The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

This has been a very painful week for me. I know that some may not understand, I am experiencing many losses right now. My childhood home is up for sale..all my memories good and bad are in this house. I went over to my childhood home on Tuesday, pulled out weeds and on Thursday, I cleaned off the patio, drive way, and porch of all debris. The house was listed was on Wednesday, we already have an offer. We will counter their offer
by Tuesday after the open house tomorrow. I fell on Tuesdays at mom's, badly bruising my left wrist, hip and knee. I sliced off the tip of my left thumb. Today at a company meeting with 7 other people, I fell off the make shift seats right on my A$$, LOL!! I guess you can say, I provided levity for those around me and the poor man sitting next to me received the brunt of it as to "Why he did not react quickly and prevent my fall," LOL!!

If we don't get higher offers after the open house, we will counter with an offer that is $4,500 higher. It is half way and reasonable. Mom's house, our childhood, house may be sold by next Wednesday. We knew it would probably sell quickly because of how my parents maintained it even though it was build in 1961. The family who is interested are farmers from Tracy, they have 2 children under 12 and want to live in the city plus they have family who live a few blocks away.

We stipulated that the house not be sold to anyone looking for income property, renting the house to someone else. This family does fit our request.

Best wishes to everyone,
SharynMarie

lastresort you are correct about the shingles it is not usually given till age 60
The pneumonia vacine is more complicated and seems to be given at any age with lots of restrictions and recommendations. Anyone 65 or older should be given the vacine, again with medical restrictions.

I had a lung condition and they gave me pneumonia vax 18 years ago so I was about 40, as far as I know ists the shingles they don't give till 60

Norest I think Allison got a CT of her chest in the ER she said they injected a dye.
I don't know how old she is but they don't give the pneumonia till you are older. Can't remember the earliest but it may be 60.

Allison, does your insurance allow you to go directly to a pulmonologist? If so, make appointment bring CD of chest xray with you.....if not go to primary doc May be time to get a CT of chest? Since you had pneumonia make sure when you are feeling better you receive the pneumonia vaccine. Please feel better!

Iwentanon welcome back. What a horrible experience glad you are recovering make sure you take enough time to get strong again. It may have been the anesthesia but could be the pain meds you took at home. They are very constipating and unless you were told to take a stool softener that could have caused your problems, The concrete in your colon then could have blocked off your bladder.
Lesson for everyone if you take narcotic pain meds after surgery make sure you take care of your bowels.
Anyway after such a horrible experience glad you are back and on the mend

to everyone,
had the foot surgery, but eight days later was in the hospital for urine retention and intestinal blockage,(they say could be from the anesthesia) was in for 14 days, in the meantime they (mother and son) moved into our rented house and of course my basement section (where my computer is) I could not get to because of abdominal weakness and the foot surgery. I have alot of catching up to do, I hope all is well for everyone most importantly, your health.

Linbel it sounds as though you are in a no win situation and there is nothing I can think of to prevent the oncomming train wreck. So get away from the tracks and don't get caught up in the wreckage.
Yes all the things you fear are very likely to happen so step aside but have a plan.
Forget your brother he is responsible for his own actions.
There is a huge financial incentive for him to move the parents home and move in with them. They don't like AL and have always been enablers so thats the way it will continue.
The parents seemed to be deemed able to manage there own afairs so all you can do is wait till conditions in the home get bad and call in APS
Whatever you do do not take on any responsibilities of caregiving, shopping house cleaning, cooking etc. brother made this happen so he can take care of all that. Yes I realize they are your parents and you care for them and feel responsible but sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better - ask any alcoholic and there are several on this site who have beaten their demons but they won't tell you it was easy.
Your mother has no one else to complain to so let her vent but when you talk to her have some other subjects you can insert into the conversation and cut her off when you have had enough.
Can you be there one day when the cleaners come and have a quiet word so they can make sure she sees them cleaning under the bed. Just try and be proactive with them to protect yourself.
You may not care for my suggestions I probably would not in your position but do what you can for the time being. They won't listen to you anyway but eventually they will have to listen to someone like it or not. So stop worrying about something that hasn't happenend yet. Does the ALS have a social worker?
Blessings

Alison that is a huge relief. I am so glad you went and they did a decent investigation.
I too don't do well after antibiotics especially IV ones so I eat an Activia yogurt every morning. if you choose yougurt make sure it contains live cultures.
As far as the mold is concerned, if it still exisits go to your health dept and she if they can help motivate the trust. Well done.

