The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

margeaux - thanks - Just spoke to one son and dil and they are willing to put their differences aside so we all can be together on the day. Now to speak to my daughter about it. What a relief. Hope daughter is OK with it.

On another note, their grandmother on their father's side just died. She had Alz for over 20 years. and did very well until a couple of years ago. Recently she developed gangrene in her legs and was in pain, despite medication, so her passing is a blessing. Their dad has Alz too, but is responding very well to meds.
I will look for the living oils

Have a good day everyone.

Sharyn, thinking about you niece. The cancer had obviously got so bad she had to have the extensive surgery she underwent and it would be nice to get rid of the colostomy and they do take a while dietry experiementation to stabilize but are not impossible to live with once you get the hang of it. Some people manage to get a good bowel movement by massaging their bellys in the morning and are not bothered all day. i don't know where you are but there areclinics in many places with specially traine nurses who can help her manage it. She will of course have a surgically induced menopause if her ovaries were also removed and it was probably too risky to leave them. I also don't think they would want to give HRT because that will encourage further cancer growth. There is also the risk of early osteporosis. My feeling is that she should be seen by an experienced Oncolgist so that all the risks and prognosis can be explained having been told the cancer will return before she has another major abdominal sugery for the hit and miss possibility that the colostomy could be removed and normal function resumed. this is very much a time to assess the quality of life that she may have left rather than fruitlesss treatment making her remaining time miserable rather than having some quality time before the inevitable happens. It may already be time for hospice assuming you have a good one locally. She poor girl has only been told half the truth and it is only fair to her to be given the whole story. The surgeon was in there only he knows how much he was able to remove. These cancers are very gressive especially the younger you are. You said it was a rectal cancer but it had already spread to the uterus. Is her bladder still uninvolved. I think you said she was going to convalesce with your sister and BIL can they intervene to help her get the right treatment. I would be "off" that surgeon. Has she considered Cancer Treatment Centers of America? No personal experience there but anything is worth a try as she is so ill. Blessings

Emjo,

About the oils, you can look them up on the internet.
The founder of the company, had serious problems and it helped him.
So he devoted his life to this company.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

How exciting! It gives me butterflies. about you and Gary!

The oils are good. I was using high grade oils, too. When I get some extra money I want to buy a kit, which contains some basic ones that address different conditions. The ones I used are Young Living Oils. They seem to be the top of the line as far as oils are concerned, and smell wonderful. You can even learn to make mixtures,, tailor them to your needs.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Lynn,

I feel that with some caregivers there's certainly an amount of resignation,
and if you are o.k., with it....more power to you, and whatever your belief system is to assist you. But don't hesitate either to seek out some help. Often caregivers believe that they are the only ones who can do the job, and there can be burn out. If you still have children to raise, you must think of them also in this.
Time passes quickly, and parents can't recapture those years.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

To correct above it is a classmate from HS who's wife died that I called on the phone -we are having our 55th HS reunion this year - we only knew each other by sight in HS and it is so great to be in love with a nice man I never expected to be happy ever again-after being miserable for so many years.

Lynn I am sorry you are going through so much-I hope your caregiving days are over soon. I had it rough with my late husband -4 yrs. after he died I saw online that his wife had died. I called him to say I was sorry and two months later we went out for coffee and soon after we were in a relationship-that was a year ago March He's so nice and kind-my husband was very abusive-I took care of him 16 years -while he was very disabled. There is life aftercargiving

Thanks for the good wishes all. G and I decided very early on that we were headed for marriage, but we had to be sure we could make it work, as neither of us want another disaster. We feel that we have that confidence now. It has progressed to us actually looking at ring sets - in rose gold. I am not going with
diamonds except maybe as an accent. They are supposed to last forever, but that hasn't worked for me We will not be too traditional, but do what we want.

Glad - dysfun fams - likely none of Gary's kids will come as it would upset their mother!!! We will have a good time anyway. Happy you got vindicated in this whole process. There is some satisfaction in that.

Austin - it sure could happen to you and your guy!!!

lynnstrong - be sure to look after you.. Caregivers can acquire health issues if they do not look after themselves as it is such a demanding job.

myname - I am so sorry for all you have gone through. Did you ever charge your brother? I hope you get some help for all the trauma you have been through (((((hugs)))))

Alison - it does seem that detachment is the only answer. I wish it were otherwise, but have not managed anything else. Are you any closer to getting out of that house to a healthy environment?

Margeaux - you find that aromatic oils help the sinuses. I must try some.

Sharyn - prayers for your niece and family. I hope she can have some quality of life restored. So much more difficult when she had problems that were untreated in the past. What a roller-coaster with your daughter and new babies coming and your niece and her health issues.

veronica - so hard to know the right thing to say when a patient is that ill. There are few absolutes and it seems wrong not to leave some hope, yet there are times when the truth is kinder in the long run. I would not like a surprise like your friend got - no way!!! G and I will work it out together. Re new traditions - absolutely - one way to survive.

juddha - I am glad you are getting to a place of detachment. Keep your distance, and build your own life separate from hers. What I have always said about mother is, "Give her an inch and she will take a mile". I can't afford to any more as the encroachment is too stressful. My love for my mother is being expressed by me taking care of her medical and financial affairs. I may visit her next week, but reserve the right to not do that to protect myself. My well being is as important as hers. Glad counselling is helping.

bunny (sharron) -what a horror having your bro given POA and executor. Bet it makes you fee like washing your hands of it all. Wealthy and she won't pay for a meal she planned. Being sarcastic here- maybe that is how she got wealthy. Is it time for you to step back for your own good? It all sounds pretty
dysfunctional and NOT fun!

book - take care - hope father is not getting more difficult

Making raw veg and raw fruit smoothies - tasty and very filling. I feel I need an internal freshener. I have added celery and spinach soup to my veg soup repertoire. Still too windy to walk much outside, so I do 30 mins around the house at a decent speed. It does make me feel brighter.

Hi to anyone missed

Take care all and do something good for you today!

Joan I am happy for you-I always thought I would NEVER remarry but with my great guy it would not be impossible-it does get complicated at my age-one of my friends from HS was married to a fellow in our class and a few years after he died she met a nice man and is engaged for many years but is not going to get married.

Alison,

It must be the time of the season.....because this week, I was under sinus attack.
Mine gets aggravated when we have cloud cover, which we've had.
A few years ago, I was using some aromatherapy oils. I need to get back to this,
but have you ever used an atomizer? I never have, but had a friend who had mold issues and would use high grade oils. Some were anti-fungal, one of the oils was
Lemon Verbena, and a wide variety of others.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux-i agree this thread is for people to come and vent their anger. Maybe I didn't state that clearly. For many who are caregiving 24/7 going to couseling is not an option. I hope sandwich comes back as venting here and getting support is the first step. I didn't read anything in your post that would have upset me ..so no worries. I too have come here in anger venting about my mother and my sis. I would never tell someone they have no right to their anger.

My niece has more surgery in the future as they plan to hopefully reattach the intestines if there is enough tissue.


Your words of getting caught in your sister's web and not being one of her flies ga e me a chuckle as I know what mean.


Have a good weekend!

Im 36 yrs old but I feel like Ive aged 10 years since August of last year. I was raising my children, trying to find a job and struggling to pay back school grants so I could return and graduate. I get a phone call that I need to come to grandmothers due to her behaviors. So I did just that not knowing it would be indefinitely. Im still here caring for her 24/7, without any type of relief. Its hard and at times very frustrating. My three brothers decided that being I was the only girl, I should be the caregiver. I was struggling inside with that decision until my grandmother begged me not to place her in a home. She wanted to live out the remainder of her life in the home that contained 5 generations of memories. I could understand that and I made her a promise...she would remain at home. I have battled each stage of the alzheimers with her, learning the procedures as I go. The Alzheimers Association became my best friend-calling them for constant support. All of this was foreign to me so I gave 100% in committing myself to her well-being. I never know how each day will be. It is a journey. Yes I wish the family would help but their lives seem to be more important. One thing is for sure...we may all need someone to help us before the end. And even though my body seems run down and I feel tired and sad and lonely; I know that my Father in heaven has and will strenghthen me. I am here for a reason so I can either accept that or walk out. I have chosen to accept it. In any situation we must continue to push forward, relying not on our own strength but of Jesus Christ. Do you honestly want to spend needed energy on what the other person(s) are or are not doing?? You will be blessed for being compassionate and loving towards that person who needs you. Read Proverbs 3:5-6. May God bless you and keep you in good health.

