The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Glad-I received the biofeeze yesterday. Am liking it very deep penetrating cold. No oder so I can take it to work too. Thanks for the info on this product.

Book-i found some exercises. I will check them out more later this morning.

Book, now, if people started following me I would really become paranoid, don't they call that stalking?! LOL!

I really love my friends on this site and appreciate their kind words and understanding always.

Glad, when you put everything private, it's private. I cannot see any of your posts or Hugs given to you. Only thing we can see is all about you info (profile). BUT, if someone started "Following" you Before you went All Private, then they can keep track of ALL of your comments on the Public threads. They cannot see the Hugs you give to others.

Glad, thanks for explaining more on this. It just soooo interesting. Much more than a soap opera. Because this is Real Life events – 100% (and not just based on 3% of a true event with Lots of Embellishment.) I don’t even keep my check stubs. I have all of my tax returns since I started working. It’s filed somewhere in this house… I think.

Sharyn, I agree with Emjo. Your sciatic issues have been increasing. The key is stretching and also building up strength with the muscles – especially if you’re lifting stuff. Would it also help if you use those back protectors that I see Kmart stockers using? I know that the person I spoke to you about had to wear a back brace for a while. Then she weaned herself off it because the doctor said that if you use the brace too much, it weakens your muscle due to not using your muscles.

Joan~It does seem like since December my sciatic issues have been getting worse. In Dec. it was my left side which never happens, it is usually the right side. I was in a car accident in the early 90's that brought it all on. A Chiropractor told me my lower back is swayed more than normal which is going to cause me lower back issues. I do stretches for my lower back but I am going to have to look on the net for some exercises to strengthen it as well. I am closing the bakery more often now which requires more lifting of boxes with frozen dough loaves of french bread,etc so it thaws out over night in the fridge so it can be baked in the morning.In addition to this, I have been closing a combination of both bakery and deli because the woman I posted about who refused to learn to put a supply load away...was transferred. They hired a new girl without posting for an opening in bakery/deli which means the new girl does not get training hours. She has just been thrown in...she is only 19 yrs old, and after 4 weeks she still can't close on time. Now the pressure is on us because we are expecting an inspection any day now which means everything must have a date on it, nothing can be out of code, and super clean. Plus they don't want us working past our scheduled time. Well, good luck on that...it is not happening. Enough venting about that, LOL!!

Our real estate agent came in the store tonight, he said he cannot locate a phone number or address for my mother's next door neighbor. He moved out over a year ago. The fence between his house and mom's is missing some planks, we have the planks but since it has to be fixed on the neighbors side...we have not fixed it. Andrew said he will fix it for us, either jump the fence or see if his gate to the backyard is not locked. This neighbor lost his wife to ovarian cancer about 5 years ago, what we did find out is that he owes around $350,000.00 on the house...more than he originally paid for it, we think he took out loans against the house because of medical expenses with his wife. Very said situation.

I am going to have to contact my sister, unfortunately. 1) I have a rebate credit card from the security company (mom's security on the house), it expires next month. It is for $100, I would like to use that to get a curtain rod and curtains on the sliding glass door. With my back issues, there is no way I am going to attempt taking down the vertical blinds for repair. 2) I need an update regarding the estate liquidators and if the estate is going as planned on March 1-2. I doubt my sister has made any effort to keep in touch with them.

Sorry for such a long post and rambling on...Have a good night...2 more days then I am off Fri/Sat. Can't wait!!!

Book, probably. I spend so much time here, except for this crazy day. It is hard to keep track. When I have my wall private do my comments sho up in your profile? The profile section is very useful to try to track discussions.

And I have been wondering what the heck is the difference between others finding a post helpful vs. Like. At the risk of sounding stupid, I think I finally figured it out. Helpful is in the question portion of the site, and likes are from the discussion portion.

Conservator is looking very closely at actions of sis. She did not tell them about mom's IRA. She knew about long term care policy lapsing and did nothing... Oh yea, you bet, she took care of mom and assets for years and years. Makes me I'll to think about. The strangest thing that the conservator has requested from me is a pay stub from my last job three years ago. I had explained the impact all of this has has on me financially and told her how much I made which was pretty darn good! I think she asked for it to establish my credibility and to show I am not a liar which is fine, I HAVE NOT LIED TO ANYBODY ABOUT ANYTHING! I would never have done that in this situation because it could easily come back to haunt me. I still had a stub that I was able to find, scanned and sent it to conservator. I would really hate to be in their position and try to figure out who is hiding what from whom, and who can you trust in this mess anyway?!

aw, Sharon. I'm sorry. I find Robaxin helps my fibro muscle issues, It tends to relax the muscle. There are different forms combined with ibuprofen, or acetaminophen, or aspirin, or plain. Do you do any exercises to strengthen your back? That is supposed to help, but not when the pain is acute. Time off should help. This problem seems to be getting worse and worse for you.

