The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Alison - I want to add my two cents'. How about renting a Post Office box for security? You can tell dad that people have been stealing mail and that it is recommended (true). Then rent, file a change of address and change all the magazines and financial accounts by hand. You can fetch the mail daily, and check it in the car, then hand it over when you get to the house, leaving the bad stuff at the PO trash or in the trunk for shredding (pre approved credit card offers).

The other day, while my sister was trying to tell me how she thinks mom is aware that the end may be possibly near. So she starts saying that mom had told her.....that she would like for my sister to stay in her house, Now mother may have said that, I have no way of knowing this. However......I must admit.....I'm suspicious as to why my sister said this. I'm not and never have been appointed as POA, nor MPOA. So the real crux of information when it comes to mom's assets, and her health is always a mystery to me, the daughter on the periphery of all of this. Especially, after the fact that I saw my sister become so paranoid and jealous of the fact that I would talk to a social worker from Hospice, and behave as if I was dethroning her position as Queen Bee in our family for being in charge of our mom. In no way was I doing that. I just happened to be kind of at the wrong place at the wrong time, I guess....taking care of mom! Oh wow!

She also recently has been referring to mom, as, "her baby."
I find this real weird. I mean, o.k., I don't know if these feelings are sincere, or is she again trying to derive more credit, that she's so hungry for. When does someone like this get their fill, might I ask??????

Anyway, just some rambling thoughts over here.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison,

Ahhhhh! You see there is still a flicker of light there with your dad.
I realize you've written about how he doesn't cooperate, and the past.
But....this was his way, of acknowledging what a great person and daughter you are to him. I'm so happy that you got to see this on the one hand for this reason.
Of course, as you are concerned because of these unscrupulous insurance companies, well that's another story. I agree, that while it isn't necessary to bring this up with him, why go there.
O.K., I hope you get your "big girl panties;" mine are ready for Saturaday!
HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison apart from taking comfort in the fact your dad was thinking of your future. Watch the mail for further letters from whoever sold the policy and destroy those too. If he mentions anything then you may have to discus it with him but till then don't mention it, or maybe tell him you have recieved similar solicitations and how worthless they are and you hope he isn't thinking of buying a policy.

Sad1-smart move on your part..Getting the meds started. It is overwhelming getting all the nasty email and then your mom seeking support from your sil. You sound like in spite of it all you are handling it... I will not say handling it well because I know the toll it takes on us emotionally and physically dealing with dementia and a personality disorder. You have a great support system with your hubby and the therapist. We support you too!

When my mom was still living at home, I made a mail/medication run during my lunch break. The junk mail caused my mom so much anxiety...she thought she had to purchase extended warranty on the car which she no longer had or that she had to respond to all the advertising. I would remove it daily and only left the bills which we filled out checks together and I would drop at the post office. Accentical death/dismemberment policies are a scam....but Alison, your dear ole dad is thinking about your welfare and that touched in at your soul. I personally would not talk with him especially if he will forget he did it. A call to the bank may help. I don't any point in upsetting your dad if he doesn't understand. If you feel you must talk with him...maybe tell him the bank called questioning this policy because it is a weak policy.

Margeaux-i really feel for you...not only dealing with sistaking on an event parading people through the house that may create upset and confusion for your mom. Here you are processing your mom being placed on hospice and sis wanting to be the social butterfly getting all the attention. Well big girl pantries aren't a special purchase....just a regular pair pull them up tight and belt them on,Lol!

Some of you may remember me talking about my mom's former co worker who was helping us with mom's mail before Mom would let us help. She got my mom to allow us to handle her mail because she felt uncomfortable doing it. I was very grateful for this woman helping us. Well a week ago, I received a all on my cell. It was a local # and I knew it was either this woman or the dog groomer. I called the # on my break...this former co worker answered, she did not say hello...she said, sorry we called by mistake transferring #'s to a new phone. Have a great weekend goodbye...and she hung up! I told my sis about it...is that a kiss off or what? I keep thinking maybe she saw ads for the estate sale and now the house being up for sale and she has jumped to conclusions that we are out for money...I don't know what to think...just very strange.

