The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I guess there is no way other people can figure out what goes on in someone's head.
We can only see and hear what they choose to divulge. We may or may not have been through a similar situation but only the people currently in the trenches know how they feel and what skills they have to cope. Others can offer suggestions and share experiences but they have not been in another person's shoes or had their childhood traumas. A good therapist can be extremely helpful because they have the education and are taught the likely behavior of certain people with different diseases. However thay can not cure anyone. The individual has to want it and be prepared to do the work to achieve the goals. There also has to be a right time to be able to tackle issues. Most women can not and do not walk out of abusive relationships. My mother in law was in an abusive marriage and stayed for 62 years. The boys were also physically and mentally abused and hubby's therapist expressed horror she remained when she could have gone home to her parents.
The truth was that her parents would have sent her right back to her husband because divorce was not an option in those days.
We may think we know what people here should be doing and offer suitable advice but the questioner continues with the same old ways causing frustrations and some times anger on both sides. There is a panic and paralysis in many situations and this is made worse when the caregiver really cares about their loved one and fears for the consequences. Then there is the money but I won't go there.

Margeaux.
you seem to have come to a place where you know exactly what you personally are capable of doing. It is clearly quite wrong for any caregiver religious or not to critisise a family member however sweet they are to the patient. By your own admission your mom is low maintainance so the caregivers job is fairly easy. You on the other hand are older and can not cope with nights of interruped sleep so much that it affects your driving when you return home which of course is worrying especially in heavy traffic. Could Mom manage with a comode in her room at night so she does not need to make the expedition to the Br when you are there?

Sharynne,
We all have things we can improve on and learn but I think your coping skills are already pretty advanced. You are very thoughtful and put much effort into seeing the other person's point of view. Of course there are always new skills to learn but it is important to decide which ones will help us the most and when it is the right time to put them into action. Make no mistake you are doing a good job.

Thank you. Gosh, it seems like such a luxury for someone to ask me, how are you?

Progress: Mom seems over the uti thing, even though she doesn't seem "herself" again. She is tired and puffy faced and you can hear her breathing with difficulty. She complains of sinus congestions, sore joints and walks less and less. I really feel sorry for her but she refuses to try anything different. My friend John is a MD and ND and talked to her but she refuses to try any supplements.

I wish I had some money to buy a juicer and make her smoothies, but I don't have any. I have suggested that too but she is so stubborn and has no desire to learn anything new.

She is in decent spirits though because since I put an ad on craigslist in our area asking for drivers for an elderly mother, I got a list of 6 people now that she can call. She called ALL of them, excited about meeting these new people, and having some control over them! With her charming (a bit phoney, but how do they know?)
she gets to have new adventures until they or she decide to push away and she tries another. Kind of like a food buffet!

As long as she has a new face or a recently acquired driver or friend she acts like she is being rescued. The pattern is on the pedestal, off the pedestal. Meanwhile, I have time to get my work and life back! Thanks to craigslist. Just be sure to talk and screen them before the deal is on. So far people are agreeing to only getting $15 for 2 hours which includes gas! But that is far more than she ever paid me.

I brought her to the park today and we had a nice time for an hour or so. I am going to be away for 4 days this week, and so far, mom's reactions are easier than ever to handle. If there were no visitors or drivers she'd be having nasty temper tantrums by now, like she has done in the past 4 years.

We also found personal home companions, to do her bidding for 3 hours a week.
Mom turns 93 in June!

Margeaux~In regards to your post to Alison about coping skills, yes that is so true and I know I still lack in that area.

Regarding my niece, her story is that she is the youngest of my sil's 4 children and the only girl. She did very well in school academically. She wanted to go in the air force after graduation but they told her she needed to lose about 40lb. before they would accept her. She never lost the weight, got a job at McDonalds and met her future husband who she became pregnant with and the got married. She never worked after the marriage, and would not learn to drive. My sil enabled her to continue to be needy. In the mean time her husband was raised in a family from another country with old school values such as women do certain chores and the men, at least in the case of this family, do not work. My nieces husband did work for his father who started a lawn service business, but when his wife became ill and passed away 2 years ago, he shut the business down which put my nieces husband out of work. He has been claiming back issues since...he has learned from his father that men don't work.

