The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sandwich I read you post on being in the trenches for what it was. It was a description of visiting your mother with a recent diagnosis of dementia who was not trying to take care of herself although she was physically able. That was what I read. You HAD NOT visited in a month and you were mad because Mom had sunk back into squalor.
Now you have told us why you are mad. This woman has destroyed all 43 years of your life and I do not doubt a single word. The new diagnosis does not cover up or excuse her previous mentally ill behaviour it just makes it more apparent as it will continue to be.
Your anger is eating you alive. I don't know what you can do to rid yourself of the poison. Big girl panties won't help. You got your first pair of those the night your Dad died. your mother is damaged as I know are those of, I dare to say ,most people on this site. That is why people are so empathetic. You have done all you can and far more than she deserves. So maybe the time has come to set her adrift and allow your family to enjoy the real "Sandwich" not the pent up ball of fury they are used to. Dare to let the softer side of yourself out in safe surrounding where she can not get to you. It may seem cruel to be the last person to disown her but others have done just that. Follow Emjo and SA and see what they have been through and what they had to do to maintain a semblance of sanity. mental health is not my area of expertise but my childhood certainly was disfunctional although not violent. I have spent the last 50 years married to a very good man whose mental illnesses can cause him to behave in less than loving ways. We all have out crosses to bear but it is up to each of us to find a safe place to lay them down.I do not apologize for what I wrote, it was an honest answer to what i perceived from you. Blessings

My sister called me yesterday. Just as I imagined. She's in need of someone to come be w/mom, this Sat. between 12:00 -4:00 p.m. I didn't give her an immediate, "yes," about it, either. I'm feeling very conflicted about going to do this. On the one hand, of course I'm not referring that I mind doing it for mom. But for my sister, NO.
I'm charging the phone right now, and have to give her a yes or no, in case she has to line up a CG. Ay yay yikes! I feel like weighing a lot of this also has to do with our egos. On the one hand, I don't want my sister feeling so powerful, which she already feels this way to begin with. Anyway, there's some bothering of my conscience about the right thing to do, since mom is also Hospice category these days. Any ideas, pals?

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, I am just not to the point of being able to go to this fiasco of a celebration or watch my sister in the best of her showmanship. Such destructive behavior I'm just tired of it. Thanksgiving, followed by Christmas, now Easter, next month Mother's Day, just enough already. Then Father's Day, July birthdays, of which sis is one as well as two of my children, and one grandchild. It is just all to much. My son has put himself in position of peacemaker and will appease her by going for Easter, will get to see him at some point that day for a bit. Youngest daughter will stop by at some point. But oldest daughter is uncharacteristically silent. Heard from her last week, with "hope to see you there". Oh well, she won't respond to anything else. She is so angry at me, other daughter with the situation, son just frustrated.

I, too am the oldest. Narcissistic sister is the golden middle child, was very sickly when a young kid, got mom's attention constantly, sis would blame me for all that happened in the house, of course always believed.

Hopefully, my children will all wise up to this. But, I am not counting on it. I just wish I understood the hold sis has on my oldest. Then maybe I would know what I am dealing with. Will see SW this afternoon will probably talk about this a bit. It is Senior Prom at mom's day program and she is prom queen. So, much to do, need to be there in an hour. Speaking of prom, narc sister's only questions about it were is mom's hubby going? Is he wearing a tux? Nothing, can I help, what is mom going to wear? Just very strange, but those parties is when she is at her height of narcissism.

more later.

Sharynmarie,

Thanks for the post about "enabling."
I revisited DONM's web. Still lot's to learn.

That must have been so very hard on you what you have described about your childhood. How is your niece doing?

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Countrymouse,

Where are you? You haven't posted in awhile.
Hope things are good w/you!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad,

The controllers, narcissist's such as our sisters, are doing some triangulation here.
You may want to read it on the Daughter's of Narcisssit's website. IIt means the narcissist is thwarting their abusive behavior towards someone like yourself, via your kids.