Myname,

Whenever I've read a post such as your's, it has got to be one of the most difficult situations a woman has lived through. I'm honestly at a loss about what to say to you in your circumstance. But I would encourage you to seek out some professional help, concerning the sexual abuse. It sounds as if you have been carrying this around for a very long time. There are professionals who could help you with this.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

On my post about great advice to Sandwich, I wrote something about, "an engaged caregiver," this doesn't mean that you are not an engaged one either, nor anyone else. I just wanted to be clear about that.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hubba that was a wonderful post. You are such a brave woman going forward and learning to deal with your life. You have not wasted a second on self pity,but have used your past awful experiences to give you the strength to build your own life without abandoning your Mom. Thank you for posting something so inspirational.
I learn so much every day on this site that I wish I had known earlier in life. Maybe there is an advatage in aging after all.
Today is one of the most if not the most sacred days of the Christian Year so let us remember the reason we remember it and celebrate Easter.
Holidays are just that not Holy Days. We are driven by commercialism to spend a lot of money and have extravagent feasst but my feeling is not to open old wounds or indeed inflict fresh ones. I feel we should do things our own way not what others expect of us and enjoy the peace. Of course the children need to celebrate and if you are the granparents that is good reason to hang the decorations but if you are going to be away with family why do it if it brings back bad memories. far better to volunteer your time to help others have a good time. No offence to anyone of a non Christian faith who may be reading this because I am ignorant of your traditions. Make new memories and new traditions. Don't invite those who share your DNA but not your outlook on life. If you must visit the narcissist in your life get it over with early in the day and spend the rest of the time pleasing you. Use your senses they are free. Go to a garden center and smell the flowers. Walk the dog across the fields and smell the fresh air (take your allergy meds first) Read a good book - even if it is a trashy novel - this is about relaxation. Turn off the TV. Play some music (I won't be doing that as I hate music) Buy a scented candle and light that.
Make yourself a meal and eat it in the sun - even if it is a TV dinne,. do a good deed. it is your time to do what pleases you not work your self into a frenzy. Take a pill if you have too - mental pain needs soothing too. Hugs and blessings

Sharynmarie,

Wow! Your niece is really going through a difficult time, as well as the whole family. So they did a hysterectomy? Mother had one, and it really messed or brought the Menopause on, I'm sure earlier. That was nightmare time for dad, my sister and me.

Poor woman, the doctor telling her something like this. Maybe this should be a question, such as a family decision. But for a bafoon Dr. just to say this,
for crying out loud. What hope they give someone such as your niece. She really does not need to hear this. Then, to top things off the husband, oh dear!

I realize how radical the treatment is for colon cancer, since my dad had it.
He was in his 80's. Well, who knows......but let's hold out some hope, too.
I just don't think it's right for anyone, be it a doctor, or other's to deprive someone in your niece's condition some hope. I think in these circumstances, silence is golden, too, just being there w/that person.
Oh, my sister, you know I have come to the realization, that for me......there's no truly working w/her. I'm working around her, that moves things along for me, and I don't get caught in her cobweb. I refuse to become one of her flies, she thinks she's going to trap. HAAH!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

This is great advice you gave Sandwich. I still feel that possibly for her.....right now even if as you've said she's not ready for recovery, which truth be told this is an ongoing process. Anyone of us, including myself have come here very angry.
Maybe for her in the "right now," this is the only place for her to come and just let it all hang out. I've read many posts using this tone before, and the only thing I can say....especially for engaged caregivers such as herself, they are putting up w/the most trying aspects of caregiving......so this I hope still provides for her a safe place to vent away. We know that at the bottom of it......no matter if some of our stories even may sound rather shocking especially when we are telling the unsavory truths about a narcissistic parent, she's who is still doing the do, and caring for them has got to have that person's concern in the middle of it.
I have hopes that people in this situation will work through whatever it is, be it anger, resentment and the like. Anyway, In essence your goals are good, and I know they're genuine. The rest of us here, should also be willing to really listen, and be truly empathetic.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Myname, I hope you don't mind my saying so but you sound a bit depressed. I figure you wouldn't have posted here if you didn't realize that others have been down a similar path as you… as in, we've all experienced the deep hurt that comes from dysfunctional families… and you feel this is a safe place to talk about your feelings. I hope you can start to change things around, become more involved in activities you enjoy, reconnect or spend more time with friends who do care about you. Sometimes our family is just a DNA connection… I'm sorry for you, for your experiences.

I'm not quite awake yet, and man am I congested and foggy. I need to get used to the notion of extreme allergies, for right now anyway, and start doing anything and everything to boost immune and protect myself. I've been thinking I need an otc anti allergy, too, maybe.

