notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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What a day. A good one. I badly needed to get some things accomplished and I think I did that.
Margeaux, I see two sides of situation regarding your sis taking too many liberties, and seemingly disregarding best interest of your mom. You know your situation, I do not, and you've always seemed more than fair and level-headed to me… but I keep thinking about my GM. Even though my GM slept a lot and had complete dementia, she would've loved it if a party would've happened in this house. She could always be lovingly tucked in her bed, and door closed, if she was worn out, but she loved her family, even if she didn't know who they were anymore. It never happened that there were any parties (rarely a single visitor and that was my bros & mom only, separate occasions) but I really think it would've made her happy. All those visitors will have to at least obligingly greet/hug/kiss your mom… I could be way off here, waaaaay off, but I don't think its so horrible that there will be gathering there at mom's house. NOW, the part about "they wouldn't come to see her, just to party and stuff their face"… that part I totally concur with.
Today I went to mother's during the day. I arrive and Hospice nurse had already checked mom's vital signs, they were good. Now I went today just because I decided not to see mom on her birthday. When I told my sister of my plan to swing by Mon., she ended up making it as if she was cornering me into caregiving for 4 hrs., which I just decided to do because I could today also. So I got a call from her as soon as I arrived. She's telling me if there's a knock on the door not to answer it, that it was another CG, she'd lined up for that day. Apparently she and her daughter w/the babysitting needs got their wires crossed.
The daughter didn't want the CG who was already there w/her kids to be there simultaneously w/one that was to show up. My sister was trying to call her on her cell, but this CG, never picked up the call. So now she's trying to get me involved, because of their lack of organization. This didn't feel good at all. I had to close the blinds, like no one was home. Is this what they mean by triangulation?
Then I'm there about an hour, and the door bell rings. I looked through the peephole, it wasn't the CG, but some official looking woman. She's some kind of diagnostics person from Hospice, so I invited her in. Now I wasn't told anything about this woman showing up. She wanted to ask some questions how mom was doing, and from what I gathered, mom's decline, etc. So I did explain that I was the relief person, didn't live there, so really my sister could better answer her questions. So generally speaking I gave her some information.
Then as we were there, I get a call from my sis, and somehow she I guess had been called by someone to inform her that this lady was coming to the house today. So I passed the phone to the woman. I could hear most of it.....boy and did my sister get heavy handed (tone of voice)) letting her know, that SHE, is the one to be answering these question. She made this woman squirm in front of me, it was so awful. That feeling of being chopped liver enveloped my whole being. This also didn't feel good. You could cut the control through the cell phone, quite disgusting if you ask me.
So I stayed until she got off work. She walks in the door, and had this very defensive posture w/me, and looked like she was in a real bitchy mood.
She didn't say not one peep about the woman she had spoken to from Hospice,
nor did she ask me anything about what the woman had asked me. So my take is that, she's succumbed to some weird type of possesive, jealous thing.
Well you know what? I have just become unavailable!
Margeaux
The thing is, too, I have At Least $10k in receipts of things I purchased using my own money to buy necessary items for my grandmother and father, or for this house. I'm not trying to be greedy here, or get off scot-free, and they know it. So I don't know why they make me ask them a dozen times for things they agree they should be providing/paying for.
Whew, good steps! I'm practically dizzy (or is it giddy) from the effort. Bbl after I eat, relax, and do a happy dance or two around the living room. :-)
all because I asked her to come stay for one day this week. She is furious about it...tells me she has 8 loads of laundry and school board meetings and she cant' drive over here EVERY DAY...I asked for ONE..not every. THen she told me I have a chip on my shoulder and won't cooperate with her and that she will not be made to feel guilty about not keeping Mom.
good lort. I will fight her tooth and nail before she'll take mom from this house....but I also won't ask her to help anymore. Let it be on her own head, no one can 'give' you guilt..you either feel it or you don't. She can't come crying to me about losing her mom anymore.
The social worker told her that she couldn't put mother in a nursing home with out her consent.....and if she would just hold on until we got the home worker, things would be better. I can see my sister bullying my mother into accepting entry into a nursing home though.
she is supposed to come sit tomorrow and Wed....I don't even want her here.
