The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Coping Notes from the trenches: This stuff is not for sissies. If it sounds like half coherent rambling, it is. Caregiving feels like half coherent stumblng from one random thing to the next,none of which I'm prepared for. None of it makes sense from moment to moment or day to day.

No mom, we will not visit with you from inside the toilet while you take half an hour or more to clear your insides. Gross. You may not, but we still have standards. Let me repeat, gross. Going to visit her is very akin to traumatic for me because it's just so disgusting. No, I won't make our teenagers hang around grandma's toilet while you fart, poop, pee, and probably won't wash your hands. You want me to come in there and scratch your back?! Pass!

The sink is full of rotting dishes again, after I washed them all a month ago, which adds to the "ambience". I wish she would allow housekeeping services to come in. The whole place smells like a sewer. I think she has peed all over, so none of us are willing to sit down on anything not a hard surface. Goodbye security deposit.

I have decided to h**l with nutritional cautions for mom and her diabetes & kidneys. All she wants is basically what I call "gas station food". Frozen cheeseburgers, fried chicken biscuits, pepsi, pickles, snack cakes. So be it. What is that saying about teaching a pig to tapdance?

She is much happier when her gut is full of high sodium, high fat, high sugar, processed junk. But at the same time, she will lecture everyone on her nutritional restrictions. Whatever. It is astonishing this woman is still alive with constant very high blood pressure, a pancreas that gave up in the first Bush administration, and a liver and two kidneys trying to escape any way they can. I am convinced she is running on pure meanness, or some supernatural force, not through any biological process science has discovered.

Now I have lost the thread Glad about Sunday. I think I remember it is about your evil sisters daughter, your niece who has just had her baby baptized and this is the party. Your family will be attending and you want to join the celebration but you are prone to tears on many ocassions and evil sis has said if you start to cry she will ask you to leave. As I see it you have two choices go or not. Do you want to be there or do you want to spend time with your niece and your kids and the grands. If it is the latter why not invite the people you actually want to see to a celebrations at your house another time. if it is going to be expensive make it a pot luck and assign dishes to each invitee and you provide beverages and bread or soup. Don't invite sis and when she complains tell her she behaved so badly over your previous invitations you did not want to embarass her again. If you do decide to go to sis party and she asks you to leave you can stand your groud and quietly say "make me" or take your time and go round to each guest and bid them a personal goodbye. Keep your cool and speak calmly as opposed to your sister who by then will be ready to blow a gasket.You will behave with perfect dignity at least till you have driven a few miles then you can let it all out where there is no one to see you. If anyone asks what is going on just say sweetly that your sister feels she would rather you were. not using up the oxygen in her house and smile smile smile. make sure you say good bye to Mom as well before you leave

Margeaux and Veronica, Is it that Margeaux and I try to just be civil with sisters that is enabling? I do the same as Margeaux, and just try to get along, then I am blindsided as soon as I let down my guard. Believe me, I would much rather have nothing to do with my sister, leave her to her own devices, and be done with it. But, I will not have the unpleasantness with her especially when she has now involved my kids to the extent she has. Now, I will not be able to spend time with my daughter's family Sunday, because if I go, show any emotion I will be kicked out! Maybe I should do just that and let my kids and grandkids see that? I don't think so. But what are your thoughts?

So Margeaux why didn't they call the police. There were probably pictures on bank cameras of the people that did it. Only so you wouldn't find out that dad was giving your sister $20,000.00? How many other elderly have they done that to now? Did they ever think about anyone else? Unbelievable and so sad your dad had to go through something so absolutely terrifying!

Pretty welcome you have joined a good group-did you Mm choose your sister to be POA -if she did she may want to make you POA until she does there might not be able to do anything about sis wasting money or spending it behind her back-is your Mom forgetful and unable to remember what sis has told her about the money-you will get lots of support here.

Hi Book-lol! Usually here baby showers center around the mom and dad to be. Games are geared around them such as guessing how big the new moms belly is and you cut a piece of yarn to the length that you think will go around her waist. Whoever comes closest wins a gift. My daughter does not want games at all. The friend thing with my daughter sounds weird for an adult to pull but if this girl is narcissistic they can pull any stunt to get attention.

