The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Glad,

The other day when I was at my sister's, after she'd made me totally annoyed w/everything going on......I was thinking of the Hospice, the nurse who was there, then the social worker I talked to, when my sister got mad. I also thought of the fact that she'd just had a "B" celebration for mom, and had invited the juvenile delinquent in the family (she's 40 now), but that's how long she's been living life like a train wreck. Drugs has always been in background. Well, sister who had forbidden her to come to visit our battle ax aunt, because the niece made one last attempt to bilk our aunt out of $$ before she died just 2 yrs., ago. So last weekend, I come to find out that my sister invited her to mom's "B," event.
When I was there the other day, my sis's daughter asked me whether I came to the "B," event, and I said, "No." I then told daughter juv. delinq. was there, and clumsily said, "that I could not figure out why her mom, would let her guard down and invite her." My niece replied, something like, her mom knows what juv. delinquent is all about, etc, and that she's not going to allow juv. delinquent to totally come into the family. I too have known my sister all my life,
so yes I agree w/you, and maybe we have different perspectives towards a sister, vs. a daughter, a mom/aunt. Sometimes the individual being stepped upon is going to feel unfairly on the outs when it comes to this type of family dynamics. In my situation I realized that my sister's daughter is either naive, defender of mom, (she's that), & I'll throw in that....she can't keep her mouth shut, either. Thinking about it I realized that there was an expectation on my part that my niece would see it, as I was viewing it. I guess we can feel any which way about matters, but not everyone thinks like we do either. Hopefully if we come to this reality......it could serve for ourselves to make better choices as to how we want to react to a variety of situations, which are super challenging. This is definitely one of them.

As corny as it may sound, but we do have our own lessons to learn.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Hang in there,
I'm doing the same
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, you make me think. I am relieved, I think that is what I am feeling, that my son has my back. I wish daughters would as well. But the last thing I would want is for my bratty, narcissistic sister to start in on them because they didn't do as she wants. Right now she uses them as a tool to get their attention and her way. They all say that they see it, but continue to allow her to manipulate them in this way, leaving me feeling hurt. That is interesting in itself, because if my sister were to treat any of my kids this was that would hurt more. I have known my sisters all their lives, so know them quite well. Sis has always been a manipulator, but thinking about it I do not think she sets about causing the hurt maliciously, I think it is just the way she is. That is terribly sad. Talking with the social worker\guardian yesterday she sees it very clearly, now. Back at Christmas time she had heard so many awful things about me and had not had a chance to get to know me yet.

Guardian has my back and mom's. Now she is on sister's case about her treatment of me particularly when bringing up her histrionics with my kids. I had told her I wanted her to stay out of the Easter thing completely. But when sis sent her rant, copied my kids and SW I decided to let her have at it. SW thought it was excellent timing, didn't think sister would do something like this, but at the same tim not at all surprised by it. I only gave SW one request which was to make sis as stressed as I was over Christmas. She said she would. And SW agrees sis is a narcissist, where as just a few months ago she would only say that there may be a bit of narcissist there. Thank you sis for doing an exemplary job of showing everybody what you are and how you treat people.

Glad,

She's a narcissist, and I think I read that you don't confront them.
So in other words, what would you really gain by responding to her mondo bizarro email anyway? May I ask you a question? Do you expect for your kids say email her and tell her off, let her have it? I mean I do understand that being in your shoes. It sounds like your son must have told her some kind of thing to maybe let her know she should put the brakes. But sometimes other people we feel that should get onboard w/our issues w/another person w/in the family, they just don't want to get involved.
When our narcissistic aunt was reigning queen during her life, she said and did some outrageious things. I once was part of it when I live at mom's, (where she resided), but then left, because I wasn't willing to live in the same house.
While I had several issues.....my sister-never told her much what I was experiencing w/our aunt, because my sister and me had too much tension in those day. We still have it, but mom's condition has made it so we try harder, if you can imagine to work together, but she still sends the message out loud and clear, she's in control. But even if my sis knew some of the issues at that time, she would never speak up to our aunt. My brothers, they don't even figure into this pic, since they live so far, and aren't partipatory for they to even notice any violations incurred by me. Anyway my point is.....that sometimes unfortunately,
we just have to let things be, and evolve in some way. O.K., I don't know whether I'm making any sense. But believe me.......I am glad for you that at least it sounds like your son has your back.