I'm trying to get it together. But three illness whammies in past 30 days have been no fun at all. There is still so much thick, dark dust bunnies and dust coatings in this house. This after I've wiped down every surface multiple times. But HVAC ducts got a good clean, air purifier is on the way, and Spring is almost here with enough warmth to throw open every window and air this place out. I CAN'T WAIT. :-D

Took some time and read through missed posts. There's a lot of pain here in this thread. I can absolutely relate to wanting and desiring civil/cordial relationships with family, but never seeming to actually put that type of relationship in place. I guess you could use the adage "the best indicator of the future is the past." I realize that I have long been expecting, at least on some level, that the relationships I have with family will somehow mature, develop, change, improve. But largely, they haven't. And I have to agree with emjo that I am my first priority to take care of. And gosh darn, my family can just be so viciously hurtful at times… really crossing lines… and there's no warning when those things will happen. Its always a surprise, I get emotionally thrown for a loop, and repeat the same pattern of just being so hurt and angry. I've tried, in the past year, to take emotions out of my interactions with family. Sometimes I fail, but when I do, I pay the price. I cannot have expectations of them or be disappointed by their actions unless I just want to be yanked around. So, detachment is only option, unfortunately.

Happy Friday, all. Hope you have a great day! (((((hugs)))))

I cared for my alcoholic, narcissistic mother for the last 3-1/2 years of her life. My five siblings did nothing to help. When she died, the oldest brother in the family told the other siblings that I had cared for Mom to get at her money (she had none), and that I was an impaired drug addict (using medical cannabis for intractable pain since back surgery in 1972), and that I now wanted the family to care for ME because I was too lazy to go back to work and support myself as I had done for decades before caring for Mom. I've been in a wheelchair for over 20 years, and had been violently sexually assaulted by this brother. (He also molested one of my other sisters - we never told anyone). The whole family believed his lies and ostracized me from the family. No one in the family of 26 blood relatives have spoken to me since Mom passed over 3 years ago.
While care for my mother, I promised myself that if I could just stay physically healthy until Mom died, that then I could die as well. Death is the only thing I look forward to after this soul-crushing experience.

Hubba-you sound like you are headed in the right direction in your recovery. Detaching and setting boundaries helps a lot in reducing the pain. Because my mom most often behaved when not in her territory, having holiday dinners at my stopped her remarks or out bursts toward me. Do what you have to during holidays...moms like ours see it as their day only. Like my dad used to tell my mom..
"If Jesus stood before you and said you are wrong, you would call him a liar".

Glad- I have some very fun.y things. On the dinner thread I typed inadequaint sandwiches instead of chicken salad sandwich. I guess I should use my computer but since crocheting I don't go in the room.

EMJO,
missed you. Wow, rings? I just cannot imagine walking down the aisle again. I'm in the why in the world would I even consider it mode!

I don't think SW is trained in narcissism either. Though when we first started working with her, she said that there may be a bit of narcissism there. Now, she wholeheartedly agrees and is asking sis some very good questions that will be very difficult for her to answer. And she is also having some problems with POA sis. The old ways of not responding to e-mails, not sharing important health information, etc have started to return. The SW is actually limited guardian, she talked with my attorney this week, and they are talking full guardianship now as sister just does not have the time, and will not relinquish the power in spite of instructions to do so for a variety of reasons.

It is so strange to think about now, but when SW first was appointed I was frightened and afraid she would find something wrong with mom's living situation in her home of 50+ years with me caring for her. SW has now told me that she met with vindictive sisters before she met with me, mom and her hubby. Geez sisters gave her an earful! So she came in here looking for something wrong, didn't find anything other than I should be getting more respite time, and left here wondering what in the heck is wrong with this situation and what are my sister's problems.

Now, that did put some fun in dysfunctional!

Sharyn, It isn't just the kindle, tablets of any variety are difficult to type on. The one I liked was cameo instead of can do.

Thank you sharynmarie for your words to Sandwich, "if your mother was not mentally ill she would not have abused you." This applied to my mom and to my sister and I who were abused verbally, and physically. Since I have been Mom's only caregiver I have chipped away at my own rage, grief, love and hatred. So many old wounds of a young child or teenager not knowing why I was in such a crazy household! The images come back every time I hear Mom's sarcasm or hear her order me around. I have gone to a counselor which is most helpful: just in telling the stories and airing feelings that were forbidden to have a voice. Now I am in the making firm boundary stage, very guarded, but trying to allow my love to seep through the old anger and grief. If I give her an inch she tries to devour my life somehow in various ways. Yes, she is troubled and always has been. I have never viewed her as evil: she was scary but not really cruel: when she beat us she was out of her mind, out of control, and was in total denial. The more I see her as mentally disturbed probably from her own birth (her mother died when she was 3 months old), the more I can feel compassion for her, even love, but just HOW to respond to her is still a puzzle to me. Mostly I grunt, "uh-huh, oh isn't that nice," and let her have the one way conversation she can only do now at 92.