I'm brand new here. I am having troubles with my sister who has the POA, but I disagree with how she is using (abusing) that power.
My mom asks my advice on how to curtail that, what do I do?
I live 2 blocks from mom. Sister lives 10 hrs away.
The biggest issue is sister spends money behind mom's back.

Book,

I definitely know my sister is in the driver's seat. She's never going to change,
and I'm not about doing that. It would be such an insurmountable task. HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad,

The "enabling," topic is like walking a tight rope. I think lot's of it is also learning to choose and pick one's battle's. When my dad was alive.....and ill, I lived w/my parents and was helping them w/doctor visits. At that time my sister was there a lot, and also since she was dad's favorite became very involved. But then I was younger, and many times we were at odds. But the day came when we had a huge blow out, because I found out while dad was in the hospital a very strange story! He was recuperating from colon cancer surgery.

My sister was at mom's house w/her two young girls. I was getting ready to leave for work, and heard my sister say something about a robbery involving dad. I had no knowledge of this, and was in earshot. I tried asking mother about it, and she behaved as if were talking to the wall. Now my sister angrily, told me that dad had been to the bank, made a withdrawal of 20,000 dollars. On his way home some men started to ram my poor father's small truck several times and made dad pull over. They threatened him with a gun and made him give over the cash. Dad was about 81 yrs. old when this happened. He didn't want to drive to his home, of course so proceeded to my sister's who lived the next town over.
She says my dad was crying and very scared when he arrived.

So the next thing I asked was, when did this happen?
She said, "About a month and a half ago." Why did I not know this fact????
Hiding information which my sister is an expert at. I then asked whether they'd reported it to the police and the bank. My sister told me, that no. I was totally thrown back by this answer. So I told her, that this is wrong, it should be reported, "what on earth?" Anyway, this totally escalated. I started to see my sister squirm as I was getting mad about this story. This became an argument, about how I don't love dad, blah di blah. Definitely smoke and mirrors. It was now some competition about who loved dad more, etc. I told her, she had no right judging how much I loved my father, and who the h*** did she think she is?
She stormed out of there w/her two girls.

So now, my mom and me were there by ourselves. I looked at mother in the eyes, and asked her, "Why did dad w/draw so much cash, and who was it for?"
She oh so reluctantly fessed up, it was for my sister. He was giving it to her, so she could put some money down on a new vehicle. Aha! Alas, I got to the bottom of the reason why my sister, and dad didn't want to report this crime.

Anyway, yes Glad you ask a very good question. This story needless to say caused a terrible situation in terms of how my sister and I would deal w/one another with regards to dad's escalating health needs. There was a lot of fall out as you can imagine. So this time around, mom's in Hospice, so I do think about the fact that I just don't want it to become as unbearable as it became right before we lost dad, w/my sibling. As I've said, I'm just going to take other avenues, so that I engage as minimally as possible my sister.

That taught me alot, and believe me, I hold my tongue many times, and only because, I try to have enough conscience that even if mom has ALZ, if there's even a flicker of memory, I don't want it to be a bad one.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thank you for the thread. I, for one, am not doing so well. My daughters (11 and 14) were on Spring Break last week. Husband took three days off, so we could do things together. We didn't go anywhere in particular, just stayed around our city and did fun things. It was very nice.

Now everyone is back to work and school - and I have to go back to my reality which is dealing with my mother. My dad died over years ago. My sister showed up at my Mom's in AZ long enough to steal her Bose stereo and her walker...yes. Her walker. My sister was having knee surgery and decided she needed the rolling walker more than my mom did. She left my mother alone with the old walker (the one with the tennis balls on the bottom), no food in the house, and no funeral arrangements for my dad.

I got out there to find my mother very thin, wobbly, smoking like a chimney and pretty much a mess. We got her back her, but not until she fell and broke a hip the day before we were suppose to fly to Indy. Long story short, I had to leave her alone for surgery because my then 11 year old (now 14) was falling apart at school because I was gone so much. (my dad's funeral was in MI, mom was in AZ and I was in IN - get the picture). I was flying back and forth. My sister sat at her house in NM. Although she did make it to Michigan to cause a scene at the funeral, so the extended family (dad's and mom's families) no longer speak to me. Dysfunctional? Yes.