I'm happy to hear you had a good time at the game.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

My sinuses have been giving me a battle.
What I notice is if I haven't done the nasal washes,
I get these horrible bags under my eyes, and even my
forehead by the inner brow area, seems almost puffy, and stressed.
So I just did a nasal wash, and WOW, the bags look way better, and
my forehead doesn't look like it did before I did the wash. There must be a tremendous amount of crap in the air right now. Anyway, I just wanted to share this with anyone, who wants to do a little beauty treatment. It does help us feel better about ourselves.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

So I just returned from the Baptismal reception. I decided not to go to the church function. The reception is all I could handle. But I must say.....that I chanted and sent out good vibes so even if there was stress to be had w/my sister.....I wasn't going to feed into it. I was also somewhat concerned that the female relative on the daughter of my sis's, who competes w/sis, and visa versa was going to be there, because then this event would have been so much tension. Remember?
These two were competing to show who was the greatest grandma, and great aunt, at my great nephews "B," party. Why do some of these people take their family roles so dog gone seriously??? Anyway, she didn't show up. My sister, was o.k., all in all. But I made it a point to move about so in case I may be cornered. Mom stayed in her room the entire time. She looked quite good, better than Mon, and last week. We think she's recuping the strength. My sister even said, she'd taken her to get her nails done. There was quite a crowd there, but the noisiest ones were some small kids. But mom slept through a lot of it.
I'm glad it's over!
O.K., I'll dock in a little later, as I have to re-read posts.

I hope everyone is doing a.o.k.!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Had a wonderful time with son and daughter-in-law. Minimum chat about wacked out sister! But, he did tell me he responded assertively only to her on her last e-mail rant to all my kids and other sister. Good for him! About damn time! He didn't even read the entire e-mail, he might. Wacko sister even wrote what is to happen to her only child son when she and her ex pass. Really?! She is concerned about relationship between cousins and emotional support for her "darling" son. It is never "my son" always some sappy adjective appears with it.

Happy Saturday everyone! Hugs to everyone dealing with narcissism and senility today.

Well, we did not go to the hospital yesterday, mom is improving with the antibiotics. She also recently (two months ago) started an additional antidepressant, Buspar (in addition to Paxil and Klonopin), and interestingly, it seems to be helping her quite a bit. There has been a huge reduction in her need to rehash her poor childhood, which is quite a relief. Right now she is mainly struggling with a rapid decline in her ability to care for herself, and with terrible, terrible loneliness.

I've honestly told her that I (and my family for that matter) cannot cure her loneliness. More/longer visits aren't the answer. She lives close by, but the visits are draining and I end up doing all her chores (trash, sorting mail etc.) She doesn't want outside help, she fired the person we had hired to come help her twice per week. She only wants me, and it is too much for me (even without the dysfunctional history, this would be too much for me). So we've had a discussion with her, telling her honestly that she might be happier in an assisted living facility. She actually seems to agree with us at this point, so now the search for the right place will begin. Not easy times ahead, but things are going about as smoothly as they could right now, and for that I am thankful.

{{{hugs}}} friends

book - don't mean to leave you out, Wondering how you are doing. I know you have been trying to deal with high cholesterol and stress. Hope your dad is not getting more difficult to care for.

Austin - gardening - wow! We have snow again

Iwentanon - hope your foot is quite healed

veronica - is the hired help actually helping with the piles of paper?

everyone else - take care

sad - what a difficult situation. I know about the nasty emails and they really did a number on me. Fortunately mother stopped using her computer ,but then started with the nasty phone calls which was harder on me. I have told the social worker if that happens again I am not taking calls from her any more. I totally agree - the less time the better. Fun with mother - never happened!
Sorry about the suspicions of cancer. That would be very difficult. What do you think she would want? This isn't fun is it and no one prepared us for this. Maybe a good thing or we would have run miles long ago. (((((((hugs)))))