The pulled muscle triggered the sciatica, how I don't know but it hurt enough yesterday, I was weepy at times and felt put upon when asked to do additional duties. Hopefully tonight will be better, only work a 5 hour shift the next 3 days.

ah the IRA - it all is coming out in the wash. Who is going to look bad now? I hope they ding it to her!!!

sharyn - hope your back stays well. Very thankful I don't have that issue.

Got a bit more done today - life is looking up! :D

Glad-You must feel relief knowing 3rd parties are following up on the IRA...hopefully it wool be resolved soo

Sunday and Monday were very painful days at work. Today my back feels really good. Hoping the pain is gone..tired of being grumpy.

Glad, did you post something since I last came online like 13 hours ago? It's now 8pm, and the last time I looked in my Kindle it was 7am.

glad - can you explain more...

Sharyn, Emjo, Book, and all,
I am certainly looking forward to what all is gleaned from third parties, FINALLY!
I appreciate your comments!

cm - love babies the right temperature. Look after you.

reduced the antid for the fibro and OK so far. I was getting side effects - funny heads and tired all day - just useless. Love no phone calls!!! What a relief! The old cat has a some deep breathing but no difference in him otherwise. I will watch him and see if I want to take him to the vet this week. He doesn't act or look like he is in any distress. Better get some shopping down - didn't want to drive with the side effects.

Take care all

Jesus, Emjo - Do you like babies?

Poached or chilled…?

would post more but not good day today. Keep well everyone xxx

Austin~a craft group would be fun. I am always amazed at how talented some people are, they can make up their own patterns and just make an afghan in 3-5 days where it takes me a couple months to make an afghan. Hopefully a baby blanket won't take me that long, it only needs to be 45 inches, LOL!!

Sharyn I really enjoy my craft group some of the women are so talented -I just plug along with my Charlie Brown laprobes using donated yarn all colors-the group donates to many places.

Sharyn - I have done baby cowboy booties many years ago. Glad your back is better. Have a good dinner with hubby.

book I am sure you are right that it is better to take it slowly. Even people you know can do things you don't expect.

cm - you certainly can get scarlet fever - my daughter had it too but I caught it before she got very bad and took her to the ER and got the antibs. Ah boarding school. I went in Sussex for the last 2 years of high school - got my O levels. got into some trouble, had some fun and made a very good friend. Sounds like your mum just did not have a clue and was very busy protecting herself. Absolutely no point in telling her now she was wrong. Now your sis I have less sympathy for - her perspective, frankly Scarlett... What about from your point of view? Hypothermia as a baby - my mother did the opposite. She stuck me in a pram on the front porch in the full sun. Thankfully my father came home at lunchtime, saw me and rescued me. I was parboiled. Maybe that is why I don't like sunbathing. Your aunt Frances was quite a case, apparently.

Fear IS the monster. God once said to me very clearly - not audibly but as good as. Never do anything out of fear and never fail to do anything out of fear. It made me very aware of how much fear was ruling my life. and I don't allow it to influence me as much now.

Book, I'll give my sister this - she NEVER whined. Blistering rages. Physical violence. Very rarely, angry tears. But no whining, definitely not.

The other thing that made me cry, and made me understand her better, happened when I was clearing out files before we moved my mother's last home. There was a collection of letters we'd written from school. My sister was fifteen or sixteen. My mother had told her to "look after" me; but what my sister hadn't appreciated was that my mother didn't actually mean anything by that - she didn't expect my sister to DO anything, for heaven's sake! So this letter from my sister carried a detailed report of how I was getting on, and all the things she was worried about that needed attention. She took the responsibility very seriously, and at the same time she had no means of dealing with it, none. Who gives responsibility without power to a serious-minded teenage girl? It's a dreadful thing to do. I don't know how my mother replied to her, probably "don't worry, darling, I'm sure she'll settle in." I sat reading that letter and wondered what it felt like to be told you had to make sure your least favourite brat was safe and happy, when you had exams and your looks* and peer status to worry about, and who had ever looked after her?

