The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

rectal music performance??? Now that gave me a laugh.

Sorry, sharyn, I am very sad for your niece's situation and know it is terribly hard on her and the family.

Alison - Sinus sufferers -I am one especially the past few days. I think it is snow mold and/or dust in general as the snow has pretty well melted, but the grassy areas have not died up yet, and also we are having high gusts of wind. I am trying fruit/veg smoothies. I don't have a juicer, so the blender has to do and I prefer eating the pulp anyway. I found a coconut milk yogurt I can use with it if I want to.

margeaux - I have been dealing with a "die off" reaction from taking antifungals which has made me tired, headachy etc. and aware that I have to catch these infections sooner. That followed by this sinus headache... Getting past it now. These family functions turn into such crazy circuses with narcissists around.

glad - you mentioned about the SW wanting to improve family relationships. I see mother's SW trying to do the same. She is telling me it is OK for me not to visit mother to protect myself, but I find she is saying it too often, so it makes me wonder. She is also asking if there is anyone else in the family who visits mother. The answer is that mother has burnt most of her bridges for anyone local who has had much contact with her. I don't think they are well trained in the area of personality disorders and narcissism. Next time I speak with the SW, I will ask if mother is wanting to see family.

As far as enabling is concerned, Sharyn you posted good info. Setting boundaries, and not pleasing narcissists does not make the situation normal, but hurts you less. The situation will never be normal with sick people in it. Doing things to make others feel better, at your own expense, is not good for you. One way or the other, there is dysfunction. The trick is to focus on yourself and your needs. Believe me, the others will survive. Keep yourself healthy.

Family issues - I have a daughter and dil who will not be in the same room with one another - mainly the dil's decision as dd has tried, though I think she is burnt now. This raises issues regarding family functions. We work around it. Sometimes I visit one, sometimes the other. The problem is between them as is any problem my kids have and have had with mother and I do not interfere. They all are adults and it is their job to work things out. Do I like having fractured family functions? NO. Obviously not. But I cannot change it. The same applies with my sister. I do no interfere with my kids relationship with her In fact they had little relationship with her, as they have seen how she is over the years. I have shared some info. with them.

When G and I marry and I do think this will happen, I will have to work out something with the kids that is reasonable and the least stress for everyone. Re marriage, G took me to a couple of jewellers in the Bahamas that he had researched, and had me try on some very expensive rings. They were beautiful but out of sight $ wise. He also showed a male one he liked. Hmmm!

Austin, sorry about your brother, there is only so much you can do.

Travelling to visit mother's new psychiatrist and the SW next week to discuss placement etc. Starting to line up help for moving her again. I think I will have to see her at some point to find out what of her furniture she wants in her new place, once we know what facility she is going into and what size unit she will have. I need to be done with moving -can't keep doing this...

hi to the newbies and everyone else - veronica, book, cmag, sad and more. Not leaving anyone out on purpose - just behind in my reading posts.

“There just isn’t any pleasing some people. The trick is to stop trying.” - Robert Mitchum

We cannot begin to make progress in learning to Love ourselves until we start being kind to ourselves in healthy ways. A very important part of being kind to ourselves is learning how to say no, and how to set, and be able to defend, boundaries.” -Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

I think we are wounded souls, and very courageous. Do something good for you today! ((((((((hugs))))))) and blessings

Do something

I stepped out of the role of being my mother's emotional caregiver which I had all my life for 6 years and now have gone back. The roles have changed my brother has replaced my father who died at 90 three years ago. My daughter has replaced me in my mother's life and they adore each other. My mother can say or do anything to my daughter and she just lets it slide. I can't do anything right it seems. Now my brother who is mentally ill, unemployed and has a history of financial irresponsibility has been put in the role of POA for finance, personal care and made executor of the will. My mother is a very wealthy woman at 95 and yet the day after a meeting with her financial planner which I attended, told me the next day she would not pay for the family meal at a restaurant she was planning at Easter. We would each pay for ourselves. Striving hard to keep the "fun" in dysfunctional! Sharron

Gees my kindle....rectal. not recital ..no music performance.

I mean drs would not have thought advanced recital cancer.