Hi, I can relate to you all too. A year ago my dad at age 87 opted to have open heart surgery. He never bounced back
to where he was before the surgery and
I found it too difficult to care for him and
my mom in their home by myself. They were both in denial that they even needed
help. (Im not sure how they thought they were getting to appointments or who was cleaning and taking care of the house and yard). Anyway after he overdosed on his meds, and ended up back in rehab I managed to move my mother into an aassisted living facility and he moved
in after rehab. He complained constantly
about being there, that he didn't need anyone to give him his meds or help with
anything else for that mattet, and my mother won't let anyone clean the appartment, because they don't clean
under the beds?!?? She also just wants to use me as her sounding board to complain about my father, the food, the people...., yes it can drain the life out of you. I do have a brother that has been in jail the whole time this has been going on
and he will be released soon. Oh goodie. My parents still own their home and I am pretty sure he will be allowed to move back in there when he does get out. My concern is that he may try to spring them
and take them back into that unsafe environment. Which will become even
more unstable if he goes back to using drugs which was the main reason he did what he did to end up in jail. My parents
have always been great enablers and I
know that will never change. My brother 49 now. I did try to convince them to let
me have power of attorney, but after three
hours at the law office it didn't happen. I
know I should just stay in the now and live one day at a time, but it's hard not to project what a nightmare this will turn into. Linbel

No, Veronica, no blood thinners, not even aspirin or other pain reliever/fever reducer stuff.

I'm home from ER, diagnosis: bronchitis… I think it was a default diagnosis in light of what else I DON'T have… and I have Rx for Z-Pak and expect to be all better in a week. This time, I will be taking quality probiotic after the antibiotic… having learned the hard way that my system doesn't like antibiotics so much.

The great news is they actually injected dye into me and ran me through CT (?) machine. Now I can be certain that there is no pneumonia, no blood clot, no fungal infection present in my lungs. That's just nice to know.

After the 'mold business' was found, the Trust told me that they would be purchasing HEPA filters to clean the air in the home. They never did. I learned long ago they don't mean what they say, but I'm going to use this respiratory illness of mine to push for them to keep their word. Its just too important that I can reasonably rely on living in a home that will not cause me - or my father - further harm.

So… that's how my ER visit went. You guys are the best. I wouldn't have gone without a little push and I'm so glad I did go.

Alison blood is never an over reaction. Are you taking a blood thinner?

We have an offer on moms house already. $8,500 less than asking price. Realtor is waiting until wednesday to present it to us hoping for more offers.

Hmm. Pstegman, what you said makes sense… likely from my lungs and not my throat? I have coverage for ER, I think. I might just go in to local and see what they say… I did have pneumonia-like illness for a few weeks, I thought it cleared. Mold is such a respiratory system irritant. Ugh, I hope I'm not over-reacting, but now I'm worried. I didn't consider it being from my lungs… Ok, say a little prayer for me, I'm sure I'll be fine… but yeah, going to go ahead and go in today. Thanks for input.

Alison agree get to the Dr on Monday. Unless you start to bleed significantly it can wait till Monday. Otherwise get to the ER at once

bring out the vultures. When my Dad's mom died she lived in a house he had purchased with his army money. Pretty much everything she had he had bought her. When he came home after the funeral one of his sister's had taken down the curtains and curtain rods and taken them. He didn't speak to her for 40 years...

Bright red is arterial blood or blood from the lungs. See the MD ASAP.

