The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Was at nursing home playing bingo with mom and others there, sitting at table with another patient who has Alzheminer's. OOOOOOHHHHHH MMYYYYYYY! Poor thing wasn't saying anything but horrible dirty things about female parts, and pulling our pants down. My mother kept trying to get the woman to hush, and she would just laugh. Wonder why this disease causes some to cuss, and talk dirty like that? Some just repeat other sentences over and over, or walk around in a daze and almost mute. I swear, it is sad, but I must admit I had an awful time control the urge to laugh. When the woman said to me, "lets take our pants off, I said no that's not a good idea." She said, why not I do. Oh lordy!

Book,
Yes it is changed. A couple of months ago I received a survey asking about how it should be changed. It contained several suggestions, then the option to propose something else entirely.

Has anyone noticed that the AC logo has changed? It's no longer "caring for aging parents." It's now "connecting caregiver." which is actually more realistic with all the different caregivers here - husbands, wives, paid caregivers, etc...

Laughing about sharing toothbrush. Happens all the time around here! Mom with hubby's. We have a budget for toothbrushes and when low, I need to watch which toothbrush mom is going to use! LOL!

ABB-if you can not use your Dad's money -I would tell them you can not take him to his appointments -let him use a taxi once and see how much it costs him -why should he get- a free ride through life-why can't you use his money for his benefit? is it so they all get more money when he dies-I would negotiate a set am't each month to receive because of all that you do-if they say no then someone else can truck him around and provide for him. Brandy take your power back-it is horrible how you are being treated.

Oops sorry! Didn't get much sleep last night..

Ha! Funny he's using Sis toothbrush!

No, toothpaste... expensive brand... I was curious...I think bro thinks oldest sis toothbrush is his. Who am I to dispute it?

Book did you really use his toothbrush?

As you know, baby brother is here. He wanted to kill me for putting him on the 14-hour flight from Houston to Tokyo. He said that the airline fed them very good food. They would have to - to calm down the restless people on that very long flight. (He looked at me with daggers in his eyes.) I felt bad but the only way to get him home without an overnight enroute -was to fly via Japan. He can go through Hawaii but he would have to spend the night somewhere.

He was telling favorite sister and her hubby with disbelief in his voice: that he can't believe that his toothpaste is still in the bathroom. And his shampoo. And his set of Irish Spring soap. He's been gone a year and it's all still there!

Sis and hubby were laughing because as he told them this, I kept nodding. He bought a cheap shampoo. I tried to use it after he left last year, and I had major dandruff. I tried to use his toothpaste but it made my teeth sensitive to hot/cold. As for the Irish Spring soap - it's too harsh on my skin. Dries it up badly. So, his stuff just remained in the bathroom. =)

Taheil - Just know this before you leave. If you leave, there is a very strong possibility that your sister will change the POA, and may formally accuse you of things. Hence my advice to you is to have documents of proof (hopefully?) I am constantly worrying about my father calling 911 to accuse me of stealing from him. Okay, terrified. The problem is that we have our yelling matches which some may misconstrue as me abusing him. So, I have ... in my opinion.. been able to cut back in our arguments.

Crazycg - What your sister is doing to you seems to be a very common running theme on this site. It's such an eye opener. It's tiring to continue to fight our parent into doing what's good for them when - they know better than us and insist on doing it their way. You and hubby are doing good despite all this. {hugs}

I am helping my daughter with her infant who came a couple months early so I haven't been able to watch Mom's purchases. Now her sugar level has jumped another 10 points and her cholesterol has jumped 25 points. When I looked to see what she has been keeping in her room and it is full of cookies, candy, crackers, etc. She is living with me because the doctor says she cannot live alone. I try to give her some freedoms but wonder if I shouldn't restrict her more. She thinks she knows more than everyone. She lives with Me and my husband, although she is mean to both of us because my sister is living off her daughter. My sister really doesn't want to take care of her but they love bashing me every night, or when my sister can make some time to talk with her. I just feel like I am fighting all the time trying to get her to take care of herself. My brothers are just glad they don't have to deal with my mom. She was not the most loving mother. Oh well another rough day with my mother but at least I have my grandbaby to hold and love on to make it all better. Thanks for letting me ramble on! Hugs to all.

