The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thank you All for your support guys, I did feel bad for not being more sympathetic to hubby"s SIL when she called with the news that his Brother was doing so poorly, but the manner in which she spoke to me (so gruffly!), and her expectation that hubby would just jump right on a plane to go see him honestly made me feel suspicious that there was "something else" afoot, as she was so cold and abrasive, granted she must have been under a lot of pressure and her feelings all over the place.

So far, hubby seems to be doing OK with his grieving, and mostly what he is saying is that it so strange to think he is no longer "of this earth", but mainly he isn't speaking of his brother much at all. Except for our kids and grandkids, he only has but one other cousin and his step-sister still alive, as his was a very small (and Dysfunctional) family to begin with, and that is what is registering in his mind at the present, compared to my very close-knit and ever-growing family.

He did call his brother's wife yesterday to check on her, and she told him that his Brother was cremated, and she would have his ashes back soon, but no mention of any services. He asked her if she had plans to move back to where her kids are, but she plans to stay put, so she doesn't seem to be real close to her family either, they have no family in Bullhead City Az.

I did text BIL's ex-wife, the one (remember that he had been married about 9 times that I can figure! Lol) whom he has 2 daughters with, as hubby felt it important that they know their Dad had passed, and I received a msg back thanking us for the info. She was pizzed that they hadn't reached out when he was first put on Hospice, so they could have had the chance to say their goodbyes, but she wasn't surprised either, he was never a good Father to them by a long shot, in fact had never participated in their lives whatsoever, so hard to think that he was like that, the exact opposite of my husband and his relationship with our kids. It's hard to believe that they are even related, they are so incredibly different from one another, yet were only 10 months apart in age, I mean, how does this happen? BIL also had a Son from a teenage relationship, but I don't have any contact information for him, ironically he is a registered sex offender, I can't make this stuff up!

Interesting note, my husband's ex-wife called the other night, saying that she saw on the news that his brother's youngest daughter (38) on Washington's Most Wanted (now captured)!! Apparently she was sentenced to 7 1/2 years in prison, and the judge let her off for 2 weeks to tie up any personal business that she had, but that she didn't report in on the day she was suppose to. She had 7 felonies convictions, including a home burglary, and she had been caught driving a stolen car and had a large amount of crack cocaine on her with baggies, so "intent to sell", Wowza! I looked it up online, and yup, there she was in all her glory!

They caught her hiding under a house! She now is imprisoned with additional charges, so the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree! It is sad, because kids who never feel love from a parent so often grow up seeking attention in any way possible, she apparently sought the very bad type of attention, interesting though, BIL's other daughter is a pretty nice gal who I met when she sought out her grandparents (my inlaws) when she was an adult (the girls grew up in the eastern part of Washington and neither of their parents kept up the child/grandparent relationship for them so who knows, kind of a weird parallel, 2 brother/2 sisters, huh?

Well I'm off to do a bit more Christmas shopping, Ugh! I'm getting there, and I've wised up and now use those cinch-tie mylar Christmas wrapping bags, they are the nutz!

Thanks for listening to my ongoing saga, LOL! Love to you all!

Golden, I hear that. My family could carve you up too. They can be truly very mean. I've never been able to figure where that came from cause my mom who brought us up was an angel. I never knew my Dad. Maybe it came from his side of the family.

Me too, Golden, reflecting on my dysfunctional family as well. Their words and actions do cut, for sure.

As soon as mom's estate is closed, I will have no reason nor desire for contact with my sister again. I haven't cried a lot since mom passed, but felt a deep sense of sadness when cleaning out her house and going through family photos, etc. I guess still wishing that things could have been different. She was so unhappy for most of her life, and our family had what seemed like this black cloud over it because of all of the narcissistic and dysfunctional behavior. Even growing up, I always had a feeling of anxiety, and feeling like things weren't "normal" but didn't realize why until many years later.

