The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

For those you looking for companionship via the net...I really have no experience with it but I wish you the best in your search. I think there are enlightened people who are out there for you.

Estate sale will be the weekend of 15-16 of March as we have had too much intermittent rain since the end of February and the estate liquidators do not want want to have the sale if it is raining for obvious reasons.

i am keeping a low profile because I have much to do that I have placed as priority.

Blessings to everyone...I need some space right now.

Since I have to be somewhat circumspect on this site, I will just say that things are not good here. I wish to be anonymous, so I may be taking care of my step mother, my mother, my brother, my cousin or someone else. This person def has dementia and has it a long time. This person might most recently had a stroke, or another disease or a heart attack. He or she may be in the NH or may not. It might be in my town or it may be far away. I may be taking care of this person in my home. But all I know is that I am stressed out to the max by the POA and by the situation whatever it is. My cousin says I should be more assertive with the POA. Have you ever tried being assertive with a person who knows it all and has a mean temper? I feel like a wimp for not being assertive, but I don't like confrontation and I must keep my blood pressure low. Don't want to have a heart attack over being assertive with the POA. POA wins all the time anyway so just let them. Won't say if the POA is a man or a woman. Said too much already. If he/she gets wind of this posting, they will set off WW3. And the fur will fly.

Book-
It looks as if it is an ad for hair care products, I prefer to think of my situation as flying by the seat of my pants! LOL!

I have heard that if you are going glutin free it is very easy to contaminate glutin free foods with those containing the naughty glutin. Do we have a Dietition who can advise

They are great! You can cook with almond milk, or also rice milk is good for making white sauce - not much flavour of its own. Nutritional yeast works for making a cheesy sauce. Cook up some GF pasta and you have a pasta and cheesey dish. I have made lasagna GF noodles, and tofu instead of cottage cheese and soya cheese slices on top. The rest is normal. It is not the same exactly, but is good, and there are so many variations of lasagnas these days anyway. GF spaghetti works - finding a pasta sauce without wheat or dairy is easy. Stir fries are good and easy to make. You can find soy sauce without wheat in it. Most of them have wheat - just read the ingredients. The only canned soups I have found without wheat are some pea soups and a chicken and rice/wild rice. I found only one frozen entrée without wheat - a chicken n rice one sweet n sour I think. Haven't bothered for a while. Picture me standing over the frozen food bin reading ingredients while my fingers got chilled.

Alison - you have a weight of things - caregiving a parent, who has been abusive, is very stressful. You are doing it without any family support -rather the opposite, and they are putting you down. All of that is very hard. Please give yourself credit.

Margeaux -haven't heard from you in a while.

Hoping everyone is OK. and not snowed in. I know book isn't anyway. It is finally warming up a bit here. Have a good one and do something good for you today. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

I have purchased the coconut milk bars for mom. She likes them too.

You never know. You can get substitutes for a lot of things like gluten free bread, muffins and so on. It is not that difficult, but takes a bit of getting used to. There are soy cheeses, cream cheese, and sour cream Tofutti brand. You may be able to get others. Daiya makes a decent cheese substitute. I found frozen coconut milk bars in Safeways that even Gary likes. Also they have a section of GF baked goods. My recipes are all GFDF. Lots of recipes are available online too. Good luck.

At least I have a few days to plan what the heck she is going to eat! I may become quite the chef like JeanneGibbs and be posting all sorts of wonderful sounding meals. Maybe I will start feeling better too.

I think it is worth a try. Do your research and a week should show some difference if it is going to work. Imodium does a great job and as far as I know it is pretty harmless and can be taken indefinitely. It has a different mode of action to Lomotil and may well be more effective. It slows down the movement of the gut and allows for more fluid reabsorption. It did a great job for me last week. Let us know if anything works.

The only suggestions are first the dairy free then gluten free then Imodium. I am not hopeful that anything will work. I remember she used to take Lomotil probably 40 or 50 years ago I but don't think it did much good.

Glad - Oh yeah, that would do it. Does her doc have any suggestions?

