The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Can you have sis text you?

Thanks Book and Alison. The only rush to sell is the house next door but I think we have at least a month to play around with it. I will talk with sis and brother tomorrow at lunch. I have to set boundaries with sis calling me at work...if I get caught talking on my cell I will get written up for it. I just wont answer anymore.

fiber and more veggies

Yesterday at our Senior Health Fair I met a dietician who works for a Hanaford Grocery Store I will ask her about honey increasing cholesterol I hope not. I asked about sea salt being better than regular salt and she said all salt is bad and sea salt is not better-also asked about fiber decreasing cholesterol and she said it did so will ty to eat more fi

Oh, Book, I'm lolling about the Kale and "kind of looks awful." I don't mind the juice, for whatever reason. I'm not a big fan of "health foods" and I've had some "healthy" wraps I didn't care for, either. But with the juice, you stick in a couple of apples. It sweetens it a little. And then, just down the hatch, you don't have to chew… I don't know, seems different experience to me. And I love honey, so didn't want to hear it increases cholesterol. But I don't have issues with that, and I don't have honey everyday, but a little in my tea is so wonderful. I hope you find some smoothie recipes that are healthy and tasty, and you enjoy so much, you add to your routine.

Book, I bought the Garlique brand at store tonight to try… based on hospital RNs advice to me that taking a garlic supplement improved her own immune system. I don't think the pill forms are "garlicky." I thought that was kind of the point, to get the odorless and benign pill, but still have benefits? My verdict is out, just started em tonight.

Hugs to all, I'd better get to sleep.

Oh, I forgot! ABB, I bought using my reward points the Magic Bullet. I haven't even opened the box. I bought the small ice tray in case I need ice. Now, I have to find a decent price frozen fruits in the grocery store before I start making smoothies. I've spent some hours online looking for minimum ingredients smoothies that won't increase my cholesterol. Did you know that by adding honey into the mix, it increases cholesterol? There were other ingredients... Uhm... the "in" thing is going "green" in your smoothies/juicing. Kale, etc.... Kind of looks awful to me. Not very appetizing looking drink. But you go first with the greeneries. FYI, my sis took me a health food place. Got me a vegetarian wrap. All I will say is this: It tasted like grass. The taste reminded me of the Smell of freshly mown grass. I could not finish it. Expensive wrap...

ABB, there's a strong cancer prevention education here. Yearly checkups, exercise (yes, exercise helps a lot), fresh bright fruits/veggies, avoid process food, etc.... As for garlic, my stomach can't handle it. Acid reflux. Most of the food I eat has garlic. I still eat it but suffer hours afterward. Sometimes, if it's too strong in the food, my stomach gets queasy. I definitely would not want to try the pill version. My dad used to buy Kyolic (pill form).

Hi all, Sharyn, wish I had something helpful to add about the house sale. When elderly lady 2 houses down died last year, her kids spent a lot of time getting house into decent condition… it still was on the market for a couple of months. I don't know the details, but it didn't seem that unusual. My bro's house was up for sale for YEARS, literally, in Indianapolis before they sold it. Maybe your R.E. agent is concerned this could happen if you don't go with the fish already on the hook… how long has your mom's house been up again? Is it important to get a "quick sale"? Sorry if you've gone over this in previous posts, my brain has been elsewhere. :-P

I finally broke down and started juicing again today after not doing it (and eating pretty poorly, lol, lots of McDonalds and fried chicken) for past 6-8 months. But now I'm sick of being sick again, and I will do anything. Going to gym wasn't enough. Now I'm going to give immune system a boost by juicing for at least a month. Plus taking probiotics and other supplements. I get so many sinus and respiratory issues in this house, besides the (at times) overwhelming chronic fatigue… which is the symptom of how mold directly acts on one's system, as a sedative. Its thought that this happens because your body is trying to slow down the toxic affects of the mold… who knows… I'm sick of it all, literally and figuratively speaking. As soon as weather is warm enough, all the windows are getting opened and I'm wiping the place down with tea tree solution. Mold remediation contractor is to come back next Thursday and redo the HVAC clean out job they botched first go around. I'll be glad to at least get that done… any little step in the right direction…

So, yeah, been a tough week. Went to ER one week ago, started antibiotic next day, already completed it, and my chest mucus was dark and "dirty" looking when I coughed in shower today. Grrr. I'm at wits end to know how to get well.

Juicing helped me before. It absolutely did. I have faith it will do its magic again.