Then, when my oldest daughter was 16, she started rebelling and going through her own troubles, and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and for the past 5 years (she's now 21) our relationship hasn't been the same, partly because of dysfunctional family members enabling her rather than encouraging her to seek the help she needs, and even trying to get in my way and sabotaging the process when I was getting her help. Basically, I would set limits and my family would run all over them, making me the 'bad' guy for not letting her get her way all the time, and not allowing her to continue destroying herself.

Earlier this year, my daughter and I had begun talking and bonding again, then out of nowhere I started getting hateful messages from her again. I have a feeling my sister put the kibosh on any bonding we were trying to do. My sister was letting my daughter (who doesn't have a license) use her car, was taking her shopping, buying her things I couldn't afford, etc. Now my daughter posts on Facebook calling my sister "mom". My sister has never been a part of raising my daughter, but she establishes herself now as a parental figure because she knows there are things as a parent that I won't put up with. Sad that my daughter is being used as a pawn but doesn't even know it. It makes me sad and angry at the same time. My daughter knows I love her and that's all I can really do besides pray about it.

It feels lonely at times, but I am glad I'm not in the middle of their mess anymore.

One year having passed since mother died, I find I am reflecting on my dysfun fam.

Of note is something said recently by my dd.

"Bestemor (grandmother in Norwegian) could carve you up in 6 words."

Indeed, and she frequently did to her family members. Usually it was more than 6 words. Her aim was very accurate, her energy intense, and her ammunition endless.

stacey (((((((((((hugs)))))))). You told your truth - nothing wrong with that. You and your hub had more than enough guff from his bro. The timing was bad but, hey, that's OK. Glad to hear you are not planning on going to a funeral if there is one, You and your hubs may feel some relief that this charade is finally over, That's OK too.

Prayers for all to get through their stresses. Deep breaths, be kind to yourself, have faith it will work out.

Sorry for your loss Stacy 💐
and condolences to your hubs.

There is no shame in protecting yourself from a toxic relationship.
Bil's passing does not make your assessment to stay away wrong.
That instant regret and guilt should fly out the window in a few days, so don't hold onto it, let it go sooner.

Stacey, just HUGS.

Stacey it's always embarrassing when somebody calls your bluff like that and catches you out :/ - but no worse than the villagers must have felt about the boy who cried wolf.

It is not your husband's fault, and it is definitely not your fault! - that your BIL destroyed his relationships with the people who would have cared for him if he hadn't made it impossible. May he rest in peace.

Stacy - (((big hugs))) There’s no reason to regret your low opinion of hubby’s brother.

He was a fraudster and a narcissist. He intentionally caused strife; then played the victim. When he wasn’t deceiving his family, he was ghosting his family.

He earned his legacy.

The wife loves drama, too. If she has the internet, she probably could have tracked down (a minimum of) one sibling on her own. But calling the police allowed her to
✅ amp up the drama
✅ avoid the uncomfortable task of telling y’all herself

Hang in there, Stacy. It’s OK to be a truth-teller. (In fact, the world needs more of them! 😉) Be present for your husband, and go easy on yourself. Feelings will be all over the place. It is what it is.

Hi all. I have so little free time anymore so I almost never write posts. I just wanted to let you know, I do pop in to read when I can. I miss you and think about you all quite often. I wish everyone well during the holiday season. Maybe over the Christmas beak I'll get a chance to post. Till then take care.

DDuck, thanks for the well-wishes. We cannot Control the oncology results, just have to take it in stride. I keep thinking of how painful it was going back and forth to hospital for his two back to back surgeries a year ago. What I learned was that Medicare cares not for the sick, elderly spouse, only expects, no, demands, sick, elderly spouses do the caretaking after the fast hospital discharges. I was in so much pain, I could barely make my way from off street parking to the hospital twice daily,, then through the hospital to his room. The pain for me was excruciating, with several joints needing replaced. The nurses were actually pulling strings to get me a meal tray now and then, as I could not physically walk to the hospital cafeteria for my own food, using cane, wearing oxygen. I keep telling the orthopod people I have to get these joint replacements pushed through, before spouse has another medical crisis. It’s like talking with a wall. As long as it’s not their pain, these doctors and nurses are clueless as far as how difficult it is for a sick person to be a caretaker.
Hoping next week’s knee surgeon visit isn’t met with resistance to do only an osteotomy, or injections, or only partial knee replacements. I’m not going to be one of those people who has to go back in a year later due to failure of a lesser procedure. I refuse. One and done is the only acceptable option, for my joints. Plus, surgery takes me out of commission, can’t take care of house, yard, pets, when laying in excruciating pain. Hopefully the surgeon won’t be causing another round of severe muscle and nerve pain this time.

Stacey I don't mean to sound harsh but just because someone dies that doesn't negate the bad will they caused people around them when they were on the earth and the surviving family members, i.e. your husband shouldn't feel guilty either.

You have nothing to feel bad about either in my opinion.

Ah Stacey, I can't see how your husband could have done things differently considering all the times BIL cried wolf, and it sounds as though the dysfunction is still carrying on with his wife/widow. Perhaps soon you will both be able to put it all in the past.

Well, I now feel very bad for the things that I wrote in my last post, as we just got word that my husband's brother passed away a couple of days ago.

My husband's sister called to notify us, it ssems their SIL did not have any contact information for her, so she sent the police to her home to notify her that he had passed, but his brother's wife has not yet called us.

It's very hard to feel that you always think the worst of some people, but my husband's brother has always been one of those people, but I was wrong about things this time and I do feel badly about it.

We have not been given any information regarding any memorial service, but we did send off a sympathy card and flowers, it is a awkward situation as my husband doesn't know this SIL, having only met her the one time, and for only 5 minutes time, so we will not plan on attending if there is one.

My husband seems to be doing OK, he has never had a warm and fuzzy relationship with him, and he is the type who keeps his feelings close to the vest, so he is quietly reflecting on how things have gone on between them in the past couple of years since their Dad passed away, but I have been reminding him that he did everything he could do to mend their relationship, and that he should at least feel good about that.

I am sorry for those of you who are struggling with family relationships, it's never easy with dysfunction families, but the holiday make it that much more difficult.

Send, I pray that you sister does well with her cancer treatment!

For everyone dealing with physical ailments, take care of you and don't push too hard over Christmastime, stay warm and enjoy the real reason for the season! Happy Holidays! 🎅🤶👰🌲🍭🥂🎄🎁🛫✈🛬🌨❄❄☃️⛄🔔🎵🎶📷📮🇨🇦🇬🇧🇺🇸🇳🇴❤❤❤👬👭

I like it! Like she slithers out of responsibility? Like other *teflon* siblings out there. Slides right off.

Or like just SO low?

I was just writing a book on the recent developements in my family dysfunction.

I will just sum it all up by sharing my new name for my sister - Slither.

I hope everyone is well and in good spirits. I will be off for a few days.

Rays of love peace and healing to all,
Sleep tight.

Greetings!!!

Girlsaylor, I pray all goes well with your husband and also your referrals.

Send, so sorry to hear about your sister, you are both in my prayers.

Send help-
Bummer on the husband having such a wrecked day. Hope he stays well. Some of us always get sick if caught in rain, if it’s cold out.
Since my PT is same building as the surgical consult, It’s just a walk across the lobby to check in at the front desk. I’ve found if I arrive 15-30 minutes early for PT, he usually can start me before the actual PT appointment. So, I should be fine. Late afternoon, I expect the surgeon to be running more than a little behind schedule, anyhow.
hubs will drive himself to the oncologist. Hoping he gets along well. I never seem to be available to go with him to those important appointments. Rescheduling is something we avoid, at all costs, as waits to get in to specialists run 3-5 months here. Don’t ever want to have cancer follow up delayed. And I’m determined I’m ceasing always delaying my own healthcare to take care of hubs. We both still drive, have two vehicles. And, I’ve been pulling back on going with him to so many appointments. Trying to get him to take an interest in his own health, not rely on me for things he is able to do for himself. Sometimes successful, sometimes, not so much.
I so understand stubborn!

Thank you MsMadge.
I hope I get to hear something soon.

