The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Kateri, the saying " No good deed goes unpunished" has been my motto for a long time. You are a wonderful loving daughter and there will be a special place in heaven for you. I have a similar story, but I won't get into that now. Siblings have every excuse to not help out and in their minds they believe themselves. This helps keep the guilt away. We can sleep at night and know we have done everything we could for our parents. You are still young and there are guys out there who are looking for a caring person such as yourself. Stay strong xx

I think a lot of caregiver's can relate... Please keep the faith and know you're not alone...

Kateri, one day your sister will understand.

The thing is, for years and years, there you were coping, being a good sport, doing everything brilliantly, tra-la-la, everybody happy? And then suddenly your sister (while pregnant and therefore, how can we put it, possibly somewhat focused on her own needs) out of the blue gets an email from you saying "sodding well pull your weight will you, you spoiled little cow?"

She had no idea what you were going through. How could she have had? You were being too brave a soldier for her to see.

So that's why the *hic!* email didn't go down so well. And now is not the time to thrash things out, either. But for one thing, all you've done wrong is not speak up sooner; and for another you've done brilliantly to set it aside for the time being and welcome your baby nephew so generously. The time will come when what you've sacrificed to your parents, and the freedom from worry and guilt you've given to your sisters, will be recognised and appreciated. Especially if you gently, in the fullness of time and over the years, ask for it to be so.

Did your three sisters know you wanted children? Did you know that you did? And do you, so much? - will it be so terrible if you have a lot more money and a lot more sleep than the mummies? I love my children dearly, but I have told my girls that when it comes to their deciding whether they want children… it's okay just to bear in mind that 0 is a nice round number.

Besides, 42 is not actually past it you know. Don't go mad, and turn into one of those ladies who rush off to Italy and find very weird gynaecologists to help them, but if it happens to happen… well, that would be nice. Absolutely exhausting, incredibly expensive - in fact to be honest I think I'd rather have my legs amputated than cope with a primary school age child again - but, if it's what you want, and if you bump into the right chap with the right attitude… well, then. Stranger things have happened.

My dog says 8 is not aged. He says he is in his prime, he'll have you know.

Above all, it is not selfish to want to be free to live your life as you would like to. Wouldn't your mother be the first to tell you that? I am glad for you, and I share your view, that you want to stay with your mother 'til the end of her days; but that doesn't mean you can't have a social life too.

You are 42, not 110. You are employed, solvent, a home owner and since you come from good child-bearing stock I'm guessing you're better than presentable. As the chaps begin to mature and get past the 'younger model' phase (give it another 5-10 years, I should) they prefer ladies who can have a conversation and buy their own car.

You have plenty to look forward to. And remember how nice it is to hand babies back.

Kateri, I've only been full time caregiving to grandmother (now deceased) and dad for 2 1/2 years. Since I'm 39, these years happen to coincide where I should be making decisions about whether or not I will try to have a marriage, and biological children. If I don't try soon, maybe that opportunity will be lost forever. Personally, I've made peace with not having biological children. In this day and age, there is more than one way to be a parent. Almost every single man in my "dating pool" is divorced, with children, and so there is opportunity for me to be involved in a child's life, as a parent, whether or not I gave birth to them. I can't speak for you, and what is in your heart, but there is no reason to assume you cannot seek a relationship even as you are caregiver with self-given responsibilities. I participate in online dating site. It takes some time to adjust to, but its a means to an end. I have a date next week, actually. My expectations are very low but hopes always are high.

My point is, there is a way to seek relationship for yourself, and parenthood, regardless of your situation. I encourage you to look around and see what you CAN do to give yourself a loving relationship, etc.

And come back here and post, so that you know that you have friends who are in same situation you are. It helps to feel camaraderie and support, instead of isolation and depression.

Kateri. Congratulations on your new nephew, what a joyous event for your family.
This has brought to the fore all your own feelings and anxieties for your own future.
You did not bring anything on yourself you made some very unselfish decisions to help your parents and gained a special closeness to them which your other sisters do not have.
As far as marriage is concerned may be it is not in God's plan for you or maybe when you are no longer tied to your parents someone who you may know even now is waiting just around the corner
Do not give up on having your own children. Many women have their first child in their forties. Not the ideal age physically but as you will be more mature you will make a better mother. Have you thought of having a child on your own through a sperm doner or adoption? You have not closed all the doors to future happines even though right now it feels as though you have. Your sister is full of joy today but who knows what the future holds for her. Your best friend, your mother will be called home to the Lord and reunited with your father very soon and that is a huge burden for you to bear but you will grieve her loss and recover because you are a strong woman. How do I know that when I don't even know you. I know because you have been able to lovingly give up so much to care for your parents and today have been able to reach out and ask for help and support which is not an easy thing to do. Please come back often there will be many others here to bring you comfort on this difficult journey. Blessings