My sister left home at eighteen, got a job in investment banking and a shared apartment in London, worked her socks off, made a packet and never looked back. I think she hates her family - maybe not my brothers so much - but can't stop caring about us. She does have a profound sense of duty, and perhaps wishes she hadn't. I wouldn't have her sore heart if it came free with all the tea in China.

*My sister has a faint but long, jagged scar all the way down one jaw. She was thrown through the windscreen of a car - my father had sat her on the front seat, instead of leaving her in her carry cot in the back, so that he could keep an eye on her while he drove. Nowadays you can't see it unless you know it's there; but when she was fifteen I expect she thought everyone was staring.

Emjo - funny you should mention scarlet fever. I told my ex that I'd had a whole summer of illnesses, all the childhood standards with tonsillitis in between, and including scarlet fever. "Nonsense," he said, "you can't possibly have had. It's a disease of the slums." Er, yes…

I got sent away to boarding school at eight, riddled with thread worms, God knows how long I'd had them. The Sisters - it was a very high church Anglican convent - were not pleased with me.

The thing is, looked at from my sister's point of view, it WAS just annoying. I was a problem. She wished I wasn't there and, being a frank child, said so often. My elder brother - this is another happy memory of my mother's - once asked whether there wasn't a pill you could take to stop having babies. "The Pill" was making headlines at the time, he was a bright kid and would have picked up on it. I think he probably wished my younger brother and I hadn't happened, too; the difference is that he kept it to himself.

I'm not angry with my mother any more, just sad for her. The reason for her inaction was that she'd had it drummed into her that if anything went wrong it was her own fault, and that her judgement was never to be trusted - it was to be mocked, contradicted or ignored. She never had a chance. What's the point of telling her now where she went wrong? It would be cruel: just another mountain of blame, which she would take fully to heart. My father wasn't around a lot of the time - away on exercise, saw action in Aden, sorting out the next posting - and unfortunately when he came back his reaction to the chaos at home was to get angry with my mother, rather than help and support her. Which made her conceal things, of course, for fear of getting more blame. She loved us all very, very much. But as Paul's girlfriend said: "how did someone so utterly unmaternal come to have four children?" My mother has not the first idea of how to care for a living thing, child, animal or plant. It doesn't mean she doesn't love them. Bit rough on us, though. I was hospitalised with hypothermia as a small baby. Bad winter, where do you put the cot? Clue: not in the unheated spare bedroom, and then be grateful for the peace and quiet.

I'm laughing now - my poor mother. The older of her two elder sisters actually did lose a baby: it fell out of a hammock on the classic 'passage to India' and broke its neck. I often wonder if my mother had some subliminal sense that she ought to lose at least one of us, too, to show sisterly feeling and not look as if she was trying to get one over on Frances. She's still afraid of what Frances might say now, and the woman's been dead nine years.

Fear is the monster, isn't it. Bloody fear. Yes, and obligation and guilt. But it's the fear that changes the way you are inside. Note to self: don't be AFRAID.

Emjo, with your friend of 50 years ago, maybe start off lightly in re-establishing your friendship. 50 years is a lot of time for people to change in their personality or views of life.

CM, of course it involves jealousy from us other siblings! We get punished but baby sis gets away with everything. {{chuckling}} As a child, that wasn’t whining if you’re suffering from health issues. Baby sister’s whining was from not getting her way. She would whine until the parents gave in to her.

Glad – I was smiling as I read your words. Karma – by their very own initiative.

Book~ Yes it is crochet and very neutral in colors. My daughter wanted yellow and green to start with, when they find out the genders of the babies, I am sure that will change. I am slow at crochet because it has been 30+ years since I did it, my mom could crochet very fast...she could watch tv and crochet without looking at her hands.

Joan~I am having fun with it, I even found some cute patterns for baby cowboy booties and other styles.

CM~You sound like you were just a normal child who was in pain or ill. I don't call that whinny. My sister had to help with cooking dinner and babysitting me. She resents it to this day. I am the irresponsible one in my family, yet I never asked for help from my parents, my husband and I did everything on our own....don't let the perception your sibs of you based on stupid stuff from when you were a child...jealous siblings will never grow up to understand what is really important and YOU obviously know the difference. Good for you as you are the better the person for it.

Glad~It does sound like your sister's handy work is being revealed for what it is. You have done nothing wrong so let her pay the piper.

My back is much improved today. The pulled muscle seems to be healed...no pain in that area. I am still having some pain lower down on my right side that was part of this. I have been using ice packs on it since yesterday and today, I have heard some popping as the inflammation is reduced so I think that area was a result of some misalignment in the hip area.

Hubby and I are going out for dinner for his birthday tonight...he will be 60 tomorrow. Have a good weekend and take of yourselves.

glad - I do remember you saying that your sisters called APS. Where are their heads? In the long run it has turned out to be a good thing. Yes, they are the ones who have to do the accounting now. Good for you. We reap what we sow.

Alison - what an opportunity to "take a hike, Mike"! Your bro has dad! I know that would probably cause too many family upheavals, but aren't you tempted? Agreed, some seniors have to be left until something happens to force them into a facility. Hope you find some great opportunities in the place of your choice. Glad you are enjoying the break.

Norestfortheweary. In your case it is more than appropriate for everyone connected
with your MIL to carry a copy of the DNR. In fact everyone who is DNR status should have one available. My point was that not everyone has to be DNR status. I personally at this time would have every hope of recovery. If it became obvious that I was in a vegative state my husband according to my wishes would discontinue life sustaining treatment.

Emjo, as far as being able to arrange sufficient care for my dad to leave him here in his home… yes, I think I can cover bases for that. My dad doesn't have any noticeable dementia but his decision-making ability, in general, is really poor. So it is definitely better if he goes to supervised apartment building, but we shall see yet what is to happen in next 6 months. Sometimes if senior is stubborn and insists on staying put, what else can we do besides allow them to do so and wait for the incident - and there's sure to be one its just matter of how long until - that makes everyone say "you're moving, no matter what!" Who knows, who knows… geesh, I don't even know when my dad is coming back here at this point. Bro hasn't said anything more after last week, so I just enjoy the peace and quiet for a few more days… and wait… : ) And I'm glad I've gotten this respite, its given me more perspective and I've gotten myself into better routine. I notice when I am doing "ok," my tolerance and ability to care for dad is much improved. Otherwise, if I'm frazzled and too stressed, than any old problem becomes such a destructive thing.

I'm forgetting other stuff I wanted to type, so… I'll just have to come back later. Hope everyone's doing well, enjoying your weekend.

cm - I don't call that whining. You were a child and you were ill and/or in pain, and, obviously, as your bro, neglected. How terrible for an infant to get that thin. It is amazing that he lived. He was starving. I don't understand how your mother can enjoy pictures like that either, or, for that matter, how she and your father could neglect their children as they did. I remember a friend who was overwhelmed by her life, which included 4 young children who were out of control. One day I visited and the oldest girl was obviously very ill with a high fever and nothing was being done about it. I checked into the details and told her mum she better take her daughter to hospital PDQ, as she has scarlet fever from a strep throat and it could cause heart problems. My friend took her in, my diagnosis was confirmed and she was given antibiotics and recovered. That girl has gone on in life to do very well for herself, and I have a little warm spot in my heart for her. Subsequently two of the kids died - one of them by suicide which could have been related to neglect. I probably went in the other direction when parenting.
My financial advisor's daughter is skiing in the Olympics for Canada. I must see if I can find her. Lots of bright sunshine here today and temps warming a bit.

You know when this all started sisters called APS to report me for financial exploitation when they knew nothing like that was occurring. That is when I knew I needed a lawyer. Was so angry when they did it, but also have at it. But now those reports will be supplied to the conservator and they will see just how vindictive siblings are. Now I am actually glad that happened. I think that sisters thought that the investigation would send me running. Boy, are they ever surprised and now will be the ones to answer about what the hex they have been doing for two years now. Gotta love it!

glad - it is coming out, thank goodness. Boy, sis is pulling some fast ones!!! Hopefully it will all get sorted out. She is causing a lot of grief and expense. The greed for money is a terrible thing.

doyourbest - ((((((hugs))))) your situation sounds awful. Has APS gotten back to you? Does anyone have POA medical/financial. If one of them has you can bring them to task by asking for an accounting of monies spent. Do update us.

sharyn - you are obviously having fun with the crocheting. A craft lamp sounds like just the right thing. I have seen one with a magnifier which would suit me very well. One of the next things coming up for me is to get one cataract removed, but it is not ready yet. Hope you get your back issues sorted out.

KJ1971 - we have mental illness on mothers side, and untreated. Causes havoc. I am so sorry about your mum. It must be hard to see your parents like that, especially your mum. We never know what life will bring. It must be tough for you looking after them.