Send

hope your sister is tolerating treatment as much as can be expected - lymphoma is treatable and I know of several survivors

MsM

GirlSaylor,
Yesterday my hubs was due at work, and on his own scheduled a doctor's visit an hour and 1/2 before work. I knew better, but tried again to accommodate him.
We both failed miserably.

He ended up walking to work in the rain (#3 poor decision), was late for both the appointment (#1), and work (#2).

In his OCD wisdom, it was too much driving if I should pick him up at the doctor's and drive him to work. So, no, he would do it on his own. = LATE, Late.

His cell phone became inoperable (so he could not call Uber), and his shoe laces broke while walking to work.

Lesson: Never schedule more than one thing a day. We are in charge of the appointments, not necessarily only the doctors. imo.

Can you reschedule?

NHWM:
Thank you for the kind words - much appreciated! I was a bit hurt by her calling us names, but also thought it was funny at the same time. She called at 4pm (very late for her) to wish me a happy birthday (with an air like nothing happened yesterday).

It seems a lot of the situations I’ve read on this site is also what I’m experiencing with Mom. I’m soo glad to read about your experience as a caregiver, along with many others on this site. I feel more empowered and able to better handle her antics.

Expect to have a convo with the social worker Monday. Mom has two more approved nursing visits and a few more PT sessions. Besides the ranting about her car keys, Mom said her local drug store is confused about the refill created by them for her diabetes meds. She thinks she got NEW meds from hospital at discharge. Not true - no new meds at ALL. Drug store says she needs a refill, but the reality is that she didn’t take those meds for a while because large bottle is half full of large white pills . . .

After approved sessions of nursing and PT have been completed, I guess all will meet to discuss Mom’s progress? Maybe then they will recommend she shouldn’t be at home living alone - we will see.....

Thanks so much for the Happy Birthday wishes and the song! I love the fanfare and it brought a smile to my face (I love emoticons).

Good evening to my friends here. I see so many struggling with health issues, plus the difficulties with relatives, caregiving, legal hoops. I hope all here can carve out some personal time, even with all the demands we have.

Yesterday I got a call to schedule consult for my knees. The hip surgeon, while very skilled, referred me to another surgeon in the same practice. Guess having complications and wrecking his stats made him mad. It’s okay, I’m not wanting a surgeon who won’t even come into the hospital room to discuss any issues I’m having while in hospital. I don’t expect hand holding, but I do expect the doctor to listen to any concerns I have, while I’m laying in the hospital bed. I was hoping he might refer me to a different practice. I have checked out the surgeon who is taking over on my knees, and he is supposed to be equally good. Bracing myself for what comes next. I’m wanting to get the left knee replacement next, as cortisone injection into the knee did nothing. Failed joints don’t get cured, only option is replacement. I won’t allow a partial knee replacement, nor will I submit to an osteotomy. Too many times, they don’t do any good and you end up with the total joint replacement shortly thereafter anyhow.
Hubs has his lung cancer CT coming up, and follow up with the oncologist same day I see knee surgeon. Fun for us. I have PT before the consult as well. Next week I have post op follow up with the surgeon who replaced my right hip. Too many dang doctor appointments! At 67, I feel my health is so not good, at a time when many people still enjoy good health and retirement. I sure didn’t get the good genetics here. But then, a lot of us here are battling the aches and pains of aging bodies. Such is life.
Rest easy tonight, my friends.

Riverdale,

It is not something that gets better in time. The pain keeps getting worse. My husband ended up in so much pain that he agreed to the surgery. His doctor also did surgery on me years before his surgery, after I had my accident and is excellent with wonderful bedside manner.

Can you explore a little more to see if you can find another doctor in a neighboring city? Or would that be too much trouble? You will have follow up appointments but it is mainly lots of physical therapy. My husband even had a special chair that was delivered after physical therapy ended to do more exercises at home. That surgery is a tough one. It really is. You are pretty much out of commission afterwards so you won't be able to hold the grandbaby for awhile.

My husband was one who was always lifting our girls, nieces and nephews too. He always had them up on his shoulders to see at the parades during Mardi Gras or this or that. My girls were daddy's girls and they were not overweight kids but still it's a lot of lifting. I teased him before his surgery saying that he needed shoulder surgery from holding the girls for hours for every parade that we attended!