I am her POA and I'm afraid my sister will get Mother to change everything because she hates me so much. This is one of the reasons I'm leaving.

You can keep anything of your fathers and maybe also your mother's living will. DNR orders, you may need to leave the original behind because when mom died, the EMT wanted the original and not the copy that we had posted on the wall. They needed to see the signatures on the DNA and the copies were not very clear (because the original was also not clear. People sign documents with scrawling signatures and did not print their name below it.) You can keep a copy of it. Or keep the original and make sure the copy is very clearly legible.

Who is POA? If you are POA, then you keep the original. But do know, that POAs can be changed (even underhandedly.)

Can I keep all important papers in regards to the house, Fathers Military papers, his death certificate, insurance policies, Mother's living will, her DNR orders (which the hospital already has) POA's etc...... when I leave? I have taken all these papers out of the house and put them somewhere safe so people with big noses couldn't find them. I hated to have someone destroy everything I worked so hard on getting Mother to have them written up.

Sharyn, I forgot who did that to me, too. Just that one very short salutation, and I giggled when I read it. I'm glad that it had the same affect on you! {{Hugs}}
If it helps, (I do it all the time), ask Karma to visit the person who is pissing you off...

Taheil, I agree with you. I think it's time to move on. When everyone starts blaming you/accusing you after 14 years of caregiving, it is time to go. Since everyone seems to KNOW what is going on and have the nerve to treat you like dirt, for all those hard work with the parents - it's time to move on.

For a doctor - who is not a family member - to ask if you're taking money, means someone is spreading bad stuff about you - behind your back. And even for the doctor to start believing it - It's time to move on.

Because it's going to get worse. From your mother, from authorities, from your siblings. Before you go, I Strongly Recommend you photocopy all the receipts. Write notes, dates, etc... to protect yourself. Even if you move away, your spiteful sister may still come after with accusations. And I totally agree with you. You already spent 14 years caregiving. You have 2 siblings who seem to want to be in the driver's seat. Soooo, let them drive.

If you're mom can still be independent, formally write a letter to all the agencies dealing with your mom - your mom's doctor, the visiting nurse (if your mom has this), etc... Keep copies of these letters formally letting them know that you are moving away, and your brother will be taking over mom's care. Protect yourself as much as possible. I wish you well. {{HUGS}}

fedup, how frustrating and frightening! You can report her to Adult Protective Services and I would for everybody's safety.

Emjo, sorry to hear about your kitty. I would think about adopting an older cat for the company alone. I have had the problem with comments posting twice. I have found when the site seems to be running slow, if I hit submit a second time the comment will post twice. Your problem with posting too soon is very odd. I wonder if there is a function button on your computer that might be doing it, or a combination of keys that you hit that is being interpreted as submit. I really have no idea, just guessing.

Tracy... I can do that..... sounds like you are having a bad day......... You have done a good job. I hope you feel better!

Please pray for me. If you all go to church put in a pray request for my safe journey to find me. Sounds weird to say that but it is true. Somewhere I lost Tracy.

Tracy..... you are in a bad place...... what can I do?

Hello everyone,I haven't been up to date on what everyone is up to lately and I'm sorry. Life has taken some strange turns as of late and not for the good I'm afraid. At Mothers last check up with her Dr. my sister actually hit me in the waiting room while we were waiting to be called. The last time I talked on here was wondering if I should give up caring for my Mother or not. Last week my decision was made in the waiting room. Later that night my wonderful Mother told me the Dr had asked her and my brother if I was taking money from my Mom. Now my Mother still has all her ducks in a row and she could have said something to anyone and that got back to the Dr. I don't know but I've had all the back stabbing and untruths I can take. Today I got a nasty email from my sister about yelling at Mother and I don't know what she is talking about. Plus she threatened me if I yelled at Mom for her writing the email. I'm leaving and going somewhere no one in my family can call me when Mother truly does need help. They can figure it out. I got to thinking about just how long I have been taking care of both of my parents without any help and it has been 14 years. I think I've done my part now its someone else's turn. I done know where I'm going but my God will show me the way. May God bless and keep you safe tonight

Sharyn, I mentioned my anger, but went back and re read your posts. You say you're taking things too personally, causing your feelings to be hurt. I made the leap to anger, because I think I do this, too. Take things personally, get my feelings hurt, then overtime leads to anger because it doesn't resolve. Then I just end up with this deep down smoldering anger and resentment that will bubble over when something pushes my buttons.