Anyway...to today. My mother has lung cancer. The radiation she had has damaged her left lung probably more than the cancer had. The oncologist recommended I call Hospice at this point. He also talked to her about all of this - she's not a candidate for further treatment. She is competent, so even though I have POA, I have little power. She is narcissistic, which I only realize recently when the hospital SW pointed it out. I just thought she was mean and selfish ;-) . She has been in the hospital 3 times in 6 weeks. Refuses to do any OT or PT. Makes the staff where she lives bring her meals up. Argues with me about anything I do - never right or good enough.

Now she needs Hospice, but is still in denial. Wants to see the oncologist again because she just knows there is some magic pill that will fix everything...always has thought that. She's been searching for that pill my whole life....sigh.

My sister called me yesterday, and she wanted to talk about the Baptismal and how well it went. She started to talk ad naseum about her grandchildren.
I thought she may be sizing me up, to ask whether I could go relieve at some point for caregiving. But, I'm no longer available for this. She really did it this time. Her calls are going to voice mail too. This is how I'm going to disarm her.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad,

About your email to your sister, narcissists lack compassion for others.
Do you think trying to explain to her that you'd never do the same to her regard ing her son, well.....I just wonder whether she even takes any of the information in. Something they do very well.
It's best to just totally disengage. It is different for you this time around since you already went through the Thanksgiving fiasco. Now, you do have the guardian on your side, which is good. Just try your best if you've decided not to attend, well your already doing a great deal of disarmament right there. But if emails are a source of angst, you're really going to have to resist the temptation to answer to them. One big reason I went to the baptismal is that, the mom of the baby is my Goddaughter. We'll get through this mess, and I'm happy that I've made you think.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

And the enabling statement has me thinking. Is it enabling to want to try to have at least a cordial relationship with sisters for mom's well being and happiness?

Veronica,

Maybe you see some of this as enabling, however I will say that when one has to also trying to get around some of this, plus other relationships w/in the family....and at the center of all of this is a sick parent, it's not easy at times deciphering some of this stuff too. I'm still learning a lot about narcissism, as I'm sure we all are. I just have to be more on my guard w/my sister. But I'm sure, just as Glad.....we are trying to learn.

Thanks,
Much Love & Light1 Margeaux

Veronica, yes sociopaths are hard to recognize! My ex husband was diagnosed narcissist/sociopath. They are so cunning and manipulative. They know how to play on people's weaknesses. The laws don't apply to them. They lie and blame others. They steal .The only way they can change is for them to recognize their problem and lots of therapy. Usually never happens. They are stuck at the maturity level when their trauma happened. The seagull's are scavengers. Good comparison!

Wow lots to think about here. but one funny thing somes to mind. last summer we had a family vacation on the beach in Delaware which is incredibly popular both with people and seagulls. Emjo's remark about seagulls reminded me that if ai ever brough pizza on the beach to hang on tight beauce the seagulls had a nasty habit of swooping down and stealing it right out of your hand. so beware of swooping seagulls even if they come disguised as sisters!.
it takes a life time of experience to regognize the sociopaths in out midst unless of course you are highly trained in psychology. Yoou just can't believe they could be so evil. No I don't think they can change. I think they can hide their true personalities if it helps them further their own agendas. Religion may help but I am not even sure they are capable of that.
I believe baby showers are usually given by the friends of the expectant mother and are usually spontaniously arranged by same friends. Children are not usually invited. light refreshments are usually served nothing elaborate or expensive.
Book from what you have said children have a very different place in your native society than in western culture in general. They seem to be more warmly welcomed. Your family seems to be different because you seem to be multicultural. Hope I have not got that wrong or been offensive. When I first joined AC and began reading your posts and you referred to your island I assumed it was a remote island off the coast of the US mainland or maybe Hawaii

I don’t know if a person can change their personality. The only way it can be done is if they found “the Light” or “God”. Then, they will be willing to struggle hard to change their personality. Even then, it would take years to change. Both your sisters enjoy being in the driver’s seat. They don’t see any reason to change now.

Sharyn, I’m so glad that the house was sold so quickly. ::: As for your daughter’s 2 friends. Friend A is trying to make it a three-some. After that, it depends on which person she likes the most. If she likes Friend B more, then she will try to be B’s bestest friend, and start excluding your daughter. If she likes your daughter, she will subtly sabotage their friendship (daughter + B). I hope your daughter takes your advice. I’d also advice her to cut back in sharing her personal life with Friend A. How would she feel when the babies come? Will she feel excluded? Neglected? Moved to the back burner? Maybe ask daughter how she responds whenever she talks about the babies. Her gut feelings.