NHWM, I have had an MRI on worst shoulder and it doesn't look good to put it mildly. This same doctor did my husband's knee surgery which is OK but not great. We ran into someone who had the rotator cuff surgery and he said he researched many local doctors and this one had the best reputation. He was recovering well but he is much younger. I think you are aware of my other issues such as ongoing jaw. Also at the end of January my husband is having prostrate surgery so I can't take anything else on. I also don't like the bedside manner of the previous mentioned doctor so with all that I am just going to wait and do my best not to aggravate it but it wakes me up at night such as now after I was asleep. I do have less stress since selling a house so although we have these ongoing ailments I don't have that worry. Thanks for your concern. You have been so active replying to so many.

Riverdale,

My husband had that surgery on both shoulders. He is the type to only go to the doctor if absolutely necessary. He doesn’t go for regular check ups which drives me crazy.

The pain became so bad he had to go to the orthopedic doctor. The surgery is tough. Recovery is brutal. Lots of physical therapy. I feel for you. Go see an orthopedic doctor.

Best wishes to you. Hugs!

I have rotator cuff issues. Worse in one arm. Surgeon mentioned possible shoulder replacement however with my jaw issues and my husband's upcoming prostrate surgery I simply can't take that on. I wear lidocaine patches alot. Lifting my 20 month grandson last week when we had him for a week set me back but when he lifted his arms up I couldn't refuse. I would be interested in hearing about that surgery. The recovery is so difficult.

Gershun - kitties are the best!

Golden isn't it great when our kitties show concern for us. My one cat is like that. I remember one night I was watching this show where this Hollywood actress had to get her dog put down. It was so sad and I was bawling. I went into the bathroom to get some t p to blow my nose with and I hear this little thump. My cat had jumped off of his perch on the sofa pillow and wandered into the bathroom looking all concerned. Bless his little heart. Sometimes when I'm in the bathroom doing my business he puts his front paws on my knees and reaches up with his head and gives me a big cheek rub. Sigh.............who needs a man when you have cat love.

a drive by - still recovering from the gut bug that is going around. Hopefully that's it for a while. I'm tired of this!!!

The good news is that the bank finally released mother's funds to the lawyer. (Am I repeating myself?) So now to get her next-to-final taxes done. There are a couple of small outstanding issues to be dealt with but the tax accountant wants to wrap it up for now and make the adjustments later which is ok by me.

DD and dgs are back home but dgd troubles are still happening so they are looking into further resources for her. I think it is time for a deep grandmotherly talk with my granddaughter, that is, when I get my wits back together.

Kitties are pretty well back to normal after their surgery and are great company and entertainment. They like to cuddle with me and watch bird videos for cats. They are catching on not to walk all over my laptop and inadvertently turn it off or dim the screen or sound. Even at 4 degrees F they want to go out for a little while. I love the pitter patter of kitty feet when they chase toys or one another around the house. I was touched the other day when I expressed some frustration out loud with a strangled "Aaaargh!" Pumpkin looked up from across the room and came right over to me to make sure I was OK. Very sweet! 😽 Rocky is becoming quite the cuddler. 🐱

I feel like going into hibernation mode but have too much to do. It has been quite a year. The one year anniversary of mother's passing is coming up in a few days -Dec 10. Executrix duties have been on going. Near the end of May it will be one year since my niece passed. My dd and dgs came in the summer and pretty well stayed, with a small break when dgd was here, until a few weeks ago. R has rotator cuff injuries in both shoulders and may need surgery in one and thus some care and so it goes. Years ago I read that the quality that most helps us to age well is flexibility. I think I got it, but I do feel stretched.

I still want to move south but not until dd's home situation is more stable. My grandson really benefited from being here He has lost some weight (badly needed) and is more on track with his school work and other things. Dd is "built up" and caring for herself more and better able to deal with the "stuff". I am happy I could provide them with a safe place.

Well, time to shut down for the night. Take care all. In the words of the incomparable Arnie, "I'll be back!" 😁