Alison there are two things there, aren't there? - one, your Dad thinking of you, which is lovely, albeit poignant; but two - the policy is a cheeky dud, it should not be being sold to your father (accidental death or dismemberment forsooth! - big on the stock car racing circuit, is he?), it is probably low cost in terms of premiums and/but it is a dead waste of his money. Chuck it out.

Depending on the source of policy, you might feel inclined to give them a piece of your mind; but unless you can actually get them to agree not to contact your father again (some hope, especially if they're the sales-driven kind) you're wasting your breath.

It's a life lesson that we all variously take our time about learning: that insurance is a straight bet. You bet that something will happen, and the insurer (or "book maker") bets it won't. How likely is it that an elderly gentleman will die or be, God forbid, dismembered through an accident *that is not already covered by household or motor insurance n.b.*? Incredibly unlikely. So the insurer says "bet that'll never happen. Thank you for your $20 per month premium, all 450,000 of you punters" and pays out - how often, would you reckon? Ever?

Piffling little low cost insurance policies are sold to all of us all the time; and there is an interesting psychological trick to the marketing of them. It's that word "protection." "Protect your family" against - oh, I don't know, the fridge breaking down. And in our minds, protection means it won't happen. I buy this insurance, I'm protected against my fridge breaking down. I.e. my fridge won't break down. I am very happy to shell out a small amount of money to stop THAT happening.

Except of course the policy does no such thing. It means that when your fridge breaks down, you will get a repair man in a bit quicker and if you'd just stocked up, as luck would have it, on smoked salmon and it's all gone bad, you'll do quite well out of it. But the annoyance and the couple of days without a fridge? Nope. Still get those. And you'll never quite trust your old, repaired fridge again, once it's let you down. You might as well have kept the money you spent on premiums and put it towards a shiny new one.

The only insurance it is sensible to pay for is that which either is required by law or would cover you in the event of something's happening that would otherwise be financially catastrophic for you. For the latter reason, for example, it is sensible to have buildings insurance, because if you had to rebuild your house after a fire it would cost a mint and you'd have nowhere to live. But contents insurance is not so clear cut, not unless you get a policy with a substantial no claims element to it. How much of your stuff could you not live without AND not afford to replace? Probably much less than you think - and sentimental value, of course, is uninsurable, so leave out all the items you really really care about.

Sorry, I've got onto a hobby horse. Alison, you're left with the problem of how you explain to your father that you know about his application, are you? Hope you find a way to discuss it with him without offending or upsetting him - but this is the kind of trap you're absolutely right to stop him falling into.

Oh, geesh, waterworks coming…

I know my father must hear me sobbing some times in the shower, or in my room. I can't really help it and sometimes I just cry… and for all of his faults (which is mostly just that he's somehow mentally impaired), I know he doesn't want me to be sad, or resentful of him and my being here, and he knows I've done and do a lot for him…

He doesn't seem depressed at all. I mention this because when I saw it was "accidental death" policy I thought "Is he going to walk in front of a bus?" But I don't think that's even remote possibility that was part of his mindset in getting the policy. And he laughs when doctors tell him he only has 5-10 years left to live because of advancing COPD… he tells them that he's just fine. I've seen this behavior from him over and over, he will tell medical people he's living for another 30 years. I wonder to myself is it denial, or is it because his mother did actually live so much longer and he thinks he will, too? So hard for me to understand how he thinks, even after all this time with him.

His naiveté and him trying to get this policy "for me" is just breaking my heart… I needed to find some more compassion and love for him and its been so hard, given the past and the terrible father he was. I'm just so incredibly emotional right now. But… as I typed this… I had a good cry and now I'll just get on with the day. Breathing exercises are so beneficial for me at a time like this. I haven't done them in some time. I will do them right now.

Whew, workmen just left. So glad they were here and redid the HVAC ductwork clean out, and after yet another email to but them about it this morning, Trust told me to purchase air purifier and they will reimburse. My new Austin Air HM400 will be here in a week, yay! Weather is getting warmer and I can start to consider cracking some windows and getting some fresh air in. Onwards and upwards.