Austin-i don't think drs should give false hope as in not being truthful..that is wrong. We have heard of situations where a Dr told the patient there was nothing more they cameo except comfort and God, in his infinate wisedom cured the patient 6 months later. I am praying for that to happen with April and for Ethen Richardson. I too would want to know. I believe with Chris (my nephew who passedaway) the drs believed very confidently the cancer would not return. The family does not blame the drs. My nieces Dr is dealing with much guilt ( he is only human), as my niece faughtt with him for years on getting her hemroids (sp?) Removed. He stalled on it because of her young age. He has pulled all kinds of strings to get her for treatment and surgery because he feels so bad about her situation. She is only 34 so drs would have suspected advanced recital cancer?

My feeling about being told how much time a person may have left is based on what my family is going through now with my brother and no one knows for sure God is in control if the person or the spouse asks then the doc should say how he honestly feels taking into consideration it is not written in stone-many people with cancer have a much longer time span then even a few years ago-I have seen spouses in denial and then after the person suffering with cancer dies that family member wonders why no one told them the truth and docs are only human but they should lay out the facts as they see them explaining that there are exceptions-I would want to know so I could plan but also I am a person who lives each day as it comes and do not sweat the small stuff-a friend was always so worried bout small health problems but did not live in a healthy life style and her money was so important to her -now she is sitting in a wheelchair sleeping most of her days-thanks for letting me vent.

Veroncia~I agree with everything you said in your post regarding written posts and sometimes what we mean to say can be misunderstood. I have had this problem on facebook with people I have known as an acquaintance...as a result we don't really know each other well enough to get each others writing style of sense of humor.

My brother and his wife lost their 38 year old son last May after an 8 year battle with colon cancer. He was told after his first surgery, the cancer would not come back...after the second surgery, he was told the same thing. SO..in light of that, I don't know whether telling my niece it will come back or to give her hope that it will not return is the way to go. They have already lost so much with her brother passing away. It is going to a very rough journey for all of them no matter what the future holds.

Well, off to run my errands...baby reveal shopping, groceries for dinner tonight. Have a good day!! Thank you for the kind words regarding my niece!

Emjo,

What's going on with you? I hope the boarder's are respecting household rules.
Hope you're well.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad,

The day after the Baptismal, what you've said about all the impending holidays families want to celebrate.....is the reason I had to cut the conversation short w/my sister. She creates tons of chaos and drama and also has high expectations of others attendance at her family's events.
When she started to tell me of her grand daughter's, (Baptism baby's) upcoming first "B," day in May, then a baby shower for the baby's mom, I had to hang up.
I just can't listen to all about me, the new grandma anymore! No offense to grandmother's, she just takes it to an icky level, and she's not going to burn my ear about this. I'm not feeling like she's in a friendly-sis category at the moment.

Your son sounds like a wonderful man. Try not to worry too much about your other children's reactions to your sister. In due time, if she's that offensive, eventually you know she'll most likely majorly offend them, too. They have their own lessons to learn. A brunch, ummmmm sounds good, let's get those chocolate croissants on the table.

How sweet is that, your mom is a prom queen.
What is she wearing for the event? O.K., w/in everything try and have some fun watching your mom participating in this.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison,

I am a major sinus sufferer.
Let me tell you that in your case, the dust mask should not be up for negotiation.
I live in a small place, and every time I'm dusting and sweeping the dust mask has become a fashion statement. O.K., I hope you feel much better.

I was wondering where you were.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sandwich,

I'd be angry also, given your circumstances!
I was very angry when mother's narcissistic sister was alive, and basically lot's of what you've described.......that was our aunt.
I backtracked to read your posts and get a better idea, where your mom is at in terms of her living situation. Is she in an Assisted Living Center? If she is, do you think that possibly, it's time to take her level of care to the next step, say so she wouldn't the control as to the choices she now has for food, and living as independently?

I think about our aunt, and the challenges she thrust primarily on my sister and me.
She became a nightmare to deal with in her elder years. Although others tell you this is your past, as in....."get over it," these dysfunctional behaviors do come back to haunt us. You are totally entitled to YOUR feelings, and want you to know that we're here to support you. This is one of the reasons I come here, since I feel it's a safe place to vent, and that we are not being admonished, nor judged.

You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Shary I am glad our niece is staying with people who care abut her and I pray for healing for her. I am not sure if people want to know how much time they have left-I do not know if my brother wants to know but I would like to have at least a visiting nurse to come in but he refuses-he needs to be assessed and hospice should get involved-I will be going to see him every other week for now and keep my eye on him and take him food.