I hate the holidays. I don't know how to celebrate them with her, I don't really want to, and yet I do love her and know her days are numbered. I try to see the good side to her and try very hard not to hurt again and again with her thoughtless or manipulative remarks. I have created space for my life: got helpers so I don't have to see her often, and that helps a lot!
Pray for your own peace and seize that silence like rain on parched earth. Then, if you have to, or if you choose to, go and try to stand with your sister and mother, try to feel your love. But if you can't, give it to yourself!

I agree Veroncia...drs do tend to protect themselves for malpractice suits...I witnessed that with my mom's PCP. He never said the word dementia or Alzheimer'a,,,instead he used "memory loss" when my mom was present. We had to take mom to a neurologist, which is understandable, but the PCP physician would never recommend it. When I told him this is what we were doing, he said that is a good idea...really? Malpractice suits are rampant here in Cali....not my families style but the drs dont know that.

Back to Drs and prognosis. What really gets to me is when someone asks the question "How long have I got Doc?' and then gets a vague reply like "at least three months or probably a couple of years yet" Three weeks later the patient pulls the nurses head down and says "If I ask you a question will you tell me the truth?' "Am I dying?" passing the buck really makes me mad. I was a third year nursing student and a patient came back from the OR on life support. The husband had been called, the chaplain gave his blessing. The surgeon said to the Sister "Turn off the machine now Sister" The Sister turned to the staff nurse and said "Turn it off staff" Then the staff nurse turned to me and said "Switch it off nurse" When difficult decisions have to be made at least have the guts to follow through with the action. I would never and have never told anyone else to carry out an action I was afraid to do myself. That is what annoys me not so much what people should be told but that whatever it is it should be the truth and responsibility taken.

Joan rings how romantic. A friend in th=her late 50s was taken on a vaction to las vagus. One morning he told her to put on a good supporting bra and comfortable shoes. There would be a tour bus at the hotel door and they were to join a group walking in the foot hills for the day. Well she did as she was told but when they got to the front door there was a limo waiting and she was whisked away to choose a wedding dress and all the paraphenalia and finally to a cute chapel and ended the day as a new MRS. Now I don't think I would have been pleased but she thought it was the bees knees or the kippers knickers as the sayings go at least in my part of the world. I got an email a couple of days later containing a picture of the happy couple. he never tells he where they are going just what to pack the night before (bikini or snow suit) A least it solves the problem of who not to ask to the wedding. so way to go Emjo. We did get new rings in time for our 50th.

sandwich ((((((hugs))))) it is such a hard road. I gather your mum is in an AL. Will they not find out about her circumstances? It is so hard as they want us - flying moneys (love that phrase) to clean up their messes physical, emotional etc. There is only so much one can do and sometimes it has to get worse before the professionals will step in. Mother's apartment was clean and tidy but her mind was a mess with paranoia. If I had tried to "fix it" and straighten her out, it would only have postponed the inevitable and would have taken a bigger toll on me. Refusing to enable her, made her problems evident to the professionals sooner. My kids were in agreement. She is now in a psychiatric hospital where she belongs, taking the meds that help her, and will be moved to a mental health facility where the staff are trained to deal with her. It can't happen soon enough. If I get crazy phone calls, I will block her number or change my number. I can't allow that stress any more. I wish I had taken a firmer stand earlier, but we learn as we go. Hopefully life will continue on a calmer basis now. I will breathe a sigh of relief for her and for me the day she dies. She wishes she had already died.
Look after you!!!

Emjo,

Good to hear from you.
I hope you get better from the sinuses.
Ummmm coconut milk, that's tasty.

The family gatherings! I'm boycotting some now. HAAH!
Why do we have to absorb this person doesn't like the other, etc.
What a bunch of work.

Wow1 Rings??? That's great!
My husband, sneakily got the size of my ring finger before he popped the question to me. I still don't know when he did this.

My motto nowadays is, "Just say no." HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Joan-i am glad you caught my humor....my niece and family would approve. Without humor we are sunk.