There are dysfunctional issues on both sides and my sil enabling from her end. I totally understand having back issues or knee issues, but this man is only in his early thirties...he is working the system and due to his cultural upbringing, men have the power and my niece has not been motivated to stand her ground. Now because my niece's fil has health issues and is a widower, he refuses to cook for himself and my niece has been cooking meals for him while going through chemo and radiation treatments. Because my brother and sil decided to keep finances separate regarding their children, it is causing stress for my brother as he sees what his wife is going through....her stress at losing another child to cancer and with them both retired and my brother having his health issues. They are both on antidepressants but sil has not gotten into therapy yet.

Even though I see my brother hurting so much through all this and I know my sil is hurting as well, I am not too involved but it still hurts because I know my brother and sil are so loving and I see the stress it is causing them.

Thank you Margeaux for letting me explain this in more detail.
Hugs and Love to you
Sharyn

Looloo,

I completely forgot to comment about your brother.
My brother was married to his wife for about 30 yrs., well truth be told, he still is.
He too, and his wife have been beer drinkers for a long time. They've always been functioning drinkers, in that they both work. But I know the alcohol probably exacerbated some existing problems, since it usually does. So in essence the alcohol has always been in the background. Two years ago, my brother threw the wife out of the home. Well, she didn't return, which I can't say I blame her. She rented her own place a couple mos., later and they both have continued life like this.

I'm not close to him either. He's all about himself, and cause too many power conflicts in the family, since he was raised a the golden boy, by our parents.
He also lives quite far, so never had much contact other than holidays in the past at our folks home. But when this occurred, my controller sister, became so involved in his marital problems. One would have thought by the way she was reacting to his problems, that SHE was his wife, it was so sick. I did feel bad for them, but you could say this was in a very topical and general way. When I sensed my sister wanted for me to become more involved, I had to remind her, that no way, these are his and his wife's problems, and I had no business in those matters. It's two years later, my bro hasn't had the courage to sit down w/the wife to talk about anything. They're in marriage limbo right now. My sister will make a ton of excuses, even tried to point out that our SIL, is an alcoholic. Well, I had to point out to my sister, that our brother was too. A bunch of denial going on here.
But I've decided, that under no uncertain terms am I going to become involved in any of this. Besides, again, I'm not even close to him. He's a big boy, so he needs to figure out his own problems.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Looloo,
Welcome. I truly relate to your post, because I have almost the exact situation.
I don't live w/mom, my sister does. I live quite a distance in a metropolitan city,
so there's lots of traffic. If and when I have gone to do relief caregiving........it really takes for me to make quite a plan about what I can do the day before, then what time I'm to embark on the drive there, considering traffic. I've done the overnighters, and although mom nowadays w/ALZ, is quite low maintenance, she still gets up more than 2'ce throughout the night to walk to the bathroom, w/assistance. So that means if I do the overnighter, I don't sleep. I'm not a spring chicken, so in this condition I dread a long drive back to my place like I'm punch drunk, if you know what I mean.

I too, have obviously been painted to the hired cg's, as the neglectful daughter who doesn't come much to help out. Meanwhile we have 2 brothers that never have done any of this, now will my sister call upon them to do it, either. O.K., so that's the way it is. I however don't like the fact that there's been enough character assasination about me to the caregivers. Add to this, at least two of them are religious. I spent 3 days last two weeks going there, because mom was in the hospital, then was released. On the third visit, if you can imagine......my sis had a reception for a baptism of her grand daughter in mother's home. I thought this was a festivity that could have been held elsewhere, not mother's turf. But my sister thinks nothing about entitlement, as to how she and her daughter's have used mom's home, while living there. Mom stayed in her bedroom, w/hired CG. This CG, told me 2'ce how I should come and be w/mom as much as possible blah di blah. I responded to her, that I'd been there a couple of times the last several days. How could she know that, she wasn't there!
Not like she needs to know this either, it's none of her business. Although it did irritate me......I just smiled and added I'd done an over nighter. these. I do like her also, because she is very sweet and gentle w/mom.
But another CG, (who's no longer there), oh that one, used to get overbearing w/this. So just before she was let go.....she started to try the guilt trip. My response to her was, "Well, think about it.....if I'm here, then you won't have a job." O.K., maybe this was over the top, I admit it.....but she really ticked me off by then.

Yes, other people somehow feel entitled to make remarks to us, w/o knowing the full truth. Just take a deep breath if she tries this again, since you've said she does help out.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison,

You hit the nail on the head! Yes......coping skills are so important. Many of us don't come from that camp, unfortunately. I'm sure this is why often times other people who haven't lived this way, don't understand this part. We have to deconstruct the dysfunction by learning some coping skills.

