actual question is this: Due to my mom's history with my sister, my mother's refusal to call her (mom called her Christmas Day) and my sisters lack of concern...do I have an obligation to call my sister once my mom is unable to do so and is near the end?

Thank you Glad, Book, and Margeaux. I was shocked that he did this for us. It was nice of him, he is a character. Glad, from what I have been told about his ex wife....she sounds like a full blown narcissist. She apparently worked with her attorney for about 3 years planning the divorce and he walked away with a vehicle, motorhome and a dog. She ruined his reputation and cant get work in his profession.

Sharyn, just remember when you thank him, to mention you and hubby's name. One never knows if he might be on the rebound from that nasty divorce. He might misconstrue the card, cookies, beer if you just say thank you, and then signing your name. If you add both of your names, then he won't think anything of it... Ahem.... I'm thinking of my 2 brothers who tend to think 'down there' than with their brains. Unfortunately, if a female smiles at them, they think the females Admires them. {{chuckling}}

Sharyn, don't you just love when things that you have to do and dread the thought of, get done for you without even asking for help?! Wonder what his wife's problem was. He sounds like a very considerate man.

Hmmm, what do you know about him? Is he a beer drinker? Maybe a 6 pack of some microbrews? Or home made cookies? A gift card for a nearby restaurant?

Sharynmarie,

About your neighbor, maybe your could send him a ecard.
My husband and me sent one today to his brother's gf, in Europe.
Poor woman, has some health problems.
But anyway, of course for that you'd need to have his email, if he has one.

If you don't, send him a Thank You card, the good old fashion way.

Will write a bit later,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I weed whacked more today since trash pick up was today, and I removed a dead dwarf orange tree. I ran into my next door neighbor when I brought the trash cans in the back yard. He is living with my actual neighbor who is his mother. He is in his early 50's and fighting to get a life back after a horrible divorce. He has a masters degree in psychology. I mentioned to him about a freebe tree that is growing on our side of fence and I how I need to saw it off and put a root killer on it so it does not break up the cement on his side or my side of the fence. The trunk on the tree is about 4 inches inches in diameter,...to big for me to just break it off then put something on it to kill the root so it wont continue to grow. He jokingly said yes, it is a problem for the entire neighborhood, and he said when I saw it off, to just pee on it to kill it, LOL!!! I responded as long as you are not watching, Hahaha!! A couple hours later, I ran to the store and when I came back, I noticed the tree was chopped down....Wow, I didn't expect that from him as I was going to it tonight. I don't know how to feel....grateful...guilty I even mentioned it....this where my coping skills lack because I didn't mean for him to do it. It was on our side of fence and either my hubby or I should have done it. I don't see him often to be able to thank him for his generosity. Any suggestions...

Veronica91 -- thank you, it helps a lot to get support :)

Margeaux~I had a conversation with my sister about a month ago, and I don't think she appreciated and/or she chooses to stay in denial about her health and job situation. I told her I do not want to be her DPOA because I do not want to deal with her narcissistic eldest daughter. This daughter already accused her uncle on her father's side of the family of abusing his parents money. Her proof was based on the fact that her grandfather told her she would receive an inheritance from them. However, both grandparents ended up in a NH that was paid out of pocket since they did not set up a living trust with an elder law attorney. My sis was a little shocked when I said I don't want the responsibility for her and that her daughters need to do it. My relationship with my sister has changed to that of just contact regarding mom's care and I probably only email or talk with her once or twice a month now. I have distanced myself considerably from her. It is working out better for me. She is not calling me at work like she was and when she does, I let it go to voicemail.

My brother's situation is one that I am not personally involved with because when he married his wife, he kept her and her children separate from us...mostly to protect his marriage as my mother was instrumental in his divorce from his first wife. We were invited to my nephews birthdays, graduations,etc., but not her children's. My niece who is ill, I do know her, we are facebook friends as acquaintances only. She did help me with learning how to use my kindle when I first got it, LOL!! She friended me after my brother's surprise 60th b-day party 2 years ago when we all dressed as hippies so he could relive his teenage years, LOL! I had asked all the young mothers at the party if they had objections to me posting pics on facebook that had their children in them.

I am not what I would say is overly involved with my sibs issues, however, I do have days when it does affect me emotionally especially my brother's situation with his health and daughter. I can place myself in their shoes knowing how I would feel if it were one of my children. For the most part it is all happening at a distance from me. In the beginning, I was consumed with praying all the time for her and another relative's little boy who has a brain stem tumor. It did overwhelm me so I had back away and now I pray only once a week. I can't handle being consumed with it, it gets to be too much.