Our aunt did this constantly, mom did too back in the day.
But her sister who we ended up having charge of into her old age, (she had no kids),
WOW! She had a lot of power in the family because our parents allowed it.
So when it was caregiving time for her, guess what? Mom, now had ALZ, and dad passed away in 2001. The stage had been set by our parents. There had already been plenty of divide and conquer of the siblings. There's golden boy, then there's my spoiled youngest brother, and a controlling sister. I am the lowest on the totem pole, and am the eldest. The responsibilities placed upon me as a kid, have rung me dry, because I was caregiving them as a kid, like some mini-mother of sorts.
I didn't have a sense of childhood because of this..

Your sister is playing a heavy triangulation on you, involving your kids.
First of all, she really has a problem as I know about your Thanksgiving fiasco.
At that time, I know your family had been appointed the guardian. But I didn't know that the guardian also had the responsibility of mediating the behaviors within the family. It shows you how little understanding I had about it.

Well, if I'm understanding your post......you sound still undecided as to whether you will go. The other day.....when I was in your shoes about the Baptism I had much of the same feeling. That dread, of seeing my sister, in your case your's.
My sister had pulled all those stunts just days prior w/the Hospice social worker.
She got really ticked the social worker had interviewed me, instead of her, the day I was watching mom, while my sister was at work. That in no way was my fault.
I never know who is just going to drop in at mom's home, when I'm there......and now w/Hospice, it appears to be several.

When I weighed in as to whether I was going.......as I said, my hairs just stood on end at the thought of being in a small space w/my sister. The motivation for me to attend......was my niece, and the featured child of the Baptism. They have nothing to do w/my sister's shennnigans! Besides, I thought, "Why should I be the one missing the event, and I'm not referring to it because of the festivity, but because of the spiritual side of it. Yes, and I know I elected to pass on the church.....but I did that because it sickened me to have to watch my sister do live theater. Anyway, I just buckled in, and decided if I went, I wasn't going to engage w/her. I focused on anything else, even had my camera in tow, and took pics for my niece. My husband is going to forward those to her.

In your case, honestly.......this violation IMHO, is pretty out there in your face, and I know I don't have to tell you that either. Your sister is employing the divide and conquer and of no less w/your own family. I realize the importance that people place on the fact that they celebrate holidays w/their kids, too. But given that you do have your own responsibilities w/the caregiving, do you think it would make it j easier on you if you made a separate time to gather your own family together. However, if you feel compelled to go, are you going to be able to sidestep what your sister's doing, and just be there as if you were an invited disassociated guest? I realize it's not an easy decision by no means.

I agree with you.....that I try to be civil. O.K., and I will admit that according the the definition, is the fact that we elect to avoid the conflict and all of that.
However, it very rough terrain, when it comes to the narcissist's, the PD disorders, and the like. Again, I really feel that when the siblings and the rest of the family still have the parent(s), in the middle we do need to find some kind of balance.

I completely agree with you about trying to be civil in these situations.
It's almost like the tip of the iceberg. On the one hand we can stand up to them, end up in a big fight with our sisters. But then, w/these people the fall out that ensues with regards of taking care of the parents. Sure if there are no parents involved, I'm sure it makes it easier to disconnect from people in our lives who behave like this. Also what I think about w/regards to my own behavior even the midst of my own reactions to them, is, "for every action, there's a reaction too."

You're in my thoughts, Glad!
Believe me, I kind of know what you're going through!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Cmag-you are right men are the least believed. I know my post was harsh, ut like you...it is a subject that gets me going. I hope I did not offend anyone...abuse is so life long damaging.

sharynmarie, my FIL was a destroyed man and I got blamed for motivating him to stand up for himself. My wife told me that he often told her and her twin sister that he knew what they were going through, but there was nothing he could do. Wrong! MIL was a supreme narcissist with borderline traits according to my wife's therapist's diagnosis, but according to my reading about borderline mother's I have my own diagnosis. She is a borderline queen like a 'mommy dearest!' As if that was not bad enough, my wife told me after years of marriage that her mother told her private things about her marriage that parents should not tell their children about.

I'm sorry that your mother enabled your dad to physically abuse you. Mothers sometimes enable other kinds of abuse as well.

Sometimes people are in disbelief when a man shares about the abuse he suffered as a boy.