Sharyn, how do you people celebrate baby showers? Here on island, most of the games are for the children who came to the party. The adults playing games are usually for bridal showers. But with baby showers, it’s centered on the children. We try not to include alcohol/beer because we don’t want anyone getting drunk. Again, because the kids. Or am I mixing this with the Catholic baby baptismal party? Forget it. I could be confusing the two. I rarely go to parties because I usually come home to do my shift – when I’m not at work. But, you can do the shower and think of the children.

Well, I had a post going here but lost it. The jest of it is that I know my posts about my pending grand kids does not tie in with DYS families, it is part of my life and gives me a diversion from my parents home selling, cancer, and my sister's demands.

My daughter had an appointment on March 31st and an ultra sound is done at every appointment because of twins. The tech guessed that it "looks like the babies are 2 BOYS". We will know definitely on April 29th when they do an anatomy screening.

Invites have been sent, pink and blue M&M's are ordered. A friend is making buttons...15 are boy/boy, 15 are girl/girl and 10 are boy/girl. I am not planning any games as my hubby's family is not very adventurous, the men would not participate. I do plan to have my mother cut the cake and my fil will lift the first slice out to reveal the color of the M&M's for the gender reveal.

I will be glad when this is over as I feel like the shower should be something my daughter's friends should do for her, but since she does not live in Cali, my daughter does not want to ask them to do it. I am spending extra on this so I can have more time to enjoy it..such as veggie/fruit trays that I would normally make myself. Just trying not to stress myself out like I did with her wedding by doing everything myself.

Speaking of personality disorders, my daughter texted me earlier tonight that she has a friend who has recently started horning in on my daughter when she has plans with another friend. She has taken the initiative of calling my daugher's other friend (she is not the other woman's friend) and inviting herself to join them. My daughter asked me if her feeling like the friend A is trying to make friends with friend B so she can exclude my daughter is true or if it is hormonal due to her pregnancy. I told my daughter that I don't know if friend A is trying to exclude you as much as she sounds very manipulative. I told her NOT to let friend A know what her plans are or who she will be spending time with in the future because if she sees you as her only friend, she is most likely jealous of your time with other people. Beware, people with personality disorders show up when you don't expect it and they are very damaging to your self esteem.

Glad~You have every reason to have that wall up....detaching emotionally from your sister is necessary for your health. If the SW thinks she can help your sis be a better person, then as you said, "have at it". In my experience with personality disorders, they can't change.There were some years where I thought my mother had changed because I didn't have to deal with the intrusiveness that she imposed on my 3 older siblings. I thought she learned her lesson. Later I learned this was not true. The truth is, my 3 siblings are the children she had planned, I was not planned for and I was the forgotten child until the older 3 had married and moved out. I was 12 years old then, that was when the abuse was unleashed on me. The older 3 were my mother's focus, especially my sister and eldest brother. When I got married, I believe it was a relief for my mother to not have to financially support me anymore, I was only 19 years old, but I knew I was a burden for her. Babysitting the grand kids was a burden, taking care of my father when he had Alz was a burden. Take care of yourself emotionally, don't respond to your sis's emails...change your email address.

Veronica,
I always listen to what others have to say. And to some extent you are probably right. Before Christmas the SW worked and talked me into dealing with this crazy woman for my mother's benefit. So I went along, had her for Christmas Eve brunch so we could all be together for mom. Sis would not even enter the house until SW arrived, then rang the bell. Very odd, indeed. So I gradually let down my guard to then receive the nastygram. Well my stone wall is up and in full force now. It will not come down again. SW said that she is going to work with sis to try to get her to back off. So I then asked SW if it is even possible for a narcissist to change the way they treat certain people, me. sat least she responded the she is not sure but wanted to give it a shot. So I told her have at it. But, I am DONE! Just wish this would not impact my ability to be with my kids. If kids want to see her, fine, which I have told them numerous times. Just do not expect me to participate.

veronica - thanks - I have been disengaging when my sis gets nasty. I know I can't change her, I see no benefit to responding to her nastiness. I know she gets a kick out of making her targets uncomfortable, and then taking no responsibility for it, but throwing others under the bus. She is expert at the seagull approach - fly in, squawk and sh*t over everyone and fly out. In her own eyes she is pure as the driven snow. So be it. I am distancing myself more and more. Some contact may be necessary when mothers health worsens, when she dies, at the funeral, but I will keep it to a minimum. I know there will be hurtful remarks and maybe actions - again so be it. There will be an end to it eventually, Frankly, I don't think my not reacting will stop her, as the whole family dynamic thing is too deeply rooted, but I can lessen the stress and damage to me.by detaching. It is not a perfect solution but the better option.