Thank you for your words and understanding. Focusing on my grandbabies is the best thing for me and next week we will know for sure what their genders will be. I can't wait as my daughter is going to tell me what they will be (of course her hubby will know too), that way word won't leak out before the reveal, my hubby has to wait like everyone else, LOL!!

Alison~I agree that yard work is very therapeutic. It really does help to work out negative feelings and gives a great boost mentally if depression is present. I can really get into weed whacking to work out angry feelings too, LOL!!! Just picture the persons face I am angry with and whack, whack, whack!!!, HEE HEE!!

Have a good day everyone!!Hugs to all of you.

I am the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family. My golden child/Hero sister wants to control everything, right up to hair appointments for my mom, and then blame my I brother and I for not doing anything. When I suggested they get a little more probing with the doctors about my moms care, she reminded me only her and my dad have POA and that is it. So, I am washing my hands of this whole situation and will simply send my mom get well cards. I am not a pawn. At least when my mom gets to Heaven she will know why I wasn't around more and couldn't help much.

Looloo. like you I believe Mom's generous helper has her own reasons whatever they are. Bashing you is her way of stroking mom's ego and making Mom dependent on her so she can inflate her own self importance. What she has left out of the equation is that Mom was schooled in manipulation by a master. She has plenty of ways to get help from other people when this helper runs out of steam. For now ignore the insults and appreciate the time she frees up for you not to be at mother's beck and call. You know you are not the person being described so let it go

Sharynmarie,

Listen....You are going through some heavy stuff right now, given your niece's health. You have just gone through the sale of your mother's home, then dealing w/your sister and those issues. I have seen the courage and strength many times coming through. Yes, well we all probably suffer from the self esteem issue.
I certainly do. I see it in many posts here. But situations are always changing,
and we just have to remember even when we want to feel sorry for someone,
to become aware of how much we are willing to do that. Sometimes we just have to focus elsewhere, because those people have to do their work too. Those situations didn't get that way on there own.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Ahhhh Looloo! We are all on this journey together. I'm getting to the point when my parents mention a name of someone who 'helps them so much,' I call to 'thank' them and start picking their brain. I will throw in little tidbits like 'Have you ever noticed...' or, 'My brother & I were just there and that wasn't so...' I learned from the best about manipulation w/ my grandmother, plotting the church ppl against my parents who were the pastor & his wife. She would be out of milk & 'No one would help her.' Church people to the rescue! My idea of people helping just out of the goodness of their heart was tainted when some of these people turned on my parents for their 'Neglect...' All they had to do was call my parents & find out the truth. Oh well. Good lesson learned & my radar is ON!

Hi Margeaux, how are you doing? It's been about 24 hours, I had a good night's sleep last night, and things are thankfully a little more in perspective. My brother, his wife, and their 'email drive-by' incident has faded quite a bit now. To quote someone who's name I can't remember at the moment, "I'm really getting in touch with my rage" re-my mother, lol ;). Sounds a little less out of control than saying "I'm enraged," hee hee. But I am.
I realized that the neighbor who I say is always so generous and helpful, must also have her own issues. She is not simply being generous and helpful -- she is also getting sucked in to my mother's 'story' of me being neglectful and thoughtless. Who knows, maybe believing this actually inflates her own sense of being not just kind and helpful, but heroic too--sweeping in, with her superhero cape on, to save the day. I get that, in a way. If you had a choice of just helping, versus being recognized as a hero, which would you choose? We all know from personal experience that helping can be pretty thankless a lot of the time.
I also spent the last day really beating myself up. I sort of trusted this person to see things more clearly, and it didn't happen, and I blamed myself for being naive. Ok, so NOW I know that this person is doing what she's doing for her own reasons. I am hoping that she'll get a big bite on the butt and wake up and SEE. And I probably need to get a little more comfortable with being thought of as 'neglectful,' 'uncaring,' and 'selfish', and not let it get to me.
This is a helluva lotta work.

Wow - lots of activity. This is just a fly by to say hi to the newbies - and I echo what the oldbies said. Set boundaries, do some good things for you, detach, detach, detach... Look after your health. If contact is very stressful, reduce it or cut it out temporarily or permanently. Take a pill - from your doc of course, if that helps. My BP was up after the past months of extra stress from mother and sister. It is coming down again now. I find that listening to classical music brings it down and washes away my woes. A great holiday helped too,

On another front, I was at the jewellers today looking at engagement rings and made an appointment for us for next week. Juggling this development, moving mother and more dental surgery will be challenging.