Sometimes a parent will make an opposite or a same sex child their emotional substitute spouse because of a bad marriage. Sometimes this leads to actual sexual abuse.

One of the worse things to do is to invalidate the emotions of someone who has suffered abuse.

This subject of abuse and disbelief of people about victims is not a good subject to get me started on. So, I'll hush now and go back to bed.

As far as people not believing the child abuse...I too have experienced that. The truth is that even others who have been abused...deny it because it is not socially acceptable. I have heard so many horror story's of judges who would not accept sexual abuse or their attitude was that girls are going to have sex at some point in time anyway....REALLY? I have family members who think that way too.

Remember, we are all at different levels of recovery when it comes to abusive childhoods...

Sandwich~Yes you are entitled to your feelings of anger, disappointment that you did not get the loving, protective mother you deserved to have as a child. I have been there and done that too. It is so heartbreaking and even though a mental illness is involved, it is not your fault and those who have not experienced what you and I and many others have experienced, the truth is....they don't get it.

I witnessed my mother first hand destroy my father (many can blow it off saying he let it happen), she emasculated him at every turn. She, herself, would not discipline us kids, instead she put my dad in the place of being the bad guy. If his punishment was not severe enough in mom's terms,....she badgered him for days on end about what a useless father, husband he was until he took his anger out on the offending child which resulted in physical abuse. My mother watched the abuse take place...following my father around the house as he beat the sh$t out of us and all she would say is..."You deserve it". Of course later in her 60's and 70's, she claimed this did not happen or she did not remember. No wonder my father became an alcoholic (she was one too but denied it). You don't have to be a 24/7 caregiver to be in the trenches with a parent who has a personality disorder and this is why my mother does not live with me or my siblings. Talk about being in the trenches...

You stated that your mother is in an ALF...With this recent diagnosis of dementia, does the ALF also have a memory care unit? If so, depending on how advanced your mother is, you can have her moved to memory care and being already a resident, your mother should get first place on their list.

Hang in there Sandwich, come back and vent, share as much as you need too. There are many of us on this thread in the same boat. Hugs to you!!

Veronica91 - Seriously - "I seem angry." Find me a survivor of a Borderline or Narcissistic parent who ISN'T angry! I'd like to shake their hand and congratulate them on being a living saint and a far better person than me.

When you see the same abusive behaviors you've seen your entire life, it's not dementia. When you see the same mean spirited manipulations and games, it's not dementia. I *wish* the worst thing to deal with over here was dementia.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Most of us here have moms & dads where there is no sweet little old person in there for us to find. There are no Normal Rockwell moments to dig out by putting on an old record. I don't have memories of the family gathered around the piano to sing Christmas carols by firelight. My memories are quite different.

Being forced to become the caretaker of the person responsible for abuse your entire life is more than a little traumatic. If anybody expects me to let 43 years of pent up resentment and anger just evaporate because a dementia diagnosis was made is kidding themselves. This relatively recent diagnosis did not make any of the past 40-something years un-happen.

Let's go back to 1986. It was her nonstop raging, hatred, and meanness that gave my dad the chest pain the night he died from a heart attack. She had been particularly merciless that day because he begged her to stop yelling - a mistake. She still is merciless if she detects weakness. This is not dementia. At the age of 15 I had to watch my 55 year old Daddy reduced to tears and begging this woman to please lay off him - which made her rage twice as hard - before he died overnight. You have never seen such a grieving widow the next day. It was a real show. She was so busy hamming it up with visitors that I got stuck with the work to cook, clean, do all the house chores, and learn to pay bills immediately. This turned into doing taxes, get my own driver's license, get jobs, apply for college and financial aid by myself. I had to forge her signature on all my college entrance forms because she refused to let me go. She wouldn't acknowledge any of my pain or grief. She had lost her husband but it didn't count that I lost my dad. I had to get over it immediately - put the big girl panties on I guess - because she was prostrate from sorrow and simply just could not possibly function from 1986 onward.