Sorry the dementia is acting up tonight I meant hard shell. 30 years too late to blame it on menopause. Never smoked and did not take HRT

Glad and Margeux. You are both in a similar situations with narcissists and you know what I think you are both enablers.
OK sorry you can send me nasty messages. But think about it how do these two women get their jollies. They get them by seeing the reactions they have on you and the havoc they create in your lives. You can't help how you feel it is so upsetting when a family member who should love you treats you as a worthless piece of a living organism to be quished with the heel of her shoe at every opportunity. So stop enabling them, form your own chapter of narcissists annonymous. By all means get pissed off or have a good cry whatever works for you or better yet go and pound rocks with the Capt he needs a new helper. find a big one and write the offenders name on it in big letters and pound away. When they see they are not having an effect on you they will find other victims. i would tell you to grow a hard sheel but these people will still find a way to slip sand into it. better yet become a procupine and everytime you are badly treated send a few barbs in their direction. Blessings

She is so bizarre. In the e-mail I sent to her I told her I would never say or do anything that could potential interfere with her relationship with her son. So, what does she do? Send this freaking e-mail to my kids as well!

She also made sure everybody knew that an invitation like this should be met with "excitement and happiness". Then later in the e-mail talks about that Thanksgiving when I invited her and how mad that made her and she acquiesced to the invitation. And then two years ago, she was invited here to have dinner with the family. She again was pissed off and decided to go elsewhere.

Such conflict within her. Do as I say, not as I do.

Glad,

I can completely understand you not wanting to go to this Easter gathering, especially after your sister did what she did. Believe me, I did toy w/the idea of a no show myself yesterday. My sister's method of operation where narcissism is concerned is very passive aggressive style. She does it so sneakily, thinks people don't notice......and then tries to just behave as if nothing happened.
Of course this isn't much better than the way your sister is committing her violation against you. This is horrible. O.K., try not to feel too bad about it, by looking for something to distract yourself with. This helped me a lot this past week, in the peak of my madness.

Big hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad where is the baptism itself going to be held. if it is a public place no one can prevent you from attending unless the baby's parents would prefer you not attend. you do not need to attend further celebrations at anyone's home. if you are on good terms with the baby's parents you can arange a visit with them at their home to present any baby baptismal gift you may have chosen. keep away from sister's home and visit Mom unless prohibited by your sister from entering her home at any time. Visit Mom when Sis is at work. crying is not an illigal activity so go ahead. mom won't mind and she is the important person here Close the part of your mind that recognises narcissists. File your sister under the portion that holds people you do not want or need to deal with. your kids are managing to deal with her so follow their lead. Start each day new she is just a noisy noise on the side lines if you go next week she will be the one crying after you hit her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The truth hurts.
Blessings

Margeaux,
Thank you for that, yes you give me more to think about. I will not be going next Sunday as in sister's rant I was told the only tears permitted would be from my grandchildren if they fell off a swing or something, and if I had a tear I would be asked to leave. The good thing about that, she sent this garbage to my kids. I know what I would do if I were them, make other plans. I know she is just doing her narcissist thing but just as things seem to start to get better she will strike out at me, and sabotage everything. I just do not have the ability to deal with her on any level. Kind of funny but her rant brought up me referring to her by a terrible name two years ago but didn't bring up me calling her a narcissist to her face. SW said she didn't because it is true, the rest was too, but oh well. More later going to breakfast with a friend.

Sharynmarie,

Whew, what a relief! I'm glad you got a decent offer.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sad,

Yes, it's that old adage, "Living vicariously through another, " isn't it!
Sick, if you ask me.

Margeaux

Gee, what happened w/double closing.
Margeaux