I hope you're able to work through some of these deep emotional feelings and come out feeling better about yourself and the situations. I hope the same thing for myself. (((hugs)))

Emjo I'm sorry about the loss of your kitty, they give us so much love and enrich our lives the loss is very hard.

I wonder if I am hitting a combination of keys somehow that submits, but have no idea what those keys would be. I tend to type fast and seems to be worse then, but I have no idea how that first post posted twice. I couldn't do it if I tried. I will try slowing down - works sometimes but not always. I should type in Word and then cut and paste. I think that works.

I wish I understood what causes some of you - emjo - to have problems posting. I don't seem to have any problems, none that I notice anyway. Hope the site gets it fixed soon.

Fedupcaregiver, I wish I had some suggestions for you. I don't, but likely others here will.

Sharyn, I can so relate to the anger that builds, and stays - even though I don't WANT it to - and also how I feel somehow a bit guilty about that anger, and like I must reign it in and just not feel it… or I'm somehow a lesser person if I do feel it. Well, hell. Guess what? I got a lot of anger. I try to take it to the gym and get rid of most of my stress there. For me, it does help. But its not a complete fix, of course. Today was spent in infuriating, maddening, stop and go traffic on the Interstate as I take my father to the main Chicago VA med facility to begin again with getting some baselines established for his medical care. The days at the VA are long and tedious for me, I leave with my blood pressure up and a headache every single visit there. BUT… I got it done. There's only a couple more appointments needed to get him "in the system" again, then the home nurses can largely manage his care from there.

Found out today that my older bro did absolutely nothing to help facilitate my dad's relocation to senior apartment in Indy while he was at bro's house for months/weeks (dad was at bros house for couple months in Fall '13, while I returned to try to help get mold remediation done at house, then more recently dad was at bros for several weeks). I get a little miffed that my bro approaches me with this attitude of "why haven't you relocated dad already, gotten this done, what else do you do all day" when bro isn't even willing to take him to see some places while he has him in the same city. I provided bro with short list of properties I thought looked good. My father says topic of relocation never came up while he stayed with my bro. Sheesh, at the very least, my bro could help by talking to my dad about why relocating is good idea. Everything is being left to me - the one that's unemployed, homeless, and doing this constantly for almost 3 years now… but of course, the reasoning in their minds is "well, you don't have a job, you have the time." I don't have a job because I spend all my time doing this kind of stuff… its a big, thankless Catch 22.

Today, my father did agree to help financially with household and vehicle expenses. Yay! That is helpful and a step in good direction.

My head wanted to explode at a few different times today, but it didn't explode and now I'm home and in bed very early… have to take truck into shop first thing tomorrow morning, something is definitely wrong with it. I just hope its an easy fix.

Hope you all had good days or at least "ok" days, lol.

Margeaux, I echo Joan's comment that we haven't seen post from you in a bit. Hope all is well with you.

Book, I did send an email to Trust about unacceptable level of "repair" in the basement. There is someone coming Monday to look at it. Yes, I'm taking pictures of it, too. But thanks for the good ideas. I was just wrestling with whether or not I could live with the lousy repair job… decided, no, I can't, not without making a stink and at least trying to get them to redo properly. Sigh, what would my life be without endless VA trips, the Trust not fixing the house right (if at all), and my vehicle needing something or other fixed every few weeks? I sure hope I get the chance to find out someday! ; )

Did I mention I'm going to a proper nice dinner out in city on Sunday, then to a proper show at a theater? :D I think one nice evening out will tide me over for a month, at least.

(((hugs)))

personality disorder or something like that that meds would help. Going to stop now before this thing acts up again. Drugs were t

unstable sometimes - Does she have dementia? If so some meds will help her behaviour. She may have a persinait

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