Drive-by post before I deal with day of having contractors in the house again…

Hi everyone. I got hit with yet another serious painful bout of sinus/throat infection this past week. It didn't surprise me too much seeing as anytime the dust in this house is stirred up - either through my own cleaning efforts or the HVAC cleaning crew that came in last week - I end up getting sick. Much better now, I didn't need medication to recover, but I'm just beyond frustrated with the recurring illnesses. Air purifier should be delivered any day, hoping it will make a difference. And I need to remember to wear a face mask when cleaning. Hope everyone is well and good. Bbl.

Sharyn such a sad story about your niece. I hope at least this ordeal can give her an amount of good time. You just feel so helpless. "Sorry" does not cover it in the face of such devastation. In many ways I would wish the Drs had not told her it would come back. I know I often critisize Drs for being over optimistic and not truthful and maybe she really wanted to know. Many husbands unfortunately are not supportive in the face of situations like this. Denial seems to be their way of dealing with it. Most of us girls would recover a lot faster with more TLC from our spouses.

I do understand the purpose of your posts Sharyn and your desire to support others on their way to forgivenes and growth and do know that the individual has to come to it in their own time and maybe never will It is like grief where some one gets stuck at a certain stage and never recovers. All of us have experienced grief in some form or another so it is easier to relate to than an abusive childhood and nasisistic parents.
Have done a little reading on that mainly because of both what I have read here and a headline "Is Putin a narsissist?" The thing that stood out is that the narsissist gets that way because of extreme trauma in their own childhood.
The problem with writing comments and answers is that the people are not face to face and can only reply once the comment is sent so it is easy to jump to conclusions about that the writer means whereas if they could read each other many misunderstanding could immediately be addressed. For example I have never been physically abused but having seen the results can imagine the terror and would feel the need to help the abused person but as you have so rightly put it they have to want to be helped and we are back to taking the horse to water. (Been there done that) with real horses. Enough I am probably just digging myself a deeper hole,and my size 20s are not too tasty!!!!!! Have to go anyway some one is going to feed me some barium on a cracker this afternoon

Of course we are loony we are or were caregivers-my new queen bed-first piece of furniture I picked out myself is being delivered today-YEA.

Maybe I'll start doing that.

Well you will never guess what that asteroid sister of mine did now! Fill in your own adjective please. LOL

And then my tablet is going completely wacky, got stuck in a loop of some sort! Asteroids times 2 yet!

asteroids? Asterics. Sheesh!

Gla I doubt anyone here on AC as a caregiver has learnt any new words so throw all the asteroids you want-llivens the place up and gives a laugh for me at least

We are not just a looney, wears spacey too!

asteroids? Asterics. Sheesh!

Sharyn, I too have hit report this post inadvertently. I think most of us probably have. When this happens admin must think we are ALL looney and do not understand why we would object to an innocuous post. Though with my frustration and hurt my language has become objectionable to someone whether it is other posters or admin. As far as I can tell, my posts are all still there, just asteroids in appropriate places.

I apologize to anyone that may have been offended by my comments similar to d**Ned if you do, d**Ned if you don't. Maybe someone new working in admin?
There are a long list of words I will not use.

Maybe Admin can do what Ebay does. When I am deleting an item in my "watch list", before it deletes, a window pops up and asks me "Are you sure you want to delete this item?" I think it would be great if the IT guys can figure out how to do this. And it would cut back on the Admin's work to check each of the "Report this Post."

I hope on one on this thread has received a message from admin. I have accidentially reported several posts in the last 24 hours while using my kindle. The report option is where my thumb scrolls the thread. Please admin...disregard. my reports, Lol!

Veroncia~Thank you for your post about understanding abuse, etc. The problem with having been raised in a very abusive family is that the children grow up to adulthood, they don't have coping skills, they don't know how to overcome the damage, PTSD and many other things. Directing them to recovery is my goal. Of course, I and all of us can offer suggestions, but if the person is not ready to take that leap...we can't force them, we can only offer what we have to offer. We have had others on this thread that just were not emotionally ready for recovery, some need months to vent here before they take that leap, some just never come back.

This is what this thread is about, leading people to help, recovery, and growth. I forgave my parents when I realized that they did not get married for the purpose of procreating 4 children so they could abuse the H$!! out of them, LOL! My sis has primary on mom's DPOA, I am secondary...I am the one who see's mom the most ( I have to cut it down to 1-2 times week). I treat my mother with respect, yes...I tell her "loving lies" like the dr. is filling out the paperwork for your release to go home. I believe that is more proactive than my sister telling mom you can't live alone because you started a fire or you did this or that. Why upset mom...she doesn't understand anymore.