When I still lived at home on college breaks, I came home from work to find this woman on some kind of rage bender, following me around the house screaming about me being a whore, drug user, and so on. I had been at either school, work, or church. I didn't go anywhere else. She came at me with a seam ripper and chased me out of the house. She grabbed my arm and dragged it across the bricks of the house. Then she called the police and told them that *I* was the one out of control. So not only did I have this crazy ambush to deal with late at night, I got a nice lecture from a police officer on how to behave like a lady. The next day she put all my belongings in the yard and changed the locks on the house while I was at work. I had to live with a friend until school started back up and I could go into the dorm.

This is my reality, and it's actually pretty offensive to recommend "putting on big girl panties" to someone who has been prematurely parentified, bullied, diminished, manipulated, lied to, and the opposite of loved every day of their life with this kind of parent. I had to take care of HER from the day Daddy died and I STILL AM. I lost my childhood because of her. I missed out on a lot because of her manipulative stunts to control me, isolate me, and run off anybody who would try to be my friend. She would always pull some kind of ridiculous stunt every time something good was to happen to me, like faking suicide on my prom night or throwing up all day long on my wedding day. She emptied my bank account because she could, when I needed that money in college. I had worked since the age of 15 and saved my paychecks, and she took every penny without telling me. There was nothing I could do. She would come into my places of work and act crazy, to try to get me fired. She threatened the man who wanted to marry me but we got married anyway, and when she came to live with us, she tried to interfere in our marriage. She "fell" down the stairs with my three day old son in her arms, and then "accidentally" stepped on him. I refused to let her anywhere near my daughter when she was born.

Yet I still went down there in 2013, using up ALL my time off and spending over $1,000 of my own money to move her sorry difficult self and belongings to be near me, in my own home until the AL facility opened up. I still ask myself why I did it. I did it because she had run off every single family member or former friend who could have helped her out. I am literally the ONLY person on this planet who gives a flying d*mn about what happens to her. Her condition was deteriorating, she was missing doctor appointments, having hallucinations, and not taking her meds. I am the ONLY person who stepped in to do anything about it before she might be found dead.

She is in a very nice continuum care facility with dining services, doctors, nurses, PT, dentist, a gift shop, and social activities out the wazoo. I should be so lucky as to end up somewhere like that in my old age. You say she's being neglected, but you don't know beans about where she is and what it's like. Nor do you understand what mom's capabilities are vs. what she is willing to do. She is perfectly capable of performing the tasks of daily living but chooses not to because otherwise, how would she make people feel sorry for her? Her entire life has been one big theater production to make other people cater to her, carry her, idolize, and bow to her wishes.

I am entitled to my feelings. I refuse to accept any outsider's criticism or blame for how I feel about certain things in my life. I will process through it my own way, in my own time.

Her mental illness has done more damage to more people in the family than the dementia will do.

So please forgive me if you can, if I seem angry because I am actually quite furious, and I think I've earned the right.

Glad~Good for you!! I am not clear on this, does your mother live with you, you take care of her or does she live with nasty sis?

Book, my son has been e-mailing her to try to get her to understand. tHe and his wife are going to sisters house. They also suggested brunch at their house for just my kids, their kiddos and me. But they are 60 miles from here and I still need to prepare dinner here. So I suggested they stop in for a short bit either before or after sisters. Son of course will, have not heard anything from either daughter. But, that is my plan.

Among the best at presenting such a good front to everyone, but their immediate family are mothers with borderline personality disorders. While they can appear like an angel to others, they are a h**l-cat at home.

I find it not so hard to find that people disbelieve the child abuse when they are informed about it by the survivors.
Many years ago I read in the Readers Digest abridged book section a title by "The Murder of Roger (Robbie??) Wayne, Age 6. The horrors this poor child suffered at the hands of mommies hubby was horrific and all mommy did was wring her lousy hands.
Some woman, some other 'mommy' had the audacity to write to the authoress that 'nobody, least of all a mommy, could harm a child like that... or allow a child to come to harm.. didn't believe the authoress." This prompted the authoress to write a letter back, through the Readers Digest that she had actually left worse incidents out.
So, the disbelief? Very easy because these evil perpetrators present such a good front to everyone.