Sharyn -so glad the sale fell into place with no more hassle. That is a blessing. Hopefully the stress and work will decrease for you now, and your sis will relax more. Your mother seems to be fairy well settled, though I know that can change, Glad you have an ally at your old work and hope you get back there permanently soon. So hard about your niece. I cannot imagine what she is going through. Prayers for all.

norest - hope the weekend passes without too much dysfunction. My sis breezes in and upsets the apple cart too, then gets nasty to me.

glad - I don't think I am even going to stand up to my sis any more. I have cut her off. When mother gets settled in her new place, I will see that sis is informed, though I think mother is still capable of making phone calls and she has sis's number. I have not yet figured out how I will convey info to sis. It will be through someone else but not sure who - probably her daughter. I doubt my kids want anything to do with their aunt after her last performance.

margeaux - I am sorry this is turning into such a circus. It seems to be all about your sis rather than about your mum. I hope the parties are not too hard on mum. I got a bill from other's lawyer I have to pay for her about estate planning -re a visit my mother and sis made during the fiasco in November. I suppose they were trying to force their way, and possible get me in trouble too. I think I would rather not know the details. If I am cut out of her will - which is my sis's aim - so be it. It won't change what I do for mother anyway.

chimp -you sound exhausted. Hope the hospital trip is beneficial. She is NOT going to stay with you - right? Maybe she needs time in rehab. I hope you can arrange some time off for you. Oz sounds good. It sure helps to learn about narcissism and how to deal with it.

Alison - difficult seeing the policy - what a trigger!!! Also difficult communicating with your dad about the insurance. How are you doing? I am sure it has brought up many emotions. (((((hugs))))

The latest report from the hospital says that mother is pacing the halls trying to bring on heart failure. This is funny in a way as exercise is more likely to keep her healthy longer. In another way, it is very sad. I hope as the drug takes effect, her quality of life improves and she has some contentment, not that that was ever high on her list of priorities. She really only wanted to make her 100th birthday, and would have been happy to die not long after that. We don't always get what we want.

Joan-so happy your vacation was so relaxing! Whatever works to get them to take the meds, LOL! The only way I could get my mom to take the anti-depressant was to tell her it was for the toe nail fungus.

Yes, the house sold yesterday, an :older couple paying cash and waiting for their condo to close escrow by the end of the month. We got a good price, we knew if we waited, we would get better than the low ball offer we got the first week. After having to fight with my sis about calling me wanting immediate answers while I'm at work, I am glad it is over and no renovating.

Margaeux - sounds a bit possessive and I sure wouldn't want anyone watching my baby try to take over like that...geez she is a caregiver. My daughters mother in law is like that too- well soon to be ex - but she wouldn't have been more thrilled if my my daughter had just fallen off the face of the earth and she could have the grandsons to raise. She even forgets that I too am their grandmother! Lol - I don't compete and let her look like a fool when she tries to do the one up game. I enjoy the show and just don't participate.

Yes - my mother used to golf quite a bit. Her live as I grew up consisted of golf, bridge, reading, laying by the pool, drinking and fighting with my dad. Oh yeah - once in a while she did something with my brother or I - but only if she had too. I don't recall having a fun shopping trip, lunch, movie, stroll somewhere with her ever. Which was fine - less time around her the better! She would only say things to make me feel bad anyway -

So much for that - got a email from her doctor - they did a ct scan on her as she has had a cough for months and nothing is helping...they honestly think it is cancer - she has had it twice - smoker all her life. So then comes the question - what if it is...then what? She is almost 80 - and the last surgery she had resulted with her having the stroke. Ugh -

Emjo: bahahahahahahaha.. removal of sex glands. Love it! Took our sweet 118 lb Saint/golden for a walk/swim at the park! Loving the sunshine! Vitamin D needed it!