For everyone!!

I am fortunate that I have Sunday off. The community my mom lives in has a brunch for all special days throughout the year. I will be joining my sis and mom for the brunch. They have a gourmet chef and he puts on quite a spread on these days. My brother won't be joining us partly because he and sil do a traditional family dinner at their home plus my niece my be released by Easter so their hands will be pretty full.

My mom is still holding fairly steady regarding the Alz. Sometimes I am her cousin, my sister, myself...but she knows I am a relative who is important to her. I have posted about a long haired white toy cat, a small teddy bear and the black poodle stuffed toy we bought her for Christmas. Mom keeps these toys in her closet during the day but at night they sleep with her. She says they are real, but they don't eat and sleep all the time. Bless her for that...she has earned it!!

Margeaux~You are welcome! I know what you and Glad are going through with your sister's is very distressing. My sis is problematic too, and I do believe she has a personality disorder, just not as full blown as my mother or your's and Glad's sister.

My niece had surgery on the 14th, it was an 11 hour ordeal. They did a complete hysterectomy, removed the vaginal wall, and she will have to use a colostomy bag for some time possibly permanently if there is not enough tissue to reattach to. Her prognosis is not good as the dr.'s have already told her the cancer will come back. I do not know how long she will be in hospital but I do know that she will recover at my brother and sil's home as her husband is not very supportive.

Thank you for asking, Hugs to you and hoping you can work things out with your sister.

Margeaux-thank you for your kind words. However, the reason I posted my past was to let Sandwich know she was not alone in her feelings.

Sandwich- counseling can help with the anger, so can forgiveness. Forgiveness does not pardon what your mother did or does now, it allows you to heal. You cant change or fix your mother, but you can change and fix yourself. My sister still carries so much anger toward our mother. The thing is that your mother has a mental illness which she has no control over. If your mother was not mentally ill she would not have abused you.

You can contact a social worker through the area agency on aging and let them know your moms situation. If you cant take care of her, tell the sw. I dont do hands on 24/7 caregiving because my mother is too problematic. I visit, take her to appts., lunch,etc. No one else knows how your mother or my mother truly is, so dont feel guilty if you cant take of her.

Austin,

Yes, I've said no to her before when I just couldn't.....as I live quite far, so this to begin with take some planning on my part. I called her today, after writing the post....and I figured she just has to figure it out, since she's so good at micro-managing. Besides, we do have 2 brothers who truth be told on a Sat., at those hours could even be asked to come help. I'm creating some distance between my sister and me, as a result of her need to constantly second guess, not acknowledge, and just plain be thankful that I have been available very much each and every time she's made the request. I'm also separating now, some times that I just want to show up there as a short visit w/mother, to check in on her. In other words, my visits are now going to be more defined by me. Yes, and you're right,
she does have Hospice, so I'm sure necessary arrangements can be made.
I don't want to engage in needless discussions about she re-arranging her plans, that's her ball game. I know it's probably to go spend time w/the boyfriend, who incidentally she has CG's cover during her work week, so she can go spend the night w/him. Whether my sister likes it or not, she does live there w/mom, and pays no rent......so these are her decisions.

Thank you for your suggestion, too1
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Since you mom is on hospice could you ask your sister if they can arrange someone to stay with her for those hours since Hospice is to be there to help the families-maybe your sister can change the time of whatever she is planning to do to coincide with the times they will be there-if you really do not want to do it or re not able can you just say no without starting WW3 -I assume you hae said no to her before-just saying.

I have written before of the physical and sexual abuse and incest in our local society and when i have described it to others i get a blank stare and a look that says "you gotta be joking but i am not. One young nurses comes home to her family after work and changes from her uniform to her PJs but won't take off he bra till she goes to bed. Her husband teases her and tells her to let the "girls" have their freedom. She wont't though that bra is her protection from the awful things her father did to her when she was young. And yes her mother knew what was happening and choose to do nothing but then she was being beaten too. Oh I get it even if it is unbelievable. Can you believe that a well respected professional man would stub his cigaretes out on the chest of his wife with MS or that Hitler hanged some of his associates with piano wire.