notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
veronica - thanks, but there is no fear of me being incapacitated. I will cut her out before that happens. I do have some health issues but they are not that serious and what I have is pretty much control, though certainly they are exacerbated by stress, as is every illness. Even a couple of weeks without phone calls is doing me a world of good and shows me that if they start again I have to do something like changing my phone number or blocking mother's.
Re the ALF and returning there, as far as I can see injections are the only answer, and they would have to be administered by the mental health nurse. The only way it might work is if mother has been on them for a few weeks before she is released, as she would be calmer. Even that may not work. I am leaning more and more towards the psych facility, as we do not know what lies ahead.
Re decisions - the health system is really in charge of those unless I protest or don't cooperate. They have certified her. Truly, they are making the choices with my input and looking for my agreement/cooperation. Sis does not even know what is happening and I will keep it that way as far as I am able. Eventually she will find out and I will deal with it then.
I am not sure we will make many decisions today, but rather, perhaps, look at what are reasonable directions to go in. They will not do the psychological testing until she has been on the drug for some time, as they say her present condition will influence the tests negatively. I suppose the alternative to not taking the drug is to live in a psych facility the rest of her life, which may be the outcome anyway. If she is on the drug she will not be living with fear. If she is not on the drug she will be troubled by the bizarre thoughts and living with fear.
The choices aren't great, but that is not unusual as people age.
Thanks for the support, everyone ((((((((((hugs)))))))) I will check in later.
Maybe if you can put this woman in mothers body it would help. No that's not right she came to tell you that mother can't be changed and you have to deal with this person in your mothers body as if you did not have a connection, just a responsibility to make the best decisions for her welfare with the expert advise that is currently available to you. I am just writing my thoughts here as they come out but I think that spiritual guardian was very powerful.
Now better thought out Mom can't return to the ALF without behaviour modification.
Mom won't take the drugs.
ALF, and I am making an assumption here, can't forcibly administer the meds.
Mom is smater than all the staff put together so tricks won't work.
Do they have a 300 lb former wrestler on staff to hold her down while someone pours them down her throat while she coughs and chokes.
Likewise can same wrestler hold her down while someone gives them to her by injection.
Is she going to be happy in that environment/
Is the ALF prepared to do that?
The mentally ill have extreme strength when challenged.
Your mother is very fit for almost 102 but even a few arm wrestlings will probably break a few bones.
i have no experience of psychiatric facilities but I am sure they have a tried and true method of restraint that causes minimal trauma. Once the drugs are working it will be easier but still beyond the scope of ALF staff because she is never going to accept this voluntarily.
So what is the answer?
You tell me.
What are your goals for your mother?
Set things in motion now.
You have so many health problems that I would hate to hear that Mom was still going strong and you were totally incapacitated or worse.
If you can't direct the orchestra what decisions will sis make?
That spirit came to tell you to make the decisions however hard thay may be to ensure the only future possible for Mom and set them in stone to the best of your ability.
i wish you a pocket of peace when you make these decision either today or after you have had a chance to weigh the consequences not only to mother but yourself and your future with Gary. You are right courts deal with the law not justice. I have to point this out next time hubby starts a rant about injustice and harsh sentences.
i will be thinking about you this morning and looking for your report if you have the strength this afternoon.
Cruise - in March, Bahamas, a top hotel there and Florida - that's all I know. Gary plays his cards close to his chest. We have so little time together these days, there are more important things to talk about, or just the need to have some normal quiet time together. The horse case is today and he is fearing losing most of them, which I think is unlikely, but I understand his fear. Courts deal in legalities, not justice.
Life is not easy is it? Hence my penchant for relying on "pockets of peace" for a break. (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) and wishes for many pockets of peace for you as you figure your life out. I know you still have feelings for your partner.
When I visited mother's ALF, they said there would be conditions if she is to return i.e. she would have to take her meds. There is no way she would last in any "normal" facility without taking her meds. Part of me thinks that she would be better off in a psych facility with staff who can deal with her. This may well get worse - it certainly has been - and whether the meds can "fix" it and continue to "fix" it is a question to which we don't have the answer.