The boundaries, the detachment, lowering our expectations, all of that
Oh yes, let's not forget what Emjo always says, "take care of you."

We're a work in progress,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad,

Where are you? How was your Easter?
I hope things went calmly for you.

Don't keep us in suspense, HAAH!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

This a slippery slope of sorts. I do understand better by what you have written, too.
Since your niece does not drive....then her parents decided to help giving them a vehicle, really the only one who can use it is the husband. Although it appears they've made this donation/ and unfortunately he decides to drive off to tend to his dad, definnitely also sounds as if there is some dysfunction going on between husband and wife. That's a bummer too.....I can understand in laws like your brother and wife not being good w/his lack of support in light of the fact they are coming forward to help them financially and w/the vehicle. I'm curious.....was your niece a stay at home mother and unemployed? What's the deal w/the husband?
I've heard about situations where one spouse w/not be supportive, as my mom did this behavior all her life. She had an extremely co-dependent relationship w/her narcissistic sister. Because of this closeness to her, our relationship, and dad's suffered, since mom was spending so much of her off time from work w/the battle ax. When our dad at 80, had to go get his protate checked, mom had a trip planned w/the sister to Texas. My sister and me thought naively that mom would want to stick around, even accompany dad to this, because the situation was such that he may need surgery. Well......mom didn't cancel her plans, and called my sister to ask her to go w/dad, and my sister did. We were soooo annoyed by this, especially that this was typical behavior by our mother. It's bad enough when key people don't lend support, or are just not there for a loved one. But certainly, turning their backs on us.....when someone needs us the most!

Oh, and I just wanted to say, that I never mind reading about your daughter's progress with her pregnancy. I did write about my sister relative to her grandmother participation. But my issue w/her is that she does it to show everyone, what a wonderful, dedicated grandma she has become. If she talks at all about the grandkids,it's always w/the message that she's guarded about her relationship w/them, because she doesn't want anyone else to get too close to those kids. In other words it's very possessive. Her negative feelings attached to it, are what I get tired of hearing. She becomes a charicature of herself, and when I watch her, it smells of desperation, that she's not going to have her place in the universe like a grandparent. Last time I had to witness this, I felt embarrassed for her, quite frankly.

About your job....WOW! You'd think that if manger's are going to mention your name, they'd be way more tactful so as not to mention you, while you're there.
I sure hope that that rude manager, who seems to think he knows it all, w/come to his/her senses.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi to all new posters! Every single post has the ring of truth, to me anyway, and somewhat of a common theme - that it IS very difficult for others to know what/why those of us who are children of dysfunctional elderly parents (or maybe its the aunt, sister, brother, etc. who interacts in dysfunctional way) have to utilize certain coping mechanisms, to protect ourselves. I've only really fully embraced this idea (that there must be detachment, etc. - some means of self-protection and coping) in past year and this thread has everything to do with that.

Looloo, I couldn't agree more that your mother's neighbor isn't getting the full picture, and I understand that your mother will use you as the "bad guy" to gain sympathy from the neighbor. It stinks that so many of us, who are otherwise really kind and decent people, get labeled and gossiped about in this way by our DYS family. I get so sick of hearing the latest about who I am and what I've done (always exaggerated and taken out of context to suit the gossiper's angle) from the gossip-grapevine. Its hurtful, and even more so in my case because I'm the only one who really stepped up to help the vulnerable elders that needed it and its cost me dearly on a personal level… I almost want to say that after nearly 3 years, I think I see a shift as my relatives begin to understand the level of personal sacrifice and dedication I've given to the situation, and the high cost I've paid… but these days I'm not counting on their approval or cooperative, kind behavior, ever. Even if I were given it in one particular circumstance, they would surely be the negative naysayers in the next occasion. Detachment works for me. Its not something I think I'll ever do perfectly, but I'm grateful its there and that I'm learning to use it.

Leigh, they do indeed seem to turn things into control issues, whether its on purpose or not. Looking back, this is only reason I can think of for many of the ugly incidences I've endured to have ever happened to begin with.