That's great finding dad a new doc, and he on his way to the store. Are you sure you didn't kick him out, or tell him he is going to starve?! LOL!
Baby steps!
Glad, great minds think alike, it would seem, because I got motivated after my last post and went online and found highly recommended new geriatrician for my father, and I found her on healthgrades. In all honesty, I didn't know about the site before my searches, but soon realized what a goldmine that site is. I saw that she accepts Medicare/Medicaid and that her waiting room time is supposedly 10-15 minutes. That beats 3 1/2 hours all day long!
So yay, got that new patient appointment on the calendar for end of April and will go from there. I've already composed my lengthy list of things to discuss, although I'm sure I may add to it.
Figured out that Medicare/Medicaid is changing over to other health care providers on June 1 of this year. Where have I been, how did I not get this memo? Is that a state issue or national mandate? Nonetheless I got it all figured out today. I chose my father's new plan as best as I could out of the 6 choices available, and will look around on AC to see what others have been saying, as well as ask new PCP who she can accept.
AND… just a few minutes ago, my father took off walking up to corner grocery. I did have to nag him a bit to do it, but he's going and I'm relieved.
Baby steps…
Will come back and read later. Thank you for giving me sounding board, its invaluable. (((((hugs)))))
I have felt so completely powerless in all of this. Thank goodness I reached a breaking point got an attorney, went to court and was successful at having much of siblings power stripped from her.
My mom just got done going to urgent care twice, last week for the constipation.
The second time she was admitted. They put her on stool softeners, gave her enemas, so you can imagine what this is doing to her. She pooped in her diaper the other day.She gets up to go to the bathroom, but she is sleeping quite alot right now. She has managed to get up to eat at the table, but really I think she's eating most of her meals in her room.
There's already plenty of activity going on M-F because they have romper room going on there during the daytime. My sister's grandkids are being baby sat, while the daughter is at work.
I realize that many people seem to think that relatives should come by and say that one last goodbye and all of that. But truth be told, if these events don't happen......none of mother's grandchildren (brother's kids), never come to visit.
They only come when there's a party, and food for their faces!!! In other words, they'd probably never come down, just to see mom w/o all the festivities going on.
My sister's daughter, asked my sister whether she could have the Baptismal reception there, since the church she'll be baptized in is only 4 blocks away from mom's home. So I know this was a convenience decision on her part. This way people attending the Baptismal wouldn't have to drive another 13 miles or so to her house. She has room at her place to throw a party, too as they had her son's "B," party there last Nov. If I were in my sister's shoes, I'd tell my daughter that because of mom's condition.....it would just be a better idea to have it at their place. I know my sister lives there, but IMO, there's just been toooooo much entitlement going on w/both my sister and her daughters w/respect to the use of mother's home.
Another factor is that my sister has now let her guard down, by allowing one of our brother's daughters to return back into the family! She was the trouble in our family for a long time, even spent some time in jail. Now she's hitting 40, got married last year and is making it look as if her life is a.o.k. party. Anyway, although I believe it's good for people to say their goodbye's, I do have an issue w/people showing up in the 11th hour of a person's life, something this girl did even when dad was in the hospital as a result of his stroke.
My sister is just too wound up into what other people want of her. She enjoys also being the center of attention, if you can imagine.....cooking for everybody, etc., so she looks like the good sister, aunt, etc. But it doesn't even look as if any consideration goes towards whether mom can handle all of this. My sister takes the attitude that, "Oh well, all mother does is sleep." So in other words, it's o.k., and noise, and a lot of people doesn't bother her. This is why I'm disgusted with all of this at the moment.
Thank you,
Hugs,
Margeaux
Next weekend is her daughter's 8th month old's Baptismal. Guess where the reception is going to be? Mother's house. They've invited about 25 people to that.
I didn't go today. I'm really annoyed by this. I mean I know my sister lives there, but should she be having all these kinds of festivities in mom's home, under the current situation going on w/our mom.. But of course, here's where I have to bite my tongue.