Veronica, my first instinct is to do exactly what you said and shred it. He will likely not remember anything about applying for the policy, really, but I can't prevent him from getting future advertisements and trying to do it again. He gets the mail everyday, its his habit and I largely try to leave him be… although once in awhile I do the "caregiver snoop around" disguised as cleaning his room or whatnot and try to get my hands on, and remove, all the advertising mail he likes to just pile up on his bed. I hate it that so many company's direct mail advertising campaigns and mail order catalogs target elderly… Its like Publisher's Clearing House methodology run rampant, if you know what I mean… its hard to be protective of him and still give him his autonomy to make his own decisions.

Yeah, I'm very likely going to shred it. Just want to get over the emotional shock of it all and find a way to talk to him about it? So that he doesn't continue to try to do this? Of course, I'll have to come up with reason/excuse I was snooping in his mail… if you got any ideas on that, let me know!

Thank you all. Please let me know where the big girl panties are purchased at, I need a pair, too. (((((hugs)))))

Margeaux. I think Walmart must sell big girl panties. I have seen a lot of big girls in there!!!!!!!!!!

Sad It is no good telling you the disease is talking not your mother you already know that. If she has always been this way then that is the way it is, If she was previously a loving caring person she is still in there somewhere and needs to be treated that way. You certainly don't need to read her emails or reply Why not try sending a pretty card with a short note about daily happenings. If there are grandchildren or special events include a photograph. Don't expect a loving reply she has lost that capability but in the only way she now knows she wants to keep in touch. it is heartbreaking for you but you are doing all you are able for her. keep in close touch with whoever is suoervising he at the AL so you get a heads up about how she is doing. Blessings

Alison shred it. These policies are only and only for accidental death and dismemberment and common from banks and credit cards. The institutaion insures you for the first thousand and then you can add basically any amount after that. it will probably cost about $30 a month BUT it only covers accidental death ie as in the Boston Marathon, a car crash a tree falling on his head ot the loss of a limb eye etc. It was an extremely nice gesture on his part and he probably felt it was something you deserved but unless his death is really accidental it won't pay.
Just google accidental death insurance and you will find all the information you need. Give your Dad a very big hug and cook his favorite dinner. It wasn't actually a scam and has some worth but thats it.
I expect Pam Steadman will have a crisp one line answer fo you. i don't have her way with words. Hugs

It's really difficult for many of us who don't have POA of our elders, and then some here that have full charge of the elders, and don't have it. This scenario I'm sure must be very tough! Do you all notice how at the bottom of it, is our sincere concern for the elder's welfare, nothing more.

I was really irritated on my last posts. It was even causing me to wake up at 4:00 a.m. two days in a row. So I'm trying my best to detach from it as best I can.
This Baptismal is this Sat., still need to shop for a gift. My husband and I will go, but I admit there's lots of angst on my part about this, because of how my sisters vibe is right now. Oh well.....Sharynarie, can you tell me where you bought your,
"big girl panties," I sure need to get a pair! HAAH!

So the other day when I was at mom's, my cousin dropped by in the midst of the confusion over there. Mom came out to the living room wearing a cute two piece velour outfit. The top was unzipped, and she was in full expose of her breasts.
My cousin and me told her how sexy she looked, and my cousin tried zipping it up, but we discovered the zipper was broken.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Just got an emotional bombshell dropped on me. As I was letting in the workmen to redo HVAC duct cleaning this morning, I noticed a letter my father had put in outgoing mail. I tend to double check on my father, as he can do really goofy things sometimes, so noticing that the envelope as business return mail and addressed to "Insurance Activation Department," I pulled it out to glance over and make sure dad wasn't doing anything accidentally foolish. Inside is a form to active "Accidental Death & Dismemberment" Policy, payable in amount of $300k to me… and only to me, not my brothers, too. I haven't stopped crying and the guys are here working so I need to pull it together and just get on with my day. At some point, I want to research whether or not such a policy is even recommended for him at his age, and truthfully I hate the idea that he would take out this policy. It was obviously some sort of advertising done through his bank, and the policy premiums would come out of his account each month…

I'm going to wait until I can research and think over with clear head about what to do. But… its just such a ball of emotions for me… unreal. (((((hugs)))))

Hi Everyone! I have been MIA for quite a while - due to lots going on - you are all so good about being on here and staying in touch with each other! I hope all of you are doing well as I didn't get to read all the posts here...and I really need to vent to people that really understand.