In my case, I did try to involve other family, to the point that I probably went overboard with broadcast-emailing every extended family member about happenings with my dad & grandma, asking for input... and what is ironic is that relatives wouldn't even read the emails but instead would just assume that I was/wasn't doing this/that or the other… there is no winning with DYS family, is what I'm trying to get at. But you guys already know that. ;-)

Have to go make lunch, its way past time and I'm starving… but hopefully not rambling… too bad… (((((hugs)))))

Leiqhk welcome you have joined a great group-your aunts may think they are helping but it was wrong to go ahead and ask the hospice nurse to talk to you without asking I think hospice should get involved with a family member but know it is not my place to make that decision what I did was to suggest a visiting nurse who I know would have brought the subject up not only for him but for his wife-my brother is dead set against a visiting nurse because the one time one was involved he was admitted to the hospital which needed to be done but now he does not trust visiting nurses so I have to let it go at this point-you might want to ask your Dad how he feels about hospice-many people are scared because they think that is the end which is not true now-they do get involved earlier than they use to do. You will know whether your father should be approached about hospice.

I will say more soon, just feeling so worn and emotional at the moment... My mother is a Narcissist and very twisted... but old age has made things worse... Her being nice is as rare as hens teeth... I dread all contact and has had a bad impact in most areas of my life.. I'm alone in all this, 3 half brother won't even see her, and my husband has to be talked into going to see her!... Desparate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi, I'm doing ok, just a little rattled. An angry. I wish I could walk away right now from my mother and brother, and compared to many, my situation really isn't that bad.
My brother and I haven't been close since we were probably 4-5 years old. He probably has Asperger's but was never diagnosed (this was in the late 60's, 70's). He's always had social difficulties, then as an adolescent he became angry, violent, and an alcoholic/druggie. He spent time in jail, etc. He's been sober/employed/functional now for probably at least 2 decades, which is great, and I'm proud of him for it. However, combine all his craziness with our parents' dysfunction and volatility growing up, and we do not have more than a cordial email relationship -- which, other than having no contact, is exactly how I want it to be.
Sorry I'm running long here -- I got an email from his wife yesterday saying that they were breaking up. It was upsetting, but as the day went on, I managed to get my emotional distance. I did email her back saying I was sorry, but take care, yadda yadda. This morning, I got an email from my brother saying all was well, they were just under stress, sorry for the drama. I emailed back saying 'no worries, take care.' Anyway, I get VERY panicky feeling the threat of being sucked in to greater involvement/contact.
Also, I sent my mother's neighbor an Easter card last week. She's the only person in my mother's life who is patient and tolerant enough to keep an eye on her, and I really do appreciate what she does. She called me this morning 1) to thank me; and 2) to nag me to visit, particularly to stay overnight. When I could finally get a word in, I explained that I've spoken to my mother within the past week, who has it in her calendar that I'll be spending the entire day with her in a few weeks.
This neighbor doesn't realize. No one EVER realizes, unless they've lived exactly what we've lived. I've put my foot down on doing overnights -- I've always hated them, and now, it's TOO MUCH for me. I can't stand to be around my mother that long, plus my schedule will not allow for it (I'm 3 hours away, work long hours, I have a dog that I can't bring with me, I have a spouse really don't see except for weekends, I do NOT have a maid, etc).
The neighbor told me that she's taking my mother to the dentist today to get a tooth pulled. I thanked her very much for doing that, and said my mother didn't mention it to me. The neighbor said "she doesn't want to bother you." That is NOT why, but I didn't get into it. My mother wants to be catered to, but not if it means she might appear frail to the person who wants her to go to AL! Plus, my mother is painting me as the 'mean daughter' to her neighbor. Believe me, they may have dementia, but they will continue to be as manipulative as they can. I'm irritated that I have to subject myself to nagging and guilt trips by this otherwise very helpful person. I thank her, and thank her, and calmly explain my plans for what a lovely time I'm going to have with my mother, how I'm taking a vacation day to do this, so hoping makes up for the lack of an overnight visit, blah blah blah....
Thank YOU all for letting me vent! :) Hope you're all doing ok today!

Bugga,

You have children, and Autism as far as what I know must take extra care, and I would hope not exposing them to chaos. I really feel for you in this situation. Could you get in touch with any kind of social services? Your mom is a senior, however from what you are describing her own contributory negligence should not be something that you allow in your household, with children.
There has got to be another way to approach your situation. Your kids should have priority here, not your mom.

She may have trials and tribulations, but what about you? You have them too!
Don't allow her to suck your energy, because you need it for other important matters. Believe me.....I really feel for you. I encourage you to seek out some avenues for your self, because if you don't put a stop to this situation right now, it can only become worse for you and your family.