You think so, glad? It's late Friday, I don't even know if my local clinic is open on weekends. I've never seen the blood like that before, though *cringe*… it didn't look good, which is why I was kvetching on here...

Alison,
Sounds like a visit to the doctor, for YOU, is in order.

Happy Friday, Everyone!

This is second morning where I got up and spat significant amount of bright red blood into the sink. Its coming from my throat, but my throat doesn't hurt significantly… I'm just concerned because I'm so suspicious of this house, and that the mold is still here in enough quantity to make me sick. Its a bad feeling. It could be completely unrelated - my friend in the area says his son is ill with strep throat right now. So… might just be something going around. I'm gargling with hydrogen peroxide and salt water, anything other advice?

This is coming on heels of having a mild 2 week pneumonia just a few weeks ago. Gosh darn, I hate getting sick!!! The fluctuations in weather don't help - it was 55 degrees today, was 20 the other day… and the weather's been doing this all month now.

Just wanted to vent about this sickyness. Sometimes it seems I've been sick more often than I've been well in past couple of years… the "mold factor" really make me wonder about things…

Stargazer, hang in there, the vultures will fall away eventually. From your description it sounds like you see the situation clearly. And Sharyn's right - the greed demon just gets the better of some people's thinking at a time like this. I hope you're able to go on and have some sort of positive relationship with extended family after this. I know for myself, I wonder if I'll ever get over some things said and done by cousins… For right now, I don't communicate with them, but someday maybe that will change. I know my grandmother wouldn't want us to have a rift.

I mean demon.

My niece did the same thing. Accused her uncle of blowing the grandparents money because she didn't get an inheritance the grandfather told her she would inherit. By the time both grandparents passed, the money was used on the cost of home care. Relatives except you to live in poverty so they can inherit. Greed...a powerful deman.

Sharyn- Thanks, I have seen it too and even with people I have spoken to they all mention the sibling or 2 who does nothing to take care of the aging parent, but they are usually the ones who create the biggest problems. I agree that it is usually out of guilt or because they think there is more than what really is.

My family fails to realize that anybody who grows up in a situation like mine, there is always that one person who gets more. It has nothing to do with favoritisim, it just has to do with being there. My grandmother could have just never spent a dime, wrote a will and divided it up that way... but she didn't she chose to enjoy her money and spend it on whatever her heart desired.

I feel like part of the reason my uncle's wife is making such a huge deal about money is because she was expecting to be getting a nice inhertance check and the check never came because there really is no money and whatever money there is, was left in trust to my mother and aunt... all done 10+ years ago. While she was very much still sound of mind and very much stilll aware of the world around her.

I think all along my grandmother had my aunt and uncle's spouses pinned to the real type of people they are and because of that, my aunt and uncle are getting nothing from my grandmother and because my cousins never bothered with my grandmother, they are getting nothing either.

Stargazer-i have seen on this site many times where relatives accuse the caregivers of gold digging. It is almost always from the relatives who don't visit. I think it is ignorance 1) they think there should lots more to inherit since you didn't place the elder and 2) they feel guilt for not visiting so they lash out at you. Not too much respect given to you as a caregiver. Prepaying is a good idea. Hugs to you as you deal with the out of the wood work relatives who want to now be acknowledged.

Veronica91 - The stone we chose is a foot smaller than grandpa's and will say pretty much everything grandpa's said. The most affordable offer that we got was 1,940.00 for a 3 foot stone and unlimited writing. Its been determined that the bill is being footed by my aunt (the one who took financial care of my grandmother for the past 10+ years) plus there is a 295.00 fee just to errect the stone. I am still not sure what the point of their meeting is tonight. My mom is worried that my aunt is going to be bullied and shes is going to back down. She would have rather the whole thing be just the siblings, but as I mentioned before, both my aunt and uncle are married to highly controling spouses and that is why neither my aunt or uncle will be meeting with my mom and aunt alone.