On the bright side, I found a cute pair of Italian shoes, wedgies with straps, not too high and very comfortable, in a nice marine blue, and on sale for less than $20. As well, finally, got a new purse and have transferred everything. The other one was literally falling apart.
Also, on the bright side, I think I had lunch with an angel. I went to the food court in the mall, following visiting the ALF, and after I had started to eat a sprightly older lady, in her 90s I would say, came right over and asked if she could sit with me while she waited for her order. We smiled and talked about this and that, nothing heavy, but there was a warmth between us. I asked if she was from the ALF ( it s connected to this mall) and she nodded. We talked about the weather, the ALF, the food at the food court and so on, and as we were talking I realised that that was the kind of interaction I very much would have liked from my mother. In a way, she reminded me of my aunt in my father's side - not in looks, but in temperament. As I finished my meal, she got up, I thought to get her order from the place behind us. I turned to wave goodbye to her and there was no old lady in sight anywhere and no where she could possible have gone that quickly. I teared up, of course, and wished I had my sunglasses on. It was a little cameo of what lunch with a normal mother and daughter could be, a small gift, but bittersweet...
Have a good day everyone and do something good for you!
Tried mind-mapping options about where we go from here - usually mind maps work pretty well for me - but in ten minutes I ended up with a picture of spaghetti on speed. Too many unknowns. I just can't see where to start with my preferred flow diagram type decision making process. End up feeling sick with anxiety. And hard done by! - which really doesn't help.
Oooooo dear deep breaths. Need to get mother ready for a trip to x-ray, smiley smiley no sense in getting her stressed out too.
How are plans for the cruise going, I keep forgetting to ask?
Sharyn backing off sounds like a good idea - get some perspective. I don't think you are shallow. I have the same feeling about me and sis and always have - very superficial
DiLynn - sounds like you are finding solutions. I am finding that having "the system" involved is helping with my mother.
((((((((((norest))))))))) that is a severe blow indeed. Hopefully there are some community resources for your sister. It must be quite a worry to you. I gather no action is being taken with your sil. I hope she has stopped taking stuff. Narcissists are so difficult to deal with. I am so sorry that this is causing problems between you and your husband. Would counselling or mediation help? Family matters, especially when there is serious dysfunction, can be terribly painful. I think of the Serenity Prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Deep breaths (((((((((((hugs))))))))) to you
ccg - welcome - vent away! It does sound like you need more control over finances. I too wonder why she is with you and not your sis. Some people are negative - no matter what you do for them, they complain. It seems they enjoy their misery. (((((hugs)))))
cm - good to see you around. Is the house sale in the offing?
I learned an agency who was supposed to be monitoring finances for my disabled sister, has allowed an incompetant person to blow through $92,000 in 2 years...... she could potentially now become homeless.
I am feeling a huge sense of loss...not really a meltdown, a loss.. have had too many.
Thanks!
And yes, I will have to have another conversation with mom where I put my foot down. It has helped in the past. I think I would miss her if I put her in AL just now. She can still get up to let our cat inside. It gives her a purpose.
I am having her sign the paperwork even though I can. It will let her know I'm working on it. But nothing will be put in place by the next time I work W-F, guess she'll just have to suck it up.
Hugs to everyone!!
Alison, you have healthy thinking...not your family. This is what happens in most cases when one leaves the nest as you did moving to California. You experienced reality by getting away from your family. Then moving back...you experienced family members who are still stuck in the dysfunction playing the designated roles assigned by your parents. This is where my sister is still at..she is special, she is in need by my mother so everyone else suffers because as long as my mother is needed by someone...she is important. As long as my sister is getting this need of importance fed my by mother...my sister is important too. It is like a parasitic relationship that is symbiotic. A parasite feeds such as mistletoe does on a tree...we use it as a Christmas festive tradition but the mistletoe is really killing the tree. Because my mother and sister never got along...my mother named her as the person in charge (an honor..to buy sister's love) sis feeds off this because she has always felt she could never do enough to honor our mother. I am not saying that I should be in charge ( I don't want to be)...I gave up long ago trying to get our mother's approval...sis has not given up. Our mom knows this about me and my sister. A symbiotic dysfunctional relationship that I want no part of.
Juddha and Alison - they certainly aren't there for you and probably never were.
I know the distortions well - the distorted views of relationships and individuals that I see you are grieving and that is what you need to do as well as detaching. I have said for years that my mother and my sister don't know me - they make me up to be what they need me to be, in their unhealthy minds.
Yes, Juddha - like many of us - you have been emotionally abandoned - probably some time ago. Facing that they no longer have the choice takes it to another level of pain
Alison - detaching has to be emotional and mental, and can also be geographical. You have to do the work of the heart to get to that safe place within yourself. It is work and hard work.
The labels - like selfish - can be another projection, and also are a way of attacking you to put you on the defensive so they can manipulate you easier.
Thinking about healthy relationships with unhealthy people. I don't think you can have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. A relationship depends on both people and if one is unhealthy they will bring unhealthy aspects into the relationship. No matter how healthy I am, my relationship with my mother is unhealthy (toxic) because she is a mentally unhealthy person. My question is "Can I stay healthy when in a relationship with an unhealthy person?" If I am careful to keep my boundaries and practice detachment at least, I may be able to, but always there will be stress. I find I have to detach and withdraw periodically to recover, so it is not a normal relationship in any sense. It is like having a ripe apple and a rotten apple and putting them together. If they are too close the ripe one will start rotting. Maybe not the best analogue...
norest - I am sorry you are having a meltdown - can you share more? would it help to vent the details? In any case (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Self acceptance is so important. On my profile these days...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She offered kindness and patience to everyone but herself. She decided to give herself the gift of treating herself as she would someone she loved very much. It was about time. – Queenisms™
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arrived at the hotel to find that I had booked the room for the wrong city - darn website options. They got me in for two nights, and Wednesday but Tuesday I may be out of luck. They said to check Tuesday morning for cancellations, so say a prayer for me. Oh well! If need be I will probably be able to camp in mother's apartment. She is not using it. But I hate having to pack up for one night and that's the night I am having dinner with my new friends.
Take care all and do something good for you. I am going to hit the hot tub tomorrow.
Juddha and Alison - they certainly aren't there for you and probably never were.
I know the distortions well - the distorted views of relationships and individuals I see that you guys are grieving and that is what you need to do as well as detaching. I have said for years that my mother and my sister don't know me - they make me up to be what they need me to be in their unhealthy minds.
Yes, Juddha - like many of us - you have been emotionally abandoned - probably some time ago. Facing that they no longer have the choice takes it to another level of pain
Alison - detaching has to be emotional and mental, and can also be geographical. You have to do the work of the heart to get to that safe place within yourself. It is work and hard work.
The labels - like selfish can be another projection, and also are a way of attacking you to put you on the defensive so they can manipulate you easier.
Thinking about healthy relationships with unhealthy people. I don't think you can have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. A relationship depends on both people and if one is unhealthy they will bring unhealthy aspects into the relationship[. No matter how healthy I am, my relationship with my mother is unhealthy (toxic) because she is a mentally unhealthy person. My question is "Can I stay healthy when in a relationship with an unhealthy person?" If I am careful to keep my boundaries and practice detachment at least, I may be able to, but there always will be stress. I find I have to detach and withdraw periodically to recover, so it is not a normal relationship in any sense. It is like having a ripe apple and a rotten apple and putting them together. If they are too close the ripe one will start rotting. Maybe not the best analogue...
norest - I am sorry you are having a meltdown - can you share more? would it help to vent the details? In any case (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Self acceptance is so important. On my profile these days...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She offered kindness and patience to everyone but herself. She decided to give herself the gift of treating herself as she would someone she loved very much. It was about time. – Queenisms™
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arrived at the hotel to find that I had booked the room for the wrong city - darn website options. They got me in for two nights, and Wednesday but Tuesday I may be out of luck. They said to check Tuesday morning for cancellations. Oh well! If need be I will probably be able to camp in mother's apartment. She is not using it. But I hate having to pack up for one night and that's the night I am having dinner with my new friends.
Take care all and do something good for you. I am going to hit the hot tub tomorrow.
I don't splurge on much at all these days, but saw a little wall hanging in Menards the other day on clearance - "Keep Calm and Carry On." I stuck that sucker on the kitchen wall here. Now, if I would just read it and comply. : ) (((hugs)))