Glad, got it. No, I totally agree with you with your decision. Sorry for mixing up you and Margeaux' s situation. Except your sister sounds like she has some kind of mental issues aside from the narcissistic personality. I've read enough here to see how different she is from most narcissist. I think she really really hates you. Hence all that actions against you - legal action and trying to subvert Your children. I wouldn't dismiss her. She will continually try to get at you. She has succeeded with one of your kids. She's going to keep trying with your remaining ones. Glad, you can start your own holiday traditions with your own children. It does not need to conflict with hers. It doesn't have to be a big to-do. It can be done informally.

My siblings always did this from the beginning. Mornings is their own private celebration. Lunch is with us. Dinner is with the in-laws. If there's a conflict, they do one of it the night before. This Easter, oldest bro family has decided to have it at his daughter's house so that his wife's family can attend. They don't feel comfortable with us (their sister's husband's family). When I heard that fave sis is going there, I was so hurt. I won't get to enjoy them and my little niece and nephew. We will be having no Easter feast just plain regular food.

I hope that you can find a way to do these mini tradition with your kids. It makes holidays worth looking forward to. Stress free.

Glad~I too dealt silently with my mil's insults and barbs toward me for many many years. My fil knew what she was saying, but my husband was always tuned out so paid no attention to her. I don't have to deal with it anymore since she passed away. I kept a low profile with my husbands family and still do today because some attitudes toward me still exist due to mil saying things about me to them. I know she said things because she said things to me about her other daughter in law.

Book,
Margeaux and I are both dealing with similar sister issues now. She has the baptismal, I have Easter with my narcissistic sister and if I want to see my children and grandchildren I am also required to withhold tears or I will be asked to leave.

I have decided I will not put myself in this situation nor expose my children to what may transpire.

Sandwich you are so angry why?
It has been a month since you visited Mom so why did you expect to find conditions any better?
She is a very sick old lady. Face that fact instead of relying on "she won't do what's good for her" The hard fact is she can't. She is not being cussed she is deep into dementia. Won't let housekeepers in, won't eat a proper diet. Ignores her diabetes. Has major gastointestinal problems which may not be caused by her unhealthy diet. Can't face preparing food or even thinking about it. Is she loosing weight? Put something tasty in front of her and she probably will eat at least for now but that will stop too. She is far too lethargic to think about clearing up after herself. I realize you want to have a little to do with a filthy looser like that. So be it I don't know what you previous relationship has been with mother but right now you are blaming her and have turned against her rather than helping. you my dear are no where near the trenches. You are not even close to the front line even though you can smell the carnage.
You do however have some responsibility whether you care about Mom or not you are fully aware of her living conditions. This woman is in danger and severely neglected. If you can't face calling in adult protective services pass the responsibility to some one who can. That is probably the landlord. let him or her know how Mom is mistreating her apartment and suggests he/she does an inspection. he/she will be stopped at the door by the stench and want her out ASAP. If there is garbage everywhere Codes can also be called in because that is a violation in most places as a fire risk and it attracts rodents and insects.
is she paying her bills? of course you don't know because she is so secretive.
Your mother is deep into dementia and is a danger to herself and others. Contact adult protective services and public health and between them they will get her sorted out. Try to obtain POA both medical and financial if you are interested otherwise let the state take charge. If you expected sympathy from me because you think you are in the trenches I am afraid I am lacking in that emotion today. Had it been my mother (whom I did not like and could not bear to touch) that I discoved.in thise conditions I would have immediately called the authorities but at the same time put on a pair of gloves and sent one of the kids out to buy some pull up diapers given her a bath and they cleaned and disinfected the shitty bathroom. I would also have cleaned all the furniture with disinfectant and tackled the kitchen too. She really can't help it she is not lazy and stubbon she is sick period. i am sorry for you as a person but not for what you have to deal with. Time for the big girl panties. Lots of people here are familiar with them and buy them in six packs.

So, Glad, does this mean you're still going to the baptismal? If you cry, so be it. It is what it is. Or did you mean that you won't go to the baptismal? Sorry. close to 11pm and my brain is not working up to par.

Sharyn, I copied and pasted your post. I know that I've got it in one of my files but too lazy to find it. For now, I dumped it on Emjo's files of "Detach and Setting Boundaries." I think of it as Emjo's since most of it came from her posts.