Margeaux
My visit with my brother was over all good. However, he did tell me that his step daughter, my niece, will most likely not survive this cancer. The dr's have already informed her that the even if they are able to remove all the tumor, it will come back. The reason is...it has spread into her uterus and vaginal wall. The test are showing strongly that the lymph nodes in her groin area are affected. If it turns out that is the case, they may not do any type surgery. If surgery is an option, they will do a complete hysterectomy, remove the vaginal wall and she will have a colostomy bag...they will try to reattach things later but the the chances of there being enough tissue to do that is slim. In other words..she is terminal.
Have you checked the website healthgrades? In Chicago, there are about 200 geriatricians listed, and they are not all there, I'm sure. Finding new doctors is very difficult, I know, been through it for myself. Your dad needs to have a geriatric assessment done to determine if he may be developing dementia. And if he is you need to get his living situation, if it is going to change, taken care of before he gets too confused. Is he paying his own bills and on time? That is one of the first signs of dementia, as well as depression. They know something is happening, but do not understand and cannot express it. And particularly in the case of some that are too proud and do not want to admit there is a problem.
You might want to look up geriatric case managers in your area. They will also do an assessment in the home, you don't have to take him anywhere. GCM's are normally social workers and may be less intimidating for your dad.
Thank you so much. I realize that each and every person has their own take as to why they would not want an elder's life prolonged via artificial means. The thing is though, I'm sure there's a balance even within all of this.
That must have been terrible to watch Luise's husband suffer unnecessarily.
I think many people get carried away with their outlooks about drugs, because as the nurse from Hospice indicated.....a drug like morphine has a bad rap. Sure, probably any of these kinds of drugs do, when used for recreational purposes/misused. But they do work, for unbearable pain, too. That's why they're also called controlled substances.
Oh, and the whole DNR issue. Well, my sister and me are definitely are in agreement that mom wouldn't want to be sustained by any radical artificial means. I'm not sure what poor Luise's condition may have been, and if you're talking about the fact that say, a feeding tube would assist her in getting her strength back, or something of the sort, in essence giving her some measure of sustenance, or comfort. Even in a situation as such, I think other factors would have to be weighed in, like the rest of a person's health, before a determination should be made as classifying that as radical artificial means. Yes, and I couldn't agree more, that when there's dysfunction going on, and these are the people who either are in charge, or highly opinionated,
this makes the going tough.
Thank you so much,
I really appreciate it.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Have you heard of doggie wigs? That could be the solution. LOL!
That is my gut feeling too. I talked with my brother today and he said the same thing. He said that since we have no financial urgency to sell right away, just ride it out.
When Luise was taken to the hospital for dehydration and starvation, lost 18 lbs (took her to their house too many times, in a short amount of time and left her home alone and went to work, the golden girl who by then had POA of finances and golden boy who had POA of medical pulled her out before treatment and against medical advice, those golden children said they did it because, it was keeping her alive by artificial means and they did not want "their mother" used by the medical system as a human guinea pig (golden children one daughter and one son) did not see it as refusing medical treatment.
I don't know how, but golden boy came off sounding like one of those religious people (who do not do blood transfusions) who do not want doctor interference... and all of us were there shaking our heads but at that time powerless to do anything about it, because of POA.
All I know is dealing with dysfunctional people isn't very easy and I hope your Mom
continues to get Good Care according to her needs.
Just from witnessing the recent developments regarding my mom's situation, my sister.....who thought somehow she was going to be able to do just everything for mom, well guess what....she can't! The last stsy mom had in the hospital last week, their doctors asked her why mom wasn't enrolled in Hospice. Through these inquiries.....of course she had to become in contact with Social Services.
Right now,I'm hearing nothing but....how difficult it is, etc. She holds a 40 hr. week job, too. But here comes the but....she's chosen to do this too. So when you get your strength back you'll probably have to take some drastic measures to create your own life outside of your father's home. Even then, I'd be very weary of participating in the same manner that you have been doing so up to now.
If he behaves the way he does now, you can imagine that his demands will only escalate. Besides unfortunately, his house on account of the mold isn't doing anything for your health. Maybe if you start to take yourself into consideration, you will look at this in the bigger picture.
You're in my thoughts,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I don't have any kind of experience regarding realty.
But my gut instinct is that this realtor is pressuring you.
How opportune for him, he caught wind of the situation w/your mother's
neighbor's house.
Stick to your guns.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux