The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Joan hope you get better fast -get as much sleep as you are able to get.

Emjo-- get some Black Berry Brandy. An old Irish cure for the Trots.

Oh Emjo watch that big D. It happened to me in the Fall and I spent two weeks in the hospital. never did find out what it was.A little kidney failure then A fib and a pleural effusion were added to the mix then a cardioversion and the last three nights in ICU being monitored while a new drug was started. No pain but it was violent so definitely get the Depends and extra Imodium. Try not to drive if you can help it. that much Imodium makes you very drowsy. Check with the ex and see if he is recovering otherwise plan a trip to the ER if you are still bad. Us tough old birds are getting a bit fragile these days. Hope you feel better but take it easy and get help fast if you have had it three days. i lost 6 pounds in the hosp if that is any comfort.

He said he knew someone who had it for 2 weeks. I trust not for me. You have no idea how close I was to having a major disaster in the hotel lobby. Scary!!! I may buy some depends for the trip home.

Sounds viral, then; and it probably wasn't connected with the ex himself - just floating around waiting to strike. Sleep well, hope it passes off as quickly as it arrived x

Flight too short for meals. Would a glass of water do it? Did ex a favour - he picked me up Monday and we did some business. Next day he told me he had it. I didn't think we had had enough contact for him to pass it on, but I guess I was wrong. Those bugs usually don't last too long for me so I will return tomorrow, hopefully without incident. I think have enough Imodium to see me through. If not the grocery store 1 1/2 blocks away has it and I can pick some up in the morning. This on top of everything else. Temps at home minus 27C (minus 17F) feels like minus 36C (minus 33F) tomorrow with wind chill alerts! All I need!

Did have a lovely supper Tuesday evening with the new friends and we will do it again.

Oh no Emjo, where did that spring from? Dodgy airline meal or something? Virus doing the rounds? Don't forget to drink plenty of water. Wish you better, hope it's over quickly x

The fun doesn't stop, does it?

Sitting in the lobby of the hotel and stomach flu - the big D - hit with a vengeance. It was bad and don't know what I would have done if it had been worse. I cancelled my flight and rescheduled for tomorrow night and rebooked the same room for tonight. Hopefully by then the worse will have passed so to speak. I took two Imodium. Have only taken one before. On one of my rushed trips to the washroom I think someone stole my mouse, as I can't find it, but thankfully not the computer which was out in the open as I was using it.

Think I will have a nap - this is NOT what I had hoped for, but better it hit me there, than on the sky shuttle or the airplane or... or... I can't even imagine how I would have coped.

another oops -my last post should have started "Alison, I see that your dad is back..."

cm - made me laugh -a girlfriend has an engineer husband. She lets him and his engineer buddies try to do certain things with measurements, slide rules etc. and then steps with common sense and gets the job done.

Have a good day everyone! Home tonight!

Alison, does the swelling itch? I'm wondering about chilblains, if your hands are regularly getting cold. They itch, but they also can hurt like billy-o so you wouldn't notice the itching so much.

Brandy you made me laugh with the test results. Reminded me of when we moved into our house. My daughters and my younger daughter's boyfriend helpfully set about reassembling our large dining table - it had had its legs taken off for the move. So there they were, kneeling on the kitchen floor, spanners at the ready, confidently setting about this exciting practical project - what a novelty for two Oxford undergraduates and a medical student, to get their hands dirty for a change.

The removals men had a lad with them, boy of about sixteen, whose job was to make tea, fetch and carry. He paused en route through the kitchen, visibly dithered about whether to speak up, then blurted out "er, you're doing that all wrong." Because he was a kind-hearted lad he even showed them how they had managed to get the legs on back to front, then left them to it. Very quiet little trio they made, too, for the next couple of hours. I never think that sort of lesson does an intellectual type any harm at all.

is back and you are busy again. Hope the appointments go well. Yes, everything is still in the air but we are moving forward - well put. I couldn't find the supplements and neither could the staff where she is. I don't know where she got them, so I will not go back out there, but will mail them a cheque for her in-trust account there for incidentals. Glad the lunch angel touched you too. One impression that remains from it was the warmth between us - not extraordinary, but nice human warmth. G says he met someone who used to see angels regularly and said they looked like ordinary people. The last time she saw them they were sitting n a beam near the ceiling in a new log house, and they told her everything was going to be OK and she never saw them again. Your forays to the gym sounds good. Re the arthritis, hope you see a doc about it - nothing to fool around with. What comes to mind is a lady who told me that who about 6 months after a divorce she got a terrible bout of arthritis, which eventually subsided. She attributed it to stress. I would not be surprised of stress in one form and another has caused this flare up in you. It is another reminder to do what is good for you and put your welfare before that of others. The weight gain can be related to stress too whether it be from the mold and or emotional stress. Have you had a check-up recently?

book - you are a tiny thing and lifting your dad has to take a toll on you. have you been tested for RA? It can be done with a blood test.

Austin - agreed - the test need to be done. I am sorry you have so much arthritis, but glad you have it treated and are not immobilized by it. great that you can still crochet etc.

brandy - some good suggestions. Personally I could care a R*** A** and I don't mean arthritis if my sis comes on here. Would she cause a fuss - probably but she does that anyway and would love to think that she can terrorize me, and tries to. I am not agreeing to being terrorized. I will not give her that much power over me. Last time she tried and asked (demanded) me if I could justify whatever, I told her I had no intention of justifying anything to anyone and she backed down. She is a bully and it sounds like yours is too. The best defense is to not let them alarm you. As Veronica says, what can she do anyway. You can always walk away, hang up or delete the emails. I know it is hard when you have been terrorized from childhood, but you can get past it. "They cannot hurt me any more!" is my mantra.

pst - have seen many in academia -

time for breakfast with my man :)

Brandy If POA is stalking so be it as someone else said snoopers don't hear good of themslves. I would suggest you stop mentioning it and if 1949 is the year of your birth change that. On your profile make it public but put different location age of person you are caring for maybe add an ailment they don't have and a few other mistruths to through sis off the scent. if all hell breaks loose can she actually DO anything to you, Hugs

brandy, There is absolutely no correlation between IQ and common sense. The phone company would hire Summa Cum Laude college graduates who were completely doe-eyed. We would call them "fast trackers" and "all sheepskin but no grey matter" and "Put a set of (climbing) hooks on 'em and we'll see what they're really made of" They were hired instantly as management, whilst us working slobs had to tie their shoes and button their shirts for them every morning.

POA sister might be here b/c she usually wants to feel "above" people. She considers herself above most people. It all started when she was in school and was in 99.9% above the kids in the Iowa Basics tests. She is very computer savvy.

ABB-You need to see a rheumatologist he or she is a specialist who will be able to do the test needed to determine what kind of arthritis you have there are 100 types of arthritis I have 4 types myself-there are great meds available now and arthritis can be controlled-it is scary at first -it does not mean you will be confined to a wheelchair-it may take a while until you find a rheumatologist that you can work with-it took me a while but am doing good being diagnosed 30 yrs. ago.

Sharyn, CHF...I had to google that to find out what it is. Well, your sister needs to figure out what's her priority. Keep the house, continue to work fulltime and have a heart attack.... Or sell the house, move closer to her daughter and watch her spending, find a part-time stressless, job. It's her decision to make.

ABB, I did a quick search on arthritis. I think you need to research more on Rheumatoid arthritis. From reading it, it sounds like my pain once in a while. Sometimes, my finger just suddenly stiffens. Or if I'm walking down the stairs, one of my knees lock. I'm straying.... Below is what I found on the Other symptoms that are not well known for Rheumatoid. Reading it, that's me...down to the chest pain when breathing when I bend too long while changing father's pamper. I get this sharp pain on my upper chest or upper back, the tingling, etc.... I already have arthritis in my neck and shoulders. I have prescription-strength asprin when the pain is too much for me. So for now, what's flaring up often is my neck/shoulder pain.

Other Symptoms
Joint pain is noted as the most common symptom of RA, but it’s not the only one. You may feel chest pain when taking a breath. You also may experience a burning, tingling, or numbing sensation in your hands and feet. Your eyes may be dry, itchy, or burn with discharge.

Was that the arthritis you were researching in online?

Dad is back. Doctor's appointments start Friday, I have to take him back through all his medical clinics/issues as everything has fallen apart with any ongoing medical care. He's just simply stopped taking variety of meds he was prescribed because he ran out. I used to pack his pill box each week and kept tabs if he was running low, but he said he could handle it all. I asked if he felt ok, he seems fine, but will be good to get him into his PCP and give doc a run down of everything. So… starting over with getting him proper care but I've learned by now to do it with minimal headache and maximum results, I hope anyway.

Emjo, sounds like you made headway with regard to your mom's care. You also sound a bit how I feel: the field of possibilities has narrowed and progress made to work towards change, but what exactly is going to happen and when its going to happen is still up in the air. Just have to try and plan a bit for every possibility, I suppose, and keep plugging away. Sorry for the inconsideration that you weren't told ahead of time to bring vitamin supplements. Imo, thats very par for course when dealing with busy medical professionals. Just easier for them to have you run around then for them to prepare full game plan ahead of time.

Oh, and I really liked hearing about your encounter with Lunch Angel. That story and your take on things just has me thinking and thinking about what I DO believe in… I used to believe that Universe would give me little gifts of wisdom and bring me into chance encounters that would be to my overall benefit, if I were receptive with eyes open to the clues given. Then I've been so crabby and negative about any kind of Karma or Benevolent Universe for some time now… just having no use at all to waste my brain space on the possibility of anything positive or loving coming from Above. In fact, I was pretty sure there was nothing good coming from Higher Power. Anyway, just glad you shared the story. Its touching me where I needed to be touched inside my own spirit.

Norest, I hope you can sort some of those issues out. I do know what its like to feel like you and loved one are inside the big old system (medical, social, governmental, agencies upon agencies) and its hard to get to the place where you be in anyway effective for change, positive change. Good luck!!!

Brandywine, I wish like crazy that my family members would stalk my activity on AC! I could tell them stuff that I want to say but have to hold my tongue, lol! I don't understand exactly why you are so fearful you may be tracked on here, but I hope you can at least feel comfortable sharing some level of your struggles related to caregiving, without feeling too potentially exposed?

Went to gym class tonight. Boy am I stiff. And it doesn't help that between Oct and Jan, I added 25-30 pounds to my previously stable 120-125lb weight. Not kidding. I figured it had to have something to do with being in mold environment so long and then out of it? Something changed and my body has had to adjust to it. Just never experienced that kind of quick weight gain. Maybe I'm just hitting that metabolism plateau the rest of the world kept telling me I would, ha! But I'm a small-boned person so that kind of weight gain just makes my body feel very strange to me. I don't really care about the "vanity" part of the weight gain, but will be good to lose a little weight, gain some muscle, and again feel like I have strength to deal with everyday tasks.

Have a question for anyone who experience "arthritis" of any kind: my fingers (not the joints, the soft tissue) are very tender for weeks and weeks now. Not always same finger, different ones. But it hurts to the point that at first I thought I was somehow fracturing the bones, and I have to avoid any use of that finger because its just too sore. Just wanted to know if this might be arthritis symptoms. I always thought arthritis was joint issue, and yes, joints in fingers hurt too, but the tenderness (no swelling) in soft tissue is just really painful and is completely new symptom to me. Could it be I'm getting a little bit of frostbite in this really cold weather? I tried to find cause on online medical boards, I saw nothing. If you have a comment on my newest pain, please share, lol! I'm more curious than concerned at this point.

Wishing all of you out there a peaceful day/night.

Been thinking about the lunch angel. I think it was to remind me what interaction with a normal older person was like, in contrast to what mother has been like all her and my life. Of course, I have known other older people who were great, but I must have needed a reminder at that point. As well, I think it confirmed that mother belongs in a facility with a mental health mandate. You don't make that decision lightly. It also was a nice lunch experience on its own.

brandy - hope you don't have to deal with that, but I agree with norest -I don't think "they" seek out a helping site.

sharyn - I read your sis has been diagnosed with CHF. I am so sorry - more illness in the family, and, I am sure, a shock and a worry to you. I know you don't want to take over her duties. It would help explain some of the way she has been feeling. I don't know what to say but here is a big cyber hug (((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))). It just doesn't end!!!

CM Brandy The ones you describe who don't care probably would not seek out such a helping site".

Brandywine, I've wondered that too - more in a "wow! What if…" way than seriously afraid of its happening. Well, you know what they say: eavesdroppers never hear any good of themselves…

Also, wouldn't it be fascinating if all of our bêtes noires utterly failed to see themselves in our portraits of them?!

I am a little paranoid here thinking that POA sis may be on here and all H*LL would break out if she recognized my postings.

Alison - correction - withOUT you having anything to do with it

having trouble with this laptop again

austin - glad you had your chair - little things can help.

oh goodness, norest - very difficult situation. If she is unable to make decisions for herself who makes the decisions, or is she, as it seems, able to make the decision of how much money to withdraw? The boyfriend doesn't sound great. Yes, it is much harder when several things hit at once.

What a relief to have the room thing sorted out and be able to stay.

Met this morning and hashed some things out including what level of care should mother get ill - nothing extreme. She has been fairly calm, but got paranoid this afternoon and doesn't want anyone to know where she is. They said she also wants to give up being an Anglican and become Catholic, and more stories with a sex theme. They agree that she will likely become more paranoid as she stays there longer. I said I didn't care if she was on the meds or not, as long as her life was manageable, or she was managed by someone other than me. I let them know that the last few months have been very difficult for me and I am having some PTSD. They wondered why she was not diagnosed sooner and I said by whom? She skips from one doctor to another and she has never sought help, as there is nothing wrong with her - it is everyone else's fault, and always has been.
We discussed placement and all are leaning in the direction of a psychiatric facility with properly trained staff. They have not ruled out her present ALF entirely, as once on meds she may be calm and want to return, so we will leave it in tact for now. Meanwhile Gary and I will start making plans of how to dispose of most of her stuff because that time will come –I suspect sooner than later. They also mentioned that the personal directive (medical POA) was not activated and if it was, which it might be very soon, would I still be willing to be her agent. After some thought, I said yes. They also said if the point came where I didn't want to be any more to tell them and write a letter and that would get me out of the medical part and it would go by default to my sister. They asked if I wanted to see her and I said no, and that I had to stay at arm’s length, as these past few months have done harm to me. So that is where we left it.

Then I had a call an hour later asking me to pick up some of her vitamin supplements and drop them off, and also give them a cheque for money in trust for incidentals. Would have been nice if they could have let me know sooner and I could have brought them out with me. It is a $25 cab ride one way. So I will shop for supplements tomorrow, get the stuff out there and meet with mother’s financial advisor in the afternoon. Busy enough and things are getting sorted out. Dinner tonight will be a diversion.

Thanks so much for all your support.

Sharynmarie.... it is a non profit organization who was" payee" for her. Legally they could not keep her from her money. Her boyfriend was manipulating her to get money from this agency. Though they would try and persuade her to ask for less the boyfriend would coerce her for more. She is unable to make decisions for herself...... thank you! Its when many things hit at once its really hard to deal with!

Norestforweary-i hope the person who did this is held accountable.

Sharynmarie....Thanks for your words.....just got off phone with her case worker..... my new mission in life is to make good of this bad situation. To try and see what agencies can help her..... and to try and prevent this from happening to even 1 more person. Also to harass anyone who doesnot return my calls until they do. Squeaky wheel gets the grease!

Welcome DiLynn, I hope you can get another caregiver that you and your mother like as well as the other one. Come back when you are ready.
Norestforweary~That is so sad what happened to your sister. Now what, is she being taken care of somewhere? I pray things settle down for you soon.
Joan~That is too bad about the reservations, an inconvenience for sure. The health professionals may not suggest your mom go back to the ALF as they continue to treat her and see how difficult she can be. I hope you go to dinner with your friends, a night to relax without thinking about your mother.

I watered the flowerbeds at mom's house Saturday. It has been very warm here, 65-70 during the day, very unusual for this time of year. My sister called me Friday. I tried to call her Saturday when I discovered the toilet in the front bathroom is not flushing. Sis tuned off the water to the toilet in the master bath as it was running constantly so I don't know if it affected the other bath as well. Sis didn't answer the phone (no surprise) so I sent her an email. She responded this morning saying she was having shortness of breath all weekend and spent Monday at Kaiser getting tests run. She has been diagnosed with CHF. I don't know what this means for her future, but I am trying to not dwell on it as she is going to have to make some decisions.

Praying for a peaceful out come for everyone and enjoy the small moments of beauty, rest and laughter.

Pockets of peace-I did that -not knowing what it was I was trying to do when caring for the husband-I got a nice sitting chair into my bedroom and put a ptrtty cover on it for a place to be away from his bellowing for a while-it made me feel comfort even though it was very simple-I think we all need pockets of peace.

Emjo, It sure seems like it would be best for her to be in a setting where people can handle her best. The psychiatric hospital you mentioned seems the best place where she can be handled properly. Is that an option? You are in my prayers.