My little sister just had a baby today and I am very happy for her and to have a new nephew. I feel bad though that I thought about myself and how all the time I was taking care of my parents, she was able to go and find her husband, go on vacations, move to another city and live her life. Meanwhile, when I wasn't working I was always helping my dad and mom. My dad passed away last Jan. after 10 years after being diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis. My mom doesn't drive so I was always helping with the shopping and errands. My mom's cancer came back a couple of months after my dad passed and it has been constant medical appointments along with chemo. treatments. I have always been supportive of my little sister - letting her stay at my place even when she would go on a drinking binge once breaking a hole in my wall , brought her with me to Hawaii for work, organized her stag and doe for her wedding, gave her a few thousand dollars as a gift for her wedding (pretending that the stag actually made that much), paid for her airfare so she could visit my mom last Sept.

My mom was admitted to the hospital three months ago from chemo complications which made her faint and fall during which she broke her hip. The first month and a half, it was touch and go, at times I stayed up all night at the hospital for fear of her condition and possibly having a heart attack (she suffered two mild ones in the previous years). She is still in the hospital today while they slowly go through different diagnosis with her. (CMV, c-deficile, Ulcerative Colitus)

I got frustrated one night, had too much to drink and sent her an e-mail questioning why she wasn't helping. She, being about 6 months pregnant and sober wrote me back a really nasty e-mail calling me pathetic. I haven't spoken to her since. I have two other sisters but I thought I was closest to her. I sent flowers to her room today welcoming the new baby.

I know I am blessed that I have a house, a good job where I am self-employed and can dictate my own hours but I feel resentment and I know I have to stop feeling this way as it will only make me more depressed. I am 42 and I know the chances of my finding my own love and having any children now are slim if none. After my dad passed, I thought what do I have to look forward to except more death as my mom gets older and even my dog ages(he is 8 yrs. old). My two other sisters at least have children as well.

I think what did I do to myself. Very selfish - I know. I think maybe I should have too just left my parents and gone and lived my life but know that I could never have done that. I will never leave my mom. She is now my best friend but I could never tell her how sometimes I am resentful. My dad would not be happy about me talking like this. I know he would want all of us to get along and be happy.

A part of me understands that this is God's plan for me but I still feel sometimes angry and again resentful or bitter. She gets everything for being selfish and what will I be left with in the years to come?

These are my thoughts. Thank you for listening.

Neudextra does not carry the traditional black box warning about use with dementia patients and death.

Heard about a new drug at a doc's appointment yesterday called Neudextra which was discussed as an option to Seroquel and other antipsychotics. It is supposed to be very effective to deal with sundowning. But, we will continue with Seroquel, it is very effective, and if it's not broke, don't fix it!

When growing up, my father would sing impromptu. He can sing from low to high pitch and it was amazing. He would hear a music he loves on the radio and just join in with his voice. I always envied how he can move from one level to the high shrilling music. For the past few mornings, because he's having insomnia (sleeps all day), he will try to sing himself to sleep. Oh my.... he is soooo out of tune! I felt so sad as I now hear him singing loud, with a warbling or trembling voice. He tries to sing the high pitch and it fails miserably. So sad.....

It's 5pm, and I'm watching Say Yes to the Dress. From the beginning, when this young lady wants to find a wedding dress that day because tomorrow she will be starting her cancer treatment. So emotional. I just started crying as I saw how supportive her family is (most times you see relatives at odds or making disparaging remarks to the bride-to-be "too round" "too fat", etc..) And then Lori found this perfect dress without checking the price to see if it fits their budget of $2000.00. They cannot go over the budget because of her medical bills. They all fell in love it... They asked for the price, heard it was $2650.00. All their faces crumbled. Lori was so bad that she forgot to check the cost before pulling it out of the rack. So, she sold it to them for $1500.00. That's when my tears flowed as the bride and the family started crying. Then the bride went to Lori and gave her a long hug saying that she loves her. Uhhhh... such a heartwarming story!

Taheil, you might also look into ordering on Amazon. As I recall, I got 4oz bottle of pure tea tree oil for only few dollars. Then pay for shipping, of course, but might be way to go if you don't want to head out into snow to go shopping for it.