Margeaux, I hope your mother is feeling better? I had similar incident with my dad, but it didn't involve hospital trip. He had severe constipation, enough to wake me, crying, in middle of the night to tell me. I got up and gave him one regular dose of his prescribed stool softener and it just seemed to unleash the flood gates in a dramatic and messy way.

Book, it was my comment to you about being "miner's canary" that made me realize - I'm back to being "sick" person again! Well, that just won't do. I have too much to do and accomplish if I'm ever going to get out of this mucky caregiving situation! ;-) So, just knew its time to juice again. So let's see how it goes. If I'm raving about how fabulous I look and feel in 4 weeks time, maybe I'll convince you to give it a go for a week or two. ;-) Hugs, glad you're taking your lipitor and eating some oatmeal. Oh, here's article about #1 cancer fighting veggie, and other really beneficial veggies. http://tv.greenmedinfo.com/the-1-anti-cancer-vegetable/ I hope mods don't mind I put the link here, great article, and you've referred to high rates of cancer on your island and in your community. I'll give you the #1 - its garlic, but the article and graphs are really informative, I thought.

Your agent is pressuring you to sell. That's commission. Sharyn, if you guys are not in a hurry to sell the house, and have no expected expenses on it, then just wait until you get the price you want. But, it sounds like your sis is not very good at the waiting game.

As for work, don't know if anything you say to sis will stop her from calling you again in the future. Why don't you call her and tell her straight out that you respected her when she's at work by keeping personal calls only when she's not at work. And that you expect her to do the same for you. In the future, if she calls you at work, you will be very brief and will call her when you have a break. Might or might not work.

Book~The house next door has not been taken care of, whether it will pass inspection without issues is to be seen. Yes, they apparently are going to renovate with "granite counter tops, hardwood floors. My mom's house is bigger,. has real hardwood floors and pristine condition inside and out. My biggest issue is sis calling me at work demanding my time, I work in customer service...not an office position with a cubicle and private ext to be able talk at length with her about the situation. She gets demanding wanting to know "when I will have the time"!! I have customers waiting while she is demanding an answer from me.

I have researched when a buyer pays cash what the escrow time is... it is shorter than with someone financing through a bank. I guess I just feel that our agent is pressuring us, and sis wants answers when I have no time to think it through. If she makes a decision about this without me, I may not be happy about it, but I will not throw it up in her face later. I have done some research but it is not the same as TV shows, show solutions in 30/60 minutes Mom's house has only been on the market for 1 week. Thank you for your response, it gives me some things to think about. Hugs to you!!

Sharyn, something just registered in my head. Like I said, I watch a lot of HLN which also includes renovations. If the empty house is sold "as is", it would be low. Then the buyer will spend money to renovate it. To cover the cost of buying the house + the renovation cost = More than the original sale. My question is: How much less are they going to sell it compared to your mom's???

Please do your research online on what's the current value of the homes in your area. Is your asking price way over that? We need a second opinion from another real estate agent!

Sharyn, go online and google the area of your mom's home and the house next door. Use another real estate's website AND your own real estate's website. Check what's up on your mom's vs. the house next door. The thing is, if the house next door is in much better condition than your mom's house (as in modern vs. outdated), most people will choose the modern. You can also go visit the neighbor's house to see what the competition is like. If their house is more modern and good shape than your mom's - then of course, people will buy that house and not mom's.

If the house is better, you may end up losing the family who is interested in buying. All for just $2,000.00. I watched enough HLN househunting to know that that can be the deal breaker. So my question to you is this: If you lose this prospective buyer, can you and sis still pay for the upkeep of your mom's house until another buyer is interested? You don't want the house to get rundown from lack of use. Then definitely, the value will go down because the prospective buyer will think that they have to do this and that to repair it. OR they may say, I will buy it for ($2000 less) because I have to do repairs on it. And we want the owner to pay the Closing Cost.

Or do you just want to get rid of the house, and sell it for $2000.00 less. Sharyn, are you subconsciously sabotaging the sale of the house? And using the $2000.00 as an excuse?

Margeaux, I don't know why it always surprises me when I find out that someone on this site's caregiving recipient is on decline to the final stages of hospice. As I read your words, my eyes widened. I was recalling that she went to the hospital for blockage. I guess it's part of the body's shutting down system? I was just seeing the trees and not the forest (of symptoms).