My very best,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I had 3 questions over this holiday week end I wanted to ask on this site today! When I ckcd my email, someone had already ASKED THOSE 3 QUESTIONS! Imagine my excitement and joy! Aside from having inlaws with their own health issues & mother inlaw w/ dementia starting, my parents are failing fast (dementia & seriously ill) & my husb & I have a child with Down Syndrome. Some days I could just stand in the driveway & scream!!! My brother has no intention of helping other than sitting & talking. I agree this is a good thing, but to keep them in their home is going to require a lot more than talking. As with others mentioned above, I'm the obnoxious, bossy one, who insists on tackling difficult topics w/ ppl who have lived their entire lives with their heads in the sand. As with IadeeM, I have been true to myself & my own little family. I will do what I can, when I can, & WALK AWAY. This decision has been so incredibly liberating, I'm the happiest I have been in years. Yes, it's a train wreck, but as our attorney said, "You have to watch it happen, then help pick up the pieces, within your ability." There ya have it.

Buggamom,

Welcome.
Listen......going to tell you a story.
So a little over 2 yrs., ago I went for a visit to mother's. Mom has ALZ, and at that time was very over medicated, so wasn't tuning in at all. Then there was her older sister who had lot's of health problems, plus she was the narcissist, calling all the shots. They lived together, til my aunt died. My sister moved in to administer their care.

So on a visit, my aunt wanted to go to a restaurant to eat. So here I packed up these two elderly ladies into my car, which was a big project just doing that.
My aunt wasn't in control of her mobility as her feet were bad from Diabetes.
Then I have mother in a total stupor from the meds. So we arrive at this restaurant. I made the mistake of getting aunt out of the car first. She being the very aggressive type.....started to make way towards the restaurant, whilst I was still struggling to unbelt mom's seat belt, and then get her walker out of the trunk.
So now the two of them are w/their walkers. Well.....as I'm getting my purse, and locking the car.....these two old ladies literally tear out with their walkers, of course my aunt was leading the way. I had to yell, "Wait." I was so angry at my aunt......because mom just followed her lead. My aunt still had way more reasoning skills, or at least I thought she did. So now we're in the restaurant,
and my aunt is going to try to start some bizarre conversations w/me.
Later, when I had to repeat the parking lot situation, getting them back in the car,
I instructed my aunt to wait there w/mom, as I pulled the car close by the door of the business. As I brought the car around, I now saw my aunt, dart out w/walker in front of a moving car. Needless to say......that was the last time I took both of them to a restaurant.

I say there just comes a time when caregivers, although some think, they want to entertain the elderly.......they just become toooooo impossible given their behaviors to handle in public and social situations anymore. My sister kept taking them, but of course she did it w/the boyfriend. She told me of countless times they took both of them on long rides, then dinner. I know she went the extra mile, for our mom and all of that. But our aunt was extremely abusive, and didn't hold back in public; finally sis grew weary of this. One day, I asked my sister point blank. If our aunt behaves this way, why do you feel such a duty to entertain her?
She finally stopped these outings.

The only outings mother can handle, and I even wonder about those are when my sister takes her to brothers for a visit. But as of last two weeks, I doubt mom will leave the house. anymore. At least in mother's case, there are no aggressive behaviors, though.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you a window about taking an aggressive elder out in public. Might I suggest, that you make her something she hopefully likes at home?

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Veronica,

I'm referring to an intimate relationship, say a sister, relative or a friend and in some instances they just don't have first of all the listening skills, and would prefer to hand out rude, judgmental or insensitive advice. Sandwich after all is the one caregiving in her own circumstance. Her journey, sure may be similar to other's here.....it is never the less her own particular journey. So just happy to be a listener, and support her in the best way possible.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Juddabudda,

Hi, how are you?
Well.....I cannot take credit for that word, "pickle juice," that belongs to Sandwich. It's great! I certainly remember mother, her sister, (the battle ax),
reason I came here over 2 yrs., ago. Current day, my sisters in the pickle jar, too!
HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Juddabudda,

Hi, how are you?
Well.....I cannot take credit for that word, "pickle juice," that belongs to Sandwich. It's great! I certainly remember mother, her sister, (the battle ax),
reason I came here over 2 yrs., ago. Current day, my sisters in the pickle jar, too!
HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Your aunts may have thought they were doing their best to help you but you should have been informed before hospice just showed up. Both you and dad certainly need to discuss this and if he is still making his own decisions this is one he should make. Can you tell us a little more about his condition? Many people who often don't know a lot about hospice become very fearful when the subject is mentioned. Do not be afaid they are very supportive and will provide a lot of help with equipment and nurses and volunteers who can give you some free time. If you are not happy with the care they are providing you always have the option of discharging dad and possibly going back if he declines further. One major benefit is that you have 24 hour support from a RN for advice and a visit which can be very comforting. You are clearly very upset at this time and it is difficult to think clearly when things are rushing at at you in all directions. Take a deep breath. i don't think it is a case of big girl pants yet you know what you are doing you just need time. If you don't have POA for Dad get it immediately Without further information it is difficult to see if the aunties are trying to take control or be helpful. Other people will have a lot of input. There is nothing that others have not faced,
Blessings

I'm glad to see this topic....a place to get all this frustration out. I'm trying to make careful and thoughtful decisions for my father and his care but I feel like my aunts don't trust me to make the "right" decisions for him and all we end up doing is getting upset with each other when we disagree.

Today his sisters had a hospice nurse talk to me, which would have been fine if they hadn't surprised me with it and acted like the decision for hospice was already made and I was crazy when I became upset and wanted a chance to think about the details and to talk to Dad to see how he feels about hospice. He is of sound mind, he should have input on that decision.

I know it's ridiculous to be upset at them when they are trying to give us support and Lord knows I need it, but all it ends up seeming like is a fight for control. And then it all stresses dad out...I never had a ton of interaction with his sisters until now and it is obvious our personalities are clashing. By tomorrow I will have put on my big girl pants and sorted out how I will handle this, I'm just glad a place like this exists for the moments when I can't.

Margeaux~I am thinking my niece asked these hard questions regarding her prognosis as she has a 13 year old daughter's future to think about. Since her husband is not willing to work, what happens to her? My brother and sil are in a tough situation because if they tell their son-in-law how they really feel, they may loose all contact with their granddaughter. Even though my sil has been providing financial support for them, her husband still seems to think that he has the right to decide how their support is used..such as the care they gave them for my nieces dr appointments. Instead he took the car to see to his father's needs instead of his wife's needs. My niece is not without blame here as she never learned to drive nor has she worked. It is a tough situation and one I hope I never have to face with either of my children.

Buggamom~Your therapist should not make you feel guilty, either get another person who is more compassionate or see your PCP for an antidepressant. You didn't say what your mother's ailments are but the drinking with meds is a disaster waiting to happen. Many hugs to you as the bitterness and hopelessness is overwhelming. Come here as you will get support, hoping to read more from you.

Margeaux, I love that word, "pickle juice"!

Buggamom,
Welcome to the loving arms of AC. There are so many hugs here it seems as though they breed like rabbits.
You have survived so much already and are indeed a wonderful person. There is No way you will end up like your mother,so put that thought right out of your head.
Rule #1 on AC is take care of yourself and loose the guilt. The counciller you saw made you feel worse so find another one and keep looking till you find someone who can help you. You are paying the bill you deserve quality care.
Look at your priorities. There is you then there is your daughter, your sons and way down the list is your Mom. I am assuming you are a single Mom so hubby is not on that list. Have you talked to your Dr about medications for your depression? Visit often this group really cares. Blessings.

Hi. I am new at this. I will try not to ramble. Reading, I found familiarity. I used to be nice, lately I find I am becoming - bitter and hopeless. I tried therapy but it made me feel guiltier. I speak when I should not, then I feel even worse. I feel I am not a very good person, I want to be. I cry a lot. I don't even want to take my own mom to dinner anymore. I am scared she'll “loudly” say something derogatory about the other customers. My mom is prone to tantrums: throwing things, screaming, hitting, lying, etc. Things like that can be confusing for autistic children. My daughter has worked long and hard to get where she is today. Hard as the last 13 years have been for her, she is the most remarkable child. As are my sons who have been the best brothers any sister could hope for. Even though they have their own lives to lead, they are there for each other, and for me, which is why I found my way here today.
Reading the posts by "Sandwich" was like reading excerpts from my own life, with slight differences. My dad mostly stayed gone. My mom isn’t in a Care facility. I took care of my drug addicted brother even after he robbed us multiple times, and ruined me financially. The end came when he threatened to harm my, then infant, daughter. At the same time I kept being there for mom, and working 40 hours a week.
She is now 75, I have never known another way of life. The worse thing she can say about her family isn't bad enough. Mom has real trials & tribulations with health, yet drinks beer with her meds, over takes her meds & gets loopy. She doesn’t take care of what she does have. She continues to make up new things. Several doctors have told her she needs psychiatric care. She won’t go and insists she is “not crazy”, and that they are; if her family would leave her alone she’d be okay. So we give her some space and BAM that is wrong too.
I sit for hours sometimes everyday listening to her yell and hate everybody. It has been like this for years. For 2 months I get in a place and can’t focus on helping my daughter with school, I get short tempered and frustrated with her instead of being supportive. I snap at my son for no reason causing him to feel bad about himself. I’m a 2 time cancer survivor, going on 4 years. I used to bounce back and now I haven’t been able to. Thanks I just wanted I don’t want to end up behaving like my mom. It is wrong.