Oh, taheil, I think I know what you mean. I used to leave my bedroom window open at night, I was afraid to breathe the air from inside the house. That's an awful place to be in, I'm so sorry. The tea tree, from what I've read, is better than bleach. The bleach doesn't really kill the mold, from what I understand. I don't want to be dogmatic here, but I just went through this and really looked into every type of assistance to killing the mold that I could find online. And tea tree oil seems to be the most effective broad-spectrum moldicide. It does have strong smell, but will dissipate after day or two. You can also use it in a diffuser to kill any airborne mold spores. If you can afford it, a good air purifier will help as well. There are a couple of videos on YouTube that deal with recovering from mold in your immediate environment. I think they are worth the watch to start educating you on what your options are, what to expect, etc. The mold in house I am in was hidden between the walls, so I couldn't just go spray it down with tea tree oil. HAD it been visible, with everything I've learned, I would've gone that route to start with. Apparently tea tree oil kills every type of bacteria or fungi out there…? And its not as caustic as bleach.

Alison, I knew that tea tree oil did a lot of good things but not for mold. I went to work for the first time all week of course I did cough but the minute I walked into the house the cough became worse. Its 15 degrees out and I have my bedroom window open so I can breathe. If we weren't suppose to get another 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight I go to the health good store and buy some just so I could breathe. Do you think bleach water might work? Even though bleach has a strong odor I cloud deal with that if it would work. Got to ho gor now my Mother wants in my room. Nite to all and God bless

Hi all. My dad has returned and so has a slightly darker outlook each day on life. Coincidence? No way, lol. BUT… I'll make it. So any chance of continuing job hunt for myself is on hold while I work my father back through VA medical system here. He stopped taking every single prescribed medication… because he ran out of it. I used to fill his pillbox weekly and keep tabs on when it was time to reorder. The VA will ship directly to the house for refills… but he didn't bother to tell anyone he was running low. Had a long discussion with PC doctor today and there will be a trip into the city next week to take him to Urology, get blood drawn, and just start going again from there.

Emjo, I caught the big D from your posts, lol. No, seriously, I think I'm eating so many greens/veggies these days, and taking vitamins again, and sometimes they upset my stomach. My stomach has been threatening me with serious D all day but has yet to produce. I've seriously lived the saying "chit or get off the pot" all day long! I ran out of Zumba class fearing the time had finally arrived, after all the threats, but no, just another warning. Sigh. It may be a bug, but I'm willing to attribute to vitamins at this time. Thanks for being such loving people I can even share my bad potty humor with you

CM, was that you in previous post that gave me the hint my ailment in fingers might be chilblains? I think you are spot on. I'm not used to cold weather so much, and this winter in Chicago has been worse than usual (so I hear), and I think I'm not wearing adequate gloves. My fingers go numb and then I get pain in them… after awhile the pain goes away or just kinda moves around from finger to finger… but VERY tender. I didn't notice the burning or itching so much, simply because the tenderness is so prevalent, but yes, little bit of itchy and warmth. NOT to say it isn't combined with some arthritis coming on since that is a hereditary condition (right?) and is in my family, I know. Anyway, I now know an entirely new medical condition I'd never even heard of before, so thanks for that, CM.

Taheil, I have some experience with living in house that develops mold. Best way to proceed, if you can talk your mother into giving the mold proper attention, is to have environmental testing company, or mold remediation company, come in to tell you exactly what kind of mold you have. There are many different kinds, none good for you, but some extremely bad for you. They can take swab and test it. IF mom will probably not go for the proper remedy to the mold, you can still make your own moldicide (I think that's a word but auto correct on AC doesn't approve) at home using tea tree oil or vinegar. I suggest go straight for the tea tree oil, dilute into a spray, and apply liberally. Tea tree does have strong smell but also great broad-spectrum moldicide. If you would like more direction, I'd be happy to talk more about it with you. I just went through a situation where house I lived in had to undergo mold remediation and I was very sick for some time before the mold was found… did you know some historians attribute the Salem Witch Trials to mold poisoning? They say the people were eating moldy corn, living in moldy houses, and began to hallucinate. I will tell you that I also saw colors, shapes, swirls around me at times… saw many things "out of the corner of my eye" kind of thing… I became so sick I couldn't really function at all - taking a shower was too much, I had to sit in a bath I was too weak. So… my point, the mold can make you very sick. If you can't do proper diagnosis and remediation, do home remedy and look up how to make your own moldicide. : )

Welcome mimi - vent away. It really helps to find others with similar situations and problems. ((((((((hugs))))))) and look after you.

welcome to the club in my family we are all bipolar with ocd. etc etc. This is great I just need to vent out.

Austin Happy Anniversary and may there be many more. Hugs.

Taheil black mold is so bad for anyone's health that I think you should immediately move your Mom to your sisters and find somewhere else to go yourself. Hand over POA and refuse to go back. End of story. Good luck to you.

That is very good of C, Austin. He sounds like a very kind man. Happy one year anniversary!

Jan I am glad you are feeling better-know what you mean about missing your man-Sun is year since I have been dating my honey and could not imagine life without him-h even went out into our freezing weather last night to get wood and bring it over for my son who is having heat problems -that is love.

On the stomach bug front, Imodium is doing its job, thankfully. I have been able to eat with no ill effects so far, but I am terribly tired and my gut is a little sore. These things don't usually last more than a day or two for me. Travelling home tonight and loafing in the hotel till the shuttle gets here. I will take another Imodium or two as the day progresses to be sure I can get home without an accident. Missing my man...

(((((((hugs)))))) Tracy (Taheil) I know you are facing some very difficult decisions and just wanted to let you know that my prayers are with you.

I agree set boundaries decide what is best for you and inform the rest of the family-maybe it is time for placement in a nursing home.

Taheil, you know what? You're heading towards a pretty stark decision to make, by the sound of it. You either a) stay as your mother's primary caregiver and start calling the shots, using your POA when the time comes; or b) you walk. What you can't go on doing, without risking your health and sanity, is look after your mother, put up with your sister, and allow your mother and sister to countermand and undermine you.

As you said, this is your home too. Take charge of it, or find another.

I hear you. To drop the POA, I believe that all you have to do is write a letter to your mum and probably send copies to sibs saying you are not doing it any more or whatever wording suits you. There are sites on the internet that can give you examples. As things stand, your sis has no right to do that, but that is not stopping her and puts you in an impossible situation. I think if I were you, as Jeanne says on one of your other threads, I would step away from it. Your sis is taking over more and more, so let her have it. It is affecting you negatively in several ways. The thing that has changed in my situation is that the health system has pretty well taken charge of my mother. I can OK or veto their decisions, but she is hospitalized and they are making the moves and recognize me as POA so sis cannot interfere. Your mum is probably nowhere near that. Can you get your own place and detach from your toxic family? Ideally you could give them a date that you would leave, so they can arrange the care your mother needs. You are being treated very badly.(((((((hugs))))))

I got the cam and the you know what hit the fan because I have no right to spy on my mother. So took it back to the store. I seriously do not want to do this anymore. I was informed by my sister that she would be going to all mothers dr appt's and if I went I had better keep my mouth shut.

No it is not terrible, it is very understandable. agree with SA, it looks like time to make some changes. Certainly you need to draw some boundaries for your own health. Did you get that web cam? The mold is not good for anyone. Might be an idea to talk to your doctor and your mum's doctor about it. People can give up being POA and I still retain the right to do that if it gets too bad for my health. Are any of your siblings supportive? You mention on your profile that your parents decided that you would be the one to help whoever survived. Seems to me that the final decision should be made by you not by someone else. Since your mother has dementia, it will only get worse, and she will need more care. Have you thought ahead about what that means to you? Please keep your job and your health safe. Make yourself and your needs a priority. It sounds like a very toxic environment for you in more ways than one. Look after you, whatever it takes.

taheil, I feel you, and the answer is no, it's not terrible to love and hate your mom and the same time. I felt the exact same way. But I never liked my mom. I loved her, but I never liked her. Sad.

Honestly, if I were you I'd have completely lost it by now. And I wouldn't hesitate to drop this on your sister since she's clearly so superior and wiser and isn't happy with the job you're doing. By all means, let her have at it. Go on a nice, quiet vacation. It'll do your health a world of good and I bet you'll find that you haven't felt that good in a long time. When care giving starts making you physically ill from stress, anxiety, whatever, changes are in order, imo, asap. Hang in there..

Is it terrible to love and hate your Mother at the same time? Right now I would just as soon dump her on my sisters door step and tell sister to keep her because I'm done with both of you two and your BS.
These two women just won't let up on what it is I'm suppose to be doing for my Mom. I'm the one with the POA, I'm the one who is the caregiver yet they treat me like I'm a second hand citizens sometimes. I'm tired, I'm sick, I have no more vacation time and I've lost 24 hours of sick time. I've lost 20 pounds since October but they still call me fat. My mother turned the furnace up so high this winter she caused all the snow to melt right into the ceiling now we have black mold growing on the ceiling and the paneling is starting to worp. I called the insurance company to find out how much the deductible was and got in trouble from my Mother because that isn't my business.Well crap she wouldn't call them and this is serious. But lets not forget that I live here to. OOP's I think she forgot.
Mold is not good for my asthma nor is it good for Mother either. She has dementia but in total denial long with my sister. Sorry I think I just needed to vent but right now I hate my life.

thx had a great sleep and am craving my home made chicken soup. I actually don't feel sick other than a little tenderness in the tummy area. Peppermint tea will have to do it for now. Pretty mild out so am going to chance it to the grocery store while the Imodium is still acting, buy some more and see if there is something I feel like eating - a few bananas maybe. Tomorrow morning will be the test once it has worn off and I want to have enough on hand to deal with whatever comes. Brandy sounds great but doubt they have it. Sleep is good for me for whatever ails.