Alison - maybe not tougher, but kinder to yourself. let go of the "shoulds" and "should nots"

Emjo-
Years ago my mom had an illectomy, removal of 12-18 inches of intestine because of damage to it from years of D. There must be much more damage now, I suspect regardless of what we do, it will not help. Thank you for all the info!

It is a deal - gluten or dairy free. Check online for lists of allowable GF or DF foods. I am both. It seemed insurmountable to begin with, but really pays off in health and you get used to shopping that way. There are so many more products that are GF and/or DF now, and you are safe with fresh foods like fruits, veggies and meat, rice. Lots of GF pastas, cereals, crackers, cookies, and even DF ice cream - not as bad as it sounds. No point in doing it unless you do it properly. Wouldn't it be great to stop your mum's D? My dil had pretty bad D and tried gluten free and it worked for her. Good luck and let me know if you have any questions. I thought I did not have to be that careful, but find I do.

Wow! Emjo! What have I gotten myself into? Gluten free? OMG!

Thanks for the advice and warnings about the dating… Veronica, I especially liked your cynical take on it. The only reason I was even THAT disappointed is because I lumped the cancellation in with every other reason my life stinks right now. And that's what constitutes the proper pity party, isn't it? Just saying to yourself "NOBODY likes me, EVERYBODY hates me, I'll go eat worms"? Its ridiculous to think so broad about your WHOLE life being negative but caregiving life brings lots of dreary days… for me, anyway… so something minor happens and I just feel the weight of things in a way I shouldn't. I need to get tougher, I think. Thanks for all the support. (((hugs)))

Alison - hope your big D is over. Some of us have touchy guts. Share what you wish to :) pity parties included. I agree there is nothing you can do about the weather, you can tend to your dad's medical issues which you are -and you can and are doing something about your joblessness and dating status. Not the your efforts have born fruit yet, but keep trying. Today is a new day. Learning to be a better partner is great. It isn't easy.

Glad - the social worker is from the hospital mother is in. We don't pay as it is through the Alberta Health System. If you are eliminating, a couple of weeks is generally recommended. As Veronica says you would have to eliminate all dairy which includes for example any casein, or whey which are found in many products. I have been/am going through this and you have to read labels all the time as ingredients can change. For example, most margs have whey in them so will trigger any dairy allergy, There is one Becel that doesn't and Earth Balance that I have found. No dairy means no butter, cheese, yogurt, milk, cream or any product with any dairy in it. Be on the lookout for -- and avoid -- these common dairy-derived ingredients: casein, whey, ghee, lactic acid, lactalbumin, lactoglobulin, lactose, milk sugar and recaldent (found in dental products). Anything marked vegan will be dairy free. Check out the internet for things to avoid. The same when you try the avoid gluten. Many people get D from gluten. Most processed foods like soups, frozen dinners, of course all breads and crackers, cereals - even rice crispies because it is contaminated in the factory. You need to buy food that are labelled gluten free - or check the labels for the allergens. Even a little contamination makes a difference. I, for example, only buy nuts that have the allergens noted. Almond milk does not have gluten or dairy. It is made from almonds and apparently you can make it yourself. Check the labels - some of the flavoured ones may have an allergen. You do have some big obstacles to overcome. $9000 wow, unbelievable. I would be up the creek without a special diet, as I get sinus infections and massive headaches from eating the wrong things. Good luck! I don't envy the position you are in. Oh, BTW there is lactose intolerance and also an allergy to the milk protein casein - two different conditions. Typically lactose intolerance gives the big D. Casein reaction is the same as other allergies. You have to aim at 100% elimination of the substances people are sensitive to.

SA - I know what you are trying to say and you are right - Guard your heart.

book - don't bother - it is lactose free. You are right it is not a "milk" at all and only has calcium if it is added. You can make you own almond milk with a blender and almonds. Hope you find the source of your dad's D.