Take care all, and do something good for you. ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Margeaux,
Here I am! Sorry, should have posted. It was ok. I went to see one daughter on Saturday and her two darling girls. This daughter has a master's in counseling and understands very well what is happening here. She did not want to go to Easter at narcissist sister's house, so they made other plans. Saw other daughter and her two kiddos and of course her husband, and son and his wife for a bit on Sunday before they all went off to sisters house. Was a bit sad about that, but we had a very nice visit. Stayed home, fixed ham for dinner (won't even try to compete with Jeanne,s menus) had a friend join us.

SW sent an email to me and have sis spelling out how we need to treat each other and what we have both done to hurt the other. It was a good message to sis, if she decides to pay any attention to it. I realized tonight while I responded to that email that she and I have problems because I am the only person in her life that calls her out on some of her behaviors and then try to hold her accountable. But we all know those narcissists are never wrong :-O.

One thing that she had been planning is another to do cor Mother's Day. First SW told her not a good idea, then I followed it up with she needs to spend her time with her "dear" son. Sis is so odd it is never "my son", there is always some sort of adjective with it. And she us worried about what will happen to him when she and her ex pass since he is an only child. He is almost 19, sis is mid 50's. Made me feel like breaking out the violin, or rather, fiddle, cause she would never refer to it as that. She is just so full of herself, she is a licensed professional counselor, and calls her clients patients. Self inflated egos.

So, all in all, yesterday went well, a bit quiet, but will not go to sister's for a very long time, if ever again. Told her she owes me and my children apologies, as well as mom,s hubby, since he is very aware of what is going on, and that sisters placed a deposit on an assisted living apartment for mom and hubby to share, when he has told them he is not able to care for her any longer, without even mentioning it to him. Both sisters are completely wacko, then mix them together in the same bowl and you get a high overdose of narcissism.

Thanks for asking.

Alison~You hit a cord with me regarding my self esteem. I lack in that area because I was told I was useless and irresponsible.

I love gardening. I landscaped our backyard around 2001 with a bonus I received from my employer. Hubby hates yard word but will mow the grass for me. When things started heating up with my mom 3 years ago, I had to forego the yard and my photography.Back to my self esteem issues, I worked very hard in college to get an AA degree in plant science (which is more of an agricultural degree), but can be easily transferred to ornamental horticultural or anything with gardening. It is only an AA degree which really does not go far in the business world today but I worked hard to graduate with honors. Yes, I love gardening, and I would love to help you if I lived I close enough to do hands on as I love designing gardens.

Thank you for your post and understanding my self esteem issues as I am not sure that others have caught that as you have. Hugs to you!!

Sharyn, what about those big brown paper yard waste bags they sell in cheap bundles at hardware stores? I use those when I run out of room in the yard waste can. Please come help with my yard when you're done… its in such bad shape and I need to start in on it just as soon as I'm able to. I don't particularly like doing yard work, but have to admit its super therapeutic when I will actually do it. Hugs.

So much going on here in DYS thread lately… seems that way to me, anyway.

Sharyn, I do think you sell yourself a bit short with thinking that you don't have coping skills/detachment skills. You've had a lot of new emotional triggers come up in past few months. Anytime I'm going through the new load of crap life is dumping on me and around me, I loose all my confidence in dealing with it and pretty much hide away for a bit… which is why you won't see me on AC for a few weeks or months! You at least manage to keep talking and sharing about what is triggering you… I think that's a very healthy way to deal with things. I do really sympathize with niece's situation and extended situation of brother, sil, and the rest. Its tough because it seems like a "situation" thats been going askew for a long time before niece became ill. With her illness, now its just a heavy weight on an already not healthy dynamic. Does it sound like I understand the situation? That's what I've interpreted from your posts about it. And I also feel a bit sad that this tragedy is overshadowing your daughter's pregnancy… but its not like poor niece could choose otherwise. I hope and pray for good outcome for your family. Perhaps niece's illness will be catalyst for some big changes that have long been needed in bro's family. And of course, I think it stinks that you seem to work with a bunch of drama-loving and creating goofballs. Hugs and love to you Sharyn. I take you for granted on this thread sometimes because you do come across as managing very well. And I forget that you don't necessarily feel that way inside! You've mentioned it before that you feel you're not as far on your journey of detachment/managing/coping as you think you should be, but I have to agree with Veronica that you seem to be doing a great job given circumstances.