As for golden boy brother, you have soooo much patience with him. If I was there, and he kept at it over and over about the morphine, I would have snapped and told him off that mom is Pain and I damn well am not going to let her die with her last thoughts on her pain! I do my best to control my temper but sometimes my older brother's hard headedness can get to me. (He once questioned me on how I was cleaning mom. Instead of offering to help me as I cleaned her by myself, he just sat there watching. Then when he questioned me, I snapped and asked him if he wanted to take over. He shook his head. Never criticized me again.) I read your comments and I kept thinking how you were able to keep cool despite your bro's constant comments on morphine.

You take care. I think between you and your sister (and hospice), your mom is getting good care. {{Hugs}}

Well sis called me at work again tonight demanding my time and attention. I admit, I tend to be laid back on decisions, sis is like our mom...it has to be NOW!!! If any of you have experience selling a house/knowledge please let me know what you think.

The agent we hired called sis tonight telling her that the family who made the offer on mom's house last week, is very firm in their offer but that he would see if they would come up some more on it. In the the mean time, 2 other families looked at the house, but with no garage, it was a deal breaker. So now the agent puts the pressure on us...the vacant house next door, is going to be sold as an investment property for $100,000.00 less (in foreclosure), they are going to completely renovate and sell the house for much less than what we are asking for our mom's house. We MUST sell mom's house before this house next door sells because the house next door will become a comparable home sale when showing mom's house to prospective buyers. Am I wrong that our agent should not suddenly jump to pressuring us, how long have they known this and not told us until know, am I wrong that I am seeing red flags here? I think sis may be over reacting (very normal for her). My thoughts are that by the time the house next door closes escrow and renovations are done...we can sell our mom's house nearer to the price we would like. The original family has back out over a difference of $2,000.00....if you really want a home, is $2,000 worth backing out on??? Opinions please!!!!

Margeaux~I am sorry you and your sis had to endure that scene. You and sis are making the right decisions especially in light of the fact that brother is not the one doing the care 24/7. Hang in there, being home does bring comfort after a scene like that with the golden boy. Hugs to you!!

Margeaux-
That brother, nothing like displaying the brother's issues with alcohol, and gives hospice an indication of his dysfunction.

My father-in-law died about a year before I married my ex, now. He had been diagnosed with prostate cancer and was on hospice and at home. I understand the concerns about morphine, but the FIL also had it. He did not want to become addicted. Here he was dying, in a tremendous amount of pain, and concerned about addition? He was of sound mind, a very intelligent man. He was told, by his nurses that addiction was the least of his problems, that they were striving for comfort.

So to say, your mother needs and deserves any comfort that can be provided, wherever and however that occurs. Your brother is simply in the land of denial and probably wishes more than you or sis that mom could bounce out of bed, and be twenty years younger.

You and sis are doing your very best. Brother will just have to learn to deal with it, and it will not happen while he is drinking. But, that is his choice, though a very self destructive one.

Margeaux, Your brother sounds like my sister in law......She arrives at her mother's home and her and boyfriend (the gigolo) drink their gin and tonics. Just what you need. A drunk golden boy. As things aren't hard enough you have to put up with the bs. My MIL is getting rapidly bad..... and we are thinking hospice... You hang in there....and get a good sleep tonight.

Hi Guys,

Sorry for my misspellings. I can't see straight at the moment.
It's 3:30 p.m., and I'm a lousy napper. But anywho!

Margeaux

I went to mom's yesterday, as she's returned home from the hospital.
The night she returned, she began complaining to my sister that she had a pain that was occurring across her entire rib cage. It must have been pretty bad, as she told my sister to take her to the doctor again. But now mom is in the Hospice program. So my sister called their nurses, and they instructed her to look inside a kit they'd left w/her. It had morphine in it and she was given instructions how to administer it to mother. It was an oral syringe.