Haven't accomplished much these days, but started walking around the house to get some exercise as it is too cold and windy outside still. My chest hurt a bit the next day just from going from the airport to the car - mind you with wind chill in the minus 30s. Walked 10 minutes briskly or about 1/2 mile or more. Recent research shows that 10 mins exercise a day brings benefits. Will try to do it twice a day, then ramp up and include the stairs as I used to do. I cooled off on the exercycle. Need to get in shape for our holiday and sightseeing, whenever G decides we are going!!!
Have a good day everyone and do something good for you. (((((((((hugs)))))))))

Glad, with my father's last doctor's visit, he said to avoid dairy products. Sis told him about the Almond milk chocolate that dad drinks. The doc said that it doesn't have dairy, so it's okay. Prior to his doctor's visit, I've been buying this for several months. Only recently, when I looked at the label, that I discovered that it's name is very deceiving. It says "milk" but there's no milk product And NO Calcium.

For the past couple of days, he's been getting watery stool. Needless to say, it doesn't just stay in the butt, but tends to move ALL over the pampers, front included. I was commenting on his watery BM, and sis said that it's from the apple juice. When I found out that he likes apple juice, I've been buying a lot of it - so he's been drinking it daily.

Now to your question...I can Test to see if the Almond chocolate milk has lactose by drinking it daily. If it does have lactose, after several days, I should have some kind of reaction. Except, I tried that drink and don't like it. I'll buy some tomorrow and give it a taste test.

Veronica, thanks for your ideas. Lactose in moms diet is very, very, little, I think. We have been using almond milk for a couple of years which she seems to like all right, but now I wonder if almond milk contains gluten maybe a bit of lactose? Anybody know?

Glad I would start by eliminating dairy from your Mom's diet. that can be a very sneaky intolerence. I figured that out by chance when I started drinking boost which is made from whey which is very easy to digest but not if you are intolerent. then I tried ensure which I hate and the same thing. then I eliminated dairy and that worked. Since then I have tried something like a slice of cheese in a sandwich and predictable explosion the next day. Now I can tolerate milk in tea or coffee and a little butter but that's it. Lactaid free milk is available but about $8 a gallon. I don't like soy but have found chocolate almond very pleasant plus a vegetable based protein supliment which I mix in the almond and that makes it like drinking liquid chocolate pudding. just my experience but it could be woth a try. All of the strange "milks" cost about $8 a gallon. There are other cheeses available which are lactose free but all I can find is the cottage cheese which is fine if mixed with something tasty. lactose intolerence is extremely common and few people recognize they have it.

Alison, as far as I'm concerned, you're moving in the right direction. Most people would never admit that someone was right about certain...h***, what do I call them?...character flaws?...and we've ALL got them, one way or the other. Seeing them, acknowledging them, is the first step in getting stronger in those weak areas. Most people don't even want to look at themselves that closely.

Right now, with my mindset the way it is, I can't even begin to imagine wanting to date, while at the same time I don't want to be alone forever either. I just have the attitude that if it happens some day, it happens and if it doesn't, so be it.

What worries me, honestly, is that you were emotional because this man, a stranger, canceled your date and that had the power to hurt you. It worries me because if something so simple and innocent can upset you, what happens if there's a real problem?

There's worse things than being lonely. Don't ever depend on any man for your happiness or well being. That should already be in place, long before you enter a relationship, imo. If you rely on someone, anyone, else for those things, it's a train wreck waiting to happen.

Gah, not trying to be a downer here...not even sure what I'm trying to say here... I hope someone knows. XD

I guess I'm advising caution in the dating world. No expectations, especially from the get go. If you allow yourself high expectations, especially at first, or from the wrong guy, you could be in for a world of disappointment. Just be careful and guard your heart.

Hey Allison, you got a date that's progress and this guy has a job!!! Wow you are onto something here unless it's all fake and his wife wants him to go to MIL's birthday party that night. Sorry to be mean but I am a cynical old lady. Many Hugs

Have any of you seen this ad? If you google, " adweek subway by Tim Nudd" it is soooo neat! The things people are coming up with - regards to ads....

Alison there is nothing wrong with a good pity party from time to time. I must admit they don't usually work that well for me because as soon as I follow the train of thought very far - poor me, this is not fair, hand-wringing etc. - I start thinking of Radiohead songs ("waily waily groan oooo life is terrible I wish I were dead aaaaarrgggh" sums up most of them: or, as they put it in The Simpsons, "depressing teenagers is liking shooting fish in a barrel") and, by contrast, The Yeoman of the Guard ("I have a song to sing, o" which has the refrain "hey dee hey dee misery me lackaday dee") and dissolve in giggles.