Margeaux,
I think it all comes under the heading of "people just don't want to know" you know how people disappear when someone suffers a loss or maybe a serious illness. They may visit once or go to a funeral but after that they simply disappear or avoid the person. it seems to be part of our culture not to get involved because people feel it might in some way be contageuos.
I don't know how people in other or more simple cultures behave towards those who are in distress
In our modern society everyone is so busy they rarely have the time or the inclination to remain in contact with someone who is suffering. I believe the peole who come here as in particular those who stay are a different sub group and maybe of an older generation in general so have more life experience. that is not to say our younger caregivers do not have the empathing to take on the care of a loved one. The feeling we share here are very personal and we don't expose these to healthcare professionals in general. We may talk to therapist and devulge more information because ths professional has the training and hopefully the experience to ask the difficult questions and provide a safe environment to share.
I find more and more that when I visit my PCG I first have to tell the receptionist why I need a appointment then the nurse maybe more these days some sort of medical aide. I don't want to tell the world that I am having sexual difficulties so I will say my haemorroids are painful. if I have a cold that of course would be a different matter. (Examples only please) But you get my point about communication and the reasons we don't want to share and the empathy we crave is with held. many times your pain brings back bad memories for others or they are fearful one of their family member is in danger of dying the same way.
People are not totally bad and have demonstrated the ability to help others when there is a major catastrphy and there are others to join so it feels that there is safety in numbers. Did anyone else see the video of the rat on the NY subway. Everyone was screaming and jumping on the seats no one man or woman yelled some one kill it. if that thing had bitten anyone they would have been in extreme danger of very serious illnesses from rabies down. no everyone folled the hysterics. I may add that I would have been up on a seat with the rest of them.
Maybe I should just erase this it does not seem very helpful to those who feel others can't feel their pain and maybe they are right

Sandwich,

I really understand what you're saying, re: "there's no reciprocation, and about your level of forgiveness being low." Not forgetting is paramount, for we.....who have to think on our feet when it comes to dealing w/narcissists, or other mental diseases.

Well, I'm very happy to see you back here. Yes, you're so right about people who just don't understand. Why should they, too? Many of them have not experienced what you are going through! Trying to share some of the struggles of a caregiver,
w/the general population.......I've learned that it just doesn't go over well w/many people. Actually, this is why I come here too.
Good for you, focus on the good things in your own life. Often I think that people, just have to be so mindful of not getting sucked into other people's bad vibes, anger and the pickle juice. I used to confide to a cousin about some of the bitterness, anger I had w/in my household, w/mother, my sister, and mother's sister. He'd say, "They had such bad moods, if we didn't watch out, they were contagious." I took this as his beautiful words of wisdom, and use it as my inspiration, of what not to get sucked into. Bottom line......these are our own decisions about how we want to view, the difficult people in our lives.

Hope your day is peaceful!
Magical Bunnies,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Lynn~Blessings to you as you journey through this rough time. It is a difficult situation especially when others in the family won't help. You sound like you have a good attitude...just make sure you can take some respite time if possible...Hope to hear more from you.

Sandwich~I am glad you came back. I agree with emjo, some things remembered helps us to avoid the pit fall again. Keep taking care of yourself as a priority.

Joan~ Such happy news about looking for rings and getting married. Working through the difficulties as you and G have is great. His children won't be present, that is sad but hopefully they will come around in time.

Veronia~I hope my niece can have as normal a life as possible under the circumstances. Her bladder was not involved...but my concern is it will return in the liver as it did with her brother. She will be following up with chemo again which her brother did not do after his first surgery because the drs were so sure they got it all, they did not recommend it. She is being treated out of Stanford University, even though they "are the experts here in Cali" it doesn't mean they are right all the time. She is suppose to be released tomorrow and will be staying with my brother and "sil who is her biological mother". My brother has been married to sil for 27 years, so her children are his own as well.