Hi all - tried posting a couple of nights ago but lost it. We have a couple of roomers for a few months and a testosterone war broke out between them and G, as they invaded his space after being told not to. One is a lad who did renos for me a few years ago so he feels at home! I have never seen G so angry, I was placating him, telling the lad off, explaining things to the other one, setting boundaries... think it is sorted out. They brought with them a beautiful labradoodle called Baxter. I will post a pic of him as my avatar for a bit. He is a sweetie.
Slowly crawling out of the post holiday stuff and a "herx" reaction to the antifungal I have been taking due to a candida flare up. I still have a mountain of laundry to do. G and I had a fantabulous time on vacation. Sunshine, temps in low 80s, palm trees, blue skies, aqua ocean... I have come back a changed woman. Every caregiver needs vacations like that!

Now for a laugh - mother has been taking her antipsychotic as the psychiatrist told her it was for the removal of her sex glands!!! Bwahahahaha - he gets top marks for that. The social worker says she has noticed a positive change in that mother is not obsessing about things as she was. She has been moved to another unit and has a new psychiatrist so I have an appointment to meet her in a couple of weeks. Hopefully, I can also get to mother's tax person then too. The plan is to move mother to a facility with a mental health mandate. I will have some input into which facility. Undoubtedly it will be smaller than what she has now, so Gary and I will not only be in the moving business again but also selling some of her stuff as most of it is new. She will not have a kitchen, but will eat in the dining room, which will remove the problem of having someone shop for her. I believe they are moving her up a level in terms of assistance, and her costs will be about half of what they are now. This should be a win-win for everyone, but in a dysf fam it is unlikely that will last for long.

Hi to those who have not posted for a while - your stories are so familiar. I will post more as I come out of the candidia/herx fog.
Margeaux I am sorry your mum is declining. Sharyn - glad the house is sold, even though I know you have mixed feelings, Glad - I have ignored my sis's latest nasties and stopped writing her. Alison - that is a tear jerker for sure. (((((hugs))))))

Happy Saturday - do something good for you today. For me right now, that s breakfast! Love to all

Veronica-
Nope, not wasting my time on her, the Licensed Professional Counselor, she is a nut job (as is norest's), kids see it, but acquiesce to her. I just do not get it. But, I guess that is what a narcissist does so well.

Glad. Don't waste your emotions on sis, you know the truth and your son has told you your kids do understand. Just believe him and move on. When sis stops getting a reaction out of you she will turn her attention somewhere else. Enjoy the game with your son.

Oooooohhhhhh........ It is daughter dearest's weekend to stay with her mother.She is such a nutjob she expects her 94 yr old mother with Alzheimer's to still take care of her. There goes the schedule. the diet, and probably will pilfer more of her mother's belongings. She's entitled you know!

Margeaux, Try to enjoy yourself today. I am going to a CSU, the C is for Colorado, spring football scrimmage with my son. He says he and my daughters see what my narcissistic sister is doing. Why am I the only one to stand up to the B***CH!

Margeaux and chimp-
Yup here we go again. Chimp interesting how you mention the Wizard of OZ, one I will definitely have to check out.

Christmas was a nightmare for me, did something I really did not want to do mostly due to pressure by mom's new limited guardian. She did not know any of us very well then, was just selected in mid-November, approved by court mid January. Now she knows us much better and understands what sister's narcissistic behavior is doing to this family, and especially my grown children. Sis tells guardian that she wants to move forward and work at making things better between us. Then sends out a "Happy Easter" email to me and my kids going into detail about what I have done to her, including a thanksgiving seven, yes seven years ago. As I lay awake here this morning I am trying to figure out how to respond to her most recent narcissistic rant without causing additional rift between my children and myself.

Was thinking about replying to all, and simply say that bringing up all my wrongdoings over the past 7 years does nothing but bring attention to your own narcissistic behavior that hopefully everyone understands as well as I do.

Book~I don't know about my mom's co-worker. I was just shocked at how she answered the phone and clearly did not want to talk to me. She has visited my mom once. Maybe she feels I am going to pressure her to visit. That is her choice, she is the one that told me over and over again how she just loves my mom, how my mom was the only one at work who would help her. I guess those are her good memories to hold on to, I can't fault her for that, and I am the reminder of the present.