Sharyn, I especially like " Silently taking emotional abuses such as put downs, sarcastic comments, yelling, name calling etc.", because this is what I have tried to do because I did not want to feed her narcissistic need. So, d**ned if I do d**ned if I don't. I have not responded to the nasty gram, but last night sent e-mail to my kids not to justify my actions that sis had the courtesy to list, but to tell them this has been extremely emotional and stressful for me, and that tears will most likely flow. Told them that I will not subject myself or their families to my banishment because of my offenses. Told them if they care to stop by, please do. I will not take any part in what my sister is doing and certainly will not enable her by remaining silent when some sort of a response should be made to my kids.q

I'm going to have to come back to this conversation later and re-read all the posts when I have time, but it looks like my childhood has been written down here!

Thank you for starting this thread - I'm looking forward to the supportive posts and supporting others who are in the same boat as I.

Caregiver, I have no memories of my childhood. My younger 2 sisters have no memories of their childhood. I do remember watching our father knocking our older brothers to the ground and kicking them with his work steel-toed shoes. We were terrified of our father. Mom wouldn't let him touch us girls. Only she can hurt both girls/boys - all 8 of us kids. When one child did something wrong, she would spank all of us kids. We learned quickly to hide everything from the parents.

You are right too. I'm here out of obligation - moral obligation due to my finding God when I was age 22. Unlike my 7 siblings, they didn't find any religion that obligated them to help care for their abusive parents. My spiritual advisor visited me a few months ago. He asked me if I ever regretted finding God. I said, "Yes, I regretted studying the Bible." I do Not regret finding God. I just regret learning the Bible and knowing what is God's Will. If I was a Catholic like my siblings, I would have been able to stand up and walk away. I grew up as a Catholic. We just went to mass on Sundays, attended the Easter and Xmas midnight mass - and that's it. No studying of the Bible to know what God's will is. Go to the priest, confess your sins, and then go back to doing it again. Aahhh.. even as teenagers, we saw grown ups do this. I remember rolling my eyes when I see someone going up to take the "bread."

Throughout my postings, I have been slowly revealing some of the things that I do remember of my childhood. I once told my ex-bf of my childhood, and he didn't believe me. He thought I was exagerating. The same with baby sister's hubby. He thought she was exagerating. Then he came over for a visit. He heard us talking about our childhood. And he was shocked that it was all true - on what she told him. I have found that most outsiders cannot take the full scenery of what we went thru as a child, the abuses done. But if you give it as piecemeal, it gives them time to accept each small memory. My therapist stared at me with awe. She couldn't believe that I survived my childhood normal (as in not into drugs, crime, etc..) However, it did unnerve her a lot that I can sit there and smile her with such a nice friendly smile - and she cannot read me. Actually, it really really unnerved her as I discussed my childhood abuses with a smile. When I found out it unnerved her, I would discuss my abuses with a very solemn face. sigh.. In our family, you never ever show that you're hurt or embarrassed because the rest of the siblings will "go in for the kill." It's automatic to smile - no matter what.

sandwich, I,too gave up trying to control my father's intake. It's just not worth the struggle. Anyway, I've read here on AC, that sometimes, all they have left is their favorite food. Since he's 84 years old, bedridden, I figured he might as well get the food he loves. My dad sounds like your mom. Except he goes on and on about why he needs all that herbal supplements for all his aches/pain (which is numerous.) Yeah, I would be doing the same thing as you when my father gets to that "pure meanness" stage. He's not there, yet. but will, eventually.

Exhaustedmomma, that's a difficult situation you're in. Having POA but your mom still competent. You've already seen the oncologist and his diagnosis. Do you think the oncologist would be willing to prescribe placebo pills? Otherwise, since your mom is still competent, just step back and let her do her thing. Your mom is terrified of dying. She will fight it all the way to the end. So you might as well accept it. (Just like my father is terrified of dying - so he's been ordering all these different herbal supplements - which only gives him really bad hives, and bleeds so easily.)