Last time I posted they were threatening to kick my mother out of her AL due to her throwing a fit and hitting the facility manager. Fortunately - I acted quickly - got her an appointment with her doctor and finally got her on antidepressants as well as the Serequil which work nicely together. She had refused to take the antidepressant. The doctor did a great job selling it as something to help her feel less anxious. So - long story short - after the dr apt we had a horrible fight where she tried to throw a pitcher of water on my husband, yelling and telling me FU and get out. Needless to say - we left - and that was in January and I haven't been back. She sends me crazy emails almost daily - most I don't respond to. Which leads me to writing today. I have never felt more hated in my life. Even with the fantastic counseling I have had... so - what started as a benign her sending me some quote - I returned it with a positive one, then her remembering my old boyfriend - then it quickly turned to her stating that my husband hit her and yelled. I clarified for her - got about 6 more nasty emails. I responded to a couple saying it would be nice to visit her without fighting - and that she never seems happy to see me or miss me - and that I would be happy to come visit if that were the case. So - I have been monitoring her emails as she has tried to email Amazon and all kinds of crazy things - so some things need to be intercepted (I am her NSA) and she had emailed my sister in law - who she hates, taking about my brother who has not seen or talked to in 2 years - saying in the email she loves them. Really?? Ouch. Then she sent me an email saying to give my brother the key to her house. Wow. So - I didn't respond and it really felt like crap.

Austin- sis holds the DPOA and she fancy's herself as an expert because she watches property brother's. If my brother and I disagree with her, she may back down.

If I were to buy a house that needed fixing up I would want to put in appliances etc. that I wanted-you may have said it before but does your sister have the final word or is she just being a pain?

Margeaux-your sis and mine are similar. Even my brother told me that sis was insisting our nephew go fix the toilet seat at mom's house before it went up for sale. My brother told his son..."why, when most people buy an older home they do 2 things...change all the locks and put in new toilets?"

Now sis is talking about renovating mom's kitchen with granite counter tops and she probably won't stop there. She will want new stainless steel appliances costing around $20,000 total. Now the next door is going to be renovated and put on the market for $215,000. That is $15,000 less than what the real estate has priced mom's house. It makes no sense, we would have to increase the price on mom's house to get the money back. It is not mom's house is over priced...I see the realtor pressuring us so they get their commission and can move on to something bigger and better. If sis pushes for a reno, it may be a real wedge between us.

I working this week at my old store. I was told yesterday by the deli manager that she is working to get me back and to give it a few more weeks. I am hoping. And keeping my toes and fingers crossed!!!

Veronica,

Thank you! Yes, I'm just trying to stay focused, and keeping it simple. because they act like things aren't hard enough.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

You must be having a great time on your vacation.
I think I can say, that we miss you.

Have fun! Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison & Book,

I't's 5:36 a.m., haven't had my strong cup of Java, so sorry about my errors, and no signature. Gee, I wish I could grind my coffee, but afraid I'd wake the husband up!

HAAH! Margeaux

Book,

I know my mother is definitely going down hill. Actually, what you wrote I could almost copy and paste, and send it to all my siblings. I already had quite a heavy stay over visit just last Thurs., but I went back on Mon. This isn't going to get in my way, but yes....I'm very irritated by this behavior, and I still show up over there.

But it's going to be more like drop in visits. I can't tolerate this b.s.
Boundaries!

Thank you for your suggestions,
Much Love & Light

Alison,

That my sister is a complete piece of work is an understatement!
She's been like this all her life. I have always tried to ignore ti, or naively thought back in the old days because shame on me I was a people pleaser. But now that I've set at least some kind of boundaries in place, but also trying to find the balance of sidestepping all this and helping with mother right now is really difficult for me.

My sister doesn't how to respect other people's feelings about things. But yet,
she's the typical obsessed complainer and always manages to find the negative in everything! I'm all for giving mother the joy of having people over if that's what makes her happy. But this situation is beyond ridiculous. If people can'tS see that, well I'd say they enjoy chaos and are on board w/this kind of dysfunction.
She loves to put herself out like a martyr.

I'm sure she was also bugged, the fact that I elected not to go on Sun., when she had everybody there. I hadn't even mentioned that, there were so many other things going on here. Well, this weekend is her daughter's baby's Baptismal, and she's the after reception is none other than at mother's house. It's going to be close to 30 people. There's lots of entitlement.
I'm not looking forward to this either, given the recent developments, but I am gong to be there, oh well.....h**l's bells! HAAH, got to keep my sense of humor in tact!

Thanks so much,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sandwich, excellent lesson for all of us! Thank you for sharing that and very sorry you now have to deal with the mess.

Today's lesson in caregiving: Have mom's credit report run before jumping to be a joint account holder/authorized signer on her bank account. All those bills she ignored in 2012 and that refrigerator she went into collections over will come back to bite on YOUR credit rating too. *grumble grumble grumble* She could have paid cash for that fridge, but put it on her Sears card and then refused to make payments. "I've paid enough on that thing!" Why is there no emoticon for pulling my hair out?

Sometimes I wonder if there will EVER be a day where there isn't some level of b.s. I have to deal with because of her bad decisions in life.

We got a letter from our insurance company saying that because of a change in our credit rating, our rates are going up. Neither husband or I knew what on earth could have changed our credit score, so we looked into it. It's my mom's crappy credit that's doing this to us, since we were both put on her account in late 2013. *Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!* So now I'm trying to clean up this mess so my credit isn't a pile of manure. Thanks mom.

Book- my brother is not the biological father. It is a tough situation as my niece has never worked and now her husband does not work. She is getting Medi-Cal. from public assistance. She is making meals daily for her fil and takes the meals to his home as he is widowed and old school male from Mexico. My brother and sil gave the daughter a car to use for her treatment appointments (she does not drive).Her husband instead uses the car to drive his father around and my sil takes her daughter to the appointments. My niece is not getting any help or support from her husband. My brother and sil are very angry but sil keeps supporting them financial out of her own retirement. Appartently she has been supporting them for many years which I was not aware of. There is a lot of enabling going on due to my sil.

Way to go Margeaux.

Margeaux, your mom is in hospice service. That means that she's going downhill. I know that your sister irritates you like h*** but ... your visit is for your mom, not sis. Please don't let your irritation get in the way of spending as much as you can with mom. If you only want to spend 3 hours and sis wants you to stay longer, either be firm with your time. Let her know in advance that you can stay for this long. If the time comes and no paid cg comes, then YOU can ask her a Question that She MUST answer. No hiding, no hemming. The Truth. Let her know that one of the questions would be... mom's status with so-and-so. Tell sis that there is NO negotiation. You both are sisters, and your mom is both your mother. When sis wants you to babysit, then she must also share. Period. And when the time comes, if you must, stay there until sis comes home. Or drop by when you know she's home, and demand your part of the agreement- question and her answering. I just don't know what else you can do to let sis know that you are part of the family and deserve some answers, too.

I don't know if your mom is like mine. At family gatherings, lthough my mom no longer understood what we were saying, when we all started laughing together, my mom was a few seconds late, but she also laughed. Although we knew she didn't understand, it was wonderful to see her smiling face as she looked at us. Mom was mimicking us. Eventually, she stopped doing that, too. She would just sit and stare off into space. It's the children's screaming, yelling, running - that really irritated/upset her.

Sharyn - It would be best if SIL did not do those tests. It will be very very difficult for her if she finds out that she carries the genes. Worse if it comes out negative, and she might try to get your brother to do the tests. But I can see why she needs to know.

Book-thank you for your kind words regarding my niece. Next month will be a year since losing Chris to cancer. My sil is beside herself with grief. She going to get genetic testing done to find out if she carries a marker. I just hope she does not blame herself for her children's cancer. Hugs to you!