Gladimhere,

How ya doing? I read your bahumbug, yikes! I have one of those events tomorrow at the Baptismal! But I'm going w/my camera in tow, and taking pics of the babies. This way I'll get lost in that, and I won't focus so much on my sister's bad vibes.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sad1daughter,

Honestly, my sister referring to mother in this manner is very creepy!
It's probably part of her possessive nature. Interesting how she does it too,
when I've started to ask more than the general questions about mom's health, as a result of her recent hospitalization. I know my sister doesn't like being asked anything about mom. Instead of just being able to have an informative conversation about it....she becomes very defensive. I believe this is when she referred to mom, like this.

She also boastfully told me that her 24 yr. old daughter has referred to this niece's godson (her sister's 2 yr. old), as "her baby," since she babysits him all week, while the mom is working! I mentioned something like, "that I hope this niece wasn't saying this to his mom." I'm sure my other niece would not like hearing this. My sister and her clan have no sense of boundaries.

Has your mother ever played golf?
Wow, your brother stays in touch w/your mom, since you mentioned he was by Mother's Day!

The worst part that gets me about people like our dysfunctional relatives is that they really try to insult our intelligence.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book,

My mother has a Living Will. I did go w/the siblings about a year ago, after our aunt died to sign some legal documents. According to what I understood.....mom's assets are to be divided equally between the four siblings.
I've never actually read the will. All I know is that many years ago.....when I returned after being away 3 yrs., in Europe, I did see a copy of some kind of will when dad was alive. Of course, golden boy was named POA at that time, then our other brother and my sister. Interesting how my name at that time didn't even appear there. Then, the last few years it changed, when our aunt changed whatever portion she wrote. Mom's changed also. It's real complicated.......and the dividing up of assets, I'll believe that the day we go to hear the will read.
On this note.....I don't trust any of them, and I have to say even though mom has ALZ, before she was diagnosed, she made sure to it......that our brother's were at the forefront of all of the will. Now my sister is, as well as our youngest brother.
The controller, and our youngest brother......nothing is ever expected of him.
He's a nice guy, but extremely emotionally detached. Never has to struggle with any of mother's hands on care and the like. Yet he's way higher on the totem pole than I am. I'm sure golden boy will be too in the end. You see they all have kids, mom's grandkids. So I know how my mom used to think that they should be the ones who have priority in terms of having the family belongings.
So we shall see.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Oh and by the way, since my last post here, I've been studying narcissism. I've discovered that my mom is absolutely a narcissist, of the "victim" variety. I also have come to discover that my ex-husband was a narcissist (he was hyper-critical and controlling), as is a "friend" (musical collaboration partner) who has the "grandiose" complex and feels completely entitled. It has been a journey of discovery for sure, but one that has left me in a near-constant state of "life review," and not wanting to meet any new people! I read a book called "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" and it is a GREAT book... it was very hard to read, as every paragraph described either my mom, ex-husband, or my collab partner. I had to read it in small chunks as it was very intense!

Hi all! I haven't posted in awhile, things have been sort of ok and I've kept busy with other things. I suspect I'm headed to a hospital today though, either today or over the weekend. Mom has been feeling nauseous and yesterday I took her to the doctor and long story short, she has a raging UTI. Also, she had a fairly major dental procedure done last week which was meant to be cosmetic but it turned up an infected tooth. She started the antibiotics for the tooth, but two days later the nausea kicked in, so she stopped taking the antibiotic. It was a horrible four hours and I was exhausted and non-functional the rest of the day. I feel so bad for her, she truly is sick and feels awful, but it is just terrible to watch her pour on the "poor me" at the doctor's office. I feel even worse and extra guilty because I don't have the empathy for her that I normally would. I took her there and dealt with the doctor and "did my job," but I don't have it in me to wrap my arms around her and support her physically down the hallway (the medical assistants did that, along with lots of sweet talk). The doctor actually suggested she stay with us for the next few days or weeks, and I practically keeled over at the mere thought of that. There's just no way that can happen.