I have no final choice, but I actually did offer to max out a credit card to help pay for the funeral costs. I did research though and I found out that you can prepay for your headstone and stuff so I asked that my mother and aunt do that when its their time so that I do not have to deal with out of the woodwork relatives and unneccsary decisions.

Stargazer will your aunt or uncle be contributing to the cost of the headstone? If not and by that money up front they have no say. There can certainly be a discussion but you make the final choice. Don't worry about hurt feelings, they are already f8888d up so just consider what grandma would have liked
I would suggest something simple like
Jane Doe
1920-2014
Beloved wife of
John Doe
1923-2000
Mother of
John Jr, Star and Mary
Finally some kind of phrase that describes her philosophy in life like
"God's helper on earth" or just "Rest in peace" You can add some symbol like praying hands.
If the budget is really small choose a small headstone and limit to her name and dates of birth and death. I don't know the cost of headstones but I understand they are not cheap especially when added to the whole cost of a funeral so don't put yourselves into debt. Grandma will understand your final decision.
Sure she provided a roof over your heads but you have more than paid your dues

Sharyn-- I know there is always smack talk from families. Its just funny that this woman talked so much smack, then ran to the people she talked smack about and blamed it all on my mother. My mother has always been the type to say it directly to the person and never behind their back. Apprently my family has forgotten that, I was with my grandmother in her final months, days and hours. We talked about her wishes, but because it is me, nobody wants to hear it because they all take it as I am making it up. They're all guilty of not spending enough time with my grandmother. My grandmother has great grandchildren that she had only seen in total 5 times and all with the exception of 2 are over the age of 5. She even shared a birthday with one but never actually spent a birthday together. She never even got birthday cards from any of them, yet my aunt and her husband (its their children who have the children) feel that my grandmother's stone should say Great Grandmother on it.... it is almost as if we should put Great Grandma on the headstone because of future great grandchildren (because of whenever I have children). Even people I talk to when I tell them the situation, they agree that it makes no sense for the stone to say Great Grandma when my grandmother rarely saw or spoke to her great grandchildren because my cousins kept their children away and blamed it on my mother. Meanwhile if they had bothered to know anything or ask anything, they would have known that if they ever wanted to visit with my grandmother, my mother was more than happy to step out of her own home for them to visit. My mother and I had no choice but to live in my aunt's house with her and my grandmother because my mother and I would have been homeless or living in a women's shelter. It ended up working out for all of us. I had a fulltime babysitter growing up, my aunt didn't have to take care of my grandmother alone and my mother and I had a place to live. But nobody in my family wants to acknowledge that.

They have always thought my mother and I were milking everything out of my aunt and grandmother. Did my grandmother give me more than she gave my cousins, yes. But I also spent more time with her, and she knew things going on in my life. I always had a very hard time accepting money from her when she was giving it because I was struggling to make my bills or something. I had always rather suffered then let her write me a check, in fear that my uncle's wife would find out then bully my grandmother into writing a check for my cousin who never even made an effort and was caught numerous times fighting with her parents about even visiting my grandma just for an hour.

I often try to tell myself that it's the greed and guilt that have both my aunt and her husband and my uncle and his wife playing these childish games.... they all believe that my grandmother was hiding money, but we have a paper trail proof that my grandmother's financials like bills and bank accounts, and stocks was for well over the past 10 years handled by my mother and my aunt that we live with. My grandma left nothing to my aunt and her husband and my uncle and his wife nor their children or grandchildren because they never bothered with her. They came once and a while and took her out to eat, but if they were too busy, or it didn't fit their schedule, they never showed. My cousins never picked up a phone just for a 2 minute Hello Grandma How are you? She wasn't even invited to the babyshower for one cousin. So she left them nothing, she gave my little cousins each a peice of jewlery of their choosing the one time they came to visit her at the house but that was it. Nothing else and she never got card or anything in return.

