The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hm. Our plot is thickening. Sister - in a moment of uncharacteristic openness yesterday - said she was getting fed up with getting no replies to her emails from our brother, who shares POA for finances with her.

No reply at all, not just not a helpful reply. Odd.

She is getting uptight about it because, as she put it, he has responsibilities to meet and he's not doing it. I can't imagine it's because she's not confident about making sound financial decisions (she's infinitely better qualified to do so than he is); it's perhaps because her strong sense of fairness makes her feel grumpy that he's pulling no weight at all, or it could be because she prefers to do things strictly by the book and, in this case, the book says they're joint POA and his input is legally required.

What could I do but sympathise? I have a flicker of wondering how she's going to work out that his refusal to get involved is my fault, but I don't care enough about that to worry.

What on earth is brother up to? We haven't heard a peep out of him for six weeks. Do I call him and risk aggravation? Let him stew? His son, Lovely Nephew No. 1, is getting married in a month - leave well enough alone until after? Or best to get any potential flashpoint questions defused before then? Hmmmmmmm….

Sounding good, Sharyn - fingers crossed for the operation x

Sharyn, that's great news! I hope she continues to get better and better.

Just a quick update...my niece received results today which was the last day of chemo...her tumor counts were 55 before treatment and they are now at 7.3!! She said she will know the surgery date after April 1st. Praying the tumor has reduced enough so they can remove it.

Misme I agree she needs to be in a nursing home do not let her wear you down to the point you take her into your home. You might have to change your phone number to stop the calls-does she need a phone available 24/7-mybe her phone could be turned off after a certain time or if you have caller ID do not answer her calls. Professional agencies should be able to deal with her-she just probably does not like their answers and does not accept how things need to be-they need to deal with her bad behaviors -if your sibs all agree how to handle her that would help -since your sister does not want to be a part of her care maybe you and your brother can agree on a game plan to help both of you. Keep coming back to this group you will learn much from others going through difficult problems with their elders -you will learn detachment it is not easy but you will be able to learn how to deal with her power struggles by taking small steps at first and then building on your successes . She now has too much power over you and you need to take some of that power away from her.

Missmel...... Hire a live in for her. Check with some local churches to see if they know of anyone who do this type of work. There are of course steps you need to do prior to this. Also will need to set up relief time for the live in. Check references have an already set up rules of the home, such as visitors, and a written job description/ schedule for mother so you are both on the same page. Also if valuables in home remove them...... inventory as there are sadly sometimes family members, not the kind hearted aides who steal.
Tell her if this situation does not work out then the only option is nursing home period!

Welcome Missmel, you will find comfort and help here.
A couple of quick suggestions. Leave mom in the nursing home. Just tell her no you are not bringing her to your house.Tthe other one is turn off your phone at night. Tell her ahead of time that you won't be taking her calls between the hours of your choice. She is in a place where she is being cared for and any emergencies can be attended to by the staff. Blessings

Dsyfuncational family , sign me up. I am with all of you. I was raised with to sibiling that well one turned out pretty good, the other well major dsyfunction. My dad died several years ago and well I had to do everything, as well they jsut did not have the time. My mom is now in a place where she needs to go in a nursing home because she cant take care of herself, but she has been in several and well it hasn't worked out wiith any if them because things dont go her way, I cant keep doing this , the phone calls late at night, early morning complaining that she hates where she is out, to come get here. I have no one to help me as my older sibling isnt in the picture anymore (her choice) and well my brother she is a bother to him. Plus I live in another state and cant move her closer. I have spent my life taking care of my parents , my dad had kidney disease for 10years and is gone now, I need help but yet every agency I call cant help me cause she has pissed them off, Yay for me, What to do, what to do thoughts anyone?

Caregiving support groups are great to go to if available-you also can help others there -I have a good friend that I met well over 5 yrs.. ago.

Chimpazilla welcome you have come to the right place and soon will have many good friends-the greatest folks are here.

I, too, have been absent for several months on the discussions. Either too busy, too tired, or whatever. Isn't it wonderful though that when things get overwhelming we have somewhere to go and share our feelings? My mother can remember who gave her what, and where she bought each piece of jewelry when they traveled, etc. Like your sister, I don't remember much from my childhood. Some things I value because they came from a dear aunt, whether or not they had value, and other things which meant a lot to my mother, don't mean anything to me and I will never remember the stories attached to them like she does. One of my daughters is into all antiques and treasures every old thing from the family. I'm glad it means so much to her. At my age, I find I am wanting to get rid of extra clothes, etc. and simplify my life, which means spending less time caring for possessions, and more time just doing what I want to. Read somewhere that it is a good thing to take some photos of a treasured object, and then give it away to avoid clutter. You can always trip down memory lane by going through the photos. Personally I'm working on "letting go" of things. Thanks who have written in good times as well as bad. Very helpful for those of us in a bad patch. Blessings to all of you.