My daughter's pregnancy is the highlight of my life right now and I don't want to bore everyone with constant details.

Today was a sucky day at work as I literally "hate" this store I am working at. This is the 4th store I have worked at...and they don't do anything like what we are really suppose to do...I know every work site is different. I am so angry that I will be calling the union again on Monday. The store manager was in our dept. and he asked me where I live, I told him...then I said and...I want to go back there. His response...you don't like us? I said no, that is not it, my mother has Alz and I need to be in my home city to help her. He said, I get it. Then about 30 minutes later, he told someone else, well, Sharyn doesn't like us so she doesn't want to be here. It really p!$$ed me off, and before I could tell the little B@$t@rd off, a co-worker said, that is not true, she just wants to be closer to her mother to be able to help her...again, he said, I get it. Really? Do you get it or is it just something for you to jest about because that is your personality? The district manager was suppose to come in today but didn't show up. I was really disappointed because I wanted to talk with her about getting me back to my city. Last week when i was working at my old store, she was in and the deli manager talked with her...I heard my name mentioned 2 times and the word permanent. I will still be calling the union on Monday as next week i only get 28 hours with 5 hours commute time; Not gonna work. I am off tuesday and am thinking of calling in sick on wednesday then I am off again on thursday. I am tired of the young woman who has 10 years seniority and all she does is complain, I am tired of having to go everything around here and no one helps me. Well speak up girl, what do you want me to do to help you..I have told her that...then she says, it is not your fault. Go figure!!! My rant after a bad day...

Have a good Sunday, whether it be Easter services, family get together's or friend get together's ....enjoy some peace and don't knock yourself out for those who will never appreciate it in the long run.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) sandwich. I know it is hard."No justice, no fairness, no reciprocation. And that is simply the way it is." Yes, it is. If I am present when my mother dies, I fully expect to hear the sharp side of her tongue before she goes. It s the way she is. It sounds like you have built a good life, which I know from personal experience, takes work. I forgive my mother regularly, but I don't forget. I think I can't forget and I believe that I need to remember some things in order to try to avoid them in future - to protect myself. I try not to dwell on them, but sometimes life triggers some ugly memories. The loss is ongoing.
Looks like you are looking after you - keep it up!

Hugs and blessings

I want to thank everyone who sent hugs and kind notes to me. I really do appreciate it. Yes, this is really the only place to safely vent. Honestly, anyone else is either totally inappropriate, can't do anything to help me, or it would soon become quite boring to hear because they don't understand what this is like.
The other ones jump in with judgmental finger wagging, prescriptions for how I ought to be handling everything, and highly confident solutions, after maybe knowing me 5 minutes. These are the folks that always tick me off and push a trigger because it's unfounded and extremely unwelcome criticism, which is what my mom does.

This venue is specifically for shared experiences, happy, sad, tragic, funny, personal, victorious, everything, even weaknesses. Without judgement, which is the most important part because all of us have to put on a happy face and stiff upper lip for so much of the rest of the time. This is the only place to really tell it like it is with half a hope somebody else is in the same boat.

The part that is unfair is that there will never by any psychological satisfaction for me. No justice, no fairness, no reciprocation. And that is simply the way it is. There are people who die too soon every day, who would have given anything for just one more day to be a blessing to someone, and there my mother sits, resentful to face another sunrise, full of vinegar and bile, pre-pickled in her own anger and hate.

My capacity to unconditionally forgive is pretty limited right now, but I try not to dwell on it. I love my family, my kids, my friends, lots of hobbies. I have worked to make myself and life as different from my mom's as humanly possible. It's sad that any sort of positive qualities she had once upon a time, long, long ago, and far, far away are completely gone forever. I can think of maybe 3 times I remember her being kind.

I do a lot of meditation and consciously choose to have a positive outlook about life, even though some really sh___y things have happened. Buddhist Boot Camp has helped significantly, as have some counselors over time. As well as good anti-depressants and a good doctor.

I seek the happiness in small moments with people every day. I look for the positive, and make sure I don't get bogged down in my own head, like mom always has. I volunteer, I do a lot with my husband's family, our friends. Life is too short to sit around and be mean, hateful, and a dried up old piece of buffalo jerky.