Harmonyandgrace--- My family was just the same way, my aunt and uncle's spouses rule them with an iron fist and have caused many problems in the family if you have read my long response. My mother sent picture proof to my aunt that grandma was failing and even posted the pictures on facebook in hopes my cousins would reach out to grams. I feel like maybe I should have done a video like this reaching out to my family. I really do hope things work out for you and that this video reaches your sister and reaches her heart. It has greatly touched mine and I really do hope that things change for the best for you. I hope your sister does wake up and is willing to stand up to her husband and make the effort to spend this very precious and valued time with her before it is too late and the dementia gets progressively worse. Keeping you in prayers that things work out best for you.

Harmonyandgrace, I watched your YouTube video. I don't know you or your sister, of course, but I thought you got the message across lovingly, good job! I put a comment on the video, but if you feel its inappropriate in anyway - like not wanting sis to know you are on this site - please delete. Just wanted to give you some support.

Harmonyandgrace, I thought several times about posting videos on YouTube when my grandmother was still alive… when family members who had been absentee for years suddenly began spreading and subscribing to the idea that I was only helping out my grandmother for some sort of monetary gain. I hated the fallout of all that gossip… there was an investigation by APS social worker because my father and I were accused of abuse… Anyway, I wanted to just put it on video, show them that they were out of their minds with this jealous gossip… and it was hurting "us" as a family… I digress. My point, if I have one, is Good For You! Put the truth out there, don't let them conveniently ignore or think what they want to… absentee relatives are really good about that… On the one hand, they offer no help, on the other, they can certainly find fault in what you are doing. Good luck with everything!

Soooo… about the date I was to go on, that I was pretty excited about… well, no date ever happened. I came down sick on Sunday, rescheduled to Tues, still wasn't well, rescheduled to Weds, still sick… So I've had this sinus and throat sickyness this week so far, I'm not happy about it, but I'm taking extra Vitamin C and trying to just get past it. As far as the relationship with this man goes, strangely it seems to get better each time we DON'T meet, lol. He seems understanding and kind, and his reasons about being overly busy make a lot of sense… doesn't hurt that I can verify his "story" via all sorts of Internet site surfing. So, we'll see. I've gotten back on Facebook recently and reconnecting with old friends in the area. That will help to fill the gaps of feeling lonely and unsupported, I think.

I missed my dad's medical appointment today!!! I had it in my head that it was tomorrow, Friday, but realized with a shock this eve that it had actually been scheduled today. Sigh. The one we missed wasn't too major, just a blood pressure recording and check up, so I hope I can reschedule pretty easy.

I'm going to ask P.C. doc about taking my dad to Psych for evaluation. My father doesn't get out of bed. He doesn't do much besides sleep. When I ask him how he feels, he says he is fine. But it just doesn't seem right to me. So… I'm going to see about having him evaluated for depression.

Emjo, enjoy your vacation! I just found out I get to have one in Manhattan Beach (LA) sometime in next month. Ex is inviting me out for some R&R, he knows I've been through a lot, and its not a rekindling, but it will be nice to just have a vacation on a beach after this long, hard winter.

Hello "everyone," thanks for all of your encouragement and advice about the date that never was, lol. Very anticlimactic, but all in good time, I guess…

Hugs and love to you all.

I never thought my family was dysfunctional until recently. My sister refuses to contact our mother who was diagnosed with dementia two years ago. Before this, she communicated with my mom. My sister's husband is a controlling man who has been a devisive wedge in our family for years. He has always despised my mother for being a strong woman. I don't understand how my sister can not only refuse to contact my mother but also refuse my calls when I attempt to contact her about my mother. I am overcome by sadness because of how my sister is treating my mother and the effect it is having on our mother. I couldn't take it anymore and after attempting to contact my sister FBI phone, text, and email, finally sent her a video (which I posted on YouTube). Do you all think this is wrong? Do you think that that thus may cause her to wake up and realize how awful this is? I am an educated, professional woman but I am past how thus makes me look. I just don't want my mama to hurt. This is the video, "Joan Please Contact Your Mother"
m.youtube/watch?v=0FxMcprrX2U