I feel the same way...sometimes I feel like I am a chronic complainer about one thing or another. Enjoy quiet!

We grow up in a family where certain things are valued whether it be possessions or virtues depends on the family and each individual. I bring this up because my mother was given a family heirloom many years ago. I have always been into treasuring possessions that were passed on to other family members. To me, it was a continuation of the family, heritage, legacy, a priceless possession that represented family even if it had no great $$$ value.

I always wanted this heirloom the moment my mother acquired it. At the same time, my parents had some possessions that my sister wanted. Our mother out right gave these items to my sister while her mind was still competent. Our mother would not give to me this possession that I treasured since I was 12 years old. I have acquired it as a result of my mother's incapacity. While I enjoy having this "clock" that is approximately 100 years old (it is not rare so not a lot of $$ value but it still has family value to me), I find that I treasure the memories of good times with my family that my sister says she does not remember. My sister openly admits that she "loves things"...especially "old things". I have been very resentful that our mother gave my sister these "things" as a gift, while I had to wait until she was mentally incapacitated. I have come to realize that I am the richer because I value the family connection and memories while my sister values the age and $$$. My mother did not give me this clock as a gift, but the gift she gave me is more valuable than what she gave my sister. I hope you all understand. Blessing to everyone!!

Thanks, Alison. We all have our days! Right now, I too am ready to'sleep.

My life has been exceptionally quiet and without chaos for about a week. Even doctor's visits last Friday, although a bit of a hassle with the long drive and long waits, went fine… I think my internal feeling of something-akin-to-serenity also comes from so many highly stressful events - like the "mold issue," this harsh winter, not knowing how to handle my father's many health issues - all kind of wrapping up, smoothing out. Things are getting handled, getting fixed.

I've never realized how little I have to "say" on here when I'm not in a state of stress. ;-D

So, just thought I would say, then - that I am sending anyone with too much on your plate right now a little bit of my extra energy of the moment. I hope whatever's in your work pile gets resolved sooner rather than later, and with relative ease. G'night all.

Sandwich that's why everyone comes here to learn and to share. There is also a lot of information on the web that you can research. The alzheimers society is a good place to start.

I don't know how people are supposed to get through this process of mom/dad aging and then dying. We do nothing to prepare ourselves as a society. Just on this board, there's so many similar tales.
We keep doing the same broken thing over & over & over. I certainly don't want my kids going through this the hard way.

I was talking about it with my dental hygienist yesterday. Her dad just got a dementia diagnosis and she has several siblings. Everybody has to learn all this from scratch and go through the different stages with their family as if it's not been done before. That doesn't seem fair.

There ought to be a class to go to or a movie to watch. "So your parents are getting older..." Like we had to watch in Health in high school.

Brandy, it sounds like POA is quite defensive. Stop and ask yourself why...

Dear Forum, I spoke out to POA about my loved one's care that POA is providing, now in the home. All I wanted to know is a few simple things and it was like I was a Nazi killer. It is now WW3 here on the East coast. Fur super flying. I got yelled at, screamed at, super verbally abused just b/c I was wondering about my loved one's care. I couldn't sleep, I was shaking, and I thought I was going to have another nervous breakdown. I'm done here. If POA reads this then it will be WW4 and beyond. I will come back here as someone else. Thank you for all the support you have given me. Brandy.

On the gas issue, I think they have internal Fracking machinery, because fracking releases a lot more gas.

Bookluvr - I call it PowerFarting. My mom is a gold medalist at it, and I learned that the first night we shared a hotel room bringing her up from NC. I slept not a wink due to endless PowerFarting, PowerBelching, and Sawmill Snoring. How can so many noises come out of one human being at the same time? We didn't share a hotel room again.

Veronica91 - The nephrologist ordered an ultrasound since one had never been done before. I guess he wants to rule out anything structural, or at least get info nobody has had on her yet. He said he wanted to see how they were draining. I was stumped to learn she has body parts nobody has made images of up to now! Her other innards from rooter to tooter have been very well documented.

Countrymouse - I keep all receipts for things I have to pay for, and reimburse myself when they add up to $100 or more. I try to be so careful in case of an audit. It is exhausting. There is utterly nothing simple when it comes to mom.