My father had a minor stroke 2 years ago. He could have been walking but he refused any kind of therapy. So now he's bedridden, cannot move his left arm (he did when he first got out of the hospital), and his left leg is setting crooked. I have tried to massage and exercise his limbs but he doesn't want me to do anything to it because "it hurts." That's the main reason he refused to do any PT. The only reason he did it at the hospital was that the doctor told him that if he did not do PT, he will remain in the hospital until he did it. So he did. Once he got out of the hospital, he quit. So, sometimes, there's nothing we can do if the parent refuses to help themselves.

Hi PrettyGood - Welcome to AC (agingcare). I have hopped around this site and read several views about POA. Some posters reported the POA as abusing their parent's funds. Depending on how diligent or overworked authorities are - some had good results. Most did not. I've read how POA's finished up all the money, and then the caregiver sibling and the parent are left penniless. Yet the POA got away with it. You may want to do your own research by searching on the above right. You can try typing "POA misuse funds" or even just "POA, money"

Because in reality, whenever a POA touches the money, she should have receipts to back up why she's spending it. She is obligated to do so. But most authorities don't view this as important a crime as murder. If you have some kind of proof that she's misusing the funds, you can call Adult Protective Services. Very difficult to do this without proof. Perhaps if you do your search on the top right, you might find some great ideas.

Back to cancer, my niece had surgery today, 11 hours!!! She has been moved to a regular room now.

Here is an article about enabling. I know it is long, but it is worth reading and revisiting.

Enabling someone’s poor behavior is extremely easy to do. Enabling is often done unconsciously and with the best of intentions. Seldom, however, do these intentions have positive endings.

Examples of enabling include:
• Purchasing alcohol for your loved one who has a drinking problem.
• Taking over all the chores and family duties to avoid the complaints from family members.
• Responding to aggressive behavior by doing what the bully wants.
• Silently taking emotional abuses such as put downs, sarcastic comments, yelling, name calling etc.
• Packing the diaper bag because your partner doesn’t know what to pack.
• Being responsible for the family’s schedules and constantly reminding your partner of where they need to be and when.
• Agreeing to allow your partner to continue in an affair until s/he decides whom they want to be with.

The truth is there are countless ways that we enable dysfunctional behaviors without ever realizing it. We often enable things because it’s just plain easier. In terms of parenting, we enable our children when we do countless things for them so we don’t have to deal with the fight if we say no (this keeps them irresponsible and dependent and enables their outbursts to continue if they have them). In regards to business, we enable dependency every time we don’t delegate the things we should because we know we can do a better job (this enables the employees to sit back and let you do the work rather than having them learn to do it better.). With loved ones, we enable irresponsibility every time we become over-responsible in an effort to make up for the other person’s lack of responsibility.

Every time we do something to cover up for, or minimize the effects of, someone else’s mistakes, mistreatment, addiction or actions, we are enabling that behavior to continue. Regardless of why we choose to enable, the reality is that enabling dysfunctional behaviors is toxic to relationships and to the self. The more we enable, the more the bad behaviors will continue. Trying to manage people and circumstances by not letting the consequences happen is a recipe for disaster in the long run.
Dare to step in and deal with dysfunctional behaviors head on. Set clear limits, follow through and do not rescue others. You will never fix a behavior by hiding it, ignoring it or constantly cleaning up the fall out from it. Trust your strength. Find the courage to address issues directly.

CHALLENGE: Pay attention to how people enable poor behavior to continue. Watch the world around this issue. Next watch yourself. If you find that you enable, start stepping in on a different level and see what happens. Deal with issues directly and stop making it easier for others to continue to do their dysfunction.
- See more at: lmerlobooth.typepad/straight_talk_4_women/2010/10/are-you-enabling-others-in-their-dysfunctional-behaviors.html#sthash.grwrhlza.dpuf

Glad~going by Veronica's post regarding the reason your sister does not you to come if you get teary....I am a very emotional person, I tear up at Baptisms, weddings, when my daughter told me she was pregnant and again when she told me she was having twins. My family knows this about me and accepts it. However, I have had to deal with people including in-laws who just could not accept this about me, it makes them uncomfortable because they associate tears with being out of control. I don't know if this ties in with you and your sister.

I like the suggestion of you having your own get together at your home. You don't owe your sis any explanation. Trying to be civil with someone who is like your sis is really futile. She sees it that she has all the power and she will continue to have the power if you let her. There is no middle ground here.