But if you wish to feel sorry for yourself you go right ahead and do so. It's not like we have nothing to feel burdened about. Just don't let it stop you doing something more fun afterwards xxx

Glad, you have a smart social worker/guardian. It would have been better if she accompanied your siblings to all these facilities so that they can hear it with their own ears and right from the horse's mouth how much these facilities cost.

ABB, the frustrations will continue to increase. Ugh!!!!

Emjo
Is the social worker from the facility your mom is in? The social worker\guardian working on our stuff has me looking at facilities for my mom. It is part of an exercise to show siblings how much care actually costs. Well, I have looked at three in three days. And even placing my mom in a memory care setting is difficult because of her chronic diarrhea, has become very difficult for her to manage alone down right unsafe for her to try, that she has had for at least 50 years. Now, in addition to facility shopping I am playing with her diet to see if we can get the bathroom problem eliminated. This week I am eliminating butter, if that doesn't work, next week will be a gluten free diet. I am not looking forward to that! If that doesn't work then on to Imodium once a day for a week, then the following week Imodium twice a day. I have a sneaking suspicion nothing will work otherwise it seems she would have figured it out years ago.

The bathroom issue and gluten free diet is really a catch 22. With the diarrhea uncontrolled I have been told that she would probably need skilled nursing or at least a facility with nursing staff 24 hours. Then if we find out the gluten free diet will work, memory care will not take her because of the special diet requirement. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be in memory care if they had special diet requirements for a number of the residents. They would be trading food like we did as kids in the school lunchroom! LOL! The price for a skilled nursing was over $9,000.00 a month! And that was a facility that is non-profit. Unbelieveable!

And naturally we want a facility where both mom and hubby could be together, in different areas. He would need assisted, for now, but I am seeing a drastic change in him over the last couple of months. I wonder if he has had a series of TIAs, drastic changes in memory and cognition, increased incontinence, doesn't even know when he has to go any more. At least it is just urine! They may not be able to be in the same facility, he would have to get transportation of some sort to visit his wife which would be very difficult for him with his mobility issues. Needless to say, he does not like that idea one bit, especially since they are safe, comfortable, well cared for and happy at home. I'm beginning to think this is my own Mission Impossible. I loved that show.

My first real date from this round of online dating (there were other sites in the past, but been on this site for roughly 2 months, I guess) was to be this Thursday, but got a cancellation from the gentleman today. He's too bogged down with work (he explained and all sounds very valid) to meet this week, but we will reschedule soon. I confess I shed a couple of self-pitying tears, lol, but only because, again, its getting my hopes up for something, anything, to move in a positive direction… I just have to be patient… stop being in such a hurry for everything to change NOW, or even SOON. There's nothing I can do about the weather, my dad's medical needs, or my currently jobless/dateless status… except feel sorry for myself and drive myself batty with it all.

My mother always said I threw intense pity parties as a child. I know she's right on that one, unfortunately. Even my ex says I did the "Woe Is Me" thing constantly… and I had a pretty darn cushy and fabulous life before caregiving.

I'm trying. To learn the skills that will make me a better partner to someone in the future, maybe a better parent if I'm so blessed… I wish my life right now weren't so lonely… and difficulties everywhere, with everything, it seems… but apparently, if I am to be honest with myself, I couldn't tell the difference between REAL difficulty and IMAGINED difficulty before, lol. I hope I can carry some graciousness and gratitude, and a "can do" attitude with me into whatever my future life's circumstances are.

(((HUGS))) to you all, hope you had good days.