This DNR thing is a bit tricky at times. The medical people and hospitals are so afraid of being sued, I suppose. Who gets to die, who gets resuscitated who has food withheld - complicated. Brings me back to the Terry Schiavo case - with hold her food, but resuscitate a senior on their way out. I know there are many fine points in between. I think policies need to be revisited.

cm - the decisions get harder, I am finding. In my case, both due to how they affect her, but also how they affect me. I am comforted as I believe that this last set of decisions would have been made by an objective outsider as they were recommended by professionals, and also are supported by several other family members, excluding sis of course.

Many of you remember that I lost a friend of over 45 years at Christmas. The strangest thing - a few days ago I was contacted on face book by someone I knew and was friends with over 50 years ago Somehow she tracked me down. She has met all my family mother, father and sis and was a bit friendly with sis, though I don't see sis on her friends list. I know very few people outside of family who had met my father. She really wants contact and to find to what has happened in the intervening years. I have thought of her maybe more than the others of that group. My quandary is how much to reveal to her about the whole family situation. At the time -50 years ago - it would have appeared that sis and I were friends. I am thinking of writing her and asking if she is comfortable keeping what I say to her strictly between to two of us, and if not to let me know and I will share or not share accordingly. God is good to bring another friend my way.

G says the plans for our hol are materializing. He wants to surprise me and don't like surprises. The Cabo trip did not materialise - one of those "deals" that looked too good to be true, but then they suddenly slapped some conditions on after we had made our plane reservations. G was so mad he said "No way" even though we could have gone at a decent price. We can go there again sometime, but know one vacation company to avoid. I hope my thyroid is better by then or I will be spending a lot of time resting in the hotel. From the sounds of it, that may not be much of a sacrifice. :)

I just want a little energy and motivation. Have a good day, everyone and do something good for you.

Thank you Emjo (need reassurance after Book taking my sister's side lol) - but, no, I was. I whined about things like a broken collar bone, ear infections and splitting my head open at the bottom of the stairs. I'm not being ironic, it must have been extremely irritating. STILL not my fault!

As it happens, I had to move the computer today which meant moving some photo albums - pictures of my brothers and sister when the younger brother was a baby. He had pyloric stenosis. My mother got fobbed off by an army medic and didn't like to argue. You're not supposed to be able to see the ribs, knee caps and wrist bones of a 4-month infant. Scared eyes. My parents' (so-called) friends used to call him "Belsen Eddy." I don't often sympathise too much with my siblings but I've been crying for Paul this evening. He's now 54. I'm not sure he knows (or agrees) that he's lucky to be alive.

I really don't understand how my mother can treasure those photos next to others of my siblings and cousins romping on the beach. "Funny little boy!" she says.

Alison - sounds like you have it very much in hand. My all means leave him there, and avoid having to deal with the STUFF. It is a nightmare. Depending on where mother s placed, we will have another 2 bedroom apartment full to deal with, as she got all new stuff when she moved the last time. I haven't even got rid of the old stuff yet. So glad you are getting out to the gym.

sandwich any idea when your mum's can be placed. This is hard on you I am sure, especially when she is so rude to you and does not acknowledge all you do for her. I know - it is never enough and never good enough. No, you cant change her, yet we feel some kind of responsibility and it is hard letting that go -hard seeing them make decisions that hurt then and so, eventually, us too. ((((hugs)))) take some breaks. I think you are right to protect your 15 yr old.

Sharing health issues is making me feel good that I don't have any back issues. Mind you I have other issues. Looks like my thyroid function has dropped again - cold, fatigued etc. But I have to wait out the 6 weeks before getting tested then see what is the best course of action.

cm - I don't see you as a whiny child.it does sound like there is some jealousy there. I see that in my sis. Nothing to do with the realities but more to do with her personality issues.

SA - I am so sorry that you had such a rotten childhood - there are n excuses for that kind of behaviour Hope you are starting to heal for that and the time you spent care giving your mum.

book - I don't know how you do it, but you are feisty and it has helped you to survive. Hope the videos help. Learning about boundaries, when you come from a dys fam is so important and even more so when you are caregiving.

Austin you are right. We have far too high a tolerance of abusive behaviours and even many subconsciously seek them out as they were the "norm" when we grew up. We seek to resolve the childhood issues and most of the time al we do is perpetuate the abuse.
Time to start a new post so I don't lose this one.