Bugga, your description about your daughter and you singing "True Colors" together while making beds made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I haven't a clue what challenges you face every single day with all that you have going on, but you're such a champion for finding the beauty and love in the midst of all of it. You might be my new heroine. :-)

Judda, one thing that popped into my mind when you said you wanted to buy a juicer but didn't have the money… juicers have got to be one of the most underutilized kitchen appliances. People buy them with grand intentions and the thing sits in the cabinet for years after its used once or twice. I would guess that your local craigslist may have them pop up for sale now and again, and at really discounted prices? This may not be true, but as a juicer myself and having many friends that juice - on the rare occasion, lol - just seems like the ideal device that people would get sick of not using and decide to sell secondhand.

Until next time. (((((hugs)))))

Hubby just wasn't wanting to take care of the backyard so instead of nagging him, I told him I would weed eat it as long as there is enough thread to do it as I get on a mission and don't like having to stop half way through it. He assured me there was enough...a 1/3rd way through i ran out, LOL!!! he went out for more then I ran out of space in the yard waste can. Gonna call the city tomorrow to see if we can have 2 cans since they only pick up yard waste every other week. I want my yard and garden back in shape.

Bugga once you learn to set boundaries it gets easier to set them with others and you will feel like you are taking your power back and at times it will be hard but as long as you continue to try it will work-the sky will not fall and you will get stronger as time goes on.

Hi Veronica,
Thank you for a warm welcome. I love hugs! :-)
Yes, I am a single mom. My daughter's dad passed on awhile back. My boys are grown ups now, their sister's heroes. They agree with you that I won't end up like my mom, they say I am too much of a self evaluator. I never thought of me that way before. I've never thought of me much at all come to think of it. I am happiest working with Bug and you are right she is my priority as are my sons. Right now my struggle is keeping mom at arms length so Bug can get through the last of her school year.
Thank you for inviting me to return. I want to learn more about boundaries, how to put them in place, and keep them functioning. Setting boundaries for your children is easier than setting boundaries for your parents.
I hope you have a good night and a sunny day tomorrow!
Bugga's mom

Veroncia~Thank you and hugs to you!! I am not at the same recovery level as Margeaux and Emjo, and I always appreciate their feed back. You have much to give us as well and I certainly appreciate what you post. I get more advanced info that way and it helps to mature more, rather than someone who does not have the patients to see us through to the end because they have already advanced beyond where I am at. This is why I stay on this thread more than any other thread. I have a lot to learn/grow but at the same time I have a lot to offer to those who are at the beginning of recovery. Thank you again for understanding, it means a lot to me. Hugs to you!!

Hi!
Thank you Margeaux & Sharynmarie for your words of encouragement.
I do have a daughter, Bugga, with Autism & ADD. We have a nice Social Worker who comes, and soon OT is coming back. The Psy. is new. Autistic children are known to mimic behaviors, I keep Bugga at a distance. My mom leads people to believe she is a BIG part of Bug's growth and education, but she isn't.

I don't know what my mom is. She acts like being sick is a competition. I know she has crones disease, she has congested heart w/ a pace maker, high blood pressure, and arthritis w/ nerve damage. These things she never complains about nor does she try to help. She gets around good, but lost her right to drive because of DUIs. She has been in & out of jail a few times for tantrums in public & DUIs. She over turned some chairs in a place & threw a sub a counter girl. That is mild compared to an electric knife to my bro's neck, accelerating the car toward oncoming trains. Stuff like that. She nags, gets comatose and ends up in ICU. I wish she would see a Psy. and get a diagnosis, have some quality of life before she dies.
It sounds like my mom can get around better than other patients here. She is more independent. She could even go with Happy Travelers at the Senior Center, it would do her some good.

My choice today is to be happy! I have "way" too many cats & a boxer who worry if I get down. Gotta love the pets! The sun was shining all today! I was so happy to hear from my oldest boy, he is in the Air Force. My next oldest boy started his new dept. position at work today, good dinner conversation! Bugga & I sang "True Colors" this a.m. making beds - she was happy. Then she read 4 whole chapters of "Old Yeller", plus other classes! Today was a great day!

Thank you ladies, it feels good to lift some weight off.