Kateri things are difficult for you now in the future it will be different-you will meet a good man when you are not expecting it and may want to do online dating -just decide what you will not stand for ahead of time-when caregiving is over you can get into activities that you enjoy and network-everyone knows singles and can't wait to fix people up-work on yourself so you feel confident when it does happen. Share your feelings here many are gong through what you are with no help from the sibs -that happens more often then not-one child is left to pick up all the pieces-if there are support groups in your area join-hospitals and office of the ageing have groups it is so great to meet and talk to others with similar concerns and you may make new friends as I did a lady I met years ago and I are still friends eve though both our husbands have died and she and I both have goo men in our lives and she moved a distance away.. Come back and share doing that saved my sanity and when others make suggestions a least give it a thought .

well I tried and lost a post so will try for a shorter one

glad - nuedextra looks pretty harmless -combination of two things that have been around a while, but makes sense to stay with what works

book my father sang too, I miss that

hi sallie - can you arrange a break - some respite for yourself?

kateri - not selfish to have your own life at all. I had my last child when I was 41. Like alison I tried online dating and after a number of no go's, met my guy - it was instant for both of us. I was 71 then and he is quite a bit younger. It can work. You just have to screen out the troublesome ones.

Alison this cold weather is enough to get anyone down, It is the beginning of March and temps still terrible and with bad wind chill and lots of snow. I don't want to go out either. Hope you get a job, and are able to ease yourself out of caregiving, and detach from the family toxicity. Maybe the date will work out - you never know.

Met mother's psych doc and social worker - both nice but the social worker, having said she will do stuff, is palming things off on me to do. I will do what I reasonably can in my own time frame. They will have to get used to me, not the other way around. I don't jump and ask how high for mother and certainly not for these people. Whether I hand deliver a cheque or they get it in the mail is all the same to them, but not to me. And I am not going out to mail anything till it warms up. Mother brought money in with her, so they do have some if she needs anything. If they had asked me when I was there, I could have given them a cheque then and there, rather than them asking for it the next day. Their bad planning does not constitute an emergency for me. Then I tried to email the social worker to explain that I couldn't find the supplements mother uses, and her email rejected mine, I phoned several times and didn't get her so I have tried. I couldn't even find exactly those supplements on the product web site and, knowing mother, she will only use the exact same ones. Oh well. Mother will stay there while they assess her which is taking time. She is fairly happy now as she is in a new place and people are fussing over her. I am sure that will deteriorate in time, and meanwhile she does not have access to long distance calling. Yay! They will administer the antipsychotic by injection if necessary.

Getting over the stomach flu - trip back was uneventful, slept and ached most of yesterday, but managed to make some hamburger soup. Better today but not much energy. Have several kinds of soup frozen so that will do me for a while.

Have a good evening everyone and do something good for you.

kteri27, you wouldn't be normal if you didn't feel some bitterness here. Yes you made the choice, but it still isn't fair, unfortunately the world is not. I am glad you are at least close to your mother, that helps some. Perhaps after your mom no longer needs you you could become a foster parent? There is always a need there. Not trivializing your feelings, the emptiness echos. You are in my prayers. Hugs.

In a bit of a funk today… its 13 degrees here, 4 inches of snow in past 24 hours and more is predicted. I know many of you are also in areas where you're getting this extra harsh winter this year. I'm just tired of being hopeful for change, and trying to act towards change… Change means I get a job, figure out how to move along from this full time caregiver role… I peruse the job boards at least a couple times per week. There is just very little I see thats close to area I'm in. So that means likely I take a temporary job, something I may previously have been "overqualified" for? And thats fine, I just want to get back to work, and will take just about any position. But now, I'm starting over with getting dad proper medical care. So, now isn't good time to start a new job anyway. And since its not supposed to be above freezing temps for next few weeks, its hard to be proactive about much, and instead just want to stay inside and wait for it to warm up...

I'm just sick of it all: my father that I keep trying to get appropriate medical treatment for although he doesn't seem to even have cognitive wherewithal to understand his own medical needs - or give a rat's patoot about them. I'm tired of living in this isolated area, and this broken down house that I keep cleaning and trying to fix what I can. I'm tired of my family judging me so harshly and incorrectly as to what my character/motivation is, and hurting my feelings. I just want to get away from them and get back to some level of dignified life. And I'm sick of this cold and snow.

Sigh. Just a vent. Thanks for "listening." Hugs.