I started telling mom that I will care as much as she does about her health. If she isn't going to do her part every day, then why should the rest of us be bothered? Why should I burn my time off from work to drag her around from doctor to doctor and procedure to procedure when she's just going to skip her meds, eat the wrong food on purpose, and not give a rat's patoot? All she has to do is get up, take a shower, get dressed, take some pills 3 times a day, take a shot once a day, eat regular meals, and walk around a little bit. Nobody is asking her to run a marathon or do backflips. She doesn't have to hold a job down or be responsible except for these few things and that's too much.

76 years of learned helplessness, victim mentality, personality disorders, and the worst case of stubborn I've ever seen do not point toward a cooperative experience.

Bookluvr................ In my book........you were so right to admonish him. Yuk!!!!!

I was in the middle of changing father's pampers tonight. Okay, I was slightly bending over, cleaning his butt, when he started letting out of gas down there. So much force coming out, I jumped back, and tried really hard not to breathe in. As he continued gassing out, he told me to continue cleaning him. Heck No! I told him that is so rude! How would he like it if I went right in front of his face and kept farting into it. Would he like it? He didn't answer.

Never read Erma Bombeck. Her covers are very interesting, though.

Sandwich, happy memories. The Snake Has All The Lines. I Lost Everything In The Post Natal Depression. And a wonderful, wonderful story about gingham kitchen curtains laughing at soap and water… Dear Erma Bombeck. I'm so grateful my mother was a fan of hers or I might never have heard of her.

Less happy rest of the day for you, blimey. It will be very very good when you are not accompanying your mother every step of the way. If she were with someone who didn't give two hoots about her she couldn't be pulling any of this, you know - and I hope you got that grocery money back.

But thanks for reminding me about Erma :) Have a better day x

Sandwich. If you know Mom is going to need dialysis why on earth are you doing ultrasounds. Save yourself the hassle. Ask questions before agreeing especially if you know Mom won't co operate. As far as the grocery store is concerned all i can say is that you have my sympathies.

Jammichele, when you get older and have dementia, the last to go is the part of the brain that likes to cuss and talk nasties. I'm dreading when father gets to that stage.

Sandwich - kudos to you! Just reading your post was tiring me and raising my blood pressure.

Not much happening here. I've been keeping the news on trying to glean as much on the latest info on the Malaysia Airlines' disappearance. I have several customers who take that airline to go to Kuala Lumpur.

Omg sandwich, yikes... I can relate to a lot of what you posted. My mom isn't that vile yet, mostly very depressing and passive aggressive, but nothing would surprise me at this point. She acts similarly at the grocery store and it takes her four hours to shop. She likes to tell everyone she meets about her pathetic childhood, total strangers even... and about how her daughter (me) doesn't love her.

I can share stories about some horrible times in my childhood filled with drinking, crying, pills, rage, and horrible social dysfunction... and I will do so from time to time.

Tell me about where you have your mom living, and about the 24/7 place you'll move her too, if you don't mind! And thanks for the invitation over to here!

I wish we still had Erma Bombeck around to write about going through these caregiving years. I'm just on the other side of doing little kids, and now I have a 76 year old toddler with a stick. I wonder what Erma would write.

Today is a detatched day. Mom's in time out, or maybe I'm in time out. Either way, or both at the same time. Took her to a kidney ultrasound Friday - used 2 hours PTO to do it. 2 hours that could have been used on me for a mammogram or dentist visit that I'll never get back.

She was a hot under the collar from the moment I arrived. Said I was an hour late, when I was exactly on time, and let me have it in front of this really nice man who sits in the ALF lobby. He was embarrassed for both of us. She had no socks, no coat, no walker, but was trying to carry (juggle?) a blazer, a cane, and 3 purses. It's like going out with somebody else's un-parented 3 year old these days.

Once she started getting in the car, I darted back in to get her coat and the walker. It was still 30 degrees, quite windy, and there is still an awful lot of snow & slush on the ground. If I need a coat, she needs a coat.

3 purses - a little bit of something in all of them, and she can't perform the processes to put that stuff into one purse anymore. Claims somebody stole a $100 bill from her. Won't let me help in any facet. I'm just driving Miss Daisy.

She couldn't/wouldn't sit still during the ultrasound. I had to ask her over & over to just lie still for the nice lady please, or we'll have to stay longer until we can get a good picture. Stop fiddling and lie still. OK, don't lie still.