So... after a two hour doctor visit and an antibiotic shot in the backside, I took her home. I collected her prescriptions and shopped for foods she might be able to eat, dropped them off for her and made sure she was somewhat comfortable. Then I came home. My husband called her last night and she is anxious to hear from me first thing this morning. As the infection has caused her to be quite nauseous, she hasn't eaten and has barely been drinking for several days now. I suspect I will be taking her to the hospital today. I know I must do this, but I was so VERY wiped out after yesterday, and I'm just not ready to do it again... hospital will be 8 hours, not 4. She doesn't seem to know which end is up, talks about inappropriate and unimportant things, and merely sitting next to her gives me the shakes, as her entire aura seems to be constantly shaking. Thanks for listening!

Thanks for the comments...nice to know you are here-
One thing is - I have to monitor her emails as she sends out crazy stuff - like to Amazon and such - she has bills come to it - so unfortunately - I need to see them.

Margeaux - interesting about your sister making those comments and yes, a little creepy about calling your mom her baby! Last time I spoke to my brother, his take on mom was WAY different than what he has said in the last 40 years! He has always loathed her and has never said a kind word about her. Once she and I started to really battle - he tells me that he remembers having a great time with her, playing golf and going to lunch??? What? Really? The time before that he said he was going to send her " you know this flowers when you die, calla lilies. I will see you at the funeral". That was on Mother's Day last year. What changed? Does he think she can write him a check for gas money now? It's sad what happens to families when someone gets sick. My husbands family fell apart when his father died. We no longer have a relationship with either of his sisters or thier kids. And there wasn't even any money involved!

As for my mother - I continue to get email orders to do things for her - toaster ovens, iPhones, money, having her sweat pants hemmed by a professional (really?). Oh and I got an email from her doctor last night. She had an appt with her yesterday- mom insisted that she can go home because now I live there and her friends can help her. Um - I live 3 hrs away and go there about once a month to take care of the house - and her 1 friend had a knee replacement and is 84.

I forgot who suggested writing her a nice card...that is a good idea, however, I have done that and even that doesn't work., sadly. Ah the life with a narsistic mother.

Big hugs for everybody out there today. I feel like it must be the moon phase or something, making for extra crazy lately.

Easter, bahumbug! Christmas fiasco is repeating itself.

Sharyn, I don't know about your mom's former co-worker. Maybe she was trying to reconfirm that you all were selling the house. Maybe she thinks you all don't have a right to sell while your mom is still alive. :::: I'm glad that your deli manager is trying to get you back. Sooooo, why is she now being proactive? She missed her hard-working worker? Too many slackers and no one getting things done on schedule? Whatever is the reason, let's hope it's enough incentive for her to really bat for you. :::: I may watch those HLN shows but even I know that it's best to get professionals in to do it (esp. since I know zilch about renovating). And even if you get professionals, if you don't know what you're doing, the pros can scam you out of thousands of dollars because of your ignorance. Just leave the house "as is" because you don't want to fix something that's not broken. You might end up opening a can of worms!

Margeaux, does your mom have a will? Otherwise, sis will end up with the bulk of your mom's assets - especially since she's always been so secretive.

ABB, to see that policy with your name on it must have really touched your heart and soul. All this time, he never showed appreciation. And now you see how tangible he must appreciate you and what you're doing for him.

I still go through my dad's mail. I feel soooo guilty throwing away all these "junk" mail. My dad can spend over $1,000 in a month with his herbal orders. Then it sits for months in the cupboard. Majority of it expires. "It's such a good deal, buy so many for only $300.00!!! You're saving $$$$." He falls for that ALL that time. What he doesn't take into consideration, he spends $300.00 but most times he only finished 2 bottles out of 6. When I took over, I limited his spending based on his paycheck (and stopped touching his savings). He cannot spend over the amount. If he wants to order something and we reached the limit, I tell him that he has no money and we will need to wait until next month's paycheck. He got so used to me doing that, that he now automatically asks me if he has money to order this or that.

That accidental insurance is a dud. I tried to cancel one from my savings account. I couldn't. So, I went to the bank and complained to the employee. I said that I'm going to type a letter of termination, make a copy, then send it by registered mail. She told me that it wouldn't work. A lot of patrons also did that, and the insurance continued deducting from the bank account. She then lowered her voice to a whisper. She told me to close my account. Then open a new one. When the insurance tries to automatically deduct from my old account, they can't since it's closed. It worked! I still get those solicitation letters for accidental insurance.