So yesterday morning my sister called my brothers and me to let us know.
I went there, as well as my brothers. My youngest brother came on a lunch break, so really couldn't stay long. The other one, golden boy came, and was there w/my sister and me, when the Hospice nurse came to take mom's vital signs, and explain Hospice to us. He was very nice and thorough. He asked whether we had questions. Golden boy sat there and grilled the man about the morphine. Of course, golden boy's tone was very defensive, and expressly suspicious bout they giving mom morphine. But the nurse explained in great detail, and even put up with some attitude by my brother. I told them that I was on board w/Hospice care,
as I realize my sister really needs guidance in terms of where mom's care is currently going. After the nurse explained and re-explained the criteria for Hospice, and how its supportive of terminally ill patients. He also told us, that the doctor determined that mom is in decline, and that it's been determined she could pass away w/in six mos, well any way the possibility. So definitely my sister and myself think that it's best to keep mother comfortable. But oh boy, golden boy went round and round about the morphine, of course saying mostly negative things.
If you can all imagine, here he sounded like the Christian right with his attitude, but he's not there dealing with the diarrhea, constipation, etc., and late nights when mom doesn't sleep because she's been in so much pain!!! I looked over at him, behaving like a stupid macho w/total attitude, and he sat there with a 24 oz. can of beer between his legs drinking while this conversation was going on w/the Hospice nurse. He brought 3 cans of the stuff to this meeting, which really......I couldn't believe this. I mean he wasn't coming to some party! I realize anybody, no less a son or daughter asking questions like this......but why on earth did he have to do this drinking his beer. I've written before about how he dioes have a habit of drinking. So I truly believe some of his salty attitude possibly was coming from the fact he drank. Oh, and he managed to finish another one. I was so embarrassed w/this Hospice nurse. It was interesting how my brother was against the morphine, and I find it truly hippocritical, given that he obviously has a substance abuse problem. This experience totally drained me.

But I stayed the night w/mother, and relieved my sister since she'd been up and down going crazy with mom all week long.

Anyway, I'm back home,......didn't get any sleep whatsoever.
I am glad I'm home too. No place like home away from all that family drama!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book, not to worry. We all come from our own places and other things that impact the way we are thinking and the things we do or say. All of us, as caregivers, know that this is a stressful existence. No harm done.

Glad, I may have gone overboard with "sadistic." I'm sorry.
As I was showering tonight, I was thinking about the book I'm Trying to read. It's my favorite author but reading her Darker series. I have this thing about trying to read all the books written by my favorite authors. I forgot how awful this series is. Her main characters have to suffer pain/rape before they die. And the cavalry rarely arrives in time. I stopped reading book 3 chapter 4. Slaver killed another main character, tortured a 15yr old by cutting her ear off, then a pinky, etc... just so that her sister can let them enter the house. Promised to free them, sister opened the gate, and they chopped off the 15 yr old's head..... I've decided to Not finish the book. It's way too violent and I'm finding myself displaying negative emotions and negative thoughts. I will put a note to never ever buy another book of that dark series.

Margeaux, I hope your mom is better today.

I agree she should have considered what works for you since she did not let her deal with it-maybe next time she will be more considerate of your working schedule.

Glad~I agree about the power control/denial of the disease. I have read on this site, others who have posted that they will confront their elder who has dementia with the truth because they do think the dementia patient uses it as an excuse.I used to try to educate people, but now when I read post like that, I leave the thread...it is not worth it. A relative told me the other day to hand out brochures to co-workers or bosses who don't really grasp the progression of Alz/dementia. Maybe leaving some laying around for your father to read would help him to understand more about it.

Yup, Book, I think he is losing it too. He had a CT of the head a couple of weeks ago because I had noticed considerable changes in his memory. He has multiple infarcts. Had ultrasound of cartoids and echocardiogram earlier this week to see in something there could be causing his problem. I know he wants to try to maintain control, but he just is not able to anymore.

He absolutely hates to go to doctor about anything. This is a man that walked around in wet socks for probably 15 years before he even said anything about it to the doc. He had a cyst removed that was the size of a pocket watch, ended up with MRSA, lost a toe, then was in rehab because the infection made him so weak. If he had taken care of it 12 years sooner, none of that would have happened.

Sadistic was the first thing that popped into my head. Then the next word to pop was...power control. Then final word was..denial of self.

Glad, he's being sadistic and enjoys mentally tormenting your mom. Plus, he's trying to prove that he's still in control. If he's beginning to go down the road of senility, then this is his way of denying it and showing that between them, SHE is the one who is"crazy" - not him. It's my lunch hour and I will need to go back to work soon. I would try doing a search to see if anyone ever asked this question on AC.

Does anybody have the problem with other family members and their innate ability to correct, question, etc. when they know that their loved one has no idea what they are talking about.

This happens with my mom's husband. He seems to get some sort of perverse pleasure in trying to straighten out her thinking and questioning her on what she has been doing. He KNOWS that she has no freaking clue the answers to his questions!

Book-sis watches too much reality tv on home buying/selling. She thinks she to react Now. She could have agreed to meeting thursday morning...she doesnt go to work til 1pm gets off at 5pm

Wanting-
I vent as well, and did have a tongue transplant. I understand very, very, well. LOL, gotta laugh or we would all go absolutely nutty!