She blew a gasket in the car on the way back because I hadn't psychically guessed she wanted to go get vegetables. OK, let's pull into this grocery store. I had to laugh because mom has to push the cart - fine. But she wanders down the aisle in a zig zag pattern, blocking everybody and their carts the entire time. She got so mad when the 4th person on the first aisle asked to be let past. And Lord forbid that I try to help guild the cart to stay on one side with "traffic". I probably apologized to every single person in that store at least twice.

The only thing I actually took away from her was a 2L dark diet pop, because the kidney doctor said not to have that anymore. Well...you can guess what happens when you take a 3 year old's candy away. Foot stomping. Fist waving, hissy fit pitching right there in the aisle. I should have just let her have it and to hell with the consequences for her. She's going to end up on dialysis anyway, what's another 2L of banned pop? I did let her have the pickles and high sodium canned veg & sausage, etc. she wanted. I give up. It's too big of a struggle to keep her on track, so I do what I can. That day was not much.

At the reigster, it got really busy very suddenly and there was a very long line behind us and in the next few lanes. Where did all those people come from at once? Anyway, mom couldn't find her ATM card in any of the 3 purses, so I reached in to try to speed this up. People behind us were getting ticked. So I apologized. Hopefully they can see the dementia for themselves. I got my hand slapped for helping. I should have seen that coming.

Anyway, mom got so distracted and was convinced her debit card was stolen, that I paid for the groceries with MY MONEY instead, just to be done. Oh looky - there's the debit card after all. Neat how that worked don'tcha think?

I bagged everything while she continued to futz around with 3 purses, a cane and walker, insisting a $100 bill was gone. Good lord, how can you know with 3 purses? Between the grocery store and her apartment was a good 20 minutes of berating, belittling, criticizing, and accusing me of giving dad his final heart attack that killed him 1986. That's a sore point with me. Dad & I were very close and he protected me from her my whole life up to that point.

I remember the night dad died. I was not quite 15. We had ribs for supper. Mom started some idiotic fight like she did all the time over everything & anything. She wouldn't let up or leave him alone. It went on for hours with shouting and her following him around to scream at him. He went to bed early with chest pain. And never woke up. So if we're going to get into an arguement over who did what that gave dad a heart attack, let's do that. I'll totally go there. Except I know it's pointless to argue with a dementia person. I will never get to have the satisfaction of winning that argument or making any kind of point about it.

So I just told her to stop talking. Just STOP TALKING because you're really ticking me off. NO MORE TALKING - QUIET NOW. I could not get her out of my car fast enough. I dragged her cane, walker, groceries, coat, and 3 purses up to her apartment while listening to more of her putrid, nasty, vile, disgusting abuse. And then I left. I didn't put anything away, I left it all in a pile on the floor for her to figure out. Or not. Whatever. I just had to get out of there to keep my composure and control. Everybody has limits, and I had well passed mine.

My husband, the saint, went over with me last evening to change her clocks. She had not been up at all yet. Was still flat of her back, reeking of pee, and had not taken her pills for the day. Gee, I wonder where the crazy behavior comes from! I didn't say one word to her. Her bathroom sink was full of foul smelling clothes she had put to soak who knows when, so I put that in a bag and the rest of her dirty stinky laundry and high tailed it to the lobby. I could hear her shouting "now don't let her take my laundry - I'm going to do it". Right. Just like the dirty dishes piled up on both sides of the sink for two weeks now....

I waited a good half hour before my hubs finally was able to come downstairs and go. He said they didn't talk about anything. It was just her trying to remember something important she never did remember.

I will be so glad when she is moved to the 24/7 unit and won't need groceries or dishes anymore. The next time I get over there, I'm going to replace all the dishes & silver with disposables. It's nasty and unsanitary to prepare food around and area that smells and looks like a swamp. I thought I saw an alligator peek out at me from behind the soap, but he was too afraid of mom to come out.

On the contrary, my GM's late stages of dementia brought a very mild, pleasant, usually happy, very sweet personality… of course there were bad times, but they seemed to pass fairly quickly and easily. Her early stages were frustrating and frightening to her, and she was very lonely, I think, for a lot of years, but in her last years, she was just at peace. I'm glad, I guess, that she was this way and not still experiencing the agitation associated with the disease.

But I would have a hard time not laughing if a woman at bingo was encouraging the women to pull their pants off…

My late GM's late husband - who had Alzheimer's for 10-15 years and whom my GM cared for at home all that time - used to curse a blue streak and just say the meanest things constantly. "Dirty" things, too, at times. It is sad, because he was never like that before he got advanced in his Alz. He was a sweet, happy go lucky personality… completely changed his personality when he got lost inside his Alz.